Spoils of Victory: Jousting with Legitimacy

While I'm not ready to make a formal announcement, I may have a winner for The Great Meh BSNYC Free Scat Contest!, and should be able to confirm this in the next day or so. Obviously, when you're giving away a prize as substantial as a Scattante, you can't just hand it over--you have to draft a lengthy press release, subject the bicycle to rigorous fatigue testing, and file reams of paperwork with the IRS. In the meantime though, as an amateur contest "curator," I've taken an increased interest in how the "pros" do it, so I was interested to learn that Ridley is giving away a bike to the person who comes up with the best way of colors:

As you may know, I dabble in bicycle design, so naturally I shifted into the big ring and sprinted over to the Ridley Colour-O-Matic 2000(TM) to create my dream crabon fribé (pronounced "CRAY-bon free-BAY") technicolor crotch chariot. I chose a Noah something-or-other, which defaulted to a lovely lavender design evocative of a tube of Propolis & Myrrh Tom's of Maine toothpaste:


My first instinct was to smear the thing with color like toddler with a full suite of fingerpaints and a case of ADD, but then I realized that in doing so I'd be competing with thousands of other people doing the same thing. See, watching the professional peloton may be like looking at a sponge painting while on peyote, but this is because professional riders are promoting companies, and while the riders compete with each other the companies are competing for your attention. However, amateur road bicycle enthusiasts forget that professionals look this way because they have to, not because they want to, and among the non-recessed cleat set garishness has become the norm. So, cunningly, I decided that I would set myself apart with a simple design consisting mostly of a single tone. If Coldplay could find success by being monotonous, why couldn't I? Here's what I came up with:

I was quite proud of myself, and my new bicyle almost looked like something I wouldn't be embarrassed to ride. However, while you'd think that no color combination could be more straightforward than uniform black, the Colour-O-Matic 2000(TM) instead warned me that "This colour combination can cause technical problems," and then froze up completely like a malfunctioning STI lever. Consequently, it was back to the drawing board for me, and interestingly the Ridley site had absolutely no problem processing this ghastly metallic-green-to-blue fade:

I guess subtlety and road cycling go together like Shimano freehubs and Campagnolo cassettes.

Speaking of things that lack subtlety, cyclists don't get more outrageous than tall bikers, or freak bikers, or "outlaw bicycle gangs," or whatever you call people who ride two children's bikes welded together while wearing soiled denim vests. These are the people behind "Bike Kill," a proud tribe who once spraypainted "Bike Culture Not For Sale" on a Brooklyn clothing store and who are not afraid to sport facial tattoos while using up their "anytime minutes." As I mentioned awhile back, despite their ostensible aversion to "selling out," one tall bike enthusiast was developing a tall bike jousting game for the iPhone (cost: $2.99), and as of last week it's officially available for download. Here's a gripping behind-the-scenes video of the making of the game:



This is the biggest thing to hit freak bikedom since Amazing Larry appeared in that Jared Leto video:

I've never been tempted to weld my Scattante to my Ironic Orange Julius Bike, and I'm certainly not pining for some lost era of freak bike integrity, but I must say there is something sad about seeing these people appear in celebutarded videos and exchange their denim vests for motion sensor suits so readily. As any time trialist or cyclocross racer will tell you, once you've donned a full body suit you've officially crossed the rubicon of bike dorkitude. Furthermore, a "subculture" loses all "street cred" the moment it is distilled into an "app." You can exist in the margins of society, or you can exist on the iPhone, but you simply cannot exist in both places at the same time. In the "street cred" hierarchy, the whole tall bike thing has fallen beneath bike polo and fixed-gear freestyling and currently hovers somewhere between tweed rides and 24-hour mountain bike racing. Now that tall bike jousting has become the stagediving of the cycling world, I would advise all freak bikers dedicated to the "outlaw" lifestyle to abandon tall bikes and instead take their shoddy fabrication skills and poor hygiene off the streets and into the water where "society" will have a harder time of stealing it. A subculture based entirely on battling each other in small water crafts would be much more difficult to render in "app" form. Of course, the true measure of an outlaw is remaining committed to your lifestyle even when it ceases to be obscure, but you have to admit, "Canoe Kill" sounds even more outrageous than "Bike Kill."

