Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The BSNYC Department of Ichthyology: Leaping Over the Selachimorpha


For the most part, I don’t read cycling forums. There was a time when I did, though. That was in the heyday of rec.bicycles.tech, when people like Sheldon Brown, Jobst Brandt, Peter Chisholm, Andrew Muzi, and many others formed kind of a McLaughlin Group of cycling. This made for good reading, and even when discourse dissolved into debate there was a lot to learn. “Wreck Bikes” isn’t what it once was, though, (even though some of those people still post there) and the many other forums that have since arisen feature discussions that seem to be mostly dustbunnies of brand cheerleading and misinformation formed around tiny particles of actual truth.

There is one thing I always like to read about, though, and that’s myself. So occasionally when I’m alerted to a thread on a forum that involves me I check it out. Sometimes it’s someone sharing something they read here that they think is funny. Other times, it’s either people saying I suck because I was too mean about someone’s bike, or else it’s people saying I suck because I wasn’t mean enough about someone’s bike. And regularly, it’s someone making the pronouncement that I’ve officially “Jumped the Shark.”

I don’t mind when people disparage me. In fact, I like it. I’m flattered when people take a break from being unpaid cogs in the bicycle marketing hype machine to discuss me no matter what they say. Last night, though, after reading the umpteenth shark-jumping thread, I got annoyed. It wasn’t because I mind when people don’t like me—I don’t. It was because they’re just plain wrong.

“Jumping the Shark” refers to that “Happy Days” episode where the Fonz jumped over a killer whale. (Or it might have been some other type of dangerous marine life.) So when something Jumps the Shark it means it’s become a parody of itself and has resorted to going to extreme and absurd lengths to remain relevant and hold people’s attention. That’s not what’s happening here. No, what this last batch of forumites were trying to say is that this site has become boring. That’s different.

It’s perfectly fine to say I’m boring. I don’t plan to do this forever anyway. If you’re bored, you can take solace in the fact that this blog’s days in its present form are definitely numbered, and the end is in sight. (Though I just haven’t figured out exactly where to put the decimal place yet.) But it’s simply wrong to say I’ve “Jumped the Shark.” I may be boring, but I have not whored out my dignity in a sublimely bizarre and embarrassing moment of attention-seeking.

Yet.

But I plan to. Oh, yes. That’s why it gives me great pleasure to announce:


THE BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!!


That’s right: this June, inspired by hipster endurance magician David Blaine, I will suspend myself in a plexiglas cube over the Williamsburg Bridge bike path for 72 hours. Thus enclosed in a transparent cell of my own self-righteousness, I will proceed to blog non-stop for the duration of my incarceration. I will not eat, I will not sleep, and I will have nothing with me in the cube except a computer. (And possibly pants, though I haven’t decided yet. Also maybe some Rain-X in case the cube gets too foggy.) Bystanders will be able to read my words on a giant LCD screen as I type them, and I will have no mercy on the commuters who pass to and fro beneath me, as I flay them with words for no greater crime than riding a bike. And perhaps best of all, Letle Viride is slated to play live!

The BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!! will be brought to you by:



“The Computer of Choice for Typing in Public”


“Our Wheels Explode! Boom!”


“Your Cluelessness is Our Resurrection”


“We Don’t Know From Bikes—We Make Cheese.”


“The Bike Clothes for Precious People”





“The Bike Shop for Precious People”



Oh, and here’s the tag line:

This June. One man. One cube. BSNYC shark-jumping fever. (And he might be nude.) Catch it!

98 comments:

Anonymous said...

400 trees and shrubs

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Jewbeard said...

Great post april fools save snob.

leroy said...

Icthyology? SOunds fishy.

Anonymous said...

CRAP!!!

Anonymous said...

six isn't so bad.
mb

Cameron said...

I just had to....

Top 10!!!

Anna said...

Imagining a BSNYC zombie flick...hundreds of spandex-clad undead impaled on the shards of their mavic rims, bits of spokes stuck in their eye sockets...

firSSt said...

genius.

leroy said...

Anon 12:11 --

Don't you mean "CARP"?

BSNYC -

That was funny, so kelp me Cod!

I'll drive my salmon colored barracuda down the pike to the Williamsburg Bridge to catch your act.

And I'll turn down the AM/FM tuna so I can hear the band, of course.

Commiecanuk said...

Kraft's motto should be, "We know practically as much about making aero wheels as Zipp"

I use Velveeta to fill in the dimples, and Cheese Whiz as an excellent tubular tire sealant.

I podium, anonymii all all known dopers.

flynn said...

i once bunny hopped a beached humpback

Anonymous said...

