Monday, March 9, 2009

Intimidation: Betraying Looks, Expressive Calves

Celebrities often have stylists who shop for them and dress them. As image-makers, they never know when a camera will find them, so they must look good at all times. Unfortunately, though, celebrities do not hire bicycle stylists, because if they did Jake Gyllenhaal would not be rocking a pie plate on his Madone:

Gyllenhaal is also wearing a Ralpha Classic Sportwool jersey. According to their website, "a good jersey is an indispensable workhorse, performing multiple roles; protecting from the elements, carrying important cargos (from tools and valuables to food), regulating body temperature for maximum performance on the bike." Wow, who knew! They also cover your chest and nipples, the description fails to add. So it's nice to see that Gyllenhaal is using both an indispensable workhorse and a disposable dork disc (or "nerd rotor"). It also picks up the sun nicely, as does his leg hair.

Anyway, brokeback pie plate aside, it's good to see Gyllenhaal out riding on what appears to be a lovely day. He does appear to be eyeing something in the distance with considerable concern though. Could it be an oncoming vehicle? I don't think so. No, any true cyclist knows what that look means. It's a look of fear. Even Gyllenhaal's Oakleys cannot mask the fact that Gyllenhaal has spotted another rider who is clearly his superior in every way: stronger; faster; better-equipped. He's so intimidated that he's probably about to wet his Rapha shorts. And there's only one rider who can inspire that sort of fear. The Lone Wolf.

I happen to know that the Lone Wolf was on the prowl in the Los Angeles area recently, because a reader managed to get some photographs of him in flight:

Gyllenhaal may be a talented actor who can convincingly play a bubble boy, but even he can't keep his face from betraying his true feelings when he encounters cycling greatness:

And this is clearly no casual jaunt for the Lone Wolf, either. He has no less than six bottles of water in his Profile bottle holders, with a seventh in his jersey pocket for good measure. Dehydration shall not find the Lone Wolf. He also doesn't need to be swaddled in Rapha like some sort of simpering manchild. His own jersey carries his "important cargos" just fine--including the most important "cargos" of all, his Discman. He's also left the Lance Armstrong-autographed singlespeed Lotus time trial bike back at the lair, opting instead for a mountain bike complete with wheel cover, kickstand, and front fairing.

And while Gyllenhaal fears the Lone Wolf, pro cyclist- turned-celebrity-turned celebrity pro cyclist Lance Armstrong fears the Lone Wolf's sworn enemy and arch-rival Bart Kaufman, owner of the World's Greatest Madone:

Armstrong fears him so much that he's even attempting to "bite" Kaufman's flat-bar style:

Armstrong's even copied Kaufman's saddle choice, but the lack of carbon tubular wheels, foot retention, and a rack is glaringly obvious. I'm sure Kaufman's unconcerned, since all he'll be seeing of Armstrong is a quick glimpse of him in his dual rear-views.

Speaking of intimidation, there are few things more intimidating than rapping. So when a street-credulous hip-hop artist combines both cycling and rapping, you can bet the results are downright horrifying. Check out this "joint" by Canadian rapper Abdominal (né Andy Bernstein) which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Abdominal's "Pedal Pusher" even includes the lyric "slip on the Discman," which is an obvious "shout out" to the Lone Wolf. Moreover, Abdominal proves that he too does things his own way, since the yellow sticker on his front chainring can only mean that A-dom is a Shimano Biopace fan:

This will ensure that his pedal stroke is as smooth and effective as his rhymes. Still, Biopace isn't exactly dripping with "street cred," so one wonders if Abdominal is rubbing any tattoos in order to make up for it. It seems that tattoo trends have been changing, too. Sure, knuckle tattoos are still hot, as are tattoos that serve as references. Here's another such tattoo, which presumably helps the wearer remember that his lockring is reverse-threaded:

Lefty-tighty, righty-loosey, totally dorky.

But even the most dedicated knuckle tattoo fans have to admit that sometimes you can't reduce each and every sentiment to eight letters. That's why the latest tattoo fashion is to use the lower part of the leg instead:

Whereas with knuckle tattoos you sometimes find you need to drop letters, when using the lower leg you actually havee the luxury of adding letters for emphasis--note the inclusion of the extra "E."

But brevity can extend to the lower leg too. Here's another set of leg tattoos, forwarded by a reader, that would actually fit on the knuckles with a digit to spare:

Personally, I think it could use a few more "U"s.


Never Knows Best said...

Number one with a bullet?

panino said...

and I'm here too!

panino said...

and no one in sight....

Del & Sarah Wislocki said...


innerlighter said...

No man, Fuck you!

nice tat


Anonymous said...

top ten....

Anonymous said...

I love tatoo typos

Anonymous said...

West coast says "meh".

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


the jake gyllenahaal trek spotting broke on, the same site which just today brought us matt damon getting ready for a ride.

i'm surprised you missed it.

