An Ode To The Winter Bike

J.D. Salinger once said:

"The hardest thing about writing is laying down that first line.  So every morning I sit down, crack my knuckles, and type, 'fuckityfuckityfuckfuckfuck.'  After that the prose practically flows from my fingers like beer piss.'"

Please note the above quotation it completely made up.  I don't want to get in trouble again.

fuckityfuckityfuckfuckfuck

Right, so back in the spring of 2017 I signed on with New York City advocacy organization Transportation Alternatives to write their "Bike Forecast."  The idea was you'd wake up, pour yourself a piping hot mug of Bike Snob coffee:

(It makes a great holiday gift!)

Then you'd peruse the Bike Forecast and get caught up on the weather, bike-related news, DOT advisories, etc. before heading into the New York City street fuckery.

(Also somewhere in there you'd go to the bathroom, but I don't need to walk you through the whole process.)

Anyway, I mention this because this morning marked the final Bike Forecast post, and going forward the bike commuters of New York City will have to read something else while going to the bathroom.  And while I'll miss curating the Forecast--it was as much a part of my routine as going to the bathroom--no longer doing so will afford me more time to spend over here on this blog, and now that I look around the place I realize it sure could use some upgrading.  Maybe I'll even install a bidet.

 Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I will continue to cement my position as the World's Most Thorough Bike Reviewer.  For example, we are now well into year four of my ongoing review of the Milwaukee road bike, which I received way back in 2015:

Well, a lot's happened since then.  Disc brakes took over, gravel bikes got big, and also a certain real estate developer became president.  (Coincidence?  I think not.)  And yet I'm still cranking away on the Milwaukee, and I still love it.  Here it is on the Col du Maison de Snack earlier this week:

Basically, the Milwaukee is a classic road bike with a sporty/racy geometry, except it also takes medium-reach brakes so you can fit it with wider tires and/or fenders--you know, all the stuff you "need" disc brakes in order to do.  (I have nothing against disc brakes, but if you don't feel like making the switch because you appreciate the simplicity of rim brakes or you have like 20 years worth of spare rim brake parts to go through it's good to know there's still a bike out there for you.)  In my time with this bike our relationship has changed and evolved: at first I basically used it as a "gravel" bike (mixed-terrain rides), but as I became a plus-tire convert and eventually a full-on Jones cult member I forewent the Milwaukee for those sorts of rides and instead outfitted it with skinny tires and fenders for messy-weather road riding.

"Winter road bike" is not a glamorous career for a bicycle, but in a place like New York it is an essential one.  From December through April it's crucial to have a bike for those days when the trails are too snowy or muddy, and the roads are rideable yet wet with snow run-off and strewn with salt.  Wide tires are not especially necessary during this time (you're not taking off-road detours when it's 40 degrees and the trails are slushy), but full-coverage fenders are, and a bike like this will see you through all but the very worst days.

Of course, conditions like these take their toll on bikes and components.  In fact, by the time the fall rolled around the Milwaukee was in rough shape, so I sidelined it until I had a chance to give it an overhaul.  Then December rolled around and I needed my winter road bike, at which point I decided it was silly to put new stuff on a bike that was just going to be subjected to months of salt and road spray, so I lubed the rusty chain, played with the derailleur until it would shift into all the gears again, and hit the road:

Yes, there's about 200 grams of extra grime and sludge on this bike, but it's still operating pretty smoothly, all things considered.  Really, the only issues are: 1) That the front shifting requires a little extra force, possibly due to the bent derailleur I had to subsequently un-bend, or possibly due to the digger I took on the Old Croton Aqueduct when I broke my thumb, or, most likely, both; and 2) the rear hub is super draggy:

I bought this hub as part of a second-hand wheelset many years ago, and being overbuilt as Chris King components are, it's now on its second rim with plenty of life in it.  At the same time, even after opening it up and lubing it it's always been draggy to the point that the chain will droop and hit the chainstay if I backpedal.  So I've basically relegated it to winter duty, where performance is secondary to imperviousness to the elements.

Other issues I've been loath to address include this unsightly gap between fender and rear tire:

Basically, these are the same fenders that were on my old Scattante:

Because of the way these fenders are designed you've basically got to remove the stays and cut them in order to get everything lined up perfectly.  Being the lazy person I am I was of course reluctant to bother with all that again, so when I put them on the Milwaukee and they didn't interfere with the tire I figured that was good enough and that was that.

The bar tape is also in really rough shape:

I've been meaning to change that, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like the proper attitude is, "Why bother?"

The one thing I will change before riding it again are the brake pads, which are virtually nonexistent:

I was easily one or two wet descents away from metal-on-metal, though fortunately I had my draggy Chris King hub to help slow me down.

