The Future is Meh, the Apocalypse is Nigh: Tempting Fate

We are living in trying times. The economic crisis is forcing people to part with their Cervelos; our athletic heroes are letting us down; and, perhaps worst of all, cats are eating processed cheese slices. Really, it's enough to make you feel crappy and distressed. And fortunately, thanks to the dual miracles of Craigslist and the can-do entrepreneurial spirit that made America great (and then ran it into the ground), you can now get a crappy and distressed saddle to match your wilting spirit:

SADDLE (crappy & distressed) FREE installation - $9 (West Village)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2009-02-02, 11:25AM EST

If you've had an expensive $ 30, $ 40, $ 50 +++ saddle pilfered
and need a cheap & not so alluring replacement, I have a couple
of crappy saddles salvaged from old wrecks.

An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all --- or keep
it as a back-up --- hey ya never know !!!

For those too traumatized about their bad experience or paranoid
about losing another one, I'll take the trouble to chain it to the
frame --- for an extra $ 5. But the basic installation is FREE.
Most bike shops can chain it down for you --- usually the same
charge, 5 bucks.

BASIC SADDLE PRICE: $ 9 FIRM with free install

West Village location
Call JOE (212) 242-[deleted] 10 AM -- midnite
Kindly leave message if not home. Thanks.

"An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all." While there may be some riders with strange proclivities who feel otherwise, I think most of us will agree that truer words were never spoken. Consequently, it's comforting to know there's an individual who will not only soothe those "traumatized about their bad experience" (and really, what's more traumatizing than riding without a saddle?), but who is also available from 10:00am to midnight (!) to help ease your pain. In a time of great uncertainty, we can at least rest assured that there's a man named Joe in the West Village who is sitting by his phone every single day for fourteen hours straight just waiting for a call from some hapless saddle theft victim (or seatpost penetration victim).

Still, times are so bad that some people are seeking to soothe the pain of today with the balm of nostalgia. This cyclist, for example, is finding inspiration in the optimism of yesteryear:



"This is my first fixed gear bike, custom built by Vanguard Designs here in town. I told them I wanted a bike that was futuristic, but as if someone had designed it in 1983 thinking about the future."

Yes, while some people have more pedestrian requirements when they're purchasing a bicycle, such as "I need something I can ride to school," or, "I like red," this person's first priority was that his bicycle be ironically retro-futurist. Unfortunately for him, Vanguard Designs failed to pull it off. Rarely has a bicycle missed its mark as spectacularly as this.

First of all, nobody in 1983 could have imagined that the people of the future would ride bicycle saddles with taintal cutouts. Second of all, in order to think like a person would have in 1983, we have to understand 1983. This was a much simpler time, when many of the modern conveniences we take for granted today didn't even exist. The internet, grunge, synthetic underwear, hydrofoils, monotheism--none of these had been invented by 1983. And if you're wondering what cycling looked like in 1983, it looked like this:



I found this photograph using a popular search engine (the search engine was invented in 1992, shortly after the internal combustion engine), and as you can see it's actually sepia-toned, since color photography didn't exist yet either and people had to sepia-tone things to amuse themselves. However, Tony Randall did exist, and I'm reasonably certain that he's the person in the photo just ahead of Sideshow Bob:

But while 1983 was a prosaic, bland, sepia-toned time, the people of 1983 did have very vivid imaginations. As such, it's highly unlikely that someone in 1983 dreaming of a bike of the future would come up with something as dull as the Fixedgeargallery bike. I mean, moustache bars and time trial brake levers? They would have done much better than that. The movie "ET" had just been released the year before (Tony Randall's "Odd Couple" co-star Jack Klugman played the role of the alien to critical acclaim), and by 1983 it was widely considered a given that aliens would be living among us in the near future. So naturally, any future bike designed in 1983 would have included an alien basket:



Didn't Vanguard Designs do any research? Even Sideshow Bob's bike has an alien basket!

Moreover, while the people of 1983 didn't have grunge, or monotheism, or neckties, or hot and cold running water, or long division, they did have crabon fiber. After all, crabon fiber is a naturally-occuring substance, and by the 80s people were pulling tons of the stuff from the great crabon fiber mines of Dover, New Hampshire. Granted, it wasn't used widely like it is today, as you can see from this Race Face crabon fiber crank:



But certainly any futuristic space-aged concept bicycle would have somehow incorporated it. Forget lugged steel--a 1983 future bike would probably have looked more like this:



Furthermore, in 1983 the upright bicycle was widely regarded as being on the verge of obsolescence. Experts in the industry even went so far as to compare them to p-fars. Also, the barbers who diagnosed medical problems and performed bloodlettings believed that upright bicycles caused dropsy. So back then, the so-called "smart money" was on the recumbent, and if Vanguard Designs had really done their homework the Fixedgeargallery poster would be riding this:



Now that's a hell of a lot more ironically retro-futurist than a pair of blue hubs.

But there's one thing the simple folk of 1983 would never have imagined, and that is that one day derailleurs would fall out of favor and fixed-gears and singlespeeds would rule the Earth. Nonetheless, this has come to pass, and we now find ourselves trackstanding on the brink of the Fixed Gear Apocalypse. And horribly, a reader has informed me that in Swindon, England, there dwells a "Singlespeed Antichrist":

The foolhardiness with which this Alex Morton taunts the Alpaca is deplorable, and he's clearly cruising for a smiting. 96 speeds is four times as infuriating as a triple crank with an 8-speed cassette, and 4.363636363636363 times as infuriating as a double crank paired with a Campagnolo 11-speed cassette. (Even if he can rub the coveted 11-58 straight block.) Sure, he may be able to ride at speeds in excess of 53 miles per hour (though I'm guessing those are English miles per hour, which means he's only going like 20 American miles per hour), but it's still inexcusable. Even more horrifying, he doesn't even hold the gear record:

Immediately after reading about this, I realized I had to research Swindon, since it is evidently going to be the scene of the Fixed-Gear Armageddon. So I shut down my computer, headed to the library, went straight to a computer, and visited Wikipedia. There I learned that not only does "Swindon" mean "Pig Hill," but also that it is famous for its roundabouts and is also the home of the New Wave band XTC.

That last fact shook me to my core, for a closer inspection revealed that Alex Morton's 96-speed mostrosity is actually a Giant XTC:

And, as any astute theologian knows, arguably XTC's most popular song was the agnostic anthem "Dear God":

Clearly, evil forces are at work in Swindon, and it would seem that they have been working to cause anger on high and speed the End of Days since at least 1986.