Critical Ass said...

It looks like "Single Sped" added TWO extra E's to his tat

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

je suis trieze

Anonymous said...

I am going have to be the first to say "shopped." The pic of the lock-ring tattoo is totally photoshopped.

I also think that Mr. SINGLE SPEEED's tat is just spray painted on with a stencil.

Anonymous said...

top 20! my best finish yet! and to think I was riding a Surly!

Anonymous said...

The Lone Wolf does appear to have a
"peg leg" on the right. Or maybe his calf was ripped off in a combine accident. I guess these days accidents like that are more likely to occur in recycling plants.

I apologize to the Lone Wolf for mocking his calf (calves) on February 27, 2009 at 3:04 PM, when he was known as Lotus Man. How did he go from "lone wolf" to Lone Wolf?

moonpies and rc said...

eff the everloving effers!

indeed said...

biopace rock da house!
bring on them bad tats, baby. it just further proves my point.

Anonymous said...


(ha ha, just kidding)

Surly Bastard said...


Kelvin Mulcky said...

Wolfman's bike is projecting a blue shadow. Where's the side view?!

jolene said...

i still have uses fer my single speed tatew but my man ricky hes got a directions for how to make a meth lab in a ryder van on his stumic boy howdy and i dont think that knock need jerk knwos the differnes

i seld my old roadmaster this last weekend and bot me a nicer bike its nice because i sold it fer 150 wen afer i painted it with gold to some mesickan i think but i need to get a new ride if anyones selling a treck or a specilised or a iron horse at anyplace near viper cus i want to go fast and ketch that red he cute in his jean shorts in summer

Anonymous said...

i would have been first to post but i took some time to myself for a little Matt Damon Spandex Appreciation time wiht my vibrating rabbit......holy cow that man is fabulous in those shorts!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

i would have been first to post but i took some time to myself for a little Matt Damon Spandex Appreciation time wiht my vibrating rabbit......holy cow that man is fabulous in those shorts!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

pardon, "treize"

wishiwasmerckx said...

1) Note to Andy Bernstein: The Jewish rapper thing is mostly covered by Matisyahu and the Beastie Boys.

2) They actually took a Trek crabon fiber and painted rust on it? WTF?

CommieCanuck said...

I'm proud of my witty leg tats, they say, "My other legs have bigger calves" of the left leg, and "I [heart] daschunds" on the right leg, right under "support the troops".

Economic recovery idea #23b: rub-on leg tats

(#23a was rub-on penis tats, but that got disgusting)

Doesn't RTMS watch "Prison Break?. What if you're in Chino, being threatened with sodomy by some big mass murderer unless you can rebuild his campy cassette?

Who's laughing then, bitter blog-boy.

kale said...

Bubble Boy's toesie-woesies need to have custom fitted shoes as well. I'm sure all those strenuous miles combined with the high wattage he rubs sure makes his metatarsals ache. Or he's just out of shape and rich.

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Disgruntl Ed. said...


ant1 said...


Pacificloon said...

Gyllenhaal, glasses under helmet straps. Uber-Fred!

shmaltz herring said...

I'm confused. I though Lenny Kosnowski was the "Lone Wolf."

broomie said...

Did abdmonial say something about rubbin' his nips on the frame?

Commie Canuck-very funny, ty

Jim said...

I'm impressed that any of you can manage an intelligent comment on these crabon fiber abuse victims. That somebody could do such things to an innocent high end bicycle shocks me. It's like they're trying to haze these poor bikes, or bully them...

red neckerson said...

hey jolene im thinking maybe yoou sholdnt gets rid of that dork disk i know i says lots of bad things about them but damm when you drop a chain into yor rear wheel going 25 it can be a relijus experience kinda like looking at yor tits you know what im saying

kale said...


Crabon is made of mostly fiber - like my turds.

ant1 said...

I really hope Red and Jolene are not the same person.

grog said...


cyclotourist said...

Wow Snob, damn good one.

I live in fear of the day the Lone Wolf and Wold Greatest Madone come into contact.


jolene said...

sometimes in the back of the cutlass we was but now ricky gits mad ant1 but now reds trying to be vandevelde and slip around and kill hissself i duno if i can take the hurt no more

Josh said...

re: bike-hop

i hated this jackass upon first listen:

but sadly it's growing on me, like some kind of knog or hpv -- har har

i STILL hate the fact that his "pimped out" myspace page locks up my poor browser.

there was another cat (is this still that right word for men who rap? i've old and uncool for a while) with a similar gimmick, but i can't remember his name.

on second thought, i bet this is old news.

Anonymous said...

Haven't I seen that bubble boy on some lesser blog somewhere?

Anonymous said...

nothing says "LOOSER" like a tattoo! and nothing says "PILE OF STEAMING SHIT LOOSER" like a crappy tattoo

Anonymous said...

