Monday, August 3, 2015

The Thrill of the Hunt: Does Strava Keep Track of Kills?

You could say that the cycling community is an insular microcosm, but just as a single atom reveals the workings of the universe, so too is the world of bikes a perfect model for the world at large.  Indeed, if you understand bikes then you understand everything.  Consider for example the phenomenon of the "Fred," which has its analog in every aspect of human endeavor--including hunting:


(Via Bryan the reader)

What, you're surprised?  Of course there are Hunting Freds.  Why wouldn't there be?  Men are men, and toys are toys.  In fact, the only ways to distinguish the Hunting magazine Annual Gear Issue from the Bicycling Editor's Choice awards are: 1) A slightly higher body count; and 2) More earth tones.

Furthermore, as you might expect, Hunting Fred marketing videos about bicycles are just as ridiculous as every other kind of marketing video about bicycles.  To wit:


Introducing Cogburn Outdoors from Cogburn on Vimeo.

"To live off the land," explains the video as headlights appear out of the darkness, "is a noble experience:"


I'm sure it is.  But how the fuck is driving a giant truck into the woods living off the land?  Unless you're drilling for and refining the oil yourself, this is the exact opposite of self-sufficiency.  Really, it's just using the drive-thru at Sonic, only with more camo.

Then it goes on to evoke the ideas of "tradition, passion, and birthright:"


If you have white skin and a penis, nothing makes them tingle like the words "tradition," "passion," and "birthright" used together.  It means something's about to get invaded or killed.

It's also your white penis that compels you "to look for an edge:"


And "to go deeper:"


Yes, we are innately driven to probe and thrust ever deeper into the wilderness, that great big unkempt vagina existing solely for our pleasure.

Just make sure to "leave no trace:"


Because you wouldn't want any DNA evidence to come up on the rape kit.

Sweet bike though:


It brings new meaning to the term "dentist bike"--assuming the dentist is Dr. Walter Palmer.

By the way, speaking of bows and arrows and the great big shopping mall that is the outdoors, those best made douches are still at it:



This is the bow that every generation learns with, and the bow that reconnects a seasoned archer with the romance of casting arrows. Unencumbered by technical aids, the American Longbow patiently teaches true form. Without sights, pulleys, or counterweights, the archer learns an instinctive style, shooting naturally and with grace. The release of a string-follow bow is forgiving and dependable, allowing for versatility on the range and in the field. The bow does not strain to pull the string past its centerline, resulting in a comfortable and confident feel in the hand.

So it's the fixie of archery?

I really, really don't think the sorts of douchebags who buy stuff from Best Made Co. should be allowed to handle weaponry.  It takes strength to control a bow and arrow, yet the most strenuous activity these people undergo on a regular basis is masturbation.  In fact, here's what happened shortly after they took the catalog photograph above, because his already feeble arm was further weakened by excessive wanking:


Finally, the fat bike craze comes to stretchers.  They're ideal for portaging carcasses over loose terrain.

In other news, cycling fans everywhere were shocked to learn Tom Danielson was still racing:


As for the positive doping test, the only person surprised by that was Tom Danielson:
So what are these tribulations he's referring to, anyway:

Further Tweets from the American rider, who served a six-month suspension, from September 1, 2012 to March 1, 2013, after he admitted to doping during his time with the Discovery Channel team, state that he will have the supplements he takes tested for possible contamination.

That's right, he was suspended from September 2012 to March 2013.  This meant that he couldn't race during the off-season.  Big freaking deal.  It's the exact opposite of those blackout dates the airlines give you when you try to use your frequent flier miles.  Danielson's off-season suspension is the equivalent of telling a Hunting Fred he can't go hunting on Superbowl Sunday.

Also, if Danielson has indeed been through so much, why is he still taking "supplements?"  Seems a bit risky.  This is like someone who's joined Narcotics Anonymous, but still goes to Grateful Dead concerts, breathes deeply, and hopes.

And where the hell is he buying supplements that contain banned substances anyway?  At the same delis in New York City that sell "synthetic marijuana?"

Synthetic marijuana refers to the many herbal mixtures inaccurately marketed as “safe” and legal, that produce marijuana-like effects. It is often labeled “not for human consumption” and sold as “incense,” but look more like potpourri. It may contain dried, shredded plant material and chemicals that create the mind-altering effects. People buy it in head shops, convenience stores, and on the Internet. It is illegal to sell synthetic marijuana in New york State.

These products are known by such names as bliss, black mamba, Bombay blue, fake weed, genie, spice, zohai, K2, Yucatan fire, skunk, or moon rocks.

Actually, this would explain a lot:






Lastly, here's a video I received from a reader that is the exact opposite of the Cogburn Hunting Fred bike video:


On the Move with new Fordham Law Dean Matthew Diller from Fordham Law School on Vimeo

It makes me happy to see someone riding to work, but I just want to know who they paid off to clear the tourists out of the Brooklyn Bridge bike lane:


That never happens.

The only way you could pull that off on a typical day would be to ride across on a fully loaded Cogburn while shouting "Psychopath on your left!"

123 comments:

Spokey said...

is it? is it? yeller?

Ted K. said...

49. For primitive societies the natural world (which usually changes only slowly) provided a stable framework and therefore a sense of security. In the modern world it is human society that dominates nature rather than the other way around, and modern society changes very rapidly owing to technological change. Thus there is no stable framework.

Weasel said...

Second!

Anonymous said...

true

Anonymous said...

Climbed damn near the top of the greasy pole.

Anonymous said...

Woke up, looked at Snob's post, dragged a comb across my head, realized I was late, made the top ten in seconds flat.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Top Ten, I hope...What's with the trend of taking pictures of black or dark camo bikes against a dark background, so you don't actually see the bike they're selling. looking at the picture of the Cogburn, the only thing I see is the fletching on the arrows.

EricBikeCO said...

Reads "Danielson", rolls eyes.

Buffalo Bill said...

Well, he is a lawyer so there is a reasonably high probability that he is also a psychopath. Seems like a pretty nice guy otherwise.

Clenbuterol Marinated Steak Yummmmm said...

Is that Tom in the "Don't Eat Yellow Snow" kit?

Kenny Banya said...

Spokey!

Kenny Banya said...

"This is like someone who's joined Narcotics Anonymous, but still goes to Grateful Dead concerts, breathes deeply, and hopes."

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

You Tell'em said...

"...the equivalent of telling a Hunting Fred he can't go hunting on Superbowl Sunday."

Priceless, this blog should win something, maybe the "Fred Peabody Award".

I'm not a robot wanted me to id all the pizza. I missed on the slice that looked like it had been under a sofa for a year.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...dang didlyearly

DB said...

You were great today, Snob.

Anonymous said...

Another "Good one, Snob!" comment

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

In there !

vsk

Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie said...

...Unencumbered by technical aids...

Obviously not made by Apple.

BamaPhred said...

Great call on hunting Fred's. Eat what you kill, or don't kill at all. These damn African Safari trips are a joke. You may as well hunt in the Bronx Zoo. Not the same as WDM Bell hunting man killers in the late 1800's. But that's the image they sell.
Where can I get some PEDs on the cheap? Not feeling so good myself. You have to have the resources of an African Safari dentist Fred to go to the anti aging clinic.
Just kidding of course. Have a nice day.

rooster said...

COGBURN!

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

"American Longbow" I didn't know there was one. I've only heard of the Longbow that the Brits used to mow down the French at Agincourt. "He that shall stand with me today shall be my Fred forever..."

Anonymous said...

Vegas Odds that the Minnesota Dentist is a GOP'er, Off Board, to obvious.

JB said...

When these supplements/steaks are allegedly tainted, aren't they being tainted with synthetic testosterone, testosterone, EPO, fish paralyzers, etc. that are very likely more expensive than what was supposed to be in the supplement? I realize that the buyer and seller both know what's in the supplement, and the price probably reflects that, but the excuse implies that:

The rider paid way too much for his Vitamin B, or
The manufacturer is a complete moron.

"I'm astonished that the hamburger meat that I purchased contained ground up (illegal) ribeye. Astonished I say!"

"I had no idea these cigarettes I've been smoking contained hashish! I will be talking to my dealer immediately!"

Grump said...

