Over The Bars and Through the Woods...

As you may have gathered from last Friday's post, I took advantage of the spring-tastic weather by slipping out for a bicycle ride.  It was still overcast in the morning when we rolled out, but by the time we reached WASP base camp the sun had begun to disperse the clouds like protesters at a Trump rally:

(WASPs tend to assemble at country clubs.)

I mention all this by way of a public service announcement.  See, owing to the slight dampness I had opted for a bike with fenders, pictured here on a different and far wetter day:

These particular fenders, as it happens, do not have those plastic breakaway mounting thingies at the eyelets:

Unlike, say, the fenders on my old Scattante, which are sitting in a corner now because they wouldn't fit on the Milwaukee:

In case you don't know, the purpose of these brackets is so if something gets stuck in your fender it pops out instead of jamming up your front wheel and sending you flying over the bars.

Well, guess what happened on Friday?

Fortunately I was nearly home when the incident occurred and I've only got a busted digit to show for it, which means I got off very easy when you consider all the other injuries I might have incurred.

And most importantly, my middle finger remains intact, so I can still flip people off.

So what I'm saying is make sure your front fender has those breakaway brackets so you don't wind up having to change baby diapers with one hand.

This has been a BSNYC/RTMS Pubic Service Announcement:

Speaking of rules, while you should make sure your fenders have safety brackets, you can pretty much ignore every single one of these:

In fact I'd go so far as to argue that the more of these rules you're breaking the better a cyclist you are, since there's a direct correlation between adhering to "The Rules" and being a terminal Fred.

In particular, this rule strikes me as being particularly foolish:

Rule #31 // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.

Why?  From a practical standpoint, following this rule takes up jersey real estate that might better be used for carrying fuel, stowing shucked arm warmers, and so forth.  And from an aesthetic standpoint since when is having bulging, saggy jersey pockets sartorially appealing?  Indeed, I'd go so far as to say that overloaded jersey pockets are second only to chainring tattoos when it comes to "charity ride chic:"

No offense, of course:

("None taken.")

And let's not forget that, when you go flying over your bars because something got stuck in your non-breakaway fender, the last thing you need is to land on a jersey pocket with a multitool in it.  (Unless you want a "tramp stamp" in the shape of an Allen key.)

Nevertheless, here's a new Kickstarter project based entirely on this "Rule #31:"



Yeah, because this is cooler than using a saddlebag somehow:

It's like a pencil case for Freds:

And everyone knows only the nerds used pencil cases.  If you were cool you grubbed a writing implement from the dork next to you at the beginning of class, assuming you even bothered to write in school.  Sure, you're a giant loser now, but it's worth it for the air of insouciance you projected in sixth grade.

In other product news, meet the "HexLox:"



No, HexLox is not some sort of accursed salmon that tastes great on a bagel:

(HëxLöx)

It's actually a new component theftproofing kit that lets you use your existing bolts:

And it seems like a pretty good idea, too...just as long as you're the sort of person who's good at holding onto keys.

Indeed, if only Femke had used the HexLox then maybe the UCI wouldn't have been able to open her bottom bracket and find the motor in her bike--though now she's just saying "screw it" and quitting the sport altogether:

"After consulting with my lawyers and my family, I have decided to discontinue my defence at the hearing in Aigle," she said, according to Sporza.be.

"I have decided for myself to stop cyclo-cross," she said, adding that the public had already decided her case anyhow. "The costs of the meeting in Switzerland will be too high for me. An acquittal is impossible, the bike was in my pit zone."

This is tremendously disappointing since it deprives us of the potentially humorous spectacle of a hearing, though at the same time I suppose nobody should be surprised that someone lazy enough to use a motorized bicycle would also be too lazy to mount a defense.

Lastly, here's Andy White of Fyxomatosis on how to trackstand:




Egads!  No brakes, no helmet, hands off the bars?  In Australia!?!  That's like $2,000 in fines!!!

He's probably in prison even as you read this.

We may have to do a Kickstarter to bail him out.