Or, Somoeone who uses the word LOOSER instead of Loser...just sayin'....

Anonymous said...

or someone who puts extra O's in someone....I'm leaving now...

Anonymous said...


Mr T said...

Nothing says LOOSER like small minded, ignorant, conservatives hiding behind 'anons'.

Anonymous said...

nothing says looser like flowers

ant1 said...

maybe he meant looser as in more loose, as in (insert insult about soomeoone else's mom here).

ant1 said...

...and, by the way, we're all hiding behind the anonymity of the internet Mr T., which I doubt is your real name.

kale said...

I just realized that Jake's not skurred at all, he's more nonplussed. Which means that he saw RTMS salmoning down the street at him on the Ironic In-n-Out Burger Bike.


cyclotourist said...

E !

sendmeasnuggie said...

wow, btwn all the anons and mr. t, who somehow feels that is different than anon (and no, i don't feel that way about my plaintive plea), it's a banner fuckin day here on the comment board.

Mongo Pusher said...


John said...

Nothing says Looser like eating more fiber.

props to kale for first fiber comment.

Shram said...

Oh, and John is me, that was before I got myseff a fancy-schmancy google login.



Get offa my lawn!!! said...

Metamucil needs to sponsor the World's Greatest Madone.

Knufuckyoules said...

Lone wolf

Knufuckyoules said...


Knufuckyoules said...

asdf hjkl

Knufuckyoules said...

No prolly

Lamerthanfirst? said...


Knufuckyoules said...

oneb rake

Your conscious said...

Masturbation: self righteous posts, bullshit comments.

Knufuckyoules said...

masturbation: fuck yourself.

Kevinftmyers said...

Tell me about it...every time I cum here to post semen pours through the screen. I can only imagine what snobby's keyboard looks like. ... Just slAyin'

Anonymous said...


Bill & ted said...


Your conscious said...

The truth hurts. All you haters suck my balls.

Iluvwhatudo4me said...

Comedy. I love this blog. Thanks snob!

A to the knufuckyoulosis said...


Track fixed gear single speed said...

Bianchi pista for sale. Meet Me at the bottom of the Williamsburg bridge. I'll be practicing freestyle moves with prolly. Wish i had a beefier fork.

Eddie fiola said...

Right on bro!

m00sen said...

you should have used the equation one that i sent. that is totally "expressive"

Scott said...

I've begun to fear that the lone wolf and Kaufman are the third and fourth of the four horseman of the fixed gear apocalypse....

worm irks said...


bikesgonewild said...

...we need a sidebar comment section...

..."***bikedrivel nyc***"..."for the unrelated wag slaver that drools from the keyboards of the hipster masses"...

...just sayin'...

Bill said...

sure, rapha is overpriced as hell, and that suit they make is just stupid, BUT, in general, the stuff they make is really, really nice. c'mon snob, you love your cravat, non?

i tried on a jersey in cadence the other day that was way nicer than anything i ever owned (being too poor to afford rapha)...they really shouldn't let mudsoaked people who have been riding in the rain for 4 hours to try on jerseys....

red neckerson said...

i aint no stinking russian i dont even no who vandevelde is but i aint jolene thats for sure she been tickled pink ever since i yelled boy howdy she can takes good care of herself and she dont need me to write no matterial for her thats what im saying and she also has great tits her ass wolt be better if she layd off them moonpies and rcs

Bluenoser said...

Hey ant1,

Red and Jolene most likely are not the same person but probably the same family.

Da da ding ding ding ding.


bikesgonewild said...

...hey, red, ricky n' jolene put salt p'nuts in yer co-cola ???...

...just askin'...

anoon said...

why hell yeah they put salted peanuts in their cokes (colloquial catch-all for any carbonated sweet beverage).

BUT don't not never (triple negatives retain negativity-do the math)put a boiled peanut in your drink. I've heard nothern folks (gdamn yankees) make this silly error.


anoon said...


Fierce Panites USA said...


Fierce Panites O-O-O said...


Thad said...


Anonymous said...

Aaron Hubbell aka MAH has linked to your site bike snob. Fitting.
God has a sense of humor with AH.

Anonymous said...

R !

Seanywonton said...

Faux rust Crabon bikes are so this year.
I'm waiting for next year's model which I hear from dependable sources will have faux Crabon lugwork.

Rider of Rohan said...

Ummmm...Jakey is not on a Madone Snob. Take a closer look. Your ridicule could have gone farther than the pie plate. That, my friend, is the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company's Alpha Aluminum hiding under that Discovery Channel paint! BTW, loved the car cakes!

Anonymous said...

The bike Abdominal's on is just an old work bike. He was a messenger in Toronto for a long time. I think you were a bit off taking a shot at a guy who's just rapping about his life.

