RTMS to Tan Tenovo

So not only am I still on the radio, but I officially* have the #1 bicycle-themed show in New York City in the coveted 10am Monday time slot!

*[Disclaimer: when I say "officially" I mean I've decided this must be true.]

Furthermore, I've asked WBAI to make it available as a podcast, but until that happens all shows are archived on their website, and you can also listen to this morning's episode right here.

Thank you for bearing with me while I explore the antiquated medium that is terrestrial radio, because blogs weren't outdated enough.

Speaking of this blog, obviously Rip Torn (or, more accurately, his mugshot) emerged as sort of an unofficial logo for it during its heyday:

Here's the story of how that happened.

Anyway, owing to this association, a number of people were compelled to notify me through various channels of Rip Torn's recent passing, even though it's 2019, we all have phones now, and on top of that I spend a lot of time on Twitter, which means I find out when famous people die immediately, just like you do.  Still, I can't deny that his death does represent the end of an era as far as this blog is concerned, even if I did think he was already dead, which I suppose also says a lot in and of itself.  Indeed, it was on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 that I hit the "publish" button on my very first blog post, and here we are 12 years later, my posts serving now largely to point you towards my other outlets, including my Outside column, and the Bike Forecast, and of course now my radio show.  All of this is to say that in the wake of Rip Torn's death I did take a moment or two to reflect on the fact that I arrived upon the scene an upstart anonymous bike blogger with a cutting sense of humor, and I'm now an an overexposed bloviator who halfheartedly entertains the anecdotes of people who call into radio shows and who can't even get upset about people who salmon in the bike lane anymore.  (I really can't.)

In other words I couldn't be happier with the way things have turned out.

Speaking of my erstwhile sobriquet (that being RTMS, or "Rip Torn's Mug Shot,") not too long ago it gave way to "Tan Tenovo," which of course refers to the unintentionally comic rendering of my bike's make and model on ticket I got while riding my erstwhile Renovo over a year ago:

Well, I pleaded guilty to the alleged offense, and it now occurs to you that I'm remiss in reporting to you that on Friday, July 5th I appeared in traffic court on Fordham Road in the Bronx to mount my defense.  Given that this was right in the middle of a long holiday weekend I admit I had hopes that the ticketing officer would be a no-show, but show he did, and presumably everyone there in the courtroom had felt the sting of his ticket-writing pen.  (I'm assuming I was the only cyclist there, but I don't know for sure, since I was the second person called and I left immediately after the proceedings, as you will soon read.)

After the judge dismissed the first defendant's case due to what seemed to be sloppy note-taking on the part of the officer, he then called me to the stand.  Haltingly, the officer read from his notes, explaining that he had been driving behind a motorist (he kept calling me "motorist") who did not stop for a red signal.  So he stopped said motorist-er, cyclist-in a safe location and duly summonsed him. 

Now, I should point out that I have no recollection of what color the light was, for the simple reason that I didn't look.  I was fresh off of negotiating a very tricky stretch of road, and I was almost home, and as I approached the intersection in question my priorities were as follows:

• Get home safely
• Not inconvenience any pedestrians
• Get home safely

In light of this, as I approached the intersection in question, I saw there were no pedestrians in or near the crosswalk, nor were there any motor vehicles approaching.  And so I made a right turn--on what, according to the officer, was a red light.

That's when I heard the blip of sirens, and next thing I knew I was proffering my ID.

Anyway, as the officer recounted this, I realized I didn't have much of a defense, since if he had in fact been right behind me I couldn't very well claim he didn't see what color the light was.  Therefore, when it came my turn to question the officer, out of pure desperation I opened up a line of interrogation about the configuration of the street.  Specifically, the officer could not say whether there was or wasn't a bike lane on the street on which I was riding (there was), which confirmed my own suspicion that the NYPD are physically unable to see bike lanes, and which would explain why the precinct in which I was ticketed has issued zero (0) tickets for parking in bike lanes since 2018.  I then introduced a new line of questioning about why he didn't use his siren to go through the red light I had supposedly run, but the judge was unmoved--in fact, more than that, he was annoyed.  Swiftly, he found me guilty, and ultimately I alighted back onto Fordham Road $190 poorer.

On the way home, it occurred to me that losing in traffic court is almost exactly like getting dropped from a bike race: you feel embarrassed, you're out a bunch of money, and you keep going over what you might have done differently.  In any case, in retrospect it was all worth it just to hear the officer testify in court that I had been riding a Tan Tenovo bicycle, which gave me a secret little thrill.

Moving on, this weekend I got to spend a little more time on the Jones LWB Plus Complete:

As I mentioned back on July 4th, I'd been forming the impression that the LWB is sort of the galloping horse to the SWB's wild boar, and my last ride only reinforced this notion.  While I was less inclined to change lines on the LWB, there was also less need to do so, since it rolls so easily over roots and rocks.  And inasmuch as I'm a two-wheels-on-the-ground rider more than I am a throw-the-bike-around rider (or, if you want to get technical, a "woosie") I'd say at this point I'm partial to the LWB. 

Then again, I'm the guy who's been commuting on a State Core millennial special:

Call it a midlife crisis, but I've been enjoying this bike (except for the Vans grips, which feel like someone standing on your hands while wearing a pair of vans), and I'm also still pleased with the Two Wheel Gear briefcase:

I'm pretty sure that every single street in the Bronx is currently being resurfaced, and if this thing can stay securely on the rack through all of that than I suspect it can handle pretty much anything.

