Monday, November 12, 2007

Fixedgeargallery...of SPECIAL GUEST REVIEWERS!

As difficult as it is for me to admit it, I'm just not qualified to evaluate every single bicycle. As the theme song to "Diff'rent Strokes" pointed out, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, and what might be right for you might not be right for some. (Of course, "Diff'rent Strokes" also pointed out how dangerous it can be to go to bike shops, but that's another post for another day.) Sure, some of the bicycles I see on Fixedgeargallery seem ridiculous, but the fact of the matter is I have a specific body type and a specific riding style, and it's just not fair of me to apply that to every bicycle I see.

So in the spirit of open-mindedness, I decided that for the first time ever I'd turn the site over to a special guest poster whose unique physical characteristics and considerable cycling insight and experience makes him particularly well-suited to evaluate a couple of the latest Fixedgeargallery submissions. Of course, he's a little biased, since one of the bikes happens to be his own. Nonetheless, I hope you'll agree that what he says has merit, and I hope you forgive this departure.

With that, I'm pleased to turn the keyboard over to Clyde the Orangutan.


Hi, I'm Clyde. Thanks to BSNYC for allowing me to hijack the site. Sure, I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy, and what does he know about bikes?" Well, my father Clyde Senior was a movie actor who starred alongside Clint Eastwood in the popular 1978 film "Every Which Way But Loose," as well as in its sequel, "Any Which Way You Can." As the "Magnificent Ambersons" and "Citizen Kane" of human/orangutan buddy comedies, I have no doubt that each one of you has seen both those films numerous times. However, what you probably don't know is that my father and Clint were both avid riders, and did a lot of cycling together. Check out this autographed photo:

I inherited three things from my father: an appetite for fruit, a talent for acting, and a passion for cycling. In 1996 I got to play the title role in "Dunston Checks In," and acted alongside Faye Dunaway and Jason Alexander:

Of course, with success comes corpulence, and now that I've reached middle-age it can be harder to stay in shape. I hadn't ridden much since the pre-Dunston days, when I was a hairy fixture on the So-Cal crit circuit. (Show me a banana prime and I'll show you a sprint that makes Ale-jet look like a lemur on a tricycle.) I decided it was time to get back into riding, but at my age I wasn't about to start racing again. For years, a friend of mine named Morty has been extolling the virtues of fixed-gear riding. Here he is racing against a horseless jockey at the velodrome, moments before crossing the line in victory and mauling him:

Awhile back Morty built himself a new fixed-gear bike which you can check out on today's Fixedgeargallery update:

As you can see, he's gone with bars that suit his upright circus-influenced riding style. He also rides a small frame, since when you've got short bear legs it's all about the standover clearance--even an awesome bike-handler like Morty will dab a paw occasionally, and he wants to have cubs one day. Speaking of paws, Morty's currently riding pedals with clips but no straps, since it's hard for him to find something to accommodate his large feet. He's making due with the current setup, but since he wants to pull some wicked skids he's looking into fabricating something out of a pair of snowshoes and some leather belts.
Morty had me sold on the fixed-gear thing, so it was time to find a bike. I spent hours on Fixedgeargallery and Velospace for inspiration. I decided I wanted something that was stylish and aggressive and that also had the kind of unique geometry that would work with my proportions. Here's what I went with. I think you'll agree it's perfect for me:

This bike is an absolute blast to ride. It may seem like you're looking at the front half of the bike through a glass of water, but the small front wheel and low bars are perfect for my long torso and arms. Not only are they comfortable for riding, but they also let me mount and dismount the bike in that cool "swing the leg over the bars" way. As the description mentions, "every part has been hand sourced paying attention to pedigree, performance and of course aesthetic," and I'm sure you'll agree this is very much in evidence. Just look at that 110bcd double crank with a single ring mounted on the inside. That setup's got more pedigree than a dog show. The gear ratio might look big to you, but as an orangutan I have a tremendous strength-to-weight ratio and as a result I'm somewhat of a gear masher. I also decided to go with tubulars. Sure, they can be inconvenient for street riding, but the fact is I lack the opposable thumbs that you need in order to install tubes and use tire levers. Tubulars, however, are a breeze--I just stretch them using my hands and prehensile feet and pop them on. The only thing that sucks is getting glue in my fur, but I'm going to try that tubular tape and see if that's any better. And like Morty, I run brakeless. With fixed-gears, it's all about the purity. Plus, if I get in a tight spot I just grab a low-hanging tree branch or power line and swing to safety.

But the best thing about my new ride is how jealous Morty is. That salmon color scheme has him drooling. Literally.


Well, that's it for me. Thanks, and keep the rubber side down!