Nevertheless, the Milwaukee still manages to emit a faint glow of class from beneath the grunge, thanks in part to the raised stainless downtube badge:

And head badge:

In a way it's a real shame I subject it to this sort of treatment.  This is a reasonably priced frame and fork made out of good quality tubing by Waterford and is well-deserving of a Campagnolo group and some fair-weather prancing about.  (Yes, I'm a born-again Campagnolo fan thanks to my New-To-Me Titanium "Forever Bike.")  Indeed, it appears the Potenza group is available in silver:

Milwaukee offer a whole bunch of colors, but seems to me you pair that with one of these and you've got yourself an extremely genteel Fred chariot:

That being said, apart from the aforementioned front shifting issues, the 10-speed 105 stuff on this bike has held up very well, and as a bonus it's also silver.  (I do like silver road bike groups, which I imagine won't be available much longer.)

And while I'm at it, I might as well pivot to another long-term bike review subject, that being the Brompton:

On Monday I rode it to the radio show, and yesterday morning I was sitting on the couch and staring at the wall like I usually when a text message reminded me I had a dentist appointment in like an hour.  Yikes!  Fortunately the Brompton was still sitting by the front door, so I grabbed it and off I went.  I didn't even bring so much as a lock, which was totally fine since I just left it in the waiting room while they went at my pearly yellows with the belt sander.

See that?  A Brompton will pay for itself in preventative dental maintenance alone.  Without it I'd probably have skipped the appointment and my teeth would eventually have fallen out.  Then I'd need to pay Renovo to make me a set of wooden ones...

Coyote Fredly

Firstly, there's a lot going on in today's Bike Forecast, including a spate of coyote attacks just north of the city to which I was alerted by Leroy's Dog:

Police say around 2 p.m. Thursday, a coyote attacked a woman riding a bicycle on South County Trailway.

It missed her, biting her back tire instead.

I hope she was running tubeless.

Anyway, most of the places described in the story are along the route of my my usual 20-miler, which means it's time for me to invest in some new riding gear:

What, no helmet?

By the way, the aforementioned post also addresses the media-hyped specter of the "distracted pedestrian," which is no doubt a thing, but which also hardly warrants mentioning given all the mayhem caused by distracted driving:


That is fucking horrifying.

I will however acknowledge the problem of the distracted consumer, for this very morning I was shopping at Target and upon arriving home with my spoils discovered I was short a bag.  This compelled me to schlep all the way back to Target, at which point the security (or "asset protection") person called up my transaction on the video camera and I got to watch a birds-eye view of myself tapping away at my smartphone while the checkout person bagged my items.  Then I watched myself hastily grab the bags without paying attention and walk away.

Fortunately my distraction only cost me a return trip to Target and about an hour of my life as opposed to, you know, my life.

I am now of the opinion that every moment of every day should be recorded on video, privacy be damned, and that human evolution will one day arrive at a point were this omniscient collective digital memory ensures that absolutely every mistake we make can ultimately be put right.

Also something about blockchain.

Secondly, I'd like to take a moment to lament the sorry state of society, the ongoing decay of our moral fiber, and the inevitable demise of humanity it clearly portends:

See, we're being rained and hailed upon at the moment, but the past few days in New York have been ideal, and I've been spending a fair amount of time on the West Side Greenway in Manhattan--which, it turns out, is a good thing given all those coyote attacks up north:

The West Side Greenway is, I believe, the most heavily-trafficked bikeway in the country (though I'm far too lazy to confirm that), and on a day like the one depicted above you will find all manner of riders upon it--everyone from the sightseeing Citi Biker to the forward-leaning tridork.  (Even though in the above photo it looks completely empty, go figure.)  Anyway, on one of my excursions I happened to incur a flat tire, so I unfurled my artisinal tool roll and got to work:

It should go without saying that I, a world-renowned cycling word curator, was fully equipped with both the tools necessary to complete the operation as well as the vast knowledge and experience to do so expeditiously.  Nevertheless, I was dismayed--no, disgusted really--that not a single rider so much as slowed down to ask if I was okay.  See, I may scoff at certain cycling conventions (I can't stand "on your left" and I couldn't give a shit whether you wave to me or not), but when you see someone stopped and futzing with their bike you should at least feather a brake and ask if they need anything.  See, even the most competent cyclist occasionally opens his or her saddle bag to find that they forgot to restock the patches or that their valve stem ate through their tube, and your simple act of courtesy could be the difference between them making it to their dental appointment or not.  (I just so happened to be on the way to the dentist.)

Basically what I'm saying is you should all be deeply ashamed of yourselves.

Finally, here's a PSA about the importance of wearing a helmet in the office:


Don't be a statistic...you never know when the tension spring on a desk lamp is going to fail and clobber you into oblivion.

It's Wednesday and here's an entire post about a bike review that made me angry.

Bicycle helmets and disc brakes for road bikes have a lot in common.  For one thing, they both inspire lots of tedious debates.  For another, on one side of those debates you have people who may or may not care for them personally but ultimately don't give a shit whether anybody uses them or not, and on the other side you have people who think anybody who doesn't use them is an idiot with a death wish.

