Thursday, February 28, 2008

Worst of NYC Craigslist: More Stomach-Churning Bike Love

With Levi Leipheimer gathering signatures like a bucket of maple syrup gathers flies, people all over the country apparently moving by bike, and the "Save the Messengers" campaign in full swing, I figured I'd continue to revel in the spirit of togetherness by giving some additional exposure to the bike-related Craigslist "missed connections." Who knows? Perhaps some of the parties concerned will see this, make contact, and go on to find the misery they deserve:

Monday: You were riding your bike and stopped me to say "Hi" - w4m (East Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/589379303.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-27, 10:30PM EST

at the corner of 2nd Ave & 7th St. You asked me about my day. I was a little spaced out. Maybe we could talk some more sometime?

Sorry, life does not offer second chances. Unless your name is Mario Cipollini. But even then they rarely work out. It’s kind of like wrapping bar tape: you get one shot at perfection, and every time you unwind and re-wrap things just get messier and messier. Considering that this guy rides around town trying to pick up strangers, chances are he’s probably gone and wrapped his sticky underside around someone else by now. Let him go and look for a new roll.

Garrett Popcorn Shop - m4w - 33 (Midtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/589073120.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-27, 5:36PM EST

Last week, you were in front of me in line at the popcorn shop. You had a bike helmet in your hand and were wearing leg warmers, curly hair, you ran out of the store because you seemed like you were running out of time. You were the most beautiful thing I've even seen. We chatted, post back if you remember what we chatted about.

Did the chat go something like this? Because I think I was behind you guys in line.

M: Hey, do you ride a bike?

W: Yeah.

M: Wow, you’re really brave to ride in the city. I’m afraid of the taxis. I used to have a bike when I lived in Sardinia though. Have you ever been to Sardinia?

W: No.

M: Oh, it’s beautiful. Sheep country, you know. They have delicious sheep’s milk cheese there. Fiore Sardo, Pecorina Sardo, Pecorino Romano... Gosh, my mouth waters just thinking about it. You really can’t get cheese like that here in the States.

W: I’m lactose intolerant.

M: Wow, you’re really missing out. I’ll tell you what is delicious, though. This popcorn. Did you know that Halle Berry eats it?

W: No.

M: Well she does. So what are you getting?

W: I don’t know.

M: Well, I know what I’m getting. I’m getting a two gallon drum of the Macadamia CaramelCrisp. Then, when I get home, I’m going to melt a big hunk of casu marzu all over it. Casu marzu is especially delicious because it contains insect larvae. In Sardinia they call it maggot cheese.

W: Um, I have to go.

M: Hey, wait! Let me give you my number! We’ll have cheese!

Crashing Into You, Ludlow & Rivington - 32 (Lower East Side) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/586785087.html]
Reply to: [deleted]Date: 2008-02-25, 8:05PM EST

Totally my fault, a little lesson in humility...

Hope you're doing okay, I feel bad about smashing my bike into you.

Bloody nose and a fat lip was what I got and most certainly deserved.

All apologies, again.

Thanks for being such a good sport about it all.

While this person doesn’t include details of the collision, I’m just going to assume he was riding a brakeless fixed-gear bicycle which he was unable to stop. Brakeless fixed-gear related injuries are to the early 21st century what LSD freakouts were to the 60s, flared trouser-related slip-and-falls were to the 70s, Walkman-related tinnitus was to the 80s, and mosh pit-related tooth loss was to the 90s. If “When Harry Met Sally” were made today, Billy Crystal definitely would have flattened Meg Ryan at an intersection while trying to stop his IRO.

Sheriff of Nottingham's Daughter - m4w (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/585761901.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-24, 11:53PM EST

I was walking West on 23rd Saturday night with my weary Portuguese friend with an empty propane tank on the front rack of my Swedish military bike.

You were charming and on a hopeless search for wine with your friend.

Anyway, I realized we rudely neglected to invite you both to the BBQ when it gets warmer.

“If you couldn’t tell from reading my post, every single aspect of my life is contrived and pretentious. In addition to having a weary Portuguese friend and a Swedish military bike, I prepare my coffee in a French press, relieve myself in a Turkish toilet, wear a West Papuan penis gourd in warm weather, and have an unpronounceable sexually transmitted disease with an indeterminate country of origin. Because having a Portuguese friend is not as charming and whimsical as having a weary Portuguese friend, I make sure he stays weary by arranging inconveniently early dim sum breakfasts, challenging him to regular squash games, and placing phone calls to him in the middle of the night. I do hope you will attend our BBQ this summer, which promises to be well-attended by weary people of various nationalities, all wearing penis gourds, sipping mojitos, and discussing the arts, exotic locales, and vital issues of the day.”

