Friday BSNYC Pleasure Examination!

(via "Cycle Jerk")

If you follow either the BMX or fixed-gear freestyle scene, or you're a reader of blogs such as Prolly's, then in addition to having a vast sneaker collection you may be aware of a controversial post on BMX site "The Come Up" consisting of a dialogue between two BMX riders in which they discuss their hatred of "fixies" and specifically the "gheys" who do tricks on them. Naturally, this post has sent shockwaves through the flat brim cap-wearing world, and at this point the prospects of a giant BMX/Fixie "collabo" seems more distant than ever. If you're a concerned outsider like I am and you want to stay abreast of this important issue, yet you don't want to take the time to actually read about it, you can instead watch edited highlights from the anti-fixie dialogue in this dramatic re-enactment here:



Meanwhile, as if this weren't disturbing enough, a number of readers have informed me that in Philadelphia a political movement is awheel that would require cyclists to register their bicycles and obtain license plates for them. If you're a Philadelphian who's worried that a bicycle license plate will spoil the clean lines of your "fixie" or add unwanted grams to your crabon fiber dream bike, I urge you not to panic. Mandatory bicycle registration comes up in up in New York City periodically too, and while there is always a group of people who thinks it's a good idea, ultimately it never goes anywhere. In this sense, it's sort of like disc brakes on cyclocross bikes. And even if they do manage to pass it in Philadelphia, it will at least provide the opportunity for vanity plates, such as this one mocked up by a reader:
Sure, actually going brakeless might earn you a $1,000 fine, but that doesn't mean you can't have a brakeless license plate.

Finally, Jack Thurston of "The Bike Show" in London informs me that foppish Garmin-Slipstream director Jonathan Vaughters is now using his Twitter to agonize over the grammatical construction of his "Tweets:"

While Thurston points out that the original "is" is likely more correct, to me the glaring error is the final "ARE!!!" Clearly, Vaughters is trying to evoke the exclamation of a disconcerted pirate, and a more appropriate spelling would have been "Arrrgh!" In any case, fussing over the grammar of a "Tweet" is like truing the wheels of your Huffy to within a fraction of a millimeter, and I would advise Vaughters not to worry about it. I'd also advise him not to spend his free time sitting around reading his own Twitter, which is a highly depraved form of social media masturbation.

I am now pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a Hawaiian bike messenger gettin' it done with some jazz flute accompaniment.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if you're in Philadelphia be sure your bicycle vanity plate matches your knuckle tattoos.

--BSNYC/RTMS

(Image by CommieCanuck)

1) According to his supporters, in France Greg LeMond is:

--A "folk hero"

--A "god"

--A "rock star"

--Bernard Hinault's addled co-host on the popular "Fou en le Matin" morning program

2) The "hipster" equivalent of the dropout safety tab is the:

--Derailleur

--Bottle opener

--Wine cork bar end plug

--Brooks saddle

"Some riders are clearly adepts, like the ones riding fixies — fixed, single-gear bikes. There goes one now — zooming past on yellow-walled tires, riding fully upright, texting with both hands on his iPhone as he goes."

3) Not everyone hates "fixies." Where did this lyrical scene take place?

--The campus of Stanford University

--The Google corporate campus

--Downtown Portland

--The first annual "Hipster Douche-In," a '60s-inspired "happening" in McCarren Park, Brooklyn

4) There is only one Lone Wolf.

--True

--False

5) Recumbent riders don't have tattoos.

--True

--False

6) Jared Leto's cycling experience is not only limited to video shoots and "tarck" bikes with freewheels. He also has experience:

--Riding hybrids

--Kneeling before hybrids

--Locking hybrids by just the front wheel

--All of the above

7) What is an "interrobang?"

--The hand gesture Alberto Contador makes after answering a question correctly

--The hand gesture Alberto Contador makes after asking someone else a question

--A combination question mark/exclamation point

--The technical term for asking your partner rhetorical questions during sex

***Special Over-The-Top-eBay-Themed Bonus Question***

Fyxomatosis.

--Oh no he didn't.
--Oh yes he did.

Coming Apart at the Hems: Excessive Panting

Even though I throw together (I tend to "throw things together" instead of "curate" them) a cycling-themed blog, very few companies take the time to notify me of their new products. Still, once in awhile somebody does take the time to copy me on a press release, and for one glorious moment I feel special and legitimate because I know I'm reading something only a select few people are important enough to receive. For example, I recently learned of a "miracle increasing solution" that will "make your pecker glorious." I also just found out about a "CUSTOM KEYCHAIN FOR FIXED RIDERS :-)" that can be "customised as you like:"

This keychain comes all the way from Lyon, which is in France--a country in which Greg LeMond is a "rock star" and the roadies consume pâté like it's Gu. Not only does this fixed-gear-specific keychain allow you to express your derision for precipitation, but it also allows you to share your gear ratio with other riders:

This is actually something that could come in handy, since each group of cyclists has its own customary salutation, and for fixed-gear and singlespeed riders that salutation is "What gear are you running?" This way, you can just point to your keychain instead of squandering costly syllables. Incidentally, other common cycling salutations include:

"What pressure are you running?" (Cyclocross)

[Scowl and avoid eye contact] (Road riding)

"Where did you buy your mankini?" (Triathlon)

Unfortunately for cyclocrossers, roadies, and triathletes, none of these greetings are available. Then again, cyclocrossers, roadies, and triathletes don't carry their keys on the outside like fixed-gear riders do. Instead, they simply leave them in their race bags, or they keep them in their jersey pockets, or they secret them in an orifice so as not to spoil the lines of their skinsuits. (This partially explains the scowling and avoiding eye contact.) Consequently, any message emblazoned on a keychain would remain unseen. In any case, besides sharing your feelings about rain and your gear ratio, you can also broadcast the following:

Apparently in France, fixed-gear riders like to have sex with cars, which is something they share in common with American tourists:

Yes, the "myth" of the "ugly American" is not a myth at all; we really do travel to Europe and hump police cars.

