Friday, July 22, 2016

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

If you're anything like me, every time you go for a ride you think to yourself, "I sure wish some Silicon Valley start-up would rethink the bicycle!"  Well good news!  Here comes the Volata, which is the combination TV/VCR of road bikes:

So how are they rethinking the hopelessly retrograde bicycles we've all been riding?

Instead of buying a bike and then buying lights and a GPS computer, the founders of Volata Cycles think the whole thing should come as an integrated package. Volata Cycles is launching this summer with an electronic, internal-hub shifting, hydraulic-braking, slick commuter bike that has an app-based computer and front and rear lights all built right in and powered by the front hub.

Brilliant.  A bicycle is a machine that can last you for decades that you can accessorize as needed, whereas electronic gadgets are fickle, disposable items with a shelf life measured in months.  Naturally then you'd want to integrate them instead of changing your accessories as they age or wear out.

Volata Cycles is selling the bike for $3,499 at www.volatacycles.com, asking for a reservation fee of $299 with the remaining balance due upon delivery beginning in July 2017.

I was convinced, so I headed over to Volata's site to configure my new dork sled:


I was able to choose from two colors, four sizes, three saddles...and that was it.

Sure, I would have also liked to specify some other details such as stem length, but when you spend $3,499 for a Volata you have to hope they eventually get around to offering them in different sizes:


Thank you, Silicon Valley, for "disrupting" the versatility and adaptability right out of the bicycle.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then great, and if you're wrong you'll see Cat 3s.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may we soon be liberated from the heat dome.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




1) Which "Entourage" star recently doored a cyclist?

--Jeremy Piven
--Kevin Dillon
--Steve Buscemi
--Daniel Day Lewis






2) From July 25th through July 29th, the NYPD will crack down on:

--Drivers who endanger bicyclists
--Bicyclists who endanger drivers
--Officers who block bike lanes
--Bicycles with tires exhibiting excessive tread wear






3) Who is Graham?

--An "interactive lifelike sculpture demonstrating human vulnerability"
--A test subject for New South Wales's experimental helmet implant
--Yet another lame new "Star Wars" character
--A Masters cyclist who took too many PEDs






4) Silca's new T-Ratchet portable torque wrench is yet more proof that carbon fiber is a stupid material for bicycle components.

--True
--False




5) How much for an old wooden baby block at the Brooklyn Flea?

--$.60
--$6.00
--$60.00
--$600.00





6) A person who points to his or her head as you ride by and mouths the word "Helmet!" is called:

--A Helmet Nazi
--A Helmet Mime
--A Safety Kippah Enforcement Agent
--A typical Australian




("What, no helmet?!?")

7) Basically nobody really knows shit about why bikes work.

--True
--False


***Special PSA-Themed Bonus PSA!***



Okay, two things: 1) Seems like more of an anti-bullying PSA than a bike safety PSA; and B) How does a helmet help if you take a 2x4 to the face?

Thursday, July 21, 2016

The Future: It's Not Looking Good

On Tuesday I told the story of how I was assaulted with self-righteous gesticulation by a so-called "Helmet Mime."   Well, just to put the situation in its proper context, here's the exact spot where the Helmet Mime struck:


(Flatbush Avenue it ain't.)

I took the photo this morning, and as usual I was piloting the Smugness Flotilla Mark II laden with two (2) human children.  If you enlarge the photo you will notice that up ahead on the right there is a gentleman running (not particularly urgently, it was more of a trot) up the hill.  He doesn't appear to be dressed for exercise, and I'm not sure why anybody would choose to run in a pair of khakis when we are currently beneath a "heat dome."   (Maybe he was late for a train.  What do I know?)  The point is that even on a bicycle I could not catch this man.

And that is how slowly I ride up this hill.

So yeah, call me crazy, but I don't think this ride warrants safety gear--though obviously once I crested the hill I totally bombed down the other side, one hand off the bars and tweeting bon mots all the while.

(And yes, of course as I passed the runner I pointed to my bare legs and mouthed the words "heat dome!" over and over again.)

Speaking of my daredevil exploits, yesterday I said if you needed me I'd probably be mountain biking.  Well, if you went looking for me you wouldn't have found me, because I changed my mind and instead I've been bouncing around on the Milwaukee the last few days:


I haven't encountered any Helmet Mimes since Tuesday, but there sure are a fuckload of deer out there.