Knogging a Dead Horse: Product Test Follow-Up

Further to yesterday's post, you may remember that I mentioned I had experienced a one-in-three failure rate with the Knog Frog lights I received. Well, I've since learned from Knog that there was a faulty batch way back in January 2008, and this batch was recalled and rectified. However, there were still some bad Knogs in their sample stock, which found their way to me.

I'd hate to be responsible for promulgating a misapprehension that Knogs are unreliable, especially after the people at Knog so generously helped me customize my "whip" for free. After all, fairness is more important to me than maintaining both my irascibility and my risibility, and a company should not be judged by the samples they keep laying around for freeloading Knog-grubbers such as myself.

Rest assured I have no intention of becoming a serial product-tester or some kind of Zinnian or Huangian product reviewer. However, given the circumstances I did think it was fair to give Knog a chance to redeem themselves. I also want to maintain the good will that exists between me and the companies whose dorky products I ridicule. So I devised a quick test. Here is a pink Knog Frog, which does indeed look very much like something that has been excised from someone's skin and is awaiting biopsy:

First, I held the Knog under a stream of running water in order to simulate the conditions it would encounter on the fenderless seatpost of a fixter's bike. (Fixters hate fenders.):

It held up admirably.

Next, I compared it to a competing light modeled after an animal: the Serfas Guppy Light. (I just happened to have one lying around. Yes, I've already admitted to owning both plastic toe clips and a Serfas Guppy Light, and it's only Tuesday!) While the Knog grips to just about any surface like the malignant growth that it is, the Guppy clings tenaciously to it by means of a flimsy elastic cord. Here's the Knog in a bowl of water, and the Guppy awaiting submersion. Surely the Guppy is fishlike in shape and name only, and surely it will be extinguished when I send it to join the Knog down in Davey Jones's Locker at the bottom of my cereal bowl:

Well, not exactly. It survived the submersion test:

Incidentally, it was also buoyant--kind of like a Cheerio. I had to hold it under the water to properly administer the test.

At this point I realized I had a good old-fashioned product shootout on my hands, so I selected a third contender. I decided to go "old school" for this one, since now that p-fars are hot again people are surely in the market for more "period-correct" forms of illumination. I chose a candle:

Here is the candle mounted on my Empire State Courier. (The Empire State Courier has apparently found a niche in my stable as a product testing bike. I also used it last night to go to the store to buy juice, so I suppose it's also now my "juice bike." This is a nice complement to my Ironic Orange Julius Bike.) Like the Knog, the candle can be mounted just about anywhere, which already gives it an advantage over the Guppy. But would it survive the water test?

Of course not:

So I'm hereby awarding first place in the bike light shootout to the Knog Frog, with the Serfas Guppy and the candle tied for second. (The Guppy may be water- and windproof, but the candle scores major retro points.) You can rest assured that if you buy a Knog Frog you are not only buying a waterproof light that's better than a candle, but you're also going to look like a raging hipster.

In other product news, it appears that the riser bar grip of choice for the fixter set, the Oury, has been demoted from grip to spacer:


This is a sad day indeed for the Oury people. As everbody knows, the further towards the middle of the handlebar a grip migrates the more irrelevant it becomes. This almost certainly presages an irreversible slide towards the dreaded "Stem of Obscurity." After that, the only hope is that the grip will one day become retro and re-emerge on the business end of the bar. (Unless this particular owner is simply deciding how narrow he wants to cut his bars. In that case it's possible the Ourys will prevail after all.)

Incidentally, I noticed in yesterday's comments that some readers are confused by the initials "RTMS," by which I occasionally refer to myself. These of course refer to the days when I was apparently "jumping the shark" (which happened sometime between my second-ever post and today's, depending on who you ask) and decided to change my name to an unpronounceable symbol. That unpronounceable symbol was actor Rip Torn's Mug Shot:

Well, I mention this not only because someone asked, but also because I just learned from a reader that Rip Torn has just pleaded "not guilty" to the very crime for which his mug was shot, which was drunk driving.

As a big fan of Rip Torn, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt--not with regard to the drunk driving (something tells me Torn can put it away), but with regard to the claim that he was driving a 1994 Subaru with a Christmas tree tied to the top. Surely an actor of Torn's stature and vintage would either engage a fancy automobile and a chauffeur, or else dispatch some sort of assistant or domestic to fetch his yulephernalia for him.

Naturally none of this is to diminish the seriousness of drunk driving, which is a deplorable practice. Furthermore, if Torn is in fact guilty I'm dismayed that he's sullied his image which I'm using without any sort of permission or restitution in order to promote myself. (I suppose I'm tearing a page out of the Performance catalog in that respect.) After all, his poor behavior reflects poorly on me as well.

