Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bombs Away! Sweet Surrender

Further to yesterday's post, which concerned (to put it prosaically) rich people with exotic bicycles who suck at riding them, I feel compelled to add sort of a postscript. It was not my intention to imply that we must all somehow live up to our possessions, since materially speaking the truth is that most of us have more than we need. Furthermore, it was also not my intention to imply that there is something wrong with having more than we need, because I don't really believe that, which is why I'm not one of those filthy minimalists.

Rather, I was simply considering the point at which having more than we need becomes ridiculous, and for me that point is when someone is not only unable to fully exploit his or her equipment but is actually baffled by it. This was more or less the case with the examples I cited yesterday, which are less like the owner of a BMW who does not take full advantage of the car's performance and more like the owner of a Ferrari who barely knows how to drive at all. Also, plenty of people with lots of money who like nice stuff also have the good sense to pay other people to use that stuff for them. They own professional-quality kitchens and pay chefs to cook for them, and they own Thoroughbred horses and pay jockeys to race them. So perhaps some of these people, instead of "sponsoring themselves" (to paraphrase the Assos marketing slogan) should instead sponsor more talented riders to ride their bikes for them. I'm sure if these people built velodromes named after themselves in fine 19th century robber baron style they'd have a delightful time sipping mint juleps in luxuriously-appointed boxes as they watched other people race their exquisite bicycles.

Indeed, the fact is that many modern conveniences we now take for granted began as whims of the super-rich. For example, the Waldaum's supermarket chain began when Andrew Carnegie started allowing people access to his 75,000 square foot walk-in larder as an act of charity. Also, video pornography and the "celebrity sex tape" were invented simultaneously when J.P. Morgan hired Thomas Edison (inventor of the motion picture camera) to record him and members of his domestic staff in the act of sexual congress. Similarly, today's ├╝ber-wealthy could take advantage of the modern surplus of "hipsters" by racing them until they drop and betting on who will be the last rider standing. This would have all the appeal of cockfighting only without the hassle from PETA, plus the races wouldn't take too long because even the mightiest "hipster" would surely collapse within a few miles. Attendance at these events would soon swell exponentially, like J.P. Morgan's member in the presence of a naked domestic, and by the 22nd century "tarck bike racing" will become the new sport of kings.

In any case, I also mentioned flat tires and the inability to repair them yesterday, and a reader forwarded me this photo of a decidedly unpretentious rider in Spokane, WA who has simply opted to dispense with the formality altogether:

This setup is known as the "Spokane tubeless," and the advantages are lighter weight and total immunity to pinch flats. Granted, running the "Spokane tubeless" setup does compromise cornering somewhat, but things do improve significantly after the "break-in period" when the rim wall wears down and the rim strip makes direct contact with the pavement. Also, you can mitigate the rough ride and loss of traction somewhat by "palping" a standard tire and tube up front, which is what this rider is doing and which is generally referred to as the "Washington state mullet."

Of course, if you're going to run a "Spokane tubeless" setup you should always pair it with a top tube-mounted brake lever (or TTMBL) for ultimate performance. Here's a classic TTMBL spotted by a reader in Calgary:

I can't help suspecting he meant to mount the lever on the bars but simply ran out of cable.

Speaking of foolhardy "hipster" sports, while it may be generations before "tarck bike racing" becomes the new cockfighting and/or Thoroughbred racing, the discipline known as "fixed-gear hill bombing" is arguably entering into a golden age. (This is due largely to the widespread availability of digital video cameras and editing software, of which Thomas Edison could scarcely have conceived as he filmed Morgan mounting his buxom scullery maid.) "Fixed-gear hill bombing" refers to the act of riding a brakeless fixed-gear bicycle down a hill at roughly the same speed as an overly cautious cyclotourist, recording it on video, and then making it seem culturally significant by means of judicious editing and soundtrack application. Here's a recent example that was forwarded to me by a reader:

SEABASE vs STELVIO from YUHZIMI Ltd. on Vimeo.