"dustbunnies of brand cheerleading and misinformation formed around tiny particles of actual truth"

Hahahaha!

bother yam said...

"Enough of me talking about myself, I'd like to hear you talk about me for a while..."

Scott said...

It's official: BSNYC has officially declared that he's going to jump the shark!

Commiecanuk said...

Ok, so "jumping the shark" is now kinda dated. I remember being on edge the whole summer worrying of the Fonze would make it, the stress was incredible. Then there was his motorcycle jump..that f-ing show drove me to Paxil and my current hard lifestyle.

Perhaps you need to learn from the computer gaming industry, plan to quit two years from now, but meanwhile, make crappy, stripped down posts as "BSNYC:Prologue" until you figure out how to quit the blog in a blaze of pornographic glory. But please, quit before you become the David Letterman of fixie bloggers, and for the last post, make sure it really, really sucks - a la Seinfield, then a few years later, go on a racist rant in Thompson park.

Meanwhile, I'm now out on 7th avenue with a breadboard..."the end is neigh, repent".

Cameron said...

Anyone who says this blog is now boring has probably never tried to produce quality content 5 days a week! This blog-pimpin' ain't easy!

So Snob, when you do finally sign off, will you announce it in a final post, so that your minions can morn your passing? Or will you just go to lunch one day and decide you don't feel like writing anymore?

It's the whole "...is it better to burn out or to fade away?" conundrum.

I assure you, regardless of the quality of your posts, you will aways have the
Comment Racing League.

Jim said...

Tomoorrow's guest-blogger: Ted McGinley and his DeRosa fixed gear.

Ps: the term 'jump the shark' has totally jumped the shark.

upperclass said...

I always enjoy the silly things the lower-middleclass do to entertain themselves.

Jim said...

BTW, Cipo riding briefly for Rock Racing, creating a media frenzy and a bit of cash for Cipo - a sad case of shark jumping?

Discuss.

Anonymous said...

Cipo is shark jumping...

FunkyLaneO said...

I remember it like it was yesterday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpraJYnbVtE

Anonymous said...

haha. i used to live down the street from that shark-in-the-roof. hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Hey, if you really want to make this cube blogging-palooza event a semi-smash hit; Consider perusing Craigs List while you are in cube-spension and then posting snarky commentary on the dorky looking bikes advertised there. Why not go all the way over the top and have it be about fixed gear bikes?

Might as well incorporate some mad creativity along with the marketing hype.

Yr Pal Dr Codfish

Anonymous said...

http://harobikes.com/bmx/news/article/612/Slaughterama/
this is terrible.

leroy said...

Bertha, at 40-something the oldest shark at the New York Aquarium on Coney Island, passed away yesterday.

A moment of silence please.

She will be missed by her chum.

erik k said...

I love your new branding directions snob, its good to see a fresh new approach in light the looming American recession

Cameron said...

How does one dispose of a shark? They must have a really big toilet?

le_mous said...

Oh dude.. I was SO all into this, until I saw, "(And he might be nude.)"...Somehow the concept of BSNYC teabaggin' a shark is just not valued entertainment.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have often wondered just how the Snob does it: quality posts day after day. Most are great. Some are merely good. Only on rare occassion does he lay an egg, and for those, somebody else will undoubtedly consider that his finest post ever.
Then he finds time to monitor (and sometimes police) the comment board as well.
Pissing away time on this blog is one of my favorite indulgences, and if it goes away, I will miss the circus immensely.
My advice for when the time comes to throw in the towel is to hold a combined "going out of business" and "reveal" party. Invite all posters to a ballroom in midtown Manhattan. Each of us would wear a big sign around our necks with our "handle," so we could place a face with a comment history. Now for the hard part. When it comes time to reveal your true identity, you must convince Henry Kissinger, or the Dali Lama, or Howard Stern, or Jessica Simpson to show up claiming to be you.
And that would be that.

Anonymous said...

Don't leave, Snob! How will I find out what bikes to make fun of without you?

Anonymous said...

sweet!

thefutureofamerica said...

'jumping the shark' was when Michelob Ultra was announced as the presenting sponsor of my team, Big Shark Racing, at our weekly plyometrics class.

I swear, you couldn't write this crap.

bikesgonewild said...

...pretty much what wishiwasmerckx said...

cutty said...

snob probably has a book deal already people. the guy doesn't need us anymore.

thefutureofamerica said...

Sorry, 'Michelob Ultra Big Shark Racing'. For when you have to get drunk and skinny, there's no substitute short of bulimia.

Christopher said...

BSNYC-

It's now called 'Jumping the Couch,' and there's a great article about it here: http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Jump_The_Shark

BTW, great post. I'm hoping you can make a repeat performance in San Francisco where 'The Wiggle' crosses Haight.