Speaking of awful drivers, the New York City Taxi and Limousine Commissioner wants to mount cameras on cabs to detect reckless driving. As a cyclist who's molested (not sexually) by cabs almost daily I'm all in favor of this. Sure, it may be unnecessary in that everybody already knows taxi drivers are reckless (it's sort of like conducting an investigation to determine whether ice is slippery and cold), but we might as well get it on film anyway. Of course, the drivers themselves are against this, and the head of the Taxi Worker's Alliance says that, "I thought in America the law was you're innocent until proven guilty." Well, this may be true, but we are talking about taxi drivers. I once saw a taxi in a Starbucks on 8th Avenue in Manhattan. Not a taxi driver buying a coffee in Starbucks, but an actual taxi that had been driven into the storefront. Something tells me that it wasn't the Starbucks's fault. And if somehow it was and the Starbucks was jaywalking or something, I'm sure the driver would be very pleased to have a video record of what would otherwise be a very implausible story.

Yes, we live in a topsy-turvy world in which professional cyclists on whom nobody's lives depend are tested weekly for drug use, yet taxi drivers who are capable of killing people both inside and outside of their cabs in an instant decry having video cameras mounted on their cars. So again, I'll go on record as saying I'm in favor of it--at least until a taxi-mounted camera catches me doing something illegal on my bike and I get in trouble for it, at which point I will decide it's unconstitutional and an invasion of my privacy.

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: Toon in to "Bikestyle!"

As the moment of my shark-jumping draws ever closer, I'm proud to announce that I've reached another inevitable milestone in that process: the changing of my name from "BikeSnobNYC" to an unpronounceable symbol. After much consideration, I have chosen as my symbol actor Rip Torn's mug shot:

You will kindly address me thusly from now until my waterskis touch down safely on the other side of the toothy fish.

Moving on, a document has recently crossed my desk which I feel warrants attention. Apparently a graffiti artist by the name of Toons feels that bicycles have become sufficiently trendy to incorporate them into his work. So he's begun to customize them. In fact, this summer (right around the time of my BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!!, as it happens) he's going to be exhibiting (and presumably selling) them in an "art show/product expose/promotional party" called "Bikestyle."

The organizers of this event are currently shopping for sponsorship, which I recently had the pleasure of reading. I thought this would be of interest to my readers as well, so I'm pleased to present their sales pitch below for your perusal. My comments, from which I could not refrain, are in red.

Name of event: BIKESTYLE
Type of event:
Art Show, Product Expose, Promotional Party
Exhibition Dates:
June 21st - July 19th
Expected attendance:
400 patrons per event

Another word for this type of event is "Style-Whoring Ego Bacchanaal," and when they say "patrons" they mean "johns."

Dates/ Hours of event:
June 19th, June 20th: Press Day & Pre-Opening for Bike buyers
June 21st : Exhibit Opening/ After Party 7-12am
June 28th : Flatland BMX & Fix Gear Showcase by Pro Rider Jesse Puente &
Kio. Special musical guest Lou Dog on Drums and MC Elay Kauhe 7-12am.
July 4th : “Firecracker Ride” feat. Critical Mass Bicycle Group Ride & Movie,
including Midnight Riders Art Auction for Aids 7-12am.
July 12th Bike Company & Sponsor Vendor Sales/ Promotion Day
July 19th : Exhibit Closing/ After Party “Bike Fellowship Party Jam & Photo
Shoot” 4-10pm
Contact Information:
J. Swift, Owner, The Underground Agency, [deleted],
[deleted]
Event location:
Currently Open!

Holy crap, Lou Dog is playing! I am so there. Glad they've incorporated a Critical Mass ride, because I think this is everything Critical Mass stands for. I have a feeling this may be the first one ever in which half of the participants will be driving Toyota FJs.

Event description:
Bikestyler Customs by Toons debuts a creative collection of art enhanced
custom bicycles and all related items. Bikestyler transforms bicycles into one-ofa-
kind works of functional art. The show will feature 25 Bikestyler creations;
works on canvass, and fully customized bicycle helmets. Entertainment will be
provided by LA-based DJ..s, musicians, and filmmakers.

Okay, who is Toons, and what qualifies him to paint on bikes?

Toons is a self-taught, independent artist using his background in graffiti and fine
art to create exciting graphic and conceptual designs. Toons' boundless artistic
vision allows him to see the world as his canvass. For this reason his bold
designs can be found on surfaces of all kinds along with products he embraces
with a personal passion. Reflecting a bold and fearless style cultivated on the
streets painting massive murals with American collectives TCB and ICU, Toons
art is reaching an ever-widening audience through his association with supportive
sponsors and his involvement with art-based organizations. His talents have led
to impressive assignments such as curator for the Academy of Arts in Germany,
and the European art collective Live Demo.

I see. Thank heavens Toons has deigned to visit the world of cycling and scribble all over our bicycles. I wonder what lifestyle sport he'll bless next. Maybe he can go paint on some golf clubs.

Toons has extensive experience as creative consultant for companies looking to
appeal to the highly critical urban market. Companies including Puma, Levi,
Priority Records, Showtime, X-Box, and recent clients Boost Mobile, Pepsi, and
LA Ink have relied on Toons' ability to capture the essence of their products, and
convey a creative message to the marketplace. To keep sharp in the streets,
Toons can frequently be found painting live at art exhibits, murals, nightclubs, car
shows, and other showcases dedicated to authentic art and culture.

Good, so he's done fleecing the entertainment, telecommunications, and food and beverage industries, so now he's coming to shake down the bicycle industry. Will it be stupid enough to fall under Toons' spell too? I'm glad he's out there keeping sharp by painting live at "showcases dedicated to authentic art and culture." Maybe one day you'll see him with an easel at an alleycat or something. If you do, please kick it over for me.