The best hill bombers are guided by a philosophy, and such is the case here:

Not a day goes by without me falling in love with new perspectives, fresh ideas or opportunities of untapped potential. As much as that can be exciting and motivating, it can also be inadvertently distracting.

Cycling to me is like meditation. Riding a track bike keeps me on the ground, focused on the moment and connected to the universe - with no questions left to solve.


It is only by attaining the transcendent state of consciousness of the fixed-gear rider that one can seek "new perspectives," "fresh ideas," and "opportunities of untapped potential" while at the same time focussing entirely "on the moment" with "no questions left to solve," though I suppose I do the same thing when I explore the world, its many cultures, and its disparate cuisine by watching Anthony Bourdain, eating take-out, and wearing an ass groove into the couch. In any case, despite the almost sisyphean pointlessness of riding a fixed-gear bicycle slowly up a hill only to ride it slowly back down again, you might find yourself intrigued and wishing to do the same. Fortunately, the video contains sort of a "hipster hill bomb checklist."

Step 1

Test your hub bearings by twiddling them like a lover's nipples:



Step 2

Make sure your Daisy Duke jean shorts are sufficiently tight to induce scrotal and/or vulvular chafing:


Step 3

Make sure your LA gangter-inspired ersatz philosophy-espousing faux prison tattoo is clearly legible on your calf:


Step 4

Cinch up your "hoodie" and let 'er rip:


Also, since this is fixed-gear cycling we're talking about, stylistic flourishes are crucial, which is why you should always make sure your skids feature prominently in the "edit" (an "edit" is basically a "hipster sizzle reel"):

Skidding is the cycling equivalent of the "douche-clamation point."

Even though all of this is considerably more involved than simply tackling mountain passes on a bike with multiple gear ratios and brakes, some people doubtless find it appealing for its veneer of "minimalism"--and speaking of minimalists, I was dismayed to learn that "57 things" guy and his girlfriend have broken up:
Ordinarily I wouldn't address somebody's intimate relationship issues but I'm assuming that since he is blogging about it he wants the world to know. Apparently, his girlfriend just didn't have the emotional fortitude and strength of character to lead a "minimalist" lifestyle, and the chief sticking points appear to be that he is "location independent" and that he "continues to try to change the world day after day." Incidentally, if you're wondering what these things entail and why they would be frustrating to a spouse or life partner, having immersed myself in minimalism for some time now I think I have a pretty firm grasp on "minimalist-speak:"

"Location Independent" = Couch Surfing

"Trying to Change the World" = Masturbating

Should you encounter any minimalists whom you would like to befriend, you should attempt to work expressions like these into the conversation. However, you should also keep in mind that if a minimalist invites you to "be location independent and try to change the world together" that he or she is really asking if you'd like to engage in mutual masturbation on the couch.

Fortunately, if you're looking for a philosophy or lifestyle to which you can surrender your individuality, but you find the prospect of sordid sofa encounters distasteful, there's always Christianity--which, it should not surprise you to learn, is now officially 100% hipster-compatible, as a reader recently informed me:

Indeed, Christianity is even down with the whole "urban lumberjack" thing:


And of course no hipster lifestyleway is complete without a handy checklist:

Get the church involved in social justice and creation care.

Show clips from R-rated Coen Brothers films (e.g., No Country for Old Men, Fargo) during services.

Sponsor church outings to microbreweries.

Put a worship pastor onstage decked in clothes from American Apparel.

Be okay with cussing.

Print bulletins only on recycled cardstock.

Use Helvetica fonts as much as possible.

Leverage technologies like Twitter.

Clearly, when it comes to edginess, hipster Christians are giving 8th grade public school classrooms all over America a run for their lunch money.

126 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmmm.

Slone said...

early! and a podium

Anonymous said...

1 podium position, please.

streepo said...

minimal comment: meh

Anonymous said...

hiaaaaaa

Desert Rider said...

Missed the start, so early...

Dan Webster said...

Top 10! I've never been there before...

