Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Corrections: I Can See Clearly Now

This past Friday, on October something-or-other in the year 2000-something-or-other, I administered a series of challenging questions, or what people in the education industry refer to as a "quiz." This so-called "quiz" can be viewed by clicking on the following phrase:


Or, alternately, by clicking on this photo of a bowl of New England clam chowder:

For those of you who don't know your chowders, New England clam chowder is the white one, Manhattan clam chowder is the red one, and "Cleveland clam chowder" is not actually a chowder but rather a slang term for a particularly filthy sex act, so keep that in mind when ordering to avoid disappointment, embarrassment, or arrest.

At this point, you're probably thinking, "That quiz was like months ago! Why are you bringing it up now?" Well, it has been brought to my attention by a popular cycling-themed bag, clothing and shoe company that the so-called "right" answer to one of the questions on this quiz was actually wrong. Here is the question in question:
As the Chrome representative explains:

...the two people who got the Chrome logo did so at their own will and were unexpectedly gifted bags as flattered thank yous. We definitely didn't expect people to volunteer the logo designs, and felt our die-hard loyalists deserved a special thanks for their continued support.

So what does all of this mean? Well, it means the following:

1) Anybody who answered "False" to question #7 on the quiz dated October something-or-other, 2000-whatever, will receive full credit on the question;

2) Anybody who answered "True" to this same question will also receive full credit, unless your urine or blood samples are found to contain Clenbuterol and/or plastic residue;

3) The members of the "bike culture" who got tattooed are not "bag whores" as I implied, since they did not get Chrome logo tattoos in exchange for money or goods. Instead, they are technically "bag sluts," since they got Chrome logo tattoos without expecting anything in return. This is an important distinction;

4) The sex act known as the "Cleveland clam chowder" is legal in Nevada, but it is illegal if you also order it in a "bread bowl."

My sincere apologies to Chrome Cycling Trends, Inc., all affected quiz-takers, and any unintentionally maligned "bag sluts" for my error. I guess that's what I get for not attending Interbike. (Though I did get to keep my dignity as a consolation prize.)


Apparently, they did not approve of his bicycle, which he describes thusly:

I have a silver 8-Gear TREK bike. It is not stylish. I bought it off a fidgety thug in the East Village. “Look at this seat! You know how much this seat costs?” He asked.

“No.”

“Two hundred dollars!”

“The seat?”

“Yup.”

“How much do you want for the bike?”

“Fifty.” Money switched hands, and thus my mountain biking life began.


Following this, the Nylon writer says: "If you ride a fixed gear bike, you don’t actually get to scoff at me." Actually, this is wrong, and the truth is everybody gets to scoff at him. Why? Because when you buy a bicycle for $50 from a "fidgety thug in the East Village" it means you're riding around on somebody else's stolen bike, and whether it's "a silver 8-gear TREK bike," or a Chari & Co.-curated freewheel "tarck" masterpiece, or a "Bicycling" magazine-reviewed road-tarded crabon fribĂ© Fredcycle, you automatically forfeit the moral high ground and relegate yourself to the bottom of the cycling hierarchy the moment you hand the salesman his drug money. (Or, I suppose, the moment you decide to keep the bike instead of at least making an attempt to find the rightful owner.) I certainly have little patience for the preening self-importance of the "fixter," but at least most of them buy their bikes legitimately (with their parents' money). In any case, if you've recently found yourself less a silver 8-speed Trek bicycle, you might want to contact the editorial staff of Nylon to get it back.

If nothing else, that fateful encounter in which a pair of "fixter" doofi and a rube from Nylon wearing a wool blazer and riding a stolen Trek stood there glowering at each other must have been nothing short of a "circle jerk" of cluelessness, and this article was the inevitable "issue." Alas, if only some cycling optics company would make a pair of glasses that allowed clueless people to see things as they really are (sort of like those glasses in "They Live"), then the rest of us could be spared this kind of ejaculate in the future. In the meantime, it looks like we have to settle for glasses that show us our heart rate and wattage, like this pair forwarded to me by a reader:

As if roadies and triathletes weren't already "dorking out" hard enough, here comes a pair of sunglasses that means they won't even have to look down at the displays fastened to their crabon handlebars to see how slow they are. I wonder if the glasses also tell you what to say in certain situations, like in the famous "Fuck You, Asshole" scene in "The Terminator:"

They could allow you to choose from any of four Fred-tastic phrases:

It's perfect for that next group ride, Cat 5 road race, or charity event.

I was also intrigued to note that the glasses have an "audio system," which must be like like having your own personal directeur sportif:

Click here to experience what they say when a gap starts to open;

Click here to experience what they say when a gap gets too big;

Click here to experience what they say when you encounter a "fixter" or fashion writer on a stolen bicycle;

Click here to experience what they say when you encounter more than one vagina.

If they come with customizable regional accents and a free cleaning cloth, I don't know how you could say no.

Speaking of exciting new products, I recently received an email from the manufacturers of something called the "Stemie," which evidently protects the "pants yabbies" or vaginae during the sort of groin-to-stem contact you might encounter during elephant trunk skidding or other forms of pointless bicycle dry-humping:

What puzzled me most about this product was the actual name. I assume "Stemie" is supposed to refer to the "stem," and that you would pronounce the name of the product to rhyme with "Lemmy." However, with only one "m" I can't help reading this as "steamy," which--if you're immature like me--evokes a certain "steamy" companion act to the "Cleveland clam chowder." Then again, that could be what they were going for, and it does explain the final question in their "FAQ:"

In any case, if you have an inordinate amount of trouble with your stem jabbing you in the "breadbowl," then perhaps this is the product for you.

90 comments:

Anonymous said...

snorbitz woz ere

Nogocyclist said...

I am here at last

Nogocyclist said...

I got in without one of those errors taking me out.

Anonymous said...

Podium?

tomfrit said...

Moin!

Rick Donkey said...

I'd like to thank my butcher

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

agent detroit said...

top ten, bitches!

samh said...

CLAMSNOBCLE

Anonymous said...

yowza

ChumpyMcFeckles said...

Top 10?

ringcycles said...

can I have two please?

Anonymous said...

love an angry dragon

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

My glasses didn't tell me to sprint!

We saw the 4iiii device at Interbike. I was personally hoping that they had x-ray cabability.

Shu-Sin said...

dang... food... hungry... falling back...

mikeweb said...

Nogo! Yes!!

Lunchtime now.

Anonymous said...

[glasses display]: Now eat 20 almonds and 1 medium apple.
[roadie]: But I want a BIG apple ... please???
[glasses display]: You're slow and fat. NO.

Frank Eeckman said...

[heads-up display] pull up

hillbilly said...

giddyup

the bike dork said...

perhaps he got the bike from Lemmy... complete with 200 dollar stemie

Anonymous said...

if it is a bad break
is it loose vaginea
that warrants no thor hushovd milk?

Paul Bowen said...

Wait, "CARRRUP!" is Fred-specific? I mean I don't mind, I accept, even embrace my Freddism (although, having said that, I did come 48th in the short course Ride Of The Falling Leaves sportive on Sunday, so, y'know, bit of respect) but what do, for example Cat 1 riders shout to alert one another to impending automotive presence?

Also, is anyone else completely flummoxed by the Stemie?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Comment deleted said...

My heads-up says: "YOU SUCK!"

STEM SELL said...

BALL FROG

crosspalms said...

Cleveland is a more interesting place than I'd imagined. No chowder or tattoos for me, thanks, maybe just a salad today.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

stemie said...

THUG BIKE

etherhuffer said...

The proper thing to do if being passed is to look back over your shoulder. If the passer is fully covered in lycra from head to toe, yell at your forward riders "Lycra on the left!"

I cannot describe the evil stares that this generates.

Paul Bowen said...

@etherhuffer: who wears lycra on their head?

On the rides I go on your really funny quip would wear thin quickly and generate perplexed frowns because everyone wears lycra. Just out of interest, what do you think we ought to be wearing for a ride of, say, 50 miles? Tweed?

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm wearing a 'stemie' as we speak & there's not a bicycle to be seen...

...just sayin'...

etherhuffer said...

Sure! Rougher the better! Builds character.

Anonymous said...

a little more acerbic today than usual, who shat in your cleveland clam chowder today snobby?

Steamy Chowder said...

Other Fred outcrys:
"sorry!!"
"you ride like an a$$hole!"
"hills??!!"
"anyone seen a Starbucks?"
"nice kit"
"are we racing now?"
"I only have an hour"

Anonymous said...

etherhuffer,

good point, "on your left" I fucking hate that. most of the time it's not needed and the only time I get passed by one of these agro "on your left" screaming dorks is in heavy traffic where they refuse to slow down to an appropriate speed to avoid a collision. Anyway, my standard retort is "on your right". the bike dorks love that.

Anonymous said...

ha, some really funny shit today.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I've devised a model of the glasses with a slightly refined version of the audio directeur sportif:

Click Here to experience what it says when you encounter more than one vagina.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

BTW - I've NEVER actually seen or met a person who has jammed their pants yabbies on their stem or top tube - I think the whole thing is myth.

JayBiggidy said...

“Circle Jerk of Cluelessness,” the new album from Nylon Fred and the Douches, drops Oct 12

Anonymous said...

It looks like Nylon magazine shut down the comments field after a flurry of dress downs from angry cyclists.

Good job people.

Richard said...

Please excoriate this:

http://lovelybike.blogspot.com/2010/10/bicycle-boutique-sustainable-model.html#comments

Tony I said...

I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubble gum.

Anonymous said...

Im cool. Me and my buddies all have matching kits. Dont we look fast?

Anonymous said...

Mr Snob, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE TIRADE. I cannot afford to abuse my wallet by paying close to msrp with my own self righteousness alone.

A bike theif is a bike theif - whether you profit from buying a cheap bike or selling it.

The worst thing about it here in NY is that, usually, the 300 dollar 20 year old 'vintage/minty' rust-bucket is only a couple Saturday night's PBR money away from a better, safe, brand new bike.

Keep it up, theres a couple of Craigslist bike bandits ripe for the razzing. I might even have to buy your book instead of pirating it onto a bike/smartphone friendly text file.

Anonymous said...

I'm ashamed to admit that I once slipped from my pedal (on a city bike) that resulted in a fight between the top tube and the pants yabbies. The top tube won.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sorry for the late comment, but for obvious reasons, I had to wait until my secretary went to lunch before clicking on the link to discover the proper pronunciation of "vaginae."

Funny, in Kentucky, that is how they pronounce it in the singular.

crosspalms said...

I rode a century a couple of years ago where one group had matching Bertolli olive oil outfits, right down to the red booties to cover their shoes. I thought they were hilarious, so I was disappointed when I found out they were also really fast.

Anonymous said...

perhaps he got the bike from Lemmy...

don't think so, Lemmy doesn't fidget

ROCK GODD

dux said...

all this talk about fixed queers is making me wonder
how it all got started? Who was first to go forth less than geared? was it a step forward or just a step in a
steaming pile? inquiring minds don't give a fuck.

grog said...

I am not a witch.
OBEY WEED

Anonymous said...

"2) Anybody who answered "True" to this same question will also receive full credit, unless your urine or blood samples are found to contain Clenbuterol and/or plastic residue;"

That's just freaking funny, I gots to testify.

CommieCanuck said...

I guess I can call off that class-action suit now, that chowder thing really pissed me off for weeks. My lawyer suggested the suit as book sales and revenues from coffee could mean settlements in the high tens of dollars.

Those glasses are uber-cool, when you look at another rider, you get an instant readout of EPO levels and amount of tainted Spanish meat consumed.

By the way, the Stemie is not named because it attaches to the stem, it's named because the inventor was Lemmy's brother, Stemie Kilmister.

If you buy this on Amazon, you will see people who bought this, also bought:

Depends undergarments
Protective foam pedestrian helmets
blunted forks

Anonymous said...

Why did Chrome bring tattoo equipment to Interbike in the first place?

Comment deleted said...

Anon 2:31:

Strange, my response to "on your left" is "thanks", which is short for "thanks for letting me know, so that we don't kill each other".

bikesgonewild said...

...@deleted comment...while i fully agree with your response, i did kinda like anon 2:31pm's retort of "on your right"...

crosspalms said...

I'm with bgw. Last week some guy murmured "on your left" as he passed me so close he could have nuzzled my ear. "Thanks" doesn't really cut it there. Faceful of chowder maybe...

crosspalms said...

"blunted forks"
Thanks, CC, you made me snort

Comment deleted said...

or chunder...this is especially effective on a nausea-inducing hill-climb.

"On your left..."

"Errrggghhaaabluh...On your shirt."

I am a soiled seat engine said...

" The sun shining on my face, as I bobbed my head side to side, singing “Just Another Manic Monday.” I felt good. I felt real good."

Why do fashion editors always have the need to write articles about bikes?
A 200 dollar seat is not worth 200 after having been used. No seat is worth 200 dollars when new.

Anonymous said...

Share your thoughts with the esteemed Nylon writer here:

http://twitter.com/NoahWunsch

Fred said...

That's funny, I had a Stemie on my BMX bike in 1974. It was checkered and imprinted with the outline of my yet to descend testicles.

We just called it a "pad" back then, fools that we were.

Udder said...

While clam chowder may contain steamer clams, I believe that you've confused "Cleveland Chowder" with the real act named "Cleveland Steamer."

Quickblade de Sade said...

If someone treats my daughter or my sister like that, I'll cut their balls off.

David Henderson said...

For some reason the word vaginae makes me think of this word and Spanish meat

hoot79er said...

By far your most scatological post to date.

Questioning said...

What else are you supposed to say if you are passing someone, say, on a multi-user pathway?

"Excuse me kind sir/madam, I would like to announce my forthcoming arrival behind you, so I am hereby giving notice so as to prevent alarm and your weaving leftward."

Better? I doubt it. I personally appreciate some courtesy rather than some jackass blowing by me with zero warning. Maybe it's just me.

A bell is better, but sometimes they break/get wet and don't work.

Mr. Do said...

@ Paul Bowen:

actually, in the ghetto, gangsters and wannabees wear lycra "do-rags" on their heads so it is possible if a bit implausible to be clad head to toe in lycra.

Anonymous said...

Howdy

I love this work here,I don´t know if you are into Poker, I wrote this topic to see if there is anyone that can give me a help, cause I found a free poker money bonus at http://www.english.pokersemdeposito.com/ for Fortune Poker the problem is now I don´t know where to start playing ! heads up or Double or Nothing? wath should I Play and wath stakes?Cause Ido not learned much Pokerstrategy!

stay safe

No Comment said...

Youtubers are a bunch of kooks- the They Live clip had a bunch of Illuminati and Zionist conspiracy crap comments and the Terminator clip had a FU Obama comment. I should stop reading comments.

Anonymous said...

Please BSNYC comment on the newest tarck bike trend that is sweeping Europe: http://wimp.com/bicycleskill/

Anonymous said...

Teacher: "Johnny, can you use "vaginae" in a sentance?"

Johnny: "Certainly. Efficiency experts suggest that when perusing internet porn, you look only at photos containing multiple vaginae so as to speed the process of autoerotica."

Anonymous said...

fred
checkered pads in 74?
douche poser is fred
possible the only true fred type

Web Designer said...

me too...

Anonymous said...

show-daire? say it right! it's chowdah!

Anonymous said...

My concern with things like the terminator heads up display, electronic shifting, gps and internet connected cycling computers etc is that we are steadily approaching the game changing moment known as The Singularity. A point in time when our bicycles become self aware, more intelligent than us and inevitably become our masters. We the riders, the vestigial biological components of the bicycle will at best be subjugated to a mere means of propulsion, or with improvements in electrical motor assist may become altogether redundant. I for one am currently stocking up my various isolated weapon caches and preparing my Big Dummy for road warrior battle with the collective minded cybernetic roadies of the future. I imagine that they will be terribly quick, but their one weakness is that they just won't be able to resist calling out "on your left!" when approaching for the kill, giving me enough time to swing the shot gun around and pump them full of performance de-enhancing lead. ce

Anonymous said...

Dear CommieCanuck

Are you an impostor of the CommieCanuck that we all loved?
Seems like you have been taken over by a gay uncle or that samh i am fellow.
Hoping for your safe return or at least the comments of some other sharp witted asshole.

-spence

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ce, it appears that you are endorsing a "buy" recommendation on Cyberdyne stock, no?

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerckx, save the effort, your money will be worth nothing. I have to go now, I'm trying to contact that "James the Rolling Lighthouse" fella on the ham radio. With his ingenious cockpit mounted high intensity light stun weapon, his grungy camo jacket and his patriotic display he looks to have just the right amount of crazy to be a valuable member of The Resistance. If he ends up winning the Cocky award, his high profile might also prove beneficial in our recruitment efforts. ce

MyWorld said...

The Corrections: They look like Franzen's glasses.

Anonymous said...

Coastiedouche here.Is the "Cleveland clam chowder" anything like a "Cincinatti Sparkplug"?Probably not.The latter involves a certain 9v battery.

Anonymous said...

Nard guard

Anonymous said...

The NARD Guard is actually the official name of my resistance movement.

The National Anti Robot Defence Guard

But, by all means feel free to popularise its use in other contexts, guerrillas lurk in muddied waters. ce

Anonymous said...

The Product Manager (PM) is responsible for leading Chrome’s product lines to ensure that it creates the best urban gear on the market. The PM achieves targeted sales and gross margin goals and consistently represents the company’s brand story...- Travels periodically (2-4x per year) to Asia factories to assist in beating the slaves.

Chrome Cycling Trends Inc. indeed, what a bunch of douche bags.

ABUTTLOL said...

I LOVE SPAMMING YOU

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you still haven't brought out how Contadope still finger bangs in front of the press even if it's to wipe a sincere tear.

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/photos/contador-press-conference-tour-de-france-winner-blames-food-for-positive-test/143533

Mark Adam said...

If you're expecting that much brutality, the least you could do is think prophylactically and put on a damn helmet.

Orient Express Trips said...

These all information which you can share over here is really very great. In all these there are so many things which is great.We definitely didn't expect people to volunteer the logo designs, and felt our die-hard loyalists.

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

Fixie Bikes said...

NEW ENGLAND CLAM CHOWDER IS DELICIOUS

AGREE'D!!

Johnsonbbaj said...

Youtubers are a bunch of kooks- the They Live clip had a bunch of Illuminati and Zionist conspiracy crap comments and the Terminator clip had a FU Obama comment. I should stop reading comments.