Just keep in mind that if you do buy one of these keychains and you want people to actually read the message on it, you should make sure it does not get lost among the vibrant print of your pants, the enormous logo on the waistband of your underpants, and the inviting shape and positioning of your posterior:

Actually, given the fact that fixed-gear riders almost always expose their underpants while riding, this company probably would have been better off selling customized elastic waistbands. That way, "hipsters" could coordinate their underwear with their gear ratios, which would not only be clever, but would also provide for ready-made excuses at alleycats. ("I'd ride faster, but my bigger gear is in the wash.") As it is, the model is wearing a pair of "Insane" underpants. I had never heard of Insane underpants, though I found their website using a popular search engine and they are active in cycling sponsorship:

("All You Haters Supplement My Income")

By the way, I'm not sure "Insane" is a great name for a brand of underpants. I can understand trying to be playfully seductive, but implying that what's going on in the wearer's crotchal region is downright "Insane" just seems off-putting. If you go home with someone whose genitals are "insane" you can probably expect to find dreadlocked pubic hair, an inordinate amount of piercings, and at least one STD. Getting to "third base" with someone who has an insane genitalway could be like sticking your hand into a sweatsock full of broken glass. These underpants are a warning, not an invitation. Then again, that may be some people's idea of "Physical Culture:"

I was disappointed to see that the Times omitted Insane from the test, though I guess it's possible Insane don't do seamless. (They probably do crotchless, but the Times would doubtless shy away from that kind of testing.) I was also disappointed to find that, in the recent bicycling pants gear test (forwarded to me by a reader), there was not one pair that featured a pink zebra print:


Yes, more and more companies are making bicycle-specific casual pants, and here is the "origin story" of this hot retail segment:

UNTIL recently, any pants could be considered biking pants: all you had to do was roll up the cuffs or wrap some Velcro bands around your calves. But for people who commute by bicycle, those were not ideal solutions. Spending too long on a bike in regular trousers can wear out the seat of the pants. The rear pockets may rip from too many miles carrying a U-lock and the cuffs may get scarred with grease or shredded from encounters with the chain.

I have nothing against bicycle pants, though I do worry that their proliferation indicates that the lines of defense are retreating from the bike to the body. Why is the fact a U-lock can rip your pockets a reason to buy a new wardrobe? Why not just keep the lock in your bag or carry it on your bike? If you're having a problem with greasy and shredded cuffs, why not install a chainguard of some kind? If your pants are getting filthy from road spray, why not just use fenders? If the seat of your pants is wearing out, why use a saddle with a worn leather cover, or with rivets, or with embroidery?

Of course, the answer to all of these things is obvious--"vintage" racing saddles are cool, and U-lock brackets, chainguards, and fenders are not. It's much cooler apparently to migrate everything to your body by using special clothes and various holsters so people think you've come to read the meter until they notice the little logos which show that your work clothes have an extra zero on the price tag. The other thing to consider is that you only need to purchase one set of commuter accessories for your bike, but even the most dedicated schlub (and I consider myself a dedicated schlub) can't wear the same pants every single day. It's much more cost-effective to set up one commuting-specific bike than it is to purchase a week's worth of new commuting-specific clothing.

That said, as a schlub, I don't "curate" my cycling wardrobe; instead, I "throw it together," and as such I'm probably not qualified to comment on bicycling pants. If they work well and you like the way they look, by all means throw a pair of bicycling pants over your seamless and/or crotchless Insane underwear. You might find yourself so exuberantly comfortable that you totally slay a backwards wheelie, as you can see in this new video which has sent the entire fixed-gear freestyle world into a collective flat-brimmed tizzy:

Joel Weston from MACAFRAMA on Vimeo.

Apparently this is some kind of breakthrough, but to me something boring is no more interesting when it's performed in reverse. I know this to be true because I tried. As a test, I actually listened to that 30 Seconds to Mars song backwards, but it still sucked--though I did discover subliminal messages that alternately implored me to conform and to add the movie "Prefontaine" to my Netflix queue.

If the fixed-gear freestyle community is wondering what to name this trick, I would suggest calling it the "Hem," which, like this wheelie, is simply "Meh" backwards.

Contingency Plans: Fresh Rolls, Pit Dogs, Wet Feet, and Spare Wheels

Yesterday, I complained about the cycling world's obsession with the opening and consumption of beer. To illustrate this, I posted a video from Portland Design Works, which gratuitously shows that their "3wrencho" combination wrench and tire lever has "vital" bottle-opening capabilities. I then went on to express mock confusion concerning the fact that cyclists aren't similarly enthusiastic about other easily-obtained goods such as toilet paper. Well, not only have PDW heard my cry, but they've gone also so far to edit the "3wrencho" video accordingly:

3wrencho- marcal edit from PDW on Vimeo.

I was amazed and delighted to learn that, in addition to flat repair and bottle opening, you can also use the 3wrencho to proffer a roll of Marcal:

It's truly a testament to the ingenuity of the engineers at PDW that they had the foresight to design that functionality into the tool. Really, I have only one minor quibble, which is that the new toilet paper scenario shown in the video is rather implausible. If one were sitting on the toilet while perusing the artwork of Mike Giant only to find oneself out of toilet paper, one would not sit there shouting helplessly until a friend came to one's aid with a roll of Marcal and a 3wrencho; instead, one would simply do the logical thing and clean up after oneself using the Mike Giant art. I've found myself in a similar predicament many times while reading The New Yorker, and in each instance I was tremendously grateful for the work of Sasha Frere-Jones. I won't go into too much detail, but I will say that while Frere-Jones's writing may not be that engrossing from a literary standpoint, it is tremendously absorbing when it comes to personal hygiene. Sure, it's kinda scratchy, but that's nowhere near as irritating as actually trying to read it.

