Friday, November 30, 2007

Fixedgeargallery...of fads, faux pas, and falsehood.

Grass-roots innovation has always been a part of the fixed-gear scene, and for better or for worse some of these innovations have now become part of the cycling canon. For example, putting bullhorn bars or a top-tube pad on a fixed-gear was once something riders did on their own--now they are de rigeur and some mainstream companies are shipping bikes with these features already installed.

Undaunted by the corporate appropriation of their style, fixed-gear riders are continuing to innovate, and one area in which they're doing so is brake lever placement. In fact, it would appear that having a stupidly-placed brake lever is the new brakeless. And while I encourage thinking outside the box, if you're considering placing your brake lever anywhere other than your handlebar you should keep the box closed and sealed so you can bring your stupid idea back to the store immediately for a full refund.



This uniquely-placed lever has the advantage of offering a linear, kink-free path for the brake cable to travel. Unfortunately, it has the disadvantage of being almost completely useless unless you have lobster claws for hands. This rider gets full points for creativity, but somehow I don't think the warthog-tusk brake lever is going to catch on.








Slightly more tenable but still absurd is this placement, forwarded to me by a reader. It would appear that in the process of installing the lever the owner was suddenly smitten by some kind of paralytic dementia and instead diverted it to the top tube. I suppose there could be some kernel of logic buried in here somewhere--perhaps its placement comes in handy for stunt riding, or perhaps the clamp helps secure the top-tube pad from theft. Still, though, I remain recalcitrant and continue to insist that it's better to have both hands on the bars during a panic stop.


But this (thanks to Brian F. of Minneapolis for the photo) may be the pinnacle of brake lever placement inanity. Precious few people have raised stupidity to an artform in our time--among those who have are Jerry Lewis, Wile E. Coyote, and 80s Bobcat Goldthwait. You can now add the inventor of the head-actuated brake lever to that exclusive list.

Another area in which there has been considerable innovation has been in the areas of branding enhancement and elimination. As Americans, we have a love/hate relationship with labels. Some of us want to flaunt them, and some of us want to take great pains to hide them. In either case though we all seem to want what's underneath. Now, I'm all in favor of subtlety when it comes to branding--like many cyclists, I am dismayed that it is now impossible to buy a bicycle that doesn't have a URL on the inside of the chainstay. At the same time, though, I feel like taking great lengths to obscure a label is actually more conspicuous and vain than just leaving it there. It's inconspicuous consumption. It's one thing if the label just peels off. It's another when you have to attack it with gallons of chemicals and a ball of steel wool--or worse yet wrap it in tape:


Covering logos in tape is like hiding hiding money in a wallet or marijuana in a bong--everyone knows what's in there and you're not fooling anybody. Pista owners in particular are prone to this sort of behavior. I suppose they're self-conscious about the fact that they're riding a very popular bicycle. But there's nothing wrong with riding a popular bicycle. There is, however, something wrong with clumbsily and shamedly obscuring it like a suspected pedophile shielding his face from the press.


On the other hand, I suppose I prefer tape in the service of logo-obfuscation to tape in the service of logo embellishment. Decorating a bicycle in tape is the lowest form of adornment. I feel strongly that tape should only be used on a bicycle to finish your bar tape or to mark your seatpost height. Anything else is like putting Hello Kitty stickers on your notebook.

Still, though, I'll take tape decoration--and even quasi-lug fabrication--over the fabrication of a fake pedigree. The owner of this bike claims that "it used to belong to the singer of The Misfits:"

One is tempted to wonder if the owner of this bicycle also has Jon Voight's LeBaron parked in his driveway. Personally, I find it very difficult to believe that former punk crooner turned heavy metal homunculus Glenn Danzig ever owned a Spalding road bike.


In fact, the color scheme, the beach setting, and the coconut call to mind a much more likely former owner:



100 comments:

M. Weed said...

boommmmmm

M. Weed said...

no rss feed! dope-free!

AskReamer said...

cheeeeah!

thefutureofamerica said...

phew... I was getting worried that some over-sensitive freestyler had bumped our beloved blogger into oncoming traffic... it's getting late.

AskReamer said...

damn... I've always thought the "podium" people were a bunch of tards and look what I've done. Kind of like how I talk shit about the cyclists in my neighborhood (Mission) while perusing craigslist for 61cm track frames. I suppose I should read the post now. *sighs*

Anonymous said...

poulidor!!!!

JMB said...

Not for nothing, but I think Glenn Danzig would ride a 50cm frame. He's a short dude. Also, the only thing remotely metal about that bike is that it appears to be a "Blade" model. Or maybe it's "Glade" in which case it would just be fresh scented.

Adam said...

If that red bike was owned the "the singer from the Misfits," it was probably the douche bag from the "new" Misfits, Michael Graves.

It it was owned by Glenn Danzig, the owner would have probably said "Glenn Danzig."

The owner deffinately pulled a Pista tape jobe there, coving up the embarshing truth that (theoretically) lies beneath the tape that everyone knows is there.

Anonymous said...

Top 10, malloit janue!!!

Lt Col Tim... said...

Covering logos in tape is like hiding hiding money in a wallet or marijuana in a bong...

...or like hiding your bullets in a gun.

...or like hiding your Zune in a mp3 cover. wait, that doesn't work as they'll think it's an Ipod. damn, there I go again.

christopher cummings said...

nice Seinfeld reference.

Anonymous said...

green jersey points and first frenchman!

M. Weed said...

Yeah I always thought the podium thing was dumb too... until I stood on it

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Hello Kitty...check these tires!
http://www.nirve.com/largeimage.asp?id=1378

mr.complaint said...

I have to admit that I have a thing for the 1984 Chrysler LeBaron Woody Convertible.

http://tinyurl.com/37aea9

aaron said...

Looks like the painted braking surface on those yellow rims are working out REAL well for that douchebag.

clayton said...

m.weed: my rss feed shows the BSNYC posts only well after they've been posted.

lt col: or like hiding your ipod nano in the shell of a brown zune. now that's clever theft protection!

brodie said...

bsnyc, i'm ashamed of your inability to read through the spalding bike. The glen danzig story was obviosuly some sort of a code for a sleeper cell of cuban extremists living in the hipster-prone bay area. Think about it!!

La poderosa II...

South beach....

As in the second coming of CHE, man! Obviously the picture was taken in Cuba, and listed as south beach as a dig to the rabid anti-castro set.

Man, you blew it...

GGehrke said...

The unicorn looking brake lever is particularly imprudent because, if you think about it, as you push it (especially with one hand off the bars) your body mass will be propelled forward, pushing it harder, pushing you forward harder, locking the brake. At least going to the rear brake it'll just result in an ineffective-for-stopping skid. Had he plumbed it to the front every emergency stop would have probably resulted in a less than graceful somersault into crossing traffic. Cool!

Actually I wonder if it's purpose is solely for inducing those handlebar humping skids that the hipsters love. In which case you could even trigger it with your... Oh that's a really bad idea...

I was thinking, too, that maybe the top tube mounted lever made sense to the owner if it allowed him to do barspins, but it's going to the front brake so even trying to find ill-founded justification there isn't going to work.

Karl Rover said...

BSNYC, Danzig rides that exact bike in this video with Shakira. Sweet!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHv3qO_Y8kk

Freepotato said...

That taped Pista guy should be ashamed of the state of his closet...

Jim said...

Hey, why are you bitching about insane brake lever placement on the bikes the fakengers are riding? Having braked a fixed gear with one hand off the bars - once and only once, I assure you - I think this new trend is just the thing to eliminate any fixster with sub-Jonathan Page level handling skills from the skinny jean pool.

If you doubt me, give it a try. But for God's sake make sure you're health insurance is paid up first. You may want to make sure it covers dental prosthetics and 55 gallon drums of Brave Soldier, while you're at it...

Anonymous said...

There should have been a picture of a unicorn after the "head activated brake lever." Just sayin.'

-M_S

bikesgonewild said...

...just remember, kids, this post has to last you all weekend, so chew on your info slowly, mentally digest it properly & don't go getting blog indigestion all on the first day...

...signed: a kinder, gentler, less pissy bikesgonewild...because i care...

KanyonKris said...

