Wednesday, September 10, 2008

No Money Mo Problems: Involuntary Collabos

Though the minor inconveniences and stylistic transgressions that surround me often render me apoplectic, when it comes to the larger issues of life I do my best to remain in a state of contemplation and reflection. I often find that in the face of difficulty a simple shrug and a beatific smile are enough to make the difficulty go away--mostly because when you shrug and smile beatifically people think you're intellectually disabled. (It's difficult to, say, collect on an outstanding debt when the debtor cannot even comprehend the concept of debt and simply stares back at you smiling and drooling.) Even when I'm beset with problems related to this blog, I try to embrace them since they're simply problems born of the fact that people are actually reading the blog, and as such are what one might call "good problems." (Like Chris Carmichael had a "good problem" when he had to decide between epic rides in yesterday's post, or when he has to choose which Serotta to ride once he's decided on an epic ride, or when he has to try to wipe his own self-satisfied smile off his face while he's taking that ride so he doesn't get bugs in his mouth.) So sure, I can't post in my own comments section anymore because someone's posting comments as me. And sure, there are people who make a point of posting disparaging comments about me on a daily basis like someone walking into a cheese shop and then complaining loudly about "that cheesy smell." But hate is simply an extreme form of love, and is in all cases better than indifference, so I figure if I can engender that type of passion from somebody by simply sitting around typing in my underpants then I must be doing something right.

Still, even my glassy-eyed, slack-jawed, dribbling resolve was challenged when a reader forwarded me one of the latest Scattante bicycles. If you're unaware of Scattante, let me just explain that it's neither something to do with jazz singing nor something to do with sex acts involving going to the bathroom. Scattante is in fact a house brand of Performance Bike that is meant to sound all Italianate, sort of like Tazo tea is a house brand of Starbucks that is supposed to sound all Eastern and mystical. Well, like any line of bicycles Scattante attempts to create models that reflect the tastes and interests of today's riders. But unlike normal bicycle lines, which generally do so in a slick, smarmy, and sort of insidious way, Scattante do it in a clunky, goofy, obvious way. I'm guessing part of the reason for this is that instead of copying what riders are doing to their own bikes, Performance/Scattante is copying the other bike companies' copies of what riders are doing to their own bikes, so it's at best a second-generation facsimile. And it looks like the latest bike they're copying is the Specialized Langster:



This bike will allow you to fly across town or campus in the simple, elegant style that only a single speed road bike allows. It’s a little known fact that when William of Ockham developed his theory of simplicity, he was dreaming about a white single speed road bike.

See? They're even doing city-specific bikes. However, I'm not sure which city is "Liberty City," and when I plugged it into a popular search engine (Dogpile--what else is there?!?) the best I could come up with was that it's the city from "Grand Theft Auto." I also had to popular search engine William of Ockham (remember, I'm intellectually disabled). It turns out he's the guy behind Occam's Razor, which was the world's first disposable razor and which revolutionized the entire depilatory world. (Thank you, Dogpile! Accurate as always.) Clearly, with their references to smart people and college campuses, they are marketing this bike to smart people, a demographic of which I am surely not a part. Fortunately, though, they've got other models for other cities, so it stands to reason I can find a bike which speaks to me.



Single speed road style finally jumps the shark with the Liberty City Courier bike from Scattante. The curved bullhorn handlebars save you from having to “flop and chop” anything while allowing you to travel in a more upright position, saving your back while keeping you stylish.

Hmmm, getting closer. I got the "jumps the shark" reference and I didn't even have to popular search engine it! I also didn't have to popular search engine "Windy City," which everybody of course knows is Cleveland. However, I was still confused. Firstly, why is the bike called the "Windy City" but the copy says it's the "Liberty City?" Secondly, why would Performance/Scattante (Perttante?) sell a bike by saying that it's jumped the shark? To me, this either indicates that they don't fully understand the phrase, or more intriguingly that they do understand the phrase and are being extremely honest and self-deprecating. (And if it's the latter, then they have my respect.) But then there was this:

Looking for a sure-fire way to lower the pistadex? Ditch your old bike on craigslist to make room for the new Empire State Courier from Scattante! Watch your friends marvel at the clear-coat over raw steel industrial look of this simple yet effective single speed road bike. The riser handlebars make for a comfortable and stylish bike just begging to be taken out for a little fixed gear freestylin’.

I was now officially freaked out. Awhile back when I noticed that someone had started PistaDex.com I said I felt like I had gotten up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and found a stranger sitting on my toilet. Finding the term being used by Performance was also strange, but in this case it was more like throwing out a pair of underwear and then a few weeks later getting stuck behind some fixter on the Williamsburg Bridge and noticing that he's wearing them. Similarly disturbing was the appearance of the term "fixed gear freestylin'," though I suppose it is appropriate since it officially replaced "track bike" at the Cycling Summit almost a year ago. And interestingly, instead of naming this bike after a city, Perttante named it after all of New York State, though it does have a skyline on the top tube that appears to be either Albany or Schenectady, or perhaps even the twin cities of Troy and Watervliet.