MOOSEKNUCKLE said...

Snob, keep the blog alive, or perhaps you won't be! "They mostly come at night, mostly."

Now I just hope I can find that episode of Happy Days on Youtube.

Anonymous said...

There just jealous. They wish they where smart enough to even have a chance to jump shark.

Anonymous said...

Don't go.

Commiecanuk said...

I was thinking along the same lines as "wishiwasmerckx", except actually meeting BSNYC or the commentors could be like cybersex...sometimes you need to keep the fantasy alive without knowing that "hotCandy321" is really a 400lb 52 year old shut-in named Phil.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BTW, the only beverage served at the soiree would be "La Fin Du Monde" smuggled across the border by Commiecanuck.

AH said...

BikeSnob is dead. Long live BikeSnob!

AH said...

"'hotCandy321' is really a 400lb 52 year old shut-in named Phil"

Shit, commiecanuck is on to me...

Anonymous said...

I thought Judi was actually a 400lb 52yo shut-in named Phil.

Christopher said...

Phil's only 49, and you're hurting 'his' feelings.

ka_jun said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kZ7ia9yUFU

Man...how I love youtube. Bring on more Ned's Atomic Dustbin vids! Woo!

daddo.one said...

Shouldn't we be replacing the phrase "jump the shark" with "winning the TDF seven times"?
I remember it like it was yesterday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kif_S8wwRRs

Anonymous said...

ditto wishiwasmerckx 1:10pm

I'll really miss you if you throw in the towel Snobbie. June is only 2 months away.

Anonymous said...

Lardy I love this place... Snob, when it goes away, I will be sad, a little more productive perhaps, but mainly just sad...

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob,

Will THE BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!! be the first of many farewell performances?

Gabriel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

We're so spoiled, BSNYC! Can't you just take the summer off? Or cut way back on your hours? Your devotees would still be thrilled with just a few precious crumbs; in fact, we might even worship you even more.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Perhaps the midtown send-off could be underwritten by Mavic, including donating a pair of carbon-straw-spoked wheels as a doorprize. I am sure that Triathelete Magazine would be a proud and generous sponsor as well.

Cameron said...

wishiwasmerckx--

Who will MC this event?

Ryan Seacrest?
Carson Daily?
Jon Stuart?
Woopie Goldberg?

Gabriel said...

Good God, Bike Snob, you can not end your blogging until your work in this world is complete. I foresee a future in which it will not be possible for a technicolored street clown to do a track stand at a traffic light without a car full of teenagers yelling, "DORK!" as they pass by. We're at the tipping point. You've covered the circus tent in gasoline. For god's sake light the match

quaffimodo said...

what Gabriel said. And dustbunnies. Dustbunnies was good.

KanyonKris said...

Maybe the Snob could go into syndication and we could subsist on re-runs - making new snarky comments to old posts. Nah, wouldn't be the same. This juice needs to be freshly squeezed.

Blog on Snob!

mr.complaint said...

I have bunny hopped a dyslexic carp.

Butt, Please wear the pants.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Cameron, it would take a lot of work, but I would like to see Prolly's disembodied moustache emcee the event.

ka_jun said...

Wait a second...is the impending apocalypse closer than we may have imagined?

Anonymous said...

Pedestal!!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Re: Prolly's moustache. I meant on a giant black screen, not unlike the credits for The Rocky Horror Picture Show, not that the moustache itself would walk around, although with enough moustache wax and some fishing wire, we could make that happen, too.

bikesgonewild said...

...well, well, well...come june, whether it ends w/ a whimper, a bang or a steaming pile in a plexiglas cube over the williamsburg bridge bike path, you've not only pushed the peleton of on-line cycling sites into oxygen debt, but i dare say you out-kicked their whinny little heinies at the line, on your custom made 'blogger' bike...

...no photo finish needed...a clearcut, zip up the bsnyc jersey, hands in the air, look to the heavens & smile victory...

...you may have created this blog as an under trained, inexperienced cat 4 on a borrowed fix gear bike but you've not only risen to the PRO ranks, bikesnob, when the time comes for stripping off that formfitting skinsuit of insolence & mockery, you will do so as a champion of the 'sport'...

...perhaps as your 'on-bike' illustrious championship career winds down, we might see you as "bikesnob consultant nyc" w/ a labcoat, a clipboard, horn rim glasses & a zabriske-esque porn moustache, offering whatever advice your fecund & erudite mind chooses to grace those who are in need...

...the ride ain't over yet, so i'll hold off to see what the future brings but as of now, i raise my glass...

Nick said...

Snobarino:

You have made quite a few remarks concerning your apparent disdain for pants. Is there something you need to tell us?