Logo Opportunity:
Your company will have the option to place your logo on featured Bikestyler
Custom Bicycles, displays, wall paintings, our limited edition laminated bicycle
spoke cards announcing the event, the Festival Banner, Festival Poster, and
Commerative Art Show t-shirt. Bikestyler Customs will produce a complete
electronic media kit including an event invitation, email blasts, Internet blog, and
video announcements.

Yes, please blast the world with my logo! What do I have to do?

Sponsorship Opportunity details
Sponsorship includes insertion in full publicity package by gallery and private
publicity firm. Promotion will go to art, fashion, sports, youth, design, advertising,
film, production and print/TV media. We will also mail to sponsor's mailing lists.

Event/Sponsorship Cost:

Level One: Top Gear Unlimited $10,000

Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation via a
fully designed bike, corresponding wall display, an original Toons One designed
accessory package (bike gear), coordinating designer fashion package that
includes outfit of sponsor's choice.

Top Gear Unlimited Sponsorship also offers placement of company banner at all
events, Logo on 300 limited edition laminated bicycle spoke cards.
Logo on event banner, 300 art show t-shirts, 300 event posters, 10,000 art show
flyer, electronic event invitation, email blast and video blog.

Oooh! Spoke cards! Laminated spoke cards!

(I think this means spoke cards have officially Jumped the Shark.)

Level Two: Strictly Styling $6,500
Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation via a
fully designed bike, and corresponding designer fashion package that includes
outfit of sponsor's choice.

The Strictly Styling Sponsorship also offers placement of company name and
logo on 300 limited edition laminated bicycle spoke cards, Logo on all event
banners, 300 art show t-shirts, 300 event posters, 10,000 art show flyers,
electronic event invitation, email blast and video blog.

Does this include a gold-plated bucket with my logo on it so I can puke my freaking guts out into it?

Level Three: Cold Cruising $3,500
Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation in the
Styled Parts display featuring Bikestyler Custom designed frames, parts, and
accessories.

The Cold Cruising Sponsorship also offers placement of company name and logo
on 10,000 art show flyers, 300 event posters, electronic event invitation, email
blast and video blog.

***We are open to entertaining other gracious offers from sponsors so please
contact us with questions, suggestions, ideas, etc. Join in the fun today!

Here's a question: how much would it cost me to get Toons to ride one of his "one-of-a-kind works of functional art" off of the Santa Monica Pier while dressed as Grover and singing the theme song to "Sesame Street?" Because I'd like to see that. I'll even pay extra if I can get Lou Dog to accompany him on the one-and-twos.

Committed Event Sponsors/ Partners:

[Names deleted to protect the guilty.]

Targeted Sponsors (partial list):

Bern Helmets
Campagnolo
Chris King
Dangerboy
SE Bikes
SLB
Swobo
Industry Nine
Apple Computers
Starbucks
Levi Strauss
Urb Magazine
Rouge Status
XLarge
Absolut
Red Bull
Red Stripe
Sambazon

Some of these companies are certainly fine by themselves. Some of these companies even make products that go well together. However, I will go so far as to say if you consume products by more than nine of these companies at once, you either are or aspire to be Michael Ball.

Wow, that sure was a lot of words. Just in case you're not sold yet, though, here are a few examples of Toons' work:

By the way, did I mention I'm purchasing the $10,000 "Level One: Top Gear Unlimited" sponsorship package? Yeah, I want my logo on the art bike with the threaded-to-threadless adapter and the misaligned anodized purple brake pad which has already nicely marred the powdercoated non-machined rim. I'm getting the sense that while Toons may be quite marketing-savvy he doesn't pay much attention to detail. You know, the Mutant stem came in a quill version too. What's the matter, was the buy-it-now on eBay too high? I wonder if, for an additional five bucks, Toons could be bothered to remove that NOS Michelin and put it back on with the label aligned with the valve stem for me.

This is obviously a work-in-progress, and it's a promising one. In fact, it promises to be an affront to at least two types of bicycle. I've always wanted to see what the result would be if a fixed-gear freestyle bike and a hybrid mated. Here it is--though something tells me when they hooked up the sex was not consentual.

"Whoa, sorry! This is a headshop. I was just looking for bike parts. What? These are bike parts?" I'm hoping these parts were made specially for Keith Richards' new fixed-gear, because he's the only person I could see riding something like this. Thank you, Toons, for painting our culture with the same crappy brush you've already used on sneakers, cars, album covers, energy drink cans, and whatever else you get paid to design. And thanks "Underground Agency" for the opportunity to be a part of it.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

We are living in uncertain times, but there is one thing that is certain: the existence of an UMBL (or Unmounted Brake Lever) can only mean trouble of apocalyptic proportions:


That's right, reader "Metal B" of Corvallis, OR has sent me the above logic-defying image. He also informs me there are a lot of alpacas around Corvallis, so my advice if you live there is to evacuate as quickly as possible because you likely reside in Ground Zero for the Apocalypse.