112 comments:

Anonymous said...

Resident of a small, damp, entry-level city makes podium!

erik k said...

douche bag

Jon is a Typhoon! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cameron said...

hey what's wrong with Papuan penis gourds?

Anonymous said...

podium! 3rd place was Cavendished.

Anonymous said...

"Sorry, life does not offer second chances."

Whoa! That's news to me!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bikesnob:
Can you make Papuan penis gourds available for sale on this website, in addition to the "seal of disapproval" stickers?

Anonymous said...

When is it appropriate to substitute a Cone of Smugness for a Papuan penis gourd?

gttim said...

I wonder if Sheriff of Nottingham's Daughter has a Swiss Army knife?

Kark said...

"chances are he’s probably gone and wrapped his sticky underside around someone else by now. Let him go and look for a new roll."

awesome. ..fukin magic Bsnob!

Anonymous said...

Has anyone seen my Pearl Izumi penis gourd?

Commiecanuk said...

the Swedish military rides bikes? This is a selling point? Somehow, 'Swedish military' doesn't inspire confidence, much like "Canadian military'.

Can we buy these bikes at IKEA? "Fixxen"?

Eat shit
Just kidding!

agentdetroit said...

quantum leap alleycat tomorrow featuring scott bakula, frankie andreu 7 p.m. hart plaza

SeattleM&M said...

Papuan gourds are so last century. I'm sporting the full carbon model, with high tech wicking fleece liner. It doubles as a kickstand, which gives the boys time to breath while I'm in the coffee shop.

broomie said...

Is maggot cheese hard, soft, or crumbly? I'm having a dinner party and I really want to impress.

I figure I'll just leave the penis gourd on the table as a coversation piece.

broomie said...

doh! Typo

Sprocketboy said...

Mario, Mario--say it ain't so! If only Michael Ball offered a Rock Racing Penis Gourd, all would be forgiven.

I am mopping up my keyboard after reading the comments on the third ad. Ah, the weary Portuguese.

Anonymous said...

Ha-Ha! I made the "podium"! Yes, finally my life is complete. Wait...no...oh, I am still just a loser.

Anonymous said...

haven't laughed that hard since i read the pilfered pennyfarthing post

DrCodfish said...

Excellent; Definitely meets or exceeds your high standards.

YrPal DrCodfish

Anonymous said...

BSNYC –
That was an inspiring collection of piercing insults in the final run-on sentences. How do you do it? You got one shot at perfection and aced it.

Jim said...

I was walking West on 23rd Saturday night with my weary Portuguese friend with an empty propane tank on the front rack of my Swedish military bike.

If Craigslist Required Truth in Advertising:

"I was standing on a street corner on West 23rd looking like a fatter, dumber, slightly less menacing version of Travis Bickle, wearing a vaguely paramilitary green jacket, and leaning on a vaguely paramilitary olive drab-colored hand painted Univega, with a propane tank we threw off a bridge at a passing car later that night. You? Hot, young, and female. Me? Hassling chicks and asking old people, "you lookin' at me?" I know I said my friend was a weary immigrant Porta-gee, but in truth he's a thoroughly rested Puerto Rican from Brooklyn who looks weary only becasue he's usually stoned the bejeezus. It's been a while, if you know what I mean, so I'd be thrilled to death to hook up with you, or any one of the 31 other women I hassled that night, except for that chick with the guy who smelled like maggot cheese. My uncle used to own a cheese shop in Sardinia and he used to make us eat that shit... worst place I've ever been. Worst cheese too.

Gaahl of Gorgorth said...

Who cares if the sheriff's daughter has a Swiss army knife, what I really wanna know is if she'd care for some Norwegian wood.

Fritz said...

So many possibilities with the hidden alliteration in this post: Papuan penis gourds protruding from your pretentious Portuguese Pecorina propane-popped popcorn at the party. Poop on the podium, people!

Judi said...

People really post that shit?

Anonymous said...

Bike snob: Top notch post, this one had me laughing. Thank you!

gttim said...

...Norwegian wood.

Dammit! You drafted on my and then took the sprint!

McLovin said...

Yes Judy, there is a Santa Clause.

The beauty of the internet is that it is best described as the metaphorical rope in which to hang oneself.
What some bloggers and Facebookers don't get right now is that this is all cached and searchable, so that 2034 Presidential candidate will eventually be exposed by his/her "gangsta" blog or JPEGs with compromised sheep.