Take me for instance.  I don't care if you wear a helmet or not, nor do I care if you use disc brakes on your road bike or not.  On the other hand you have Outside magazine, who are actually telling people to throw their rim brakes in the trash:

(Via a reader.  Thanks reader!)

Okay.  Firstly, is that Bret?

Sure looks like him--except Bret somehow manages to defy time and space even with rim brakes.

Secondly:

Each time I write about the proliferation and advantages of disc brakes on road bikes, a litany of naysayers parry. Common criticisms: disc brakes are unreliable and finicky, heavier than rim varieties, hinder aerodynamics, fade because of overheating, prevent fast wheel changes, and are dangerous when ridden together with rim brake–equipped bikes because of the differences in cornering speeds and stopping times. Most of these arguments are refutable.

Yeah yeah yeah.  Feather your dick breaks there, Aaron.  Let's talk about that headline first.

As someone who wades hip-deep in bicycle reviews day after day I have developed a high tolerance for bullshit over the years, but telling people to "throw your rim brakes in the trash" is downright offensive.  For many of us, riding bikes is one of our greatest pleasures in life, and the shit you need in order to do it ain't free.  Even I, a world famous semi-professional bike blogger, must proffer legal tender in exchange for consumables such as tires, tubes, cables, and sundries*.  Keeping my bikes running well is a commitment of both time and money, and I value every minute of cycling time I'm able to fit in between my many responsibilities.  Indeed, I don't just value these minutes, I cherish them.  Furthermore, I'm grateful for all the bike stuff I have, and I make sure to get as much use out of it as possible.

*[What's a sundry?  Do I need one?  How much do they weigh?  Do they come in crabon?"--Some Fred somewhere, probably.]

Meanwhile, here comes some guy who reviews bikes for a glossy magazine you flip through at the dentist to tell me I need to "throw my rim brakes in the trash."  Really?  Which rim brakes?  The ones that have been stopping me predictably for years?  The ones that require virtually no maintenance safe for the odd two-minute pad change and occasional cable replacement?  The ones I can visually inspect for pad wear at a glance?  The ones I can adjust with the flick of a finger while riding?  The ones that let me change my wheels in seconds before heading out for a ride?  The ones that have never, ever failed me?  Those rim brakes?  You want me to throw them in the trash?

And what happens when I do throw them in the trash?  I need a whole new bike, don't I?  Not only that, but pretty much all the spare parts I've accumulated over the years are also useless, aren't they?  Wow, that's a big and expensive commitment!

But you know what?  I'm a person who cherishes his riding experience, and maybe that initial outlay of time and money (thousands of dollars at least) will be worth it.  After all, this guy writes for an established magazine that publishes the work of respected authors with integrity whose work means a lot to me.  He must know what he's talking about when he tells me to throw what basically amounts to my entire bike in the trash.  So maybe I'll hear him out:

The other common argument I hear against discs is that they are a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist—rim brakes work fine. (Having descended countless wet mountain roads on carbon wheels with rim brakes, where stopping power all but disappears, I beg to differ.) But rather than simply continue to rail on the subject, this year I decided to put the debate to our test team in Sedona, Arizona, by offering up two comparably spec’d bikes—one disc, the other rim—for comparative feedback.

Ah-ha!  There's the problem: "wet mountain roads on carbon wheels."  Why are you using carbon wheels?  Nobody who is not a sponsored full-time professional bike racer should use carbon wheels.  Yes, of course they brake poorly in the wet, and disc brakes on road bikes are mostly a solution to the problem of using carbon wheels.  Professional athletes must deal with this problem because they must use bleeding-edge equipment in pursuit of those "marginal gains."  (Or, more accurately, to distract from what's really increasing their performance.)  The rest of us do not, and if we do anyway we're simply spending extra money for absolutely no reason.

Hey, I readily admit there are reasons to use disc brakes, even on a road bike.  Maybe you want that extra clearance.  Maybe you're a "modulation queen" who simply can't live knowing that there's another system out there that feels a little bit nicer.  Maybe you ride in horrendous weather conditions day in and day out and go through rims like the rest of us go through brake pads.  Or maybe you just think they're nifty.

I totally get it.

But while there are reasons to use disc brakes on your road bike (not "throw your rim brakes in the trash" reasons, but sure, reasons), there is not a single valid reason to use carbon wheels.  Not one!  Aluminum rims are fantastic regardless of which braking system you use.  If you ding them you can often bend them right back into shape.  They last a long time.  They're cheap.  They're light.  And if you do use aluminum rims and disc brakes your rims will last approximately until the end of time.

On the other hand, carbon rims are...what, lighter?  You think that makes a difference?  Firstly, you need discs to make them stop predictably so there's a chunk of your weight savings right there.  Secondly, you're overweight and you suck, and even if you weren't and you didn't (but let's be honest, you are and you do) that weight difference doesn't mean shit.

Oh, wait, I forgot: you can also make carbon rims into the shape of a whale's scranus or something, so there is that.