Due to these extenuating circumstances, I'm excusing any and all Corvallisites from today's pop quiz, but the rest of you are not so lucky. The following quiz is composed of items that have recently come to my attention, many of which were forwarded by readers. As always, read the question and choose an answer. If you are correct, you'll see the item. If you are incorrect, you'll see perhaps the only thing that can save us.

Good luck, and ride safe this weekend.

Reclusive shark-jumping blogger Rip Torn's Mug Shot has just been published in which periodical?

--New York Magazine

--Time Out New York

--Alpaca Herding Monthly

--The New York Times

Which periodical would appear to have recently adopted RTMS's open-source journalistic template for reporting on the fixed-gear phenomenon?

--The Christian Science Monitor

--El Diario

--USA Today

--The Miami Herald

A former member of which pioneering New York City hardcore band is currently training for a triathlon?

--Agnostic Front

--Murphy's Law

--Sick Of It All

--Cro-Mags

According to a recent New York Times article, more and more high-end bike customers are:

--Traveling long distances to make their purchases

--Opting for the simplicity and reliability of a fixed-gear drivetrain

--Citing high gas prices as the reason for their purchase

--Dentists

"USMBL" stands for "Under Saddle-Mounted Brake Lever":

--True

--False

If you act quickly, you can snag a cycling cap on eBay which incorporates the NJS logo into the logo of which iconic brand (and which is totally free from "smells")?

--Fendi

--Dior

--Chanel

--Vuitton

Which company is about "Questioning stodgy rims and embracing our own, unique perspective.  Rising above the nameless masses and laying claim to club rides.  Breaking away from the pack and forcing acknowledgment of one true, rising star."?

--EchappeOnline

--Wheeltags

--Mavic

--CarbonSports Lightweight Wheels

According to a 1950 film on bicycle safety, cyclists are:

--The automobile drivers of tomorrow

--A menace to our nation's roads

--Fit of body and mind

--Communists

Hijacked: Technical Q&A with Lennard Zinn RTMS

I have a lot of cycling-related fantasies: establishing our own nation with our own cheese; arranging a bike joust between Barack Obama on his dork-cycle and outspoken eco-nerd Ed Begley, Jr.; and of course the complete eradication of the pie plate. Unfortunately, all of these scenarios are pretty unlikely. But there is one fantasy of mine that's a bit more attainable, and that's taking over VeloNews tech guru Lennard Zinn's Q&A column. Sure, VeloNews isn't going to let me do that anytime soon, and I missed my best chance to steal his identity by not recovering his stolen laptop, but thanks to the internet (the ultimate tool for self-delusion) I can at least steal the questions from an already-published column and answer them myself on my own blog. So here goes:

Techical Q&A with Lennard Zinn Rip Torn’s Mug Shot – Time to replace?

Mix-and-match

Dear Lennard,

At one time I read in your column that you can change Campy 9-speed ergo shifters to 10-speed. Is this true and what are the details?

Guido

Dear Guido,

Sorry, Lennard stepped out for some Pringles, but allow me to help. My answer to your question is three-fold.

1) Yes, you can do it as long as they're not the old ones with the vestigial pointy tops. (Campy ergo levers used to have vestigial pointy tops before they realized people might actually want to put their hands there.)

2) The details are you stick a new shifty thingy in them.

3) I'm honestly surprised that in 2008 people a) still have 9 speed, and b) if they do would bother to “upgrade” to 10 speed at this point. Even though all you need to do is stick a new shifty thingy in them, you might as well throw them out because Campy is going to 11. This is a tremendous leap forward. It means: 1) you can have an 11-21 straight block; 2) those neutral wheel service techs will once again have to work for a living since not everything’s 10 speed anymore; 3) you can have a 20-30 straight block (in the event they decide to make one for some crazy reason). Also, best of all, it means that the Spinal Tap "it goes to 11" reference may finally be beaten completely to death, which would be great, because I'd love never to hear it in relation to road component groups again.

I should warn you, though—if you do go for the new 11 speed Campagnolo, it’s ugly. Really ugly. It looks like the bastard child of a Shimano STI and a Mektronic lever. Although if you’ve already got one of those stupid Pinarello Onda forks then the new Campy is a must-have if you want to retain that melting theme throughout the front end of the bike.

--RTMS

When to replace?

Dear Lennard,

I have two Shimano 10-speed groups: Dura-Ace and Ultegra. I've put about 3000 miles on both groups (I ride my Ultegra bike a lot more in crits and early season training), but I've noticed, aside from the shifting, that my pedal stroke seems "easier" and more supple with Dura-Ace.

So, I have a few questions for you:

1) What's the average lifespan of Dura-Ace and Ultegra bottom brackets? Do I need a new Ultegra bottom bracket?

2) Is there any easy way to determine when they're about to go (other than mileage)?

3) With the old spindled bottom brackets you could rotate the bearings by hand and "feel" the drag/crunch/friction indicative of a need for a new bottom bracket. Now, it's a guess based on "ease" of spinning the cranks, and that can be dependent upon bearing load?

4) Do you know the bearing-loading values for Dura-Ace and Ultegra bottom brackets (would I use a torque wrench for that)?

5) Have you heard of or had experience with the bearing overhaul kit, which I believe is made by Phil Wood?