As distressed as I was to see that I had been incorporated into Perttante's take on the "fixed-gear freestyler" though I decided I should look upon it as a "good problem." Apparently a large company thinks my words have the ability to help them sell bicycles, and clearly they recognize my integrity because they certainly didn't insult me by offering to give me any credit in return. And isn't appropriation without acknowledgment the highest form of respect? They also have as much respect for their customers as they have for me, since they've gone so far as to actually manifest a joke from this blog in bicycle form and sell it to people for $599.99.

So I guess I've officially done a "collabo," albeit totally unwittingly. And I guess by mentioning it here I've collaborated even further. Oh, well, it's a good problem to have--even though I still feel kind of dirty. I'm now going to take a searing hot shower and scrub myself clean with a wire brush.

168 comments:

yikes said...

Podium

Anonymous said...

huh?

Anonymous said...

-this podium position is for sale

Anonymous said...

wow. i only kinda dislike myself, showed up here at random

Barkernews said...

kerploweee!

Anonymous said...

read the whole thing, it said 0 comments at the bottom, came on here and there's loads of em!

That'll learn me.

streepo said...

I'll never learn.

Mongo Pusher said...

Non anonymous podium!

JB said...

What about Armstrong coming out of retirement?

Do you think he'll triumph and put the rumors of doping to rest, or do you think he'll get smoked like a Christmas ham and tarnish his reputation forever?

Anonymous said...

I would like to think that Performance is tipping a hat to you. If they credited you, would they owe you royalties?

Critical Ass said...

Gotta had it to Scattante...their "city series" bikes don't look nearly as gay as the Specialized series.

Anonymous said...

That's pretty cool, the guys at performance must read your blog. What would the official BSNYC bike look like? I'm guessing a steel cross bike with fenders, single front chainring and nine cogs on the back. Dowtube shifters? Or my favorite, downtube shifter for the front chainring, integrated for the rear.

Anonymous said...

This collabo is a sure-fire top ten finish that'll drop the pistadex like a pair of your mom's panties.

The RP Muse said...

Is it a sign of the apocalypse if the Atlantic Monthly fiction issue sports an illustration of a fixed-gear bike?
See here:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B000UHI2LW/ref=dp_image_0?ie=UTF8&n=599858&s=magazines
(at least there's a front brake on it... )

Does Lance Armstrong get smoked at anything? The guy is a born competitor--he might not win the whole thing, but he'd not likely to embarass himself.

Sumbiker said...

The cycling world has gone stark raving mad.

Looks like it's back to curling.

Anonymous said...

top 15!

streepo said...

As a resident of Watervliet, I'd have to say the skyline looks like an amalgam of Albany, Schenectady, Troy, Watervliet and possibly Mechanicville thrown in.

Michael Ball said...

I now use Occam's Razor Ultra with 7 pivoting blades. It's not as simple as the single blade but, as with bicycles, sometimes there is a trade off between simplicity and performance.

Anonymous said...

Darn! They're all otta stock.

Anonymous said...

They may well owe you roaylties either way. I'm not sure, however, if you can successfully sue them anonymously.

Horns of a dilemma, indeed.

JAT in Seattle

Jay said...

Off topic, but I love that there's a Lasik Eye Surgery ad on your blog. I don't remember which post mentioned that though.

And, are you credited per click?

ant1st said...

First!

wishiwasmerckx said...

What is that cheesy smell in here? Did you just fart?

erik k said...

Perhaps you could strike a deal with them to sell seal of disapproval cycling caps.

Senior Scattante said...

It smells when I bend over

anon 2:11 said...

"But hate is simply an extreme form of love."

That is so deep. I love you SO MUCH! Or hate you just a little bit? I don't know, it's probably more complicated than that.

I read this blog because, despite how I might feel about it from one day to the next, it doesn't actually require a large investment in time nor does it cause me any pain to do so. For other people around here, their happiness seem to rise and fall with this comments section.

But, once again, I struggle to understand why someone would draw attention to the things that are for sale yet they despise.

Sort of like Bill Maher wanting McCain to be elected just so he has more material use in his show. So glad someone in this business has some intergrity.

Christopher said...

I was absolutely convinced that this was a brilliant piece of satire executed so smoothly no one would notice. Then I decided to check ... and was shocked that the descriptions actually read that way.

Intellectual property laws aside, Performance needs to send you a messenger bag full of cash for both your writing and your advertising.

It's my hope that Performance is truly being self-depreciating -- I don't see how it could be otherwise (barring an astounding lack of comprehension by writers, proofers and brand managers).

leroy said...

Plagarism is the sincerest form of larceny.

But an Empire State Courier bike?

A customer calls up: "Hello, I need to get a set of blueprints from the Adirondacks to Buffalo today. Is Mr. Dog Paw available?"

Answer: "No, but Mr. Orbach just walked in and he has a new Scattante single speed."

Anonymous said...

No, Liberty City would be Philly, home of the Manayunk Wall...and inordinate number of silly fixies. (At least they didn't name the bike after our very own Lemon Hill.)

