Monday, October 18, 2010

Them's The Rules: Monocle of Reality, Mastering Your Domain

As of this morning, submissions to The First (and Last) Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award, generously sponsored by Just Coffee Cooperative (who have not and will not take advantage of humble, hardworking growers of coffee, unlike Starbucks with their Junta-run Frappuccino plantations) continue to flood my inbox like urine in a triathlete's wetsuit. Unfortunately, none of these submissions are eligible for prizes, since they came after the deadline and I take perverse pleasure in enforcing meaningless rules to the letter. (I would have made a great religious fundamentalist.) Yes, if your submission did not manage to limbo dance itself under the wire at midnight on Friday night (or technically Saturday morning), I will not consider it--even if it was excellent, like this one from Australia:

Those are indeed speakers duct-taped to a piece of wood, and I wish I could consider it for a prize, but unfortunately it didn't come until this morning. (In fact, considering the vast time difference between New York and Sydney, I don't think I'll actually receive this submission until sometime next Tuesday.) I'm not sure what purpose the speakers actually serve, but from what I know about Australia kangaroo attacks are a big problem there, so the rider probably uses it to broadcast some kind of audio kangaroo deterrent. Or, it could be that he rides around blasting the greatest hits of Australian supergroup Midnight Oil, which consists entirely of this single song, and which also happens to be a pretty effective kangaroo deterrent. Incidentally, Midnight Oil vocalist Peter Garrett is now a member of Australian Parliament, which came as quite a surprise to me--not because he was in a rock band, but because I had no idea that Australia had a parliament or indeed any government of any kind. (I always thought "Australian Parliament" was just a euphemism for an Aussie rules football riot.)

In any case, please know that my fascistic enforcement of the contest rules is not limited to Australians--in fact, I even apply it to myself. As it happens, on Saturday I spotted a sublime cockpit right here in Brooklyn, though since the contest deadline had passed I instantly disqualified myself:

Obviously, flop-and-chop handlebars require much less bar tape than the un-neutered variety, so even after wrapping the bars and the stem (the makers of the "Stemie" are not getting this person's money, nosiree) there was still some tape left over, hence the DayGlo taintal protection strip on the top tube. However, to fully appreciate this bicycle, you must consider the gestalt, for it also features a velveteen saddle and seatpost:

Clearly this rider is a wrapping enthusiast, and may even be the artist Christo himself.


Also, right near the Christo bike was this Bianchi Pista, which was unremarkable of cockpit (apart from its diminutive width) but noteworthy because all of its decals appeared to have been removed with fire:

(Pista Flambée)

It saddened me to see this scorched Pista, for its charred state summarized for me how fall the Pista has fallen. Whereas once the Pista commanded "epic" prices, now its owners are so filled with shame that they take torch to tubing and attempt to mutilate them beyond recognition. I only hope that the owner of this Pista did not commit such an atrocious act of cruelty, and that he is instead one of the many compassionate people now involved in Pista rescue.

Speaking of atrocious acts, it would appear that an off-duty police officer may have pulled a gun on a cyclist:

As a person who takes pleasure in enforcing meaningless rules to the letter and who appreciates law and order (the social state, not the TV show), I am afflicted with cognitive dissonance when it comes to the police, in that I like them and continue to want to respect them and give them the benefit of the doubt even when almost every encounter I've ever had with them has been unpleasant. In this sense I'm sort of like those Mavic wheelset owners who post in forums about how "bulletproof" their wheels are--apart from the howler monkey Ksyrium freehub screech and occasional R-Sys explosion, of course. In fact, pretty much the only pleasant experiences I've ever had with the police have been the ones in which I've actually broken the law--they tend to be very friendly when they're giving you a summons. Otherwise, most of my police interactions have left me feeling humiliated in some way, which seems like exactly the opposite of how it should be. If the staff at the Gap treated shoplifters well but stuck guns in paying customers' faces they'd have gone out of business ages ago, yet the same approach to customer service seems to work quite well for the police department. (Actually, for the Gap to really be like the police department they'd also have to give the shoplifters the paying cusomers' money.) Consequently, it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to maintain my self-delusion, and this story isn't helping.

