Contradictions: Contemplating the Mysteries of Cycling

In yesterday's post, I delved a bit into the world of weirdness. And weirdness is like an annoying song or a word you never heard before, because once you become aware of it you suddenly realize it's everywhere. Take for example the latest wheel from mail-order retailer Performance, forwarded to me by a reader:

I must admit I was taken in by this clever fabrication, and only realized it wasn't real when I tried to place an order for one to put on my Ironic Orange Julius Bike. While you might think that makes me gullible, keep in mind Performance have already referenced this blog in the past, so a prêt-à-rouler AYHSMB wheel is really not so far outside the velodrome of possibility.

And if you're looking for weird and real, look no further than this mind-bendingly freakish geared singlespeed cyclocross bike, photographed by a reader at the SSCXWC this past weekend:

At first glance, a bicycle with dual 39-tooth chainrings up front and eight 16-tooth cogs in the rear may seem pointless. But upon further reflection, it becomes apparent that this bicycle is not so much about functionality as it is about challenging the very definition of a singlespeed. Is a bicycle that shifts still a singlespeed? After all, there is only one possible gear ratio. Then again, does this bicycle offer the rider an advantage that the traditional singlespeed (or even the dinglespeed) does not--that being the ability to continue on in the event of a damaged cog or chainring without dismounting? Is this advantage cancelled out by the fact that damage to the derailleur could render the bike unrideable? Most importantly, what does this bicycle say about the world we live in? I put forth that it says a great deal about fate and the illusion of choice. If one believes in fate, then certainly one believes that regardless of what choices we make the end result will be the same. Are we not all shifting and shifting our whole lives yet never out-shifting inevitability? The fatalist would probably argue that we are. Whether you love or hate this bike may say less about your definition of a singlespeed than it does about your views on predestination and free will.

After viewing and pondering this photo I then visited HTATBL. I can't say with certainty whether I did so by fate or free will, but I can say I learned from the photo at the bottom of the page that the Predestination Bike belongs to none other than Chris DiStefano of Chris King as he is pictured with it. He confirmed that the bike shifts across the entire range front and rear, but he would neither confirm nor deny that Chris King is planning to bring a geared singlespeed drivetrain to market. (Though in fairness to him that was probably because I didn't ask him.) In any case, here's a closer look if you'd like to meditate on it further.

And this isn't the only perplexing bike out there. Not by a long shot. It appears that there's a one-man operation in Denver that specializes in freak bikes:

Fixie/Single Speed conversions, frames and complete bikes for sale. - $100 (Hardsole5280)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-11, 11:46PM MST

*High quality single speed and fixed gear conversions *I can build anything from a sturdy polished turd to a fully blinged out race machine, as with anything the sky is the limit. I like to help people build wacked out bikes I have a few frames for sale on hand right now, they come cleaned, waxed and ready to build with rebuilt or replaced bottom brackets and headsets. Call or email for brand/size/price.

Single speed conversion:
$100.00 plus parts (single speed cog, chain ring bolts and wheel dishing if needed.... there is really only one reason I dish wheels, its for people who run big front chain rings, and cant get the proper chain line with bb replacement alone.) you will need brakes for a single speed build too.

Fixie conversion:
$80.00 Plus parts (wheels, track cog, locking ring, and chain ring bolts)

Frame up build:
$115 and up

Custom Shifter brake conversions:
$50.00 for a single brake (front)
$75.00 for dual (front and rear)
Prices include: levers, cables installation and adjustment I can sell you side pull brakes if you do not have them

I take pride in the bikes that I build, and I get excited every time I see one of my own in the streets. I have all the correct tools to do conversions properly, several years under my belt as a bike tech at a few diffrent shops and I take my time to do the work right. I stand behind my work and will always tune up one of my bikes as long as you can bring it to me. On that note, I can do tune ups on all bikes, but my rates are no less then that of a reputable shop, and I am all for people supporting their local shop. I do however like to wrench on vintage hi end stuff, and have seen most everything out there.
Need advice building your own bike? I am glad to help however I can.

Thanks,
Shawn
720.352.---- (email is best as I cant always get to my phone and I am horrible about checking my messages, but you are welcome to call.

For me, the dual drivetrain and the shifter-actuated brake caliper are not especially compelling. If you're going to make an impractical mechanical choice, I feel that choice should at least serve some higher purpose. It should strive to provoke thought, challenge people's preconceptions, or allude to some greater truth. These on the other hand seem to have been done simply to prove they can be done. They're irreverent at best, and ostentatious and dangerous at worst. And both have been done already anyway. But some mechanics can raise the freak bike to an art form. Their medium is the workaround, and their art is a symphony of kludges that can be heartrending to behold. Or at least highly entertaining.

Then there's this, spotted in Tucson:

Even though I generally discount a bicycle once a motor has been applied to it, I feel this one is noteworthy in that it employs a Spinergy Rev-X. Even though that engine probably puts out less horesepower than an electric pencil sharpener, I'd still be frightened to send any horespower to a wheel as brittle as the Spinergy. Then again, judging from the right side, it looks like the bicycle can also be operated in regular pedal mode. (Unless that gear is simply there to kickstart the engine.) In any case, I'm sure you could at least raise the wheel off the ground and use it to cut meat, so congratulations to the builder on what is surely the world's first offroad deli slicer.