Gastrocnemius said...

From the depths of the C*, back to the block
Ab-do-minal, funky, yes but of the Ciocc
Went solo on that CAT, but lost in shame
To-Ronto is the spot where I served my cane(creek)
Follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, but don't lose your grip
Ou-Rizzay's on the Nittayzz for me to fuck up shit
So I ain't gittin' no more flats
And extra tubing, I got five in my fanny pack
It's like that and as a matter of fact [rat-tat-tat-tat]
Cuz I always hesitate when I put my derailleur in like that.

What's my motherfuckin name?

(*as in Canada)

Andy Pandy said...

Busy trying to get a set of Rapha lambswool knee warmers in royal blue as winter is fast approaching my locale and do not want to be underdressed or show off my calf tats


Just noticed Frills that your cups runneth over … sweeeeet cakes. For your impending birfday I tracked down AC on a training ride and snaffled him up in a hessian bag. Had some slight issues at the post office but assured them that I was sending my great aunt the last remains of her pet boa constrictor that she left during her Xmas sojourn. Might be a little groggy at first so go easy on him

Andy Pandy said...

PS Frills , where did you get those soxs from, not Pez obviously. Was thinking of getting a new riding team together, The Pink Pussies, and they would go down well.... just sayin

Fierce Peritoneum said...

Takin' cheap shots at tha life that tha brotha leads,

He's tha real fuckin' deal not mutha fuckin' cheeze,
so pleeze
or provolon-ne, as they say,
re-spect tha man on tha bee-cee-clette as he's ridin' up this way.

And all bet makes your bottom dollar sweeat,
like a bee to the cee to the bee-cee-clette, you bet.

And when he rolls up with his
mess-an-ger bag,
just know that brakes,
like gears,
are for mutha fuckin' fags!

but that's a cheeap shot, to the whole homo-sexual race,
it's just cause I can't face the fact that I got homophobic tastes,
and a dork bike
that is quite
"ab-om-in-able" fo' sho'
my abdominal cramps when I eat too much pork!

and Bam! Said the street cred cam,
no flim-flam--
just Pebbles and...

So they say I gotz Thighs like Tyson,
and the same in-tell-ect too,
and it ain't anti-Semetic to spoof on Lance cause he ain't a fuckin' jew.
But the wheels do

go round and round like they say,
and that's just one thang I just cain't essplain,

oops... and oh fuck, what tha fuck did you say?! did somebody ask my name, my name??!

It's like a belly,
and I give hataz a belly ache,
I'm not fake
just half baked,
and I'm outta hera,

Downshift yo!

Anonymous said...

how does a dork like Jake Gyllenhaal get with Reese Witherspoon? I like Rapha, but his style {or lack there-of} is clear proof that money can't buy taste.

Maybe someone should convince him to get one of those cool leg tattoos:


Anonymous said...

AP, that would be the bestest birfday present ever. Go easy on him? Mmmm, it'd be like butter.

Those are my Bad Kitty sox. I'm a serious cyclist now, don'tcha know. Nothing says out of my way like a kitty on crossbones. Total mindfuck.

Anonymous said...

PS Good luck being the Mac Daddy of the Oz cycling scene. And, btw, D's cups do runneth over.

Bike Snob Austin IV said...


Anquetil's Mother said...


I certainly hope you will cease your paparazzi stalking of Bobke's father, A.K.A. the "Lone Wolf" as you like to call him. Please, leave this good man to his privacy.

Maman de Jacques

Philip Williamson said...

I liked the rusty carbon bike, even though I didn't want to.
For all you randonneurd bashers, here's a $3000 salvage-title Bridgestone XO-1, complete with an Arione saddle, upgraded in all respects to honor "the intended spirit of the bike and Grant Petersen’s, the designer of the XO-1, taste in mind."

Luke said...

Hey Bike Snob. I know that this article touches upon particularly horrendous tattoos and bike gear, but this bike pic from the fixed gallery site takes the cake: Is there a cliff nearby? Cause now I want to jump off it.


red neckerson said...

frilly yor cup runs over but i dout yors are better than jolenes but im willing to go csi and examine the evidence

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

BSNYC u betta watch out
when da wolf pack come 4 u we come strong broseph

Anonymous said...

Hey now Red, I thought Jolene was your girl, literally and figuratively.

I can't pedal fast enough to outrun Jolene & her rifle, no buckshot in the ass please.

RyanLee said...

Lone wolf needs this shirt, if he doesn't have it.

Pedantic wrench Monkey said...

Frilly, Absolutely no offense, but rifles don't shoot buckshot, shotguns do.

Anonymous said...



Goggles Piasano Ritardo said...

Most observant observations

Anonymous said...

Pretty generous of you to forgive Jake G's massive small ring crosschaining. I wouldn't have done. Friends dont let friends crosschain

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