Still, helmet mania is reaching epidemic proportions, as this tweet illustrates:
I mean come on now.  It's gotta stop.  Seriously.  Though of course I do support mandatory helmets for people driving SUVs:


The man fled as the authorities put out a call with the vehicle description. Around 2:10 a.m. on Thursday, the police found a vehicle matching the description near Columbus Circle.

The man inside refused to leave his vehicle and was seen putting a “red plastic helmet on his head,” Chief O’Neill said. It was unclear whether he was armed.

Unclear whether he was armed?  Seems to me he was armed with an SUV.  Guess we're still not ready to wrap our heads around the concept of weaponizing motor vehicles.

Meanwhile, from the Traffic Accident Coalition in Victoria Australia comes Graham, the "interactive lifelike sculpture demonstrating human vulnerability:"



In a shift from its traditional road safety campaigns, the TAC has collaborated with a leading trauma surgeon, a crash investigation expert and a world-renowned Melbourne artist to produce ‘Graham’, an interactive lifelike sculpture demonstrating human vulnerability.

Graham has been designed with bodily features that might be present in humans if they had evolved to withstand the forces involved in crashes. Studies have shown that the human body can only cope with impacts at speeds people can reach on their own, unassisted by vehicles.

“People can survive running at full pace into a wall but when you’re talking about collisions involving vehicles, the speeds are faster, the forces are greater and the chances of survival are much slimmer,” TAC chief executive officer Joe Calafiore said.

“Cars have evolved a lot faster than humans and Graham helps us understand why we need to improve every aspect of our roads system to protect ourselves from our own mistakes.”

This campaign raises a number of questions for me, including but not limited to:

--Has nobody told the Traffic Accident Coalition we're not saying "accident" anymore?
--Where's Graham's cupholder?
--Has nobody at the Traffic Accident Coalition ever been to America?  Because Graham looks like any given wholesale price club shopper:


Also, I assume this is supposed to make Australians more careful, but I fear it will backfire, because I'm sure they all dream of a future in which human beings are born with helmets:


Of course, some people hold out hope that car use will decline, thus sparing us this next phase of human (d)evolution.  For example, there are those who hope "car-sharing" will save us:

(Via @naparstek's twitter.)

For the vast majority of respondents, car2go did not have any causal effect on their vehicle holdings. Just two to five percent of active members said that they’d sold a car as a result of car2go’s operations. Between 7 and 10 percent said they’d avoided buying a car. But those relatively small percentages translated to sizable impacts. For every car2go vehicle on the street, the researchers found, members sold somewhere between one and three personal vehicles and avoided buying between four and nine vehicles. Overall, each shared car2go vehicle removed as many as 11 personal cars from the road. (City-specific detail on this can be found in the table below.) Across the five study cities, that added up to 28,000 fewer cars.

Yeah, I dunno.  People may say they didn't buy a car because of this service, but then again people say a lot of shit because it sounds good.  More cars were sold in America in 2015 then, well, ever.  Plus, apparently General Motors is kicking ass:
Yeah, that's General Motors.  The General Motors.  You know, the ones who can't make an ignition switch.  (Not to be confused with Chrysler, who can't make an automatic transmission shifter.)

If people are still buying cars from those assholes than what hope is there for a car-free future?

Sure, I suppose car-sharing and technology could "disrupt" the traditional car dependence, but I remain skeptical.  Based on what I see living in New York City the kinds of people who use car-share wouldn't buy a car anyway, and the only thing keeping everybody else from owning one is lack of access to free or cheap parking--and once they have that they're getting a fucking car.  Indeed, as a co-op board veteran I can assure you that pretty much every interview goes like this:

--"Is there parking here?"
--"Do you own a car?"
--"No, but we plan to buy one if we can park it."

Or eventually people just leave the city altogether and move to one of those "walkable suburbs:"


One of several municipalities in the town of Mount Pleasant in Westchester, Pleasantville is 1.9 square miles, which means that, unlike in some suburbs, people walk.

They walk to the cinema and to restaurants and shops, including the independent Village Bookstore. They walk to the library and to the year-round Saturday farmers market. They walk to the train to commute into the city. And they walk to school.