Anonymous said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

Top ten

Shu-Sin said...

ten

Jefe said...

Top 11

Desert Rider said...

So The Minimalist's girlfriend gave him the boot, now he is closer to 57 actual things, since he no longer is sharing the furniture, toiletries, dishes, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc...

Anonymous said...

57 things guy wants us all to live like him, in Never Never Land, serial dating Wendy's who leave the bedroom windows to their English Manors open.

Because its hard to fly with 58 things.

AYHSMB said...

All You Hyphens Sadly Missing, Baby:

*location-independent*

Perhaps punctuation was item #58?

hillbilly said...

that's quite an upgrade from 'it's not you, it's me'

Anonymous said...

Since minimalist guy no longer has a girlfriend, is he down to 56 things? Does he now have room on his list to add a permanent location?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Look on the bright side at least we are not all riding flying pidgeons.

Shu-Sin said...

i propose a 'change the world day'... i propose it be at summer solstice... i propose it be 'location independent'

of course, 'change the world day' has to be co-ed...

just think of the energy literally coming from all of us as we 'change the world together in a location-independent setting'...

EmmATX said...

Impressive "jorts" on that hipster hill bomber.

Anonymous said...

Carnegie? What the hell are you talking about?

http://www.fundinguniverse.com/company-histories/Waldbaum-Inc-Company-History.html

Anonymous said...

"Get the church involved in social justice and creation care"

1. I thought the church was already involved in creation.
2. Do they help us with our creations? Which creations are those?
3. Isn't this covered under "Day care?"

Anonymous said...

You stated in yesterday's diatribe that "In short, a person on a city bike who can't fix a flat is at worst merely a hapless commuter, whereas a person on a professional-quality race bike who can't fix a flat comes off as a preening idiot. "

Absolutely ridiculous, thoughtless ane nasty comment. There is no correlation between the equipment one uses and one's mechanical ability, and suggesting that one without mechanical ability is an "idiot" simply because he buys a custom bike is plain stupid. Indeed, you seem to understand it's stupid, but say it nonetheless. That's sad -- are you a Tea-partier without a brain?

People buy custom bikes for many reasons, but the best reason is that they want a bike that fits them to a tee, enhancing riding and reducing discomfort. Nothing wrong with that -- unless you're a prick who can't afford to do that and are envious of those who do.

ringcycles said...

Desert Rider, I think you're close to the truth, Mr. minimalist's ex likely dumped him because she was fed up with his using her things like he owned them, and then preaching that he owned practically nothing. Who wants to date a preachy hermit in a purple tank top anyway.

Anonymous said...

Watching that guy burn up a perfectly good tire isn't minimalist, it's wasteful and idiotic. There is nothing simple about replacing you tire every time you do a real ride. My favorite part of the video was watching him almost crash "Beloki" style just trying to slow down. What a dildo.

-Fixie Hater.

ringcycles said...

or it could be that "location independant boyfriend" is minimalist jargon for promiscuous philanderer

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:28pm,

I am either a Tea-Partier without a brain, or a sarcastic bike blogger. I'll leave it up to you to decide.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Helvetica?

Maybe I am not as cool as I thought, but you'd better be using a serif'd font if you expect me to be reading your Jesus mumbo jumbo.

Grump said...

"It was not my intention to imply that we must all somehow live up to our possessions"

It's always mine....when it comes to bikes.

In my "perfect world", riders would need a "permit" to buy upper level components. Most nimrod riders would be restricted to ride Sora, or maybe Tiagra components. 105 components would be permitted for Cat 5's. Ultegra and Dura Ace would be permitted for "Serious" riders. IMO, a "serious" rider, is one who has crashed a few times, and still pins on his number.

Anonymous said...

OK -- so you're just being sarcastic? I accept that. But you're writing for the masses and there's really no way to tell if you're being serious or not (really). Bad enough we have to deal with real morons who write things that are senseless -- and convince the masses that these things make sense (e.g., Obama is not an Amercan) -- now we have to deal with intelligent people writing senseless things.