I only hope someone--or some thing--can save us.

Honk If You're Hoary: Riding with the Geese

It may amaze you to learn that I have other interests outside of cycling. For example, I've always been fascinated by fossils, which is why I read the New Yorker. I also really enjoy intentionally irritating myself, which is why I read the New Yorker. So this morning, during the mandatory downtime we all engage in on a regular basis, I pulled the latest issue out from underneath a stack of secret website catalogs, opened it, and saw this:

The Mini Cooper is the Felt Curbside of automobiles in that it's a neutered version of something that was once authentic, it evokes racing for people who will never race, and it's "cute" in a completely derivative and studied way. As a cyclist, I find Minis particularly annoying, because the trendier neighborhoods of Brooklyn are filled with them, and they're generally driven by the sorts of people who text their friends to ask them what kind of wine they should pick up for the party as they roll through stopsigns into busy intersections. It's only fitting then that these rolling graduation presents would be sold as a way to " go green." The people "going green" these days are the same people who did graffiti or experimented with homosexuality at their liberal arts college--they enjoy flirting with a lifestyle they don't understand in an environment where it's looked upon favorably, but as soon as it becomes difficult, unsafe or embarrassing they conveniently abandon it. Fortunately for them, you don't have to give up your car to "go green." Instead, you just need to buy a new one with marginally better gas mileage. And fortunately, "going green" also allows you to measure just how pretentious you are by calculating your "carbon footprint." Or, in the case of the Mini, your "carfun footprint." Hey, if people want to "go green" by buying a car, or they want to go vegan by ordering a hamburger instead of a cheeseburger, who am I to complain? But I still think a much better ad would have been: "Mini: It's Fun-tarded."

Having already sufficiently irritated myself, I figured I'd check in on the local PistaDex, which was a stunning 700 with this lone entry:

NEW Bianchi Pista 55cm Chrome - $700 (BROOKLYN.NY)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-08-05, 10:41AM EDT

This is a new, size 55cm Pista in the Chrome! this is a stock model. Here is the link to Bianchi's site for all the spec info and geometry:http://www.bianchiusa.com/07_pista.....the bike is comeing from Orange, CA, United States.it's comeing in 5 weeks so feel free to e-mail me ok.thanks.

My irritation turned quickly to fear. A $700 chrome Pista, coming from California in five weeks? This smacked of the supernatural. I knew there had been an earthquake in California, and it was entirely possible that it had freed some demonic harbingers from the molten recesses beneath the Earth's crust. These harbingers could only be harbinging one thing: the Fixed Gear Apocalypse. Was this it? Was the end nigh? Like five weeks nigh? Was it also chrome-plated, 100% chick designed, made in Taiwan, and being sold for well over the full retail price?

Then I had a more horrific thought. Increasingly, I'd been having the feeling something strange is going on. For one thing, recently I made an attempt to get over my fear of Williamsburg by having a drink there with one of the few people who will spend any time with me. As we sat at an outdoor table, I noticed a young man emerge from one of those fancy new condos nearby with a pristine vintage Italian track bike, which he mounted and rode slowly away. I didn't think anything of it--until he passed again a few minutes later. And again. And again. Could it be? Was he simply riding the bike slowly around and around the block? I then noticed a rider on a lime green track bike with lime green rims was doing the same thing--prowling the streets slowly like an ironic dayglo shark in search of equally detached and disinterested bait. It passed by again. And again. And again.

Suddenly I felt as though I was in the "Truman Show," surrounded by extras who were pretending to go somewhere on their bicycles but in reality had no destination. Similarly, I've also been experiencing increased vehicular interference lately. Anybody who rides (or drives for that matter) in New York City knows that drivers love to pull out of parking spaces without warning and make u-turns in front of you--u-turns they are unable to complete due to the narrow streets. Consequently they simply sit there perpendicular to the curb, obstructing traffic in both directions. If you watched it from above, it would look like a marlin leaping from the water only to get his spear caught in a really low drop ceiling. At any rate, this has been happening to me way more than usual lately. Sometimes three or four times on a single block.

Could it be the Apocalypse has already happened? Could it be that some Ed Harris on high is directing all these cars to turn in front of me in an effort to prevent me from going somewhere? Could this same Ed Harris be directing artfully tattooed people on stylized bikes to ride slowly around Brooklyn in order to distract me from some greater truth? Should I probe deeper, or should I simply surrender--perhaps by "going green," purchasing a Mini Cooper, and consequently feeling much better about myself and all I've done for the world by burning vastly more gas than I would on a bike but marginally less than I would in a larger automobile? If I didn't, was I doomed to simply wander the Earth on a bike forever like some sort of Ancient Mariner?

All of this was running through my head this morning when I entered Prospect Park and encountered this scene:

Yes, it was a peloton of geese. Suddenly, a sense of calm overtook me. No Ed Harris could have directed this--I knew it was real. I also knew right away that in order to experience true peace and cosmic oneness I would have to ride among them. To be honest, I was a little intimidated at first--I felt like a Cat 4 riding with the Cat 1s for the first time. But I also had an ineffable feeling that everything would somehow be OK. This was partly due to the intensely spiritual nature of the experience, but mostly because I don't have a pie plate on my bike and I knew they wouldn't try to peck my eyes out.

I've done many group rides and races before. Never though have I experienced the sense of true belonging I felt riding among the geese. I felt like that kid in "Whale Rider," only with water fowl instead of whales. It was truly magical.

I then proceeded to drop their feathery, waddling asses like they were standing still--which, being geese and all, they essentially were.

After I finished gloating, though, I reflected on the experience. I had been made irritable by a car, and I had been made content by a gaggle of geese. And isn't that what "going green" is really all about?

Well, I don't know, but I do know that geese are truly inspiring creatures. Especially when they're nibbling at their undercarriages in front of iconic landmarks.

This Just In: Fixed-Gears Officially a Cliché

A number of people have alerted me to the abnormally high PistaDex in America's damp cycling capital, Portland, OR. This would seem to imply that the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is a long way off. However, there are other signs which contradict this. An attractive female reader who wished only to be identified as an "attractive female reader" informs me that she was curling up with a copy of Bust magazine when she came across this piece of fixed-gear erotica:





Graphic? Certainly. Titillating? I'm not sure what that means. Culturally significant? Most definitely. Surely the final step in something becoming a real cliché is when it's incorporated into pornography. It's sort of like how your country isn't officially blighted until celebrities start showing up and taking your children away. Now that bike messengers have joined the long line of cable installers, plumbers, and repairmen waiting in line to have consequence-free sex with America's erotic heroines, their mainstream appropriation is surely complete.

