Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Riding Hard: Living With Bike Porn

After two days of spiritually-themed posts my soul is empty and my mind is now focused on more worldly matters—specifically, bike porn. Between photos of new crap from Eurobike and the usual cavalcade of bikes gone bad that is Fixedgeargallery and Velospace, the cycling world is full of more filth than a Congressman’s internet cache. And as a reader pointed out to me recently, people are now combining bike porn with actual porn, as you can see in this not-safe-for-work (and depending on your proclivities and intestinal fortitude, possibly not-safe-for-lunch) link.

So it would seem, like it or not, that as cyclists we must come to terms with bike porn. And I think the best way to do that is to embrace it. Not by looking at it necessarily, but by coming up with bike porn names for ourselves.

What is a bike porn name? Well, you’re probably familiar with the old formula for coming up with your porn actor name: the name of your first pet + the street you grew up on. Well, a bike porn name is the moniker you'd adopt were you to enter the sordid world of bicycle pornography. I’ve been working on various formulas for coming up with your bike porn name. These formulas are far from airtight, and they are discipline-specific, but hey, it’s a start. Feel free to make suggestions:

Bike Porn Name for Mountain Bikers

Try using the manufacturer of your first real mountain bike + the name of your local trail. Using some of the New York area trails and some hypothetical first bikes, this has the potential to yield great handles such as:

The decidedly masculine Titus Hartshorne (Hartshorne Woods, NJ)
The unisexual and bizarre ProFlex Saxon (Saxon Woods, Westchester)
and the brilliantly televisual Ritchey Cunningham (Cunningham, Queens)

Bike Porn Name for Roadies

The best method I’ve come up with is using the manufacturer of your current road bike + the name of either your local monster climb, destination, or group ride. So around these parts that yields aliases like:

The suggestive and tactile Felt Harriman (Harriman State Park)
The taxonomically suggestive Giant Bear (Bear Mountain—in Harriman State Park)
And the just plain suggestive Burley Rocket (The Rocket Ride)


Bike Porn Name for Trackies/Fixed Gear Riders

For the trackies, I think we’ve got to go with using your bike’s manufacturer + the name of your local velodrome. If we hopskotch around the US a little bit, possible monikers include:

The not-so-subtle Giant Dick Lane (Dick Lane Velodrome in East Point, GA)
The strangely ambiguous Surly Piccolo (Brian Piccolo Park in Cooper City, FL)
and the perplexing, Pennsylvania-specific, yet undeniably catchy Havnoonian Lehigh (Lehigh Valley Velodrome in Trexlertown, PA)

For the trendier urban riders who may eschew the velodrome, consider using your tattoo design + the manufacturer of your rear hub. Due to the lack of variety in both among this particular set of cyclists it might prove too constraining, but it does yield a few keepers:

Star Formula
Star Wood
Star Promax
Star Ace

...and so forth.

Of course, if that doesn’t work for you, there’s also the possibility of using your saddle manufaturer + your Deep-V color:

Regal Black
Koobi Pink
and of course the great Brooks Lavender

Bike Porn Names for Cyclocrossers

It gets tough with cyclocross, but so far I like the formula of using your brand of canti + the aspect of the discipline that gives you the most trouble. It’s far from failsafe, but it also yields some sultry sobriquets, like:

Avid Remounts
Empella Runups
Paul Pitting
and Spooky Stuttersteps

Again, these are just jumping-off points, and these formulas certainly won’t work for everybody. So if you want a good bike porn name (and who doesn’t) you’ll have to be creative. Thanks for reading, and please accept my apologies.

125 comments:

Anonymous said...

1st!

quaffimodo said...

Vulture Springville. I like it.

Sean Lynch said...

Panasonic Humboldt...

Strange for a guy who lives a few blocks away from Ignaz Schwinn's old mansion. (the Humboldt Park velodrome may be gone, but the next closest is Ed Rudolph)

Anonymous said...

Merckx Mohonk - awesome!
Casati Gunks - even better!!

Avid Offcamberuturn said...

I like it....

bikesgonewild said...

...formula ???...what formula ???...we don't need no stinkin' formula !!!...
signed --Rock Hardcrank

Vulture Springville said...

Quick question: Is it necessary to grow a 'stache to validate the new name?

Anonymous said...

Yeti Howelson...