Mark

Hi, Mark. Sorry, Lennard stepped out to take his ferret for a walk, but allow me to help. The reason your Dura-Ace feels "easier" and "more supple" is that you paid more for it. I always find it puzzling that people reserve Dura-Ace for the fair weather race bike, and use Ultegra or lower for the rain bike or beater bike. Since Dura-Ace is the best, wouldn't that be the logical choice for adverse conditions, since theoretically it should hold up better? I mean, it has "Dura" in the name. At any rate, to answer your questions:

1) You can kill a bottom bracket in about 35 seconds by installing it improperly, yet it can live nearly forever if you rarely use it. (Barring nuclear catastrophe, asteroids colliding with the Earth, Fixed-Gear Apocalypse, and so on.) So by averaging 35 seconds and 100,000 years, I come up with 1,567,800,000,018 seconds. So that is the average lifespan of your bottom bracket. Do you need a new Ultegra unit? If you're somewhere inside that window, maybe.

2) Get two mixing bowls. Fill one with plain yogurt, and the other with macaroni and cheese at room temperature. Place a wooden spoon in each. Then, remove the chain from your front chainrings and spin your crank. Next, stir each bowl with the wooden spoon. Which bowl does your crank most feel like when turned? If it feels more like the bowl filled with plain yogurt, then it's got anywhere from tens to trillions of seconds to go. If it feels more like the bowl of mac and cheese, consider replacement.

3) It can. Really, are you honestly this obsessed with bottom brackets?

4) No, I don't. Who cares? Yes, you would use a torque wrench for that--if you're a gigantic dork. I mean, using a torque wrench on the actual cups is one thing, but for the preload?!? Do you use a torque wrench to turn off your faucet, or to flush your toilet, or to replace the lid on your half-drunk Snapple? Take a risk!!! How wrong can you really go here?

5) Are you really obsessed to the point that you're ready to give money to Phil Wood? Patronizing Phil Wood is like going to an expensive therapist--this is an entire company based on assuaging the anal and neurotic. Take any normal, properly-funcioning component, like your bottom bracket. Even though it's perfectly fine and more or less incapable of failing catastrophically, you're checking it every day, writing letters to VeloNews, and waiting for it to fail like some kind of nutcase hunkering in a basement bracing yourself for a hurricane that's never going to come. Well, thank goodness for you there's Phil. What they do is make essentially the same exact thing you already have but charge you about three times as much for it because it has a special oil in it. (Or, they make some kind of "overhaul kit" for what you already have that essentially replaces the internals with the same thing. It’s like getting a heart transplant you don’t need.) That way, you can relax, knowing you paid for the "best." So, yeah, if you can't sleep at night due to the fear that your bottom bracket might explode in the night and take you with it, by all means, buy the Phil Wood thing.

--RTMS


Regarding rolling resistance of clinchers v. tubulars discussed in a prior column:

Dear Lennard,

I suggest you look at biketechreview.com. The range of the Coefficient of Rolling Resistance (Crr) for tires in the test, performed on a PVC drum, are similar to the range of Crr for clinchers and tubulars in the Chester Kyle study, published in Bicycling, May 1985. The Kyle study was done on smooth asphalt and low speed trike.

It is obvious that the steel drum used in the Tour magazine study magnifies the differences between tires, the question is how much. Tubulars do not perform well on a steel drum because of the small contact area and the resultant squirming or glue compression. The difference on the road is minimal. In a test done by Triathlon magazine (September 2006), the same six sewups, eight clinchers were tested on both a concrete indoor track and a steel drum. After adjusting for tire load and speed, the range of variability (defined in watts) for the six sewups on the drum was 2.24 times higher (my calculation) than on concrete. For clinchers the range of variability was 1.76 times.

Bottom Line: "Rolling resistance is very close on smooth road surfaces between clinchers and tubulars. Individual tires of either group may have better or worse rolling resistance".

Terry

Hi, Terry. Sorry, Lennard stepped out to enter a Peter Coyote look-alike contest, but allow me to help. Firstly, I couldn’t and didn’t read that. Secondly, are you still seriously confused about the difference between tubulars and clinchers? One involves glue, one doesn't. Take your pick. The real difference is in the rims, not the tires. Tubular rims and clincher rims have different weight and performance characteristics. If you want to use tubular rims, use tubular tires. If you want to use clincher rims, use clincher tires. If you're unsure, use one tubular wheel and one clincher wheel. That way you can't lose. Come on, do you decide between a sports car and a speedboat by comparing the ergonomics of the steering wheels?

--RTMS

Regarding orthotic construction from a previous column, I received some feedback about different approaches:

Dear Lennard,

I am a podiatrist and the pedorthotist's response to proper casting technique for custom orthotics is off-base.

Semi-weight-bearing casting defeats the purpose of creating a properly supportive device. It's difficult to be consistent between patients when utilizing this technique and one should simply use a heat moldable device if this approach is to be used. Yes, the foot compresses and the "arch" lowers and if done properly a non-weight-bearing casting simulating weight bearing by slight loading of the foot in its "neutral" position is the correct way to cast a patient.

Instructions can be given for "posting" of the devices if additional correction is needed. The foam impressions are a quick and easy way to cast but simply does not capture the true simulated semi-weight-bearing that is needed. Also, full-length devices may be appropriate, but if room is needed in the toe box area, a 3/4 cut top cover can be applied to the device without sacrificing any support supplied by the orthotic.