The vision of pro cyclists shaving their legs with Occam's Razor is truly mind-boggling.

Commiecanuk said...

Scat tante, from the latin for "much shit", likely has one of those single chicken frames.

Complaining about BSNYC in the comments section is like complaining about a movie with Steve Martin in it: you knew what you were getting into.

It’s a little known fact that when William of Ockham developed his theory of simplicity, he was dreaming about a white single speed road bike, and smoking some seriously good shit.

acquiesce808 said...

congratulations, my boy. you've finally made it!

Surly Bastard said...

I thought Cleveland was The Lake'O Fire City. Guess the wind must have blown it out. Thanks for the update.

I've been out day-tripping for years and have missed a whole lot of good new like this...

Is the check from Performance in the mail? Or are they just going to give you an additional 70% on the new Forte Orange Julius Bar Tape?

bother yam said...

Performance/Scattante (Perttante?)

Scatformance.

Critical Ass said...

ITOTM (pron. EYE-totem)said:
***Sort of like Bill Maher wanting McCain to be elected just so he has more material use in his show.***

Sorta like Rush Limbaugh wanting Clinton to be elected in '92 so he could make a career for himself over the next 8 years.

JIM N said...

Holy fuck, this has to be an intern at Performance playing a joke on his colleagues. Best part of the joke is that these cost more than a Pista.

anon 2:11 said...

Occam's razor. Now that's funny as this blog is essentially built on defying the principle.

senior scattante said...

Anyone up for a cleveland steamer?

anon 2:11 said...

Right, Limbaugh, him too. Better example actually as I hate Limbaugh, but, does that mean I really love him?

So profound.

libertyonbikes! said...

i was wrong, it's not 1986 for the fixed gear, it's 1990. so next summer i can go to hot topic to pick up my BSNYC shirt?

Anonymous said...

Performmance single speed makes more sense than Campy 11-Speed.

Chris said...

looks like p-mart is appropriating a number of fixtures from BSNYC: the "Lone Star" recommends getting a top-tube pad, deep-vs and a PIE PLATE and going to town...

Mike D said...

Like Christopher, I didn't believe it until I loaded the site myself and checked.

This article was particularly interesting to me as my commuter bike is a Scattante. I guess I should slap a "disapproval" sticker on it someday.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit! Didn't someone once say that "imitation is the sincerest form of plaigirism?"

crispy said...

This blows my mind. . . It's got to be some form of a joke, and the fact that they're all out of stock suggests it might well be, unless of course someone has seen one of these bikes in real life.

Snob, a tilt o' the hat (helmet?) to you - this is incredible!

Commiecanuk said...

If you don't love Rush Limbaugh, you can't love Jon Stewart, one cannot exist without the other.

Yes, I just blew your mind.

Anonymous said...
Holy shit! Didn't someone once say that "imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism?"


I said that, then someone plagiarized me.

Anonymous said...

How, oh HOW could you forget the Lone Star?

"Want to go custom? Grab a top tube pad, some Deep V’s and a pie plate and go to town!"

My mind just imploded.

Jim said...

Performance is to cyclists as Walmart is to upscale suburbanites: everybody talks shit about Walmart but then buys jeans there. I'm happy they're attempting to move into the stylistic and marketing mainstream of cycling, aiming to become Target, rather than the Walmart. No word yet on whether poor brother and wholly-owned subsidiary NashBar is going to become the cycling equivalent of Crazy Eddy's...

As for the ad copy being incomprehensible, I presume that like their bikes, it is made in a small factory in Taiwan that also does work for Colnago. So the copy makes perfect sense if you can speak Engrish fluently.

http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2008/07/then-well-grab.html

Bite the wax tadpole, my friends!

Anonymous said...

I'm building a town inspired fixie my self
ready...The Mamaroneck
using a nice chick frame

Anonymous said...

Then there's the Scatform (I think its more appropriate than Perttante)
Lone Star bike...

it says this :

Looking for a simple yet effective road commuter without having to spend an arm and a leg? Look no further than the Lone Star Courier from Scattante. No need to strip a bike down and search hopelessly for single speed parts, this bike is ready to rock! Want to go custom? Grab a top tube pad, some Deep V’s and a pie plate and go to town!


PIE PLATES!! I think they're out to get you ...

19711007 said...

packfill!

Commiecanuk said...

Jim said...
Performance is to cyclists as Walmart is to upscale suburbanites: everybody talks shit about Walmart but then buys jeans there.


Which explains why you can spot out American tourists from 500m in Europe. That, and the bizarre fact that Germans wear red jeans. Vas ist up with that?

Anonymous said...

BSNYC/RTMS:

unless you yourself work for Performance, you should contact them via their Live Chat thingy on their website and ask them what gives.....

William of Ockham said...

hey man..ya got any chips? ..uh..doritos.. or something...?

genersal lsmenedd said...

bsnyc works/writes for performance?

the blog was conceived and designed to reach this point.

it can be looked at in two ways:

one, the bsnyc blog has been an elaborate example of viral marketing...

or two, the LHC has indeed altered the fabric of space/time/continuity
and thrown us all into a new world made up of only self-referential meta meta irony.

if only there were some theory one could put to use as a tool when considering a number of ideas against each other.

