Friday, October 15, 2010

BSNYC Friday Funquats!

As we march across the orange shag carpet of time as inexorably as a tortoise "portaging" a kitty cat, we grow ever closer to the weekend. Before it "drops" and we all decamp to our respective chalets, retreats, and island getaways, I'd like to remind you of a few things. Firstly, I have no less than two BRAs (or Book-Related Appearances) coming up in the next few weeks:

The first of these BRAs will take place at Cyclesport Bike Shop in Park Ridge, NJ on Saturday, October 23rd at 4:30pm. Apparently, Cyclesport is also the "world's first Serotta dealer," which means you can expect a large number of dentists to be browsing the aisles and bringing their bikes in for simple flat repair. So, even if you're not interested in seeing my BRA, you should probably come anyway because it's going to be a great opportunity to try to schnorr some free dental work. (I've already stopped brushing and flossing in anticipation.)

Then, on Saturday, October 30th, at 2:00pm, I'll be BRAppearing at the Philly Bike Expo which is in Philadelphia, PA. Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love, the Liberty Bell, and fictional pugilist Rocky Balboa--but not of Philadelphia Cream Cheese, which is apparently made elsewhere. Trust me, I was disappointed, too--in fact I was so mad when I found out that I almost cancelled my BRA, since I had hoped there was going to be a cream cheese-themed amusement park in Philadelphia along the lines of Hershey Park.

Secondly, I'd also like to remind you that the First Annual (even though there will probably never be one again) BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award (or "Cockie") deadline for submissions is midnight tonight--and for simplicity's sake let's call it midnight Eastern Standard Time, since all the other midnights are either too early or too late. So, if you don't submit your "Cockie" photo in accordance with the contest rules by that time you will not be eligible to win the world's best coffee. Actually, even if you do submit your entry on time and in accordance with the contest rules, you won't be eligible to win the world's best coffee--you'll be eligible to win BSNYC/RTMS coffee courtesy of my sponsor the Just Coffee Cooperative, and while I can assure you it's delicious I'm also sure there's better coffee out there somewhere. In fact, it's entirely possible that Just Coffee sells it.

There are also some amazing cockpits out there, like this one in Atlanta complete with a handlebar-mounted pistol:


This variation on the "classic" bar end configuration:

This canine-themed cockpit from Minneapolis:

And this drop bar mountain bike conversion via Back Alley Bikes:

Which the sender summarized far better than I ever could:

While this unusual setup lacks the joi d'vivre of the "outsider" artists typically associated with cockpit collages, the implied professionalism in the execution only adds weight to this work. It is clearly the steady hand of a professional that so masterfully executed these cable and housing swaps. The wrapping of the handlebar tape alone clearly demonstrates that this cannot be the work of a mere amateur. Most of all, it's the ribbon "lock" that truly ties this piece together. Interpretations are always in the eye of the beholder, but I feel that the themes of freedom and confusion are impossible to ignore. Enjoy.

He makes a compelling case.

In the meantime, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll take a little ride in sunny France.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and stay "cockie."


--BSNYC/RTMS



1) Julian Dean of Garmin-Transitions has revealed that he will contest:

--The Single Speed World Championships in Rotura, New Zealand






(Boo! Bamboo and crabon? Must be "Cyclocross 2.0!")

2) A group of environmentally-minded cyclists have successfully petitioned the organizers of Portland's Cross Crusade race series to institute a separate "sustainable and organic frame materials" field.






3) This maneuver is known as:





(Nice lid, Ahab.)

4) Designers will never abandon their futile quest to design the perfect "helmet hat," the Great White Whale of the "bike culture:"




5) "Mystery shiny objects" spotted "floating over Manhattan" recently were:

--UFOs



(Becoming the sharpest fixed-gear tool in the drawer requires dedication, colorway coordination, and intense soundtrack "curation.")

6) How do "hipsters" motorpace?

--In "hoodies"
--Behind Land Rovers
--Poorly and self-indulgently, like they do everything else
--All of the above






("Seat is Murder")

7) "Investment opportunity of a lifetime!" This Craigslist Schwinn was once:



***Special Advanced Messengineering Degree-Themed Bonus Question***



Messengers ride in backwards circles in order to turn back time.