S.C. MurphyDPM

Dear Lennard,

Thanks for addressing the orthotic question. I enjoyed the article and comments by Russel Bollig.

No doubt he has the experience and athletes to stand behind what he says. Because I'm a cyclist and a health provider, I can appreciate the value of orthotics in a cycling shoe. You might say it's the reason I'm still training and racing.

I would, however, like to add a couple comments. I've been making cycling orthotics for a few years now using a neutral, non-weight-bearing cast, which has benefits worthy of mention. In my experience it's not so much about the arch as much as it is a combination of addressing the forefoot/rearfoot relationship, as well as the arch.

The craftsmanship you mentioned required to modify a positive cast's arch to address soft-tissue displacement really isn't a difficult task for an experienced tech, as it involves much less guesswork. I don't have any issues with this step, especially because there are so many benefits to a non-weight-bearing cast.

Because the forefoot/rearfoot is better captured with non-weight-bearing casts, it's much easier to post the forefoot accordingly for the patient's needs. Proper forefoot alignment is what in my experience really makes the difference in proper knee alignment while pedaling, also the basis for Paul Swift's BigMeat wedges.

For a more complete article, please read a recent article I wrote.

Dr. Rich Cimadoro

Sorry, Lennard stepped out to claim his third-place prize in a Peter Coyote look-alike contest. (A bucket of wings from KFC if you're wondering.) Orthotics aside, since you're both doctors, can I ask you guys a question? Just testing out a personal theory. Does either one of you ride a Serotta? I'm guessing at least one of you does. Am I right? Also, theoretically, can the casting techniques you describe be employed in penis gourd fabrication? I was intrigued by the reference to "Big Meat."

--RTMS

Brazen Schemes: RTMS and Sympathy

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know that I occasionally refer to myself as RTMS. Back in the spring of 2008 (a much simpler time when Lance Armstrong was still retired, the fixed-gear scene was still open, and the PistaDex soared into the high three figures), somebody accused me of "jumping the shark" for reasons I cannot recall, and so in true shark-jumping fashion I announced that I would change my name to an unpronounceable symbol, à la Prince or Rock Racing owner Michael Ball. The symbol I chose was actor Rip Torn's mug shot, taken after a drunk driving arrest:

I've always been entranced by Torn's expression in this photo. It is insouciant to the point of being beatific, and Torn maintains it despite the fact that his world is crumbling around him--he's like Buddha mingled with George W. Bush declaring victory on that aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf. To me, this attitude neatly sums up the human condition, and while this photo is ineffable I abbreviated my new moniker as "RTMS" for the purposes of shorthand. Subsequently, commenter Urchin created this graphic, and the name change was complete:

Naturally, then, many readers emailed me over the weekend to tell me that an armed Rip Torn had been arrested for breaking into a bank while intoxicated. While this would imply that he was trying to rob the bank, the police now believe he didn't realize it was a bank and thought it was his own home, which makes perfect sense to me--I often smash my own window with a revolver and then pass out on the floor after a night of heavy drinking, and if my home were more bank-like in appearance I'm sure I'd find myself in the nearest Chase branch every so often. I'd also like to take this opportunity to express the disgust I feel towards the media, for if they think that a famous actor drunkenly smashing his way into a bank while brandishing a loaded weapon is more interesting than something as monumentally important as the Grammys then they clearly have a lot of soul-searching to do.

Still, it's obvious that Torn needs help (or at least a new pair of glasses and a front door key), and I sincerely hope he gets it. In the meantime, let's remember Torn in happier times. Here he is in 1970, beating the crap out of Norman Mailer:



Forty years ago, attacking a respected author with a hammer could become the cornerstone of your career; now, simply passing out in a bank can land you in jail. It just goes to show how much we've regressed as a society. That said, celebrities and weapons don't tend to mix well. Consider New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress, who accidentally shot himself in the leg, or Tour de France champion Alberto Contador, who recently fingerbanged himself in the ear:

("There was earwax everywhere!," says a terrified witness.)

Hopefully he recovers from his accidental earbanging in time for this year's Grand Boucle.

Speaking of competitive cycling, yesterday was the elite men's cyclocross world championship, and among the competitors was the Mongolian cyclocross team, under the tutelage of retired classics star and flax mogul Johan Museeuw. While they were not exactly in the medal hunt, to their credit they did manage to finish (albeit a few laps down), and even managed to beat the guy from Israel:

Granted, the Israeli national cyclocross program consists entirely of watching YouTube videos of Sven Nys, but beating them is still impressive. Also, top Mongolian finisher Bold-Erdene Boldbaatar would have placed much higher if an untimely mechanical hadn't forced him into the pits. Here's footage of his mechanic at work:



This unplanned stop threw Boldbaatar off his rhythm, and then a sloppy dismount later in the race ultimately consigned him to the back for the duration:



After that he kept getting lapped like the field was a giant tabby and he was a bowl full of skim milk. Still, it was a strong showing from a cyclocross backwater, and the Mongolian cyclocross team will undoubtedly come back strong next year. In the meantime, they plan to stay sharp in the off-season by playing polo with Museeuw's head.