My first bow came with arrows with suction cups on the tips.

bad boy of the north said...

has the NRA said anything about the safari dentist?

bad boy of the north said...

..other than ted nugent?

crosspalms said...

Is it an accident that Cogburn and Eyesore have the same number of letters? Maybe it looks better through a night scope. Looking forward to a review from one of the other people who thinks going out after dark with weapons is a good idea.

art said...

Didn't Vaughters already tell everyone that it was pointless for "Next Big Thing" to dope because all the drugs in the world couldn't keep him from crashing?

BamaPhred said...

I think Pope&Young is considering removing him from record books. Pope&Young is Strava for bow hunting Fred's, Boone&Crockett for all hunting Fred's. Ethics, conservation, fair chase are key points. Yeah right. Pick two the third is automatically excluded.

balls™ said...

Call it tactical and paint it in camouflage and hunting Fred will buy it and wear it to the mall.

Bryan said...

"Yes, we are innately driven to probe and thrust ever deeper into the wilderness, that great big unkempt vagina existing solely for our pleasure.

Just make sure to 'leave no trace:'"

Somewhere in there is a Cipo joke.

Brilliant.

dop said...

Bicycles for hunting? They're only for peaceful use. The Army tried to use them, but they couldn't overcome the embarrassing "M1 Boner"

Yamashita Tomoyuki said...

"The Army tried to use them, but they couldn't overcome the embarrassing "M1 Boner"

Another army used bicycles effectively. Even, in the words of the General they defeated, decisively.

Fred Nifacent said...

Boko Haram kills 5,500 men, women and children in Nigeria over the last year because they are not muslim, or muslim enough, and no one is outraged. Where are the crying celebrities and the people looking for justice? Remember when Mrs. Obama had #free our girls? Does anyone realize those girls are still captive? Perhaps if we gave them cute names people would still be concerned.

Some one kills Mufasa and the world goes nuts. What does this say about our priorities?

Thank God there will a Kardahian or other B list celebrity disaster soon and then the world will forget bout this and move on.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Fred Nigacent,

I think people are outraged, it would just be a lot easier if Boko Haram had a conveniently located dental practice where everyone could leave signs.

--Wildcat Etc.

Bryan said...

Well if we are talking about army bikes...

Anonymous said...

"Well if we are talking about army bikes...

Why, yes, yes we are.

Freddy Murcks said...

Tom Danielson has been taking supplements in hopes of achieving the goal of fucking himself. Looks like he finally succeeded.

dop said...

Hey, Bryan...were those Japanese army bicycles running Shimano?

Spokey said...

well OK and 40th podi too. after yellow i got so smug i had to go out & pedal. and now to get the prized 40th. and at the start of the week. gold. now to read the post.

dnk said...

The Matthew Diller/Dean of the Fordham Law School was astonishing:

1. Not smug or douchey (yes, that is astonishing given that most bike videos strive for smug douchery).

2. The guy can bring his bike in through the front door of his building! And take it up the passenger elevator! Most NYC buildings send cyclists to the freight elevator.

Spokey said...


got my one & only bow (with some arrows though) for my birthday. you can be damn sure the old man didn't pay 700 buck for it. and we didn't have no stinkin sales tax either back then. come to think of it, no income either. how did the hemorrhoids pay for the garden state parksweigh?

Jobz Boner said...

Were I in the market for a longbow, I might just decide to save myself $500 or so and go to Cabelas.

trama said...

I went on safari and shot animal pictures. My buddies brand new SUV got baboon crap baked onto it in the sun at the ZIM/ZAM border. Shit was on there for a year. You want to "track" down lions? Easy. Go in dry season, find the Cape buffalo herds around high noon near the oxbow lakes/mud holes, look in the shade. Boom. Lions. Always.

Again, steps to follow:
Water
Buffalo
Shade
Lions

As for killing the cats, well, it never crossed my mind, but I guess that's because I have a small dick.

Anonymous said...

Tourists on bikes can sometimes be valuable and much needed role models too. A couple times, including last week, I've seen groups of tourists chugging up hwy 1 between Marin and Muir Beach on the clunky bikes rented in SF mostly for touring the park and crossing GG Bridge. No helmets, long pants and as carefree and indifferent to the climb and distance as could be. Inspiring-- even if they were clogging up the bridge 45 minutes earlier with their gawking.

