Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Velo Messianism: Who Will Save Us From Ourselves?

An irate commenter suggested yesterday that bike snobbery and elitism is killing cycling. I think we can all agree that he had a point. And I think we can also all agree that his point was wrong. Nonetheless, awhile ago I speculated in a post that perhaps a “John Lennon of Cycling” would arrive and re-unite us. So in light of yesterday’s discussion, I’ve been thinking more about this. If a Messianic figure were to come and save us, who would he be? What form would he take? And, most importantly, what would he ride? Here are a few possibilities.

David Duchovny on a Tri Bike


Monotonous actor David Duchovny, formerly of the “X-Files” and now star of “Californication,” could be just what we need. His soporific mumbling can tranquilize even the most excitable among us, and the fact that he does triathlons means we can all make fun of him instead of each-other. After all, Messiahs are supposed to suffer for all mankind. And triathlons are like cyclocross without the skill, or like alleycats without the fun. We should be able to revile the hell out of him.


The Rebbe Menachem Schneerson on a Rivendell Rambouillet


The deceased Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi is already considered by many to be the Messiah. Were he to return to Earth astride a Rivendell, I think few of us would disagree. Why the Rivendell? It goes great with the beard. Why Schneerson? Well, his sect is based in Brooklyn, and Brooklyn is second only to Portland in terms of being a cycling community at war with itself and in need of saving.


The God of Cyclocross


I don’t know who this would be exactly. All I know is he or she would be the living embodiment of the spirit of cyclocross. Kind of like how Greek gods were the embodiment various virtues and aspects of life. The God of Cyclocross would be affable to a fault, wear Crocs with wool socks, and drink beer brewed in small batches. He would also wield a pit stick like a sceptre and get on and off his bike more often than Courtney Love gets on and off heroin.


John Kerry and George Bush On A Burley Tandem


I steer clear of political debates the way roadies steer clear of gravel. But whichever way you lean politically there is no more enduring image of the 2004 election than Bush on his Trek mountain bike and Kerry on his Serotta road bike. What beautiful yin-and-yang symmetry! I feel that uniting the two of them atop a Burley tandem would somehow neutralize all hostility in the bike world. It would be like spraying a gigantic can of Static Guard on the cycling community.


Tinker Juarez’s Hair

Tinker Juarez is a legend of the sport. And according to Rastafarianism, dreadlocks are a measure of one’s wisdom and knowledge. (At least according to Wikipedia.) So logically, we can conclude that Tinker Juarez’s hair contains the power of his talent and experience. I’m imagining the hair as a separate entity which roams freely, attaching itself to the heads of those most in need of enlightenment and imbuing them with wisdom and peace. Just imagine Tinker’s hair had leapt onto the head of Congressman Patrick McHenry like an overly amorous starfish while he was making that wacky speech about bicycles being a 19th century solution to the energy crisis. He would have suddenly gotten all bike-lovey and sent an intern to buy him some panniers. It would have been like that scene in “History of the World” where Gregory Hines stops the Romans with marijuana smoke.

71 comments:

Anonymous said...

Firsties!!

bother yam said...

Patrick McHenry flunked flank

Fats said...

Since Bush obviously can't steer, he really ought to be Kerry's stoker.

Jim said...

Well, you already know my position - what you need, is More Cowbell, Gene...

I'm not one to knock another man's religion. But I will point out that if Rabbi Schneerson is going to claim the title of the Bicycle Messiah and it's going to involve Rivendells, he's going to have to duke it out with Grant for the title belt. I'd recommend a hybrid of Ultimate Fighting Championship, Torah-derived and UCI Junior roadracing rules. That way, inside the chain link Octagon, Grant could go to town and hit the Rabbi with a heavy, outmoded 8 speed cassette ("It's good enough") but he'd be limited to 48:15, which would be unwieldy and keep the damage done reasonable. The Rabbi could counterpunch with a charge that 650B tires aren't at all kosher, and there's gotta be something in the Torah he can use to condemn a guy who says the bicycle can save the world, but then charges $2500 for a base model that contains more pig iron than the HMS Dauntless.