The truth about "walkable suburbs" is it's mostly just an aesthetic distinction, because while they're technically walkable it's not like anybody really does--at least not in a meaningful way.  That's why even in a village of 1.9 square miles people say stuff like this at community meetings:

Last month, Mr. McGaffey attended the village’s first public meeting focusing on revisions to the business district master plan. So did Donna Edlund, an associate broker with the Pleasantville branch of Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage, who said, “We need more places for people to park.”

Do they really need more places for people to park?   It's a 1.9 square-mile village!  You can't get more than walking distance from your own car without leaving town!

And far more frightening than humans evolving into Graham is the fact that laws have already evolved to make it impossible for anybody to get in trouble for hurting anybody else with a car:


The actor allegedly swung open his car door and struck a bicyclist on Tuesday in Los Angeles, TMZ reported.

The 35-year-old rider was "badly hurt" and taken to the hospital where he received stitches on his chest, according to the gossip site.

Piven did not receive a ticket since cops didn't witness the incident, but police sources told TMZ that Piven was at fault for the accident.

You've gotta love the magical cloaking powers of a motor vehicle.  Your car is like international waters--nobody has jurisdiction over anything that happens in it.

Cars won't cause humanity to evolve into Graham.  Instead they'll turn us all into giant douchebags like Jeremy Piven

Lastly, unrelated to cars, Silca has launched a Kickstarter:



Traditional multi-tools may be good for making some adjustments, but when it comes to properly applying torque, the small size, difficult ergonomics, and often poor fitting or flexible tools make it impossible for even the most experienced user to 'feel' the torque they are applying.  

Well okay then.

#whattorqueyourunning


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

This Just In: Bike Sharing is Caring!

In the literary sub-sub-sub-sub-subgenre known as the "bike share travelogue" I am without peer--not because I'm particularly good at it, but because I'm pretty sure nobody else is doing it.

It's a lesson for all the kids out there: if you want to be the best at something, choose something nobody else in their right mind would bother doing.

Anyway, you may recall that not too long ago I undertook a journey for Citi Bike from the High Line to the Lower East Side.  Now, I'm pleased to report that Part II of my travels through the rarefied bubble that is the Citi Bike service area is finally available for your perusal and delectation:

And remember: if you're visiting New York City and would a guided bike tour, my services are available for the low, low price of $1,000 per hour.  (You cover meals and expenses.)

Please enjoy my witty and photo-rich narrative, and if you need me I'll probably be mountain biking.


--Wildcat Rock Machine



Tuesday, July 19, 2016

"I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!"

This is my family bike, a.k.a. my Smugness Flotilla Mark II (with all due respect to the Smugness Flotilla Mark I, which has since been re-homed):


Every weekday morning I load my larger human child onto the front seat and strap my smaller human child into the rear seat, then I take the middle perch and we all ship out together to bring the former child to day camp.  According to a popular Internet mapping application, it's a journey of exactly 1.1 miles.  (Or a whopping 2.2 miles round-trip.)  And of that 1.1 miles, .7 miles (or approximately 70% of the total one-way trip) is within the confines of a sub-neighborhood in the Bronx called Fieldston.

Fieldston is a privately-owned neighborhood consisting entirely of very large and expensive single-family homes, and it was established early in the last century as sort of a "residential park."  While not gated, truck traffic is forbidden, as is street parking for anybody who is not a Fieldston resident.  Apart from the Ubers and luxury cars headed to and from the local prep schools in the morning and the afternoon, automotive traffic is light.  Because there are no parked cars lining the curb the sight lines are ample, and because the streets follow the topography of the land rather than a grid it's that much more difficult for drivers to speed.

What I'm establishing here is that this is not exactly a hardcore bicycle commute.

Indeed, the only challenging aspect of this ride is that it takes you over a fairly steep hill.  Sure, it's not quite Mont Ventoux, but it's enough that with two kids and a 50lb bicycle I'm going slightly faster than walking speed.  Also, by the time I'm about halfway up I'm generally pretty winded and not in a position to answer my older child's incessant questions about science and the nature of the universe.

And it was at exactly this moment that I passed the Helmet Mime.

So what is a "Helmet Mime?"  A Helmet Mime is someone who points repeatedly to his or her head and mouths the word "Helmet!" admonishingly over and over again as you pass.  Occasionally these Helmet Mimes also speak, which I realize is not exactly in keeping with the whole "mime" analogy, but it's still a fitting term in that gratuitous gesticulating is the main feature of this bizarre behavior.