Fred Nifacent said...

Wildcat Etc. -
we won't need to pretend to worry ourselves with nigeria (more so their oil) now that our leaders in washington are cozying up to that model of human rights human rights, iran. Easier oil, that's the american way.

Sorry too bitter/ cynical for a monday.

Matt said...

"Yes, we are innately driven to probe and thrust ever deeper into the wilderness, that great big unkempt vagina existing solely for our pleasure."

There's a reason it's called the bush.

caPt scrAnus said...


If I test positive, it's only that tainted Iranian oil in my car. How could I have known?

NAACP said...

Mr Snob,
Please correct your typo at 12:55

"Frednifacent"

General Percival said...

"were those Japanese army bicycles running Shimano?"

Possibly. Shimano started making freewheels and cogs in 1921.

But they were "Japanese army bicycles" only in the sense Japanese army soldiers were riding them. The commandeered the bikes from the local population after they landed. And the Japanese army planners know there would be enough bicycle around for them to take because they looked at the sales records on Japanese bike parts companies (possibly including Shimano) , fro exports to Malaya and Thailand.

Some documentary film of this here

Comment deleted said...

Longbows are cool (but fuck Best Made, seriously), and re-curves are great. However, 9 out of 10 dentists prefer a compound bow with a sight, counterbalancers, a release tab, car window mount, a cooling mist-sprayer, and an optional ball-tickler. The Venge model aims and fires itself when used with the appropriate phone app, and can be set to automatically zero-in on tracking collars.

P. Bateman said...

i'd use that longbow to shoot the South Carolina lizard man which was definitively caught on film according to several sources. evidence doesnt get much more clear and that hunter totally had a shot at him. he was probably too busy putting his hunting bike up on its kickstand.

http://www.abcnews4.com/story/29690324/has-bishopvilles-lizard-man-returned-photo-apparently-shows-fabled-sc-creature

NationalStatistAgent said...

compound bows are ok, but for real men, a crossbow is a must

Anonymous said...

Oh well, the "Double-IQ Cyclist" got caught again.
Tough luck.

Best,

SurfinSafari said...

What is it with these girly men, carbon fibre, and designer performance outdoor camo colorway clothing. I remember getting up in the morning, putting on my loin cloth, or not, chipping a flint spear point with my teeth, and using it to cut a nice spear shaft. Then I would go looking for "breakfast". These Fred's are as soft as their spoor.

Dwight Shrute said...

Come to my Beet Farm/ Bed & Breakfast. We have our own crossbow range.

Anonymous said...

Real men kill savage beasts like Mario Gaypollini with their bare hands!
And then compulsively jerk off over their corpses for days (with lube, no need to get raw).

Tarzan said...

AAAAaaaaaEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!

dop said...

I have a storebrand cabelas compound bow, that I purchased to shoot deer in my backyard. (I haven't fired a shot yet). I crapped up my daughter's genesis junior bow by putting sights on it & a whisker biscuit (there's an evocative term). I admitted this was stupid & returned her bow to it's unadorned state.

I did shoot a possum who wouldn't leave my garage after moving in for a couple of days. (I was setting a havahart & spied him on the workbench.)

This winter, if bambi chews my rhodos while I'm around to see him, he'll face Elmer d.o.p. Fudd, host of "Backyard Bowhunter" (the blog and the public access show)

Spokey said...

This winter, if bambi chews my rhodos while I'm around

that sounds exquisitely painful

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

I heard the scratch scratch of squirrels in the eaves.
Gotta set the Havahart on the porch and hope that the go for the munchies near the end of my workday.

RC Air->

Drone Fred, more than 4 rotors or you build the whole thing yourself out of crabon fibre with custom flight control modules, you're a Drone Fred. (One would be inclined to say Remotely Piloted Aircraft but at that level, these things can fly themselves).

Airplane Fred, if you have retracts or are flying other than foam construction, you are an Airplane Fred.

HeliFred - Gas powered helicopter or separate batteries for your flight controller and receiver, or are constantly doing 3D, you're a Helicopter Fred.

The comparison is thus - RC Airplane guys are like roadies, drone guys are like fixed gear drivers, and helicopter guys are part BMX and skate boarders.

I don't know why the ramble.

How come tourists from supposedly bike friendly countries clog up the bike lane?
Is the universal little bicycle symbol in the wrong language?



vsk

Anonymous said...

"Psychopath on your left!" i think that is what the unabomber used to call out on his town runs to buy plastic crap from Wal-Mart

leroy said...

My dog advises that "more earth tones" is the new "more cowbell."

But as I have observed, that dog won't hunt. He's not a working breed.

(Oddly, Google just asked me to prove I'm not a robot by selecting the images of pickup trucks.)

BamaPhred said...

I got tired of the deer chewing on my pansy and rhodos. It was painful, listening to spousy complain, that is. So I set up a timed animal feeder. I now host an abundance of these hoofed rats, and can't shoot them. They are like pets. And there is a ten point that is huge, for here anyway. Northern deer are much bigger. But they leave what is left of my crummy landscaping alone.

JLRB said...

I saw Dick Cheney on the bike path and called out "On your left"

He turned and sneered "Of course you are"

leroy said...

I saw Dick Cheney drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's.

His hair was perfect.

(But he was still a Dick.)

Repoman said...

I saw Dick Cheney installing 2-way mirrors in his place in Brentwood.

He just likes to watch his buddies play.

Anonymous said...

Okey, okey: "Double-digit-IQ Cyclist".

Cheney's Dick said...

I shot a man thinking he was a pheasant, just to watch him die.

Spokey said...

bama

We used to have herds of hundreds of the country rats around here. But even the greenies at the Duke Farm Foundation couldn't take it and had them shot. Don't know how many they got, but not a single deer has nailed my car in the last couple years. And now I only see individuals and small groups. No more thundering herds.

The Slim Cheney said...

Y'all act like you never seen a white person before
Jaws all on the floor like Pam and Tommy just burst in the door
And started whooping her ass worse than before

janinedm said...

BamaPhred, that sounds like the deer are running a mafia protection racket on you.

P. Bateman said...

who would have ever guessed that the % owners of Crossbow/Longbow/Compound whisker biscuit among BSNYC.com readers is seemingly around 85%.

Snob, you may want to replace those brooks and knog ads with ones from Copenhagen. smooth, smooth Copenhagen.

Reader of Blog said...

I too have the crossing bow.

Ted K. said...

"Psychopath on your left!" i think that is what the unabomber used to call out on his town runs to buy plastic crap from Wal-Mart


Wow. Going to Wal-Mart that would have been a 58 mile trip, one way. In the Rockies. Considering this was my bicycle back when I could go places, you must have a high opinion of my cycling abilities.

Also, the next paragraph, number 50, is a good one. I think most will like it.

Dooth said...

I saw a dick chain on sale
At the s&m store

Anonymous said...

Look at that... Ted K is a filxie hilpster!

Dave said...

Too bad Ted K. never had Capital Bikeshare or the like. It is expanding quickly here in America's Burgeoning Brain Tumor, although oddly enough their bike supplier went bankrupt, and they're having to buy used equipment from the likes of Ottawa to meet demand. With luck there will someday be a sort of tipping point, and bikes will become accepted on American roads. (cue hollow, despairing laugh). It makes me a little safer, though, to be sometimes surrounded by these slow-moving blimps. (The bikes, not necessarily the riders.)

I can hardly wait for paragraph 50. Is it a haiku, or maybe a limerick?

Dave said...

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, riding brakeless fixies over the cobbled hills of San Francisco, searching for a can of WD-40...

One of those crumpled papers found on the floor of Ginsberg's flat.

MC Hammer said...

"The guy can bring his bike in through the front door of his building! And take it up the passenger elevator!"

Yeah, it like that when you be the dean.

Roille Figners said...

81 - back when the 80s was still basically the 70s

Kevin Love said...

It is not only the Japanese who figured out how to win battles using bicycles. See:

http://www1.toronto.ca/wps/portal/contentonly?vgnextoid=8b6a757ae6b31410VgnVCM10000071d60f89RCRD

Arizona redneck said...