Keep on writing what you want, but I'd personally not write things that you know make no sense and encourage reverse-elitism.

Shlepzig said...

Like a game of existential musical chairs, what happens to the minimalists as their friends (noticing somebody who never has to ante up the rent) also all become minimalist, and nobody has a couch for the others to sleep on.

How many minimalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they own no lamps, somebody else will probably take care of those details for them.

-Shlep'

J. Silverheels Gray said...

Snob --

Regarding betting on who will be the last rider standing: Have you ever watched The Triplets of Belleville?

Anonymous said...

How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None! They can't fit in a light bulb! That's why the screw on the couch.

Dennis said...

Don't forget to put food on the Hopper's table.

Anonymous said...

"Riding a track bike keeps me on the ground, focused on the moment and connected to the universe - with no questions left to solve."

Perhaps it should be: no questions left to answer; except where to get a new rear tire while sitting at the bottom of the Stelvio.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

eb said...

Another note on equipment to skill difference. I agree that the larger the difference, the more ridiculous, but disagree that no difference is optimal. I'm a firm believer in getting better equipment than you can 'fill out' right now. This serves two purposes: it eliminates the need for constant upgrades (which I understand also bother you) and having decent equipment makes a sport (even one to which you are just being introduced) more enjoyable (e.g. 'I find cycling really annoying because my pedals are always falling off'). Just a note on yesterday's now clarified column.

IBS said...

...after day...

le correcteur said...

Anonymous 12:28 and 12:50

BS hit a sore spot, did he? Still have trouble changing those tubes when you flat on your custom? And are your dimensions so very off standard that you *need* that custom?

Really, if the blog bugs you, don't read it; otherwise you come across as an oversensitive putz, while the rest of us are trying not to seem like idiots b/c we're laughing at our screens in a strange and maniacal way.

innerlighter said...

Nice work Snobby! What's not to like?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems the Hill Bomber (Tire Killer) calf tat reads "NO BRAKE(S) NO LIFE"
It seems to me that is a hipster contradiction in terms.
Also, how is it that putting sunglasses on something or someone is a quasi shorthand representation of "cool"?

meh

Anonymous said...

I am beginning to realize that my commute to work has been less than epic. I have decided to add a meaningful soundtrack and add a few skids along the way. I realize "adding" anything to my ride is going in the wrong direction from the covetable goal of the minimalist life. And unfortunately I cannot be truly hipsterish because I still wear a helmet, but once the kids grow up and move out I take off that helmet and...

Anonymous said...

first?

innerlighter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

this is the worst blog ever! i couldn't believe how mean and crass it is. so I decided to go back and read every post from the first ever post. I still couldn't believe it. so I read them all over again. you are wasting my life. you don't know how long it takes me to read all that trash! i will read through them all only one more time and that's it. if i don't find any redeeming value i will call the authorities!!!

ant1 said...

anon 12:28 - fixing a flat isn't exactly a mechanical ability. anyone with at least one hand can learn to do it in under 10 minutes. people who don't bother to learn and then got out and get a flat are idiots. but don't worry, it's curable. most of them probably learn the lesson the first time it happens to them.

innerlighter said...

Oh, and there's this

meh 2.0

Anonymous said...

I think it would be even cooler (i.e. more ridiculously inappropriate) if the fixie guy tackled that epic hill on a big wheel or maybe an inverted pogo stick, now that would be totally gnarly.

Anonymous said...

One of your best! I couldn't stop laughing.
-Adam

Anonymous said...

anon 12:28 and 12:50 - stop crying, crybaby

Cool The Kid said...

Today's post made me laugh and fume simultaneously

Good work BSNY

Jim said...

Hipster racing: putting the cock in cockfighting since 2007.

