Thursday, December 6, 2007

The Italian Job: Cycling's Crime of the Century

While the cycling press obsesses about the usual stuff like doping scandals, new product offerings, and yawn-inducing grand tour route unveilings, it seems to be missing the real story of the century—I’m talking of course about the theft of Velonews technical guru and vertically advantaged custom bicycle fabricator Lennard Zinn’s laptop. The theft occurred during Zinn’s trip to Italy for the Milan bike show, and as a cycling blogger it really hit home for me. While my old Commodore 64 isn’t much of a target for thieves, it does contain copious notes for the biography I’m writing about Carson Daly, and I shudder to think of what would happen if it were ever to get stolen. Zinn’s laptop on the other hand contained more bike porn than Pete Townshend’s contains kiddie porn, and since an actual mainstream publication depends on that steady flow of porn it’s a real blow to the cycling media. In fact, pictures from its hard-drive are already starting to surface on the internet:

(inside the Colnago factory)


(the line outside the exhibition hall)




(Castelli's new women's jersey)



(???)

While Zinn seems to think this was merely the work of some opportunistic thieves, I’m convinced that someone or something far more insidious is behind it. I’m currently investigating a number of suspects, among them:

Bicycling Magazine

Think about it—who had the most to gain from what was on that laptop? Bicycling’s readers demand a steady stream of the sort of distended carbon gimmickry that was on display at the Milan bike show. And sending someone over there to take pictures of it is expensive. You’ve got to pay for things like the flight, the accommodations, and the lavish Bacchanals for which cycling reporters like Zinn are famous. It’s a lot cheaper, however, to Paypal some guy a few Euros to pinch Zinn’s computer and email you the photos. And trust me, I’ve dealt with Bicycling, so I know what I’m talking about. I don’t want to get into details here, but if some guy on a Madone wearing a Primal jersey corners you in an alley and says, “Hey kid, wanna make a fast 20 bucks?,” just say no.

A Cadre of US-Based Bicycle Companies

In an age when carbon rules, Italian bike companies have become largely irrelevant. Once upon a time Italian frames were steel masterpieces painstakingly hand-crafted by skilled artisans. Now, however, they’re just hunks of plastic like everything else—except their bottom bracket shells are threaded the wrong way. Nonetheless, companies like Cannondale, Specialized, and the Great Trek Bicycle-Making Company will not rest until every last Pinarello, DeRosa, Colnago, and Basso is out of business. Or at least making coffee machines like they should be.

A Renegade Spy

Anybody who’s been to either Europe or the movies knows that the continent is full of two types of people: college-age American backpackers and renegade spies. In fact, you’re unlikely to actually encounter a European in Europe. You’re much more likely to meet either someone you sat next to in a lecture or a skilled assassin who is handsome, speaks six languages, has a knowledge of fine wine, and can rig a high-powered explosive from a cell phone, a pack of Galoises, and a Danish. It’s entirely possible that one of these spies either needed Zinn’s computer as part of some ruse, or simply mistook him for an adversary.

Himself

I feel bad suggesting it, but as Inspector Clouseau said, “I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.” I’m not saying Zinn’s a bad guy or anything. I’m just saying deadlines can loom large, and time can really fly when you’re out partying with Donatella Versace, Mario Cipollini, and Silvio Berlusconi.

Jobst Brandt

The raging battle between ubercurmudgeon, keeper of the rec.bicycles.tech FAQ, and serial retrogrouch Jobst Brandt and Lennard Zinn continues unabated. Nothing less than the future of cycling hangs in the balance. I’m sure that as Alessandro Guerciotti’s Maserati powered through the Italian Alps he and Zinn wondered how the strange man on the yellow bicycle with 10 centimeters of headset spacers was managing to keep up. I’m sure Zinn also got the strange feeling when he returned to his room in the early morning after partying with Donatella Versace, Mario Cipollini, and Silvio Berlusconi that something was amiss. Nothing he could put a finger on exactly—just a vague sense that things weren’t quite as he left them coupled with the lingering scent of bratwurst. If Brandt does indeed have possession of Zinn’s laptop, Zinn isn’t the only one in trouble. If you’ve got integrated shift levers, more than six cogs, and less than 36 spokes, your days could be numbered.





DISCLAIMER: The post above is meant in fun. I was sincerely dismayed to read about the theft. All the best to Zinn and Guerciotti.

66 comments:

M. Weed said...

first!

Anonymous said...

second

Anonymous said...

zoink

M. Weed said...

Hey BSNYC,

Don't you find that Manhattan is actually pretty similar to your description of Europe, i.e., that it's hard to find a Manhattanite in Manhattan? I recall you saying something in your first podcast about how it's not much of an accomplishment to be from New York, but I think maybe it is... Seems like for the most part it's like Chuck Klosterman says: full of "midwesterners with $100 haircuts".

Anonymous said...

top five...

Anonymous said...

arrrrrggh.

guero canadiense said...

And Zinn gets a quick dose of common sense 101 for laptop owners.

clayton said...

m.weed: the people born in manhattan, if younger than 30, are in the bathrooms blowing coke. if you find them there, avoid speaking to them. their lifelong narcissism runs thicker than their blood. if they're older than 30, they should be easy enough to spot: they have the mental cogency of 85 year olds and shake a lot. years and years of coke addiction will do that.

Heckler said...

On an unrelated note:
Sad to hear about this, but nice to at least see some citations issued for once.

More.Mayhem said...

I blame the apes.

Those long-armed, short-torsoed Circus side show exhibits who ride the ass-high-in-the-air fixies you've written about before.

They are bitter. Bitter & angry that not one manufacturer had a single bicycle sporting a 700c rear wheel and a 20" front wheel.

Zinn was an easy target to unleash their frustrations.

The local police are remaining tight-lipped about this, but believe me: this story is about to break wide open.

Anonymous said...

TOP 10, POLKADOT JERSEY!!

Evershed said...

Stick to the written word, you flopped on that interview.

dblrider said...

Top ten!

BikeSnobNYC said...

M. Weed,

Definitely true here as I'm sure it is in all big cities. I maintain though that being born somewhere is not an accomplishment. Moving somewhere under your own steam in pursuit of a goal (or even some fun) is. That takes drive and that's what makes cities like NYC great. If nobody moved here, eventually the whole city would turn into a town full of yokels.

--BSNYC

BikeSnobNYC said...

Evershed,

Thanks for the feedback. Please note that comments deriding my interviews should be made in the posts that link to those interviews.

--BSNYC

Karl Rover said...

Nice post. It must be frustrating to the Italian frame builders to see the "Steel is Real" boom in the US when it comes to single speeds and fixies. Most of the frames I see around here are born in the USA.

Anonymous said...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Evershed,

Thanks for the feedback. Please note that comments deriding my interviews should be made in the posts that link to those interviews.

--BSNYC

BURN!!!!!!!

blubberpuss said...

My ducats are on Jobst. Read his book backwards and find out to tune your spokes in a way where pinging them in prescribed sequences with different colored Park spoke wrenches will skeleton-key any electronic lock.

It also informs the reader how 36 spokes is based double chai, which roots the wheel in kabbalistic numerology and, well, maybe it would be easier to just watch "Pi".

Scott said...

Maserati doesn't have a z in it...

But man, plus a million points for the Carson Daly reference. Whatever happened to that guy?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Scott,

Mine does. I guess that's why it was so cheap. (Thanks--I made the correction.)

Carson Daly is not only still on TV but he's defying the writers' strike:

http://tinyurl.com/ysgeqx

--BSNYC

clayton said...

carson daly is defying the strike by writing much of his own material? that might actually be worth watching. i can't even imagine what to expect other than unintended hillariousness.

Anonymous said...

My suspect: BSNYC!

Knowing he wouldn't have any products to review, any magazine articles to promote, any podcasts this week and realizing if he took another day off like after Thanksgiving he'd throw the cycling world into chaos he did what had to be done:

Hire a couple thugs from FGG (It's a vast conspiracy this whole hate/hate game they play) using connections made with his years spent working with the Italian (bicycle) Mafia. Before long, laptop's gone, BSNYC has a new topic (and a bunch of porn - both kinds probably), and all is well in the world.

clayton said...

apparently he also lost a bunch of weight and now looks like an alien.

hatten said...

"While my old Commodore 64 isn’t much of a target for thieves, it does contain copious notes for the biography I’m writing about Carson Daly, and I shudder to think of what would happen if it were ever to get stolen."

"...strange man on the yellow bicycle with 10 centimeters of headset spacers..."

great post

Freepotato said...

Carson Daly is a roadie...

http://www.thecelebritycondition.com/2006/10/carson_daly_jum.html

And I hate myself for actually knowing this...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Freepotato,

Wow, and a textbook one at that. White shoes and white carbon. Where are his socks, though? No socks is for triathletes and trackies.

--BSNYC

BikeSnobNYC said...

...oh, and speaking of Bianchis, there's this:

http://www.shorewoodbicycle.com/index.html

(Thanks Will.)

Though it appears to be from the set of an upcoming Coen Brothers movie and not a candid shot.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

When I saw that picture of Carson I threw up in my mouth a little bit

Anonymous said...

you think brads dress shoes are spd compatible

leroy said...

Why Clayton, what a terrible thing to say about folks born in Manhattan.

I was born in Manhattan.

My mother was in the hospital there at the time and I thought I should be with her.

And just because I shake a little that doesn't mean my cognitive skills have ... have ... have ....

Err, what were we talking about again?

Scott said...

Whoa, Carson and Brad, both on Bianchis? Think Bianchi's shelling out to get product placements?

Anonymous said...

scott,

No it's not Bianchi, they will never make more than the MSRP on Pistas... it's all the cool kids on Craigslist looking to make sales

"FS: Brad Pittsta 4 all u hipstas, Darfur adoptee edition Deep Vs, NJS toeclips, Campi tape, $800 OBO"

Jim said...

Nice. Carson Daly isn't skeletal, starved and anorexic... he's just a wannabe roadie. Cool, that explains a lot of things.

Don't forget kinda-dorky Mark Paul Gosselar, who is a decent (Cat 3) roadracer. Dorkier than Carson, probably more technically correct on the bike.

Then there's Brad Pitt dressed up as a commuter. Mega dorky.

Do you notice a trend here - there is a direct relationship between the coolness/attractiveness of the Hollywood person, and their dorkiness on a bike. Zack from Saved by the Bell? Bigtime dork. Demonstrably good roadie. Carson Daly - Less dorky, but looks like a pretty fair wannabe, maybe even can hammer. Brad Pitt on a bike - only missing the scraggly beard, wire rimmed glasses and a pipe.

If this trend continues, and we see crazyhot Angelina Jolie on wheels, it'll be on a recumbent trike.

And the smokin' hot Kate Winslett probably rides a neon green powder coated Magna fixed gear full suspension MTB with 20" orange powdercoated deep vees, dogdick handlebars and a brake lever mounted underneath the bottom bracket.

Oh yeah, and at the other end of the spectrum, way beyond Mark Paul Gosselar, ueberdork Andy Dick will probably turn up at Nationals racing Cat I for Gotham Bikes on an impeccably turned out Colnago.

This is disturbing.

Freepotato said...

I would imagine that Andy Dick is more likely to be arrested for having sex with his Colnago...

Snob, Carson's quest for "PROness" should garner at least a mention in the bio... perhaps a paragraph or two on his quest for the proper technique for knee shaving and the appropriate use of embrocations...

Anonymous said...

Mark Paul Gosselaar is a trackie.

I raced with him and he smoked me, even though I was like 10 when Saved by the Bell came on.

urchin said...

Did anyone else think it was a little odd that LZ could run an oversized and advice-packed article on laptop theft on VeloNews.com? Either people are just begging to hear him hold forth on absolutely anything, or he (and VN) just thinks so...

Tech Report, with Lennard Zinn: Where I finally found my keys this morning, and ten new gadgets to prevent losing them again.

Tech Report, with Lennard Zinn: This week's navel lint collection: of incredible high-tech fibers.


great post, btw.

bikesgonewild said...

...andy dick...carbon seatpost...beljum budder...no saddle...

...just sayin'...

stinkbike said...

The picture labled "???"
Stinkbike LIKE.

ohhhhhh stinkbike like

gttim said...

I like the new Castelli jersey.

The (???) picture is how the bike shop I used to work at told females we had to properly fit seats. Rarely did we get them to do it without their pants. Is the guy in the blue cowboy shirt showing her how to hold a water bottle at the same time?

leroy said...

Heckler --

Thanks for the link to the NY Times article. That is a very crowded section of Sixth Avenue.

The New York Post reported the same crash, but its headline called it a "Freak Mishap" and forgot to mention that the dead cyclist was riding in the bike lane on his way to work when he was doored by the passenger in a car parked at a fire hydrant. The Post also got the cyclist's age and time of the crash wrong.

Small wonder. The Post is also the home of columnist Steven Dunleavy who writes articles cheering people who door bicyclists.

http://www.streetsblog.org/2006/07/27/inebriated-columnist-vs-kamikaze-jerks/

You can't really blame Mr. Dunleavy though. He's a blackout drunk who, legend has it, was once hit by a snowplow while passed out in a drift on Third Avenue.

But it kinda makes you wonder what Rupert Murdoch's editors are thinking.

I mean Dunleavy shouldn't be allowed to operate heavy machinery like a word processor. And the Post could put his salary to better use by hiring a fact checker or two.

Anonymous said...

If that's Andy Dick's ride, what would Clint Howard, Wallace Shawn, or Marty Feldman (rest his soul) ride?

And "hot-as-hell" Kate Winslet? Seriously? I mean no offense but you must not be getting out much these days. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers and she's still way hotter than anything I could pull but "hot as hell"?

John said...

That pic of Jobst could be anywhere I suppose, but it reminds of a section of Highway 9 a couple miles from Skyline. My one and only encounter with Jobst was just above that section, and he was wearing a musette bag just like in the picture. He was stopping along the roadside collecting mushrooms. I recognized him, so I stopped to talk. He didn't say much, but he did tell me that my Rolf Vector Pro wheels (long gone) were "a solution to a problem that doesn't exist".

WhidbeyRider said...

A Disclaimer!
Have you become so popular that the "irony free" members of society are now reading you?

Jim said...

Anon 4:49 said: If that's Andy Dick's ride, what would Clint Howard, Wallace Shawn, or Marty Feldman (rest his soul) ride? And "hot-as-hell" Kate Winslet? Seriously? I mean no offense but you must not be getting out much these days.

If they were alive and riding (as appropriate), and the Hollywood Dork/Awesome Rider rule applies universally, they'd form the backbone of Liquigas. Steve Buscemi, of course, would be the Supported Rider.

And as for Kate Winslet - of course I think she's hot as hell. As The Fattest Roadracer in the World™ I find the unattainable state of moderate to severe anorexia to be quite alluring. Knees bigger than her thighs, being able to see what she ate for breakfast (nothing) when somebody holds a flashlight to her back, growing the Anorexia Chick Peachfuzz Mustache... Hey, if that's not Roadie Hot, I don't know what is. She could probably drop Michael Rasmussen on Alpe d'Huez. Y'know, if she wasn't on the verge of fainting all the time.

Ps. 'Tis true I don't get out much or at least don't follow Hollyweird very much, and that girl is *wayyy* too skinny for my tastes. But it's all I could come up with on short notice. Give me a break, it's the holidays and I've been hittin' the eggnogg since noon.

bikesgonewild said...

...i'll tell ya, jim, it sounds ta me like you should be working the other 'olsen twin'...

...you & the lance-ster could be double dating w/ the possibility of some kinky "four play"...

...but if yer out clubbin' w/ the twins, do not let andy dick sit on your lap...you'll end up wanting to ride a recumbent...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

$160 POS on Seattle's Craigslist

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/bik/499824942.html

Andy Pandy said...

Fear not all is saved. If, and if, Brandt does have the alleged PC then its clamm like protective shell will save the bike world from this information being disseminated. Could those knarled and greasy mitts possibly work on something as small and annoying as a pc clasp opener???? If this security level is compromised I can only imagine Brandt racing up to a power pole, locking his bike to it, and trying to plug said PC in. Again with all the fail safe mechanisms of cyber pc world, my next image would be of him trying to open up a file with his 20 tool Swiss army knife. For once technology has delivered us and the capitalist free market world can get on with what it does best, turning us into faithful consumers.

PS. a pc would not fit into a musset bag so Brandt would be a sitting duck for the Italian Police

Anonymous said...

to Anonymous at 7:29

Thanks for the tip on that "killer awesome" bike on CL for only $160. I feel so guilty, I think I'll offer him an even $200.

Bluenoser said...

Steve Martin stand aside, BikeSnobNYC is the new l'inspecteur Jacques Clouseau. I was glad to see that you now know the workings of Bicycling Magazine. Have you not noticed l'inspecteur Snob that there has been a slow and steady infiltration of tri-type influence as of late? A mention here a workout plan there. I think the FitChick is behind it.