What can I say?  If that's a structural property you value then you're beyond saving.

Still, as a cyclist looking for the best riding experience I can get my scranus on I'm willing to hear this guy out to the end of his article  It's a bold claim after all, and there's still time for him to back it up.  (Also the dental hygienist isn't ready for me yet, and the only other magazine is about golf.)  So let's hear his rigorous testing protocol:

On one side, we had the Trek Domane SLR 8. Since the new Dura Ace 9100 wasn’t available at test time, this is not a stock build, but a one-off we received earlier this year. It’s equipped with Dura Ace 9000 parts (including rim brakes), upgraded Bontrager carbon Aeolus 3 clinchers, and stock 28-millimeter Bontrager tires. The bike weighed a feathery 15.3 pounds.

On the other side was a stock Trek Domane SLR 7 Disc, which comes with Shimano Ultegra Di2 components, Shimano RS805 hydraulic flat-mount brakes (which were the company’s top model prior to the release of the new Dura Ace 9120 and 9170 models), alloy wheels, and 32-millimeter Bontrager tires. It weigher more than two pounds heavier at 17.6 pounds.

Okay, so the rim brake bike has the carbon wheels and the disc brake bike has alloy wheels.  Isn't that backwards?  Didn't he already establish carbon wheels don't stop well with rim brakes?  OK, here's an idea: switch the wheels.  Oh yeah, you can't!  The wheels aren't compatible.  So let's proceed with a test that's already doomed to failure:

Despite the SLR 8’s clear weight advantage, testers unanimously preferred the SLR 7. “They are both comfortable, quick, and super fun to ride,” one tester said. “But I feel more confident on the disc version.”  Testers found the modulation on the discs more nuanced and subtle, with just a slight touch of the brake providing microadjustments, while the rim breaks took much more effort and were less predictable. Most people commented on how much less hand pressure it took to stop with the discs than the rim variety. Several testers even swore that disc brakes made them faster, saying they could hold speed longer into a bend on the SLR 7 because the brakes’ responsiveness and finesse allowed them to slow later, which meant coming out of the turn quicker.

"Clear weight advantage?"  The "heavier" bike is still sub-18lbs.  Also, I've ridden disc brakes on the road and yes, they do feel nice.  Still, the rim brake bike has those carbon wheels.  Did you try it with different wheels?  Of course you didn't.  But you did spell brakes "breaks" at least once, so there's that.

And let's talk about that perception of "confidence."  Sure, the discs might have contributed to that.  But what about tire size?  The rim brake bike had 28s, the disc brake bike had 32s.  That's a significant difference, and certainly one that would affect your perception of "confidence."  (And I'm not even going to ask #whatpressureyourunning.)  For fuck's sake, this "test" has more holes in it than my knee warmers!

But let's press on:

Even though all testing was in a big group, we had no collisions or accidents due to the mix of rim and disc brakes. You simply learn how each performs and adjust your riding accordingly.

Miraculous.  A bunch of magazine Freds managed to ride in a group and not crash.  Also, I'm shocked that each type of brake does have its differences in feel yet ultimately performs well--even rim brakes on carbon wheels.  Too bad I already threw my rim brakes in the trash.

As for durability, the discs have held up fine for four months of testing without a bleed or an adjustment. We also had zero days of inclement weather, which I imagine would have amplified the preferences for the SLR 7 given that the carbon rims on the SLR 8 feel far less confident in the rain. (A fact I discovered subsequent to the test.)

I should damn well hope the discs held up for four months.  Only a magazine reviewer would find this worth mentioning.  Also, good thing you had those discs so you could experience their superior performance in the foul weather you never experienced.  Meanwhile, given that the SLR8 feels less confident in the rain due to those carbon rims, are you ever going to try it with different rims?

Of course not.

While this isn’t a scientific inquiry, it did convince me again of disc brakes’ advantages. They won over our group of testers, too. Even the hardcore road racers in the group preferred discs. On the day we took on Mingus Mountain, a 4,000-foot hill climb west of Sedona, there was a morning scramble for bikes with disc brakes. The only models that weren’t chosen were rim varieties. “A long, winding descent like that? You definitely want disc brakes,” said one avid road racer and tester. And I heard no reports of brake fade on that long descent.

You're damn right it isn't scientific.  It's a heap of anecdotes from a bunch of maga-bros, which I guess is pretty much the definition of Outside magazine.

As for that rim brake bike?

That’s not to say that the SLR 8 is a bad bike. I rode it for the better part of six months as my primary road machine, and it is absolutely fantastic. I’m sure I would have made easy work of the Mingus descent on it. As critics say, rim brakes work fine, especially the high-end versions on this model. Discs simply work better.

It was your primary bike for almost six months, which is pretty much an eternity by maga-bro standards?  It is "absolutely fantastic?"  Well why the hell are you telling people to throw their rim brakes in the trash then?  I had a really great meal at a very expensive restaurant not too long ago and you don't hear me telling people to throw away the contents of their refrigerators.