For the first time in human history, people's moronic phase in life is documented and searchable, with photos and video. Much better than a faked blurry photo with Jane Fonda.

We are entering a whole generation of men who will eventually see mom on "Girls Gone Wild in Panama III" videos.

ChrisB. said...

I love people who talk like an excerpt from a J. Peterman catalog.

Anonymous said...

quantum leap alleycat tomorrow featuring scott bakula, frankie andreu 7 p.m. hart plaza

WTF?

vacuumrunamok said...

Wait, can't most lactose intolerant people eat cheese? Don't the enzymes smite the evil lactates that produce the digestive issues?

If not, my girlfriend has a really big one brewing that's likely to flatten a few city blocks.

leroy said...

BSNYC --

That post was so good that you have done what is darn near impossible: I am speechless.

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

FIRST!!!!!!!!!

Bill said...

It's the subtlety of pretention that BSNYC captures so well, befitting a true snob one supposes:

"inconveniently early dim sum breakfasts"

Truly a spit-take inducing comment, and in real life too.

Anonymous said...

great post as usual

is the Turkish toilet in the shit closet?

Mike N said...

HAHA this is what i come to this blog for. hipster bashing at its finest.

i doubt the veracity of the last ad. The Portuguese are renowned for their endurance and robust constitution, which is why they make excellent fishermen.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

You slay me. I thought I had left west Paupuan penis gourds behind after finishing a degree in Anthropology. I am not so lucky you have to draw me back.

Gaahl og Gorgoroth said...

Dammit! You drafted on my and then took the sprint!

You're the Dean to my Hushovd...

morgan@hahaha.org said...

OMG, brilliant.

BSNYC, you have a gift.

Morgan

Tony Starks said...

you haven't lost it mr.bikesnob

Mario Bruzzone said...

Pecorino Romano is Roman, not Sardinian, but is that the point?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mario,

According to Wikipedia, "Pecorino Romano was produced in Latium up to 1884 when, due to the prohibition issued by the city council of salting the cheese inside their shops in Rome, many producers moved to the island of Sardinia."

Ah yes, Rome and it's draconian in-store cheese-salting laws...

--BSNYC

bikesgonewild said...

...so much love & knowledge...

...it's why i can't quit you, babe...

agentdetroit said...

anon 1:32

http://www.generationzero.com/bike/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=725&PN=1&get=last

wine soaked lips said...

I'm hating people in general today so I'm writing with a request - make tomorrow's post extra harsh, bitter and hate-filled.

quaffimodo said...

Is the Papuan penis gourd the new crotchal wedge?

Anonymous said...

...bikesgonewild?...
...is that really you?...
...knew you couldn't stay away...
...with leroy taking over as top poster...
...glad you're back!...

yonk said...

Dearest Snob,

That is some damn fine writing.

I thank you, sir.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 2:38pm...shhhhh...i flatted just after the feed zone & my team car had trouble getting me a wheel quickly...

...just tryin' ta slip quietly into the back of the group before the next kom...hard to do in this rock racing kit...

lactose intolerant smartypants said...

vacuumrunamok-

Most cheese is actually pretty low in lactose, especially hard varieties. In addition, Sheep's milk is pretty low in lactose - most people that are lactose intolerant can consume sheep's and goat's milk products without concern.

Commiecanuk said...

I don't want to brag, but I'm sipping my mojito out of my penis gourd.

Cornelius Fiddlebone said...

"Is the Papuan penis gourd the new crotchal wedge?"

no, it is the new merkin

McLovin said...

Most cheese is actually pretty low in lactose, especially hard varieties. In addition, Sheep's milk is pretty low in lactose - most people that are lactose intolerant can consume sheep's and goat's milk products without concern.

This is exactly why I read the comments.

Anonymous said...

Because of their renowned endurance and robust constitutions, the Portugese make excellent Sherpas. Wait, that can't be right, can it?

Anonymous said...

Don't tell me that we are now starting a new lacto-dex.

Denver 80220 said...

...Oh yeah, I was on my SWEDISH MILITARY BIKE...just so you don't confuse me with some OTHER jackass carting around a tank of propane on a bike...

Smitty said...

BSNYC:

How can I get a Papuan penis gourd? And when I get it, can I get a top tube pad for it? Also, I really wanna learn how to skid on my fixie, but I'm not sure if my gourd will help or hinder...any suggestions?

Gordy

Anonymous said...