Yes, contradicitons can be cacophonous or mellifluous, and here's an example from the fixedgeargallery of the former:


Now, I should be clear that I have nothing against people who own both bicycles and cars. It's the 21st century after all, and sometimes you just need a car. Sure, some people choose to move by bike, or to transport their wives to the hospital in bicycle cargo trailers when they go into labor, but the fact remains that sometimes it is OK to drive. (Though I don't understand why Papa John's uses cars to deliver pizzas in Brooklyn--nor why anyone in Brooklyn would order from Papa John's.) However, I can't stress enough that car ownership automatically disqualifies you from having a "One Less Car" sticker on your bicycle. Period. We've seen this sort of thing before. Sure, I suppose this person think's it's OK since when he's on his bike he's not driving his car at the moment, thus freeing up some space on the road. But that's like wearing a straight-edge t-shirt and taking it off when you get high. Or maybe he was contemplating buying a Lancer Evo in addition to the car he already has, but decided to use the down payment on the Jamis instead, so he figured the sticker was acceptable. But it's just not. A theoretical car that might have been is simply not an actual car. The sticker makes even less sense since it's pretty obvious from his choice of vehicle that he enjoys cars and driving. Self-hating car drivers at odds with their own automobile ownership drive things like Priuses; they don't drive rally-inspired sports cars like the Subaru WRX. And whatever they drive, they don't use it as a prop when they submit their bicycle to an online gallery.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps I should go back to gazing into the eight-speed singlespeed Cassette of Predestination.

Down With Gears, or Down With Gears: Figuring Out What to Ride

Like the portentous groundhog on February 2nd, I have emerged from my hidey-hole after a prolonged period of introspection.  However, unlike the groundhog, I did not contemplate the weather.  Instead, I looked deep within myself in order to decide which road bike component group to buy for next year.  Each morning I'd awake upon a pile of straw, perform my daily ablutions, eat my one and only meal for the day (a thin gruel served to me in a wooden bowl by a child from the village) and set about comparing the prices and component weights of the various offerings from Shimano, Campagnolo, and SRAM until the sun set behind the mountains.  Finally, on the seventh day, after much soul-searching, the answer came to me like one of those old MTV News updates with Kurt Loder.  The force of the revelation was such that I spilled gruel all over my meditation smock, and I burst forth from my hidey-hole with plastic in hand, ready to purchase the parts that the cosmic Kurt Loder had intoned to me in his smug monotone.  However, upon reaching the spartan bamboo hut which housed the village's only internet cafe, I made the mistake of checking in with Fixedgeargallery first, where I found an image that completely shattered my resolve:

Could it be that the cosmic Loder had misspoken?  He had quite clearly bidden I purchase a Microshift group from the Secret Website (though for reasons he assured me I was not yet enlightened enough to understand he also insisted I use a Modolo Morphos lever for the left only), yet here was this masterfully-executed bicycle beseeching me to "fu¢k gear$."  Confused and disillusioned, I slunk back into my hidey-hole and sulked until I remembered something Sheldon Brown had written in his bicycle glossary:

The "gear" of a bicycle relates to the mechanical advantage of the whole drive system. ... The gear of a bicycle depends on the ratio between the sizes of the front and rear sprockets, and the size of the drive wheel.

So despite the owner's disdain for gears, he does employ them, as you can see below:

Of course, it was possible that the owner simply meant to decry multiple gear ratios on a single bicycle and that he didn't have room for that on his handlebars.  However, upon closer inspection, I realized this bicycle did provide for different gear ratios as well, since it had a cog mounted on the front wheel:

So this bike does have plural "gears," regardless of how untenable some of them might be.  It also has a scorching case of hipster cysts:

Should you encounter this bicycle, I strongly recommend you wear gloves while handling it lest these cysts spread to your own bicycle as well.  (Or, worse yet, to your oral or crotchal region.)

Speaking of which, the giant crotchal region that is New York City is teeming with cyclists of all kinds.  As such, the New York Times has seen fit to wipe its monocle off on its shirt-tail and turn its aging journalistic eye on the city's bicyclists by putting together a whimsical little "field guide:"  

You may remember that not too long ago I posted a mass-email request from a Times reporter who was putting together a piece about "who rides what in the city, and why."  Well, it wouldn't surprise me if this were the very piece that reporter was putting together.  (Especially because it is.)  Here are some highlights:

Andrew Valentine, above, says his look is "kind of very English."  Well, I'm sort of completely nauseous.  He also says that he's an "anachronism," though I'm not sure he's using the word correctly because it doesn't mean "pretentious fop."  Also, his look doesn't evoke Evelyn Waugh (whoever she is) from where I'm sitting (which, since it's Monday, is in a leather massage chair in my underpants).  It does, however, evoke someone else who's not English and who is not so much anachronistic as he is timeless:

You've got to admit, that's uncanny.  I mean, it's completely without can.  (And yes, I know Evelyn Waugh was a man, just like George Eliot and Virginia Woolf.)

Sure, this may be a fluff piece, but the reporter has unwittingly gotten quite a scoop with this profile.  I've long suspected that New York City's seemingly endless supply of overpriced "vintage" bicycles comes from vast crappy bike reserves in the Midwest, and it's somehow vindicating to see this confirmed in print.  I only hope that this supply is being mined responsibly, since should the junky bike fields of the heartland run dry it would be a shame to have to go to war with Canada or something in order to keep the urban cultural elite rolling in squeaky, rusty, steel-rimmed, environmentally friendly style.