Do I think disc brakes work well?  Yes.  Do I think eventually most performance bikes will have them?  Yes.  Do I acknowledge that one day even I will probably have a road bike with disc brakes?  Yes.  Do I enjoy posing rhetorical questions?  Emphatically so.

But come on, this review was even dumber than that New York Times story about the daddies in Montclair who had to look after their own kids.

We should demand an apology from Outside.

Sorry I'm Late, I Left My Apple Watch On My Other Wrist.

So it's finally acting like winter around here:

And just in time too, because tomorrow's apparently International Winter Bike to Work Day:

Sadly I'm unable to participate--not because I don't want to ride, but because I have no intention of doing anything remotely resembling "work" tomorrow.

Working on Fridays is for suckers.

That's why I'll be participating in "International Fuck Off And Ride Day" instead, most likely by grabbing the chubby bike and heading into the woods.

Nevertheless, it looks like quite a few people have committed to International Freeze Your Genitals Off Day so far:

A special tip of the helmet to those brave souls in Florida, Texas, and southern California for showing the world that they're not afraid to commute by bike in temperatures that may require long sleeves.

Moving on, yesterday's post touched upon the condition known as "middle age," which prompted some commenters to ask how you know whether or not you're suffering from it.  Here's one commenter's astute diagnosis:

janinedm said...

Also, and this may be easy to say because I'm still under 40, but people seem to be in denial about the existence and definition of middle age. Here's a checklist:  When you refer to yourself as a young person, do people either smirk or (worse) make their face go completely blank? Look up this week's Billboard 100 chart. Do you recognize 40% or less of the artists? (You don't have to like them, it's pop. But do you recognize them?) If you answer yes to more than 2 of these questions, you're very probably middle aged. It's no sin. The only shame is in fighting it.

February 10, 2016 at 4:05 PM

Naturally, I went through the checklist:

1) Does any event more than 20 years ago feel recent?

I'd say 20 years ago is the outer edge of what seems recent to me.  For example, 1996 was the year the StarTac came out, and I remember it like it was yesterday:

(Analog: the vinyl of mobile communication.)

That was a badass phone.  I think I even had a refurbished one at one point that crapped out almost immediately.

Then again it was hard to tell when a cellphone actually worked in those days since reception was spottier than the maillot à pois.

2) When you refer to yourself as a young person, do people either smirk or (worse) make their face go completely blank?

Well, I would never refer to myself as a young person, though sometimes other people still call me young--though presumably it's because they can't see me through their cataracts and are really old like this woman who smoked and drank her way to 100:

Speaking from her home in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, yesterday, she said: ''I've been smoking since I was 30 and have had no problems at all.

''People try and tell you it's bad for you but my family wouldn't dare ask me to stop. If they did, I'd put them across my lap and give them a slapped bum.

I'm sure the tobacco companies would love us to believe that smoking is the key to everlasting life, but who really wants to live to 100?  For one thing all your peers are long dead.

Actually, that sounds pretty good.

I'm going to pick up a pack of Marlboros this afternoon, assuming I can scrape together the $50 or whatever they cost now.

3) Look up this week's Billboard 100 chart. Do you recognize 40% or less of the artists? (You don't have to like them, it's pop. But do you recognize them?)

Well, I looked it up, and to me it seemed vaguely dystopian, like that list of pop groups in the record store scene in "A Clockwork Orange:"

By the way, those are all great band names, and I can't believe they haven't since been used in real life.

Or maybe they have.

I wouldn't know, because I'm middle-aged.

Then again, I also looked up the Hot 100 from the year I graduated high school and I didn't recognize a lot of those names either.  Timmy T? Hi-Five??? Stevie B?!?

Neva hoid of 'em.

In other news, I was sorry to hear from a reader in Louisville, KY whose entire garage has been completely robbed of all its bicycles:

Yeah, that's right, they even stole the tandem.

That's messed up.

So if you're the sort of person who habitually scours the used bicycle classifieds and you happen to see one or more of these bicycles for sale, please alert the owner.  In fact, I'm more than willing to offer a reward for any information leading to the safe return of one of these bikes.  Of course, I'm not sure what that reward would be, but the one thing I can tell you for sure is that it won't be money.

I'll gladly hook you up with some coffee and a hat though.

I'll also double the reward if the bike you find is the tandem.

Moving on across the Atlantic, the Cat 6es of London have scored a landmark legal victory:

Cabbies have lost a high court challenge that could have disrupted completion of London’s £47m flagship east-west cycle superhighway.

The Licensed Taxi Drivers Association (LTDA) asked a judge to declare that the continued construction of the segregated cycling route linking Westbourne Grove and Tower Hill via the Victoria Embankment without planning permission “constitutes a breach of planning control”.

But Mrs Justice Patterson rejected the application.