Meanwhile, as tall bike jousting becomes increasingly legitimate, the winners will certainly start demanding lavish prizes. One possibility is a trophy made from a Trek Madone, which one reader informs me you can now purchase on eBay:

I look forward to an age when the top professional tall bike jousters conduct lengthy interviews in trophy rooms full of plaques like this. Also, for the person who is as enthusiastic about home improvement as he or she is about cycling, the Madone headtube plaque makes a great grout float. Laterally stiff yet vertically compliant, it provides precise handling that transmits grout to the space between the tiles where you need it most. Here's another one that actually comes with the fork:

Just think of the possibilities:

I'm not sure where the seller is getting all these Madones. I'm guessing either they're raiding the Dumpsters over at The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company, or simply dentists' "gap bikes" which they sell for pennies on the dollar as soon as their new Serottas come in.

Sometimes, though, a head tube glued to a piece of wood simply isn't enough, and you want an entire bike. That's when you turn to Craigslist. Here's an "extreamly light" that will "turn haeds as you breeze past the peleton:"


MASI Team Issue 3V Record 10 - $1500 (Greenport)
Date: 2010-01-30, 11:56AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Masi Team 3V made with Reynolds 731 tubing with a Reynolds Carbon Fiber Fork 60 cm c/t.. 2005 Campagnolo Record 10 Shifters, Record Rear Derailleur, Record Front Derailleur, Record Wheelset with Record Cassette 13x26, Record Crankset 175mm, Record Brakeset, Chrous Headset and bottom bracket. Deda Handle Bars 44 and Deda Stem 120mm. Thompson seat post and Selle Flite Saddle. Very Low Mileage and extreamly light make this the bike to turn haeds as you breeze past the peleton 631 477 [deleted]

This bike is so vintage that the seller has lapsed into Middle English.

Riding High: Putting the "App" in "Appropriation"

(Paired spoke technology is the new pie plate.)

Recently, I received an email from a concerned reader informing me that the New York City Department of Transportation is planning to remove a whopping ("whopping" is an Old English world meaning "fourteen") fourteen (sorry for the redundancy) blocks of sweet, delicious bike lane from our streets. Furthermore, much of this bike laneage lies along Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. If you're unfamiliar with Williamsburg, it is the throbbing, cigarette-smoking, flannel-clad heart of the Great Hipster Silk Route, and Bedford Avenue is its aorta, or at least its superior vena cava, or whichever one is more likely to be lined with places to drink alcoholic beverages and buy overpriced furniture.

While I suppose I should be indignant, the truth is I feel conflicted. On one hand, as a cyclist I hate to see any bike lanes disappear. Even if they mostly just serve as places for delivery people and police to double-park, their presence is still reassuring, and losing one feels a bit like defeat. On the other hand, a big city like New York is constantly evolving, so it's reasonable to expect that the DOT is going to need to shuffle these things around from time to time. In this sense, losing a bike lane is like breaking a hundred dollar bill; you hate to do it, and you keep it in your wallet as long as possible, but sometimes you've just got to spend it, and in the end you at least get a bunch of smaller bills. Most importantly, the absence of a bike lane from Bedford Avenue doesn't mean you can't still ride your bike there, and as long as fixed-gears are in fashion there will be a steady procession of them on Bedford regardless of whether or not there's a picture of a bicycle painted on it.

I suppose I'd be more concerned if I hadn't recently encountered a new bike lane that nearly knocked me off my saddle. It just so happens that yesterday I found myself traveling the Great Hipster Silk Route when I came to a portion which is usually very treacherous. (If you're sojourned in Brooklyn for any length of time, you may know it as the section bookended by the entrance to the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway and that spot in which a flock of Hasidim seem to wait eternally for the bus.) On many occasions I have wished fervently for a bi-directional, protected bike lane here. (Also, on one occasion I wished fervently for a shower when I slipped on and crashed in a patch of garbage water along this corridor.) Well, you can imagine my delight when I passed the flock of Hasidim, rounded the corner, and slotted right into my own little sheltered thoroughfare:

I'm not often moved by municipal matters, but I have to admit this new bike lane touched me in a way that only small animals, certain pieces of music, and, once, a rental tuxedo fitter who insisted it was an accident, have ever touched me before. It was like returning to your hotel room to find that they've not only made it up but also left your favorite meal on a tray and your favorite movie playing on the TV. (In my case those are Reese's Peanut Butter Cup omelettes and "Another Stakeout," respectively.) Even though it was December 1st, for one brief moment it felt like the first day of spring, and the city seemed like it was practically flowering with convenience.