Ultimately, though, the "Oh drat!"-clenching-of-the-empty-toilet-paper-roll moment alone more than made up for this inaccuracy, and I only hope PDW continues to incorporate practical non-cycling applications into their bike tools. Bottle openers may be "cool," but if they want to give "hipsters" something they actually need instead of something cool then they should think about equipping future products with a built-in lice comb.

Speaking of Portlanders and ingenuity, their creativity is in no way limited to multitools. Proving once again that they are far more advanced than the rest of the country when it comes to anything involving cycling, they are now augmenting their cyclocross with actual dog racing:

This is great news for Portlanders and their dirty, hairy, smelly sidekicks (as well as for their dogs), though it's awful news for the rest of us. Portland cyclocross racers are already smug enough about how much muddier their races are than everyone else's; now on top of that they're going to start feeling superior to people who aren't forced to race through post-dog race waste. Soon struggling though knee-deep mud won't be enough to qualify a 'cross race as "epic;" you'll also need to face-plant into the feces of a Great Dane. (Yes, there's a "clydesdale" category.) Worst of all, though:

There’s even a special category for “carry-on and lap dogs” where owner must carry their dogs along the entire course.

This should mean every cyclocross-related forum on the Internet is going to be hijacked by "epic" threads about the proper technique for "portaging" a Yorkie. (Not to mention all the stupid accessories that are sure to follow.) The only real winner here is the pet industry, since dog ownership in Portland will surely double when everyone rushes to acquire a spare "pit dog." (Pit bulls, incidentally, make excellent pit dogs.)

Meanwhile, here in the World of Reality, in a neighborhood called New York City, we also have what aspires to be "bike culture," only it's a bit more quaint. For example, just last night was that "Biking Rules" PSA Film Festival at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. Even though I was a juror in the PSA contest, I was "unable" to attend this gala, though I did ride by the building on the way back from my flimsy excuse. Presumably the building was filled with bike nerds, which would explain why it is radiating smugness:


Here are some of the bike nerds' "whips." Just try entering the rarefied world of bicycle advocacy without a leather saddle, swept-back handlebars, Wald baskets, fenders, and spoke cards and you are sure to wither beneath the raised nose of Lady Smugness:

I don't see any generator lights, though it could be that they're just waiting for Planet Bike to release a set that is powered by the rider's self-righteousness. I also don't know which PSA won, though I'm looking forward to finding out. Hopefully they gave David Byrne an honorary award for singlehandedly inventing the concept of riding a bicycle in New York City. (It's true--I saw in the Times.) Between Byrne and that guy who "independently" invented the mountain bike New York is truly a city of cycling pioneers.

Actually, I did consider attending the PSA festival, but I got cold feet. "Cold feet" is a condition that makes you apprehensive about doing something, as opposed to "wet feet," which is a condition that can make it highly dangerous to ride an R-Sys:

Mavic R-SYS Premium Clinchers - $1000 (Financial District)
Date: 2009-11-18, 12:33AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Brand New, put wheels and cassette on them, never been ridden, pretty much just been wheeled into and out of R&A. Shimano/Sram. Stupid light for alloy clincher. Have the skewers and the padded bags for them. Don't want to ride them cause I got wet feet and think I am a little to big for them (185 lbs). Currently have Pro Race 3's on them and would consider leaving them on if you don't dicker with the price too much, I paid through the nose for these....

Actually, riding an R-Sys under any circumstances can be dangerous, but if your feet are wet it's tantamount to suicide, so the poster is wise to sell. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this explained what happened to Ben Delaney of VeloNews. The Mavic R-Sys literature clearly warns users that using them with wet feet can lead to catastrophic failure. (This should be of particular concern to triathletes.) I wonder if the Mavic Engineering Team checked to see if Delaney's socks were still damp.

Meanwhile, if you find yourself forced to palp your R-Syses (R-Si?) with wet feet, I would at least recommend carrying a spare set of wheels. While this may seem excessive, more and more New Yorkers are doing so. (It's possible that, due to the increasing popularity of cyclocross among "hipsters," "pit wheels" are the new top tube pad.) Just make sure that if you do carry spare wheels you don't accidentally leave them behind:

LOST/STOLEN: Mavic Ksyrium SLs - $100 (East Village)
Date: 2009-11-15, 7:53PM EST
Reply to: [delete]

I accidentally spaced tonite and unlocked my spare wheels and walked with my bike a block and a half away before realizing I left my wheels in front of Lula's Sweet Apothecary on 6th between Ave A & Ave B.
They are the '06 SLs, have Continental Touring tires on them, and are shimano-splined. They aren't the best wheels anymore, but they have sentimental value so if any kind soul has found them and is willing to return them I would reward them.
Thank you.

Here's another New York City rider who opts to travel with at least one spare wheel:

Some people choose to ride with only the two wheels on their bike and a spare tube, and others choose to bank on the durability of the tube and prepare themselves for wheel failure instead. It's definitely a "worst case scenario" approach, but I suppose it's not entirely without merit.