Not only that, but Transport for London is also proposing sort of a "Fred window" for trucks:

Transport for London is considering proposals that would require trucks to have large, glass panels along their side doors, the Evening Standard reported. The design gives truck drivers a “panoramic” view of the road, and also gives drivers greater responsibility in avoiding collisions with bikers and pedestrians.

Though of course the truckers don't like it:

Not surprisingly, the Freight Transport Association isn’t a fan of TfL’s new plan, saying it could cost an estimated £280 million (about $407 million U.S.) to outfit trucks with the panels, and that there could be cheaper ways to improve truck drivers’ visibility.

Silly Transport for London!  Your big mistake was attempting to sell this as something that would benefit cyclists.  Who the hell cares about them?!?

I'll tell you what though, pitch this as a "Wanking Window" that facilitates indecent exposure and this proposal will pass faster than a big rig overtaking a Prius.

Speaking of speed, the Specialized "fUCI" concept bike has made the pages of "Outside" magazine, which means you'll be reading about it at the dentist in four months:

The first thing you notice about the fUCI is its massive rear wheel. At 33.3 inches, the hoop dwarfs its companion up front, which violates the UCI mandate that all competition-eligible bikes sport equal-sized wheels. The rear wheel, however, acts as a massive flywheel, maximizing the bike’s efficiency when brought up to speed. Of course, winding that monster flywheel up to speed would be hellishly difficult—that is, it would be if it weren’t for the electric motor tucked discretely inside the fUCI’s frame, which gives the rider another UCI-banned boost of power. 

A flywheel and a motor?  The "f" in fUCI must be for "Femke."

We’re just scraping the surface here, but you get the idea. The fUCI is a mechanical middle finger thrust in the general direction of cycling’s rule book. But it also makes you ask: Why? Why did Egger spend six months creating the thing? What’s the point of it all?

“I’m a designer. My job is to push the limits and design stuff that blows people away. I can tell you, all the regulations the UCI forces us to live by, it stymies us. It’s hampering innovation in the bike industry.”

How is the UCI limiting bike innovation?  You're free to design whatever you want as long as you don't enter it into a UCI race.  So instead of designing an awesome bike you designed a half-assed motorcycle.  Nice job.

“Why did we make fUCI?  It’s a message for the UCI, sure,” says Egger. “But it’s also a challenge to us—Specialized—and the rest of the bike industry to shake things up. We’re located next to Silicon Valley, where all this tremendous change is happening, and here we are, still producing models that look like safety bikes from the turn of the last century. There is so much technology out there in terms of motors, spoked wheels, aerodynamics, and the bike industry considers disc brakes on road bikes to be a big deal? We’re just scraping the surface of what’s possible.”

“Your bike,” says Egger “doesn’t even have to look like a bike at all. It can be better.”

Sure.  It could be a Yamaha, or a Hyundai.  It could also be a Segway you can ride while wearing a jetpack.  What the hell is your point?

This is like building a racing bicycle with gears that can coast and calling it the fJKA, or putting a saddle on a cheetah and calling it the fThe Jockey Club.

Lastly, remember the Missouri representative who wanted cyclists to ride with a 15 foot flag?  Well, a reader tells me he now wants to allow golf cars and ATVs on the bike path:

What an asshole.

Something tells me he'd be a fan of the fUCI.

The Thrill of the Hunt: Does Strava Keep Track of Kills?

You could say that the cycling community is an insular microcosm, but just as a single atom reveals the workings of the universe, so too is the world of bikes a perfect model for the world at large.  Indeed, if you understand bikes then you understand everything.  Consider for example the phenomenon of the "Fred," which has its analog in every aspect of human endeavor--including hunting:

(Via Bryan the reader)

What, you're surprised?  Of course there are Hunting Freds.  Why wouldn't there be?  Men are men, and toys are toys.  In fact, the only ways to distinguish the Hunting magazine Annual Gear Issue from the Bicycling Editor's Choice awards are: 1) A slightly higher body count; and 2) More earth tones.

Furthermore, as you might expect, Hunting Fred marketing videos about bicycles are just as ridiculous as every other kind of marketing video about bicycles.  To wit:


Introducing Cogburn Outdoors from Cogburn on Vimeo.

"To live off the land," explains the video as headlights appear out of the darkness, "is a noble experience:"

I'm sure it is.  But how the fuck is driving a giant truck into the woods living off the land?  Unless you're drilling for and refining the oil yourself, this is the exact opposite of self-sufficiency.  Really, it's just using the drive-thru at Sonic, only with more camo.

Then it goes on to evoke the ideas of "tradition, passion, and birthright:"

If you have white skin and a penis, nothing makes them tingle like the words "tradition," "passion," and "birthright" used together.  It means something's about to get invaded or killed.

It's also your white penis that compels you "to look for an edge:"

And "to go deeper:"

Yes, we are innately driven to probe and thrust ever deeper into the wilderness, that great big unkempt vagina existing solely for our pleasure.

Just make sure to "leave no trace:"

Because you wouldn't want any DNA evidence to come up on the rape kit.