Sure, buying a $13,000 Pinarello to "ride in the park on Tuesday and Thursday" might seem excessive, but keep in mind that she also did a "charity ride" on it recently.  She doesn't say which charity ride, but if she used the Campagnolo Boras it was probably the 2008 Bike MS ride where it takes a combination of aerodynamics and light weight to finish with the leaders.  And while one can only hope she was as generous with her charity as she was with herself, I'm certain that she gave no charity or quarter to the thousands of other riders on inferior bicycles she left gasping in her slipstream.

Fortunately, though, it doesn't take $13,000 to experience the unbridled joy of riding a carbon fiber bicycle in New York City.  Thanks to the alchemists on Craigslist, you can simply turn your current steel, aluminum, titanium, or bamboo bicycle into carbon for under $1,000:

TRANSFORM YOUR BIKE INTO A CARBON FIBER ROCKETSHIP for $999! (Douglaston, Queens)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-07, 12:17PM EDT

New Carbon Bikes are Fast and Comfortable, BUT very expensive ($2,000-$5000)!

Consider the ultimate solution, so you can:

- RIDE FASTER WITH less effort!
- RIDE FURTHER in more comfort!
- AND CLIMB hills better!

...over a steel, composite or aluminum frame bike!

OUR CARBON FRAMES ARE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL! CARBONADO MEANING "BLACK DIAMOND", name chosen to represent the look and weave our very special carbon fibre parts.

For $999, WE WILL TAKE THE GOOD PARTS FROM YOUR EXISTING ROAD BIKE (seat, handlebars, wheels and groupset) AND TRANSFER THEM TO OUR HIGH QUALITY MONOCOQUE CARBONADO CARBON ROAD FRAME. This $999 SPECIAL includes a new carbon frame, new matching carbon seatpost and new carbon fork with all the associated "retrofit" labor included.

And..this service includes TUNE-UPS FOR LIFE at our bike shop on your new carbon bike to assure your satisfaction.

We also have a your choice of matching quality carbon stems and handlebars to make your fit just perfect!

Here is also an ideal opportunity to tweak your fit just right if you feel your existing frame is too large or small.
Please use the horizontal tub tube size comparison as your intital fit guide, go to:

HTTP://www.carbonadobike.com/geometry.html

THE ATTACHED PHOTO IS A RETROFIT TRANSFORMATION OF A GIANT OCR3 ALUMINUM BIKE TO A NEW CARBON FIBRE ROAD BIKE.

Thanks for considering,
THE CARNONADO BIKE CORPORATION!

E-mail or Contact 516-[deleted] to discuss your "retrofit" and make an appointment.

Interesting.  I didn't realize that simply moving your parts from one frame to another was considered "retrofitting."  But I do have to admit that telling your friends you're about to do a full carbon retrofit sounds way better than just saying you're doing a parts swap.  It was unclear to me from the ad whether they also offer "crabon" as an option, but judging from the sign-off at the end you can get "carnon."  (I believe the tubing heirarchy is carbon at the top, then crabon, then carnon.)  I'm pretty sure at this point that instead of saying "fu¢k gear$" I'm going to have these guys retrofit my Microshift/Morphos group onto a Carnonado frame.  That should please the cosmic Kurt Loder.

Where The Streets Have No Shame: Keeping Up With the Trends

If you're not from New York (or if you're like me and you generally ignore the news), you may not know that a bill is in the works that would ban drivers from texting on their cellphones, handheld organizers, electronic Twinkies, or whatever else people are using to send and receive text messages, within the New York City limits. Frankly, I had just assumed texting while driving was already illegal in New York, just like talking on a cellphone while driving is. I mean, why would one be legal and not the other? Moreover, texting is way more distracting than just talking. I don't think you should be allowed to do anything with your cellphone while you're driving, but you can at least still look at the road while you're talking. Allowing texting but not talking while driving is like saying it's OK to carry a gun and to shoot people with it, but you can't use the gun to bludgeon anybody.

Law or no law, driving while using a cellphone is still a major problem here in New York, and a high percentage of the drivers who cut me off, back into me, stop abruptly in front of me, or slowly merge into me like they're trying to perform reverse cellular mitosis are also doing something with a cellphone. (Usually, that involves cradling them lovingly in the folds of their neck fat.) Which is why I was pleased to encounter this gentleman:

You'd just expect a fellow with slicked-back hair driving a vintage Mercedes convertible on a summer day in downtown Manhattan to be talking on a cellphone, but he wasn't. And I say, "Good for him!" In fact, I'm thinking about doing a series of PSAs in which I try to convince drivers they can still flaunt their vehicles and themselves without using cellphones while they do it, and if I do I'm using this guy for the first ad. The copy could say something like:

"Bret Easton Ellis called. He wants his main character back. But this guy didn't answer. Why? Because he knows convertibles and hair gel are cool, but talking and texting while driving isn't. So be cool. Don't drive distracted."

Plus, when you've got a cellphone stuck to the side of your head all the time, you tend to miss some of the riches the streets of New York (or in this case, of Brooklyn) have to offer. Like this:

Yup, a genuine "Hino," for the low, low price of $110. I would have called the owner myself, but I was behind the wheel of my Hummer and I didn't want to break the law by using my cellphone--especially while driving on the sidewalk, where you need to pay extra-close attention.