If you're growing concerned at this point, rest assured that my bout of sentimentality was short-lived, and within moments my delight evaporated and I found myself suddenly and inexplicably enraged over the popularity of Stanley Tucci. (My waking hours consist mostly of stream-of-consciousness irritability.) Still, I think it's only natural to be affected emotionally by change. For example, I remember a time when "Bike Culture" was "Not 4 Sale," and using tall bikes in a store window display meant it would be vandalized:

(Photo by the inestimable "Sucka Pants")

Now, "bike culture" in the form of freak bikes is very much for sale. A number of readers inform me you will soon be able to download it onto your iPhone in the form of this tall bike jousting "app:"

The truth is that everything winds up for sale eventually--it's a law of physics. Also, as I've said before, "culture" now simply means "stuff you can buy," so it makes sense that "the international underground subculture of freak bicycle clubs" is becoming a video game. (Actually, I'm not sure if you'll actually have to pay for the "app," but even if it's free it exists to promote something salable.) None of this bothers me, and people should feel free to design whatever freak bike "apps" they want, but I do have a feeling that this guy would demand an explanation. Here's what Ryan Doyle, the creator of the "app," had to say to an "urban bike culture" blog:

Honestly I do not consider myself any sort of missionary of bike culture, nor do I try to lance my opinions or politics in anyone’s face. My goal is to create and cause communication, not whore out bicycle culture or sell tall bike jousting to the masses as a means of self gratification. I think riding a tall bike everyday in New York City has a greater cultural impact as it has a human to human interaction implied. I really love the responses that come from Bike Kill participants, or from Cutthroats’ Slaughterama, or Cyclecide’s Bike Rodeos, to me those are the inspirational events. I hope the bike building section and constant maintenance in the app inspire people to think about reusing materials and not contribute to our vast culture of waste. I am not looking forward to corporations eating up fringe bike culture and providing cheaply made foreign tall bikes at Walmart.

Doyle is correct to not consider himself a "missionary of bike culture"--that position belongs to David Byrne, and he promotes cycling not with tall bikes and outlandishness but by mixing it into a lukewarm, bland-tasting broth. At the same time, I also agree riding a tall bike in New York City has great cultural impact, and I think it's wonderful that having the courage to ride a bicycle that is a bit higher than normal is sufficient to qualify you as an instrument of change. Think of all the bloodshed that might have been averted if only, centuries ago, people had seized upon sitting up high as a mechanism for social transformation. Consider our own American Revolution. Instead of taking up arms, Washington and his men could simply have ridden around on horses that were standing on top of other horses. Surely the British would have relented before a single shot was fired.

What remains to be seen is if this "app" spells the end of the freak bike subculture, or if it does indeed inspire an entire generation to "not contribute to our vast culture of waste" by welding together pieces of that waste and having huge drunken parties. (While this particular subculture is apparently very conservation-minded, it's perfectly fine to waste tremendous amounts of time, the one resource which is definitely not renewable.) And even if the latter scenario does come to pass and the movement grows, it could all come crashing down when the new recruits literally come crashing down from atop their tall bikes and break their costly iPhones. This is already happening in the world of fixed-gears, as you can see from this Craigslist ad which was forwarded to me by a reader:


I fell off my Fixie and now i want to sell it... - $250 (Newport)
Date: 2009-11-30, 10:41AM PST
Reply to: sale-pejey-1488336907@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I bought a fixie about 6 months ago. I paid $440.00

I fell off it it last week and nearly killed my self.

I am done with my fixie. :)

It's in good condition because I barley rode it.

According to the guy who I bought it from, the frame is vintage and rare. I don't really know.

Here are the specs...

Wheels
Weinmann DP 18
700C X 18C/23C ETRTO 622 X 13
Aluminum Alloy 6061-T6 Double Wall Safety Line

Tires
Racelite B 700 X 25C Dual Compound
BountRager
25-622
Some kind of serial code... (C-1389A-2)

Seat
Black Leather San Marco
Rolls

Crankset
Takagi Tourney

Seat Tube Length = 52 cm
Top Tube Length - 53 cm
Forks = 100 mm

I seriously bought it for $440, and just want to get rid of it. I hope $250 is reasonable. If not, make me an offer...