While I'm on the subject of sex, I'd also like to warn you about what appears to be a disturbing new trend in bike saddles. Following is a photo which reader Ed Buffington (which, truth be told, would be a good name for the male cyclist in the Bust story) took with his camera phone during a recent trip to New Haven, CT. The bike was apparently locked up outside of a bar near the Yale campus. The image isn't quite safe for work, and it's definitely in poor taste, so in the interest of propriety it will be preceeded by three warnings.

Warning 1:

Warning 2:


Warning 3:


OK, you asked for it:

Sorry for all those warnings, but you can see it's quite shocking. Not only does the bike have a pie plate and a reflector, but it also still has the sizing sticker on the seat tube. I really hate to see that on a bike, especially such a fine one as this Trek "Snap-On" edition mountain bike. Oh, right, the saddle. Yes, it appears to be some kind of dildo. Disturbing.

Alarming Frequency: One Gear, Too Many Choices

(Erik K)

While I’m certainly not alone in believing that a Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is pending, I can only speculate as to the form it will actually take. It’s natural to assume that when it arrives it will do so with lots of pyrotechnics, as a yawning chasm opens in the Earth into which the sinners will cast their cursed Pistas, their low-end steel smelted and re-fashioned by Hephaestus into whatever the next trendy bike will be. However, recent evidence suggests the onset of the Apocalypse may be more subtle. It may not be a great conflagration. It may instead take the form of the trend sort of doubling over on itself and imploding, like an alpaca chasing its tail (assuming they have them) or trying vainly to nibble off an irritating dingleberry.

There are two blips on my Apoca-dar that have been approaching each-other on a collision course for some time now. The first is this:

Nothing wrong with a cheap road-oriented fixed-gear, but when the secret website’s sister site is selling one (at a 40% discount plus an additional 15% until Saturday, which by my calculations means it costs $17.50) the assimilation is complete. But this is hardly noteworthy in and of itself. The assimilation has been complete for some time. I do, however, feel that it is noteworthy in conjunction with the other blip on my Apoca-dar:



Yep, Serotta, the favored marque of lawyers, accountants, and dentists everywhere, is now offering its own take on the road-going fixed-gear.

When a certain type of bicycle enters the zeitgeist, it’s normal for the avid cyclist to want to build one up for himself to see what all the fuss is about. Whether it’s fixed-gears, singlespeed mountain bikes, 29ers, or cyclocross bikes, if it’s in his face for long enough the handy cyclist with a full complement of tools and a brimming spare parts bin will inevitably hit the classifieds and cobble one together.

The Serotta Singolo, however is for the sort of rider who has the disposable income to add a sixth or seventh bicycle to his stable and who also gets itchy and uncomfortable when forced to ride “low-end” or mass-produced bikes. You probably know someone like this yourself. If you want to know how he feels astride lesser bicycles, imagine hating Billy Joel. (Which it’s not difficult to do.) Then imagine having to wear a Billy Joel t-shirt for a full day. You’d want to stop strangers on the street and explain that you actually hate him. You’d fold your arms in front of yourself as much as possible. And you’d probably try to wriggle out of it eventually. If you’ve ever tried to put an article of clothing on a cat, you’ve got some idea of what I’m talking about.

So when the low frequency of Performance meets the high frequency of Serotta, weird things are bound to start happening. Apocalyptic things. It’s kind of like that movie with Michael Keaton where he can talk to dead people through static. (Or at least like what I imagine it would have been like if I had actually seen the movie.)

Also noteworthy is the copy:

Horizontal (track) drop outs allow for perfect chain tension adjustment. No after-market "tensioners" needed. "Road" geometry (it's not just a track bike with brakes) offers handling familiarity and comfort.

Ooh, no pesky tensioners needed! That should save me ten bucks. And besides the fact that track ends aren’t drop-outs, I couldn’t help noting that Serotta are also boasting that it’s got road geometry and isn’t “just a track bike with brakes.” There are lots of other bikes that have actual horizontal dropouts and have road geometry too—they’re called old road frames. Why not get one of those? Their own forums are crawling with them. You might even be able to find an actual Serotta road frame. In fact, there’s one on eBay right now. It’s Scott Moninger’s old bike:

Granted, I can’t tell from the photos if the dropouts are horizontal, but the frame does advertise a cheap beer, and nothing’s hotter in the fixed-gear community than cheap beer. That alone makes it worth using an Eno hub if necessary.

And if all these frequencies aren’t deafening enough, Serotta’s “not just a track bike with brakes” is apparently an “imitator” according to Bianchi:

Imitators use modified road frames with road offset, so look and ride before you buy.

Yikes. So is this how the Apocalypse will come? Will bike companies simply bewilder us with choices, options and counter-claims until the whole thing collapses under its own weight? Will a trend that began under the guise of simplicity become impossibly complex? How many different types of fixed-gears will tomorrow’s customer need to consider before making a conclusion? Road fixed-gears. Track fixed-gears. Fixed-gear freestyle fixed-gears. High-end, low-end, mid-range. Will it chase it’s own tail into oblivion?

I don’t know. All I do know is that I just missed out on buying the World’s Most Pimpin’ Giant Bowery:

UP FOR AUCTION IS MY GIANT (BOWERY) FIXED GEAR BICYCLE. JUST HAD IT CUSTOM BUILT THREE WEEKS AGO . I,VE RIDEN IT ABOUT 20 MILES. IN SHORT IM SELLING MY BIKE TO PUT THE MONEY TOWARDS BUYING A CAR. IF YOU LIKE FIXED GEARS I GARRRENTEEE YOUR SATICE- FACTION . ITS A NICE SOLID RIDE, AND I HATE TO SEE IT GO BUT I,VE HAD AN OPPERTUNITY TO MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS. THE BIKE COMES COMPLETE WITH EVERYTHING DESRIBED BELOW:

FRAME: '08' GIANT BOWERY (ALUMINUM) 350.00
HUBS: PHILWOODS (FRONT AND REAR) 500.00
WHEELS: VELOCITY DEEP-V'S (FRONT -GUN MEATAL GRAY, RADIAL LACED/ REAR-ROYAL BLUE 4-CROSS) 150.00
CRANK SET: FSA 100.00
CHAIN: 20.00
HEAD SET: STOCK WITH FRAME
CHAIN RING: ROCKET 48 TEETH 35.00
COG: FIXED GEAR 16 TEETH
1RST SET PEDDLES: EGG BEATERS 145.00
2ND SET PEDDLES: TOSI DOUBLE STRAPS WITH DIMENSION PEEDLES: 80.00
STEM: ORIGIN8 45.00
HANDLE BARS : ELEVEN 81 40.00
SATTLE : STOCK BOWERY SEAT
CHAIN TENTIONERS: ROCKET 25.00
PIN STRIPPING: CUSTOM 70.00
KRYPTONITE LOCK : 100.00
TOTALING A LITTLE OVER 1,500 BUCKS.
I RESEARVE THE RIGHT TO END THIS AUCTION EARLY DO TO ITEM BEING SOLD LOCALLY. SHIPPING WILL BE UNDER 100.00 BEPENDING WHERE IT WILL BE SHIPPED.
ANY QWESTIONS CALL : RAY AT [deleted] / RON AT [deleted]

I will be kicking myself all weekend.

Worst of Craigslist: Hot, Vernal, Allergy-Inducing Bike Love

Stopping in at the Fixedgeargallery recently, I saw something which chilled me quicker and more deeply than a Sub-Zero wine cooler chills some whiny Upper East Sider's Chardonnay:

According to the photographer, "Spring is trying to get unsprung so I took a ride up the trail today only to spot two cool fixies locked up on the Loughborough Mill sign . The Red one is a De Bernardi Track Bike with Deep V rims and rise bars, the black a Spicer with an aero wheel and flat bars. On the other side of the bench is my Raleigh fixie, which took me 26 miles r/t on the trail today instead of doing a conference call . What could the hipsters who own these be doing in the woods on a Tuesday afternoon?"

Yes, what could they be doing indeed? There are a number of possibilities, and each is more disturbing than the next. Here are just a few of the most obvious scenarios:

--They're taking a fixed-gear spirit journey in which they light a fire, speak incantations, and try to divine what the next pant style will be from the way the smoke whisps curl. (My money is on surgical scrubs fastened at the waist by a length of garden hose.);

--They're filming an independent movie called "The Blair Fixed Project" that will be the toast of YouTube;

--They're mating and will eventually reproduce;

--They're abandoning their fixed-gear lifestyle wholesale and embarking directly on the newest trend, organic farming. (Representative quote from the article: "Having a cool cheese in your fridge has taken the place of knowing what the cool band is, or even of playing in that band," she said. "Our rock stars are ricotta makers." Obviously this article annoyed me tremendously, though I confess I would kind of like to see someone smash or melt a giant cheese onstage.);

--They want to become fixed-gear mountain bikers so they're doing recon on foot. (Why must some people apply fixed-gears to every style of riding, regardless of how ill-suited it is? People have to try everything with a fixed-gear the same way teenagers have to try everything stoned. "Dude, but have you ever clipped your toenails high?!?")

--They're part of some kind of "Young Goodman Brown"-esque cabal that meets in the woods with designs to hasten the coming of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse and the Apocalyptic Alpaca.

(image by erik k)

Well, whichever way you slice it, it's olive loaf, and it's disgusting. Figuring that Spring is at least partially to blame for this behavior, I nipped over to the Craigslist Missed Connections to see what kind of bike-related depravity the seasonal change was wreaking. I wasn't disappointed. Sickened, yes, but not disappointed:

Bike Shop, Lafayette Street - m4w - 39 (SoHo) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/609301809.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-17, 3:40PM EDT

I walked in last Friday March 14th at 10.10 am in the morning, You with track bike, talking to the store person about leaving for San Francisco. Bike chain on waist (I think) - you did not hang long, looked a little rushed, brown hair wavy, medium build, I'm guessing 5'7" tall. I'm guessing arts-related lifestyle. We briefly locked eyes and I thought what a cool energy you have. I had an old school Trek road Bike. When you return from San Francisco I would love to get to know you.


Firstly, the only thing worse than referring to your old crappy bike as "vintage" is referring to it as "old school." The phrase "old school" needs to finally be consigned to the slang incinerator, where it should be placed atop the ashes of "bling" and immolated immediately. It's getting to the point where people are going to start re-using condoms and saying, "Hey, baby, check out my old school rubber!" And that's not going to be good for anybody.

Secondly, it's "10:10 am," or "10:10 in the morning," not "10:10 am in the morning!" It's also not an ATM machine, nor is it 54° degrees. I really can't stress this enough without meeting you in person and strangling you until your face is blue in color.

Finally, your shrewd appraisal of her and your conclusion that she leads an "arts-related lifestyle" does not bode well for your compatibility. Should you finally meet, I don't think she'll respond well to questions like, "Do you like rock music?," I doubt she'll like that you call a person who works in retail a "store person," and I don't think she'll think the fact that you collect comic books qualifies you as artsy. I'm also guessing she was in a hurry because she sensed you were itching to use that "old school" condom.


Brown Acura MDX on I-95 "Swim Run Bike" - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/mis/611833997.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 6:32PM EDT

Were you driving the above today on I-95? Drop me a line if so ... please.


This is interesting. At first it seems like a romantic entreaty, but on second read it could just as easily be something else altogether. Since the driver is a triathlete, if she drives like she rides it's possible she ran over this guy's dog or something and he's trying to track her down. The ellipses before "please" also imply desperation or resignation. It could be a sensual sigh...or a despondent one. (Perhaps resident ellipses enthusiast Bikesgonewild can provide us with some insight here.)

Triathletes with cars love to advertise their perverse inclinations on their vehicles, and the "Swim Run Bike" sticker is one of the more popular ways they do it. I suspect I must have some form of dyslexia though, because all I see is "Dork Dork Dork." Generally though it's unnecessary for them to display their proclivities in bumper sticker form since it's pretty obvious when a vehicle belongs to a triathlete. It's usually some kind of "sporty" dork-tastic SUV, and it's usually got either a trunk rack or one of those roof racks that clamp the bike on the downtube because they don't know how to take their front wheels off. Or if they're hardcore they're driving an Isuzu IronMan, the car that looks like it might burrow itself somewhere in your unmentionables:

In any case, I'd advise this guy to avoid her at all costs. Let's be honest--triathletes are creepy. There's just something wishy-washy about the way they flirt awkwardly with three disciplines. They're like David Bowie's sexuality, or like people who grew up in multiple countries and who can speak three languages, yet they speak each one poorly and with an untraceable accent. "Swim Bike Run?" "Avoid Avoid Avoid."