You also miss gems like this:

Fixedgeargallery and Velospace are fine, but fixed-gears are also naturally occurring and sometimes the best ones are out there in the wild. To see one this nice though you have to come to Brooklyn. (There's no way the owner of this bike ever takes it into Manhattan, because that chain wouldn't last a second there. You might as well just tie the bike to a tree with a pair of pantyhose.) I'm particularly "feeling" the padding on both the top tube and the stem, the thermal sippy cup, and the cosmetic wrapping around the seat cluster. Note also the front wheel is unlocked despite ample chain slack, in keeping with the current style.

This is the sort of thing that corporations like The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company try to appropriate, reproduce, and sell, but simply can't. Take this bike, for example, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

challenge:

design the ultimate urban assault bike

welcome to the district.

the fast own the streets and they live [obscured by downward-tilted saddle]

don't get caught and don't die.

hang on if you can.

or get back to the 'burbs.

I'm glad to see Trek have picked some of the goofier elements of urban fixed-gear bicycles, divorced them from their ostensible purposes, and welded them together into this...thing. Looking at this, I feel like Kramer's fake boss at Brant Leland: "I don't know what this is supposed to be." Is it for going fast in a straight line? Some sort of drag bike, maybe? Do people who live in cities want bikes with long wheelbases that aren't designed to turn quickly? Is the 650c for mad bar spinzzz? Will it clear the downtube? Or is it just to be aero? What's the point of the rear brake only? What's the point of any of it?!? And why is a company from Wisconsin implying that anybody who's understandably too afraid to ride this contraption needs to "get back to the 'burbs?" Do they even have cities in Wisconsin from which to retreat?

Maybe someone at Trek saw this thing on Fixedgeargallery and wanted to emulate it:

We've seen gorilla bikes again and again; however, in this case I don't think that's what's riding this bike. Instead, I think it's somebody who's slowly training his body so that one day he may engage in the ancient and elusive practice of autofellatio. If this bike was photographed in front of a yoga studio then that will clinch it for me. By the time those bars reach the front axle I wouldn't expect to see this guy leaving his house much anymore.

Autofellatio may take determination, but so does making your first project bike come together:

...since the frame is 62cm it requires a very long steer tube and the one the fork came with wasn't long enough so with some help from my uncle I had a solid piece of aluminum turned down on the lathe to the exact diameter as the 1 1/8 steer tube on both the inside and outside out the pipe, then it was welded throughly around the seem and now it's very solid and an inch and a half longer. Since the frame is intended for an integrated headset and the fork I had wasn't integrated I had to machine down the standard 1 1/8 threadless headset down just enough to drop it in the frame only the upper cup need work, them I filled the gap where the internal bearings should have been with some tight fitting o rings and buttoned it all together.

Firstly, I'm pretty sure if Leader make a 62cm bike they'll also sell you a fork to go with it. Secondly, I'm also pretty sure a fork couldn't care less whether it's used with a standard or an integrated headset, provided it's got the right race on it. In any case, this baby's had more front-end butchery than Jennifer Grey. I'd be even more afraid to ride it than that Trek thing. I guess I need to get back to the 'burbs.

But how can I? There are just so many great things to see here. Especially in Brooklyn, which has become so trendy that people on Bedford Ave. are now--quite literally--wearing trash bags:

It's Mugatu's Derelicte!

Bike Jousting With Windmills: Opinion, Irony, and the Search for Sincerity

As the summer wears on, so does the war between cyclists and, well, everybody else--at least in the press. And the latest skirmish appears to be taking place on the bike path in downtown Manhattan, where according to the Downtown Express (whatever that is) cyclists are disregarding signs telling them to dismount their bicycles:

Let's be honest--barring the presence of stairs, no cyclist is going to dismount his or her bike in any outdoor space (especially if he or she is wearing road shoes). Yet as a cyclist, it pains me to read this. Not because my fellow cyclists are disregarding the rules, but because every cyclist should know the proper technique for riding your bicycle where you are legally supposed to walk it, and that is to remain on the bicycle with your feet on the pedals but to squat down on the top tube and roll through slowly without pedaling. Like a dog perking its ears up and wagging its tail, this communicates to pedestrians and law inforcement a message of submission, and while you may not technically be walking the bike you're not riding it either, and that's usually good enough for them. On the other hand, riding through with your hands in the drops and your ass in the air is a clear sign of aggression, and is akin to flattening your ears on your head, barring your teeth, and salivating. And running next to the bike and jumping on and off of it like some kind of confused cyclocross racer (as in the excerpt above) will just make you look stupid.

So while cyclists may be in the news for all the wrong reasons lately, it's important to remember what Oscar Wilde once said, which is that "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." I'm not sure what that means, but I'm guessing it's somehow relevant. But one thing I do know though is the only thing better than being talked about is being talked about by the Opinionated Cyclist:


A reader made me aware of OC a few months ago and I became a fan almost immediately. In fact, I was so enamored of him that I emailed him repeatedly with interview requests like a desperate suitor. Unfortunately, though, no reply was forthcoming, and I eventually resigned myself to a life without OC. That is, until a reader notified me that I had become the subject of a number of his videos.