Bobbo said...

and this from the Lone Star model...
"Looking for a simple yet effective road commuter without having to spend an arm and a leg? Look no further than the Lone Star Courier from Scattante. No need to strip a bike down and search hopelessly for single speed parts, this bike is ready to rock! Want to go custom? Grab a top tube pad, some Deep V’s and a pie plate and go to town!"

Anonymous said...

lol... yes, but assuming one HAD such a tool... which of those notions would be simpler?

Anonymous said...

Is this the jumping of the shark that had been prophecied??

genersal lsmenedd said...

So sure, I can't post in my own comments section anymore because someone's posting comments as me

what? can somebody bring me up to single speed on this?

Anonymous said...

someone got a "BikeSnobNYC" account somewhere that makes his handle appear in blue w/the underlining, the only difference is the REAL bikesnob has an orange B from Blogger in front of his handle.

g said...

I defer to the Simpson's to explain both the Performance and Anon 2:11 situation:

"I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello, and even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow."

(Anazed, is that sufficient credit or do I need the episode number as well?)

Sit In.... said...

Well, clearly there is only ONE thing to do here people....



We must leave reviews of these new fixed gear freestylers on the Performance website.


it's the only way.

leroy said...

Anon 1:43 PM --

We both spelled "plagiarism" wrong.

But that just proves we're originals.

frilly said...

Snobby, you do your typing in your undies? I can respect that.

AH said...

I was really hoping for the lovely Poughkeepsie skyline on the Empire State bike.

Oh well...

Anonymous said...

They're not as bad as the langsters I suppose. Those city graphics sort of remind me of Nash skateboard I had growing up that my parents bought me at KMart. It was pink and teal with flamingos on it...

Critical Ass said...

The Mile High City Scatform Single Speed:

Features 1020 high-tensile steel frame, stamped dropouts, and bicentennial themed paint scheme. Drop handlebars are not flopped and chopped, but rather just loosened and flipped upright. Comes with simulated vomit on the stem and top tube. Perfect for cruising Civic Center Park to find that dime bag. Nobody will even suspect you are a cop.

genersal lsmenedd said...

how about the garden state bike?

made for self-absorbed pseudo-intellectuals and harmless, charming painfully self aware eccentrics...

comes with a code for the free download of the shins greatest hits.

Anonymous said...

So do you think Performance will start selling spoke cards and top tube protectors as well?

It's starting to feel like ordering food at Taco Bell isn't it?

congrat's on the recognition Bikesnob
and keep up the good work!

AH said...

Or the Emerald City bike:
"Classic commuting style meets up with modern single-speed simplicity in the Emerald City Courier from Scattante. Grab those custom leather grips on the moustache bars and feel free to discover the freedom of the single speed. Rain? No worries thanks to the flat metal fenders. Big date? No worries thanks to the super stylish paint and subtle details of this lifestyle machine."

Now, who wants a moustache bar ride?

Jim said...

That, and the bizarre fact that Germans wear red jeans. Vas ist up with that?

Yes Canuck, they also wear white cotton pants year-round and simply *adore* David Hasselhof.

Anytime somebody starts throwing alleged European cultural supremacy in my face (paging Ms. Mallik) I like to throw that right back in theirs. Countries that put 'the Hof' on the music charts should not be allowed to criticize anybody else's culture, ever. Matter of fact, I can sum up my Gegenangriff in my Kulturkampf against alleged Euro cultural supremacy in three words:

Eurovision Song Contest!

That shit makes American Idol look like the friggin' Salzburg Fest.

Commiecanuk said...

I love Taco Hell food, I like that one with the cheese and the ground beef and the tortilla, too bad it all tastes like the Styrofoam box.

bsnyc/rtms said...

immanentize the eschaton

Strayhorn said...

The ol' Canuck said: Which explains why you can spot out American tourists from 500m in Europe.

A more reliable indicator is the wearing of baseball-style caps, especially those with the plastic strap in the back. No one but 'Murricans wear those. Ack!

Jim mentioned: Eurovision Song Contest!

The first few times I saw that I thought it was a Eurotrash version of The Gong Show. People singing that badly couldn't be serious. Could they?

Joe said...

Stay informed LHC

Commiecanuk said...

Forget Eurovision, try watching twenty minutes of Italian TV, it's all variety shows featuring lecherous 50-somethings in really nice suits groping bimbos around the age of their daughters...descendants of Da Vinci? The entire social status is how obnoxious your sunglasses are.

Der Hoff ist wunderbar! From ze wikipedia:
"On May 3, 2007, a home video surfaced of Hasselhoff apparently in mid-stupor. The video showed him shirtless, lying on the floor, drunkenly trying to focus on a Wendy's hamburger in a Las Vegas hotel room. His daughter Taylor Ann, who shot the video, can be heard saying, "Tell me you are going to stop, tell me you are going to stop." The daughter also warned her father that he could be jeopardizing his spot in the Las Vegas production of The Producers. In the wake of the leaked video Hasselhoff issued a statement saying that it was released deliberately. Hasselhoff claimed that it was filmed by Taylor Ann so that he could see how he appeared and acted when intoxicated."

The As$Hole from the story said...

Blah Blah Blah, fixed gear blah.

plum said...

I offer a Machias, Maine Edition Scattante complete with landscaped top tube and antler bar ends for 3rd podium position.

Commiecanuk said...

Six minutes with the Hoff.

Hollywood is so glamorous.

M. Weed said...

Performance loves you even more because you make fun of Nashbar. They obviously read this thing every day. Their allusions span many months of your blogging.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, the highlight of our pathetic, meaningless existence is to post a comment so brilliant, so transcendent, as to merit a personal response from the Great One on the comment board. Please don't tell me that we shall hereafter be forever scorned, no matter how well we set you up for the punchline, merely because of the single and unfortunate daylong trainwreck which was the comment board of a few days ago.

its done like this said...

no people, no on has an account with snobby's name on it. They just put a hyperlink over their name to make it appear like snobs. The thing was that they were trying to direct you to a porn site in typical troll fashion. So as long as you don't click the link you should be ok. for example if you click my username you will open a link back to snobs mainpage. And snobby we are smart people here. You could still post and no one will be tricked... and if they are ?!? not your problem. No reason to let Trolls control your life.

AH said...

Jim and commiecanuck--
Your comments on Euro TV are accurate -- but I did see Dag Otto Lauritzen on the Scandinavian version of "Dancing With the Stars" when I was in Copnehagen last year.

Dag Otto was wearing a one-piece leisure suit with the collar open all the way down to his mons pubis. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that.

totalchaud said...

Dudes...can't you see? This is the SNOB-POCALYPSE! Tomorrow morning when we click on our bsnyc bookmarks it's going straight to performancebike.com...we've all been had!!

Rob said...

Clearly Performance is simply living about 6.67 month's in the future, and this is their April Fool's prank. Keep up people.....

rob said...

Is performance in the process of still posting these? This model clearly has the best description:

http://www.performancebike.com/shop/profile.cfm?SKU=26051&subcategory_ID=3040

Dtown said...

really unbelievable, the plagerizm.

But, if offered, Snobby, take the money and give them the rights and run. This is your chance, you're on the cusp of something. Not sure what. Maybe tour the talk show circuit, take a few spots on sitcoms, then write a book. I listened to your transatlantic interview, you are one chatty but entertaining mofo.

We'll miss you, but we know we'll see you again in your next blog, about the GOP, or Lance, or Mini Coopers or something.

Rob said...

should hit preview...."Lone Star":

Looking for a simple yet effective road commuter without having to spend an arm and a leg? Look no further than the Lone Star Courier from Scattante. No need to strip a bike down and search hopelessly for single speed parts, this bike is ready to rock! Want to go custom? Grab a top tube pad, some Deep V’s and a pie plate and go to town!

g said...

I just want to know how EricK hacked the performance site!

Lucky 7 said...

I'm with frilly on the underpants thing. Now I don't feel so bad commenting while in my underpants. My co-workers were starting to take bets on what color thong I'd be wearing each day. Now I can tell 'em it's the required uniform.

Can't wait to read the Lone Star description again. I know Lone Star pretty well and he's a solid dude and has been wearing a pie plate for a long time now for what it's worth.



A

Anonymous said...

Obviously, you aren't very hip. In "Hip-speak", Jumping the shark, means that the item is so bad, it's good. Likewise, The term "wanker", means wise cyclist. In the same way, the term "Noob" means someone who knows all the ropes. So, next time you see some hipster riding a fixster, just yell at him...."Hey!, You Wanker Noob".
He'll let you in the club.

wuest said...

“cowhorn” handlebar? Adds to the emasculated feel. . .

bikesgonewild said...

...mmm, tasty...just had lunch at 'occum's razor-clam shack'...a fine micro-brew & a heaping bowl of occum's steamed razor-clams in natural broth w/ a bit of melted butter & herbs...damn, that's good...

...remember, kids...thursday's lunch special...cioppino 'scattante' w/ a glass of bollo soave for only $6.95...

...& occum's has free wi-fi so you can 'post while you toast'...

...just digestin'...

Tractor Operator said...

I feel for you bike snob. I remember the time in high school when I wore my favorite windbreaker to the GAP. I should point out that I hadn't started shopping there yet, simply because they hadn't started carrying anything I liked. I had found my favorite windbreaker at a local goodwill. It was actually a shell layer from the high school ski team twenty years prior, and was canvas with a large pocket in the front at chest level. Anyway, my girlfriend wanted to buy something there, so I accompanied her. Just months later, I saw my windbreaker, in varying colors and sizes - sans the BOISE HIGH SKI TEAM patch on their shelves! It wasn't the last time they commandeered my fashion choices/mistakes.
.
It stings bike snob. It still stings. But you'll make it.

Anonymous said...

OT but Serious question: need rec. for a bike-mounted beverage holder. I've looked and only find that stupid overpriced one that's just a ring, for tapered coffee mugs. I need one for cylindrical objects such as a can. Has anyone bought or fabricated such a thing?

Thank you.

Camp Cupboard said...

One day I hope to have an online cult following then have shreds of my own insular humor lifted and reused inappropriately in ad copy. It's just always been a dream of mine.

Strayhorn said...

Anon at 4:02 asked:

I need one for cylindrical objects such as a can.

Sure, try this.

impressionable said...

Strayhord, Dude! that is so cool, a single chicken bottle cage. Ah, well, I don't need that new crown on my front tooth all that bad.

jelliot said...

2nd place for my age group!

bikesgonewild said...

...strayhorn...to lessen the goring on the horns of a dilemma of 'cool', would you recommend the $184.99 campagnolo carbon fiber version, which you'll note, does come w/ a campagnolo logo-ed water bottle or perhaps the $11.99 pro-delux model which it is to be noted, comes w/out...

...i'll bet anon 4:02 is waiting patiently for yer reply...

your conscious said...

once again, stupid writing. consistently stupid.

Anonymous said...

2nd!?!!!

3rd?!!!

Anonymous said...

Okay, so the black-ops (guerilla) marketing that started showing up in the comments section a while back was annoying, and odoriferous, but I let it pass. Interns always have that, "I can't afford to dry clean my clothes, so I tell everyone it's Patchouli," smell, on top of their inability to compose an effective argument, made them stick out like sore thumbs.

Now, they have stolen snobby's words from him, and snobby's replies from us.

F'in great.

Anonymous said...

ok. i'll 'fess up.

i read the post, and thought it was really lame to make up fake performance stuff, and then make fun of performance. like making a dumb comment, and then mocking yourself for it with another alias.

then as comments started rolling in, i thought it was even lamer that other people actually thought these were real performance bikes, got fooled, and kept trying to pretend they were real to sucker other idiots. pathetic.

then someone posted a link, and i was curious as to how they faked a link so i punched it in.

only then did i see what a cynical skeptic i am.

and then i got a headache. (really)

so, BG dubs, was your spelling of occam's (nee occum's) razor intentitional, or a freudian slip? because im really thrown for a loop today, and have to get re-grounded in reality

i have to give props to performancebike, though. fairly genius.

Anonymous said...

wow.

when i wrote "intentitional," i obviously meant intentional, but i swear to g-d and sunny jesus that that was a genuine freudian typo.

whoa. i guess it makes me really insecure that i'm happy my freudian typo was "tit" though and not "cum"

Anonymous said...

and i just re-read the post and man does it read a whole lot different. what's the opposite of being really gullible?

i'd really like to congratulate the author of this blog. no way, and i mean no way, did the author ever see this one coming. you figure you start a blog, make a couple of jokes ... pretty soon your wise-cracks get a life of their own and are rolling on the street right next to you. bizarre.

think it's time to retire, this is a pretty sweet high note

frilly said...

bgw & strayhorn, the $184 model comes with free shipping also. What a bargain.

bikesnobnyc said...

anon,

I jerk these post off about ten at a time. i dont even think aboutit. see, there i go again.

BSNYC/RTMS

Strayhorn said...

BGW wanted to know: would you recommend the $184.99 campagnolo carbon fiber version,

But of course! What's the point of buying Campy stuff if not to prove to the world you've got the discretionary income of a periodontist or patent lawyer?

veloben said...

"Accepted" Performance product reviews take 3-5 business days to post. At least they are honest about the filtering, but geez hire some more monkeys to cut the lead time.

Gnarles Darwin said...

My girlfriend keeps stealing my Occam's Razor Ultra to shave her legs.

JimmyNick said...

Yeah! He said CLEVELAND! We're validated!

texastailwind said...

I managed to build a pretty good single speed from a Performance bike
http://texastailwind.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/more-single-speed-love/
Had they made references to the "PistaDex" or "jumping the shark" I probably would have bought it sooner

Enhancement Smoker said...

Morons - everyone knows that Liberty City is in Miami:

http://en.wikipedia.org/
wiki/Liberty_City_(Miami)

bikewhorder said...

Oh my god, how Ironic! Hey Fuck Performance/Nashbar, those guys are way too pricey, I recently discovered www.huskybicycles.com and I'm totally stoked. Now I can restore all my deparment store bikes without breaking the bank. Sure the sites a little weird to navigate, but the savings are well worth the effort.

AnnaZed said...

g – looks ok to me, carry on.

Anon 4:02 ~ I assume that you mean for a beer can. Use this:

http://tinyurl.com/Handlebar-Mounted-Bottle-Holde

Oh, and Snobby: “bikesnobnyc said... 5:15 PM “ is that porn link guy.

bikesgonewild said...

..."your conscious said...

once again, stupid writing. consistently stupid.
September 10, 2008 4:36 PM"
...

...damn, i hope you mean moi...cuz if you mean bsnyc/rtms, well then i'd be insulted...

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

...anon 4:48 & 4:51pm...now remember...the principle of occam's razor states that the explanation of any phenomenon should make 'as few assumptions as possible'...or as we said in latin class, while regarding "the law of succinctness": "entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem"...

...& that could be a handy phrase if you ever achieve dimensional teleportation...but, i stray...

...the truth is, obviously even a blind pig finds a truffle on occasion, as witness yer own freudian, yet complementary to my own, slip...so let's credit a "higher presence" & a comedic one at that, for providing for us both...

...you said "im really thrown for a loop today, and have to get re-grounded in reality"...whoa, the snob blog is probably the best or the last place to look for reality...

...reality "here" is made up of odds n' ends & snippets from 'someones' truth but how often does it all fit w/ our own jigsawed "reality" ???...

...therein lies the question...& now it's time for a head cleansing bike ride...

Paul said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mander said...

Congratulations on being coopted by the man RT.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you didn't mention the Pie Plate in 'Emerald City'

mattchew said...

i didn't believe it; i thought it was some kind of extremely elaborate inside joke. but it's true. performance upped it's ironically cool factor by an order of magnitude with this one.

yankee_dollar said...

I'm content to take a scattante on my pieplate and share the cheesy aroma...

areUpake? said...

Snobby, I am astonished. I think you should go on their site and post some review's for these beauties calling out the plagiarism... or "Climbs like a monkey in crampons, descends like ... " comes to mind

g said...

While it ain't BSNYC/RTMS, thank you Anazed for acknowledging my post. Been here for less than a year and have to take what I can get.

libertyonbikes! said...

a pie plate? $30 more than the pista? for a house brand? on the same site you can get the schwinn madison for $100 less? and all are spec'd the same except paint & bars? i guess it's a measuring stick for the clueless. snob, you thought top tube pads and poor bike design haunted you? wait til you're surrounded by the 'empire',
suck...

Andy Pandy said...

I thought Burt of Gillette invented the razor. Mind you my legs will never see his blunted five bladed monstrosities. I will opt for Charles of Nads for my depilatory equipment

Anonymous said...

occum made those little boxing robots, not the razor, if my memory serves me correctly.

Garry Snook said...

BSNYC-

I drink your milkshake!

Gerchof Sirdribeldik said...

All references to sex acts on this site makes me want to John Smith myself. Would that make me winker?

george said...

Liberty City is in the city of Miami. The place looks like Beirut, the cops only go in three deep or more. I would love to see some college kid on joy ride in that lovely enclave. I think the Wu Tang song "Protect ya neck" was inspired by that shit hole!

tex said...

I think the least that PerNashGo could do is send you some of this vaporware to evaluate. Pre-production prototypes have long been a staple in such circumstances. Then when the spokes break or the bb makes a nasty grinding noise, they can say it's already being ironed out. Then when you are done with them, you could use them as prizes. Take the brakes off one, but leave the freewheel, and send it to ITOTM.

frilly said...

You are hardcore andy pandy, seriously. Nad's? That s**t hurts!

Anonymous said...

Just sayin' here....


Campy 11 speed licks t'aint but...

Campagnolo also ships far better bearings than Shimano, has better shifter ergonomics (pre 11 speed) than shitmano and frankly Chorus can depants Dura Ace any day... Shimano is the Wal Mart of Cycling.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Dear fake bikesobnyc:

1. It's obvious from your writing that you are not Bike Snob NYC.

2. It's obvious from your handle (all lower case letters) that you are not BikeSnobNYC.

Dear fake Garry Snooks --

1. You screwed up a funny concept. The idea of a fake Performance founder Garry Snooks comment linked to a fake Google profile page is funny, but you wasted the effort with a juvenile and unimaginative post that wouldn't get a chuckle from Beavis or Butt Head. Moreover, I don't think many folks are going to give up their e-mail addresses and passwords to join the fake Performance blog linked to your fake Snooks profile. Of course, I could be wrong on that.

2. You do realize that if asked, Google's legal department would disclose your identity in a heartbeat, right? That's only a problem if Garry Snooks doesn't have a sense of humor. You probably shouldn't push it.

Ironic, isn't it? Performance misappropriates BSNYC concepts, yet you have to be careful when misappropriating Performance's founder's identity in an online persona.

It's a strange world.

Philip Williamson said...

I'm impressed by the audacity of promoting a product by saying, "boy this fad has really gasped its last when we have an exact same price-point knock-off of it!"

Who doesn't need a bike that's pre-ironic-icized? It saves so much time!

Armstrong figures that with his magic dope in a field of clean athletes he can run another 10 TdFs.
Does anyone else need a shirt that says "The Only Thing YOU Know About Cycling is "LANCE IS CLEAN!"?

Anonymous 12:52 - the dt shifter for the single front ring... how's that working out for you?

And I though Cleveland was "City of Light, City of Magic." My friend at Nasshbar says "The Cleveland" fixter is covered in an oozy sort of flammable asphalt finish.

And a true story: I told the kid at work today that his new-to-him Schwinn Traveler would make a great fixed gear. He said, "what's that?" and when I told him he said, "that sounds really stupid."

Adrian said...

The only reason I don't like Scattante is that nasty font.

Anonymous said...

Just for the record, Tazo isn't a house brand of Starbucks. It's an independent company based in Portland.

mander said...

You know what, I agree that these bikes aren't half bad. They're a little overpriced but they look functional and aesthetically they are quite an improvement over their hideous predecessor, the City Langsters. If Performance is actually going to sell them, I predict that they will do OK.

Stuggy said...

Frilly, I just read your comment: "Snobby, you do your typing in your undies? I can respect that."

Something tells me that you reading the blog in your undies is a helluvalot more exciting than Snobby typing it in his undies...

Anonymous said...

Cleveland is not known as "the windy city". That honor belongs to CHICAGO. If you would have indeed googled it, you would have learned the truth.

Burrrrrrn.

Anonymous said...

Guys, the Cleveland thing was a joke. Don't you feel stupid now.

frilly said...

Thats very sweet Stuggy. However, if Snobby rides bikes like he says he does, I'd wager him in his undies would get my seal of approval.

Anonymous said...

wtf? now the copy for the liberty city and windy city bikes are switched... those track drops sure don't look like *cowhorns* to me

Anonymous said...

I have a Scattante "Americano" single speed road bike on backorder from performance. Looks like they were closing it out to make room for this new line of awesome bikes. I paid $300 and hope to recieve it someday.

"Americano" is also the name the coffee machine at work gives to it's expressos. Clearly playing to the blowhard nationalist screw Europe crowd. Of course it's also what Madison races are called in Europe.

Anonymous said...

Aside from being half the price of the new bikes, my someday to be recieved Americano also has proper conventional brake levers. I've never been riding along on my tops before wishing I could brake, and regular brake hoods are the best place to put ones hands, but hey those bar top brakes sure do look cool!

anon 2:11 said...

Yeah, all these guys who have been riding fixed for years are wrong and the guy who is new to his Schwinn has it right.

What a bunch of geniuses.

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob NYC could be the most brilliant marketing ploy of all time.

How possible is it that BS works for the industry? Or, indeed, owns one of these companies and promotes for others who do the same for his or support his in some fashion.

All the phony outrage at the industry just draws attention to it and gives you all this feeling of superiority.

Whatever he does it must not be too demanding. If I were to try and work my job and write a near daily blog I wouldn't have time for much else, let alone putting in any good miles.

-kw said...

Good Problem

Caaah said...

You are so post-modern now.

Critical Ass said...

Just a comment on Performance Bike's pricing - Remember that the bikes will go on sale as soon as they are released, probably for at least $100 off list. Then you get 10% off for being a Team Performance Member, and an additional 20% whe they spam you with an online coupon. I would expect to pay $350-$400 in reality (about $100 more than they are worth).

Anonymous said...

BSNYC - You're not supposed to wear underpants under your bibs or shorts.

Ka_Jun said...

A pic bounty for anyone who can score a pic of one of these things in the wild.

Steve said...

I can't believe that you left out the Scattante Lone Star bike where the copy mentions putting a pie plate on a fixed gear!!!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you didn't read the 37 other comments that already mentioned that.

Belanii said...

You write beautifully but I can't make it halfway through your blogs without being smothered/ repelled by your pathological cynicism. You meander between hilarious wittiness and dark, depraved rambling...I like it. Truly uplifting when I'm feeling irreparably jaded myself.

Anonymous said...

I would expect to pay $350-$400 in reality

Which isn't terrible for a practical and not hideous steel one-speed. I'm LOLing over the ad copy too, but HTH it's a good thing when cheap bikes are sensible instead of being utterly ridiculous. And let's face it, these are way, way cooler than the Langsters.

Anonymous said...

This thing is Scat-tarted!

Anonymous said...

the performance bikes dont look any different than the ones all the emo and art kids ride in my town. 399 for a bike is cheaper than building a "cool" bike out of parts from thrift stores and dumpster diving on ebay and craigslist. I bet the rich kids in art skool will buy these bikes just after they get a tattoo and and a pair of camel toe peg leg jeans. I think that y'all are jealous because your underground garbage bike trends are now mainstream....

Anonymous said...

looks like an se lager frame

Anonymous said...

Dang, you musta' taken a chunk outta' their ass with that swipe, 'cause the price dropped $200 from when you first posted the screen grab. That's 33%

Anonymous said...

". . .and possibly Mechanicville. . ."

I hear tell that Bubbles is the happenin' place for the Mechanicville fixie hipster scene.

avimvrk said...

i googled Windy City Single Speed Road Bike - Courier Series and your blog showed..
one of your beefs was that they are rippin & a raping (my words) at $599.
however they have this bike on sale today 6/17/09 for $299
in your opinion is there a better bike at this (or near to this price) over at specialized or other?
thank you
avimvk@gmail.com

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