On the blog front. Maybe you could pull a Howard Stern and make it so we have to pay for your humor (fueld by emotional pain as good humor always is, of course).

Nick

Bluenoser said...

Hey,

Maybe upperclass can fly all of us out of towners in on his pretend jet.

-B

OpenYourEyes said...

Snob, do you need a hug?

agentdetroit said...

openyoureyes

apparently, he's just not comfortable with that

BikeSnobNYC said...

OpenYourEyes,

I get all Rain Man-y when people try to hug me.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

"...take solace in the fact that this blog’s days in its present form are definitely numbered, and the end is in sight. (Though I just haven’t figured out exactly where to put the decimal place yet.)"

Not bored and can take no solace in the pending conclusion. But do wonder about the new form & the decimal reference--What new form might I be paying for?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:03pm,

You'd pay for this?!? That changes everything!

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

But i only found you last week and i only found fixed gears last month. Don't go...

Here in Italy, it aint cool yet and i thought i could get in early...but if you go and leave me now...well...I just don't know if i could go on with it all.

Although it would be easy enough....I cant find the pissen wheels for it anyway, and all the reruns Kanyonkris (2:45) was speaking of would be new for me.

Jimmyveneto

bikesgonewild said...

...whoa, leroy, i have a feeling you were already putting the building blocks in place for the support group we're all gonna need, but hold up a minute...

...seems if a little filthy lucre changes hands, bikeslutnyc just might stay posting, to the joy of us all...

...whoa again, there's a freudian skid, i meant to say bikesnobnyc...my bad...

Anonymous said...

Hoss saw the leprechaun long before Fonzie jumped the shark,

William Zabka said...

What are you losers going to do when Bikesnob goes away? Guess you might actually have to get outside and ride a bike!!

Seriously, I'd be bored as hell after writing a blog for a couple of year and listen to a bunch of whiney-asses comment on it.

Get over it, douche bags

- Billy

BTD said...

I BOUGHT MY COLNAGO FROM ANDREW MUZI. THAT IS ALL.

LanterneRouge said...

The best post are the craigs list monstrosities. They put me in mind of my other favorite site hotchickswithdouchebags.com, but without the hot chicks.

Anonymous said...

ok snob, have to admit i'm looking fwd to you finally packing it in (assuming this isnt april fools part deux). but - and its probably been mentioned elsewhere - kudos to you on getting a good quotation in velonews. well done. enjoy the ride

TGB said...

So it seems that Snob is setting himself up for the greatest piece of performance art in internet cycling blog history.

Anonymous said...

http://www.competitivecyclist.com/za/CCY?PAGE=PRODUCT&PRODUCT.ID=4531

Discuss.

dayglo-schmayglo said...

better to jump the shark than to bunnyhop on a landshark

Otis said...

“Your Cluelessness is Our Resurrection”

Truly a fine moto.

grumpy shop guy said...

Hurry up and shut this site down. This site is costing me way too much money in staff downtime while they stand around the computer each morning seeing what it is we must ridicule next. I know I could block the site, but then what would I do when I want to goof off and read 100 comments.

Anonymous said...

as a regular anonymous poster I must insist you continue to post at least until the Apocalypse comes to pass.

the pistadex is not low enough....

The Llama has not given the proper signs yet....

at least post until 2012 when the Mayan calendar says the world will go apeshit and all the other stuff that's supposed to happen will happen that the guy at the public library told me about.

Yes, perhaps the clamped Mavic drinking straw spoked wheel that implodes (because good lord, anyone who has ever idly chewed on a drinking straw knows that clamping bit is a bad idea and not just because its not true-able) is a sign of our impending doom and weakness, but really, in this world of hideous grammar and run on sentences, we must perservere until we perish or conquer. And I'm not saying that just because i'm drunk.


It's a moral imperative.

Andy Pandy said...

In the words of the one true rock god ( but does not want to be one , Neil Young) It is better to burn out than it is to rust. Perhaps a little more staged, the wire can fray, slowly, dropping the Cube onto the roadways, rolling tip over tip creating a spray of sparks, to finally ram through the front facade of the Galapagos Bar killing all inside leaving a wake of crushed fixies as ghost bikes

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, please actually do this and reveal yourself in the process. It would be SO much more awesome than just some dork in a bike shop figuring you out.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my, god, you've been hired by Roadale Press!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, you must REALLY want a book deal! Badly!

666 said...

bsnyc, is straightXedge vegan life around the corner for you as well?

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Jorgenson said...

Imagining a BSNYC zombie flick...hundreds of spandex-clad undead impaled on the shards of their mavic rims, bits of spokes stuck in their eye sockets...

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