But not everybody in New York City is risk-averse. There's still some "edge" to be found here, as you can see from this potentially dangerous bike:

Not only is it equipped with wooden bars with integrated "grips:"


But it's also got a potentially crotch-savaging homemade leather saddle that would make Eric "The Chamferer" Murray chamfer out his own eyeballs in horror:

There's also this sweet Cleveland "theme bike" in the purple and black cityway:

It's 100% wet feet compatible. You can even ride it in flippers.

Sexy Beast: Everyone's a Rock Star

As you may know, three-time Tour de France winner, LeWedge magnate, and luxurious log home owner (I saw it on the Travel Channel) Greg LeMond is currently encasseroled (I prefer "encassaroled" to "embroiled") in a lawsuit with The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company, makers of fine Tour de France-winning crabon fribé bicycles. Recently, this legal casserole received an infusion of Hamburger Helper when the two sides appeared before a U.S. District Court. Interestingly, of all papers the New York Daily News has decided to report on the trial in depth, which is sort of like the drunk guy at the party suddenly attempting to speak lucidly on the subject of global warming and almost making a reasonable go of it apart from the fact that he's wearing his pants on his head.

At any rate, LeMond says Trek sabotaged his bike brand when he started criticizing Lance Armstrong, and Trek says LeMond sabotaged his own brand when he started criticizing Lance Armstrong. While I'm not particularly interested in pointing fingerbangs at either side, I do think in at least one sense LeMond may be entering territory which is not exactly country for old men. As the Daily News reports, an integral part of LeMond's argument is the poor sales of his bikes in France--despite the fact that supporters claim he enjoys "rock star" status there:


In fact, they say it again here:

Now, LeMond may be able to rip a bong like an impatient ten year-old rips open a Hanukkah present, but even his supporters should realize that calling him a "rock star" can only damage his credibility. Traditionally, calling someone a "rock star" implies that someone is as reckless as he is famous, and that he can do whatever he wants without paying heed to either decency or the law, since he simply deflects any consequences by employing a combination of money and charisma. If anything, that's what LeMond is trying to say Lance Armstrong is doing, so calling LeMond a rock star essentially obviates his argument. On the other hand, though, it's true that the expression "rock star" has been devalued in recent years in the same way that the word "epic" has been, to the point that you'll now regularly hear things like, "Dude, you can floss your teeth one-handed? That's epic. You're a total rock star." So in that sense, while it may not contradict LeMond's argument, it does render it meaningless. (A guy who can floss his teeth with only one hand really shouldn't expect to rack up more than $10,383 in French sales over a six-year period.) Finally, what constitutes a "rock star" differs drastically from country to country. I entered the term "French rock star" into a popular search engine and the first things I found were a guy who beat his girlfriend to death, and also this, which is nearly as bad. I should also point out that Greg LeMond's name never came up.

Still, everyone wants to be "rock star" in one way or another, especially so-called "hipsters." Actually, the essence of the "hipster" lifestyle is doing everything that real rock stars do except for actually being creative and having talent. Sleeping in, dressing up, getting sleeve tattoos, drinking heavily, doing drugs, making videos, and keeping your followers abreast of the minutiae of your day are all a lot easier when you don't actually have to produce anything. This is not to say it's completely effortless, though. Maintaining your image can be a full-time job, as can staying abreast of the trends, which you can see in this video which was forwarded to me by a reader:

While the above is only a dramatic reenactment, there is little doubt that cyclocross has entered the consciousness of the trendy cyclist. Really, any form of cycling of which there are pictures from the 1970s containing people in hairnets, wool jerseys, and sideburns is going to capture the trendy imagination. ("Hipsters" don't like mountain bikes because the discipline was not yet fully formed aesthetically in the '70s.) Right now we're in the phase where most "hipsters" will state their intention to try cyclocross, but won't actually do it, preferring instead to incorporate the word into existing forms of "hipster" cycling (such as in this "urban fixlocross" race, whatever the hell that means) or else to simply look at the bikes and pretend to understand them, just as they did with the word "track" five years ago. We're also on the cusp of the next phase, which is the "add a 'cross bike to your stable phase." The "hipster" cross bike slots in neatly between the track bike and the vintage road bike, and it's also completely tarred and feathered in a way that only a "hipster" can manage. Then, it's immediately put up for sale at a ridiculously high price, as you can see from this post which was forwarded to me by another reader:


52" '09 Bianchi Jose overhauled *new everything* - $1150 (Murray Hill)
Date: 2009-11-14, 7:19PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

2009 bianchi san jose 52" complately overhauled, rides like butter. currently set as a fixie, with pedal cages and straps, but has a flip/flop rear hub and shimano freewheel currently detatched from bike. i have removed the front brake, but can easily be replaced. this bike is lighter than shit!!
upgrades include:
octogon 8 pedals, octogon 8 crank set, slightly chopped riser bars w custom grips, matching blue track tires, top bar camo pad, extremely light wieght comfortable bontrager inform RL saddle, kmc chain, front and rear easily removable frog lights (white/red) electric bell. also includes a free helmet assuming it fits you....

this bike is a joy to ride and the perfect light weight vehicle for navigating the mean streets of manhattan, brooklyn and beyond.

this will go fast so email me sooner than later..

M

There are few sadder sights on a bicycle than a pair of unused canti studs. Really, this person did to this bike what Mel Gibson did to Jesus in "The Passion of the Christ." I am "feeling" the "Octogon 8" pedals and crank, though. It's not as good as the "Nonagon 9" stuff, but it's a significant upgrade from that "Heptagon 7" crap.

Another sign of "hipster" cyclocross curiosity is increasing mention of it on sites like Trackosaurus and Prolly's blog. Speaking of the latter, I recently learned about this revolutionary new product there:

3wrencho from PDW on Vimeo.