Sweet bike though:

It brings new meaning to the term "dentist bike"--assuming the dentist is Dr. Walter Palmer.

By the way, speaking of bows and arrows and the great big shopping mall that is the outdoors, those best made douches are still at it:

This is the bow that every generation learns with, and the bow that reconnects a seasoned archer with the romance of casting arrows. Unencumbered by technical aids, the American Longbow patiently teaches true form. Without sights, pulleys, or counterweights, the archer learns an instinctive style, shooting naturally and with grace. The release of a string-follow bow is forgiving and dependable, allowing for versatility on the range and in the field. The bow does not strain to pull the string past its centerline, resulting in a comfortable and confident feel in the hand.

So it's the fixie of archery?

I really, really don't think the sorts of douchebags who buy stuff from Best Made Co. should be allowed to handle weaponry.  It takes strength to control a bow and arrow, yet the most strenuous activity these people undergo on a regular basis is masturbation.  In fact, here's what happened shortly after they took the catalog photograph above, because his already feeble arm was further weakened by excessive wanking:

Finally, the fat bike craze comes to stretchers.  They're ideal for portaging carcasses over loose terrain.

In other news, cycling fans everywhere were shocked to learn Tom Danielson was still racing:

As for the positive doping test, the only person surprised by that was Tom Danielson:

I would never ever take anything like this especially after everything I have gone through the last years. This makes absolutely no sense

— tom danielson (@tomdanielson) August 3, 2015

So what are these tribulations he's referring to, anyway:

Further Tweets from the American rider, who served a six-month suspension, from September 1, 2012 to March 1, 2013, after he admitted to doping during his time with the Discovery Channel team, state that he will have the supplements he takes tested for possible contamination.

That's right, he was suspended from September 2012 to March 2013.  This meant that he couldn't race during the off-season.  Big freaking deal.  It's the exact opposite of those blackout dates the airlines give you when you try to use your frequent flier miles.  Danielson's off-season suspension is the equivalent of telling a Hunting Fred he can't go hunting on Superbowl Sunday.

Also, if Danielson has indeed been through so much, why is he still taking "supplements?"  Seems a bit risky.  This is like someone who's joined Narcotics Anonymous, but still goes to Grateful Dead concerts, breathes deeply, and hopes.

And where the hell is he buying supplements that contain banned substances anyway?  At the same delis in New York City that sell "synthetic marijuana?"

Synthetic marijuana refers to the many herbal mixtures inaccurately marketed as “safe” and legal, that produce marijuana-like effects. It is often labeled “not for human consumption” and sold as “incense,” but look more like potpourri. It may contain dried, shredded plant material and chemicals that create the mind-altering effects. People buy it in head shops, convenience stores, and on the Internet. It is illegal to sell synthetic marijuana in New york State.

These products are known by such names as bliss, black mamba, Bombay blue, fake weed, genie, spice, zohai, K2, Yucatan fire, skunk, or moon rocks.

Actually, this would explain a lot:

("A tainted supplement called 'Yucatan Fire' explains both my positive test result and my eerily red demon eyes")

Lastly, here's a video I received from a reader that is the exact opposite of the Cogburn Hunting Fred bike video:


On the Move with new Fordham Law Dean Matthew Diller from Fordham Law School on Vimeo

It makes me happy to see someone riding to work, but I just want to know who they paid off to clear the tourists out of the Brooklyn Bridge bike lane:

That never happens.

The only way you could pull that off on a typical day would be to ride across on a fully loaded Cogburn while shouting "Psychopath on your left!"

Sorry I'm late, my Apple watch doesn't work due to my cold blood and reptilian epidermis.

Well, the World's Most Powerful Fred has made headlines again:

("Have I?  What did I do, mate?")

No, silly.  That's not the World's Most Powerful Fred.  This is the World's Most Powerful Fred:

(I mean the one on the left.  The one on the right is The World's Most Self-Important Fred.)

Indeed, Secretary of State John Kerry's cycling exploits have been fraught with drama this year.  First, back in March, there was his geopolitically metaphorical derailleur malfunction:

"The Swiss police came in and told me they needed an urgent repair on a gear-change mechanism," Schumann told AFP on Wednesday.

Which Washington pundits attributed to his tendency to cross-chain:

And which he almost certainly used to rationalize purchase of a full electronic Campagnolo Super-Ultra-Deluxe Electronic Record upgrade to his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry:

(Teresa Heinz Kerry finally green-lights purchase of a new component group after weeks of wheedling and cajoling.)

"C'mon, a Stealth Bomber costs $550 million each and all I want to buy is a stupid derailleur," sources overheard Kerry say to his wife at a fundraising banquet.

Now, just as the cycling season is getting succulent, the unfortunate Kerry has crashed and broken his femur:

“Secretary Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycling accident this morning in Scionzier, France,” Mr. Kirby, the State Department spokesman, said in a statement. “Given the injury is near the site of his prior hip surgery, he will return to Boston today to seek treatment at Massachusetts General Hospital with his doctor who did the prior surgery.”