This particular Helmet Mime happened to be an older woman.  She was walking in the street along the curb, which is what you do in Fieldston because: 1) The bluestone sidewalks are often bulging due to tree roots and are therefore generally unwalkable; and 2) Fieldston is one of those exceedingly rare places in New York City where an older woman can walk safely and comfortably in the street.  She was walking down the hill and I was grinding up it.  She smiled, which is what people often do when they see us all on the bike together, because it's fucking adorable.  So I assumed that's what was going on here too.  But then the miming began:

"Helmet, helmet, helmet!," she repeated over and over again while pointing to her head repeatedly and idiotically with both index fingers, like she was drawing the McDonald's arches over her head.

By the way, in case you're wondering, here was the helmet breakdown on the Smugness Flotilla this morning (and every morning):

--Me: no helmet
--Elder child: no helmet
--Younger child: helmet

This might seem like a haphazard arrangement, but indeed it is quite the opposite, and it's one I've arrived upon after a lifetime of cycling.  Now I'm not saying I know all there is to know about riding bikes--far from it.  Indeed, my life as a semi-professional bike blogger has afforded me the opportunity to meet all manner of cycling luminaries, which in turn has only served to remind me of what a relative neophyte I am.  Trust me, when you talk to someone who's won a Grand Tour, or run a successful bike company, or helped get bike lanes installed and legislation passed, the first thing you realize is that in the grand scheme of things you don't know shit.

Still, at this point in my life I maintain I'm allowed to say I've been around the block as far as bikes are concerned.  I've crashed coming out of the gate at a BMX race and heard the pounding of bear trap pedals against my helmet as my fellow competitors rode right over me.  I've ridden a hybrid shirtless and wearing half-shorts.  I've attempted to race the Five Boro Bike Tour.  I've stood outside a building at 7:00pm in the freezing December rain, near tears because I had a modeling portfolio still to deliver, everyone in the office had already gone home, and I'd have done anything to do the same.  I've placed second in a park race and won like $20.  I've attacked Lance Armstrong on the slopes of the River Road ranger station climb while a documentary film crew was rolling.  I've experienced the wide spectrum of motor-vehicular intimidation and assault, and since starting this blog I've lived eyeball-deep in such stories from around the world.

I could go on.  The point is that as a cyclist I am the sum total of decades of experiences good, bad, and embarrassing, and that the way my children and I are outfitted on the bike at any given moment is not happenstance.  It's me concluding quite judiciously that you don't need a fucking foam hat to safely ride a bike through a "residential park" for five fucking minutes, and neither do your kids--though it's also me concluding I'll put one on the baby anyway because of the goddamn Helment Mimes.

But alas this concession to the illusion of safety was not enough, for here was this woman pointing to the two spots on her skull where her antennae should be and bleating the word "Helmet."

My entire cycling life passed before my eyes as I watched this woman do her inane jumping jacks at me, and at that moment it was as if there were no dumber person on Earth than her.  Who was she to chastise me as she perambulated in her bubble of privilege?  Could she possibly think what I was doing was unduly dangerous or irresponsible?  Or is she simply under the delusion that I'm setting a bad example for my child by not making him wear a foam totem on his head for the five minutes he's going to be sitting on a slow-moving bicycle?  Because let's be totally honest here: Who's going to learn more about safety?  The helmetless kid who spends every day on a bike with a father who lives and breathes cycling and shows him all the ways drivers kill, or the one with five inches of helmet strap slack on the Spider-man bike from Toys R Us who has never seen his parents operate any vehicle that isn't an SUV?

Speaking of SUVs, what would you rather be passed by as you walk in the street?  A family on a bike who are two-thirds helmetless, or a two-ton motor vehicle?  Because here's what camp drop-off and pick-up looks like around the corner from where we passed the Helmet Mime:


This is not my kid's camp; this is another one right nearby.  But pretty much every camp and school everywhere is beset by a cluster of cars twice a day.  And while I'm in no position to get all "One Less Car" on anybody (I do drive a car that a bank owns until I finish paying them back), the fact is that I'm basically doing the Helmet Mime and everyone else in the neighborhood a personal favor by not adding to this kind of shitshow on a daily basis.