104 comments:

samh said...

Systematically and mercilessly disassembling, flushing, greasing, and re-packing the BSNYC podium.

Comment deleted said...

maillot jaune - Deleted!

xyxax said...

Someone left the fan on.

david m. said...

bsnyc is one helluva performance enhancer.

Anonymous said...

topp 10!!

10,000 Aches said...

I think I got a good jump on the pack today.

Comment deleted said...

If I hadn't been elbow-deep in the rancid pudding of responsibility, I would have taken the sprint.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Hurt me, squirt me, but don't say no.

ringcycles said...

AUGH! I read the post already!

david m. said...

bsnyc is one helluva performance enhancer.

Nogocyclist said...

I would have been here sooner, but I was trying to figure out how to remove the batteries from a Shimano Dura Ace Di2 shifter in case a friend lends me one. I don't ever want to shift the gears even if by mistake!

bikesgonewild said...

...had time to read the whole post, answer every 'funquat' question correctly, cook some eggs, visit my ***lobster shrine*** & still get a decent position...

...how's your friday ???...

Anonymous said...

sorry I'm late- boy, it was expensive...

le Correcteur said...

Damn! Missed the top ten again! Top twenty, though!

Anonymous said...

well.. not bad

ant1 said...

ant1st!

BeastGP said...

Look at him leaving, like a little conker in the night!

Comment deleted said...

There is no truth to the rumors that my honorable competitor, samh, has been posting repeatedly to other blogs from high altitude, cutting those posts, then pasting them into this blog at sea level.

samh said...

I JUST KNEW that was going to link to a Cher song. Why did I have to click the link?!? Argh!

ringcycles said...

well, atleast I aced the quiz.

but BSNYC, Cher, really?!?

what did we do to deserve that?!?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

streepo said...

I don't think I've seen a dog cockie quite that large before.

yofilly said...

I was on a roll until that stupid bamboo bike.

Can't wait for you to BRA it up in Philly, Snobby!

Anonymous said...

K-cups? Really?
How could you ever remain upright?

Anonymous said...

Rover... not a Hummer. Still contemptible however unless one is a Brit and towing sheep.

Philip Williamson said...

It's a Land Rover not a Hummer in that video.

I mean "visual output."

OBA said...

Is motorpace douche the same genius who skidded down Mt. Ventoux? Deathpool anyone?

jlvota said...

The vehicle in the video is not a Hummer but a Land Rover Defender, which makes the video even more smug and pointless.

Auld Fred said...

I was held up by the train in Syracuse- don't I get a time allowance?

Anonymous said...

It's a landrover. not a Hummer. Gosh!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:30pm,

Oops--thanks! My brain just saw "big truck" and went from there.

OBA,

Yes, that is the Ventoux "hillbomber."

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

God dang that girl with the macrame hat has a nice ass.

Anonymous said...

A G. G. Allin reference, classic

bikesgonewild said...

...okay, dammit, we get it...
...it's a fucking land rover, not a hummer...

...more importantly though, that's not a 'video', it's a highly pretentious 'visual output'...

...please, we're dealing with an 'artist' here, not a common bike lout like ourselves...

hillbilly said...

How could you pass up the opportunity for "city of BRAtherly love?"

John said...

51 mph peak motorpacing in the suction of a huge truck. Only 101 mph slower than John Howard's fixed gear record.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 1:37pm...

...lonely last night @ home with just you & that photo of 'macrame hat girl', huhhh ???...

...hey, say no more...please...

Anonymous said...

John Tomac likes the drop bar setup. Needs a Tioga Tension Disc.

Anonymous said...

Land Rovers, unlike Hummers, serve a purpose.

They bring Freds new wheels when they pop flats all over Africa, on trails only mtb's and other land rovers dare tackle.

They are designed to withstand a direct charge by a rihno. Which is why you see so many more of them down by the LES than Hummers.

Plus, they look much cooler when stuck in traffic trying to get across the GWB with full cyclocross gear.

Stump said...

has anybody given a lot of thought to what it would look like to ride that dog-cockpit-ed bike? especially if riding out of the saddle. better would have been a sheep-themed cockpit

crosspalms said...

Now taking pre-orders for helmet disguised as macrame hat.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

UFO's - You wacky New Yorkers.

Anonymous said...

BSNY/RTMS,

We're on Eastern Daylight Time right now. So I guess technically the contest submission deadline is 1:00am?

Vanonymous said...

A turtle portaging a cat?

At least it wasn't a turtle being portaged...

bikesgonewild said...

...while new yawkers are no less wacky, that 'ufo' (unidentified flying object) has pretty much been 'identified' as a bunch a' balloons for a teacher's engagement party in mt vernon...

...hope i didn't spoil anyone day's day with such a plausible & pedestrian explanation...

...hey, new yawkers...keep your hopes up...perhaps a ufo with little green men & life zapping death rays is on your way as we speak...

Anonymous said...

What was overlooked in the cockie of that Trek with baby blue bar tape installed in "basket weave" fashion is the fascinating position of the bike rear light securely anchored to the front fork. This is the rare "Frenchy" rig last used in WWII on tanks so the enemy never knew if they were advancing or retreating and used with great success. Employing this on a mountain bike clearly to be seen at night is a decoy tactic to confuse drivers into speeding up since it appears they are being followed by something backing up at great speed. Excellent move since you don't want cars near you.

bikesgonewild said...

...re: turtles n' kitties...

...at least that kitty didn't pee on the turtle like that pussy that bsnyc/rtms featured here awhile back...

Anonymous said...

Macrame has a top 10 ass! Ok now I said it, does that make me a bad person?

Comment deleted said...

bgw - I don't recall that picture; wasn't it Larry King drooling onto a turtle?

Jake Ryan said...

Pretty rad that that fixie rider's dad let him borrow his Land Rover. And amazing that his hood stayed on at that speed. Truly talented.

DOOS HBAG

bikesgonewild said...

...see what happens with a avatar like "comment deleted" ???...

...yahoo automatically censors your images to "protect" you...

..."larry king", what drooling larry king ???...not on my screen... what i saw was a beautiful, shapely wet (this comment has been deleted for your protection) that was so awesome, i was totally digging it...

3G said...

The D is the biggest

I am running on gasoline engine said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Land_Rover_Defender

"Today's Land Rover Defender model has a 1-tonne payload, making it a stand-alone expedition vehicle. The Defender's unique combination of thrifty fuel consumption and generous payload means that while comparable vehicles (Mercedes G-Wagon, Mercedes Unimog, Land Cruiser, Jeep, etc.) sometimes match the Defender in off-road driving performance, the Defenders payload advantage permits greater independence of fuel and water resupply points. For example, with one driver, one passenger, and food and clothing supplies, a stock Turbo Diesel Defender 110 has the payload and fuel consumption ability to enable it to carry 30 jerrycans of fuel and water and attain an off-road driving range of over 4,000 km (2,500 mi) lasting 10 days."

12 mpg, that makes it even more douchetastic.

CommieCanuck said...

Dunno what you guys are talking about, but a real hummer is not even a vehicle, except perhaps metaphorically a vehicle to pleasure.


HUMM MERR

CommieCanuck said...

12 mpg, that makes it even more douchetastic.

That's 12 mpg EPA highway. Look, the wealthy are better than us, they deserve to waste anything they can afford. They should also be able to throw Perrier bottle trucker bombs in bike lanes.

Anonymous said...

http://www.stemie.com/index.html

An anonymous entry for the cockle
A Manufactured product to protect your cockle!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Careful there, boys. Rover owners do not like to be trifled with. They will send Nigel (the disembodied voice on the built-in audio response system for those of you not in the know)to open up a can of whoop-ass on you.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

bgw- That picture comes to mind everytime I see a turtle. Which in turn reminds me of the Austin Powers talking to his dad in "English" and says "she shat on a turtle"
funny stuff!

botch casually said...

Philadelphia Cream Cheese can be used as chamois butter in a pinch.

Anonymous said...

what the fuck are you guys babbling about?

get a friggin room -- you two!

crosspalms said...

...but chamois butter cannot be used as Philadelphia Cream Cheese in a brunch.

Anonymous said...