You can bid by email, or by the little google docs spreadsheet I made.

In addition to the overabundance of information regarding the rims and tires (the latter of which are made by "Bount Rager," which I believe was also the name of an old Australian "Lone Ranger" knockoff TV series), I'm also really "feeling" the spreadsheetway here:

Meanwhile, in Portland, a number of readers inform me that another fixed-gear rider is on the verge of defecting due to a lack of "valve covers:"

Need fixed gear valve covers (NoPo)
Date: 2009-12-01, 12:18PM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

I bought a fixed gear and i keep having to fill up the tires. It did not come with covers for the air valves so I need some because this is getting aggravating. I'd prefer some NJS covers but will consider anything good. Thanks

Between all the falling and air loss it seems that "alternative" cycling may be in serious trouble, and a total subcultural migration to the iPhone may be its only hope.

Apoca-Watch Update: Retirees on Tall Bikes

With the Pistadex in New York City at a relatively robust 430 (not counting this frame-only offering), it is easy to grow complacent. Lest we forget, however, that just last month Kanye West purchased a Cinelli Vigorelli. So it is vital to remember that the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse looms like a celestial trackstander, its handlebars growing ever twitchier as one of its slip-on Vans prepares to come down from on high and smite us all. And if mere words are not sufficient to strike fear into your hearts, perhaps this photo, sent to me by an alert reader, will force you to sit up and take notice:

Yes, that is indeed two-time Dauphine Libere winner Lance Armstrong enjoying a beverage from a styrofoam cup along with three tall bike enthusiasts. (And yes, that tall bike does indeed have a pie plate on it.)

If you're unfamiliar with tall bikes, they are essentially two really crappy frames welded together to create one extremely crappy bike, and they satisfy the age-old human compulsion to sit up high and look ridiculous. Tall bike enthusiasts are generally the sorts of people who developed a distain for authority relatively late in life, and so they engage in adolescent hijinx into adulthood instead of stopping after middle school like the rest of us. They also refuse to get jobs and they tell their parents to "shut up" well into their 30s. As such, they are fiercely protective of their image and integrity, and tall bikes are one of the few types of bikes not to have been "legitimized" by the bicycle industry in that no company offers a pre-built tall bike. (This probably has less to do with the fact that the bikes are stupid than it does with the fact that The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company just hasn't come up with a cheap enough way to ship the giant boxes yet.) In any case, for better or for worse they are a symbol of underground, alternative bike culture.

Or at least they were until Lance Armstrong, secreting an Olson twin in each pant leg, showed up on the scene. According to the tall bike owner's blog, "WE WERE AT SOME ART SHOW IN AUSTIN AND RAN INTO LANCE ARMSTRONG. WE ASKED HIM IF WOULD TAKE A PICTURE WITH US AND WHEN HE SAW THE TALL BIKE HE WANTED TO RIDE IT!! HAHAA FUKKKIN CRAZZYY!!!" Crazzyy indeed. Surely there is no more mainstream symbol of cycling than Lance Armstrong, and surely his chocolate winding up in the peanut butter of the tall bike scene, however fleetingly, is a giant, throbbing Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of doom. It's not just crazzyy--it's apocalyptic.

Here's Lance about to mount the bike:

Now, I wasn't there, but if I had been I might have tried to tackle Armstrong at this point. Perhaps by preventing him from actually riding the bike I might have been able to stop the prophecy from coming to pass. But alas, I wasn't, and he did:

Note the reflective heels of his Nikes glowing like demon eyes as he propels the hideous contraption forward and the rest of us towards our fate.

Incidentally, the Pistadex in Austin is currently at 400. While this is hardly apocalyptic in itself, thanks to Armstrong's tall bike-riding antics Austin will now not only be famous for being the home of Richard Linklater and Matthew McConaughey's naked bongo freakout--it will also be famous for its role in the Apocalypse.

Meanwhile, there were small signs in New York this morning too. On the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw a cyclocross bike with bullhorns. Then, in front of the Apple store in SoHo, where bike company marketing execs are rumored to scout out the bike rack for inspiration, the usual array of tendy bikes was absent, with just a couple of forlorn 10 speeds in their stead:

And further across town, a brace of fixed-gear freestyles huddled together, as if in anticipation of their own doom: