Thursday, December 20, 2007

Fixedgeargallery...of top tube trends.

As 2007 draws mercifully to a close, I find myself looking back and rembering all the noteworthy things that have happened this past year. Soporific former Vice President Al Gore left his giant carbon footprint in history by winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Floyd Landis left his carbon-soled footprint in history by losing the Tour de France a year after he won it. Ted Nugent released "Love Grenade." And a man in Vermont found a condom in his Burger King sandwich.

With mere days to go until 2008, it's possible that this year may be remembered for something else as well--the year the top tube pad went out of style.

Now, I'm no optimist, and I'm certainly not one to raise false hopes. However, while they certainly won't disappear overnight, I have been seeing indications that the heyday of the top tube pad may in fact be behind us. As of today, 120 bicycles have been posted on Fixedgeargallery.com since December 1st. And of those, only four--or roughly 3.3%--have what I would call bona-fide top tube pads. Let's take a look:

Pad #1

I struggled over whether or not to count this one. Firstly, it's a polo bike, and bike polo has less in common with actual cycling than it does with pastimes like golf, ultimate frisbee, hacky-sack, and playing croquet ironically. Secondly, the owner calls it a "cum polo bike" in the description, which is just disgusting. But in the end, like the rim of an undertensioned wheel, I gave in.

Pad #2


There's no denying that the top tube pad on this bike wants to burst forth from its velcro and nylon shroud, stand up, and be counted. Certainly though its presence can be attributed to the zeal of convert--this is somebody's first fixed-gear and he can't buy enough stuff for it. But when the dust settles, the excitement wears off, and the Aerospoke has shattered, I have a feeling he will join the denizens of the naked.

Pad #3

Speaking of cheesy pads, here's someone who actually lives in one. "How can I show off my bicycle, my flat-screen TV, my audio system, my kitchy lizard toy and my sleek, modern furniture all at the same time? I know! I'll post the whole lot on fixedgeargallery!" Oh, right, sorry--the bike is for his girlfriend. That's probably the same thing he tells the cashier when he goes to Sephora and buys $75 worth of skin care products for himself. If he's waiting to upgrade the bike as she "learns to ride better," why didn't he put a brake on it? Have we broken through to a new dimension of irony where you now must master brakeless fixed-gear riding before putting a brake on your bike? In any event, while it doesn't have a brake, it does have a top tube pad. So at least when she crashes the bike won't get scratched.


Pad #4

This bike has a custom silk-screened top tube pad. So he's going to use that thing whether they're in style or not. Speaking of style, he seems to be lagging a bit behind. Hed tri-spokes are the new Aerospoke, and vintage Italian saddles are the new Brooks.

The Also-Rans

Of course, while I'd suggest anybody looking to get into the crotch-and-bike protection racket should wait and see where things are going before they jump in head-first, clearly putting padding on your top tube isn't entirely dead. In addition to the bikes above, there were others that had various kinds of wadded-up crap on their top tubes as well. However, for various reasons, I chose not to count them. Here they are:

Also-Ran #1

I couldn't tell whether this was an actual top tube pad or just a tourniquet meant to stanch the hemorrhage of ugliness. So I didn't count it.

Also-Ran #2



I did not count this one either, since it's not on a road or track frame. Rather, it's on a bike I can only think of as "Gigantitron Lite."

Also-Ran #3



I did not count this one because it's from Latvia. Just as much of the starlight we see at night is actually from long-dead suns, people in Latvia are only now adopting trends that have long since passed here. Plus, arguably it's short enough to be considered a top tube protector and not a top tube pad. Strictly speaking a protective layer should cover at least 50% of the top tube to be considered a top tube pad.

Also-Ran #4



I don't know if he's protecting his top tube from impact or from STDs, but either way rubber doesn't count.

So there you have it. Like spotting a fish in the Gowanus, it would appear that perhaps there's hope for this polluted waterway of bike culture yet. Unless parrots become the new top tube pad. This one may have been trained by Grant Petersen himself:


"Always keep your bars higher than your saddle. Skwaaawk!"

99 comments:

daddo.one said...

Ta-da!

daddo.one said...

hoo-ray!

daddo.one said...

yes!

daddo.one said...

anyone here?

daddo.one said...

this is boring

daddo.one said...

c'mon guys!

daddo.one said...

guess i'll read the post...

Sprocketboy said...

That is one handsome parrot.

clayton said...

where are the fish?

Anonymous said...

Is it true Rivendell is selling these now? I mean, the bird. Look for the longish newsletter article on riding with tropical animals. The possibilities are endless -- handlebar-mounted bird cages made of switchgrass, etc...

erik k said...

is that euro pirate roadies bike?

clayton said...

oops.

OOPS. this one should work.

BikeSnobNYC said...

By the way, that Rivendell appears to have 28-spoke wheels. If Grant sees that he'll hunt it down and repossess it! Maybe the parrot's for protection.

--BSNYC

Ka_Jun said...

http://copenhagengirlsonbikes.blogspot.com/

vs.

http://safetyissexy.blogspot.com/

bonechilling said...

"Always keep your bars higher than your saddle. Skwaaawk!"

That's the best line in the history of this blog.

Anonymous said...

have you considered interviewing Grant?

mr.complaint said...

If that's a cum bike is this a cum jersey?

http://tinyurl.com/2ecy6a

That parrot is as close as it's come to any of the FGG bicycles even being shown ridden! Here's to the parrot!

And he had Sögreni bell and then got rid of it.

http://www.sogreni.dk/Bells.php

hrumph.

'least i'm enjoyin the ride said...

accident 1km from line. same time as daddo.one without pulling once. even got to read the article about top tube trends first. still in the hunt for the gc w/o the burden of the maillot jaune. my teamates thank me.

daddo.one said...

but you're going to hell in a bucket!



no worries - I pulled but i've got some left for the remaining stages!

mojito said...

cum polo bike could also have used a cum wheel: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/oct/2/AdamPelzer.htm

leroy said...

Dear BSNYC --

My cousin Gray Beard the Pirate (he used to be called Red Beard, but he outgrew that) asked me to forward the following:

"Arrghh, thank ye fer to be finding me parrot, matey.

Please tell Polly to be coming home.

I needs to be flippin' the bird at scurvy dog motorists on me commute.

Yarrr."

'least i'm enjoyin the ride said...

Snob,

It seems that gigangitron lite has lost the last of the two aerospokes on earth. does this mean that the other apocolypse (no the pista one)is upon us? I've got to know lest i waste a bunch of money on christmas presents. also you used crotch and head in the same sentence. very nice!

'least i'm enjoyin the ride said...

daddo.one..."i can't think of a place that's more perfect, for a person as perfect as you!"

judi said...

"Always keep your bars higher than your saddle. Skwaaawk!"

******

Mine aren't.

http://tinyurl.com/2fer7c

Anonymous said...

hey grant - if you're reading this, let the snob interview you.

Prolly said...

Bike Snob... what are you gonna do when people use BMX stem pads for their BMX stems on their track bikes?

Also, what about the introduction of Pegs via Level hubs?

Anonymous said...

I heard Riv will start selling more pirate accessories in their next catalog. Be patient, Nigel Smythe eye patches are mere "Riv-weeks" away.... that's years to you and me.

Anonymous said...

@ prolly


if i ever saw someone with a stem pad, Id think Id push them off their bike, thats just too much

top tube pad i can understand for messengers saving their shoulders but the stem pad, hah is it 1987 again?

Anonymous said...

Prolly

It's already happening here. And the fight over vintage BMX top tube pads is bloody. (An ugly filthy BMX top tube pad that says something like 'RAD' can score you between $200 and $300.)

People here have also started using plastic BMX chain tensioners to keep their chains tight.

I haven't seen one snap yet...but I'm hoping! :)

-Kicks

meh-wee-uhn said...

Hey Stuart,
It was really nice of you to buy a shitty brakeless track bike for your girlfriend. Jeepers, I sure wish someone would buy me a shitty ass bike and then tell the entire world that if I only knew how to ride better I might have gotten a better bike.

luv, m

Why is it that when you meet a hetero pair that rides, 98% of the time the guy has the better bike and more of them even if the woman has been riding longer and/or is a better athlete and/or makes more $ than the man?

Social commentary brought to you by too many years of living in the Gay Area and underneath the cloud of liberal corruption of UC Bezerkeley.

Prolly said...

Yeah, it's happening here too.

Honestly, most these dudes [I'm friends with] used to ride bmxs, so they can do whatever they want.

In all reality, it's their money.

mm said...

Whoa, wait! Didn't you post a Craigslist blog a while back where someone was looking for a guy with a bird on his arm??? THERE HE IS, YOU FOUND HIM. Let that girl know, I'm sure she'd be really excited.

Anonymous said...

"And a man in Vermont found a condom in his Burger King sandwich."

Honestly, the condom was probably the healthiest part of the sandwich. People are still surprised at this?

Ray said...

That bird is practical, once his feet are glued to the bars and he's infected with Asian bird flu (cheaper than italian bird flu, but you'll never know the difference). Great theft deterrent.

I know for a fact Grant Petersen rides a 15 lb CF bike with an integrated seat post and 15 cm of drop. That Rivendell site is just something to do between bong hits (handmade filligree steel bong).

Strayhorn said...

Ah, I think I have some top tubes left over from my younger brother's BMX days. Profit!

Speaking of profit:

Pistadex

$950

broomie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
broomie said...

RE: Giganitron Lite,

I actually like this bike. Instead of worrying about the esthetic of his bike, he JB welded the rear hub and made handywarmers so he could ride in Minnesota?!

Yes!

Anonymous said...

Pista Concepts don't count in the PistaDex, unless you bump them up to $1000 vs. $600 for normal Pistas.

Anonymous said...

Pista Concepts don't count in the PistaDex, unless you bump them up to $1000 vs. $600 for normal Pistas.

SeattleM&M said...

The Love Grenade link makes up for the missing 'mons pubis' link the other day -- thanks!

Claim to fame recognizable only to 'nugentophiles": I met "Little Miss Dangerous" at a party in Portland in the early '90's! Nice lady. Unfortunately, like me, she's gotten old.

mr.complaint said...

The Gigantitron Lite does look a bit fun. First, it's black. Second, it has a brake (for the ladies). Third, it has a small enough gear ratio to get you where you're going. And forth, I'm all for staying warm.

Also it made me go and look at the Monstrositor Vs. Gigantitron again. I realized where their inspiration came from:

http://tinyurl.com/9z9g
Monstrositor Vs. Gigantitron

beau_layman@yahoo.com said...

RE- My junk Trek, J&B welded cassette hub, hipster top tube padded MTB that will make your little sister cry!

Thanks Broomie!

If you know me, I'm about as far from trendy as it gets. I think track bikes on the road are worthless, not top tube pads. It's not there for looks...hahahahaha.

BTW, the JB weld is holding up quite well!

P.S. Trek still sucks.

Beau from MN said...

So, can I name my Trek the Gigatitron Lite? I like that!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Beau,

Absolutely! While it lacks some of the weaponry and sophistication of the original Gigantitron, it still looks like a good vehicle with which to patrol the post-apocalyptic wastelands. Gigantitron Lite it is.

--BSNYC

PS: You don't have to tell us you're not trendy. We can all see the hand-warmers.

Beau-tiful said...

Hahahaha...Damn, I'm not trendy
:(. What if I start wearing girl pants? I guess it would match the brake!

Since the pics, I have added about a pound of dirt and salt, a shitty lightset and a rear fender.

I think fork mounted tennis racquet holder and a set of aero bars made inot a sling shot are in order.

Anonymous said...

Remember that poor sop who fell in love with the woman who doored him? Wherever he is he should read this missed connection take on crimes of passion and reclaim his self-worth.

http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/mis/511704440.html

Daniel said...

Please, please, someone tell me you also noticed that the Aerospoke and the pink grip bikes belong to the same guy (Stuart from Los Angeles.) The guys at Orange 20 must love it when he drives up to the shop, even if they had to fix his hub after it "striped itself."

Maybe they should throw in a thesaurus with his next purchase, though, since I imagine the aspiring playwright secretary at his photography studio (www.townsleyportraits.com) is getting tired of hearing how "dope" every fucking thing on earth is.

Seriously, the site is hilarious. Also, from FGG: "The writing on the bars are the rides I did the first month or so I had the bike." Now isn't that just the sweetest thing you ever heard? He wuvs his wittle bicycle!

12/14/07 - Went to store by myself. I'm a big boy today!

DontHurtMeImNew said...

Snob,

I'm a Cat 5 when it comes to your site, and I normally stay at the back of comment pack where I can do everyone less harm, but here goes my first breakaway:

I think you have the first "Double Dope Post," as it would seem that Pad #2 and #3 may just be the same Brakeless Wonder, Stuart from LA...

From the "Dope" White Fixie, Pad #2:
"We will see what time will bring... Stuart PS love the website thanks so much stuart@townsleyportraits.com"

From the Mir Space Shuttle Apartment, Pad #3: "...she will need a brake too Stuart stuart@townsleyportraits.com"

DontHurtMeImNew said...

oops...I took too long to type...looks like the pack caught me before I even could look back and see my glory

Anonymous said...

Did anyone catch the $35,000 Pista on eBay last night? That should seriously throw the Pistadex off.

sumadis said...

next year, after a spate of nut numbing trackstand accidents, stem pads will overtake toptube pads in trendiness. bmx is already a huge influence on street-track bikes, tho I doubt many of the aerospoke and colored velocity crowd know that several world champ trackies are ex bmx'ers. it's the fast-twitch syndrome. anyway, stem pads - far more logical. for '09, I'm predicting helmets make a comeback.

Otis said...

Daniel, I just checked out townsley town. Dope, and funky fresh! Eeegad.

buffalo bill said...

I buy expensive lotions at Sephora and rub them on my parrot.

Andy Pandy said...

As pointed out by Pad No 2 contributor , and frequently re-iterated during his rave on his bike "Its DOPE". Poor soul, are we hearing your confession. Dope is the substance that has caused your brain to melt down and limit your vocabulary. That is why the wiser soul in the last photo has taken to a parrot as a companion.... someone has to have enough neuron power to pilot this missile..... Arrh turn now arrrh turn now

leroy said...

Andy --

GPS = Global Parrot System?

Who knew? Thanks for pointing that out!

AnnaZed said...

Did anyone catch the $35,000 Pista on eBay last night? That should seriously throw the Pistadex off.

Ahem … whaaaat???????

Anonymous said...

woogie woogie

Anonymous said...

"Remember that poor sop who fell in love with the woman who doored him? Wherever he is he should read this missed connection take on crimes of passion and reclaim his self-worth."

-That's my neighborhood. I've been hit 4 times in this same area.

Utah has the worst drivers I have ever seen. I never ONCE was hit in Seattle.

I gotta meet this guy and buy him a beer or ten. Actually...I pry already know him.

Flash Gordon said...

Okay, it's bad enough that the first twenty or so comments are lame, but how did you get around mentioning that GIANT EYEBALL WHEEL???? WTF? A disc wheel in the front is bad enough (is it a rudder?) but the custom hippie eyeball paintjob at least deserves one insulting sentence fragment. Was this on purpose? I need an explanation!

P.S. yes, I'm drunk posting, but I'm okay with that.

Anonymous said...

im waiting for kids to use handlebars with crossbars...and crossbar pads....

Philip Williamson said...

Maybe BSNYC should interview Dennis Bean-Larson.

PS: that eyeball disc is dope.

The Flandrian said...

QUOTE "vintage Italian saddles are the new Brooks"

Is that true? That's brilliant news. I have ridden Rolls for more than twenty years -- partly because I really like them, partly because something about my backside is forever stuck in the 1980's.

Now I find that, far from being an overweight, cheapskate, sadsack -I'm at the cutting edge of slacker couture. Awesome! As I believe you young people say.

It's like the time I was stopped by a courier in London's West End, who asked me where I got my cool retro Del Tongo jersey from.

I told him "1983", but it clearly didn't compute.


http://yearinhell.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Maybe this is a bit off topic, but I think Slow Biking (like Slow Food) is the next big trend. I'm serious and I dream of the day when the bike lanes and paths are filled with moderately paced and fendered commuters spinning their lugged steel brevet bikes festooned in canvas and reflective ankle bands. I live close enough to Park Slope to believe. Organic bike shops? You bet. If I come near colliding with some stupid raver (who can't ride to begin with) on one of those ridiculous My Little Pony "track" bikes one more time, I'm afraid I'm going up for murder.

Anonymous said...

One more thing. SE? SE? They were shit when ALL bikes had one piece cranks.

Anonymous said...

Re pad # 2, I've never had a 'striped' hub, but due to a few close-calls with cars recently, coupled with a few too many burrito lunches, I've striped several pairs of cycling shorts.

iron fish said...

I'm disturbed by the photo of the bicycle from Latvia (Also-ran #3). It looks suspiciously like a crime scene, or maybe an alien abduction. Can someone in Latvia please call the proper authorities? Thank you.

Anonymous said...

ewww...

i'm not seeing any $35k pista in ebay completed listings...what gives?

handsomebastard said...

Beau-tiful... Move over bike polo. bike hunts on tribikes with the aerobars converted to paintball slingshots will be the new urban sport. You're having a piss in a quiet alleyway when a black clad bike gang comes screaming through on Quintana-Roos stickered up with "Rad" "No Fear" and "CarsRCoffins" stickers, chasing down the fox (an innocent bmx'r they caught tagging their favorite dive bar/noodle house/coffee shack). It will happen.

Regards the latest crop of made to order fixies.. First, your 'buddy' at the bitchin' bike shop that 'knows' fixies is doubtless trying to block your number after the 18th asinine question or paint color change and has resolved to charge double next time knowing full well the only thing that will deter you is maxing out the amex card.

And finally, why does the sight of those cutesy riser bars on a threadless stem just make me itch in a bad place? Does not look right.

PushingWind said...

Those plain jane, smooth top tube pads are yesterday's news. Check out this beauty posted to the Denver CL.

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/515801045.html

Fuzzy, furry top tube pads have finally dropped in Denver. They may be the new black. At least as far as Denver is concerned.

Reda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lamour said...

prediction for 08:
the new top tube trend.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2242/2095649768_c644eeaa79.jpg

Lamour said...

sorry about that

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2242/2095649768_c644eeaa79.jpg

Anonymous said...

I have one, not padded. With no kickstand having to lock up on sign posts & parking meters thats ok. If you want to save your top tube paint thats ok. The ones you see on a shit bike you l@@k like an ass.

BikeBikeLA said...

It looks like top tube pads get passed out when you buy an AeroWTF. I guess when your spoke cracks and you have to shell out another $300, you can hold it together with your tube pad and take that walk of shame in style.

Anonymous said...

Polo mallets are the new kickstand! Now thaaaaat's dope!!!

Anonymous said...

hey there, where do you get colour chains?

Anonymous said...

I think all of those people need toe clips before pads if they're riding brakeless....

Shim said...

While I understand the NYC Polo is restricted based on the lack of big open fields, I must take exception with your description of bike polo. In the midwest were we have large open fields the game is played on a 120 yard field and full contact is often the rule of the day. A two hour match will often burn the same number of calories as the same time on a mtb ride and more than then a similar amount of time on a road ride.

Johnny Sprocket said...

Bike polo is to bikes; what rollerblade street hockey is to NHL.... a fucking joke !!

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