(Via Bryan the reader)
What, you're surprised? Of course there are Hunting Freds. Why wouldn't there be? Men are men, and toys are toys. In fact, the only ways to distinguish the Hunting magazine Annual Gear Issue from the Bicycling Editor's Choice awards are: 1) A slightly higher body count; and 2) More earth tones.
Furthermore, as you might expect, Hunting Fred marketing videos about bicycles are just as ridiculous as every other kind of marketing video about bicycles. To wit:
Introducing Cogburn Outdoors from Cogburn on Vimeo.
"To live off the land," explains the video as headlights appear out of the darkness, "is a noble experience:"
I'm sure it is. But how the fuck is driving a giant truck into the woods living off the land? Unless you're drilling for and refining the oil yourself, this is the exact opposite of self-sufficiency. Really, it's just using the drive-thru at Sonic, only with more camo.
Then it goes on to evoke the ideas of "tradition, passion, and birthright:"
If you have white skin and a penis, nothing makes them tingle like the words "tradition," "passion," and "birthright" used together. It means something's about to get invaded or killed.
It's also your white penis that compels you "to look for an edge:"
And "to go deeper:"
Yes, we are innately driven to probe and thrust ever deeper into the wilderness, that great big unkempt vagina existing solely for our pleasure.
Just make sure to "leave no trace:"
Because you wouldn't want any DNA evidence to come up on the rape kit.
Sweet bike though:
It brings new meaning to the term "dentist bike"--assuming the dentist is Dr. Walter Palmer.
By the way, speaking of bows and arrows and the great big shopping mall that is the outdoors, those best made douches are still at it:
This is the bow that every generation learns with, and the bow that reconnects a seasoned archer with the romance of casting arrows. Unencumbered by technical aids, the American Longbow patiently teaches true form. Without sights, pulleys, or counterweights, the archer learns an instinctive style, shooting naturally and with grace. The release of a string-follow bow is forgiving and dependable, allowing for versatility on the range and in the field. The bow does not strain to pull the string past its centerline, resulting in a comfortable and confident feel in the hand.
So it's the fixie of archery?
I really, really don't think the sorts of douchebags who buy stuff from Best Made Co. should be allowed to handle weaponry. It takes strength to control a bow and arrow, yet the most strenuous activity these people undergo on a regular basis is masturbation. In fact, here's what happened shortly after they took the catalog photograph above, because his already feeble arm was further weakened by excessive wanking:
In other news, cycling fans everywhere were shocked to learn Tom Danielson was still racing:
As for the positive doping test, the only person surprised by that was Tom Danielson:
So what are these tribulations he's referring to, anyway:I would never ever take anything like this especially after everything I have gone through the last years. This makes absolutely no sense— tom danielson (@tomdanielson) August 3, 2015
Further Tweets from the American rider, who served a six-month suspension, from September 1, 2012 to March 1, 2013, after he admitted to doping during his time with the Discovery Channel team, state that he will have the supplements he takes tested for possible contamination.
That's right, he was suspended from September 2012 to March 2013. This meant that he couldn't race during the off-season. Big freaking deal. It's the exact opposite of those blackout dates the airlines give you when you try to use your frequent flier miles. Danielson's off-season suspension is the equivalent of telling a Hunting Fred he can't go hunting on Superbowl Sunday.
Also, if Danielson has indeed been through so much, why is he still taking "supplements?" Seems a bit risky. This is like someone who's joined Narcotics Anonymous, but still goes to Grateful Dead concerts, breathes deeply, and hopes.
And where the hell is he buying supplements that contain banned substances anyway? At the same delis in New York City that sell "synthetic marijuana?"
Synthetic marijuana refers to the many herbal mixtures inaccurately marketed as “safe” and legal, that produce marijuana-like effects. It is often labeled “not for human consumption” and sold as “incense,” but look more like potpourri. It may contain dried, shredded plant material and chemicals that create the mind-altering effects. People buy it in head shops, convenience stores, and on the Internet. It is illegal to sell synthetic marijuana in New york State.
These products are known by such names as bliss, black mamba, Bombay blue, fake weed, genie, spice, zohai, K2, Yucatan fire, skunk, or moon rocks.
Actually, this would explain a lot:
("A tainted supplement called 'Yucatan Fire' explains both my positive test result and my eerily red demon eyes")
Lastly, here's a video I received from a reader that is the exact opposite of the Cogburn Hunting Fred bike video:
On the Move with new Fordham Law Dean Matthew Diller from Fordham Law School on Vimeo
It makes me happy to see someone riding to work, but I just want to know who they paid off to clear the tourists out of the Brooklyn Bridge bike lane:
That never happens.
The only way you could pull that off on a typical day would be to ride across on a fully loaded Cogburn while shouting "Psychopath on your left!"