Fortunately, though, I haven't run into any rogue cops this weekend--or Jake Gyllenhaal for that matter, even though he was apparently riding in Brookyn not too long ago:

Bike riding Jake Gyllenhaal on Flatbush Avenue - 33 (BKLYN)
Date: 2010-10-16, 8:12PM EDT

Yes, bike riding Jake Gyllenhaal - I saw you. You gave me the up and down look as you rode your bike by me on the sidewalk on Flatbush Avenue. Brooklyn last Monday, October 11th. I was headed to the gym. You were riding towards Prospect Park.
We made eye contact. You're extremely cute!
I'm a really nice, hard working girl (a professional chef) who cleans up really nice and could likely pass at one of those Oscar after parties as your date. As I'm not a movie star, perhaps I could provide new topics of conversation that might interest you?
I'm available. Write me!


If you're unfamiliar with "Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal," he is an action figure who should not be confused with "Grocery Shopping Jake Gyllenhaal" or "Flamethrowing Jake Gyllenhaal." Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal is made of durable plastic, is completely posable, and is fun for all ages. Here's Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal wearing Rapha and riding a Trek (all Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal parts and accessories sold separately):


I should have known Bike Riding Jake Gyllenhaal was in town, since as you may know I am in possession of his actual pie plate, and I did notice on the Monday in question that it was vibrating slightly. Here it is, albeit in a resting, non-vibratory state:

And here it is restraining my plastic monster creature, which were it not for the mystical properties of Jake Gyllenhaal's pie plate would at this very moment be laying waste to the Earth:


Of course, in addition to incapacitating deadly monsters, Jake Gyllenhaal's pie plate is also an oracle of sorts, in that looking through it at something can reveal the truth. In this sense it is my "Monocle of Reality." For example, over the weekend I used it to watch that awful "hipster motorpacing" video from Friday's quiz:

SEABASE 83 MOTORPACE from YUHZIMI Ltd. on Vimeo.

This is the video where that same saddlebag from the Stelvio "hillbombing" video pulls his fixie out of a giant expensive truck:

Spins frantically behind it for awhile to the strains of some tired Bathory ripoff:

And then lies about how fast he was going:


Anyway, watching it through the Monocle of Reality shows it for what it really is:



Better soundtrack, too.

82 comments:

Desert Rider said...

bah

Anonymous said...

1st!!!

Bad Lawyer said...

podium?

Desert Rider said...

huff huff huff

PawnShop said...

Meh.

Trekless Fred said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

Jaeger top 10?

Bad Lawyer said...

That pie plate fooled me, thought Jake G was cycling Cleveland for a sec.

Anonymous said...

Knee Ball E

Anonymous said...

woooo!

Nogocyclist said...

No comment

Anonymous said...

twelve ain't bad

cycle

Anonymous said...

eel20

PawnShop said...

samh must be taking a dump or something.

Anonymous said...

:) top 15!

DoNotReact said...

welcome to red hook, bikesnob

crosspalms said...

1st in Australia?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

PawnShop said...

"you were riding a black fixed gear no-name frame with a white seat post. Plaid shirt, chrome bag."
'Cuz "Skinny Fixie Boy" isn't generic enough.

Anonymous said...

Damn it pieplate!! Had a shot at the podium except noooo I had to shop online for a new one, I am such a douche..

Anonymous said...

::thumbs up::

Paul said...

how fall the Pista has fallen

eh?

streepo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Top 30 ladies. C'mon!

streepo said...

The monkey must have been really misbehaving.
He was slapping his own monkey.

Klaus Mohn said...

Never has a Youtube video made me ride the rollercoaster from hilarity to anguish/sadness so fast, and with such an impressive soundtrack. It's like watching Michael Haneke's home videos.

Anonymous said...

dang
-frye

leroy said...

Oh puh-leeze.

Everybody knows "Australian Parliament" is a Funkadelic tribute band.

Honestly, how gullible do I look?

Anonymous said...

