Monday, January 25, 2010

This Just In: I'm Giving Away A Free Bike Because I Don't Need It!

Firstly, as a number of people pointed out last week, the blog you are currently reading has been nominated for two "Bloggies." (Just to clarify, I'm referring to this blog, not the "Gossip Girl" fan blog you have open in another browser window.) Moreover, it has been nominated in both the "Best Sports Weblog" category:


As well as the "Best Writing of a Weblog" category:

Both of these nominations are highly ironic, since not only is my knowledge of and interest in the world of sports beyond cycling nonexistent, but I'm also proan to typoes and mostly ignorant to the rules on grammer. Plus, I don't really stand a chance anyway, since I'm pitted against the ruthlessly self-promoting and violently affable "Fat Cyclist," who will no doubt lumber away with the majority of the cycling vote as his fat rolls jiggle triumphantly.

In fact, when I first learned of the nomination I was going to ignore it altogether, since not only do I resent having to compete with a more deserving colleague and fellow bike dork, but also because you don't even win any money, so who really cares, right? However, after a weekend of contemplation, I decided to at least mention it, since I'm planning to "jump the shark" around springtime-ish and figured I could use an award or two in my Rapha cap (yes, Rapha makes a shark-jumping hat). Plus, I looked up the award in a popular user-generated Internet encyclopedia and the entry mentioned that the Bloggies are covered by "Express India." That's the sort of press that can send you straight to the top faster than a pair of rocket-powered underpants. So, I will reluctantly ask you to go the Bloggies website and vote for me--but only if you feel like it. Also, keep in mind that Fat Cyclist is also nominated for "Weblog of the Year," so if you don't want to snub the Chubster then you can vote for him there and then vote for this blog in the other categories. (Incidentally, I don't want to call Fatty a fraud or anything, but I do feel I should mention that I've met him in person and I'm much fatter than he is. Actually, I think I outweighed both him and his companion combined. So please take that into account as you cast your ballot.)

Moving on, there is only one phrase sweeter than "You've been nominated for a Bloggie," and that phrase is, "We'd like to give you a free Scattante." Yes, as difficult as it is to believe, I recently got to hear that one too--my life is just that charmed. As longtime readers may recall, about a year ago I received a Scattante Empire State Courier from mail-order retail giant Performance, which was basically a half-assed after-the-fact acknowledgement subsequent to their "borrowing" a bunch of "memes" from my blog. Anyway, it turns out they're about to "drop" a whole new line of Scattante "courier series" bikes, and I guess when Performace rips you off you automatically win some sort of "a Scattante a year for life sweepstakes," because they recently offered to send me a brand new "courier" bike of my choice.

The thing is, I need a new Scattante about as much as Prolly needs another fitted cap, or as much as Stevil needs another beer hand-down, or as much as Fatty needs another ham and cheese croissant. This is not to say there's anything wrong with my current Scattante. On the contrary, I actually use it a lot, and it's still perfectly serviceable even after I ran into the back of a beer truck with it this past summer (though I did have to replace the fork, at a cost of approximately $15). However, as I've said before, I believe it's a sin to refuse a free bike, and I realized that while I don't need the thing there are probably plenty of other people out there who do. So I told Performance I'd rather give the bike away to a reader instead and they agreed.

Of course, choosing a recipient requires some sort of selection process, so this forces me to run a "contest." As a cycling blogger, I often hear the laments of people who have lost their bicycles to theft, and I figure if anybody needs a free bike it's somebody who lost theirs in this manner. So here's how the contest will work. If you or somebody close to you has had a bicycle stolen recently, please send your story (via words, or video, or narrative cartoon, or song, or whatever emailable medium is most comfortable for you) to me at bikesnobnyc(at)yahoo(dot)com with the subject line "I DISPARATELY NEED A BIEK!" You must send your story before 12:01 AM EST on Saturday, January 30th, and it should address the following:

1) Where you live;
2) How old you are;
3) How many bikes you currently own;
4) How your bike got stolen;
5) What you used it for and why you need a replacement.

Please keep your submission as succinct as possible. While special consideration will be given for entertainment value, the most important factor in determining a winner will be need. (If your bike was stolen despite being securely locked and you need a new one to get to work or school you could win; if your unlocked bike was stolen from in front of a bar and you need a new one for bar-crawling you will lose.) While I have no way of verifying your tale, I urge you to be honest and not to fabricate "sob stories." Also, keep in mind that I may post any entries I receive.

Once the submissions are in, I will choose a winner, either by jury, or by vote, or simply at my own discretion, and that winner will be able to pick from any of the new Scattante Americano Courier Series Single Speeds, which you can see here on the Performance blog. While the "colourwheys" are a subjective matter, I will say that I have been able to "run" my Scattante with actual full coverage fenders (as opposed to the spindly-looking ones in the pictures) and 25c tires as well as a rear rack ("P clamps" required for the seat stays, though) which means you can turn this into a reasonably practical city bike with minimal investment. Also, Performance will throw in their "Spin Doctor Pro Bike Build," so your desperately-needed bicycle should be ready to roll as soon as it arrives at your door.

Most importantly, here's the Official Contest Graphic:

And here's the Official Contest FAQ:

Is this some sort of slimy arrangement to promote Performance?

No. It's simply an attempt to give someone a free bike that I don't need. What could possibly be slimy about that? Taking it for myself and then putting it on eBay would be slimy.

Is this some sort of slimy attempt to win "Bloggies" votes?

No, though if I win, the new Scattante owner is free to travel to wherever they give the "Bloggie" and accept it on my behalf (at his or her own expense, and provided I don't feel like going at the time).

Is this some sort of slimy attempt to rip off Fat Cyclist, the King of Bike Giveaways?

Absolutely.

I don't like any of those Scattantes. What can I do?

Uh, it's free. Either don't enter the contest, or just beat the crap out of the bike like I did.

How much does a fully-loaded Scattante weigh?

The answer to that question is "NSFW."

Can you barspin a Scattante?

No. If you plan to use your Scattante for "barspinzzz" then you will be disqualified from the contest.

How did you hit a beer truck?

Hard.

What does "Scattante" mean anyway?

The answer to that question is really "NSFW."

So there it is. Best of luck, and I look forward to hearing from you.

--BSNYC/RTMS




133 comments:

Disgruntl Ed. said...

What? Really?

Mr. B said...

What a day for a ride.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

This can't be.

Fergie said...

#2 = 1st looser!

Yeppers. said...

I'll murder you in your sleep.

Surly Bastard said...

Early bird. I sense a double posting today.

Anonymous said...

meh

g said...

that was the group rushing by me?!!

Cav Not said...

Look out ale jet!

Stupid Name said...

A years best. I bet I am the only one so far that read it.

hillbilly said...

way to go, disgrunt ed!!!!

I don't need or deserve the bike, but you may give it to me anyway, and I too have rear ended a beer truck

mikeweb said...

I'm more excited about the larger new logo graphic.

Smocks and stickers on the way?

mlliu said...

This giveaway warms the cockles of my heart.

Anonymous said...

If you haven't hit at least one beer truck in your life, you either aren't much of a cyclist or you're a Mormon.

Anonymous said...

someone please steal my bike, so I'll have a story to send and win the scattante

g said...

I am actually excited to know how to say "AYHSMB" in Latin (pig or otherwise).
Didn't notice that on the new seal before.

Oh yeah: gimme the bike.

Seanywonton said...

Oh, shew. I thought for a second you said I could win a
SCAT AUNT

Anonymous said...

Wrecked into a beer truck? I don't buy it. An accomplished cyclist like the Snob would have more than enough skill to hit the handtruck ramp correctly and get into the truck without anyone noticing. I think it must have been an imposter.

Thomas said...

Top 20!

Anonymous said...

"ruthlessly self-promoting", ha. Too true, sadly, too true

rural 14 said...

Ant 2nd!

I had to hide under my wheel eyebrows today. Apres le sanding trucks, le deluge as well. Goretex stops working after X amt of years. + now it's in people's bloodstreams like teflon. Is the end nigh?

Paul said...

I love Fatcyclist but concur he is fraud insofar as he still claims to be fat. I feel guilty reading his blog because he claims to be fat (when he's not fat anymore) adn I am fat. And he claims to suck riding but completes the Leadville 100 and other amazing feats. (I am reasonably fit and rode - and walked - about a third of the Leadville course and thought I would never get it done).

But don't you fall into the trap of false self-deprecation about your writing. Such modesty can get tiresome. Sure there may be a typo or two, but every writer has those, and you are not ignorant to the rules on grammer. Jut try reading the crap I have to read every day.

Anyway, congrats to both of you on the nominations. They are well deserved.

Tj Eckelburg said...

AYHSMB in LATIN

Beautiful!

Anonymous said...

if you give a bike to someone because someone else stole the one they failed to lock properly, to paraphrase a GOP politician ""You're facilitating the problem if [you give a way free bikes] They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better."

Jefe said...

It's a sad story, but my third carbon Serrotta was stolen when I locked the leather Brooks seatbag to a lamppost on Queens Blvd. It was only there a day before someone unhooked the bag and made off with bike and bag. Now, I only have two custom bikes left. I really need the Scattane so I can use it as a downpayment on a new stem for one of the other bikes. Could anything be more heartbreaking?

Seanywonton said...

Anon 12:51
If your comment is serious, I would just say that you are lucky if you have never had a bike stolen. Yes, most people who have had a bike stolen might have dropped their guard and gotten taken advantage of for it, but I'll bet you too have not locked your bike up properly once or twice, and maybe you just got lucky that it was still there when you got back.
I've had a bike stolen once and it sucks, hard. I did let my guard down for a a second, but I didn't realize to what extent until I came back to find my bike missing. To this day, no matter how well I lock my bike I'm stricken with a paranoia that it won't be there when I get back.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

D. Fofonov said...

Babuska sending me letter on yablika telling me that Republic of Massaxjusettes becoming a fascist state. She saying on coming to America soon she going to Minneaota instead.

Am I able to ask why the fucking?

rezado said...

hi-rez

Anonymous said...

does this shark jump mean i'll have to start shopping around for new blogs.

if so, thank [lobster]god you've posted a link to the bloggies to offer so many alternatives

Anonymous said...

mmm, Ommegang and Fatty!

ringcycles said...

Pontius Pilate must be so stunned that the BSNYC motto has been published in latin, that he failed to sprint today.

ant1 said...

dear bikesnob,

i do not have a sad bike theft story of my own, but i do steal other's all the time, thereby creating such stories. if you give me the bike, i will not steal the next one i come across.

one less bike theft.

thanks,

your friendly neighborhood bike thief.

Nerd On A Bike said...

I just opened the link to your rendezvous with Fatty. Is he sitting in a NYC bar with a straw in his drink?

So embarassing for those of us in Utard.

Astroluc said...

seanywanton;

100% agreed... I could locke up 4x more crazy than Pee-Wee did and still be paranoid that someone would steal my bike.

It happened once... and I can only hope and pray (and be more careful locking) that it never happens again.

Once bitten, twice shy...

rezado said...

Maybe if you expose the beer company for being at fault you will get free beer for life. Hopefully enough to share with everyone who reads your blog.

Was it the beer guys fault?

mikeweb said...

Seany, I'll second that! I've had 2 bikes stolen in the last 6 years - oddly enough, both Cannondales that I'd set up the way I wanted for commuting ('wheelbrows', single-ring drivetrain, etc...). One was taken from my building and the other from where I'd chained it up in Astor Place for all of about 3 hours.

It is a pretty sickening feeling.

That said, anyone who u-locks only the top tube of their carefully curated fixie or just leaves their bike kick-standed outside a fancy bakery (a la the "Saffron King") shouldn't be that surprised at the consequences.

Of course, I defer to the wisdom of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCNGaafnAGk

leroy said...

I hold it it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have locked and lost

Than never to have locked at all.

Bob and Doug said...

@ rezado

We already tried that, hosehead.

rezado said...

Bob and Doug,

Are those your names or is that what you do?

Oooooh!

ant1 said...

leroy - well said

Anonymous said...

My bike was still there:
they only took a spoke card,
and stole my street-cred.

leroy said...

Ant1 signed my bike. Then he stole it.

Then he tried to sell it back to me.

At the retail price.

Honestly, how dumb do I look? It's used.

mikeweb said...

BTW, that bar that Fatty and Snobby went to is more or less my "local", being that I live so close, if there's a line for the WCs, it's quicker for me to use the 'reading room' in my apartment.2 dozen craft beers on tap AND a Sopranos pinball machine = so-weet.

Oh, and typing the phrase "Fatty and Snobby" just now made me feel a little dirty.

Vanonymous said...

I can has biek?

ant1 said...

in my defense, i did put on new top tube pad on it.

hillbilly said...

man, hard to say who deserves a free bike. if one was stolen and you haven't replaced with something, probably don't want one all that badly, but hard to give a freebie to someone who already has biek.

Anonymous said...

Another bailout for the irresponsible? Really? C'mon! I bought a house I can't afford so give me a break. I bought a car that gets crappy gas mileage so give me a break. I'm a slob so re-model my house for me. My bike got stolen so give me yours. LAME! How about giving it to someone who's not a complete idiot. P.S. I don't want the bike I'm just tired of people being rewarded for being stupid.

mlliu said...

Funny that Gothamist linked to one of your photos today: "Cops Crack Down on Sidewalk Bike Riders."

ant1 said...

anon 2:00. speaking for idiots everywhere, please do not exclude us from the contest.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:00pm,

If you read the contest rules it should be reasonably clear that losing your bicycle due to irresponsibility will work against you. Sometimes bicycles are stolen despite best efforts, and it is that sort of victim I hope to compensate.

--BSNYC

sufferist said...

I hear and obey, vote is in the pipe.

kale said...

Anon 2:00 has a point there. What kind of vondruke misplaces their biek, or gets their house destroyed by a voodoo curse earthquake? I'll tell you - laggards! I'll tell you what, check out a little bit of Ayn Rand instead of that hippy left wing New York Times and maybe you'll learn something about self-reliance.

Snob, you should probably make sure that the winner of the contest is a well-deserving man. One that is self-interested and dispassionate toward the loss of their property. It's more likely that a unsavory collectivist would steal a bike for 'the common good' rather than appreciate the raw freedom experienced from the Scattante.

mikeweb said...

"Bike Snob laughed."

CommieCanuck said...

Another bailout for the irresponsible? Really?

Instead of sending my letter to Snob, I sent it to Barack Obama. He didn't send me a new Scattante biek (latin for "shits often", or diarrhea), just 3 billion dollars if I promise to rebuild the lost biek with one that runs on electricity and has "If it's Brown, Flush Him Down" on the top-tube.

IIBFID

Anonymous said...

disqualified if they plan to practice bar spins!! Hell yeah! fuck those faggot fixters and their girly pants. I don't think there is anything in this world more irritating than some hipster talk about how much they love cycling...the faggots don't have a clue what cycling is yet they feel riding a track bike without brakes allows them to give opinions anyone wants to hear. friggen faggot hipsters suck whale balls!!!

CommieCanuck said...

P.S. I don't want the bike I'm just tired of people being rewarded for being stupid.

That



Unamerican

I just realized that Sarah Palin wears fake glasses.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

< What does "Scattante" mean anyway? >

A female relative who likes jazz.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

"Simhat Torah" rejoicing with the Performance team in israel..

Fergie said...

Careful with those rocket underpants comments, snobbie. You could find yourself on the No Fly list right quick.

Bad Lawyer said...

Congratulations Disguntl'd-One! Snob, should send you a Scattante and forget the contest.

Jefe said...

BSNYC 2:06, "If you read the contest rules it should be reasonably clear that losing your bicycle due to irresponsibility will work against you."

So I don't win?

Pontius Pilate said...

Ad moltos annos, Snob.

I nearly missed the Latin. Much in the way of the kudos to you, sir.

-P.P.

ervgopwr said...

Snob,

I did my patriotic duty and voted for our sport (mocking fixters).

Fatty can be the bloggie of the year.
You're welcome...

Also, when you jump-the-shark with the analog-version release, will there a gathering of the party-way?

I'd like an excuse to visit NYC.

From the land of Epic-burritos and fish-tacos

Anonymous said...

Omnes Malefici Sugete Meos Testes !!1!

Holy crap, that's funny.

Carl Marks said...

All these whiners about the immorality of the careless somehow seemingly dodging the receipt of their JUST DESSERTS must be the same group who "discovers" the book "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People", buys it, and then reads it over and over again, and still can't effin' figure out that LIFE AIN"T FAIR!

If it were, Republicans would burst into flames. Constantly. Firemen wouldn't have time for houses and stuff.

Anonymous said...

oh my dear boredom

http://vimeo.com/8960466

Anonymous said...

Commie Canuck @2:24
Kinda surprised at the racist comment there, pal. Whatever you think of Obama's policies, well, when you make comments like that, I think I know what you're real problem is.

Anonymous said...

(I mean "your.")

Luke said...

I hit a moving truck this summer but my left brifter was the only damaged (completely destroyed) part. Well, that and my wrist.

Do stolen locks count? The combined value of locks stolen from me almost matches the cost of a Scattante, and the idea of someone stealing a lock rather than a bicycle is sort of amusing, isn't it? No? Ok.

ant1 said...

anon 3:14 - what part of CC's comment was racist?

danaceau said...

Do I have to spell "BEIK" wrong in my entry?

mikeweb said...

If CC's comment seems racist, it only signifies the reader's ignorance of recent current events.

ant1 said...

yeah, it seems that guy said racist when he meant ignorant, and CC when he meant himself.

Anonymous said...

Well, there is something fundamentally unamerican about giving something away just because you don't need it.

The Chairman said...

will the bike come with skinny jeans? cause I never had a pair & would like to wear them when riding.. Kevlar skinnies would be even better

CommieCanuck said...

Commie Canuck @2:24
Kinda surprised at the racist comment there, pal. Whatever you think of Obama's policies, well, when you make comments like that, I think I know what you're real problem is.


Um, dear Anonymous PC dumbfuck,...use the internet and perhaps a search function to look up "Scott Brown", who is neither a Scot, nor Brown.

Don't get up in my koolaid if you don't even know what flavor it is.

flynn said...

Despite my sad story, I think I'll bow out because I already won a scat contest in Thailand last summer

hillbilly said...

i just thought cc was being anti-poop, a poopist

CommieCanuck said...

New idea:

Snob, let's get some people together to ship that Scattante to Haiti. I'm fucking fed up with billionaires like Bono, Madonna and Celine Dione asking us for "help", when all they ever donated was their awesomeness for a 3 minute shitty song.

CommieCanuck said...

Don't get up in my koolaid if you don't even know what flavor it is.

Whomever can explain this wins a free CCM 3-speed with banana seat.

CommieCanuck said...

Anon 3:14:

1. Put mouse cursor over link below.
2. Press down.
3. Release.

Who is Scott Brown?

See you at the Tuesday night fish-fry and cross burning, bring fresh sheets.

Anonymous said...

I nominate this entry:
http://bellingham.craigslist.org/wan/1567098491.html

San Antonio Employment Lawyers said...

So if I were to try to color coordinate and wheelie my scattante it would be considered inappropriate.

ringcycles said...

CC, I think PP will confirm that Scattante is latin for "poops before he eats", i.e. the gluton who purges before a Roman orgy/feast and is never invited again.

Snob, I think this whole contest is terribly urbanist and puts all of us who have fled the throbbing metropolis at a distinct disadvantage. Farmboys ride bikes too. Just without as much experience of big city bike theft.

grog said...

one word: sympathyvote

Anonymous said...

um, Canuck, I did a double take when I read the "flush it down" comment as well.

g said...

Ringcycles,
If you promise to leave your garage unlocked, I will gladly steal your beik so you can get a new one. It's a hoot when that happens. Just for grins, I may walk off with your lawn mower and the cd's from your car, in case Fatty decides to up the ante in this contest.
thank me later.

adamant said...

I'm pretty sure that Scattante is Italian for what a bear does in the woods.

leroy said...

Anons 3:14 and 5:03 --

I've said it before, but in the interest of public safety, I'll say it again.

Go to Google.

Type in "Find Chuck Norris"

Then read "CommieCanuck" where you see "Chuck Norris."

For God's sake, he's Canadian!! They all own chain saws and wood chippers. You do not want to make them mad when they are hopped up on maple sugar.

And of course, they would never stoop to lame generic stereotype humor.

And thank your lucky stars Ant1 didn't sell you back your stolen bike with a top tube pad covering his signature. (I think I overpaid.)

kerry said...

I disagree. Fatty can be said to be 'paunchy' on his blog where he rides with Radio shack. Hes hard as nails everywhere else but Stay Puff man stomach wise.

Snobby, thats ok if yr fat. Ive got a gal of Sara Lee in Freezer. Enough for you and partner, too!( French Vanilla). Ive laready had nmy half teaspoon, the rest is for guests.

kerry said...

Actually the BMX thing/ Gimp idea goeds well with Landis, his being a MTB and well, a idiot. Wear the Landis mask UNDER the gimp hoodie.

Hmm, this is getting too kinky even for ME. Waxing, rock racing, gimp masks, BMX bikes and Landis.

I feel a little ill...

Esau bin necker said...

Commie commie sure is in a rotten mood I didn't like him until I turned mooslim now I thinks he is ok becos he don't like no republicans and us mooslims don't neither

Sarah P. said...

It's too fuckin cold up there, i'd be I. A pissy mood to if it was 30 below...

Anonymous said...

"Don't get up in my koolaid if you don't even know what flavor it is.

Whomever can explain this wins a free CCM 3-speed with banana seat."

I need a biek so here goes?:
dont bother with my business you dont know me..

meh?... course have no idea how to pick it up...

Anonymous said...

I mean, if we gave things away just because we don't need them, we'd have given back the Philippines. Then how would they have been brought to Jesus?

Cadel said...

Sweet 98th!!! WTF?

Hey thanks for waiting up assoles, I flatted and you bitches just flew by, crap I woulda podiumed had I had a better bike, now I'm pissed...!

So fuck you..

leroy said...

99...

Wait a minute, where'd my bike go?

Oh dear.

Not again.

Someone else take 100.

Cody said...

You have my vote.

Anonymous said...

Mihi pergratum est videre tuam novam sententiam Latinam in signo. Sed parvulus error manet..."Sugete" necesse est corrigere et scribere verbum "sugite."

vale

B. Diccus

Julius Caesar said...

Pilate, leave me out of this!

PCLA said...

Repubs are in favor of personal responsibility and self reliance for the middle and lower classes and bailouts and protections for billionaires and corporations.

So, uh, give the Scattante to a Wall Street Fat Cat!

tom said...

Does the fact that your sticker link disappeared mean that the new emblem you've revealed is going to "drop" soon?

Anonymous said...

seperated at birth...danny bonaduce and commiecanuck?

kerry said...

Hey Ping - for the final time. We are bike riding royalty. Or at least I am. Those them there Nikes dont have little cleats in em, wont work. No padding in them shorts. Hurts my bee-hind. Go away.

Snobby, the goose is real cute on your new logo, like it!!Oh I love this column.

wvcycling said...

Boy, the bloggies awards are boiling down to some deep rage.

Anonymous said...

what is a vote?
we don't have it here in pyongyang

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Jeez, Snob, New York City is hard on bikes, so you need a new one about every year. Surely you know that. How many free bikes do you get in a year? Oh well, it's fun to piss off the right wingers by doing nice things for people you don't know, especially when there is no material gain in it for yourself.

Anonymous said...

So many email addresses, so many IPs. This voting thing could take awhile.

CommieCanuck said...

I'd like to nominate the Bloggies website designer for "dumbest use of the side scroll bar".

Wheels Of Change said...

Voted, Sir Snob. Keep up the good work.

wadep said...

OMFG, been away for a while--love the goose-borne ribbon. best laugh i've had all week.

yeah-but nobody stolt my bike so i can't enter the 'test.

Le Girls said...

This blog is "whatever" -- but me and my girl Chel'ss blog is AMAZING! Come read our thoughts on all sorts of recent topick!

aditthegrat said...

blah... poor me, don't understand the meaning of your motto...

Omnes Malefici Sugete Meos Testes

DAVID said...

BIKE CONTEST INFO

NAME DAVE
AGE 105
NUMBER OF BIKES 0
LAST BIKE TAKEN BY A LARGE SNAKE LIKE MONSTER

NEEDED TO TAKE MY 3 YEAR OLD CHILD TO THE DOCTOR.

lol said...

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