I like it, i think chicks'll dig it

Dan said...

bareknuckle marymoor. I'm into S&M

gewilli said...

MT:
Raleigh Haines

Road:
Klein Tower Hill

Cross:
Shimano Barrier

Leroy said...

B-b-but, I don't wanna be Specialized Prospect.

Dan said...

and for my hot gay porn name for mountain biking, i guess the make works better.

"stump jumper skookum"

although "specialized skookum" sounds sufficiently gross

Niki said...

Road name:
Torelli Alpine (Alpine rd. on River rd.)

Track name:
Raleigh Kissena

Trendy fixed-gear name (and the best one):
Mandelbrot Formula

BikeSnobNYC said...

Wow, some of these are really funny. Amazing.

--BSNYC

(aka Tektro Lappedandpulled, formerly Avid Findingthevenue)

Dan said...

lightspeed longbranch

holy sh*t thats hot.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure you could be arrested for using the name Huffy Sidewalk.

AH said...

MTB:
Rock Hopper Overlook

Road (I'm so goddamned hot right now!!!):
Giant Hinkle

Track:
Spicer Major (or Spicer Taylor)

Anonymous said...

Velocity Grey

or

Razor Back Woodland

Anonymous said...

Road
Giant Taco Run
Fixed
Brooks Grey (More of soap name)

bikesgonewild said...

...i had a hot female co-star...chicks name was Bianchi Repack...whoa...she went down fast...
signed -- Rock Hardcrank

Hozan Nipples said...

Mechanics are stars too!

dan said...

Road: Bianchi Custis
Cross: Canecreek Mud
Mtb: Airborne Fountainhead

Anonymous said...

you are an asshole

BikeSnobNYC said...

Wait...

20+ comments and no "XT Holeshot" yet?!?

--BSNYC

bikesgonewild said...

...wait...anon 2:47 pm is...Youra Nasshole...that is bad...not even bike related, far as i know...

Anonymous said...

i like mine:

I.F. Gimbels

Orbea River said...

Road Name: Orbea River, nope doesn't work that well...

Track Name: Fuji Kissena, kinda evocative, but not quite doing it for me.

Fixie Name: Nipple Wood (no tattoos just a nipple piercing, so this kind falls apart)

Scott said...

MTB: Mongoose Perimeter
Road: Cilo Wilson

While the road name could pass as the hairy pseudo-Italian plumber in a cheap porno, I'm not really sure what the MTB name means at all. Sounds kinda scary.

hozan nipples said...

from the UK:

seatpin middleburn

brompton mudguards

and of course

bob jackson

Anonymous said...

Mountain:
Bridgestone Crescent

Road:
Javelin Logie

Track/Fixie:
Marnati Alpenrose
or
Autumn Wood
or
Fizik Blue

Cross:
Avid Beer-handups

BikeSnobNYC said...

Orbea and Scott,

Feel free to mix-and-match if you're multi-disciplinary. Orbea Wood and Mongoose Wilson are both names to be proud of.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Reminton Steal, fixed-gear thief

Raleigh Rudolph said...

Hello boys!

Anonymous said...

smoothie big nasty (yep, real climb in la salles)

voodoo flying dog

il pompino (stands alone--needs no tattoo or discipline--both cross and hipster fixie) mix and match could yield big nasty il pompino (too bad there's no climb called blumpkiss here)

i'm a utahrd, no velodrome.

Phil said...

Roadie:
Lemond Widow-maker

I'm so depressed now...

Robosauce said...

MTB: Cannondale Hefner (sounds very Edwardian, no?)

Road: Giant Redbud (ick. Just ick.)

Urban POS: Atom Campagnolo (think terribly done Italian porn spoof of Buck Rogers)

Ace "Da Hon" Gelflow said...

... sounds more like a pro wrestler than a pron star, and the small package isn't scoring me any gigs.

Pete said...

Oh dear lord, that makes my Roadie name "If Cherry Pie".

jeremy said...

Because I feel like the phonetic pronouciation of my bike (Hujsak) is unfairly awesome, I have chosen "General Turbo", taking certain liberties with the aforementioned "mix-n-match."

Also... everyone should have a hardcore and a softcore version, so I came up with the significantly less spicy "Ross Piccolo."

Be sure to check me out on Cinemax after 11PM.

Jim said...

MT: Kona Rosaryville
(Kinky... Hawaiian nun porn.)

Road: No epic climbs near me, so I'll adopt a local powerclimb Tilthammer Mill Road, for: Giant Tilthammer. Giant Hilltops would be a good girl's name...

Cross - Euro-X Bra King - a mogul mixing Russ Meyer's and P-Diddy's characteristics... the Larry Flynt of urban contemporary bike porn. Um, careful if you google Euro-X, kids.

j said...

Pinarello Hains, at your service.

Anonymous said...

Bianchi Buttermilk... hmm that might get me parts I'm not ready for.

Anonymous said...

Cross: Kool Stop Holeshot

I am beaming.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm,

Mountain:
Giant Rattlesnake.

Not bad. But "Giant" is practically cheating.

'cross:
Tektro Remount

That's kinda kinky. Techno-porn. Hm.

Road:
Jamis Crown Point


Crown Point sure has potential. If only I rode a Co-Motion...

Kevin said...

mtb
Raleigh Scapoose -- does it with class

or

Kona Hood (eewwwww)

Cross
Cane Remount

Road
Bianchi Thompson

Anonymous said...

I'll have to use an unapproved formula to come up with an appropriately unapproved name: current bike + saddle which yields the wonderful

COLNAGO SAN MARCO

(This wouldn't actually suck if the name Mario Cippolini wasn't already taken!)

Anonymous said...

Road: Fuji Rabbit

Mountains of asian reproduction go'n on here

be said...

MTB is best.

Ibis Repack.

I think I found the name of my next dog.

Anonymous said...

Ridley Fortune!

Anonymous said...

The scene opens at a quiet country lane with a provocatively dressed Miss Bianchi Celeste suggestively repairing a puncture. Suddenly REYNOLDS RICHMOND(no-name 531 frame + Richmond Park, London) pulls over and whips out his wrench.

ON-ONE AMBROSIO is making a name for himself in the niche world of trendy fixed gear porn

Vanilla Gorge said...

Mountain: Gary Sincline

Road: Vanilla Gorge
Hipster: Heart King

I feel so inspired...

Anonymous said...

Okay - using your patented formula.

Mountain bike: Miyata Allamuchy

Road bike: Ibis Hurricane Ridge

Cross Bike: Ibis Cross Poseur

Pascii said...

Concorde Multiple Orgasm!

Anonymous said...

mountain: Norco Fromme isn't too sexy :/
road: Trek Cypress? sigh
urban fixed.... Hebrew Formula. This is going nowhere. Planet Bike Pink isn't much better.

argh! my regular porno name is Cleopatra SW 34th Street Road! All my porn names suck!

Jason said...

Mountain bike : Brodie Barely Legal

BMX name is favorite BMX component + name of old school flatland trick : S+M Cherrypicker

The Great White Hype said...

MTB:
Avanti Manly Dam
Avanti stripped in the garage
well those just plain suck)

Road:
Giant North Head (now thats more like it!)

Although with a Giant its practically cheating anyway.

GWH

Panasonic Northbrook said...

though it's a conversion and I'm not a velo guy. I guess Ravx Red might work for some kind of Baltic superhero cockmaster.

Anyhow, BSNYC has been a consistently enjoyable read even if I fit some of the stereotypes you often call out and demean. I like fruity rims and I don't tape my bars but I'll let the kids have their top tube pads and spoke cards.

-fixeryuppie

Josh said...

I'm really wishing I had this information when I was picking out my bikes.


Road:
Klein Tower Run (meh)

MTB:
Univega Billy Goat (That's just weird)

Fixed:
Oasis Silver (Sounds kinda Tranny)

Anonymous said...

Wow.
I don't think I could make mountain bike porn with this name but here goes.
Felt Itchy Scratchy
And apparently my road porn career would be solo.
Felt Baldy
What a sad, sad day.

Anonymous said...

Road:
'Dale Redhouse. Makes me think of retro porn for some reason.

Anonymous said...

Mountain: G. T. Gypsy

(G.T. = Giant Tool)

Anonymous said...

Atlantis Ramsey? I sound rich!

bother yam said...

Following anon 6:08's bike+saddle rule gives the following cross-channel star:

Bleriot Brooks

Nice ring in a 70s, feathered hair, mustachey sorta way...

Anonymous said...

Say hello to Rolls Chrome. What a great porn name. Much better result then using the old method which resulted in my porn name being Booger Scotland. Yes I named my first pet Booger.

TGB said...

GT El Prieto...hmmm.

Anonymous said...

Road:
Orbea Blue Mounds (feeling kinda uncomfortable with that)

Fixie:
Iro Kenosha (has kind of an Asian porn sound to it)

Anonymous said...

Track:
Centurion Hellyer
but more appropriately
Carrot Surly (surly carrot?)

Road:
Basso Ironhorse! or Basso Diablo

dave said...

mtb: stump jumper smedley. meh.
road: 'dale gladwynne. meh.
track: hoeven trexlertown. i could probably work with that.
hipster: either nipples ace (no ink just piercings) or fizik black. i kind of like fizik black.
'cross: avid runups. meh.

your bike porn methods are no good to me. so i submit my own, based on my favorite whiskey and my favorite tire: knob hardcase.

Terry Suzue said...

well, using these formulas doesn't give me anything that is even worth typing. However, my girlfriend could be Titus McDowell, which I kind of turns me on...

Terry Suzue said...

oops, there should be no "I" in front of "kind of turns me on"

Anonymous said...

road
omega mount

fixi
triscillion velocity

mtb
malvern goat farm

not bad for a girl :)

David said...

This would either make me "Masi Alpenrose", or "Bicycle Wood"...

I'll go with Masi.

Anonymous said...

MTB
-Rocket Heartattack (aiight)

Road
-Allegre Switchback (better)

Trendy/Fixie
-Delta Paul or Brooks Black (soaps not porn)

Orig. Hardcore
-Wolf Cabrillo (if it aint broke...))

Anonymous said...

For female co-stars, your three-speed terror porn star name is your frame colour of choice and the model (not marque) name of a women's three speeder: From the UK Pashley cycles gives you

"Purple Tube Rider"

"Peach Double Scoop"

"Pink Paramount"

"Red Hot Sets"

and

"Black Princess Sovereign".

Wow, there's even a "Brown Patrol"

http://www.pashley.co.uk/lists/all.html

PS For info, In the UK your porn star name comes from the name of your first pet and your mother's maiden name. Regards, "Tommy Fairhurst"

Anonymous said...

None On One

I'll have to get a "3" tattoo.

Anonymous said...

Ciocc Borland

gewilli said...

my real cross name:
XT Packfodder

hamad said...

what if you ride all disciplines?

vicious casey (rode)
trek vultures knob
avid dismount

Ronald said...

You can have fun too by anglicising euro roadies names-eg:Guido Bontempi becomes Johnny Goodtimes-can't think of anything more porn than that one.On another tangent-it's been hard to resist changing my name to Yorrick Hunt- so when the cops pull you over and they ask your name.....probably a very bad idea...doubt they'd let you do it anyway -may get away with it if you put an initial in between?

Anonymous said...

Let's see, first mtb + local trail would make my bike porn name,
"Teton Shooters".

Anonymous said...

MTB name - Kona Craigmead
Road - Vitus Shooters
Fix - Claude Herne

My girlfriend goes by Pashley Pentonville...

Anonymous said...

Yeti Wood

obie said...

Nothing interesting for myself, but I'm glad that I'm married to

..Mr. Giant Brassknocker :)

Alexi said...

Road:
Indy Big Blue
Urban Fixed:
Swallow Wood
Cross:
Veloce Remount

my urban name is best

Jason said...

Howzabout a formula for utility cyclists? Maybe the bike brand + the name of your favorite Indian buffet dish.

UTILITY: Giant Chicken Makhani

MTB: Giant Canalway (oy!)
ROAD: Motobecane Bopple
PORN: Quincy Knapp

obie again said...

Naw, I think Utility (or Commuter) should be:

Favorite dorky commuting bike bit + crappiest street in your neighborhood

So, I could be Fender Commonwealth

or Generator Concord....

Cleo Sara said...

Road: Calfee Evans
Mtn: "Stump" Hewlett
Cx: Weinemann "Goathead" Thorns (andthelongruntothepitswithanother flat)
Probably either the original, or the road...

Anonymous said...

Mtn:
Inbred Middlesex

bikesgonewild said...

...wow, 89 & still counting, bikesnob, seems like everybody wants ta be a bikepornstar...

SKiDmark said...

At least you don't have to live in the same city as Reverend Phil.

Anonymous said...

as telling as a fingerprint..

deRosa Mercer (road)
Desalvo marymoore (track)
On One runup (cx)
Brooks White (around town fixed)

eh.

Anonymous said...

brooks silver

Miriam said...

MTB: Fisher Ridgeline...tad too masculine.

Road: Fondriest Cornell. Or the shortened version: Fondy Cornell.

Track: Seki Alpenrose...ugh...just doesnt work.

Fondy Cornell is passable. I dont think I'm that bubbly as the name portrays.

Anonymous said...

I live in Portland, OR and they have done this a couple time at the theater up the street from my house. It's good to see it branching out.

Love,
Centurion Council
(not much of a girls name)

Anonymous said...

Super Le Mans Crest? Fuck.

mander said...

Roadie name:Marinoni Seymour

Fixed gear d-bag name: Sun Surly

Meep said...

this took a while, but I finally got it!

Cannondale Mustang
(as in mustang island state park, tx)

I feel awkward

Anonymous said...

Mountain

My old one is Rocky Stokes, even though I'm now on a Kona, I'm keeping Rocky!

Road, I'm switching the order to be Snake Hill Lemond.
Still sucks. Must be the "Lemond"

Axel Bridges said...

BSNYC,

You are way off on the MTB porn names. A much better system would be to have the first name be the model name of your suspension fork and the second name be your favorite riding place. This allows for much better nicknames. For example:

Vanilla Slickrock
Boxxer Mammoth
Sid Angelfire
Nixon Whistler

And for the ladies:
Reba Breckenridge

And of course my own:
Axel Bridges

Roach Suzue said...

Fixie : Cockroach Suzue
...better than Surly Olympiapark.

Anonymous said...

Road:
Raleigh Jester

Fixed:
Faggin Miche
(Rather pigeonholing, I think)

ZiP said...

fixed/track:
skull quando

hmm... sounds more like a rad, campy sci-fi film from 1974.

Anonymous said...

Road Name: Caad Lavaux

Sounds a bit like a french canadian, not so nice with the ladies man.

Fun game BSNYC!

Ronsonic said...

I'll have to go with the mountain bike formula: GT Flatwood.

It's such a fine line between clever and stupid.

Ron

Anonymous said...

Can't resist (MTB/Road combo): Lippy Lock-em-up

mr.complaint said...

as a young buck:

Paramount Redwood

then as I matured:

Eddy Ventoux

now that I've retired it's:

Black 181

Koga Palmer-Park said...

Off road, I'm Saracen Swinley. On the road, Kona Streetley. Street fixed is Kuwahara Goldtec. I seem to gravitate towards bikes beginning with K...

Kaptain Amerika said...

whoever wrote that Wiki has the other formula wrong. it's:

first pet + mother's maiden name = your porn name. e.g., Lucky McDonough

&

middle name + street you grew up on = your soap opera name. e.g., Keith Brockcrest

I've heard them like that for 25 years.

Caro, capitaine des glaces :o) said...

I only have my mountain bike:
Rocky Mohican
The laternative Axel Bridges way:
Skareb Stoneham

And for the commuter, Jason way:
Rocky Masala
And the obie way:
Fendy Laurier

Anonymous said...

lanterne rouge

devnull said...

A roadie name of "Surly Snake"? I can live with that.

Anonymous said...

Luna Baldpeak?

Dykecore here I come!

sherpa said...

Felt Beaverdamn?

Emily said...

Road
Surly Ridgecrest

Reed Enwright said...

Somehow I don't think Rocky Mountain Valley of the 5 Lakes is going to cut it as a porn name.

However, my Rocky Mountain was a Transpo, so maybe I have drag porn name.

Anonymous said...

crazy idea i know but how do u think credit cruch affected porn?


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Jan! said...

I know it's been six years and this is immature, but hey: I'm a multiple of six years and still immature, so here goes.

MTB: "Lespo Limburg"
Road: "Canyon Koppenberg"

I like the alliteration, but that road moniker is not very porn-like. The mountain bike name on the other hand…

To be honest, I give my bikes possibly porn-ish names, too. For example, my road bike is "Candice Canyon", and my touring bike is "Solo Surly".

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