I am so dressing up as Peter Garrett for Halloween this year! Maybe even throw a mattress out on the front lawn and set it on fire.

"In the end the rain comes down,
Washes clean, the streets of a blue sky town."

mikeweb said...

That cop certainly knows the deal. Lie your ass off if there's no video. Actually, even if there is.

grog said...

Vito?

Astroluc said...

Monday aint my fun-day...

Anonymous said...

i thought it was really cool of Jake G NOT to be spotted in that photo with a Jared Leto edition 6.9 Madone sporting Di2 although he easily could have. classy.

bikesgonewild said...

...oh, lord...i hope this doesn't inspire a spate of reader submitted "monkey see, monkey do" videos...

...prepare for an ugly look through the 'momocle of reality' with a rash of "see, bsnyc/rtms, i'm mastering my domain !!!"...

3G said...

Maybe the officer just cleaned his vehicle, and, knowing the penchant for hipsters to NOT shower, he did not want a layer of grime on his windowsill.

What the rider SHOULD have done is place his foot on the ground, and, stand...self supported. Granted, they may have trouble since they can't support themselves at all.

Anonymous said...

Ah, post Midnight Oil careers. How about bassplayer Peter Gifford going into the "clothing" business (possibly NSF):

http://wickedweasel.com/en-us

Anonymous said...

So, did the monkey video have a "happy ending?" I am certainly unwilling to wait 1:41 to find out.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thank goodness that you did not list the "Brokeback Mountain" Jake Gyllenhaal action figure.

10,000 Aches said...

Ouch! I tryed to look through my pie plate but forgot to remove the wheel.

CommieCanuck said...

Oh, thank god for the masturbating monkey, I was worried this blog was getting too high-brow for it's britches.

Bad news Snob, Jake Gylennahhhal used that pie plate to "practice" for his role in "Brokeback Mountain".

Anonymous said...

Not surprising that Jake Gyllenhaal rides on the side walk. Maybe it is research for a new Hollywood blockbuster.

Justine Valinotti said...

Jake Gylenhall is an action figure who smokes Australian Parliaments. When the chef-girl opened up her pie plate him, he Pista-ed in his pants. They both got their decals burned.

Just your typical hipster-meets-fixie story.

Anonymous said...

the make-shift 'bar-tape-pants-yabbies-protector' of the first bike in the post is clearly constructed from the lengths supplied to wrap the brake-lever mounts...

hillbilly said...

I think NWA said it best.

samh said...

Was hoping for gratuitous display of Cockie material today. Alas, I'll settle for and enjoy commentary on police officers and celebrities.

ringcycles said...

I'm certain Vito had a hand in posting that last video

southpole said...

dude, that's lame. did you see the video with the monkey using a frog to "bate"? i wonder what the fixie video equivalent to that one would be...

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

The Paying Cucumbers said...

paying cusomer's

AEAEEEA AEEAEEAEAEE said...

That's Jk Gyllnhll? Wait, where'd the vowels go? aeeaaa.

That's better.

brighton velo said...

You let Jake-off too easily.
1. sunglasses under helmet strap
2. hairy commuter legs
3. bike shorts, not bibs
4. arm warmers should be put on before jersey
5. tri socks or some kind of running person sockie things

And not knowing how long his ride is, those huge bottles seem a little much. Don't people hydrate before riding to their auditions?

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh, how my gullibility has been exposed! You mean the motopacing fixie guy in the hoodie wasn't going 50 mph?!? But his legs were moving soooooo fast!

Anonymous said...

Im going to use Jakey's pie plate to KILL the Stillwell pheasant.

Anonymous said...

Ironically (of course), the Midnight Oil video is blocked by Vevo in Australia.

Test Tickle said...

QUOR THON

balls.

Anonymous said...

56th!

Its dangerous business walking... said...

Um. if he was riding a bike with GEARS he could do that same thing without pedaling as fast... Whaoh!

Bobby said...

Snob!! Having the day off, I'm enjoying being the lanterne rouge this afternoon. I think your entry today is podium material, for sure.

Now, a wee bit of cycling related happenstance for you to enjoy. I scared the dog laughing my ass off at this find. I searched for the Mavic El Explodo Deluxe wheel you mentioned, via Bing, and went to CompetitiveCyclist. What happened, after clicking the link for Reviews?

It's worthy of an RTMS moment.


http://www.competitivecyclist.com/road-bikes/review-frame/Which-Cerv%E9lo-is-right-for-you-.RSS_796.html

(Please note! The URL shows what happened in Bing- the link is wrong, having nothing to do with Cervelo of course.) I must tip the chapeau to Competitive Cyclist for their wonderful 404 Error page. Did someone have the questionable crabon wheel in the lead?

Hey, we're all human, and things do break, sometimes catastrophically, I guess. I like Mavic, just a little less reliance on that crabon at such a critical point.

John and Emmy said...

I asked Lennard Zinn what to do about my Ksyrium screech and he never answered me. Must be a Velonews-Mavic conspiracy.

Barney said...

Joe Carrasco had a TexMex new wave band called Joe "King" Carrasco and the Crowns. Back in the day.

Mythbuttsters said...

Fixters cannot pedal 50mph and cannot pedal cross country; cross a county at the most.

Anonymous said...

For that fixie guy to ride at 83kmph and have a 100 - 120 rpm he would need at least a 64x11.

bike snob was right!

ringcycles said...

screeeech

Was that a Mavic wheelset?,

or Charles "mile a minute" Murphy pedaling 200rpm cadence in his grave.

ringcycles said...

anon: 6:49, its possible that he could hit 51 mph with a 48x12, if he could turn 170rpm for more than 10 seconds, and safely spin it back down.

Historical note, when Charles Murphy drafted to 60 mph behind a rigged steam train on a fixed gear bike, it nearly killed him. He was one of the best sprinters of his time, when bike racing was more popular and lucrative in American than baseball.

dux said...

fixed? It seems there will not be a further generation
of these riders if they are fixed.
I mean really......

dux said...

fixed? It seems there will not be a further generation
of these riders if they are fixed.
I mean really......

e23 said...

Cops treat criminals better because criminals ARE their customers. Without crime, they wouldn't have a job.

So cops are respectful of criminals, and do their best to convert everyone into lawbreakers too. It IS like The Gap.

Anonymous said...

Check out Jake's furry legs. Poser!

cyclotourist said...

Forget the decals flambée, what's up with the foot long seat post on that Pista?

Is that a foot long seat post or are you happy to see me?

Anonymous said...

That flambé can't be good. Metallugically speaking, I mean.

Samuel said...

bit too rough on australia for my liking. at least they have genuine political choice including at least one socially progressive party, unlike two-party state USA

Anonymous said...

Re: Bathory ripp-off, did he ride down to Asa Bay?

tom said...

jake has chain cross

CommieCanuck said...

I asked Lennard Zinn what to do about my Ksyrium screech and he never answered me. Must be a Velonews-Mavic conspiracy.

You need to ask him in the context of tubulars, or tire pressures. Velonews readers are simply confounded by a rubber sack filled with air.

Anonymous said...

I am finally ready to travel down state and try riding in the city thanks to the NY Times who provided a free lesson!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57qa8ZzoA-w&feature=channel

Who knew that picking up stuff without dismounting could be so important. Thank you internet for reducing my ignorance again!

@brighton - He showed up with nice new clothes and bike. Shaved legs could only have raised his Fred Factor.

The Chort said...

Saw a bunch of nu-freds here in Poughkeepsie getting back on the train with their bikes and messenger bags on Sunday. Please keep them down there. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Tuesday, 19 october, its lunch time and I need my daily bikesnob reading now!
Come on snob, jeez.

Stiveau said...

Okay,now you're making fresh, penetrating observations about the police. We need to get you a Pulitzer!

Anonymous said...

Those are apes, not monkeys.

Monkeys have instruments, though they do not know how to play them.

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Fixie Bikes said...

Is that a felt seat?

Juan Marcellus said...

welcome to red hook, bikesnob