Of course, I was able to communicate exactly none of this to the Helmet Mime, owning mostly to the fact that to confront her would have been to set a bad example for my children.  (Though I suppose there's already no hope for them since I'm subjecting them to a life of flagrant helmetless, so what does it matter anyway?)  Therefore, I had to content myself with congratulating her for successfully pointing to her own head as I passed.

Anyway, incredibly and against all odds, we made it to camp unscathed despite our reckless behavior.

And sure, I could forgive this woman for her concern, but to do so would be to surrender to both brainwashing and victim-blaming, as embodied by this now-deleted tweet from "Brainpicker:"


This ghost bike belongs to Olga Evgleska Cook, who was killed by a hit-and-run driver while riding on the Hudson River Greenway.  (And, as other tweeters pointed out, was apparently wearing a helmet.)

As for Popova, she mounted a brave yet wrongheaded defense of her stupid and insulting tweet before ultimately taking it down.

As for me, after the camp drop-off I headed north, where I encountered this deer:


As I passed, I pointed to my head and repeated "Antlers!" over and over again:


I hope it learned its lesson.


Monday, July 18, 2016

This Just In: Motor Vehicles May Be Dangerous

Not to get too heavy on a Monday morning, but the following tweets appeared side-by-side in my Twitter timeline over the weekend and it's been on my mind ever since:
The aforementioned Times article calls trucks a "frightening new landscape of terrorism."  As a New Yorker, I'm dismayed to hear this threat described as "new," given how successfully we've been terrorizing ourselves with cars and trucks and things that go for the past 100 years without even trying.  Consider also:


The truck, he said, displayed no unusual menace but upset him all the same as heavy vehicles are supposed to be banned from the sedate residential area at that hour. Moreover, it was moving in the wrong direction down the one-way street outside his apartment.

Meanwhile, truckers operating illegally on residential streets is a typical day in New York City, but the NYPD only tickets them after they've already killed someone--and even then they only do so after they've exhausted all other victim-blaming possibilities:

Gregg was killed on April 20 by a tractor-trailer driver on Sixth Avenue near Sterling Place. That’s not a truck route, and based on photos of the scene, there is a strong possibility the truck that hit Gregg was too long to be operated legally on NYC surface streets. But an officer at the scene suggested Gregg had acted recklessly by trying to hitch a ride, which also describes what a cyclist desperately trying to fend off an oversized truck might look like. NYPD later said Gregg “for unknown reasons fell to the ground,” and eventually ticketed the trucker for equipment violations driving off-route, but he was not charged by police or District Attorney Ken Thompson for taking Gregg’s life.

And all of this is to say nothing of the fact that terrorists used a truck for the first World Trade Center attack way back in 1993, and attempted to blow up Times Square with a car in 2010.  So again: How is the threat posed by trucks in any way new?  Meanwhile, we remain so resistant in New York City to the idea that motor vehicles make great weapons that we refuse to accept anything we perceive as a threat to our "right" to unfettered motordom (congestion pricing, speed cameras, and of course those hated bike lanes)--though you can't really blame us, since of course cyclists are the real terrorists.

In short, if we do so little to protect ourselves from the drivers who kill by "accident" then what chance do we have against a driver who decides to kill on purpose?  Because even when someone attacks you with their car and you report them to the police here's what happens:


So there you go.

And as for that off-duty cop, he has been charged, though it's horrifying to consider what you have to do with your car to actually get in trouble in this town:



Witnesses say that Batka, who was scheduled to be on-duty at 7 a.m., flashed his NYPD badge and apparently asked cops, "Did I kill anybody?" when they arrived.

Angie Zielenski described the chaos to WABC 7, "I see this girl lying on the floor, so I lift her head up because she was bleeding from her head and her leg. I ran across the street, and I called 911, and the driver jumped from the driver's side to the passenger side, and there was a man who was holding the door of the SUV shut to not let him out."

Had he not succeeded in hitting anybody no doubt it would have been another case of "there's nothing we can do."

