Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Going Down Hard: Saucy Kangaroos and Spicy Videos

Despite my belief in always sparing readers from my personal problems, the truth is there are some difficulties which are too great for me to bear alone. One such example was a couple of weeks ago when I got sick. Now, I find myself in need of support once again, for in "curating" The Great Meh BSNYC Free Scat Contest! I have been subjected to tales so woeful as to desiccate even the most exuberant soul. Following is an excerpt from one such account, which only proves that our existence is as cruel as it is meaningless:

Riding to work on a fire road at 4.30am I had coming together with a bloody big Western Red kangaroo. I spotted the stupid bastard in my helmet-mounted-eBay-purchased-from-Hong-Kong extra sthpecial seven-candlepower light with enough time to say "watchout ya stupid f*cker", it then proceeded to change direction twice before hopping and propping right in front of me. Those bastards are hard. And big. Make no mistake there's no cuddling kangaroos. I'm about 190 pounds and he had at least another 50 on me. We both went down and somehow I ended up spooning him momentarily. That was just before he decided to give me a swift kick in the groin. He sprung up like nothing had happened, took his first leap using my front wheel as a trampoline and disappeared into the darkness.

It only gets worse from there. A kick to the "pants yabbies" from a kangaroo is bad enough, but to also lose your bike in the process is an indignity of Jobian proportions. (That's "Jobian," as in the biblical figure Job, and not "Jobstian," as in serial retrogrouch and uber-curmudgeon Jobst Brandt. Jobstian stories are generally Bunyanesque tall tales involving things like sealing tires with spoiled milk and extruding MA2 rims in the forest with your teeth.) By the way, if you doubt the validity of the kangaroo story, I was also suspicious. However, I did some checking, and it turns out the submission comes from Australia. As it happens, Australia is the pretty much the only place in which Western Red kangaroos--or really any kangaroos--are found in the wild (though I think there may also be some in New Guinea, home of the penis gourd), and this is a little-known fact of which the average confidence artist would be unlikely to be aware. Also, if you're wondering what kind of person rides to work on a fire road at 4:30am, do keep in mind that he is Australian, so he's probably just your typical accountant or other white collar professional. There are very few actual paved roads and buildings "Down Under," and most people live and work in hollowed-out trees. Moreover, they live in constant terror of kangaroos, and so they tend to commute before dawn under cover of darkness

Despite my immense sympathy for the victim, though, please know that he is not necessarily going to win the Scattante. I merely wanted to give readers a taste of the bitter tonic I must constantly imbibe, and at this point the Scattante is still very much "up for grabs." However, I would like to stress that whoever does win the Scattante should emphatically not equip it with this "book caddy" from Performance, which was brought to my attention by a number of readers:

I should not have to point out that reading while cycling is extremely dangerous--more so even than listening to music. This is something I can say from experience, because while I mentioned the other day that I crashed into a beer truck this past summer, what I did not include was the fact that I was reading Cormac McCarthy's "The Road" at the time. This is a book that is as pants-yabbies-twistingly emotional as it is engrossing, and it's both Jobian and Jobstian. Anyway, there I was, riding and crying, and before I even had a chance to insert a bookmark to hold my place I found myself flying over the handlebars of my Empire State Courier and Euro-kissing the Bud Light logo like an overly-amorous podium girl.

Speaking of how not to use your Scattante, while I really have no control over what the winner does with it, I would implore him or her not to use it for epicurean adventures. No, the appropriate bicycle for such excursions is the Globe, as we all know from watching the web TV series "Pedaling: NYC." Such have been the rigors of my curatorial responsibilities that I have fallen an episode behind in my viewing, and have only just watched Episode 3, entitled "Sweet and Savory:"

At my age (I lie somewhere within the coveted 18-65 marketing demographic) I should know by now never to judge people solely upon their appearance. Still, when I first set eyes on the burly protagonist of "Sweet and Savory," my immediate impression was, "This guy is going to ride out to Coney Island and eat the fuck out of some Nathan's." I could not have been more wrong. In fact, he is a very affable and erudite British-accented man named Behroush Sharifi, and he's a spice importer known as "The Saffron King." Here's the King throwing a leg over a Globe:

This episode of "Pedaling" breaks with tradition a bit in that there's a lot more narration from the Saffron King than there was from the Fixie Crew in Episode 1 or the roadies in Episode 2. The Saffron King expresses his enthusiasm for cycling articulately and in a manner to which many of us can undoubtedly relate. "Every single time I get on my bicycle, it's a whole new adventure," he says. "I feel free."

I don't doubt the Saffron King's claim, though I must say that most of the time he's riding he also appears terrified:

Perhaps he was once the victim of a kangaroo attack. That kind of trauma will stay with you.

Also noteworthy is the Saffron King's approach to clothing, as he is clearly one of those people who wears shorts well into the colder months. Personally, I find the effect disorienting, since his heavily-clothed upper half is completely at odds with his scantily-clad lower half and I feel like I'm looking at two seasons at once. Basically, it's October upstairs:

But it's still July downstairs:

Even more disorienting is the music, which is incredibly tedious. I'm not sure who the artist is, but it sounds like The Breeders on Thorazine.

Eventually, the Saffron King, whose riding has been quite subdued until now, powers his Globe onto the sidewalk:


And then dismounts and enters the Blue Ribbon Bakery, leaving his bicycle completely unlocked and unattended:


Perhaps I misinterpreted the Saffron King's look of terror and it was actually one of discomfort. It could be that he hates his Globe, and that he's hoping it will get stolen so he can win a Scattante. I wonder if I've received a submission from him. You'd think this episode was filmed well before I even came up with the contest idea, but then again the King's multi-seasonal wardrobe makes it completely impossible to determine when it was made. Anyway, here's the Saffron King meeting the baker:


At this point, the Saffron King begins to withdraw plastic bags full of "spices" from his pannier:

If a bearded and ponytailed man who rides around town delivering powder in Ziploc bags seems suspicious to you, you're not the only one:

I haven't seen dealing this flagrant since Cheech & Chong's "Nice Dreams." Meanwhile, here's the scene outside the Blue Ribbon Bakery:

I know they're foreign policemen, but when you're taking on a criminal like Behroush Sharifi--street name "The Saffron King"--you need an international task force.

Anyway, presumably now higher than Tom Boonen on payday, the baker and the Spice King decide to bake some tarts:

Frankly, I'd be hesitant to eat anything baked by the Saffron King--not because it might contain narcotics, but because it might be full of beard hair. I'd at least like to see him putting on some sort of beardnet before going to work:

Here he is mixing in the beard hair:

Here they are sliding the tarts into the oven along with the freebase:


Here they are testing the finished product:

And here's the Saffron King pulling a really long beard hair out of his mouth:

"Can I grab a couple to throw in my panniers?," asks the Saffron King. "I'm going to ride further down towards Chinatown," he exclaims--clearly planning to sell the "tarts" to his next connection. However, the police are wise to the entire operation by now, and they seize him as soon as he walks out of the door:

And so it would seem that this particular episode of "Pedaling" was actually an elaborate sting operation designed to take the Saffron King down, and I'm sure the authorities are grateful for Mike Sinyard's participation. (Actually, he likely "ratted out" Boonen too, and the Saffron King was probably Boonen's supplier.) I'm looking forward to watching the next episode, which once again features the Fixie Crew, and I hope they too receive the justice they deserve.

136 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium?

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Woohoo!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

pao

Jefe said...

Top Ten?

Dingbat said...

top ten

DSTRONG said...

yo

Anonymous said...

top ten.

Astroluc said...

damn... strong finish today, top 10?

mikeweb said...

Saffron King = Epic Beard

Anonymous said...

Who cares what number is your post?

Sprocketboy said...

Here I am!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

"...does with it"

Fearful said...

OMG! In the hunt for the podium!! Eating the little pies did pay off.

Anonymous said...

All ready outside the top ten,,, Dont you people work?

Bad Lawyer said...

BSnyc, when did he put the pants on?

Anonymous said...

I don't want your dam free bike. my advice to you, sir, is to GET A JOB.

Sprocketboy said...

Hey, man, nobody takes down the Saffron King! He can leave his bike unlocked anywhere since would-be thieves get stuffed with nutmeg and roasted.

ant1 said...

second thorazine mention in 2 days. what gives?

g said...

damn, had a top 5 all sewn up and decided to read the post instead. top 20?

chlomo said...

Wao top 18

rezado said...

hi-rez

Jefe said...

I no longer live in Manhattan, but I grew up there, and traveling from uptown to Greenwich Village is not traveling "crosstown." In fact the whole crosstown aspect of his route seemed like a gratuitous excuse to film in Central Park. More likely, he was simply lost, or stoked on saffron and sumac.

Bad Lawyer said...

The NYC cops have a thing for food-related drug busts, I posted the story of the Bronx Bodega candy at my Bad Blawg--so while I suspect some BS-in -BSNYC's spice narrative, it is true that you can land in jail for "food" that looks like well "crack" if you close your eyes and pretend it's not actually ethnic-coconut candy.

mikeweb said...

I think Disgruntl Ed. needs to change his name to Disgruntl EPO.

hillbilly said...

any relation to the rain king? or safron-foer? or sasha frere jones? he's mighty wobbly on that globe. must need a pro bike fit.

Anonymous Coward said...

Guinea 2.0

NUGUINEA

chewie said...

1st one here to read the post and post!

ringcycles said...

but how are the Safron King's wednesday brownies? Surely you got a sample, snob.

Thomas said...

I knew that I shouldn't have curated that epic burrito for lunch! The hungry hawk gets the pigeon I guess...

Principal Poop said...

Eat it.

sean. said...

Sounds like it should be called "Peddling: NYC"

Zing!

rezado said...

Freebase aint free

Anonymous said...

Jobstians are a sect of Curmudgeanity which differentiates themselves from the Petersen and Heine sects by shunning leather saddles as "ass hatchets".

Anonymous said...

I doubt the Aussie's story... what kind of Australian expresses his weight in pounds? Everyone knows they weigh everything in "How many Foster's it is" or some other strange, obscure system (like metric or something).

youaretheengine said...

Sweet panniers.

WEED BIKE

TJ eckleburg said...

What's with the cop's yellow gun?

oh it's a water gun , never mind.

Isolation Helmet said...

I only came to this site for updates on the new gadget that Apple was announcing today.

What a disappointment

hillbilly said...

snob, i agree, i thought they were collabo-ing on a fixie too, the iPedal.

thank you, thank you, try the saffron.

Anonymous said...

Funny, I though the Jobst Brandt milk story was just a retrogrouch urban myth.
Just goes to show reality is stranger than fiction, especially when the über-curmudgeon of bike wheel mechanics is involved.
Higher than Boonen on pay day, haha. Or Frank Vandenbroucke, or Pantani...

broomie said...

I'm surprised none have commented on the heat generated by the unmistakable homoerotic attraction between the King and Sefton. The eye play, vulgar innuendo and raw sexuality of those 2 made me blush.

Anonymous Coward said...

I think I figured out why the Saffron King was wearing shorts - the opening title says "The Saffron King delivers the Goods". Then a little while later when the camera is focused at crotchal level the word "savoring" appears.

Given all that symbolism, I'm a little surprised cockles weren't featured in this episode too.

ant1 said...

Isolation - snobby is waiting for the release of the iTampon so that he can review the two together, for comparison's sake.

Cycle Jerk said...

no matter how tempting, never EVER go down on a kangaroo.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Mmmm....red 'roo with sumac!

xyxax said...

Not only do I have a book caddy, but a Clip light attached to the stem for my night time commute home. Where else would one read the soon-to-be-dropped Snob-oir?

Anonymous Coward said...

@xyxax

Did the clip light come with your snuggie?

Disgruntl Ed. said...

mikeweb, absolutely not. In case you are wondering, I was just consulting Dr. Ferrari on where to get the most epic burritos.

kale said...

That book caddy would make a great pizza holder during training rides. Does it come with a cup holder?

Dave! said...

What's with the harsh treatment of Tom Boonen? I've read that he's only guilty of unintentional "contact" highs. And he doesn't buy freshly-made tarts ... though he has been know to date them.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

ken e. said...

carefully planning my morning so coffee does not shoot out my nose!

Enhancement Smoker said...

Spooning a kangaroo, and then getting kicked in the "junk" by that same 'roo...that's pure gold right there. Look no further for a winner!!!

Chris said...

If you believe the red kangaroo story, you might as well believe the story I was once told by some hick in Edmonton about the natives north of Medicine Hat stringing together shopping carts to fish for salmon.

leroy said...

My cousin Swifty, an agent in something called The Business, asked me to post his letter to Meryl Streep. He says he lost her address.

OPEN LETTER TO MERYL:

Meryl, sweetheart, you know I love you, but this request of yours is a no can do.

Of course I'm a close personal friend of this Snob guy. You nut, you know I know tout le monde and and that other Lemond too.

But the Snobster ain't gonna give you the Scattante just on my say so.

Have your people call his people and set up a confab.

You tell him a dingo ate your bike. Tatelah, how could he resist?

You got the accent down. And seriously babe, no one sells a story like you!

But give me a call. I think I have a project for us.

I don't want to give away too much, but I'm seeing big things for you, a Specialized Globe and take out Chinese.

This could be huge!

Let's act fast because that Dame Judi Dench broad is after me to get her something similar involving curry.

Swifty

Anonymous said...

Great stuff today! It is more effective to read the Aussie's account with an Australian accent. (Think Gordon Elliot with a hint of Phil Anderson with just a soupcon of Mel Gibson as Mad Max).

hillbilly said...

where's BGW been? can i put the iPad on that book caddy?

Anonymous said...

nice to see that the police provide pants and cuffs.

Anonymous said...

A cannibal's desire feeds the fire
that burns in your head.

LEAD: HANNEMAN

Intense pain eats away at your brain,
THORAZINE pumping through your veins.

LEAD: KING

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 1:41, if I am not mistaken, the Aussies still express their weight in "stones."

Anonymous said...

His dress-sense, which so confuses you Oh Mighty Snob one, is a mirror of his hair style. It is a kind of vertical mullet, a variation of 'business up front, party out the back', but in this case both hair and clothing decry 'Business up top, Party down below'. I just don't need to know whether his collar and cuffs match...

Anonymous said...

KANG AROO
PANT YABY
PNIS GORD
SAFF KING
TERI FIED
DOPE TART
HAIR BALL

j2dahizzay said...

I'll take the scattante. And ride to blue ribbon bakery ,make us weed brownies and then I shall read Alice in Wonderland on my flashy new book holder-mabob.

xyxax said...

Anonymous Coward @ 2:02

Can't use the snuggie because my Elmo doll keeps getting lost in the folds.

Nerd On A Bike said...

It's obvious that the Saffron King is not Macedonian. Perhaps a Castilian noble due to the 'flowery' nature of his beard the likes of which would make El Cid proud. The style of which is unmistakenly 'Garibaldi' due to its wide, full nature.

Anonymous said...

Now back to my Wednesday sumac.

Dave (#2) said...

Coming Soon -In the Next Episode of Pedaling:NYC. The Fixie Crew returns to travel New York in serach of overpriced and pretentious delights. The Crews search is stymied when they are arrrested in an elaborate sting operation for pedaling tainted seafood, namely bad cockles.

Anonymous said...

today's laugh out loud moment was brought to you by:
:"This guy is going to ride out to Coney Island and eat the fuck out of some Nathan's."

Anonymous said...

camus sees sumac

do geese see god?

mikeweb said...

kale,

I hear the book caddy is being repurposed for exactly that reason by Team Shack for use by the domestiques, to be renamed 'caddies'.

hillbilly,

I thought the same thing about ol' BGW recently, so checked in with him a couple days ago. He's doing just fine, but taking a little 'hiatus' from blog-land.

3G said...

Abe Frohman

The Stranger said...

@anon 3:31

magnifique!

hillbilly said...

thanks mikeweb!

Travis said...

The fixie crew video is already posted, hurry and beat Mr. Snob the the reviewers punch!

Principal Poop said...

Eat it raw.

B. obowmao said...

I'm going to kick the sorry asses of those right-wing bastards tonight.

Salty Seattle said...

...

...Yes, I've been missing Sr. Elliptikey...

Greetings from Seattle, BGW! Missing you!

stupid name said...

Ouch,

I usually get hot and bothered when I see two women kissing, but you had to have picked the least hot women euro kissing I have ever seen. No moustaches please, especially on nyc women.

Does this mean that the safron kings web site is now available?

http://saffronking.com/

Who and how much do I have to pay to get my on pedling nyc episode?


ww.atomiczombie.com
They ALMOST make recumbants cool, but I then I think that Behroush Sharifi is ridng one in jail now.


Blech.

Salty Seattle said...

If you would, do me this favor: if you see any of the happy Nathans down at Coney Island, be sure to ask 'em about how the beard-ride goes.

grog said...

funny as hell snobbers
i, too, doubt the aussie's story. he could not have been on a fire road since there is no evidence they have yet discovered fire down under.
the book-a-ma-jig could also be used as a music stand thereby allowing the cyclist to play the b-flat cornet while navigating the streets.

João Faustino said...

Forget the apple thing, this is what I had to tweet about that," Wow... Apple #iPad , I think I'll wait until next year for the release of the Apple Maxi iPad with Wings."

And forget the Saffron King, I rubbed the poppy seeds off my bagel and snorted that this morning.

And P.S. BSNYC, that book caddy is for idiots on trainers, hopefully not idiots on their commute.

CommieCanuck said...

Performance got the ad wrong, that's not a book caddy, reading a book while riding would be just stupid.

However, it is the NEW APPLE iPAD caddy, so now we can ride with our iPods and iPads at the same time. Steve Jobs hates cyclists, and this will surely finish off any remaining ones.I hope it comes in 12 anodized colors.

I'm currently 1,134th in line at the Apple Store, I plan to be here for weeks. By the time I get to the front of the line, the price should be down from $500 to $99.

J. Macdonald said...

First Canadian!?!

Anonymous said...

Jobs hates people with good vision. He's clearly in cahoots with the sinister optometrist cartel.

Sandy McTire said...

Second Canadian?!

Sarah P said...

Ok I wanna run this by my Kayaking and bieking friends... I'm thinking of running a TV spot tonite dissing the Dems health care plan...yes or no.?? Be honest now...

Gosh Snobby is funny!!

AYHSMLB

flynn said...

solid zing, sean

P. Floyd said...

We don't need no ed-you-ki-tion
We don't need no thought control
We don't need no higher taxes
CommieCannuck is a troll......

Anonymous said...

For the love of Ronald Ray-gun, Sarah P, you had to bring politics into it?!?!

Anonymous said...

i like how the "seal of disapproval" logo is constantly acquiring new elements. i would seem the bikesnob is not immune to serial upgrade-itis

Donnie McDonutsandbeer said...

First newfie!!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the cops DO provide pants. Consider Liddy's (yes, ol' G. Gordon) account of the raid on Timothy Leary's compound and his police minions trying to force a skyclad-from-the-waist-down Leary into Leary's prepubscent son's pants.

wishiwasmerckx: I think the stones are what that poor Australian was kicked in. At 14 lbs a piece no wonder the poor bastard is bowlegged.

Obesity Statistics said...

Maybe you should forget about kids :-)

Booksy said...

not great, but I guess writing a blog everyday you're bound to miss the mark occasionally.

Anonymous said...

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Думаю вам понравится


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некдот для разнообразия :)

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erik k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
erik k said...

with iPad, now you can even blog from you toilet snob.

Todd P said...

98th ?

LK said...

Dear nyeditorsnob

"proan to typoes"

Are you trying too hard?

Stop the insanity said...

AAAAGH!!!

Why shitty LOUD soundtracks to accompany a promotional video?


Muzak would be an improvement.

jet said...

Being an Aussie myself, I think that anyone who expresses weight in pounds can't possibly be a citizen of this country. Perhaps a visiting American who smoked too many gum leaves. Having seen big red kangaroos avoid collisions with massive road trains that are moving at much higher speeds, I also highly doubt his story that the kangaroo failed to get out of his way!

Anonymous said...

Jet, i have to agree and disagree with you mate.

Yep, 'pounds' are something we hate converting our money into when we take QF1 back to blighty and certainly isnt a measurement of mass. We might say instead that the roo was "as big a brick shithouse and twice as smelly"

But there is plenty of "roo stew" on the side of the road when the dopey buggers didnt get out of he way.

and as for the spooning? they only do that sort of thing across the ditch. just wait for the tale/tail of a spurned merino smashing up an Avanti.

BISOUBISOU said...

Kangaroo & cockle tarts!

George Not Hincapie said...

Just couldn't get past the waffle episode. Better than the douchebags in Whole Foods, but it's too lame. And I'll watch anything to do with cycling!

B. Obowmao said...

Hot Damn, I got out there and really kicked the shit out of those right-wing bastards tonight.

Anonymous said...

funny as shit tonight...i laughed my ass off...the nerve of the safron king...now the mister softee trucks have the free run of the town

Mel said...

Pass the kangaroo sauce over 'ere, wouldja mate?

PANTS said...

NYC seems to be full of people with whimsical made up sounding names.

The Kangaroo would have torn that guy to bits if it evn got close to being spooned. They are strong and will bite as hard as a dog and scratch like a fixter in a fight with a taxi driver.

kerry said...

I belive the Oz story. I almost got jumped apon by a big roo, happliy pedaling away thru a paved road in a nature resere, he panicked and nearly jumped into me, when I came around the corner. Maybe he was taking a leak or something...

And I bet 'pounds' is cos we all know here, you Americans terrible schooling, never covered metric. But we are waiting for electric lights...

wvcycling said...

I don't understand the marketing purpose of these little food related fixie videos. Are tehy going to change the world and make a shit ton of cash with these, or are they to make the company look like they have the coveted street cred?

mikeweb said...

Upon reflection, I think there are a couple of reasons that some people are so put off, or at least uncomfortable, with the the 'Pedaling NYC' videos. Firstly, they are fairly pretentious. "Look at me! I'm cycling! I'm eating cockle covered pizza! I'm a woman roadie pretending to eat this 1280 calorie waffle!" But I think this pretense is excusable. After all, there's entire cable channels exclusively devoted to selling certain 'lifestyles' ("Look at me! I'm hitch hiking through Morocco!")

What these videos really fail at is the exact thing that they're trying to sell - cycling as a lifestyle. Why is it necessary for them to ram the idea of cycling so hard down the watchers' throats? Why not just call the series 'Tripping NYC' and have the people bicycle to their destinations as if there's nothing particularly out of the ordinary about that? Which for literally hundreds of thousands of people in New York City and tens of millions around the country and globe, is exactly the case.

Upon arriving and securing their bicycle maybe the person could drop an innocuous comment like "I got here in a jiffy" or "what a refreshing ride" or "it's so nice not to have to drive around for 15 minutes looking for a parking spot". It's human nature for people to buy something or adopt a lifestyle more readily if they can be conned into thinking it was their own idea as opposed to feeling that they're being dictated to.

Everyone knows, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

Anonymous said...

Even vegetarians love sizzle.

Anonymous said...

You don't sell the snake, you sell the swizzle.

Anonymous said...

ALL YOU HATERS KISS MY SUMAC

frilly said...

Awesome comment MikeWeb!

Anonymous said...

LAME POST

MORE BOOB

Soft and Douchey said...

I actually enjoy the Pedaling documentaries.

Pinche Puto said...

Hola Cesario

Sweet William said...

grog said...

funny as hell snobbers
i, too, doubt the aussie's story. he could not have been on a fire road since there is no evidence they have yet discovered fire down under

Fire, however, has discovered us Aussies. :-(

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008–09_Australian_bushfire_season

Rick Donkey said...

Saffron King and the bassist from the Budos Band are 99.9% doppelgangers. The 0.1% difference is SK's beard is slightly more epic. http://www.vimeo.com/3670247

Anonymous said...

SPICE MUST FLOW...

lol said...

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lol said...

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