Narcotics Anonymous folks guzzle coffee and smoke cigarettes like chimneys

dop said...

1)MC Hammer...the president of my institution moved his office from the 21st floor penthouse down to a crowded hallway next to the cafeteria. It was next to a service stairwell that let him go straight to the garage to get on his bike. But no riding in the hall.

2) Here is the vicious possum I shot on my workbench.

3) He reminds me of the Robert Capa photo from the Spanish Civil War.

4) Keep calm and eat more possum

5)Why are there no Spanish Civil War reenactors?

dop said...

I asked for a whisker biscuit, but the lady behind the counter didn't have one.(She needs to speak to Cameron Diaz)

Mario Cipollini said...

The Cipo says "Keepa the clam and eat more pussy."

Robert Wagner said...

Today, a picture of a dead possum. Tomorrow, 10,000 protestors outside your house, you raging anti-possumite..

Fred Nugent said...

That Best Made bow is totally going to make me better.

Bender said...

At the end of the fourth season of Doc Martin, there was a loathsome, pathetic old putz of a character named Ted Nugent.

I'm sure it was just a coincidence.

Ryan8538 said...

Best ever. Normally I can stifle my laughter so everybody who works near me doesn't figure out I'm reading blogs, but not today! Well done, especially the cogburn bit.

Eric Arthur Blair said...

"5)Why are there no Spanish Civil War reenactors?"

Like these guys?

McFly said...

My white penis does not seek "edges" but it does enjoy seasoned archers.

Because not in CST you will never read this said...

Regarding the worry about being relegated to the freight elevator: sorry, but if you get the green light for the freight elevator, you just won the fucking bike commuter lottery! There is never a line, it never rarely stops on the way up or down, and you can spit the well curated loogie from the ride in right in the corner, who cares!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My pull for the century lead out.

Count me among the arrow shooting blog readers. I tried the hunting of the deers for a while but didn't have much luck. Can't sit still. I made my own hickory backed osage flat bow (Eastern woodland indian style) Very cool to shoot a bow you make yourself. Something every body did back in the day as Ted would say. If they wanted to eat.

These days I just target shoot with a lighter draw weight recurve bow.

When the collapse comes bows and arrows will be a handy tool and skill to have. They don't make much noise.

dop said...

Thank you for the pictures Mr. Blair. I could see a Basque flag in one shot. I thought you only paid homage to Catalonia.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

dop you should straighten up your workbench a little.

Spokey said...

ok i'm game

Spokey said...

for a quick sprint

Spokey said...

century and bam

Spokey said...


now i am really smug. yellow & the century for the same post. maybe i should go read it.

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...


wow dop

RCT is right. i thought i had a messy workbench (well i certainly do). but at least i was able to shove the shit to the left to get enough room to pull apart a pc yesterday. don't see that i'd be doing that on yours. it would be back to the kitchen table.

JLRB said...

Any wonder they named the Cogburn after a a one-eyed fat man with a will to kill

You'll shoot your eye out with that thing!

dop said...

Doesn't everyone true their wheels on the kitchen table?

For bigger jobs, I prefer the den.

Anonymous said...

Hey dop;

Can we get a (short) report on that Nashbar frame? How does in compare to that name-brand frame it replaced?

Thanks in advance.

dop said...

It's a bit heavier than the Specialized Allez frame it replaced, but it handles more nicely. On the Specialized, I felt as if I were on stilts going into a turn, about to fall over. The Nashbar frame (with the Nashbar fork) feels more like my fred bike when I lean into a turn.

CIPO's Mama said...

Keepa da pussy offa da kitchen table

Anonymous said...

Go Dean Diller! That's a sweet-looking Cannondale. Go Fordham Law! You seem to have a cool new dean.

shining trapezoid said...

Holy fuck, the Dr. Palmer jab cracked me up.

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rtwetr said...

n Asia, it's a badge of honour to work hard," said sleep expert Michael Chee, director of the Centre for Cognitive Neuroscience at Duke-NUS Graduate Medical School. "But if you value achievement above everything else, you're not going to assign sleep the importance that it should have."


http://www.musclesupplement.org/marz-sleep-spray/

fadf said...

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http://www.nutritionofhealth.com/pura-bella-skin-care/

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