It seems OC had been put off by what he saw as disrespectful treatment of him on this blog, particularly my portrayal of him in his green face paint, and he has requested in one of his videos that I not post any pictures of him in a "derogatory manner." He's also added a dialogue bubble to his video for emphasis, as you can see above. (I'm hoping that he does not interpret my posting the very picture of him admonishing me as "derogatory.")

Although that video is interrupted by what appears to be a phone call from his mother, in the second video he goes into some detail about how he felt when I contacted him, and in the third he continues to discuss me while simultaneously and deftly incorporating a plug for airfree tires. Perhaps most intriguing (to me anyway) is the proposal he makes to me in the most recent video, in which he suggests we fill in for each-other when we take vacations, and also alludes to his expertise in the area of the "whores in the Philippines."

I would gladly entertain such a proposition (whores excluded), though I'm reluctant to give him my Blogger username and password as he suggests. I'm also reluctant (though oddly tempted) to don the famous OC green face paint and make Youtube videos, which is another one of his ideas. However, I have emailed him as he requested, and I'm hoping that we can find a way to work around these minor impasses and somehow collaborate. Because while such a collaboration would undoubtedly be quite lucrative as he points out, it's you, the reader, who has the most to gain in the currency of entertainment, and as always I will continue to put you before myself.

The truth is, I have a weakness for quixotic quests, and unlocking the riddle of Opinionated Cyclist is one of them. Another one of them is the complete eradication of all pie plates, except for those on fixed-gears. And yet another new one I've recently undertaken is to discover a completely unironic bicycle.

As you may have noticed, the world is now filled with ironic bikes. It's the rare bicycle that doesn't have at least one slightly ironic element, whether it be a tongue-in-cheek sticker, or a retro component on a carbon frame, or an intentionally juvenile bell or something. Even I myself ride an ironic Orange Julius bike (which as I revealed last week does have fenders--a necessity when riding through goose leavings).

But as any resident of Brooklyn, or San Francisco, or Portland can tell you, being surrounded by irony can get quite tiring after awhile. Sure, it can be entertaining at first, but after awhile it becomes really annoying. It's like how when you first get to England you're amused by the fact that the cars are on the wrong side of the road, but after about three or four days you're sick of "looking left" and wish they would just drive the normal way.

So I've been searching for a competely unironic bike. And by "searching" I mean that I've been looking at bikes people are emailing me, as well as at internet galleries. Of course, as you can imagine, this isn't exactly the best way to find a sincere bicycle. For example:

This bicycle, forwarded to me by a reader, is about as ironic as it gets. Modifying a Bianchi so that the downtube reads "Biach" and then placing it in front of a shrine to the Virgin Mary (at least that's who I think it is--remember, I'm an Ultra-Orthodox Jew apparently) is ironic enough to make even the hairs of the most stalwart fixster's ironic moustache stand on end. No sale.

This bicycle was found and photographed in Goa, India by another reader. While also ironic, I feel as though I'm getting closer here, if only because the irony is not intentional. I'm sure whoever labeled the bike did mean to sincerely imply that the bicycle was formidable. Of course, irony abounds here nonetheless, especially because while the bicycle is in fact deadly that's mostly because it's a serious tetanus risk.

This bicycle, forwarded to me by yet another reader, arrived in my inbox only this morning. While bizarre, clearly it is the work of someone who is almost painfully sincere. As wacky a contraption as it is, the rear rack, fenders, and internally-geared hub scream practicality, and the hammock seat is probably supposed to be perineum-friendly. The guy who built this bike probably wears wool socks with sandals, is somehow affiliated with a university, and likely builds lots of other stuff too--he might even have a breakfast machine like Pee Wee Herman. But still, he probably revels in the bike's ugliness, and that's a form of irony, so I'm not going to allow it.

Finally, I checked in over at Fixedgeargallery, where I found this:

First, Aerospokes were just crappy wheels a few people thought were cool. Then, they were hip. Then, people started spelling it "Arrospok" and they became ironic. Now, like any number of ironic accessories and like the fixed-gear craze itself, they've broken on through to the other side and are, once again, just crappy, except now a lot of people think they're cool instead of just a few. Like this guy, which is why he has two of them.

Likewise, showing off both your bike and your torso in a gym is ridiculous, but it's not ironic. Gyms may be full of iron, but they are irony-free zones, and the people who patronize them are generally irony-free as well. For this to be ironic, he would have to know how ridiculous he looks, and I don't think he does.


I guess maybe the fact that he calls himself "Fatty" but isn't might be ironic, but I'd argue instead that it's vain. He wants you to notice he's not a fatty and that he works out. He may or may not also want you to notice that he bears an eerie resemblance to B-Real from Cypress Hill:

However, for me he evoked something more profound that I could only express in this Nigel "The Torch" from "Top Secret!"/Pete Steele from his Carnivore days/Ogre from "Revenge of the Nerds" triptych:

Somehow it just seems to capture the spirit of island-inspired jewelry and testosterone.

There's certainly irony in this shot of the owner in motion:

And that irony lies in the fact that it evokes that same look of surprise, fear, and kinetic urgency you see in the famous Sasquatch photo:

Of course, this irony was probably not intentional, so it should reflect on neither the owner nor the bike. So, having concluded to my own satisfaction that the owner is not an ironic person, and thus is incapable of having built an ironic bicycle, I'm going to declare this bicycle completely irony-free.