Speaking of competition, sometime this week I will announce the winner of The Great Meh BSNYC Free Scat Contest!, but in the meantime I'd like to share a few entries from people who will definitely not be getting a free bike. One of them is from someone named Bob Gong, who submitted this because he just wanted to see his name in print:

1. I live in Granite Bay, CA, about 30mins north of Sacramento, CA.
2. I'm 46 years old.
3. I currently own 7 bikes (ok, maybe I do need an 8th one since the number 8 is good luck in Asian cultures, not that I'm superstitious or anything. Honest, cross my heart.....).
4. I've never had a bike stolen, but I'm willing to learn. Maybe this bike is the perfect opportunity... I've lived a very sheltered life or have just been stupor lucky.
5. I would use it to utilize 2 new bike storage hooks I just bought from the hardware store. The biek would be a replacement for my loser social life in that I've never been able to be a true hipster. This biek would give me the tools to be the most baddest, mo-fricky hipster in a 4-county radius, let alone restore my waning, self-confidence.

I'm happy to put your name in print (see above), but alas, your hooks shall remain Scatless.

Here's an excerpt from another submission:

4) How your bike got stolen- Actually, I don't need a new bike. Just thought I'd give this a go, as the only other contest I have won was a drawing at the Sean Kelly site- a heart-rate monitor book, that I never received. Bastard. I do not frequent Sean Kelly's site any longer

I was shocked to learn that the great Irish cyclist apparently lures people in with promises of free heart rate monitor books, which he then fails to deliver. I can assure you that whoever wins the Scattante will in fact receive the Scattante, though it will not be this poor heart-rate-monitor-bookless soul. Still, I do appreciate his "ratting out" Sean Kelly.

Then there were the submissions which were obviously made up, like this one from Canada:

1) Hamilton, Ontario, Canukistan Petrostate
2) Physically 43, mentally, eight
3) 4
4) It wasn’t stolen, it was blown up by a terrorist test rider/looky-loo with an explosive chamois.
5) This was my 2009 Pinarello Va Fungulo Speciale, with Super Record and Zipp 1080 Crabon wheels, the signature “James Huang” edition. This bike was never actually ridden, it resided on the back of my Audi TT Quattro, which I drove to my local Starbucks-disguised-as-a-local café, I would dismount the bike from my German motorcar, and walk it into the café with my cleats ruining the floor. I would then flip open my laptop and post angry messages to Bikeforums to those assholes buying Chinese-built bikes, when they should be buying Amurican-imported frames with Shimano parts. I’d also frequent the racing forum and talk for hours about wattage, elevations , junk miles, why cat 3 racers and the French suck, and just how awesome Lance is. The second important use of this bike was to hang it from a digital LCD scale and post pictures on Weightweenies forum, then engage in a posting tete-a-tete withCharles Manatanan about handlebar tape weights. Oh, Charles, we agreed to disagree, but the discussion was always 4.5/5 stars. The last important use of this bike was to take it to wind tunnels and test various parts off the bike for aero effect at 65 km/hr, the use those numbers to prove why Fabian Cancellara wins TT races, back on Weightweenies. I don’t know how much more typing I can do, as my emotions have overcome me and I feel my perfectly electrolyte-balanced tears (thanks to FRS Energy Drink) may cause an electrocution hazard on this keyboard. I would use the Scattante to post poignant questions all over the internet cycling forums about every single part, then progressively replace every single part with Chinese sound-alike parts off Ebay. I hope that one day I can once again ride around on the hood of my 4T handlebars with a nice set of Zepp 1080 crabon wheels and my aero helmet from Rouis Galneau, and once again connect with the internet fraternity, my Band of Brothers of junk milers…sniff…that godless Al Queada bastard even blew up my LCD scale, I have no way of knowing if I’m below the UCI weight limit of not. And they say people in Haiti have it tough. If I don’t win this, I’ll have to wait another three months for a bonus cheque to buy one (hundred and eighty).

Charles Ponzi-Skeeme III
VP, Bank of America.

I have a feeling a certain frequent commenter is behind that one. Incidentally, a disproportionately large number of the submissions I received came from people in Canada. I'm not sure why that is, though I suspect it may simply be that Canadians are accustomed to receiving free handouts.

But while our guileless neighbors to the north simply wait for people to give them stuff, we Americans are a far more scheming breed. This is because we live in a country which forces us to be conniving, and where simply receiving life-saving medical treatment can require us to weave a vast web of lies. Really, we need to use every weapon in our respective arsenals. If you're Rip Torn, that weapon might be a loaded gun; if you're this woman, it might be an adorable baby:

How did your bike get stolen? from Leah Archibald on Vimeo.

Honestly, who would not want to give this face whatever it wants? (The one on the left I mean.)

Still, it's not going to work on me. Not only is my heart as black as crabon, but the video also reveals the contestant's lavish, sun-drenched home. Clearly, this family lives in luxury and they are not people in need. Had she smeared both their faces with fake dirt and filmed the video in a Dumpster or an abandoned car then they would have had a much better chance. Still, I appreciate the video, and I'm sure they're already on their way to the LBS where she will attempt to use her child to get 15% off a 2009 Trek.

Unethical? Perhaps. But it's better than simply walking into the shop and taking a bike at gunpoint, which is what recently happened in Issaquah, WA:




Keep in mind though that things aren't always what they seem. The thief may actually have been Rip Torn, and he may have just thought he was walking into his own garage.