495 comments:

1 – 200 of 495   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

Wicks

Anonymous said...

johnson...

Anonymous said...

Proving: If you put enough monkeys in a room with a keyboard eventually one of them will write Shakespear. Good job Clyde!

(Yes, I know, he's not a monkey... get over it!)

Anonymous said...

Clyde, not only do you have opposable thumbs, but unlike us humans, you have a COMPLETE SET of divergent hallux. Whether or not you can use them to install clinchers is another question, but clearly the tubie-glue sniffing has left you confused about what fingers and toes are actually thumbs.

KanyonKris said...

Devo would be proud. These fixie hipsters are going the wrong way on the evolutionary path.

justacoolcat said...

Right turn Clyde.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:30pm,

Holy crap, you're right! I also have opposable big toes. No wonder I type so well.

It's clincher time! I think I'll also take up needlepoint.

--Clyde

spokey dokey said...

How long before the anonymous douchebag that posts first and second everyday comes up wit Vervecken...
Page?

Polygraf said...

also any of you in toronto able to ride a fixie on a half pipe?
Whut are they doing in canada?

Anonymous said...

Page!

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob,

Morty's new build wears MKS halfclips that do not accomodate straps.

I have a set. They allow me to have some retention for casual riding with the kids without having to play with straps. Of course having real uses does not mean safe from bikesnob redicule!

Anyways, your post is entertaining as always. I specially impressed with your wide knowledge of the cycling world and the greater "culture" for a lack of a better word. I specially enjoy looking up non-cycling references you name drop.

By the way, I am not sure why the randonneuring inspired fancy canvas bag, bag support, honjo fender, wool knicker, custom rack crowd has escaped your ironic eyes. I guess that as an aspiring member of this sub-sub-niche I don't feel that I have arrived untill my group has come under the focus of yoru acerbic wit.

Anonymous said...

NYS!

guero canadiense said...

Polygraf,

I don't know what they're doing to that poor Colnago but I see a lot of fixies in Toronto on the roads and paths but none on half pipes.

Then again, I keep mine (top tube and all) away from half pipes and on road and path, so what do I know?

Anonymous said...

that salmon coloured colnago...lame. lame. lame. his whole tone in the FGG blurb is like the bike is some sort of art project.the bike should be forcibly removed from his grasp and laid to rest in pieces.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:39,

Thanks for pointing that out about the pedals. I guess Clyde didn't look too closely. (Frankly I think he's got his opposable thumb up his a** a lot of the time.) I can certainly see the use for those pedals though they seem far from ideal for a brakeless set-up.

I suppose if I were seeing faux radonnerds posturing in front of wine bars and selling their canvas bags and wool clothing on Craigslist at exorbitant prices I'd be harder on them, but that hasn't happened around here--yet.

--BSNYC

leroy said...

Bike Snob --

Great idea to turn today's post over to Clyde. "A man's got to know his limitations."

But unless I'm mistaken, Clyde's father was a bit of a menace to cyclists with his right cross maneuver.

Paul Johnson said...

Wine bars? You'll find the baggy wool set hunkering (not yet evolved enough to posture) in convenience stores gorging on stale pizza pockets and luke warm chocolate milk. Faux randos? Umm I don't know, it's so arcane I'm not sure there is a faux rando set yet.

Anyway, your Clyde piece didn't quite make the mark. No worries though, you set the bar very high with that 5 Mags post so just consider this a gentle slip to the curb, after an heroic skid.

Now climb back on that bike and gin up more endorphins so you can get back to the BSNYC standard.

Yr Pal DrCodfish

Clyde701 said...

At some point, please post a piece about anonymous douchebags dressed full Assos (Fugujack, full booties, etc.) on 53-degree day who relentlessly wheelsuck even after being politely asked not to do so.

leroy said...

Ooops, I meant Clyde's father practiced the right hook.

What was I thinking?

Anonymous said...

DrCodfish -

Not exactly sure what your idea of the "mark" is. This is original, and clever. What else do you want? Lighten up.

bikesgonewild said...

..."more pedigree than a dog show"...nice, clyde, most excellent...& way ta keep yer similes in the animal kingdom...

...bet cha won't be wearing girls jeans anytime soon, w/ those legs...

pinchfinger said...

Words fail me.
Who knew there was a Simian zeitgeist, a bubbling subcurrent in our urban aesthetic.
Like my Pa always told me, "Don't mess with the monkey, son".

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:13pm,

What Dr. Codfish doesn't realize is that I have no standards, though apparently he does. Of course he's only setting himself up for disappointment, but nonetheless he's entitled to point out when they haven't been met. His refund is in the mail.

--BSNYC

gttim said...

I was going to ask about bottle cages, but without opposable thumbs he might not be able to drink on the bike anyways.

bikesgonewild said...

...pisshaw, codfish...dammit, man, what kinda monkey business did ya expect on a holiday monday, anyway...

...but good on you guys in the pacific nw for tryin' a do the right thing on the peter mckay situation...caps off...

nolucker said...

Velikovsky was wrong-our ancestors rode geared bikes.After eons of natural selection came Clyde riding a fixie-I wonder what the next million years has in store for us.

Anonymous said...

waaahhahaha
Thumbs up , clyde!

Hi, I'm rags said...

I think that Colnago's supposed to have pursuit bars. It is, as the FGG page mentions, a pursuit bike.

I think the next trend is going to be Freds. Everyone will buy plastic hardshell helmets and reflective vests, and attach a lot of racks and horns to their bikes.

In fact, with their joining of so many disciplines into one bike (road bike, beach cruiser seat, touring rack, mountain bike handlebars, road worker's vest), couldn't the Freds be the ones to unite us all? Their spirit is, "I may have a '70s sport touring bike, bit I will it to be a [mountain, delivery, touring, commuting, downhill, tandem ...] bike, and it shall be so!

quaffimodo said...

in order to keep things Fair and Balanced maybe you could give one of those car-shaped bears you mentioned a while back a shot at it.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe there have been 27 comments on this post and no one has brought up the ugly ass 'Mission Bike' stem on the salmon bike. Especially after the tirade this yahoo went on... 'every part has been hand sourced paying attention to pedigree, performance and of course aesthetic before refinishing, reupholstering and redesigning to make that wild frame pop!' What a bunch of chest thumping crap! I do love the current Academy Awards acceptance speeches thanking everyone who gave parts or advise like folks out there give a damn. Good times.

Cheers!

Matt in Seattle

Hucker said...

You would think that Clyde would be more comfortable in the woods as a freerider...

Anonymous said...

Clyde,

great post - hope bikesnob will allow you as well as other guests of a similar caliber to post. Awesome bike by the way,

Hi, I'm rags said...

Anonymous @ 12:39 PM

Randonneur-ers are just like Freds with more athletic ability and a love of anal bleeding.

todd said...

Where's the love for that great Tony Danza movie "Going Ape?"

Kevin said...

Clyde, you forgot to mention how well the colnago's clipless pedals work with puffy-tongue hi-tops.

Lt Col Tim... said...

Bikesgonewild said: "what kinda monkey business did ya expect on a holiday monday, anyway..."
Actually, as a veteran I would expect Clyde's best. You know, some empathy seeing as we're only a gene or two apart. Now if this bike is such a freakin' project, the least they could do is restore the paint and decals to original quality?? I'm sure some bike restoration experts out there will inform me as to why this restoration would probably detract from the frame's value.

bikesgonewild said...

...lt col tim...i first thought you'd implied that clyde was only "a jean or two away" & i wondered if clyde had started shaving those legs...whoa, scary...

...someday a lotta these 'kids' will get tired of bike hipness & all those cool ol' frames will be back on the market, cheap...clean 'em up, restore 'em, appreciate 'em...i hate to see neat ol' framesets rattle-canned cuz of peer pressure...fix gear 'em, sure, that's cool but dig on their history...

Anonymous said...

Clyde is a scab, hired to handle writing duties while BSNYC walks the picket line!

mindtron said...

This is a joke right? I hope it is

Dr. Pina Rello said...

BSNYC,

I would be interested to hear if Clyde experiences any numbness in the saddle on his Colnago and if he doesn't what particular riding position he assumes.

This particular seat angle and frame geometry combined with a normal riding stance would result in sterility for both male and female riders of the human species due to acute crushing of the genitals. Here in Boston we see a number of Bicycle Induced Sterility or "the BIS" as it is referred to in the field. There is no cure but I am happy to report that we have embarked on a successful preventive medicine study in partnership with Mass General Hospital and the makers of KY Personal Lubricant. If the angle of the seat is increased slightly and the cone of the seat coated with lubricant we find a new riding style possible where nose of the seat is inserted into the anus. Though this riding style has been slow to catch on, the arrival of ultra narrow profile Kashimax NJS saddles, as part of the current NJS craze, has increased participation in our study.

Please inform Clyde that if he would like to participate in our study he make contact me via email. As a participant he will receive a complimentary Top Tube Pad. I believe we even have mint green still in stock, so we can match his color scheme.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pina Rello
Mass General Hospital

lt col tim... said...

bikesgonewild

so I infer that rustoleum is a no go, but a true restoration would be the way to go?

not that I have such a project ...yet. right now its my cdale capo, completely stock, except for adding some "look" alike performance pedals and swapping out the 17 cog for a 20... the 48x17 wasn't doing it for this old fart.

"a jean away" probably a 36"x22" hahahahah! the question is how high does a simian shave his legs? probably have to put some "banana boat" sun tan oil to keep those legs white.

what's next, wilbur the horse reviewing a fixie tandem?

Everybody, please thank a veteran today or any day, regardless how you feel about Bush or the war. they serve so others may be free.

alliwannadoisbicycle said...

there sure are a ton of hipster monkeys...

n8 said...

according to FGG Clyde is trying to sell his bike for $3850 CAD or $4075 US!

Not many scripts coming your way these days Clyde?

Anonymous said...

dr pina rello
so if all these goofy super pitched seat/bar positions are causing sterility in the douchebags who ride them...wouldn't that be a form of natural selection? and why would we want to prevent it? let the trust-fund fixies kill their bad gene lines with bad geometry and skinny jeans...our children will thank us.

seventythree said...

the colgano is sure to make the
best of/worst of 2007 BSNYC list.

the owner rides half pipes
in his Run DMC shoes
on a 4k(his selling price) Colgano.

'scuse me I just threw up.

marlo said...

I like you; you can stay.

AnnaZed said...

midtron -

No dear, it is real:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/27/sports/othersports/27polo.html

Bizarre, but real. Except, of course, in New York (well, Brooklyn) they do it on fixies.

bikesgonewild said...

...lt col tim...first things first...unequivocally, i stand & salute you & any other vets including my young nephew who did two tours & is now one of the leaders of "iraq veterans against the war"...
...i will say no more as this is not the proper format, but here, on this day, i do salute you all...

...now then, i'm of mixed thoughts on restoration, as i fully dig seeing a restored, repainted & re-decal-led cherry old classic...at the same time, my townie is a 24yr old bianchi in celeste w/ blue decals...i set it up as a non-fixed single, w/ campagnolo drive, modolo's, pantographed stem & seatpost, celeste saddle & silca pump & a straight bar...can't even remember my gear set...

...in other words, kinda classic but maybe not so much & the bit'o'rust on it is gonna stay...

...i did bring up the suggestion of a shaved leg simian but the image is now more than i can handle...

...& wilbur the horse will be commenting on "clydes--dale" racing for another publication...

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Bikes Gone Wild --

I think that will be Mr. Ed speaking for the Clydesdales.

Wilbur was his human sidekick.

It's okay though. Knew what you meant and thought it was a pretty good idea!

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy, i just get SO confused sometimes...

...now if i could only find my animal tranqs...

Anonymous said...

I bring wonderful news from Long Beach, CA!!
The Kiss of Death is puckering up for hipster fixies...I spotted a mid-50s gentleman in Khaki shorts and Hawaiian shirt riding his Depp-V and Riser Bar-equipped Bareknuckle fixie down 2nd Street (a local drag near the beach)...Can wholesale abandonment from the whole hipster community be far behind when they realize their fathers and grandfathers have co-opted their style? We can only hope....

Anonymous said...

Randonnerd! My god... I think I've finally found my niche.

lt col tim... said...

thanks... "shaved monkey's ass"... does it require chamois cream?

i think i fall on the "restore" side of the line assuming it is done faithfully and executed well.

now would mr ed chop and flop is stoker bars? if he only half wrapped them would that be 3 red rockets? ok i'll stop.

bikesgonewild said...

...lt col tim...mine does...shit, i've now revealed way to much...

Mark said...

Hey, can someone explain what the fuck it means to "hand source" a part? Does that mean you scour CL and ebay by hand, instead of having a robot do it? Does that mean people have robots that can search for retarded bike parts on the internet? I guess I should really save this question for a "talented young designer".

Also, I had no idea you could get disc wheels made out of tyvek and custom-printed at kinko's these days.

Oh, and one last thing... That's not a big gear he's got on there. THIS is a big gear.

devil's anvil said...

I like how the Colnago FGG entry says: "The build team was led by talented young Irish designer Eoin Murphy" and was sent from Eoin Murphy's own email address.

Heckler said...

Another big gear here (and quite fast)
Radonnerd. I love you man.

Anonymous said...

that was the creepiest diff'rent strokes episode ever.

Anonymous said...

and a Brook's saddle on that speed record bike!!

BSNYC, I just spent a week in San Diego. The ubiquitous stand-up-to-ride chopper bikes, endless cruisers on the sidewalk, and extra slow roadies might be worthy of your attention.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised nobody has pointed out the clearence between the fork and front wheel on that yellow thing - it looks like the first time you rode over a small puddle of mud the front wheel would seize up.

Fattie Merckx said...

Tight clearance = street cred

Anonymous said...

No need to worry about tire clearance. Morty is just always turning left, thats all.

Bujiatang said...

Wasn't there a pinky and the brain where the sub could only turn left...

Jim said...

Lanterne Rouge!

Ryder said...

Yo BSNYC, seems like you could have a field day with this one http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/nov/5/Kman_2.htm

Ryder said...

its .htm

John said...

"By the way, I am not sure why the randonneuring inspired fancy canvas bag, bag support, honjo fender, wool knicker, custom rack crowd has escaped your ironic eyes."

Go back and read some entries, BSNYC has definitely poked good-natured fun at Rivendell, Grant Peterson, Sheldon Brown, et al.

Randonnerds just aren't as juicy a target because they actually ride their bikes and the crap they put on them serves a purpose. Plus they don't gush about how rad their chainline is and how uncomfortable their bikes are.

Anonymous said...

Shrill high-pitched shriek!

It's Grant P-E-T-E-R-S-E-N! With an E!
Kent is the Peterson with the O.
And the coroplast accessories.

I just saw Sheldon Brown the other day.
Nice guy. He was on his Greenspeed trike.


I've seen randonnerds of all persuasions.
All over the map, really.

Modern racing, MTBs, tourers, fixed-gears, hub-gears, recumbents...
carbon fiber, steel, titanium, aluminum, ... it only matters that you finish within the alloted time.

Really hard to pigeonhole based on equipment.

Not any BMX or Freeride or middleweights.

The faster ones are often (not always) disciplined roadies with all the accoutrements (GPS cues, spandex, Hammer Gel) who apparently aren't satisified with riding really fast after just a few hours. Gotta be a couple days.

But... by all means poke fun!
Ever seen them feed at a checkpoint?
Like pigeons descending on a tossed hamburger bun!

Diff'rent Strokes, indeed.

ole' said...

geezus they wern't kidding that bike isn't just for dirty filthy bicycle couriers its also for prissy whiny fashionista fixie faieres.....oh and those of the primate variety

ole' said...

wow they weren't kidding when they said that that bike isn't just for dirty filthy bicycle couriers its also for prissy whiney fashionista fixie faeries

Anonymous said...

I know your type...

You're fast and ya like pain. Ya eat it like candy. But ya gotta be djer-a-bull.

real djer-a-bull...

Anonymous said...

man, you really are a hater. you know that's what "snob" translates to right? plus i read your article in bicycling(and saw your bike... not that hot by the way) and i'd ride either of these bikes over that nyc standard black and white track bike. way to match your clothes for the photoshoot. learn what hot is, then grow a mustache, then show your face in your interview so we can see that mustache, then learn what hot is again, then stop being a hater.

oh, and hate on this post too... call me a hipster or whatever it is you're crusading against, but the fact is, i'm proud of kids for being proud of their bikes. hipster or not, i bet most of these people ride more than they drive cars, and that's what's really important.

Anonymous said...

you guys forgot to troll seattle craigslist # 478335739

Anonymous said...

easily the best blog yet...hope to hear more from Clyde and Morty in the future.

BSNYCBF said...

Amazing! No straps...just genius! I'm sure whoever the nineteen year old bitch who put that cute (snicker) bike together has been put in her place. As always Bike Snob you're truely a gardian of style.

Anonymous said...

has the person who built the cute bike been put in their place? do you really think this dude holds that much weight? get real. don't get me wrong, i love this website because it's funny how much of a asshole this guy is... but if you think he's really making ANYONE feel bad, then i think you should guess again.

Richard said...

Just wanted to point out that using orangutans for a quick laugh isn't that funny. Orangutans are truly remarkable creatures and deserve all our love and respect.

Orangutans don't belong in movies or commericals. To get them to perform, their owners/trainers often resort to beating them with metal pipes. When performing apes get too big and refuse to perform, they are often euthanized, which isn't so funny... right?

Some of the luckier apes make it to a sanctuary such as the Center for Great Apes. Here's their website: http://www.prime-apes.org/

If you want to learn more about orangutans, please visit the Orangutan Outreach website: http://redapes.org
Why not adopt an orphaned baby?

Also, try to catch 'Orangutan Island' on Animal Planet. Fridays at 8:30 PM E/P

I don't mean to harp on anyone-- esp the owners of this blog, who by very nature of promoting bikes in NYC are doing a good thing... but come on, you should know better... Peace.

Anonymous said...

take the fucking china man and the bear off.

that shit aint too funny.

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