Trolling through the FixedGearGallery has yielded yet another good catch. So many goofy bikes. Add The Snob's eye for humor and satirical writing skill and you've got comedy gold.

I like the unicorn bike. The owner should remove the bars and just use that giant lever to brake and steer.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know where I can buy a carbon warthog-tusk brake lever?

grolby said...

...and of course, the Pista with the top tube brake lever is taped only the top part of the track drops. Ah, so classically poseurific.

joe said...

Don't click on those chainstay URLs or your bike will start jumping around playing Rick Astley songs.

Stirling said...

Can't anybody who posts on fixedgeargallery spell "brake"?

M. Weed said...

No, and they can't spell pedal either. I love reading about people "peddling hard through the streets." They wouldn't have to peddle so hard if they were selling a better product...

Anonymous said...

Prolly doesn't brush between meals.

Anonymous said...

Lanterne Rouge!

but I still have my KOM points after todays sprint stage.

Zentraedi said...

I'm a little suprised, BSNYC. I believe all these oddly placed brake levers are about because the state of Oregon requires your bike actually be equipped with a functioning brake.

As such, many fixies there have placed brakes in wierd places on their bike in a mock protest. See, not only are they still running brakeless(in essence), but they are also giving the finger to 'the Man'.

At least that's what I offer as a theory...

leroy said...

I don't think we'll see a whole lot of those innovative brake lever positions in the future.

Darwin had a theory about that.

As for the Spalding, all I can say is that salt air and sand aren't two things that come to mind as being good for one's bike.

I think the current owner is Gilligan.

Clayton -- why would Lt. Col Tim hide his IPod Nano in Sheldon Brown's Zune?

Oh wait.... never mind. I misread.

Sorry. Been a long day.

Good Lord, I need to go ride.

Erik said...

Was anyone else bothered by the guy chopping the end off that nice old Shimano 600 lever? Now it will never even be useful as a real lever...

Anonymous said...

chopping the brake lever is no worse than taking a grinder and hacksaw to an old Masi?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Karl Rover,

That video was absolutely incredible.

--BSNYC

Bluenoser said...

Call me a little out of the loop up here Snob but I thought Spalding made balls. Footballs, baseballs. Things like hockey gear and the such? Bikes?

I noticed he claims to be an engineer and I believe him. I worked with lots of engineers and one thing is for certain. They can't spell worth a dam(n). Must be all that physics/math and stuff running around up there in the control centre.

And why do they always have to finish with "enjoy" after they get us laughing?

-B

jimmy said...

Ha! I'm going to epoxy brake blocks directly to my fingers, and cut out the efficiency-sapping cable,housing, and caliper.

Come to think of it, the bottom of my shoe is one big brake pad, and has been since the day I first got a Huffy Pro Thunder.

leroy said...

karl rover --

Second what BSNYC said.

Thanks for that link!

My less than stellar day just got a little better.

Ya gotta love the classics.

The Great White Hype said...

Damn, the owner of the first bike has cut down a vintage Shimano 600 drilled lever! They should be killed in a very nasty fashion for that. Go buy a crap one and cut that down instead, w*nker. That makes me cry.

Karl Rover: I watched that whole Danzig video on YouTube. No bike! Plenty of Glenn Danzig AND Shakira posturing though, so it wasnt totally wasted.

Jim (GWH)

Karl Rover said...

BSNYC:

Glad you liked the video. It was impressive to hear Danzig rhyme sombrero with Robert DeNiro.


GWH:

The bike is hidden behind the wolverine.

broomie said...

Re: Danzig Shakira video

+ I laughed vey hard
-I choked on my beer
+ my wife gave me CPR

Philip Williamson said...

The 600 lever circumcision was painful to see, but I guess it means mine are a tiny bit more valuable now... Maybe $12.06, $12.07.

Classic BSNYC post.
Very high post/comment humor ratio, even with the Danzig/Shakira spoof.

And m. weed, congratulations on the podium spot; that must be like finding money on the ground. Circling back to cross the finish line again for second, though... I dunno about that.

doug said...

my first road bike i ever owned was also one of those red/white spaldings. mine was apparently donated to the sacramento thrift store where i bought half-way through a single speed conversion: rear brake and lever removed. howver it had bumcatcher handlebars.

i eventually crashed and tacoed both wheels and bent the handlebars. ouch. it was an okay bike, though. someone told me it was "gay."

sleepy said...

Zentraedi, the story you offer is basically what happens at creative couriers london. there's a no brake, no work policy so the riders have been fitting brake levers in bizarre places for years. some who are obviously extra hardcore fit brakes without pads in.

bsnyc- keep up the good work :-)

Stompa said...

WhooooWEE well given that STomparilllaz R hUUUUge fanz of tape in all it's oh so delightful forms I thought i might help you get privy to the new sshit... first of all you r just sooooo darn lucky to be in this fine city of ncy where i happen to be a visitin' right this now.. cuz you have so many like minded bicthinwhinybitcherz to talk about how everything is lost with.. so thatsnice... aand Did YOU KNow that some people who don't like colorz, call said colors,(say in the form of tape on a bike), they call it Gay, which doesn't appear to mean happy here in 'ol broooklync, but don't worry-- finding things to be excited about is way to0 much of a chore here, let alone actually BE Excited, you know like when you kick it and get 'em at the line WHOOOOOWHoo))000WHOOOOP!.. although the cops seemed pretty excited to see that they outnumbered critical mass with there mopedtickets this evening.. good thing the criticz were there in union square--- peas out bitchez

'least i'm enjoyin' the ride said...

My morning was going well until I read Stompa's" "post". What piece of garbled, retarded, glue-sniffing piece of crap was that. Stompa, stop stealing internet access at the library and scaring the patrons in the bathrooms. Go crawl back into whatever hole you came out of.

Josh said...

I just want to point out that it would be physically impossible for Danzig to ride that bike. He's like 5'3", and that bike is obviously in the 56-58cm range. I guess he could jam the seatpost all the way down, but I doubt that little Glenny's legs would reach the pedals.

Unfortunately, the posted must be referring to Michael Graves, in which case, that's not pedigree at all.

Either way, it's probably bullshit though.

mander said...

Great video rover! I thought for sure i was headed for a rickroll.

SkidMark said...

to 'least i'm enjoyin' the ride
re. your take on Stompa's ramblings, well said, brother!

Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

YEAHHHHHH MY BIKE IS ON THERE!!!!!

Tom said...

I was told 2 years ago when I was given the Spalding, that it was someone from The Misfits' bike. Last week, I didn't particularly remember who in the band the bike belonged to, but for some reason in my head it was someone rather important so when I wrote the letter in to fixedgeargallery, I said lead singer. Sue me for making a mistake, it turns out it was JOEY POOLE's bike (Joey Image), the drummer. Considering I knew nothing of this "FAD" or "TREND" and I built up this bike splendidly working bike from an oxidized, dusty, dirty and run down shitty spalding, I think is somewhat commendable. I thought this was all to have fun anyways. I do regret making that mistake about Glen Danzig, and if for some reason you felt offended, oops, find something better to do.

Safety First said...

Hey Tom, does that reflector up front keep oncoming rollerbladers from plowing into you when coasting along South Beach?

Doyle Von Frankenstein said...

If it's really Joey Image's old bike, well then color me impressed! As long as it wasn't Michale Graves' bike...

Now if only my brother Jerry Only were into fixed gears, we'd really be onto something!

Glenn Danzig said...

That's not my bike, ya douchebags! I only ride blood-covered sacrificial goats and lithe, sweat-covered witchywomen.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Tom,

Great to hear from you and thanks for the clarification. Yes, this is all in fun (this site is concluded) and I'm glad to see you breathed new like into an old bike. My intention was not to make fun of you. I simply found the notion of Glenn Danzig (or any member of The Misfits) riding that bike (or really any bike) amusing. I'm sure if you take a look at those old records with them in their devil-locks and black eyeliner and them imagine them pedaling around Lodi, NJ you'll laugh too. Also, I found the "Seinfeld" reference to irresistible to pass up.

Ride safe, enjoy the bike, and give my regards to Ocean Drive.

--BSNYC

least i'm enjoyin the ride (new and improved w/o all the apostorphes) said...

skidmark,

hell, I grew up in CT and still can't figure out where "ncy" is. any clue?

"the enemy of my enemy is my friend"...go vols, beat the tigers!!!

lt col tim said...

clayton, leroy...

i'm pretty sure it would be 4-6 nanos in the zune as copius as its interior is.

after seeing that 600 lever, i went and locked my old dura ace and 105 levers in my gun safe... yes an actual hulking whole closet safe to exercise my second amendment rights and keep small bike parts from fg hipster bike maulers.

Tom said...

Right on bikesnob. I can take shit, and even appreciate it. I can laugh at myself and really, as an old friend said "Everything in life has the potential to be funny, so why not seize the moment."
The Glen Danzig thing was a stupid ignorant mistake on my part and probably deserved the shit i got for it. I spoke without looking up the facts. Joey Image though did work for the sound company I work for here in Miami. I was so f'ing stoked when given the bike when we were emptying out the warehouse to move to a larger one. Took me way too long to do anything with the bike, I will post some updated pictures soon, it has a new black seat which looks and feel much better and took off those silly dual bottle holders. Shlates

Tom said...

p.s. I have spent some time today looking around, and I fucking love this site.

p.s.s. Its nice to have found a good reason to get back into cycling. For me it is also something different and individualistic to do (as well as a fantastic way to go anywhere-haven't moved my car in a week and half) down here in dick-town Miami where the amount of original, intelligent and interesting human beings almost out numbers the population of lamas on the French Riviera.

SkidMark said...

Tom

Glad you can take shit, because as the saying goes, "if you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough" - and based on your comments, you are one badass mf. But hey, at least you recognize that much, which is more than I can say for a lot of people, myself included at times.


least i'm enjoyin the ride

Based on stompa's writing (or was that his pet gerbil he let loose on his keyboard), I'm guessing when he said "ncy" he actually meant nyc - ya think?

SkidMark said...

who the fuck are you and why are you using my screen name?

SkidMark said...

ditto

SkidMark said...

why don't you go back to your original screen name - "prolly"

PistaPasta said...

I might agree on what you said about removing the labels from the pista,
but being a pista owner thats removed his logos, you're being a little judgemental.

The pista while sitting in a bike shop is begging to be ridden. It catches the eye with the shiny chrome and big white decals, makes you want to take it home.

Once you do, you are fascinated for a bit, but then, it starts.
The decals are too loud, the chrome is too shiny,
Everytime you look at it, it pulls on your eyes and it can sometimes even hurt.

This is especially true if one is living in a small studio apartment in new york city perhaps.

Most people I believe misattribute this phenomenon solely to the logos, but it is more than likely a combination of the chrome AND the decals that are giving people complexes.

First you remove the logos, or cover them up.
If you're persistent you'll realize the chrome must be covered or dulled in some way.

Its just too much, maybe not on the street or at the bike shop, but definitely in a small apartment.

And as for the kid with the bike on his top tube, i want to add that perhaps he had the brake there in case he gets harassed by a cop (he might not be from nyc?)

Anonymous said...

broom wagon

Bluenoser said...

Gutter snipe.

Douche Câvité said...

The saga of the misplaced lever turns out to be well documented in print. The author of my personal favorite repair manual "How to Rock and Roll", outlines converting a friction thumb shifter to a brake in his new "Bicycle: A Manifesto".

http://www.speckpress.com/books/bicycle.html

Affectionately referred to as "the soup spoon" or something like that.

Is this the transitioning fixster's equivalent of taking off one of two training wheels? Maybe it's the next step for those ready to throw away their reflective pant-cuff straps, but "easy brother, I'm still, like, a few lifetimes away from mozying into TRACKSTAR without crapping my cycling jeans!"

I like jim's analysis. Might I add,the only fate sadder than death by lack-o-brakeless-skills, would be finding a concealed brake amidst the wreckage. Negative 2 scene-points BRAAH!!

QuixoticSchwinn said...

I'm sure you've seen this by now, but in case you haven't: BikeSnob-bashing!

broomie said...

Re: Bike snob bashing. I'm a little afraid to admit it but I am a triathlete (yes, I am ready to be mocked)SO naturally I am obsessed with deep carbon rims. I am looking at those ZIPPS and my mind goes blank, flatline, fuzzy screen. I don't even have a judgement, I just can't comprehend race wheels for a school commute. I have a pair of HED 3 spokes and those only come out on race day. The amount of mileage I rack up on some of the Sh***y roads here prohibit it (besides its too flashy to have $900 worth of wheel on a training ride)

Zipps aren't exactly the most consumer friendly wheels you could own. Well if he or she can afford to rock 'em then more power to them!

Andy Pandy said...

Now this has become personal. No one diss-es one of the 20th Centuries great laterial thinkers as Wile E Coyote and gets away with it. There will be an Acme parcel wingin its way to all dis-believers.
The fella had style and grace in bucket loads and the guts to see a task through

Bluenoser said...

Yeah. It's like my mother used to say. Knock it off... or you'll know the reason why.

-B

Anonymous said...

Sometime you gotta be the Lanterne Rouge.

Anonymous said...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HELLO KITTY STICKERS ON A NOTEBOOK?!

Anonymous said...

To anonymus 1:14 pm...you beat me to it by 50 minutes.

erik said...

A little late, but who would take any cutting implement to an old Masi? Isn't that a capital offense?

brian said...

john voight's le baron. priceless!

Anonymous said...

Take another glance at the head-actuated brake bike--it looks like some kind of M. C. Escher setup with the handlebars turning into a bike rack.

In which case the brake lever probably makes sense.

Anonymous said...

I just hold an old Mafac lever between my teeth for panic stops. I used to have a Thigh Master hooked up to the brake caliper for precise knee-squeezing braking power, but I have become more bike weight sensitive and less thigh buttock conscious.

skidmark said...

I'm not 'prolly'. I have been using SkidMark for about 5 years in various forums. I haven't seen anything I didn't write here before, so, whatever.

Skidmark said...

stop crying

sleepy said...

okay, i've found the bar/lever arrangement to end all:this is *the* most ridiculous ever. ever ever. bar [badom tsss] none.

Anonymous said...

This blog kind of reminds me of some people from nyc who thought it was cool to keep a spare bedroom in their apt dedicated to smoking pot and watching porn. Porn of all mediums: mags, pin-ups, videos, props. And then when guests would come for cocktails, they could hardly wait to show new initiates-especially young college coeds-"the room." Bike snobs talking shit about... other bike snobs--or are they?? They're an elusive bunch, using subterfuge to disguise their true unkuhl underpinnings. Meanwhile, their contemporaries, who write scathingly cynical blog columns (like, blogging is SO, like, 2003) about them behind their backs, yes these seemingly "kuhl ones" also swing out of places like American Apparel and H&M and without breaking a stride, duck into the nearest vintage used clothing store to pick out that bizarre, fucked up looking multicolored sweater or pair of argyle socks to go with their newest purchases from aforementioned kuhlshops because-you guessed it-it's kuhl. They don't don't buy vintage because they can't afford new clothing; they buy vintage (accessories, mind you) because it's kuhl to buy vintage.

We forgot to mention the woeful use of the spoke card (actually pictured in this blog). Friends, Trustafarians, when that alleycat race is over, lose the fucking spoke cards.

Anonymous said...

Dude... your post is a month late. They don't count if they are that far behind.. I mean mine is too, but that's not the point.

Anonymous said...

Hipsters have ruined these bikes. I for one am guilty I suppose in a way, though I do not have skinny jeans and American Apparell hooides. However, I am broke and so I don't have a 300 dollar Bianchi frame bought for me by my parent with neon green wheels and a Re-Load bag. I don't have a problem with American Spirits, but I don't see why you should smoke them any more than a pack of Marlboros. It's not as if the money is helping to fund any of the famished and fractured Indian Reservations. No that money probably eventually goes to RJ Reynolds or something. Anyway, thats not the point, its just when did being, you know, into art/music/alternative lifestyle get prissy and expensive.

with fear and loathing
jeff

Anonymous said...

Is a little tape on your bike really that bad if all you want is some damned color? I can't afford a freaking paint job and my frame is black.

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