HOT Bearded Boy on Bicycle - w4m – 25 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/611902659.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 7:33PM EDT

I see you all the time zooming around billyburg on your vintage bike. My bike was stolen by some native polish or puerto rican person. god i cant these losers that know nothing about the arts and on top of that they steal!! anyway youre hot and id love to stop and chat if i see you again. my name is Raine and im from Portland. been in brooklyn for 1 year. hope i see you again soon!!

Raine

I don't condone trolling, but I enjoy reading a good one now and again. I particularly like "Raine" because if she were real she could very well be the person the bike shop guy wanted to use his "old school" condom on. It also looks as though at least one hopeful soul was taken in by her:

re: HOT bearded boy on a bicycle - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/611958984.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 8:29PM EDT

"My bike was stolen by some native polish or puerto rican person. god i cant these losers that know nothing about the arts and on top of that they steal!! "

Jeezz girl, I'm sorry but you sound real f- dumb... no thank you, but I am not interested in stopping for a chat about "the arts" with someone who has her head up her ass. Please do us all a favor and go back to Portland. leave Brooklyn for the more intelligence inclined folk. ciao.

Ah yes, "leave Brooklyn for the more intelligence inclined folk" indeed.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #52-#56: Alpaca Lips Now!

(Alpaca Lips)

As usual, I spent this past weekend in my metaphorical crow's nest, scanning the horizon for the arrival of The End. And sure enough, a mast appeared. I removed my Cone of Smugness and peered into my Spyglass of Vigilance, only to see a ship so laden with Apocaliciousness that most of its hull was below the surface of the water.

Yes, that's right: Monster Track 2008 has been cancelled. If you don't know what Monster Track is, it's apparently the Lollapalooza of alleycats. The organizers have issued the following press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The organizers of Monster Track 2008 have decided, after careful consideration, to cancel this year’s main race. This decision did not come easy and was debated at length. Our reasons are many but the overall factor was that the race has become unmanageable due to the large participation and our concern for the participant’s safety.

As many of you know, Monster Track started as a race held for a small, close group of NYC bike messengers. It has now become an overwhelmingly all-inclusive event. This, on its face, may seem like a positive direction for a race but in the context of a solely track bike alleycat it brings many problems. First and foremost, the safety of the racers is compromised. We believe that this is not a tenable position for race organizers.

Although the main race is canceled, please join us for Gold Sprints on Friday evening, Fixed Gear Competition (track stands, skids, footdown, freestyle, sprints, etc.) on Saturday and the Velo City Tour, at Kissena Velodrome on Sunday.

This cancellation was almost certainly motivated at least in part by the recent alleycat death in Chicago. Indeed, alleycat racing is surely the slam-dancing of the bike world, and it is now well into the "moshing" phase, thanks to the overwhelming all-inclusiveness referred to above combined with the unprecedented popularity of riding brakeless track bikes on the street. Right now, if alleycat racing were a concert, it would be Woodstock '99 and Limp Bizkit would have just taken the stage.

If you still have any doubt, just read this article in yesterday's New York Times. If you're unfamiliar with the Times, it's sort of an obituary for subcultures, in that once yours appears there then it's already dead. And apparently, nobody alerted the reporter to the fact that Monster Track had already been cancelled before the article ran. But alleycat organizer Mike Dee did thave this to say:

Originally only bike messengers and their girlfriends came. Now it’s regular people on their bikes saying: “I want to do that, too. That looks fun.” It’s a cultural phenomenon for young post-college kids getting these yuppie jobs that don’t pay them any money, figuring they’re going to be paying off student loans the rest of their natural lives, or who can’t get a job anywhere but a coffee shop with their art degrees. They’re like, “I’ll just get this track bike and stick a U-lock in my back pocket and ride around.”

Surely, now that these trendy scavenger hunts have left the CBGBs and 9:30 Clubs of the cycling world, are being embraced by frat boys, and are becoming unmanageable mob rides in the same way that moshing became a form of date rape with live musical accompaniment, then we must be able smell the fetid breath of the Alpaca, right?

Well, let's see what's happening on Craigslist:


BIANCHI PISTA TRACK BIKE - $650 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/587443460.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-02-26, 12:10PM EST

semi custom bianchi pista chrome track bike.

Nitto vintage stem and vintage threaded fork in chrome.

MKS peddles with leather toe straps in chrome.

Brooks Black leather saddle.

Wheelset : Alex Crostini, Formula High Flange hub. S

ame rims that come off the Fuji track Pro.

Great bike for the summer month.If the bike sells for the listed price, I will throw in a kryptonic NYC lock and chain. $125.oo value.

Well, as far as I know, there's more than one month of summer, and I thought Kryptonics made skateboard wheels, but the fact that he's asking the absurd price of $650 is a good sign. Right?

Bianchi Pista 2001 - 53cm - $600 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/586783849.html]
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-02-25, 8:04PM EST


Bianchi Pista 2001 size 53cm. use this bike for the past few years and its still in great condition. it has some paint chips but still looks fine. there are 3 minor scratches on the top tube as seen in picture below. doesn't effect the bike what so ever. most part are original except stem and handlebar. asking for 600 or best offer.

If interested please email me at [deleted]

And here's a seven year-old Pista for $600. Together this brace of Pista posts puts the NYC PistaDex at a stratospheric $625. Surely we're not facing the End of Days yet.

Or are we? Aren't all busts preceded by a boom? Perhaps we need to look beyond the PistaDex:

trade : chrome metro bag for kremlin [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/593285572.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-02, 4:00PM EST


anybody want to trade my all black chrome metropolis bag in good condition for their kremlin .

mines 2000cu in pretty freakin big

yours 3000cu. in.even freakin bigger

my bag is in great shape , i havent used it in a long time , great size for all your smelly shits.

I need something to cart packages to the post office , my bag is too small for the volume i deal with blah blah blah

Blah, blah, blah. I'm not sure what kind of bulk mailing operation this guy is running, but based on his reference to carrying "smelly shits" it seems that he's mailing large quantities of either marijuana or feces. Frankly I think he'd be better off with one of those folding carts people take to the supermarket, and I think we'd be better off without people like him. So if the Apocalypse is indeed coming, let's hope it dispatches with him faster than a messenger unloads his last package on Friday evening.

MINT - ITALIAN TRACK BIKE 52 CM BRAND-SPANKIN-NEW - $750 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/593249564.html]
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-03-02, 3:26PM EST


Rode 2 laps around the park. Geometry not working for me.