Anonymous said...

how can you justify not learning how to fix a flat if you ride a bike? I was patching tubes in 2nd grade on my POS huffy that i loved so much. i wouldn't throw away a tube unless it had been patched about 20 times and simply wouldn't hold air. if a 2nd grader can patch a tube, a person who is ostensibly intelligent enough to have earned the money to buy a custom bike has no excuse. pathetic. seriously, if you ride farther than you would care to walk, watch a five minute tuturial on youtube and learn how to fix a flat. all you need are tire levers, a pump, a patch kit, and spare tube (in case of blow-out).
-Adam

Duh... said...

Sunglasses make you cool, cause if you wear them, it means you just smoked a bunch of weed.

And smoking a bunch of weed is cool.

quod erat demonstrandum.

beltedone said...

Ok - i ride single speeds now and then. Mostly i build then to sell to college students in the city. My road bike had a flat sunday so i decided to use the miyata 512 single speed instead.

WHAT A SUCKY RIDE. Three miles up hill was no fun in one speed. I thought ok, the crappy part is over. I'll have fun going downhill on the way back.

WRONG. Without gears, the downhill sucked too.

Single Speeds are awful.

They should be banned. Single speed riders should be stopped from reproducing.

Niall said...

The article in Christianity Today was a fascinating read, much more so than the first page, which reads like the lifestyle tedium articles in the NYT or WSJ, suggests. What happens when the two forces in the US most adept at co-opting identities collide? Probably a "Meh-pocalypse," but at least the author's put some thought into it. I wish he'd had more pages to reach a less open-ended conclusion.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

Pesky Christians.

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

You're a tea-partier, right?

Jefe said...

"Tea-Partier without a brain" is redundant. See clips of Christine O'Donnell. See also, clips of Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

OBA said...

@ Annonymous:
"But you're writing for the masses and there's really no way to tell if you're being serious or not (really)."

Did you spend hour after hour looking for a copy of "Smell the Glove" in the record store?

Mike said...

Bravo!

David Henderson said...

For some reason I think it would be fascinating is Anonymous 12:28 was indeed the same fellow that BSNYC helped out (very nice and admirable BTW) and then wrote about in yesterday's post, only with the social limit screws removed (or at least backed out).

Anonymous said...

hey snob dont you think people who insist you have to carry around a pump, tubes, patchkit and tire levers in nyc are kinda douchey? i mean anybody worth their salt in the city has tire liners anyway. carrying around that crap is just another form of self aggrandizing cycling bs. admittedly you cant publicly curate a flat restoration demonstration outside chari & co without it but you can just get on the subway and go home.

ant1 said...

pretty sure snobby's no tea partier. tea bagger on the other hand...

333 said...

anon 12:28, a pinarello is not a custom bicycle. you must have accidentally forgot that, in your typing rage. now go fix my flat.

ringcycles said...

Sing it with me:

"Ain't no party
Like a Bike Snob tea-party
'cause a Bike Snob tea-party
don't quit!"

Anonymous said...

OBA - do you have a copy of "Smell the Glove"?! I've been looking for years. I can't find it anywhere.

OBA said...

I only have it on 8-track, sorry...

grog said...

Snob, Excellent post today, and most entertaining comments had the sharks circling. Fixing flats is the second lesson of cycling. Back in the day we used screwdriver levers, cut patches from old tubes, and Monkey Grip rubber cement. Today's materials are much better; these must be the good ole days.

Laska's Bite said...

And I hillbomb on my p-far, so seize that honkuses(es)!

Anonymous Coward said...

Snob - gangter-inspired

Anonymous said...

My guess is that when he said "No, I would still have 57 things..." girlfriend walked & never looked back.

Paul Bowen said...

Christ on a crappy ten-speed conversion!

Anonymous said...

OBA:
+1

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob -
Maybe it's time to start encouraging reverse reverse-elitism, because I think people are getting wise to you.

dux said...

While riding my Pinarello, which has sew ups filled with
Stan's No Tubes sealant, I carry neither pump nor patch but rather Taxi Fare.

Minimalism at its best: A one gram Hundred dollar bill.

Anonymous said...

"It was not my intention to imply that we must all somehow live up to our possessions..."