Naturally, after they show that you can remove both an axle nut and a tire with this tool, they also show you that you can use it to open a beer:

Like any moody and insecure person, I enjoy consuming alcoholic beverages to assuage my angst, facilitate my social interaction, and enter into a pleasant state of intoxication. Even so, I'm not sure why cyclists--in particular "hipsters" and cyclocross racers--get so wildly excited about beer. "Team Beer;" beer hand-ups; beer hand-downs; PBR; references to PBR; waxing poetic about "craft ales;" incessant Belgian beer references; and so on. The way people act you'd think beer was something that was around only a few days a year, like cherry blossoms, as opposed to something you can buy and consume whenever you feel like it. (Sure, I suppose some fixed-gear riders are underage, but most of the people getting carried away about beer are like 35.) Again, I like beer, but I like toilet paper too--in fact, you often buy it in the same place you buy beer, and like beer you feel good after you use it--but you don't see people whooping about it and handing rolls of Marcal (the PBR of toilet paper) to people on run-ups.

The result, of course, is that every little novelty cycling accessory has to somehow incorporate a bottle opener--even though finding a way to open a beer is only slightly more difficult than obtaining one. The Surly Jethro Tool; the Pedro's Trixie; those Swobo saddles. At this point bottle openers are the "hipster" equivalent of "lawyer lips;" you're simply not legally allowed to sell a "hipster" cycling product without one. I can't help wondering if somewhere a straight-edge "hipster" is removing his with a file. Hopefully, at some point some enterprising company will finally buck the trend. I'm waiting for a multi-tool that includes a nail clipper.

In the meantime, new companies continue to form expressly to take hipsters' money the old fashioned way: by selling them candy-colored bikes without derailleurs. The latest is "Sexy Bicycles," of whom I learned from a number of readers lately, and who sell the usual array of cheap color-coordinated bikes:

Not only is "Sexy Bicycles" incapable of spelling their own model names properly on their limited-edition plaques:

But they also know nothing about cycling or bicycles at all:


Single speed cycling is not for all conditions. You wouldn’t want to be climbing Alp Duez with no gears although that being said pre 1900 the Tour De France was ridden on single speed bicycles (There was no such thing as gears ) so it is not impossible, you just have to put a bit more in.

Actually, gears have been around for a few thousand years, but the first Tour de France took place in 1903. As for Alp Duez, I think he may have been president of Egypt after Anwar El Sadat was assassinated; either that, or he once played bouzouki with the great Nobr Akes.

I guess this is just more gender bias in cycling, since clearly the people at "Sexy Bicycles" equate "sexy" with "stupid."

Handy Dandy: The "Need" for Tweed

(AYHSMB saddle by Matt)

When it comes to addressing cycling discomfort, there are two kinds of riders: the kind who take some time to figure out the cause of the problem and to make adjustments and modifications; and the kind who simply spend a bunch of money to purchase a "vibration-damping" crabon replacement. As often as possible, I try to take the former approach, both because I don't have the resources to try out components like they're cheese samples at Whole Foods, and because I think it's fundamentally more sound. More importantly, I think it can be a useful way to approach life in general. Whether it's a job, a home, or even a relationship, sometimes it's better to at least try understand why something isn't working before abandoning it and moving on to another one. Why pay for crabon handlebars when some new bar tape may solve the problem? Why leave your spouse or life partner when all you may need is "Pure Romance by Sochy?" As the old saying goes, "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater"--unless of course that baby is a Felt Curbside, in which case no amount of bathwater is sufficient.

For this reason, even though it made me sicker than anything I've seen so far this year (and I was at the SSWC, so that's saying a lot), I've been trying to make some sense of my feelings towards that Jared Leto video in the hopes that the process will somehow be edifying. After all, I'm just a bike blogger, and as such I'm really not qualified to pass judgment on people's musical endeavors. The music press, on the other hand, seems to love it. In fact, "Billboard" says that, "Grounded by Leto's convincing vocals, 'Kings and Queens' is epic rock at its most affecting:"

Clearly, I don't understand music very well. What I had thought was "bombastic" is actually "stately;" what struck me as "smarmy" is actually "convincing;" what had seemed "schmaltz" is actually "epic;" and what appeared "affected" is actually "affecting." It's no wonder then that the music business is in such a shambles--people like me simply don't know great music when we hear it. This is not just industry hype, either. Take this comment on the video written by someone named "Johanna:"

omg... I don't know why, but I had tears in my eyes while watching this... It is so amazing­ly beautiful. The song is just so amazing, and now with the video it's beyond perfect. It fits together so well. And the feelings that this video builds inside me are indescribable...<3

Apart from her use of emoticons, Johanna and I actually have a lot in common. I too had tears in my eyes while watching this, and I also experienced powerful and ineffable feelings. The difference, of course, is that while Johanna's brain interprets this as beauty, mine interprets it as disgust. Is this not then indicative of the different manner in which each one of us reacts to the same stimuli? In turn, do these different reactions--yours, and mine, and Johanna's, and "Billboard's" and indeed everybody's--not then resolve themselves into a vast and beautiful tapestry that embodies the exuberant variety of the human experience? And does this tapestry not in turn represent the true meaning of the word "culture"--the eternal act of creation and consumption and recreation, which stands as an eternal testament to the transcendent joy of human expression?

Of course not--Johanna just wants to have sex with Jared Leto. If he had released a film of himself on the toilet after eating an "epic burrito" her comment would have been exactly the same. (I, on the other hand, probably would have viewed the video more favorably.)

At this point then I was confident that I could finally get rid of Jared Leto. (It's fine to discard a component and replace it, so long as you've done your due diligence.) But with whom would I replace him? Which artist would fill cycling-themed musical void in my soul? After much searching, I finally decided to go with Fossil Fool, the "bike rapper." Here he is performing live with a guy in a panda suit:



I'm really "feeling" his reggae-infused soundway, though that panda looks hungry so I'd be wary of rolling up to a Fossil Fool show on my bamboo Calfee. I'd also hesitate before stepping to the rest of his "posse"--particularly the guy with the ice cream cone:

Fossil Fool's "posse" clearly runs deep--there's the dancing panda, the guy who pedals the generator bike, and of course the menacing guy in the background who stands around eating ice cream. With each bite brainfreeze's icy sting undoubtedly grows more acute, and after five or six double-scoop mint chocolate chip cones he's probably ready to raise his Rockport-shod foot and administer an "epic" ass-kicking:

Of course, Fossil Fool's musical superiority isn't the only reason I'm choosing him over Jared Leto as my cycling troubadour of choice; I also admire his "street cred." Beyond the nerdy thug with the sweet tooth, I also get a general sense from Fossil Fool that he tends to "keep it real." Leto, on the other hand, strikes me as an opportunist who simply tapped the "bike culture" as a convenient, visually striking backdrop in the same way a fixed-gear owner uses a graffiti mural for his pretentious Fixedgeargallery shot--though I suppose that's still better than trolling Craigslist for crash footage:

Licensing footage of big hits and crashes from sports events
Date: 2009-11-09, 6:56PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

We are licensing video footage of extra-ordinary knockout-type hits from sporting events. Examples would be a tackle or check that laid someone out for at least a few moments. We are also looking for crashes during bike races or stunt competitions.

You need to own the rights to the video, and you must be able to send it in within a week. *Include your phone number and a description of your footage or we won't respond*

Apparently the poster is paying $500 per clip, which means this is a potential goldmine for the fixed-gear freestyle community. Fixed-gear freestylers won't go within ten feet of their bicycles unless a friend with a video camera is recording it, and so even the most casual practitioner has hours of crash footage due to the frequency with which they fail to land their "tricks." The only way they could possibly make more money would be if the producers also started paying for "bike checks" or use of the word "colorway." Then, they could all hire sidekicks dressed as animals and dessert-eating bodyguards. Even without the "bike check" bonus, there's still opportunity to "sweeten the pot" if they're ticklish or they resemble either Rosanna Arquette or Martin Scorcese.

Personally, I'm not that interested in watching videos of people crashing their bikes, though I suppose I'd enjoy it a bit more if the crashes took place during a "tweed ride," and number of readers have informed me that another one of these rides was just held in Washington, DC:

Not only that, but the Washington Post has gone so far as to suggest that tweed rides represent "a new masculinity:"

Apparently, this "new masculinity" involves simultaneously humiliating yourself and interfering with public transportation:

Around noon, Brewer rings a brass bell and the riders roll out of the alley, marking a leisurely pace down Eighth Street toward Eastern Market, gliding over the pulp of pulverized leaves, as pedestrians stop and watch and wonder what exactly distinguishes this mob from any other that organizes in Washington. A Metrobus huffs and puffs behind the bike jam, honking its horn. "You rapscallion!" cries one tweed rider, shaking his fist at the bus driver.

I'm glad the Post has straightened that out for me, since until I read that I was under the impression that the "new masculinity" was about combining ice cream and ass-kicking, or at least about not being afraid to wear shorts like this guy (as forwarded to me by Stevil Kinevil):

They are second-hand shorts, though, so I suppose it's technically "used masculinity."

It's also interesting that the cyclists of our nation's capital seem to be nostalgic for the days of limited suffrage, and I only hope that come the next election "new masculinity" doesn't involve organizing a ride to block female access to polling places. I also hope that people don't start measuring bicycles in "hands" instead of centimeters, though judging from Craigslist this may already be taking place:

TRACK BIKE: Brass Knuckle 54cm Al. - $480 (woodside)
Date: 2009-11-15, 11:59AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

hello, this is a complete track bike 54cm (med)yes the kind with horizontal drop outs, with front and back brakes!! aluminum frame and fork, color- tan, cane creek sealed head set, sugino 75-165mm crank arms, 46 tooth chain ring, blue KMC single spd chain, NITTO bull horns,wrapped and plugged, with top mount brake levers, kalloy seat post, selle italia flite saddle with Ti rails, blue velocity DEEP V wheelset 15 tooth cog. This bike was used at elite couriers nyc for only 1.5 yrs, hit this up! going fast! (pic is not up to date, but that is the color )


As a huge fan of disembodied hands in fixed-gear photographs, I immediately noticed this one, which appears to be enormous:


Though it could be simply the swinging limb of someone in the foreground who happened to walk into the shot, it may also be that this bicycle is being propped up by the hand of the giant. Using my own hand for scale, I estimate that a 700c wheel is approximately three and a half hands in diameter. This hand, however, actually spans half the wheel, and it's not even fully-extended:


Or, to put it another way, the rear wheel of this bike is two limp giant hands across:

Certainly then a 54cm (sightly more than two limp giant hands) bike would be too small for him. No wonder he's selling.

BSNYC Funday Fry Quiz!

Firstly, you may recall that awhile back I agreed to serve as a juror for the Transportation Alternatives "Biking Rules!" PSA contest. Well, this Tuesday, November 17th, the winners of this contest will be announced at the "Biking Rules Festival" at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. As a juror, I am entitled to one single complimentary ticket to this event, but unfortunately I am unable to attend due to [insert excuse here]. So, rather than let this ticket lie fallow, I'm instead going to give it away. (The ticket has now been claimed, but feel free to email and call me a schmuck anyway.) If you live in the New York City area (or you'll be there on the 17th), have nothing better to do, and want to go in my stead, simply email me using the subject line "Gimme Your Ticket, Schmuck" and answer the following cycling-themed trivia question: "Which European country hosts the Tour de France?" (Hint: it's France.) The first person to email me with the correct answer gets the ticket, and while I can't tell you to harass, pester, or otherwise molest the TA people I secretly hope you will and I will also happily post any pictures you take while doing so. Also, if you don't win the ticket and want to actually pay to go, you can buy tickets here.

Moving on, around the time The Flaming Lips were casting about for naked hipsters, actor Jared Leto was also tapping the Los Angeles "Midnight Ridazz" for people to be in a video for his band, 30 Seconds to Mars. Well, this is truly a banner week for bicycle-themed music videos, for a number of people have informed me that this video has also just "dropped," and it probably won't surprise you to learn that it's stunningly, jaw-droppingly, pants-wettingly awful:

(Leto to director: "I think I just wet my pants.")

The awfulness of both the song and the video goes beyond the purview of a simple blog post or indeed an entire blog, and as such I'm currently applying for a grant which will allow me to study it during a proposed two-year research leave. What is immediately clear though is that the filmmakers have drawn much of their inspiration from the film "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure," which would be a good thing if this music video wasn't intended to be deadly serious. In particular, most of the imagery is taken from the crucial "post-theft basement debriefing" scene. For example, here are the townsfolk assembled at Pee-Wee's house:

And here are the "Midnight Ridazz:"


Here's Amazing Larry talking to Mario from the magic shop:


And here's Amazing Larry's doppelganger riding a tall bike:


Here's a creepy hairless man-child with a funny voice, filmed in shadow:

And here's a creepy hairless man-child with a funny voice, filmed in shadow:


Beyond this, the video also features two instances of the exuberant fixed-gear freestyle ballet-esque hipster-on-a-dais "Look at me, I'm fabulous!" back wheel spinny thing, here:

And here:


As well as a poignantly symbolic moment when a "hipster" in a gas mask gets hit by a "square" driving a sedan (which means maturity is toxic):

At which point the victim's spirit is manifest in the form of a riderless Mongolian cyclocross bike:


Amid all this, Jared Leto rides around on a "tarck" bike with a single front brake and a freewheel:

He also sings against the setting (or is rising?) sun as though his musical persona were some unctuous amalgam of all the worst characteristics of Bono:

This video is so offensive that afterwards I went back and watched The Flaming Lips video and actually liked it. Like a powerful expectorant, Leto and his band have truly managed to coax all that is slimy and mucous from deep within the alveolae of cycling and music. It may take Leto 30 seconds to get to Mars, but it only took half that time for him to get me to vomit.

Having said that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and then click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see fixed-gear freestylers forced to confront what they really are.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, thanks for forwarding me disturbing things, and be sure to enjoy the weekend culture.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) "Finally, a music video I can get behind!" This one is called:

--All You Haters (Suck My Balls)

--(Do Not Put Anything) In My Flower Box

--My Fixie Weighs a Ton

--Hairy Vagina Ball to Heaven

2) Which is Pee-Wee Herman's LBS?

--Frank's Bikery

--Chuck's Bike-O-Rama

--Chick Corea's Bike-A-Roni

--The Pedalphile

3) How much will you pay for a pair of "Osloh bicycle jeans?"

--$129 and any semblance of "street cred"

--$219 and a case of jock itch

--$912 and a disfiguring zipper mishap

--$16 at Old Navy

4) "Premium Rush" is:

--A new Rush CD box set

--A new brand of fixed-gear-themed coffee

--An upcoming bike messenger-themed action film

--A popular new drug among Midwestern teens

5) Which "Beverly Hills 90210" castmember has optioned the film rights to a mountain biker's tragic life story?

--Jason Priestley

--Luke Perry

--Tori Spelling

--Jared Leto

"The Mordecai saddle will make you go as fast as a hawk and give you a more comfortable ride, almost like you are flying."

6) Who sells this Regal knockoff?

--Nashbar

--All-City

--Leader Bike

--SOMA Fabrications

7) Where was this freak bike spotted?

--Boston, MA

--Portland, OR

--New York, NY

--Jared Leto

***Special Jared Leto-Themed Bonus Question***

Jared Leto.

--True

--False

Culling the Culture: Great Balls of Lips

Back in September, I mentioned that the band The Flaming Lips had put out a casting call for naked riders to appear in a music video. Naturally, they sounded this call in Portland, where people sit poised and ready to mobilize the second anybody needs anything ridiculous and cycling-related to be done. As I understand it, it works like this: Let's say, for example, an aging rock band needs to draw attention to itself inexpensively due to both the moribund state of the record industry and its own increasing hoariness. Well, this is easy to do if the band knows four things: 1) Hipsters pay attention to anything having to do with bikes; 2) Nudity always gets attention; 3) People in Portland love to ride bikes; 4) People everywhere will do anything to get attention. So what the rock band then does is notify the cycling authorities in Portland, who in turn sound a giant air raid siren that can be heard for miles on both sides of the Willamette River. Then, everyone reports to a designated area with their bicycles for debriefing. Orders can range from "Ride your bikes around dressed as Michael Jackson," to "Let's help someone move to a new apartment," to "Let's get naked to help The Flaming Lips sell music." (In this case, they were quite literally "de-briefed.") Whatever the cause, these ever-agreeable Portlanders are happy to oblige.

As it happens, a reader informs me that The Flaming Lips have already finished their video, having spent less than two months and virtually no money. (For the cast, humiliation is its own reward.) You can watch it here, but if you find The Flaming Lips's music as tedious as I do then it's my pleasure to summarize it for you instead. First, it opens with a bunch of naked people on bikes:

Then, the singer, Wayne Coyne, appears in a bubble:


Then, we see a Hairy Vagina Ball:


Next, more naked people start to emerge from the Hairy Vagina Ball:

(I suppose The Flaming Lips did have to spend some money on construction of the Hairy Vagina Ball, though even that can be done inexpensively--especially if you send a production assistant out into the cast to collect pubic hair clippings and then apply them to the Vagina Ball with a gluestick. I also regret not having been present to witness the moment when the director raised the bullhorn to his lips and asked the crowd, "OK, who wants to get inside the Hairy Vagina Ball?")

At this point, the "song" begins, though it's mostly just the suggestion of a song, since like the bubble in which Wayne Coyne is housed it never really gets more than a few feet off the ground. Here's what Coyne looks like as he disinterestedly intones the lyrics:

Eventually, the crowd starts passing the bubble around like a giant beach ball:

Finally, they stuff a naked Wayne Coyne into the Hairy Vagina Ball:

Despite my total lack of enthusiasm for The Flaming Lips's music, I have to admit that this is a formidable artistic accomplishment, since they've somehow managed to make even naked people passing into and out of a Hairy Vagina Ball seem hopelessly pedestrian and indeed barely worth watching. I suppose this is because their music is about as exciting as a big bucket of old bongwater, the spilling of which can dampen even the most animated and festive proceedings. I suppose also this is why "Do You Realize??" is now the Official Rock Song of Oklahoma. (Incidentally, I'm currently working on a rock song about burritos which I plan to send to Governor Schwarzenegger for consideration.)

Nonetheless, I can't help but perk up a bit when cycling makes a cameo in popular entertainment, even if that cameo is often awkward and embarrassing. Another reader informs me that the TV show "Castle" recently featured a plot involving a dead bike messenger. I had never seen "Castle" before, having dismissed it as yet another show featuring a main character with a domicile-themed surname à la "House." Actually, I still haven't really seen it, since I only watched the very beginning, in which the messenger dies. If you'd like, you can watch it yourself here, but essentially what happens is that a Nü-Fred stuntman who looks nothing like a bike messenger and who wears his bag on his stomach instead of on his back pulls off as "epic" a piece of bike-salmoning as any I've ever seen:

Then, his Swobo Sanchez plows into a car and he dies, at which point someone comes out of the car and steals his bag:

Who has stolen the bag, and what's in it? Will Castle be able to solve the mystery? Will he team up with House or Shaq or someone else named after a dwelling? Will there be a spin-off called "Hovel?" To find out, you'll either have to watch the show, or else just listen to The Flaming Lips, which will make you forget all about the show since it induces all the apathy of smoking the Wednesday weed but without any of that pesky "insight." ("Entertainment value" is truly a useless by-product.)

Speaking of stuffing things into other things, yet another reader has informed me that in Copenhagen (which is like Portland if it were twice as bike-friendly and four times as dour) they're so advanced when it comes to cycling that they've transcended the problem of regular bike parking and have moved on to cargo bike parking:

Yes, in Copenhagen they're building cargo bike parking while in New York City people will still tell you to "Get on the sidewalk." This is like how, during the Middle Ages, China flourished culturally while Europe was busy inventing new ways to kill people for saying the Earth revolved around the Sun. Frankly, I find reading about bike-friendly cities like Portland and Copenhagen and their ingenious little solutions highly irritating. It's like getting an excited voicemail from your friend who says, "Guess what? I finally figured out where to put all this money!" Yes, people in Copenhagen are so enlightened that, according to the post, only 2% of them are bothered by their own smugness:

Interestingly, only 2% of Copenhagen cyclists find cargo bikes irritating.

Of course, that number might fluctuate if, instead of pink cars, the city started installing Hairy Vagina Balls.

Also according to the post, in Denmark they just don't have cargo bikes; they have cargo bike culture, as you can see in this photo set:

I realize I have a fairly parochial view when it comes to the use of certain words, but nonetheless I maintain that the act of carting crap around in a wagon does not qualify as "culture"--even if you do it while talking on a cellphone and wearing designer clothes. In a sense, the word "culture" is sort of like a human spleen. When healthy, it's useful and important. However, once it becomes diseased, you're better off having it removed, since you can still live without it. The word "culture" became diseased when everyone started attaching it to everything from bicycles to video games. If "culture" were completely eradicated from the English language, we'd miss it, but we'd still be able to function. "European culture" would simply be "European" or "Europe." "Danish cargo bike culture" would simply be "Danish cargo bikes." "Ancient cultures" would just be "ancient peoples." Other organs will take over for the spleen, and other words will take over for "culture." At this point, we're on the cusp of someone actually referring to "culture culture," at which point it will be too late. (Though I suppose this might be somewhat acceptable if you're referring to a primitive rainforest tribe that worships yogurt.)

Meanwhile, as the Danes figure out what to do with their cargo bikes, here in New York City our new bike lanes are being taken from us almost as fast as the DOT can paint them. No sooner did this one appear in Brooklyn than it was appropriated by horseback riders:


This is especially frustrating since there's a perfectly serviceable dirt path right next to the bike lane:

I was tempted to yell "Giddyup!" and thwack it on the rump as I passed, but the only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to injure the horse. (In retrospect, I now realize I could have done that to the woman in the mustard pants instead.) It could be though that she thinks she's entitled to ride her horse in the bike lane. Maybe she's on her way to Mongolian cyclocross practice.