Not to harsh anyone's buzz, but I thought the first "missed connection" was kinda sweet. I hope the spaced-out girl get's her second chance.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Smitty,

A penis gourd in the spokes is a great way to lock your wheel for a skid.

--BSNYC

broomie said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swedish_military_bicycle

please don't ask why I care.

BGW welcome back

uncircumsized smartypants said...

Actually, Papuan penis guords have less internal membrane structure than other styles of gourd intended for peni, so those of us with our foreskins intact are generally able to don them without discomfort.

alex Trebek said...

Actually, Papuan penis guords have less internal membrane structure than other styles of gourd intended for peni, so those of us with our foreskins intact are generally able to don them without discomfort.

This is exactly why I read the comments.

svensk smartypants said...

Faktisk er den Meste Svenske hærsykler temmelig verdiløs, som lager dem g for de av oss som er skitt fattig og behov til å flytte en tank av Propan.

(A møøse once bit my sister.)

Joshua said...

Clarification Question:

Am I still contrived and pretentious if I brew my coffee in a penis gourd?

Because I don't do it for the affect, I do it for the flavor!!!

Frederick said...

"When is it appropriate to substitute a Cone of Smugness for a Papuan penis gourd?"


I do believe that _after_ Memorial Day it is acceptable to don one's penis gourd.

Though everyone with class will know to not carry on with such warm weather accessories past Labor Day. That's when its time to break the cone of smugness out of the cedar closet.

(I here that this season, orange is 'the new black')

Frederick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Commiecanuk said...

Faktisk er den Meste Svenske hærsykler temmelig verdiløs, som lager dem g for de av oss som er skitt fattig og behov til å flytte en tank av Propan.

Page 34 of the IKEA catalog. Entire contents of a garage storage system and meatball organizer.

erik k said...

bgw... returns, like cipo coming out of retirement but somehow cooler and more anticipated

&

american military bikes even though they fold, they some just don't seem as cool as the Swedish ones

morgan said...

Bikesgonewild! Glad to see you're still around! Now, where the heck is Prolly? I haven't seen him around in a coupla.

Also glad to see there's another Morgan in the reading list.

I'm hoping to see a quiz tomorrow BS.

Jim said...

Ah yes, Rome and it's draconian in-store cheese-salting laws...

That's nothing. The EU with it's arcane food labeling laws forced the cheesemakers of Parma - as in "Parmesan" to go to court to win the right to label Parmesan cheese "Parmesan." After making Parmesan for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, Brussels only conceded the point to them this week or last. That's only half the absurdity. The other half is that the people who now sell Parmesan - I'm lookin' at you, Kraft - will probably be subject to an enforcement action pretty soon, brought by the good cheesemakers of Parma. So Euro consumers will soon be able to look forward to sprinkling Ground Semi-Sharp Tangy Hard Cheese Product on their spaghetti, since there's no way in hell that Parma can meet all the demand for its cheese.

Man, I wish I just made that crap up, but unfortunately it's true.

cycles55447 said...

denver 80220, I salute you.

Anonymous said...

cheese, cheese, and more cheese, what a freaking topic and I still laughed my ass off. But really it is not about the cheese

hillary said...

ouch, i'm laffing so hard my penis gourd broke into shards

Anonymous said...

Alex Trebek:
Wasn't that the final jeopardy question a few weeks ago?

Sprocketboy said...

I loves the Internets! You can buy anything on-line, if you look around enough. Always get your gourd from the source, to ensure that springiness we all like.

Penis Sheath Gourds From New Guinea:

David Wissink
Manager External Affairs & Sustainable Development
Highlands Kainantu Limited
Private Mail Bag, Lae, Morobe Province 411
Papua New Guinea
E-Mail: dbwk92@hotmail.com
Phone: (675) 474-3091 Ext. 105
FAX: (675) 474-3088

There are some nice decorative flourishes on these gourds. They could indeed be finished to make a fetching top tube protector:

http://waynesword.palomar.edu/ww0503.htm#penis

Marios Mother said...

Signour Snooby, Mario is a very upset that youa da mention his name alongsides dat trashy jounal , a la CraigyList. Mario is soo upset dat he not come out of his room. His is so populares with da chickie bambinos dat they have to take a number at the font door turnstile and waits to be called. Marios just snap his fingers and shimmie his very firmz buutoks and senotitas swoon and drop to dere knees to give thanks. Marios does wonder about West Papuan penis gourds because his beast, Little ( urrh not) Mario likes to run unfettered with da fillies if youa know watz I mean, and gourd dat big would just scare some

Anonymous said...