Enjoyed the Wilde reference.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Anon 12:28

Knowing how to change a flat
enhances riding and reduces discomfort WAAAAAY more than a custom bike....

...and I have a custom bike.

Anonymous said...

fixing your flats and patching your punctured tubes are different. i can change out a flat in a few minutes but i'm not gonna sit on the roadside and wait for a damn patch to dry and then hope that it holds down 120psi for the next 2hrs. besides, a new tube from preformance is like $3.00. money well spent i say.

and who cares if pros can fix their own flats? they have people to do that for them so that they can stay riding and it makes sense for them to practice what they'll encounter in a race, i.e., a dude running over and changing out their wheel or bike before they can even care what's wrong with it.

Mutally assured destruction said...

Hipster cage fighting would be best both in its brevity and its violence - everything about them is a competition. They're worse than Lance!

Jim said...

57 Things would be a good theme for a Cake song.

Erich said...

The last post of minimalist dude reads like a cry for help.

"I knew a guy who died once and it really bummed me out"

"My girlfriend dumped me"

"Now that I work part time I spend the other 22 hrs every day just doing nothing"

"I've been doing Yoga, you should too. Come on, go with me to Yoga. Please?"

"I wish Battlestar Galactica was real"

Shu-Sin said...

i have a custom bike... i custom-ed it myself... but lobstergod help me when i get a flat... i always wish a snob on a cargo bike with wheelbrows would stop and change my tube... then we could 'change the world' together... right there and then...

Anonymous said...

Wasn't Smell the Glove actually released as the Black Album?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Smell The Glove

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 12:28pm & 12:50pm brings his own palpable brand of ironic minimalism to the table...

...no sense of offbeat humor & no appreciation whatsoever for the absurd...

...on top of that, he was so intent on pointing that out, he actually posted the same comment yesterday & transferred it over today...

...minimalist effort searching for maximum effect...

Anonymous said...

Jesus wasn't a hipster.
Jesus was a biker maan.

That calf tattoo looks more Brighton Beach inspired than LA gangster to me, but what do I kwow I'm just a BS (BikeSnob) Eurotrash Fanboy.

SLAM said...

Last! but then, us montrealers are always a bit late.

Anonymous said...

"People keep on bringing up Infinite Jest when they talk about my work, which kind of scares me."

Everett Bogue is SUCH AN ASSHOLE

Anonymous Coward said...

The question is how much more Everett can you get? The answer is none; none more Everett.

bikesgonewild said...

...dux...

...if you're paying a hundred bucks a gram you're paying too much...

...oh, sorry...i read your comment wrong...my bad...

...but a good taxi driver should be able too...oh, never mind...

...i'm just sayin'...

Chris said...

Notice that the guy in the fixie hill ride video has proper cycling shoes but does not wear a helmet or cycling shorts. I don't get it. He has a fancy track bike but is too cool to use what every proper cyclist would not go without. Also stupid: huge hoody which cooks you going up hill and acts like a sail going down.

Anonymous said...

free tire changes are rare.. where i work the charge is aboot $10 for the task. and if guy has a nice custom rig and i give him some advise as i restore his inflatable it might could be $15. plus the cost of the tube of course. then i will make a beer run!

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Save us hipster Jesus!

Keep helping people with flats. Maybe the next person you help os the real hipster Jesus then boom! You are taken up in the rapture! Even if you do not want to go! We don't make the rules!

Awesome picture of the magazine cover. That guy had skilz!

Anonymous said...

Love that video dude's seat angle. Torque that baby downward in front. A sure sign he hates having to spin as much as he has to.

Waiting for the Lube God said...

I see and hear many expensive bikes making squeaking and gnashing sounds as they go by. Painful.

I am the unwashed masses engine said...

"But you're writing for the masses and there's really no way to tell if you're being serious or not (really)."

Shit, I am pretty sure I can tell when you are being serious or not, that is one of the reasons it is funny.

Anonymous said...