Special forces ninja hipster with stealth Land Rover support! Now I am totally shitting myself. Sorry, it would be more polite to say: "there is a visual output running down my leg". I'll bet that Rover even has Night Rider technology.

The quick-draw cockie rider from the first photo looks to be pretty well equipped to at least put up a bit of a fight against this elite hipster force. Perhaps another potential recruit for the NARD Guard. ce

Bill said...

Nice! Give them Eastern "Standard" Time so people really have until 1:00am Eastern Daylight Time. Sneaky way to give them one more hour!

--Bill

Anonymous said...

saw a guy on the west side bike path this afternoon w/ full gloves, leggings, shoe covers., jacket and baclava
its not that fucking cold
cant imagine what he keeps in reserve for january

I am the mean engine said...

wish I was mercky

Ferrari owners have tiny little penisis. and skinny little arms.

Land rover owners have no penises, and need their testosterone patches just to raise their arms, why else would you have a 4 wheel drive truck which is limited to 51 mph.

Oops, that is just getting mean.

I am the rich person musher engine said...

Oh by the way, I think they buy their gasoline in perrier bottles, how many of those tiny little bottles whould you need to fill 30 jerrycans full of gasoline.

Fuck the rich, when we rise up, they will be forced to power my dog sled modified/rich person portland bike.

anonymous range rover owner said...

I am the mean engine: Go fuck yourself.

anonymous range rover owner said...

I am the rich person musher engine: I keep a stout and hearty Veitnamese woman on the payroll to stand in for me in just such situations.

I am a mean engine said...

anon range rover owner.

Look in the mirror, did I hit to close to home. remember epo is a great "un-feminiser". I hear you can find it in spanish beef.

Anonymous said...

"Is there some kind of locking mechanism that prevents you from removing the lug nuts with the factory lug wrench? It seems that there is a little space between the very outside part and the part that turns. How would you be able to change a flat tire if you can't get them off with the wrench?
Maybe I'm just a weakling."

http://www.landroversonly.com/forums/f40/lug-nuts-23835/

I think I will ask a land rover forum how to use a wrench?

anonymous range rover owner said...

I am the mean engine: I am warning you... you can rearrange the letters of "Range Rover" to spell "Road Rage"... well, almost, anyways.

anaoymous range rover owner said...

Anon 7:24, if you own a Range Rover, it is called a "spanner," not a wrench, you knave. Now go get me some Grey Puopon, peasant.

Meg Whitman said...

Servants are so ungrateful.

They never can be counted on to perform a good beatdown.

Anonymous said...

Did Johnny Marr also puke on it just before nodding off on it? Then, and only then would I buy it.

Anonymous said...

...does BGW really stand for BoysGoneWhippedcream?
...BGW on a Hummer?
...kicked out of craigslist
...low fiving CommieCannucks uncle
...strange indeed

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 12:58am...

...wow...i got nothin'...

...that's some clever shit you're running on me so lemme stand back & you feel free to just go ahead n' suck up the kudos...

...consider me over'fucking'whelmed...

Anonymous said...

Snob,
This is a great response posted on Urban Velo to the helmet hat thingy:




Michael
October 15, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Lame. If you are riding a bike, why try to pretend you arent wearing a helmet. You are on a bike, a helmet looks normal. An oversized fedora with vent holes does not. When you get to your stop, take the helmet off and put on a normal hat (if you wear hats). This overly pretentious trend of trying to conceal a helmet is pointless. Maybe we can start seeing designs for a large “skirt” or “kilt” (for male riders) that conceals the bicycle. Then you can just look like you are just gliding along the city streets, floating on you own cloud of pretentious smugness.

cyclotourist said...

That PRO curated Trek in the last photo-cock appears to be professionally tied to a tree with a piece of rope. Does that help or hurt it's chances for winning?

Anonymous said...

@BGW: There's just something SERIOUSLY wrong with you and I'm not the only one whose picking up on it, you perverted fuck.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 11:30pm...

...if you had twice the brain power you display now, you'd still be a fucking halfwit...

...facts is facts...

Anonymous said...

http://austin.craigslist.org/bik/1997408110.html

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, I would take being called a "perverted fuck" as a compliment.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, how did your ex-wife find you here anyways?