Meanwhile, in lighter news, the Times also takes a sartorial look at the Tour de France, and it should come as a surprise to nobody that Mario Cipollini gets a mention:


Cycling’s most extreme fashion rebel was Mario Cipollini, an Italian sprinter who was at his peak during the 1990s. He generated as much attention for his sponsors with what he wore as he did with what he won. He once turned up for a Tour stage in a chariot wearing vaguely Roman-styled cycling clothes underneath a toga. Perhaps his most extreme sartorial selection was an aerodynamic skin suit that was patterned with a life-size, anatomical drawing of muscles.

It's true, Cipo made Peter Sagan look like a total dweeb:


I was also amused to note that Tinkoff is the most anal-retentive team in the peloton when it comes to clothing:

Some teams, like Tinkoff, impose a dress code that even the Marine Corps might admire.

Yates said that Tinkoff riders must be dressed identically at all times in every race. The edict is carried to some extreme limits. The team has two styles of shorts that, at a casual glance, appear identical. But one is made from a heavier fabric, which some riders find warmer and more comfortable in the rain.

Despite their similar appearance, Yates said, the team forbids mixing the two styles within a race. So the riders take a vote to make a selection.

Indeed, when it comes to voting and shorts, you can always count on one man to abstain:


Friday, July 15, 2016

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

It's hot today.

Really hot.

How hot?

This hot:


Fortunately, as a layabout bike blogger I'm able to "curate" my commute.  For example, sometimes I commute into the city, sometimes I commute away from it, and sometimes I just say "fuck it" and stay wherever the hell I am.

Today I picked the second option, and I encountered some deer:


One of them totally Cat 6-ed me:


As you can imagine, sprinting against a deer in the heat is quite exhausting, and so I picked a pleasant spot to rest:


If you can tear your eyes away from my shameful pink-and-green spacer stack you will notice that beneath my saddle is a tool roll from EH Works, whose ad you may have noticed over there in the right-hand margin.  Here's what it looks like unfurled:


And here's a quick inventory of its contents:

--Two (2) inner tubes;
--Tire levers;
--Patch kit;
--Spoke wrench;
--Multitool;
--Combination S&S coupler/pedal wrench

Basically it's everything I need to disassemble and reassemble my travel bike on the road--except for a pump (I've got to deflate the tires to fit everything in the travel case), but I'm sure I could easily fit a mini-pump in there too.  Indeed, there's plenty of room left, so perhaps I'll even add a chain tool and some spare links so I'm really covered.  Or perhaps I won't bother, because really, how often do you break a chain?

Either way, it all fits snugly and discreetly under Eric the Chamferer's handiwork:


So there you go.

Speaking of giant toolbags, a friend forwarded me this article, which apparently requires a subscription to read in its entirety--though I'm not sure that matters because if you're anything like me you couldn't bear to do so anyway:

Dave Morin, a tech executive and venture capitalist, posted his time for a recent mountain bike ride to the social networking app Strava and thought little about it. Until, that is, he bumped into a friend, Colin Brumelle, a former Twitter engineering manager and amateur racer who’d seen the Strava posting. “You’re cheating!” cried Mr. Brumelle.

Mr. Morin had beaten Mr. Brumelle’s time up the slopes of nearby Mt. Tamalpais. But to anyone on Strava, it was obvious how Mr. Morin had done it. His bike, as noted in Strava, was a Turbo Levo, a new, $7,500 offering from California-based Specialized. It is equipped with a computerized, electronic motor, which offers a subtle assist with each pedal stroke.

Yeah, it's not really innovation or cheating, it's basically just being a douche.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll rejoice, and if you're wrong you'll see a Pokéfred.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride safely.


--Wildcat Rock Machine



1) Pokémon reference Pokémon reference something something something Pokémon reference.

--Pokémon
--Pokémon
--Pokémon
--Pokémon




2) The NYPD recently cracked down on ElliptiGO riders for violating the following New York State traffic law:

§ 1232. Riding on bicycles. (a) A person propelling a bicycle shall not ride other than upon or astride a permanent and regular seat attached thereto, nor shall he ride with his feet removed from the pedals.
(b) No bicycle shall be used to carry more persons at one time than the number for which it is designed and equipped.

--True
--False




("Gravel.  So hot right now.")

3) Finally!  Gravel-specific _____:

--Handlebar tape
--Pedals
--Shorts
--Gravel





4) What kind of knot is this?

--A "buntline hitch"
--A "Klemheist knot"
--A "Panties-in-a-Twist"
--Trick question, this is technically a "bend" and not a knot, and anyone who doesn't know the difference is an idiot






5) Holy shit, the Boston Globe printed something nice about bikes!