Please do your best to disregard the irony of that declaration.

Fixedgeargallery...of Out With the Old, In With the New

As a cultural phenomenon, fixed-gear bicycles have clearly reached a point in their evolution where they're splitting off into many different subsets. Just as the primordial slimy things with legs that crawled upon the slimy sea eventually climbed out of the sea and evolved into scaly things, and hairy things, and hairless things, and people who sneeze into their hands and then touch you with them, or just as punk music branched off endlessly into various sub-genres like hardcore, and ska, and grindcore, and indie rock, and, tragically, Coldplay, so has the fixed-gear bicycle begat clearly distinct lineages such as the fixed-gear freestyler, the polo bike, the garden variety urban runabout, and of course the ironic Orange Julius bike.

And while I may mock many of these bicycles, even I realize and appreciate the fact that bicycles must evolve, and that different lifestyles demand different bicycles, and that today's aberration may be tomorrow's industry standard if it proves both functional and appealing to enough people. Take for instance the following bicycle, which I feel embodies the present state of fixed-gear evolution pretty well:



hey my name is Christina here's my fairly new Greek baby bike!

its a 47cm nycbikes frame 650c deep v's ,fixed/fixed rear hub,(thanks to Richard from nycbikes who hooked up!), nitto anodized flat bar, oury grips,carbon fork, specialized toupe seat.

its still undergoing upgrading changes ( possibly the crank set) but for now here it is. this bike is lots of fun!

Sure, this isn't my sort of bike, but apart from the lack of a brake I can certainly acknowledge its functionality as a swift little urban runabout. It even manages to display nationalistic pride without veering off too wildly into the realm of the tribute bike. Okay, if it had an integrated apotropaic eye and a top tube pad with the phrase "My Big Fat Greek Fixie" embroidered on it we might be getting into Trail of Tears 2K8 territory, but as it is it's just a relatively subdued blue and white. And while I personally may abhor things like colored chains, if they work just the same as regular chains then go right ahead and use them if you must. Hey, if she vibes Hellas and it's her classic peep during Art History, then she should vibe away.

On the other hand, we have this:

greetings from baltimore. this is my 1988 nagasawa. i got it used from a japanese website --e-framebank.com-- for real cheap. i'd recommend it for anyone who is interested in a used keirin frame and doesn't mind waiting two months while it's shipped over in a rice boat. the dropouts are spaced at 113mm for some reason and the slots were about 8mm so it took some respacing and grinding to get the back wheel on. the dude at the bike shop thinks the frame may have been built for a disc wheel. also the cranks i had were not compatable so i had to grind the shit out of those to keep them from bottoming out. theres a bit of an overlap problem as well so im having to use powergrips on mountain bike pedals until i can afford to go clipless. everything else seems to be running smooth though and if i didnt have so much crap to carry places i'd sell my car....and move to brazil. thanks for the site. i check it at work when i'm not driving the zamboni.

Apart from the naked bars with the Oury shoulder pads, I didn't cringe when I saw this bike. In many ways it's also the opposite of the Hellenic bike in that it's pretty traditional. I did, however, cringe at the description. Apart from the little bit about it being "shipped over in a rice boat," the owner's cluelessness regarding the spacing was especially disturbing. Uh, it only takes about five seconds of Googling to discover that 110mm rear spacing with 8mm slots was simply a Japanese Keirin frame standard. (I'm sure the extra 2mm can be attributed to the frame being slightly out-of-spec or to simple mis-measuring.) You'd think he'd take the time to figure that out and maybe seek out the appropriate components for his frame before deciding to "grind the shit" out of stuff. (If not before even buying the thing in the first place.) Just because you've never heard of something doesn't mean it's wrong. If you bought an Italian frame and your English bottom bracket didn't go into it, you wouldn't say it was threaded backwards "for some reason" and then jam the thing in there anyway. You'd do five minutes of research, learn about the difference between English and Italian bottom brackets, and get the correct component.

Hey, I don't even mind that he grinded or respaced the frame. It's just some metal tubes welded together, it's his, and he can do what he wants with it. I just wish he'd taken the time to learn something about his Keirin frame first. Instead, he blithely took file to frame because it had a certain spacing "for some reason." Using an old frame in a new way is open-minded. Using and old frame the wrong way because you don't know anything about that frame and haven't taken the time to learn is closed-minded. He didn't modify the frame, because modifying something requires understanding it. He didn't butcher the frame either, because even a butcher understands the animal he is cutting apart. In this case, he mutilated it. And by the way, the "overlap problem" is not a problem at all. It's a track bike, not a mountain bike. It's not designed for technical slow-speed maneuvering.

If anything good is going to come out of the current fixed-gear customization fad, it's going to be that more and more people are going to learn how to build their own bikes to suit their riding styles, and consequently bicycles will become more neatly integrated into their lives. If a rule doesn't work for you, throw it away. You don't need to ride what the big companies are trying to sell you, and you don't need to build your bike according to anybody's rules. But at least read the rule book before you throw it out. Toe overlap on a track bike is not a "problem." Frame spacing is not arbitrary. Frames are not wrong--people are wrong. It's 2008, and there are a tremendous number of fixed-gear frames on the market with standard spacing and plenty of toe-front wheel clearance. Why wear heels when what you really want are sneakers?

One Bike Too Many: From Buddha to Burgess

On Monday, I put forth that it's important to limit the number of bicycles you own, and I stand by my assertion. You can't have a bike for every ride, just like you can't have a gear for every hill, and the rider with a bike for every eventuality is hardly different from the celebutard who must purchase another apartment to house her shoes. Then, on Wednesday, I went on to criticize "The Climb" author Robert Mackey (who cleaned his front tire recently) for going to Europe in order to prep for his trip to Europe, likening this to "the dentist who buys a Madone while he waits for his custom Serotta to come in." And here, according to at least one reader, I crossed a line.

That reader was Dr. John M. Gowey, DDS. Dentists everywhere owe Dr. Gowey a debt of gratitude, for it is he who emails me to from time to time to correct some of my misconceptions about dentists. Just some of the things I've learned from Dr. Gowey are: 1) not all dentists ride Serottas (at least he doesn't); 2) dentists care for their bikes as meticulously as they care for their teeth (at least Dr. Gowey does); and 3) dentists love "Seinfeld" because Dr. Tim Whatley is one of the few non-psychopathic dentists in mainstream entertainment. (In that regard it seems Dr. Whatley is to some degree their Paul Robeson, or at least their Sidney Poitier.)

And I just thought they were just a bunch of sadistic Serotta-straddling maniacs. Who knew!?!

Anyway, with regard to my comment about a dentist buying a Madone while waiting for his Serotta, the always insightful Dr. Gowey had this to say:

In today's post, you insinuated that there is something wrong if a dentist gets a Madone while having to wait for his Serotta. What you did not specify was the length of time the dentist was forced to wait before the arrival of the Serotta. Now if it were only a couple of weeks he had to do without the Serotta, I would certainly agree with you that although it is good for the current economy, the dentist was exhibiting signs of excessive consumerism. If the lag time for the new bike was projected at more than two weeks however, I think a dentist (or even a non-dentist) is perfectly justified in buying a "gap bike" to help him make it through the difficult waiting period. You should acknowledge that if an "Orange Julius bike" is a reasonable purchase, then a "bike purchased while waiting for a new bike" or "gap bike" should be justified as well.

I pondered Dr. Gowey's email for some seconds. At first I was tempted to dismiss the very notion of a "gap bike" as excessive, but then I decided to appease Dr. Gowey, mostly because despite Gowey's assertions to the contrary and his fondness for Tim Whatley I still think dentists actually are sadistic psychopaths and I was afraid he might come after me. So I decided to allow Gowey and his dental ilk their "gap bikes," provided they adhere to a formula. I replied to him thusly:

I'm prepared to give an allowance of $150 a month. That means if you've got to wait three months for a Serotta or similar you can spend $450 on an old aluminum bike with 8 speed or something. I think that's more than fair. Given that, if the gap bike were a Madone 5.1 retailing at $3,019.99 (the Ultegra bike, slumming it I know but still a decent gap bike) the gap would need to be 20.13 months.

You may exceed that if you can recoup the excess by selling it (on the Serotta forums, where else?) but if you can't you're personally liable for the balance.

This I hope will appease dentists everywhere and thus spare me an untimely demise at the wrong end of some hideous dental implement.

Gap bikes aside, however, I maintain there are circumstances under which even one bicycle is one too many. Here is just one such circumstance:

This De Rosa was repainted by De Rosa in Italy. Previous owner had moola and up close the paint is stunning. To do the paint job justice, I built it up with some nice components, Phil woods, Campy Cranks, Campy brakes, Pearl this, Nitto that. I don't really ride it as I enjoyed putting the bike together more. That's why I am selling this one and starting another one. So I decided to post some pics before selling.

I think an actual geared drivetrain might have done this frame more justice, and that a frame should at least reach a certain level of deterioration before it's given the fixed-gear treatment. But hey, if your idea of fun is bolting track components to road frames I'm the last person who's going to stop you. And yes, building bicycles, however incongruous they may be, can be both enjoyable and rewarding. But it is also fun to ride bicycles, and if riding a bicycle you built isn't as enjoyable as building it, then that doesn't reflect so well on the build. Most dangerous though is flirting with addiction by endlessly purchasing and assembling components. This is something we all flirt with as cyclists. Building a bicycle can bring you joy or it can lead you to ruin, and if you're not riding the bikes you're building at least long enough to wear out a set of tires, you may be on a ruinous road. I would advise him to satisfy his need to build anew by rebuilding his current bike as a geared road bike. If the compulsion to sell and replace is still present, seek help.

Then there's this.



Yes, it should come as no surprise to anybody at this point that bars are getting shorter. It's almost as though stems are electric sharpeners and the bars are pencils being fed into them from either end. At this point I think the only thing keeping straight bars long enough to actually protrude beyond the stem clamp is the size of the grips out there on the market. This at least is ensuring that riders maintain a fistful of bar on either end of the stem. But once some fixed-gear rider has that "2001" bone-in-the-air moment of revelation and takes a scissor to his Ourys, watch out--that's when you're going to see some serious index-finger-and-thumb steering. Just imagine someone eating a piece of baby corn like it's regular corn--that's how people are going to be holding their handlebars.