While swiping one's plastic for that high-end piece, how about asking the joe at the LBS how to change a flat, lower the seat or get the long chain-linky thing back on. Or does minimalism mean minimal questions too? Sir Snob, Please continue mashing the crap out of it all.

Samuel said...

From Mr. 57 Things' post:

"I’ve decided that working 2 hours a day is overrated.

Yes, it was fun figuring out how to do it, but eventually you realize that the other 22 hours in a day could be dedicated to changing the world. So, why not start doing that instead?

I’ll be launching something in the next few weeks that will change the worlds of a few people who want to work less and change more. I’ll give you a shout, and you’ll have an opportunity to join."

Seriously wondering now if this whole thing is an incredibly elaborate cover for a MLM/pyramid scheme of some kind.

Samuel said...

Wait, answered my own question: not quite a pyramid scheme, just a book-flogging exercise.

http://www.minimalistbusiness.com/minimalist-business.php

And the guy's latest post is a ball of hilarity too:

http://www.farbeyondthestars.com/how-to-meet-remarkable-people-when-you-live-and-work-from-anywhere/

"The value of being location independent is that you can also have an open schedule. If someone calls, just say ‘yah, why not now?’ For example, my old roommate Bianca just got back into town and Facebooked me because she was bored. I wasn’t doing anything either (or anything I couldn’t do later), so I said ‘let’s go hang out in the park!’ And then a wild adventure started that ended when I had to get back on the BART to avoid turning into a pumpkin."

nate rides a bike said...

anon 12:28 and 12:50

a. this blog might be a little over your head.

b. you sound like that loud guy who shows up late to a party where everyone else is having a blast, and starts bitching about the music.

c. it is EXTREMELY frustrating to see someone cruising at 10mph on a custom carbon race bike with the bars 6 inches higher than the saddle, who can name maybe 4 parts on the bike, when youre cranking thousands of miles out on the same beater that youve rebuilt a dozen times yourself. wasted potential. its like the people who buy big ass work trucks with a v10, and they lower it and put rims on it... get that thing offroad or in front of a trailer where it belongs.

d. theyre so stupid they cant understand that theyd be WAY more comfortable on a $100 mountain bike, but that wouldnt show off their bankroll.

i am the stupid engine said...

100

Anonymous said...

sunglasses are for douchebags and so is smoking weed or drinking alcohol

Anonymous said...

right. snoopy is a douchebag.

nice try.

leroy said...

Sorry I'm late. Flat tire.

Is it too late to wager $50 bucks on the liberal arts major from Bennington? He seems a strapping young fellow. Huzzah!

FIXA FLAT said...

beltedoneUsing one gear is like breaking in a pair of good boots or a Brooks saddle. At first it sucks, but then it gets a lot better. The new normal.
You're just not used to it.
And it sucks sometimes.

Anon. 1:31
Thank you.
I had a 3rd-hand Schwinn Sting-Ray and repaired flats with a spoon for a tire lever, and one of those stupid Camel patch kits with thick red rubber patches, because I didn't have money to spend on a patch kit or a tube at the department store. Bothering your parents to get it fixed just wastes your time and annoys the parents.

And my money was meant to be spent on candy and soda.

Anon. 12:28 One without enough mechanical ability to swap a tube and pump it up IS indeed an idiot. Either the ineptitude to perform the task or or the lack of foresight to seek to learn such an essential task makes this obvious.

Buying up and beyond one's ability to take advantage of the technology is merely just wasteful and blatantly conspicuous consumption. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

John and Emmy said...

You have given us a view to a lot of lame cycling-themed videos over these last few years, but I think this one takes the cake. Never has someone tried so hard to look so cool while douche-ing it up quite like this. I would love to know how long it took him to complete this epic dork-fest of a ride.

PawnShop said...

The hipster issue of Christianity Today is more ironic than they probably intended - one of the banners is for an article about a flying car you can believe in. Yeah, right.
-------------------------------

Oh, and anon @12:28 & 12:50:

whoooosh!!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that guy - that man incapable of original thought and a horrendous writer - has the fucking nerve to compare himself to David Foster Wallace.