--True
--False





6) The Lios Nano is:

--The world's douchiest folding bike
--The ultimate Cat 6 assault weapon
--"Onan Soil" spelled backwards (as a commenter pointed out)
--All of the above





7) This bakfiets conversion kit is called:

--The "LIFT"
--The "TROUGH"
--The "Smugifier"
--The "Bakfietsifier"



***Special "Distrupt"-Themed Bonus Video!!!***


The tech companies are gonna disrupt everyone right into the poorhouse.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: My ElliptiGO Got Up and ElliptiWENT!

Well the big news in cycling is of course that Chris Froome chased a Pokemon up Mont Ventoux today:
Gotta catch 'em all.

Indeed, after Monday's post I was worried about having to dodge gamers in the bike lane when I set out for an "epic" round-trip commute to Brooklyn recently that would span three (3) boroughs.  I was also worried about falling victim to the latest bike crackdown, since as I understand it once you go below 96th street you're fair game.  So to that end, I made sure to ride a bike with a bell on it:


As it turned out I was spared, though I can only speculate as to how things might have turned out if I'd been riding this:


I also wonder if the NYPD includes ElliptiGOs in their dragnet when they're doing a bike crackdown:


Because I see a helmet and a handlebar bag, but I don't see a bell:


Just think how much time Froome would have put into his rivals if only someone had passed him an ElliptiGO.

There are various bike lanes and greenways to choose from between my home and Central Park, but once you get below 59th Street the options for getting through the commercial thicket of Midtown are a bit more limited.  While you can opt to circumvent it altogether by heading to the extreme east or west sides, I generally opt to whip out the machete and charge straight down Fifth Avenue:


Before long I'd dispatched with Manhattan and was on the bridge to Brooklyn:


By the way, we can debate the efficacy of bike helmets until our faces are Citi Bike blue, but I think we can all agree there's no difference between wearing a helmet in the manner pictured above and not wearing one at all.  (In fact it's probably much safer not to wear the helmet, since that thing's liable to choke you.)

Sometime over the last ten years someone must have discovered a cache of vintage Cannondales and brought it to Brooklyn because they're absolutely everywhere:


Apart from the helmet right at dog leg-lifting level I give this locking job high marks--though I can't say the same for this bike locked by the front wheel only:


If I knew where the owner worked I'd show up with their bicycle as well as a copy of my book.

Speaking of bike security, this green bike caught my eye:


As far as I can tell, this is a Breeze bike share bike:



So if anyone's got an explanation as to what this one's doing in Brooklyn I'd love to hear it.

Anyway, after my eight-hour spa treatment I headed back towards home by way of the Manhattan Bridge, where as usual the outbound Cat 6-ing was at a fever pitch:


I myself was soundly Cat 6-ed numerous times:


Though the most crushing instance was when this rider rang her bell at me like she was attempting to summon a recalcitrant butler and then, when I didn't move over fast enough (or, to be honest, at all), flew right by me on her Free Spirit:


It was rather humbling, if not downright formidable:



I reached Manhattan with my head hung low and made my way uptown, only to find the NYPD had commandeered pretty much the entire 4th Avenue bike lane:


I'm not sure if they were assembling in anticipation of some protest or else just honing their bike lane-blocking technique, but either way it was an impressive show of force:


It was also an impressive show of irony given the sign I soon came upon in Central Park:


As you know, I love to be admonished by signs while riding in parks, and this one did not disappoint:


I particularly appreciated this order:


How many Central Park cyclists are traveling significantly faster than 20mph for a sustained period?  Even the most enthusiastic Fred or Tridork is really only doing that on the downhills.  Meanwhile, a car won't even trip one of the very few school zone speed cameras Albany lets the city install unless it's traveling more than 10mph over the limit.  Then again, I didn't have a radar gun to clock this pair:


As for me, I stayed well shy of the speed limit, and I'm pleased to report I made it to the northern tip of Manhattan without incident:


And once over the bridge I made a point of stopping and treating myself to a recovery beverage:


Which I of course shared with the trusty Son of Scattante, née the Ironic Orange Julius Bike:


Riding here can be fraught, but when it all comes together you can almost be forgiven for thinking you live in the best city in the world.