This could rival the Satan v. Jesus throwdown on Southpark for it's sheer violence, and excellent, almost cartoonish beards. Maybe you could do it tag team style, and have David Duchovny one one side, and More Cowbell on the other - though Duchovny is probably no match for a cowbell.

gabrielamadeus said...

I vote for Tinker's dreads only if they team up with Missy Giove's dead pirahna necklace on a burley tandem.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Jim,

Awesome.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Tinker's Hair for President in '08!!

Colin R said...

Cyclocross god nomination--

Matt White

Illinoisfrank said...

Oprah Winfrey could do it if she started commuting to work on an Electra Amsterdam. After all, she got half of Chicago motivated to run a 4:30 marathon.

meh-wee-uhn said...

Personally, I think it may be a 3 way fight: Portland vs. Brooklyn vs. 'frisco

Niki said...

Speaking of Wikipedia...

Anonymous said...

another vote for matt white but with tinker's dreds and rebbe schneerson's beard and peyot (wrapped neatly in tefillin, of course)on a moulton with moustache bars. all of my visions of the messiah have held this form, since childhood...the only thing missing would of course be, more cowbell...

bikesgonewild said...

...dammit...don't call it frisco...

Anonymous said...

Kerry would obviously use a flip flop hub on the rear.

Lloyd Flandis said...

andy muzi is your guy

http://www.yellowjersey.org/muzi.html

for real

gewilli said...

Hell 90% of Portlanders are originally from KaliPornia...

no need to add "Frisco" to the Portland vs Broke-Land battle...

---

More Cowbell?
The McCormacks... no question...

hands down...

from the infamy bestowed upon them by Patrick O'Grady back in '98 to the continued dominance Mark's showing lately... Matty White might hop a barrier... but that's only cause he can't beat Mahk the Shahk!

it don't get captured better than this: O'Grady scribble

Although the almighty Sven might have something to say about it...

bikesgonewild said...

...once again, a quasi-religious discussion that despite the obvious cycling overtones, is purely patriarchal in it approach...the higher cycling power that leads me on is like something from a french "cycles sirius" poster from years ago...

...a beautiful ethereal woman, mostly naked w/ long flowing hair, riding through the heavens astride a single speed. pointing ever upward...

...you can keep yer ethics, politics, rabbis, cowbells, petersons, dreadlocks & even peyote...i'm going w/ the matriarchal thing here on earth so that when i go to heaven, it'l be w/ 72 naked virgins on cool bikes...
...just hopin'...

quaffimodo said...

the messiah will descend from on high accompanied by a heavenly host of celestial beings.

bother yam said...

Hey bikesgonewild:

I gotcher messiah right here.

Jim said...

a beautiful ethereal woman, mostly naked w/ long flowing hair, riding through the heavens astride a single speed. pointing ever upward...

Ah, BGW, you're obviously referring to Daphny Van Den Brand, a recognized goddess in the More Cowbell cosmology. I've never seen her race singlespeed, though if the UCI recognized it, the payouts improved and the guys riding SS cross in Portland stopped racing in dresses and started shaving once a week, she could probably be talked into it.

http://www.daphnyvandenbrand.nl/

Illinoisfrank said...

Or this

mr.complaint said...

Wait a MINUTE!!!!! We are godless New Yorkers and we ride bicycles.

There is no salvation from the lure of the road.

bikesgonewild said...

...brothers yam, jim & illinoisfrank...well gosh, fellas, you've pointed out that heaven really is right here on earth...
...see, readers, this site IS about helping others, after all...despite what some people think...

Meep said...

I don't know why David Hasselhoff popped into my mind when I saw More Cowbell.

though, I vote for a female messiah, one with fashion sense preferably

Russ said...

I thought Greg LeMond already declared himself the bike messiah? Or is He just handling the road racing side of things?

Nick said...

uh, i think george dubya and gas-man kerry should ride a santana.... santana is just cooler. itll be a fixed gear with a 53:16 and 2 toptube pads. o yes...and dog-erection deep-drop Nittos.

Nathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cnordic fan club said...

...a beautiful ethereal woman, mostly naked w/ long flowing hair, riding through the heavens astride a single speed. pointing ever upward...

http://charles.pelkey.com/tammy.html
???

cnordic fan club said...

bad link on the last comment
http://charles.pelkey.com/tammy.html
Tammy Thomas

Anonymous said...

Colin R said...
Cyclocross god nomination--

Matt White

September 18, 2007 12:53 PM


I feel the absolute need to point out that ex-crosser and current Kelly/Medifast domestique Jonny Sundt was the first 'crosser to consistantly bunny hop the barriers. In fact, here in the PacNW they made the barriers higher and put them closer together because of Jonny who earned the nickname 'The Cat/El Gato' I'm pretty sure Jonny can also drink Matt White under the table. Therefore El Gato must be given the scepter of 'cross god.

Thank you.

Matt in Seattle

Anonymous said...

What about the humble soul lying face down in the mud, front wheel tacoed from a failed hop, hairy legs sticking forlornly in the air, microbrew clutched firmly in hand is the image of the Greek God of Cyclocross?

Anonymous said...

Is Tammy Thomas actually Sly Stallone?

Anonymous said...

You forgot THOR god of SMASH! also known as THOR HUSHVOD, with his mighty sprint and love of all things herring he can bring us all together.

Patrick said...

but who rides in back? Kerry or Bush?

bikesgonewild said...

...cnordic fan club...tryna piss on my vision of beauty w/ pictures of rosie o'd, huh ?...oh, wait, i've just been informed that was tammy thomas...whatever...some guys just look the same...

...seattle matt...sorry, dood, but while jonny sundt is a fine cross 'n' road racer, he was definitely not the first w/ that act...
...LAURENCE MALONE, a good all around roady in his day, became the quintessential cyclo-cross racer back in the '70's...laurence was on lord knows how many national teams racing at worlds...he then went on to be a national cross coach for years...point is, mr. malone was even blowing the euros away w/ his barrier hopping bike skills...the top guys gave him a real close look...he later was on the first "stumpjumper" mountain bike racing team...(specialized had those "pepto-dismal" pink race bikes)...

...laurence was 'more cowbell' city, guys, even where the big dogs played...

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob, L'Shanah Tovah and have an easy fast

b said...

yes, portland is a cycling community at war with itself, however, it needs an uberroleur to unify the masses against the latest threat forming on the horizon: cyclocrossers seeking to liberate society of the non-inclusive too-competitive term "clydesdale".

bikesgonewild said...

...don't know from 'clyesdale', b, or care, but big kudos for UBERROLEUR...
...wow, i do like that...

bikesgonewild said...

...^ d...

Anonymous said...

Any cyclocross god/dess would speak Dutch, so half Belgium would hate him/her and the rest of us wouldn't get the message...

BobkeStrut said...

If ever a cycling messiah descended on mankind from the heavens, it would be via something like this. And he'd be stylin' some serious 70s retro garb. 'Cause that's how Cycling Jesus rolls. Or flies.

bikesgonewild said...

...nice bobkestrut, but it's hard to maintain a smooth cadence w/ an albatross around yer headset...

BobkeStrut said...

bikesgonewild- on the topic of velo messianism...I believe you're omnipresent. it seems that every blog I've visited in the past few days already had comments from you!

And I second the nomination of Lawrence Malone as supreme cyclocross deity.

bikesgonewild said...

...bobkestrut...if we're both at all these cool sites, it could be a case of great minds think alike...or maybe fools seldom differ...i'm never quite sure which...

...to be honest, pro road cycling has kinda put me off at the moment...thus, writing more than reading or caring about race results...

...i haven't seen mr. malone in many years but i believe i can still call him a friend & i know i can call him an all-time great in american cross...

...speaking of great sites, sir, your own bobkestrut.com provides wonderful historical perspective on the cycling scene...now get back there & write some more good stuff...

meh-wee-uhn said...

Don't you oppress me, I'll call it 'frisco if I want to!

bikesgonewild said...

...meh-wee-uhn...please, don't view it as oppression...maybe think of it as re-education...just wantcha ta be well informed when ya come ta town...

OnlinePharmacy said...

1jaG7E Your blog is great. Articles is interesting!

alternative drugs for viagra said...

3rZtQo Thanks to author.

name said...

Lf0OJM Good job!

rental property in meridia venezuela said...

aFI5YB actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.

said...

Please write anything else!

name said...

actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.

cheat psp soccer tour world said...

Hello all!

2007 tour dates for the police said...

Nice Article.

social security supplement said...

Nice Article.

ringtones said...

Magnific!

said...

Wonderful blog.

comparison levitra viagra said...

ArjSK8 Good job!

free ringtones celbr said...

Thanks to author.

Anonymous said...

I would love for the Rebbe to be the bicycle messiah; that way my crazy sister and I could unite over something.

D Raj said...

The bicycling messiah lives in the pacific northwest, currently works in bike advocacy, and has written wonderful descriptions of his rides on PBP, BMB, LEL, and the like on his blog. While generally not as funny as BSNYC (who one might compare to a boisterous preacher whose human frailties detract from messages of universal velo-salvation but make him interesting to read), his lack of hate, disdain of fashion, and willingness to put the camaraderie of being a cyclist above all else, is a nice uniting force.

Anonymous said...

Victor Vincente's been working to save us since arriving by bike sometime in the middle of the last century.
http://www.vva2020.com/pages/about.html

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild -

Last I heard re: Laurence, he resides somewhere in the Santa Fe NM vicinity. The last time I saw him was in 1994, I think; once upon a time we were on the Santa Cruz team to the Red Zinger. In '77, he led out the sprint at Mt Hamilton, and lucky me, I snagged 1st because of that. Laurence, we hope you're doing quite well...cheers, =dg=

Anonymous said...

I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?

tamilselvi said...

Earn Money Rs.10,000 Every Month Through Internet.Just 15 Mins Daily Just Viewing Commercial Websites 30Days Free Trial. Contact : 9841570550 / 9003146262 / 044-43554529 , 32971919

Anonymous said...

коттедж
восстановление зрения
зеленый лазер
электрошокер

dinoibo said...

Sesli sohbet Sesli chat
Seslisohbet Seslichat
Sesli sohbet siteleri Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli Chat
Sohbet Sesli siteler
Sohbet siteleri Chat siteleri
Sohbet merkezi chat merkezi
Sesli merkezi sesli Sohbet merkezi
Sesli chat merkezi Sohbetmerkezi
Sesli Sohbet Sesli Chat
SesliSohbet Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli sohbet siteleri SesliChat
Sesli Sesli siteler
Seslimuhabbet sesli muhabbet
sesli sohbet sesli chat siteleri
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslisohbet seslichat
seslikent sesli kent
sesli sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli chat sesli chat siteleri
seslisohbet seslichat

tamilselvi said...

Earn Money Rs.10,000 Every Month Through Internet.Just 15 Mins Daily Just Viewing Commercial Websites 30Days Free Trial. Contact : 9841570550 / 9003146262 / 044-43554529 , 32971919

shopping online said...

Adsense of Jordan Shoes : just do it!
Adsense of Moncler Jackets : sends to warm, give you more

comforts of life!
Adsense of Moncler : sends to warm, give you more comforts of

life!
Adsense of NFL Jerseys : everything is possible!
Adsense of Christian Louboutin : choice me is choice

beautiful foot and body!
Adsense of Puma Shoes : champion is in the first line!
Adsense of Gucci Shoes : Allows you to enjoy the leisure life in the

fun!
Adsense of Vibram Fivefingers : taste original life, wear the

most morden and comfortable shoes!
Adsense of GHD Hair straighteners : why make our hair so beautiful and lots stylers,

for choice me is choice happy!
Adsense of Clearance Nike Shox : Run

the first forever!
Adsense of Michael Jordan Shoes : just do it!

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

Anonymous said...


............Nice..^_^v................