Eric K:
All I saw on the page you steered us to was rims, tires and disc brakes.
Oh, wait -- there's the frame. It was camouflaged!
By the way, I can still podium in this:
Douchebag!

Cool The Kid said...

I'm having a Brooks Leather Bar Tape S&M party soon, you guys are all welcome to come. It's in honor of BSNY's bar tape love metaphor, excellence...

Bike crash on Ludlow and Rivington... too hip to quit. I am with it...

Anonymous said...

Marios Mother:
Your schtick is getting tired and you are careening into BobCat Goldthwait/Micheal Winslow/Gilbert Gottfried territory: Funny at first,annoying the second time, and insufferable for any duration. I want to make it clear that I am not knocking Shakes the Clown era Goldhwaith, which of course is gold.

mr.complaint said...

Hey! If the sheriff's daughter has a Swiss army knife, she'd be the sheriff's son!

CL missed connections is more like missing connections.

agentdetroit - Are they going to do laps around the crying donut to the fist and back?

leroy said...

Anon 6:19 PM --

Sir, that is Mario's mother to whom you are talking.

Good Lord, have you no respect for motherhood?

bikewhorder said...

Ebay your source for used penis gourds: http://search.ebay.com/search/search.dll?from=R40&_trksid=m37&satitle=penis+gourd&category0=

And I thought bsnyc was just making this stuff up!

littlemario said...

Stop!! I'm laughing so hard it's tearing my stitches!

Anonymous said...

Frédéric Moncassin

Anonymous said...

mario rocks. we are children kicking marbles in his wake, on our best day.

Anonymous said...

anno 6:19

i totally disagree. mario's mom was never, ever funny. the grating "accent", the overbearing mom/slightly sexual angle, in fact the whole premise was at best drop dead yawn producing. now it is just tired a soooo....(royalties via paypal to bgw) tired. almost like the chafing of one's papaun penis gourd (PPG) when used without PPG anti-chafing cream. starts out as a little raw spot but is now an infected puss-filled spot. the only thing that can help is PPG triple ointment anti-bacterial cream.

and its trabek i believe.

Anonymous said...

Bike Love San Francisco Style

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/mis/589028863.html

Anonymous said...

I went for a ride today wearing nothing but my penis protector, however 30 mph gusting winds freed my gourd and sent it sailing into the sky like a kite.

Three women immeadately (sp) wrecked and two followed me home so there is a happy ending to my story.

Liquid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andy Pandy said...

Nice to see raw vitriol returning to the podium . Welcome return to form for the anons

seventythree said...

nothing to say
but
please stop
BSNYC.

it was fun
you made your
comments
observations
and copy and pasted and linked up
like a fiend.

time to stop

Anonymous said...

andy,

speaking for myself i'd just like to say that i'm hurt, bitter, and resentful. that being said i still think the first chick in the craigslist ad might me hitable if not stupid.

thanks snob for confirming all that is wrong in this world with a keen eye for detail and humour.

i'm going back to my shit closet with my PPG and then wipe my ass with some of upperclass' posts.

Josh said...

Hilarious. I should really not be reading this while I've got a respiratory tract infection. I'm going to pour myself another shot of lidocaine now.

joe said...

wtf

Gaahl said...

Svensk Smarty Pants...

That's the worst attempt at Swedish I've ever seen. Babelfish?

Älgen kan ha bitit din syrra, men jag knullade din morsa, hej då kuken!

sarcastic smartypants said...

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

Commiecanuk said...

Gaahl said...
Älgen kan ha bitit din syrra, men jag knullade din morsa, hej då kuken!


Page 36 IKEA catalog: combination bookcase, recycling centre and Swedish porn DVD organizer.

Mario's mom: I have to agree, it has gotten old.

Stephen said...

great post bsnyc

Dan said...

gaahl said:
Älgen kan ha bitit din syrra, men jag knullade din morsa, hej då kuken!


That's the worst attempt at Swedish I've ever seen. Retard?

Bring on the llamas!

Gregoire said...

oh yes this was funny shit!

leroy said...

Ja, Moose bytes kan be pretty nasti.

And now for something completely different.

100th post.

captian obvious smartypants said...

Except that that was the 101st.

agentdetroit said...

mr. complaint

i believe you're confusing the quantum leap alleycat with cool the kid's brooks leather bar tape s&m party

mcbstrd said...

"Brakeless fixed-gear related injuries are to the early 21st century what LSD freakouts were to the 60s, flared trouser-related slip-and-falls were to the 70s, Walkman-related tinnitus was to the 80s, and mosh pit-related tooth loss was to the 90s."

brilliant!

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