Samuel said...

Must be the thumbnail size (or bad eyes on my part) but for one shining second of horror I thought that was was an actual tanned dogskin mounted on a bike.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...

...sheesh, huh ???...

...i was tryin' keep that "perverted fuck" thingy a secret...

...i save that for the 'special' women in my life...

...egg's on my face...

nick said...

http://bennybenassibiketour.com/?page_id=2

Jace said...

Yo Snob!

It's a beautiful day here in the big city and I gots to thinking. You recently said that cross is now the most expensive form of biking, but I beg to differ. Nothing can compare to the fixed gear lifestyle. Viz:

First you've got to go to the right college. Not just any school, but the most exclusive and expensive (a theme that will be repeated) liberal arts college you can find. Granted it's not your money, but it is your time. And time is just what you'll need as it will take years to prepare yourself for that critical moment of your post-collegiate life: what will you say when the NY Times reporter asks you about your career? Are you a tin-typist and glass blower or a landscape portraitist and fabric dyer with a hint of photogravurist? So many choices! And you'll probably need to go to grad school too just to be ready for the inevitable follow-up question asking you to describe 'your look'.

Then there are the tattoos. Again, not any old strip-mall tattoo will do. You've got to spend time, serious time, buying the right magazines, investigating the art and the artists so that you find the perfect combination that compliments both your body and your brand. And then there's the time needed to develop the proper monologue when you're asked about the back story of your art. You spent over ten grand on this ink, talking about some Asian chick and lots of alcohol just won't do!

Then there's the move to NY, the expensive 'bohemian' loft equipped with the latest devices from Apple, the clothes, oh so many clothes but hey, you need the right outfit for each ride, and the killer asymmetric hair cut. Then and only then are you ready for the bike. A custom bike for sure because with all the work you've put in to get here, you've surely earned it!

PawnShop said...

Podium?

Meh.

Anonymous said...

Hey everybody! Nu-fredism and/or equipment weeniedom comes in for it in the Onion today: "Cyclist Friend Explains Necessity Of $35 Socks".

http://www.theonion.com/articles/cyclist-friend-explains-necessity-of-35-socks,18259/

Oh, and BGW, I've enjoyed your comments for years and never thought there was anything wrong with you. I'm sure your testosterone level is fine, especially for a gentleman of your age.

bikesgonewild said...

...well, thank you, anon 8:03pm...i appreciate those kind words...

...i was getting worried & feeling so insecure, i was thinking about posting a 'brett favre'...

...but somebody'd prob'ly accuse me of using photoshop to alter 'the goods'...

Anonymous said...

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/03/foot_powered_roller_coaster.php

Googlerail 2.0

When Google has taken control of the world and the people's freedom of movement is restricted to pedal power on pre defined monorail routes, they may need to consider something like this to make the experience more stimulating for the masses and thus reducing the likelihood of rebellion. ce

Anonymous said...

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/03/foot_powered_roller_coaster.php

That should work now

Anonymous said...

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/03/foot_powered_

roller_coaster.php

dammit, try this without the gap

Anonymous said...

http://www.geekologie.com/2010/10/a_day_in_the_life_of_internet.php

Oh, and if you find the time to check this out, then it is relevant to you. ce

Anonymous said...

http://www.geekologie.com/2010/10/a_day_in_the_

life_of_internet.php

Sorry, I'm making a mess. Try this minus the gap. If you're still persisting it is probably even more relevant. ce

Anonymous said...

If anyone cares, they only imported those Land Rover Defenders for a few years in the mid '90s. The one they have in the video is a long wheelbase wagon, which are even more rare. They go for about 50k in the States, yes, used. I thought hipsters eschewed such expensive things?

phylos said...

I submit that most - if not all- of these cock pit modifiers are in reality hipster attempts to replicate the effect of a Wald 867 like was on their Schwinn Racer but is highly unhip to be seen with.

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Bike Locks said...

So, even if you're not interested in seeing my BRA, you should probably come anyway because it's going to be a great opportunity to try to schnorr some free dental work.

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Fixie Bikes said...

"Copenhagen u-turn" sounds like a sex position.