Ouch.

This crash will have global implications, for it means Kerry missed the big ISIS meeting:

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Though maybe that's for the best, as Kerry's comparisons of ISIS to the hated ISIS splined bottom bracket interface have largely passed over the heads of his fellow statespeople:

("If we don't act now to stop ISIS, the region will fail catastrophically, and our collective crotches will be on a collision course with the top tube of destiny."--Kerry to a befuddled United Nations General Assembly.)

Anyway, if anybody ever doubted Kerry's Fredly credentials, this ought to silence them:

Mr. Kerry had left Sunday morning open in case his Saturday talks with the Iranians were extended. But those talks ended Saturday afternoon, and on Sunday morning Mr. Kerry decided to cycle a route that had been part of the Tour de France using a bicycle that he had brought with him.

Canceling a dentist appointment and then heading out for a few laps in the park because you already took the afternoon off work =10 Fred Points.

Nuclear talks finish early so you go climb the Col de la Colombière = 1,000 Fred Points:

Agence France-Presse, quoting French officials, said that Mr. Kerry had coordinated the cycling trip with the local authorities. Mr. Kerry fell as he was riding at a low speed at the start of a challenging climb up the Col de la Colombière, the report said.

And of course crashing at the start of the climb = 10,000 Fred Points.

Fortunately, Kerry is in good spirits, and I'm sure he's already planning to use the incident as the foundation for an eventual disc brake upgrade.

By the way, it's only a matter of time before some idiot declares that Kerry is being irresponsible by riding a bicycle--you know, like they already do in the Least Cycling-Friendly Nation On the Planet:

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been advised to give up cycling or face an accident by his recently retired doctor.

Dr Graeme Killer, who was also the former personal physician to the likes of Prime Ministers Paul Keating, John Howard and Kevin Rudd, told The Australian: ‘One day he’ll come off.’

Dr Killer made the stern warning after retiring on Christmas Eve.

Right.  Because nothing bad can happen to you while you're swimming.

By the way, here's why the ironically-named Dr. Killer hates cycling so much:

Dr Killer’s son, a keen cyclist, suffered an accident that left him needing a shoulder replacement after someone opened a car door into him.

Or, maybe people could look before opening their fucking car doors.

Meanwhile, the Giro d'Italia has ended, and as you can see cycling has left its sordid past behind and entered a new era:

(Where have I seen this guy before?)

Also, there's surely nothing suspicious about Contador going for the Giro d'Italia-Tour de France double, because that surely doesn't require drugs at all:

"Partly I feel, too, that no matter how difficult the Tour de France is, another Tour de France, won by itself, wouldn't add much to my palmares. But winning the Giro and Tour in the same year would put things on another level."

Just ask this guy:

"Another level" indeed.

Meanwhile, Ryder Hesjedal feigned outrage when they checked his bike for a motor:

“It’s the stupidest thing,” a visibly irritated Hesjedal told a gaggle of reporters, shortly after his bike was hauled off into a tent after ascending Stage 18’s final climb.

And:

“It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of,” Hesjedal said. “It’s not possible. It’s just not possible.”

No, it's totally possible, and that's why they're checking.  Come on, we all saw your bike, it was spinning like a goddamn breakdancer.  Even Greg LeMond says so, and he's the John the Baptist of saying crazy shit about cycling that turns out to be exactly right:

“I know that motors exist, I’ve ridden a bike with one and I’ve met the inventor and talked about it. If people think they don’t exist, they’re fooling themselves, so I think it’s a justified suspicion. I believe it’s also been used in the peloton. It seems too incredible that someone would do it, but I know it’s real,” he said.

Just don't point out that he rode one of the fastest time trials in history or that he made a "miraculous" comeback after being shot, because there's nothing suspicious about any of that.

I do like LeMond's solution though:

“To make sure it doesn’t happen, I don’t think there should be bike changes in races. Period. Unless you have a real mechanical problem. It’d take away the suspicion. I just hope the UCI is doing the right thing. Fifty or 100 watts is nothing for a motor. If you’re say riding at 400 watts on a climb, an extra 50 watts means minutes on a climb and there’s no real weight penalty.

Not only do I love anything that makes life more inconvenient for bike racers, but the sport also badly needs more heat guns--or, failing that, Greg LeMond running around at the Tour de France with a hairdryer.

Finally, a reader has forwarded me the most sexist line of mountain bikes ever created:

Female cyclists do not generally need to push their limits, race against time and increase their adrenaline when riding rough downhill trails. They just want to enjoy the time spent in nature on the bike, and their expectations from the bike are completely different than men's. They look mainly for safe, easy and, of course, stylish bikes that have good and natural handling.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!?

Idiots.

Anyway, the bike company appears to be based in the Czech Republic, which is right next door to Slovakia, home to this guy:

Maybe he writes copy in the off-season.