Don't the Tri-people have their own magazine. It's waterproof, made of Mylar pages like a surveyors book. The have a rig made of a hardhat harness hooked up to the top of a sheet music stand so they can read while swimming endless laps in a pool until overcome by chlorine poisoning.

It's bad enough that they don't know where Europe is and that I have to get the good stuff from Cycle Sport America.

Now that it looks like Conrad Black is going to jail I don't know where we are going to get our news from in Canada. He owned all our magazines. Oh yeah he went to Europe, he's now Lord blace of something pool... pool, maybe he's a tri-guy.

-B

Bluenoser said...

Maybe even Lord Black...

-B

bikesgonewild said...

...baron black of crossharbour...all that wealth has made him a legend in his own mind...chicago, 3 more days, maybe the SEC trial will nail his nancyboy ass...

...arrrgh, probably not...

Bluenoser said...

bikesgonewild,

He said in todays news up here that prison might be a tad boring.

Maybe Martha Stewart will come decorate for him. Her being alumni and all.

Maybe he'll start a new magazine from the inside. Lots of idle writers right now.

-B

Nick said...

Wow that Carson Daly photo is just plain troubling. And you know what? I've never even seen him on TV, or if I have I didn't even know it. Gottal love the clothes. (I won't say kit.) Used to do a group ride that Nelson Vails did. He showed up with an "instamatic" camera (yes, that long ago) to take photos of all of the "pro-fessionals". Way funny.

* said...

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or (a) pam-- (a) --per (a)
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(a) (a) icky icky (a) (a) mmm
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Yo

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I spin dem like a windmill
New talk fi dem
Gwarn tella dem we got the skill
dance cyan nice unless we name pon de bill
And the girls hear we voices like dem dreams get fulfill
??? me-ni-me-ni ??? me-ni-me-ni ??? me-ni-me-ni chill
??? we nah sekkle we nah ???
Wah de want come see us say us must be sick and must be ill
Test the General unnu better go write your will, becah

(a) (a) icky icky (a) (a) mmm
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Incredible Gene--
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Select, selec-lect (a) (a) (a)
Sensational wah dem call me
I am the (a)
Incred (a)
Incred (a)
Incredible Gene--
Booyaka
Select, selec-lect (a) (a) (a)
Sensational so wah

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Watch out
Talking about General
Unnu must be sick unnu must be fraud
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Talking about ya ???
You ah cold like salad
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Stand up and we drop it like
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You diss ???
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Dis de General
You get the critical ward

(a) icky icky (a) (a) mmm
Wicked, (M-Beat ya come fe mad dem) wicked

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with the riddim and the riddim ah ramp, nah ramp with de riddim at all
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I give them ??? sound ??? (wicked, wicked)
and I ??? suck it in ??? (wicked, wicked)
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??? (wicked, wicked)

Some of dem ah wee and
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Some of dem ah addict for the coke and ah bawl fi the crack and ah cry for the opium, wah me do

Select, selec-lect (a) (a) (a)

B34NS said...

FAIL

Bluenoser said...

See. They can't ride bicycles either.

-B

Anonymous said...

Jim 5:44: I always love it when a reader's comments make me laugh harder than BSNYC's post from the day.

Thanks for your reply, I'll be re-reading that all day today. It didn't make me pee my pants but I'm glad I'm not riding right now because eyecicyles would be merging with my snotcicles.

-Anon 4:49

db said...

So the rumors are true -- Jim's on "the nog".

sbcnyc said...

hey Clayton.... coke is basically left for the 30+ bracket in the city...trustafarians cant afford coke with that $2600 willamsburg rent, even with 9 roomates!!! in a closet!! you silly freak, what kinda hypestur would want to live where people around them are going to WORK!!!

those trackbike things arent cheap, neither is 4 dollar pbr, and have you seen what a haircut cost these future republicans...oh i didnt go there

to believe that a handful of my gen dont hork coke isnt enough.. i was born in manhattan, and currently reside in its bowels as well.. and no, im a non paper pusher, nor am i a freebird cycle scoundrel..and no.. i dont pump gas either

im proud to hate on hypsters, not ride the white horse, and know alot of bars i can have a good beer buzz for 10 bux flat

but seriously the photo with gangbang prelim has got to be set on a new cyclepro kevlar jacket liner that is proved to repel any liquid... any... liquid

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