Them's The Rules: Monocle of Reality, Mastering Your Domain

As of this morning, submissions to The First (and Last) Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award, generously sponsored by Just Coffee Cooperative (who have not and will not take advantage of humble, hardworking growers of coffee, unlike Starbucks with their Junta-run Frappuccino plantations) continue to flood my inbox like urine in a triathlete's wetsuit. Unfortunately, none of these submissions are eligible for prizes, since they came after the deadline and I take perverse pleasure in enforcing meaningless rules to the letter. (I would have made a great religious fundamentalist.) Yes, if your submission did not manage to limbo dance itself under the wire at midnight on Friday night (or technically Saturday morning), I will not consider it--even if it was excellent, like this one from Australia:

Those are indeed speakers duct-taped to a piece of wood, and I wish I could consider it for a prize, but unfortunately it didn't come until this morning. (In fact, considering the vast time difference between New York and Sydney, I don't think I'll actually receive this submission until sometime next Tuesday.) I'm not sure what purpose the speakers actually serve, but from what I know about Australia kangaroo attacks are a big problem there, so the rider probably uses it to broadcast some kind of audio kangaroo deterrent. Or, it could be that he rides around blasting the greatest hits of Australian supergroup Midnight Oil, which consists entirely of this single song, and which also happens to be a pretty effective kangaroo deterrent. Incidentally, Midnight Oil vocalist Peter Garrett is now a member of Australian Parliament, which came as quite a surprise to me--not because he was in a rock band, but because I had no idea that Australia had a parliament or indeed any government of any kind. (I always thought "Australian Parliament" was just a euphemism for an Aussie rules football riot.)

In any case, please know that my fascistic enforcement of the contest rules is not limited to Australians--in fact, I even apply it to myself. As it happens, on Saturday I spotted a sublime cockpit right here in Brooklyn, though since the contest deadline had passed I instantly disqualified myself:

Obviously, flop-and-chop handlebars require much less bar tape than the un-neutered variety, so even after wrapping the bars and the stem (the makers of the "Stemie" are not getting this person's money, nosiree) there was still some tape left over, hence the DayGlo taintal protection strip on the top tube. However, to fully appreciate this bicycle, you must consider the gestalt, for it also features a velveteen saddle and seatpost:

Clearly this rider is a wrapping enthusiast, and may even be the artist Christo himself.

("The world is my baked potato." --Christo)

Also, right near the Christo bike was this Bianchi Pista, which was unremarkable of cockpit (apart from its diminutive width) but noteworthy because all of its decals appeared to have been removed with fire:

(Pista Flambée)

It saddened me to see this scorched Pista, for its charred state summarized for me how fall the Pista has fallen. Whereas once the Pista commanded "epic" prices, now its owners are so filled with shame that they take torch to tubing and attempt to mutilate them beyond recognition. I only hope that the owner of this Pista did not commit such an atrocious act of cruelty, and that he is instead one of the many compassionate people now involved in Pista rescue.

Speaking of atrocious acts, it would appear that an off-duty police officer may have pulled a gun on a cyclist:

As a person who takes pleasure in enforcing meaningless rules to the letter and who appreciates law and order (the social state, not the TV show), I am afflicted with cognitive dissonance when it comes to the police, in that I like them and continue to want to respect them and give them the benefit of the doubt even when almost every encounter I've ever had with them has been unpleasant. In this sense I'm sort of like those Mavic wheelset owners who post in forums about how "bulletproof" their wheels are--apart from the howler monkey Ksyrium freehub screech and occasional R-Sys explosion, of course. In fact, pretty much the only pleasant experiences I've ever had with the police have been the ones in which I've actually broken the law--they tend to be very friendly when they're giving you a summons. Otherwise, most of my police interactions have left me feeling humiliated in some way, which seems like exactly the opposite of how it should be. If the staff at the Gap treated shoplifters well but stuck guns in paying customers' faces they'd have gone out of business ages ago, yet the same approach to customer service seems to work quite well for the police department. (Actually, for the Gap to really be like the police department they'd also have to give the shoplifters the paying cusomers' money.) Consequently, it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to maintain my self-delusion, and this story isn't helping.

Fortunately, though, I haven't run into any rogue cops this weekend--or Jake Gyllenhaal for that matter, even though he was apparently riding in Brookyn not too long ago:

Bike riding Jake Gyllenhaal on Flatbush Avenue - 33 (BKLYN)
Date: 2010-10-16, 8:12PM EDT

Yes, bike riding Jake Gyllenhaal - I saw you. You gave me the up and down look as you rode your bike by me on the sidewalk on Flatbush Avenue. Brooklyn last Monday, October 11th. I was headed to the gym. You were riding towards Prospect Park.
We made eye contact. You're extremely cute!
I'm a really nice, hard working girl (a professional chef) who cleans up really nice and could likely pass at one of those Oscar after parties as your date. As I'm not a movie star, perhaps I could provide new topics of conversation that might interest you?
I'm available. Write me!

If you're unfamiliar with "Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal," he is an action figure who should not be confused with "Grocery Shopping Jake Gyllenhaal" or "Flamethrowing Jake Gyllenhaal." Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal is made of durable plastic, is completely posable, and is fun for all ages. Here's Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal wearing Rapha and riding a Trek (all Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal parts and accessories sold separately):


I should have known Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal was in town, since as you may know I am in possession of his actual pie plate, and I did notice on the Monday in question that it was vibrating slightly. Here it is, albeit in a resting, non-vibratory state:

And here it is restraining my plastic monster creature, which were it not for the mystical properties of Jake Gyllenhaal's pie plate would at this very moment be laying waste to the Earth:


Of course, in addition to incapacitating deadly monsters, Jake Gyllenhaal's pie plate is also an oracle of sorts, in that looking through it at something can reveal the truth. In this sense it is my "Monocle of Reality." For example, over the weekend I used it to watch that awful "hipster motorpacing" video from Friday's quiz:

SEABASE 83 MOTORPACE from YUHZIMI Ltd. on Vimeo.

This is the video where that same saddlebag from the Stelvio "hillbombing" video pulls his fixie out of a giant expensive truck:

Spins frantically behind it for awhile to the strains of some tired Bathory ripoff:

And then lies about how fast he was going:


Anyway, watching it through the Monocle of Reality shows it for what it really is:



Better soundtrack, too.