Unfuckingbelievable.

No wonder he's disabled comments.

campbell fdy said...

maybe wendy wants to be where cool meets christ and wear superfluous scarves? when alix left the sofa did she take any of their shared things? did wendy take or leave any? too bad wendy didnt have the truck nuts for neverland loser

the bike dork said...

OMG! there is nothing more tedious than pedaling down hill! I mean here is a dude who has the opportunity ride in what looks like the Alps, and he chooses the worst possible bike to do it with. Ok I get it. Also and on top of that I think my wife of twenty years would leave me if I showed up in my minimalist purple tank, sweats, and Fry boot ensemble. Good for you Wendy! Show some taste in this world of TTMBL. Wow… Jesus eaves loves hipsters, I did not see that coming, but we can learn from this. Love.

Anonymous said...

I 'spose some of these rich folks on expensive bikes don't know their derailleurs from their derrieres ...

cyclotourist said...

UNWA SHED

VULV ULAR

eurodude said...

Having a super top-level bike and not knowing how to fix a flat is like owning a Ferrari and not knowing how to refill at the gas station.

It´s miserable.

Eurotrash said...

Ahh, funny, funny, funny.
Now I`ll go and "save the world".

Superbicyclerepairman said...

Chris on a fucking bike! Sex offenders in church! Well at least they're honest about it.... Maybe Anon @ 12:28 goes to church, that would explain things.
Wish I could get a copy of that mag here in blighty, looks like it'd be a laugh a minute.

ant1 said...

anon 6:55 - good one

Anonymous said...

I’m a little late on the “rich folk and their stupid purchases” posts. But, you seem to be operating (for the sake of your own argument), under the assumption that the “best of the best” equipment is, in fact, better, that there are somehow “levels” of carbon fiber frame, that Cervelo and Pinarello are “pro” level and, therefore, if you ride them you better be sure be “pro-ish.” The problem with that line of thinking is that you have to accept that all this overpriced crap is better, when it’s really all a fucking scam. You seem to think that these people aren’t stupid, but, they *are*. They, like you, think this stuff is “the best!” Cervelos, Seven (and all the rest) *are* zip lock bags with a fancy name on them. Anyone, (rich or poor) who falls for bullshit (marketing, bad science, stupid ideas) should be pitied, and then educated. In short,*anyone* on a twelve-thousand dollar bike is in need of a major intervention.

ant1 said...

anon 10:22 - the hype and marketing aspect of the top of the line components has been addressed. consensus seems to be that at least part of it is bullshit, but there are some measurable differences between a nashbar frame and a dogma. is it worth the difference in price? depends how much money you have. and we understand that a lot of the carbon frames come from the same factories, but that does not make the equal. bmw probably makes 318s and 330s (or whatever they're called now) in the same factory. doesn't mean both offer the same level of performance.

Aaron said...

Any riding advice for someone hanging in Brooklyn? I've been getting around a bit, but would like some local input on best time to ride and where (I have all day, and AM has seemed busy)? I've got a skinny tire bike along and I'm good for several hrs.

Any thoughts on the NYCC, I was thinking of going to their Escape NY this Sat. I'd be showing solo and hoping to hop in with some smooth rollers for 100 miles? Will it be all mega-buck bike bores or will there be some characters that would welcome an additional freak into the gang for the day?

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I hate to blow a cool breeze up your skirt, but you're a creative, humerous dude. Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

Lots of retarded comments here from people who have no idea what they're talking about. No matter how much your bike costs, you suck if you don't know how to fix your own flat. Takes five minutes, maybe ten if you're patching the tube. Saves time & money. Duh.

Octavian said...

Anon 6:55

easily the funniest thing so far this week.

Josh said...

"So perhaps some of these people, instead of "sponsoring themselves" (to paraphrase the Assos marketing slogan) should instead sponsor more talented riders to ride their bikes for them."

-Thank you for the greatest comment ever.

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