This bicycle may also be one too many:

I'm not sure if "pengy" is a diminutive form of "penguin," or of "penga." If the former, it may refer to the animal this bicycle represents. If the latter, it refers to the organ which the top-tube pad protects. In either case, it wouldn't be terribly difficult to imagine Burgess Meredith straddling this bike and softly quacking to himself as he pedaled bow-leggedly away.

Fixedgeargallery...of TTMBLs.

Dear Readers,

We’ve had a lot of laughs here. Yes, it’s been controversial at times. Sure, there have been arguments. However, I think in the end we’ve all been able to come together in the spirit of mirth beneath the giant technicolor Parapluie d’Amour that is the cycling community.

But today we need to get serious.

For the last however long it’s been I’ve dedicated a small sliver of my life to pointing out bike-related foibles and transgressions, and I like to think I’ve made a little bit of a difference. But as hard as I try and as vigilant as I am, I just can’t change the world. In December, I happily reported that only 3.3% (or four in 120) of the most recent Fixedgeargallery submissions were sporting top tube pads. Unfortunately, as of today, that percentage has increased to 5.8% (or seven in 120). And one of them was even soaked in blood:

Personally, I consider any top tube pad an affront to decency. And I find a sanguineous one especially offensive, regardless of whether the blood was the result of a crash, the manifestation of Fixed-gear Apocalypse-related stigmata, or even the aftermath of the rare but documented phenomenon of man-struation. So I find myself coming to grips with the fact that, despite my best efforts, instances of top-tube pads seem to be increasing. And this would appear to mean that, while a man-pon can stanch the man-strual flow, I cannot stem the top-tube pad tide.

Am I discouraged? Yes. Will I be thwarted? No. Will I acquiesce? I don’t even know what acquiescence is—literally! (Sounds liquidy.) Instead, I will turn my attention towards a more insidious and disturbing trend that has manifested itself in recent weeks: Top Tube-Mounted Brake Levers. (Or TTMBLs.)

TTMBLs belong right up there with WMDs, PCBs, STDs, SBDs, and OPPs on the list of acronyms to be avoided at all costs. Certainly we’ve seen them before, but their appearance was sporadic and seemingly random. Now though it appears they may be coalescing into a bona-fide trend.

In the same 120-bike sample that yielded a TTP index of 5.8%, I counted two TTMBLs:

(TTMBL #1)

(TTMBL #2)

Interestingly, it would appear that owners of Schwinns are most at risk of developing TTMBLs.

If I were a doctor, and this were a fixed-gear colonoscopy, then I just found two growths. I’ve also just tested them, and by God, they’re malignant! So what must we do, you ask? The answer is simple. We must do as the doctor would do: nip them in the butt.

(Forgive me for being graphic, but I told you this was serious.)

Of course, the real question is how do we excise them? Well, as we all know, legislation won’t do it. Look at drugs, or at teen smoking and drinking. When you tell someone they can’t have something they just want it more. Fear and guilt won’t work either. After all, Catholics still masturbate—they’re just really furtive about it. No, the only thing that will work is peer ridicule. The person with the TTMBL must be made to feel like a freak and an outcast. Only when they understand the sheer stupidity of their brake lever placement will these riders relocate them to the handlebars on which they belong. They need to know that there are much better and more enjoyable reasons to reach between your legs. (Just ask any Catholic.)

It's incredibly important that we remain positive in the face of a potential epidemic. As one porn star says to another right before the big threesome scene, "Together we'll lick this thing!"

--BSNYC

Fixedgeargallery...of pop quizzes.

Yesterday's post turned out to be even more controversial than I had anticipated, and reactions to it were quite spirited. As such, I thought a pop quiz might help us all put aside our differences and regain our collective focus. Following are seven photos from fixedgeargallery.com. Please study the photo, consider the question, and then click on your answer. If you're correct, you'll see the entry. If you're incorrect, you'll see uber-curmudgeon and serial retrogrouch Jobst Brandt channelling Derek Zoolander.

Good luck! (And no mouse-overs!)

The owner of this Bianchi Pista thinks it may be made in Italy, not Taiwan, because:

--He held a refrigerator magnet to it and it stuck

--It doesn't have a "Made in Taiwan" sticker on it

--The welds are some of the finest he's ever seen

--His horse tried to mount it



This bike is:

--A "work in progress"

--An upgrade from a LeMond Fillmore

--When photographed in front of a V8 with a vanity plate, enough to make you puke

--All of the above

Which is an actual quote from the owner's description of this bike, which is made from Brazilian bamboo?

--"This bike has a hot, wild side!"

--"This bike is more Brazilian than a pubic hair landing strip!"

--"This bike makes pandas drool."

--"This bike is hiding from Greg Calfee." [sic]

According to the photographer, where is this bike?

--Trafalgar Square

--Times Square

--Piccadilly Circus

--Circus Lupus, the Circus of Wolves



How does the owner describe this bike?

--"This bike is red."

--"This bike is tight."

--"This bike is fast."

--"This bike is mine."




Which is an actual quote from the entry for this bike?

--"Still looking for a bigger saddlebag."

--"Brakes are coming off as soon as I master skidding."

--"True track geometry."

--"Finally jumped on the bandwagon."


The owner of this bike wants you to email him if:

--You want to buy it

--You can tell him when it was made

--You know where he can get some white tires

--You know where he can get some grips