$1750 for the whole thing... Paid 2000 + sales tax yesterday… OR $750 for the Cinelli Vigorelli frame which includes the fork & headset ($1090 MSRP-http://www.cinelli-usa.com/) and I'll leave on the bottom bracket - an additional $35 value. Velocity Aero Black Rims, Omas Hubs, Cinelli Post, Italia Gel Seat… Direct Contact: [deleted]

Geometry not working for you on your rides around the park, eh? Maybe you shouldn't have bought a freaking track bike then! It's not supposed to work for that kind of riding, idiot. Hopefully at least you're coming to grips with the fact that you should have bought the hybrid the guy at the shop told you would be appropriate for the type of riding you do. Surely right now the Apocalyptic Alpaca is breathing fire from his nostrils, as no deity could possibly resist the urge to smite someone like this.

Land Shark Track Frame and fork with campy headset, 54 - $650 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/593157515.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-02, 1:49PM EST


Yo! So I built this bike, but got a Croll track bike built up for racing and don't want this one anymore. I want a Land Shark road bike. So anyways, here is the bike specs from what i measured, got the frame from the original owner, but they didn't know the exact specs, you get the top tube pad too:

all measurements (c-c):

top tube - 54
seat tube - 53, it is more like a 52 (too short for me)
fillet brazed lugs

Cool, so basically I payed 700+shipping for the frame and fork, which was too much to pay, so I am trying to sell it for 600, but i put a new old stock headset on there so that is why it is 650. The bike is short, too short for me in fact.

e-mail me your number and I'll call you back today. It's nice out, so a great chance to come take a look.

Ok, that is it, nothing else is for sale, please don't ask, but if you buy the frame, you can talk to me about buying the other stuff...if you buy the frame.

It's really an amazing bike. Ok bye! Oh, one last thing. Please don't waste my time. If you are coming to look at it, I would expect you have got the cash and know what you are looking at and just want to confirm the quality of the frame. I'll deliver the bike to you for free.


Yo, the only thing uglier than a Land Shark is a Land Shark with a top tube pad on it. And surely there's no human alive who could possibly look at that bicycle without protective eyewear. Cool, so that means if someone actually does show up it could only be the Apocalyptic Alpaca, who will undoubtedly burn both you and your bicycle to embers with his Flamethrowing Snout of Death. In a fight between a Land Shark and an Apocalyptic Alpaca, I'll take the latter every time.

PINARELLO VINTAGE ROAD BIKE italian fixie fixed campy campagnolo rare - $1100 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/591908990.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-01, 5:09AM EST


Vintage Pinarello road bike. The frame is a top tube 54, from center to center, and a seat tube 54, from center to center. Bike is Columbus steel, and has campy dropouts. The cranks are Omega standard double, and in great vintage shape. Suntour front dérailleur, an old school sew up rear wheel, and a mavic front wheel. The bike is set up for drop tube shifters, although you can modify it to index if you prefer. Rear cassette is six speed. Serial number is R-371, which means this bike was low production.

While this bike is in functioning condition and has great ride quality, it needs a drive train with better parts, as well as new wheels to be in top/restored condition.

The frame is the beauty of this setup. It is rare and hard to find, and structurally, it is perfect. It has some scratches, and NO dings.

If you are looking for a vintage bike, or a project, this bike is as special as anything you are probably going to find. Made in Italy, and looks vintage.

PAYMENT: I will take $1100 or my highest offer. I live in California, and this bike is listed in both Los Angeles area, as well as Sacramento. I will package it for free, and ship it for $50, which is very reasonable. If you would like to pay Paypal for security reasons, I will accept, given you pay the 3% fee. I will take a personal check, but you must wait for checks to clear in my account before I ship. In a world of bullsh*t scammers, I can assure you I am honest, and lets talk on the phone and exchange addresses to prove it.

I do have a total of 12 pics available. Email if you want more.

If you are interested, email me and leave a name and phone number.


Do things in New York City look so bad to the rest of the world that they're attempting to sell us their overpriced vintage castaways from the outside? Apparently the answer is yes. Please keep your "italian fixie fixed campy campagnolo rare" bike and your "Omega" cranks and your "drop tube shifters" and your accute accent over the "e" in "derailleur" and let us at least meet our end with dignity. And don't worry, your own will come soon enough. So keep that Pinarello, you might need it.

Apoca-Watch Update: Archival Horsemen Footage Uncovered

In reading the comments on Friday's post, I was dismayed to find that a number of readers took the long weekend as an opportunity to engage in acrimonious discourse once again. However, as cycling teeters on the precipice of doom like a pro cyclist's haematocrit hovers around 50%, this kind of discord is hardly surprising. In the absence of some kind of cycling messiah, and in the face of increasingly disturbing signs, it's tragically inevitable that we should turn against one-another. Just consider the latest horrors with which we've been confronted:

The Return of Cipo

I can't have been the only person who found this sight from last Sunday horrifying. Cipollini's career was laid to rest years ago, and when Michael Ball exhumed it all he should have been able to retrieve from the grave were Mario's bridgework and a pair of silicone calf implants. Instead, Cipollini (or an entity looking remarkably like him) rolled off the start ramp and charged down the Tour of California prologue course, his protruding uni-tooth calling to mind a boxer's mouth guard or a humpback whale's baleen filtering plankton from the sea. Ominous also was the ectoplasmic lime green skinsuit. As the rim color of choice for fixed-gear freestylers everywhere, lime green is surely the hue of the damned.

Ghost Bikes Coming to Life

When I first saw this bicycle on fixedgeargallery, I puzzled over the motivation behind it. I thought perhaps the owner hoped people would see it locked up outside the bar and ask, "Hey, who died?" But then I noticed the absence of a chain, and I realized that it's in fact some kind of hateful specter. I'm sure as we come closer to the end we'll see ghost bikes all over the world unfetter themselves from street signs and roam the earth.

If they're not all stolen first, that is. (Thanks Jessica for the link.)


Apocalyptic Horsemen Working On Their Choreography

But compared to what I'm about to show you, the aforementioned signs are less threatening than Levi Leipheimer on a French mountain pass. In the spirit of eternal vigilance, I found myself watching Bike TV this past weekend. If you're unfamiliar with Bike TV, think of it this way: if Versus is the Trek Madone of cycling television, Bike TV is the early 90s Univega hybrid with the cracked and yellowed pie plate and the "One Less Car" stickers all over it.

Sandwiched between one segment about the NYC Century Bike Tour (which is apparently the world's largest gathering of heavyset bearded men) and another about bike lanes and traffic calming devices in Berkeley (in which the host repeats the phrase "speed humps" with alarming frequency) was this shocking video.

I knew right away when I saw this that I was watching an ungodly dance troupe of doom. I have no doubt that when the Apocalypse comes these bell-ringing hybrid-riding harbingers will be the first thing we see. Most alarming of all though is that this video is from 2005. That means they've had like three years to perfect these moves. Surely when they arrive we'll be powerless against them.

Apocalyptic Raids: The Fixed-Gear Hellhammer Loometh

In the last few days I've received a number of alarming emails. And while each one was disturbing in its own way, when considered in their totality the gestalt was downright chilling. In fact, I have to confess that earlier this morning I was dangerously close to announcing that The End was finally upon us. Fortunately, though, I've determined it's not. But I am upping the alert level from 85 to 90 gear-inches, so you can continue to seek refuge in your cognitive dissonance, at least for now.

I know that some of you are tired of living in fear and you'd rather read about something else. Fortunately, the internet is a vast litterbox of soiled sand in which you can bury your head, full of product reviews, ride reports, training tips, and perverse bicycle pornography. But I'd rather be hated for speaking the truth than live with the guilt I'd feel if I simply contributed to the lies. Others of you think you're safe. Like the mountain bikers. But don't delude yourselves, because you will not be spared. You sit around, arguing about frivolous things like wheel size. But no size can save you! Your diminutive 26-inch wheels will get hopelessly stuck in the ruts of the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and your bloated 29-inch wheels will accelerate too slowly to allow you to escape the flames. Even the 650B-ers are doomed, as they shall be punished for their waffly, bet-hedging ways, and the air will be ripe with the stench of burning leg hair, CamelBak, and tire slime.

I realize this all may sound a bit overzealous, but you'd be agitated too if one of the first things you heard this morning was this. I'd heard this before, but a reader was unkind enough to email it to me again. It appears to be a fixed-gear appropriation of the Chamillionaire song "Ridin' Dirty." (I'm not sure what a Chamillionaire is, but I'm guessing it's someone who's much richer than a regular millionaire.)

Bad? Yes. Apocalyptically bad? Also yes. Set your house on fire, grab a firearm, and run naked into the street bad? Not by itself. But then there's this, which has been making the rounds lately.

Here, the song and the tedious footage combine to form a world-class tour de dorkitude. If the Nada Surf video and the Robin Thicke video were first cousins this would be their mentally-challenged offspring. Watching someone riding around in overcast weather is marginally less interesting than watching someone tape a pair of handlebars, and if I wanted to watch someone delivering packages slowly I'd just follow a postal worker around. Worst of all, if you can bear to wait for the parts where he actually gets off the bike and goes into his bag, it's clear that the video has been speeded up. It looks like old Babe Ruth footage. So he hasn't just been riding slowly; he's actually been riding very slowly.

And if you're looking for the missing ingredient to crystallize this miserable melange of rap and riding, here it is, via BSNYC gadfly, fixed-gear freestylist, and street culture enthusiast Prolly:

By now I was ready to follow my three-step Fixed-Gear Apocalypse Survival Plan, which is as follows:

1) Dismantle any and all fixed-gear bicycles right down to the spoke nipples and hub bearing and bury all components as far apart from each-other as possible. (This decreases the likelihood that your fixed-gear bicycle will be resurrected after the Apocalypse and seek revenge.)

2) Assemble as many cogs as possible and use them as ninja throwing stars. (This may be the only way to defend yourself against the roving bandana-wearing, snug-trousered zombie hordes.)

3) Paint yourself white to deflect the Apocalyptic blast. (Like Neil in "The Young Ones.")

But first, I decided to check the NYC PistaDex. And to my horror, it was at 370, thanks mostly to this one:

2003 Bianchi Pista fixed gear - 56cm frame - $300 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/bik/552166773.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-26, 9:07AM EST

Selling my 2003 Bianchi Pista fixie. I've used this bike for both training and commuting and loved riding it. I'm working on a new fixed-gear project so this one has to go.

All the components are stock except for the tires. I've put about 3000mi on the bike and have taken very good care of it. It also has Shimano 600 brake levers and Shimano 105 front calipers. I will sell with or without pedals (I have both a clip and clipless set I'd include if you want). Gearing is 48T front (on a Truvativ crank) and 16T fixed/17T freewheel on the rear flip-flop hub.

Let me know if you have any questions. I'm only looking for a good home for this bike.

The only thing that allowed me to keep my cool here was the fact that this bike is in Fairfield, Connecticut and is clearly owned by someone who is not using it for fixed-gear freestyling purposes. Surely some trendy young urban citydweller will Mapquest Fairfield, convince a friend to drive him up there in a hand-me-down Volvo with Vermont plates, and bring it back to Brooklyn. He'll then try to sell it shortly thereafter for something with more street cred, and the PistaDex will correct itself.

No sooner had I recovered from the shock of seeing the NYC PistaDex, though, than I read an email from a reader warning me that the Austin PistaDex had plummeted as well. Things haven't been going too well in Austin recently, and when I investigated I found that the PistaDex was languishing at 362.5.

My hands shaking, I collected what was left of my wits and checked in with the other major markets:

Los Angeles: 450

Whew! I was particularly encouraged by this one:

2007 Bianchi Pista 53cm - $400 [original URL: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/bik/550937082.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-25, 2:18AM PST

I have a 2007 Chrome Bianchi Pista with a couple nice upgrades for sale. This bike is in great condition with low mileage. Can work with trades, but really i'm only looking to upgrade to an aluminum framed bike such as a Fuji Track Pro, Bianchi Pista Concept, or Felt TK2. Thanks for looking!

EDIT 1/25: This bike no longer comes with a wheelset, sorry! Reduced the price

Here are the specs:

-Headset: Cane Creek VP1

-Handlebar: Bontrager Select Drops (wrapped in celeste bartape)

-Stem: Bontrager Select 110mm Stem

-Crankset: Truvativ Touro 48T

-Chain: KMC

-Pedals: Wellgo Track Pedals w/ toe clips

-Saddle: Fizik Arione Wing Flex Limited Celeste ($100 for saddle alone!), Selle Marcos Pirelli Saddle looks and feels like a Turbo saddle,

Keywords: track, fixed, fixie, bianchi, pista, singlespeed,

$400 for a used Pista with no wheels is indeed a good sign. Surely this must have something to do with the newsworthy fact that the infamous Wolfpack just did a (cough) century. (That's a lot of cigarette breaks!)

San Francisco: 534

Here's a representative ad:

Bianchi Pista 2006-size 49 - $600 (san jose downtown) [original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/bik/553547458.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-27, 1:46PM PST

Bianchi pista in color gang green, the size is a 49 , im 5'2 so if your a small person too thant its a perfect fit the bike is in great condition except for 2 minor scraches but other than that great. I really hate to see this bike go but i dont have time to ride anymore and i need the money. so i will be accepting e-mails please include your name and phone number so that i can get back to you at my earliest convinience. Thank you.

Used Pista. $600. Bay Area spared.

Pacific Northwest: 540

There was one Pista for sale in Seattle for $500, and nothing available in Portland. In a tight Pista market where none are for sale just substitute the MSRP. Averaging Seattle and Portland then gives us the Pacific Northwest PistaDex. (Yes, I've heard there are other cities in the Pacific Northwest besides those, but I refuse to acknowledge any of them until I see actual proof that they exist.)

Chicago: Indeterminately Juicy

What does that mean? Well, take a look at the only Pista currently for sale in Chicago:

Tricked Out Track Bike Fixie do it do it [original URL: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/bik/550358303.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-24, 3:35PM CST

Size 57 bianchi pista. Custom paint is pearl blood red. Wheels are velocity. Riser is only modification. Everything is pretty much stock. Very small scratch on chainstay. Can't even really be seen. Option of 2 saddles. Also have soma double strap pedals for extra cash. Selling because I have a lot of bikes, and this one serves no purpose to me. Shipping is determined by bike shop so let me know where you live and I will ball park it. Less than 100 miles on bike total.

NO LOW BALL OFFERS!

http://velospace.org/node/4222

So, overall, after looking at a cross-section of the United States, I'm not sounding the alarm yet. In fact, I think we've been spared by some kind of divine intervention. Why? Because the auction for the Tallest Bike in Los Angeles was cancelled:

After a few readers emailed me about this I was watching the auction carefully, as I knew the eventual winner would probably be a demon, horseman, or at least a harbinger of some kind. But someone--or some thing--has stopped it. And we probably owe that entity our lives.

This Just In: Apoca-Watch Update

(London calling.)

This very morning, not even an hour ago, I spotted a Specialized London city edition Langster in front of the Apple store in SoHo.

I'm not sure what to make of this confluence of contemporary trends. Seeing a city edition Langster in front of the Apple store is almost like seeing Kenny Rogers eating in a Kenny Rogers Roasters. Does this mean that all is right with the world and the Apocalypse is too busy bar spinning on high to worry about us, or could this be the steed of one of the snug-trousered horsemen who's just stepped inside to purchase an iPhone with which to summon his Apocalyptic riding buddies?

Only time will tell. But one thing is for sure: the rider is confident enough not to have secured either one of his wheels from theft, and the fact that they're still there implies some sort of divine intervention.

Apoca-Watch Update: Retirees on Tall Bikes

With the Pistadex in New York City at a relatively robust 430 (not counting this frame-only offering), it is easy to grow complacent. Lest we forget, however, that just last month Kanye West purchased a Cinelli Vigorelli. So it is vital to remember that the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse looms like a celestial trackstander, its handlebars growing ever twitchier as one of its slip-on Vans prepares to come down from on high and smite us all. And if mere words are not sufficient to strike fear into your hearts, perhaps this photo, sent to me by an alert reader, will force you to sit up and take notice:

Yes, that is indeed two-time Dauphine Libere winner Lance Armstrong enjoying a beverage from a styrofoam cup along with three tall bike enthusiasts. (And yes, that tall bike does indeed have a pie plate on it.)

If you're unfamiliar with tall bikes, they are essentially two really crappy frames welded together to create one extremely crappy bike, and they satisfy the age-old human compulsion to sit up high and look ridiculous. Tall bike enthusiasts are generally the sorts of people who developed a distain for authority relatively late in life, and so they engage in adolescent hijinx into adulthood instead of stopping after middle school like the rest of us. They also refuse to get jobs and they tell their parents to "shut up" well into their 30s. As such, they are fiercely protective of their image and integrity, and tall bikes are one of the few types of bikes not to have been "legitimized" by the bicycle industry in that no company offers a pre-built tall bike. (This probably has less to do with the fact that the bikes are stupid than it does with the fact that The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company just hasn't come up with a cheap enough way to ship the giant boxes yet.) In any case, for better or for worse they are a symbol of underground, alternative bike culture.

Or at least they were until Lance Armstrong, secreting an Olson twin in each pant leg, showed up on the scene. According to the tall bike owner's blog, "WE WERE AT SOME ART SHOW IN AUSTIN AND RAN INTO LANCE ARMSTRONG. WE ASKED HIM IF WOULD TAKE A PICTURE WITH US AND WHEN HE SAW THE TALL BIKE HE WANTED TO RIDE IT!! HAHAA FUKKKIN CRAZZYY!!!" Crazzyy indeed. Surely there is no more mainstream symbol of cycling than Lance Armstrong, and surely his chocolate winding up in the peanut butter of the tall bike scene, however fleetingly, is a giant, throbbing Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of doom. It's not just crazzyy--it's apocalyptic.

Here's Lance about to mount the bike:

Now, I wasn't there, but if I had been I might have tried to tackle Armstrong at this point. Perhaps by preventing him from actually riding the bike I might have been able to stop the prophecy from coming to pass. But alas, I wasn't, and he did:

Note the reflective heels of his Nikes glowing like demon eyes as he propels the hideous contraption forward and the rest of us towards our fate.

Incidentally, the Pistadex in Austin is currently at 400. While this is hardly apocalyptic in itself, thanks to Armstrong's tall bike-riding antics Austin will now not only be famous for being the home of Richard Linklater and Matthew McConaughey's naked bongo freakout--it will also be famous for its role in the Apocalypse.

Meanwhile, there were small signs in New York this morning too. On the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw a cyclocross bike with bullhorns. Then, in front of the Apple store in SoHo, where bike company marketing execs are rumored to scout out the bike rack for inspiration, the usual array of tendy bikes was absent, with just a couple of forlorn 10 speeds in their stead:

And further across town, a brace of fixed-gear freestyles huddled together, as if in anticipation of their own doom: