Feeling Flashy: Things That Go Blink in the Night

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the line spacing issues that have been plaguing this blog since Monday.  I'm not sure why it's been happening, and sadly I'm not equipped with the intellect necessary to figure out how to remedy it.  In an attempt to obviate the problem today, I am now trying Bl-gger's "new interface."  The sensation is a disconcerting one (like switching to a new brand of integrated shifters or a new style of underpants) but should I attain line-spacing consistency as a result then the discomfort will be worthwhile.

Meanwhile, yesterday I premiered the promotional video for my upcoming book, "Drunken Gardening," and a number of people asked the following question:

"Where's your helment?"

Well, obviously it's not on my head, but if you really insist on knowing more then I'll tell you that it's being buried with Whitney Houston, and I'll kindly ask you to refrain from further helment-related questions during what is for me a very emotional time.

Speaking of safety, last whatever-day-it-was (I no longer count days since time is a construct that corporate industry and the government use to control us) I mentioned that Knog had sent me their new "Blinder" lights to try:

Well, I finally tried them.

I've been using Knog's USB-rechargeable "Boomers" for quite some time now.  As a blogger who spends a considerable amount of time in front of a computer (literally dozens of minutes on some days) I appreciate anything that you can just stick into a USB port.  In fact, if I had a USB-powered George Foreman grill and a a USB-powered toilet I'd never have to leave my computer again.  Well, the "Blinders" also charge by means of a USB port, only instead of having to take the light part out of the rubber part, all you have to do is open the little USB "dingle" on the "Blinder" and plug it right it.  They also mount to your bars or seatpost by means of an ingenious hinged and reticulated latch-and-hasp system, which is something I just made up and which means absolutely nothing.

So are they blinding?  Well, it definitely hurt my eyes to look at them, so potentially I'd say "yes."  Sure, maybe not this blinding, but blinding nonetheless.  I also took some pictures with my "smart phone" device.  However, it turns out it's kind of hard to take pictures of blinky lights, for the simple reason that they blink.  For example, first I took this picture, and I got nothing:

(Not blinding.)

But then I took this picture and I got a phone full of photons, or futons, or whatever that stuff in light is:

(Blammo!)

Ten minutes later my seizure finally abated, and so I took a few shots of the rear:

These and the rest of the photos in this stunning series will be on display at the International Center of Photography in New York, NY until May 6th, 2012:

I'd invite you all to the opening reception but there's no way you're cool enough.

Anyway, once my blinding Blinders were all fired up I set off into the night filled with a deep and profoundly warming sense of smugness over all the other riders with their feeble blinkies powered by waning and moribund batteries.  Even this guy in the reflective vest was like a ninja compared to me:

If you're wondering where my reflective vest is, it's being buried with Whitney Houston (which in New York we pronounce "HOUSE-ton.")

Still, these lights are not for everybody.  For example, if you're a true retrogrouch, you may want to wait for the new Rivendell blinkies, which you charge by plugging into a manual typewriter.  Or, if you don't like to be an "early adopter," you can wait until the "2.0" version of the Knog Blinders, which I understand will come with a special ultra-bright and super-blinding setting called "Oedipus:"

("D'oh!"--Oedipus)

Now that's what I call motherfucking bright.

On a far more serious note (not like incest and self-mutilation isn't serious), as you may know, here in New York City it's almost impossible to actually get in trouble for mowing somebody down with your car, even if you have a suspended license or you simply decide to drive away.  Well, the City Council is finally asking the NYPD to account for this, and Gothamist recently published an excellent article about the hearing that ensued:

Given the number of people killed by cars in New York City you already knew the recent bicycle crackdown was crazy, but you may not have realized just how crazy it was:

The NYPD issued more summonses to cyclists than truck drivers last year: truckers got 14,962 moving violation summonses and 10,415 Criminal Court summonses, while cyclists got 13,743 moving violation summonses and a whopping 34,813 Criminal Court summonses. Priorities!

Wow.  Also, Paul Steely White of Transportation Alternatives raised a good question:

"The NYPD is among the most sophisticated law enforcement operations in the country," concluded White, the director of Transportation Alternatives. "It’s the sixth largest standing army in the world, it has officers stationed in scores of foreign nations and it can shoot down small aircraft. The question for us today is if its officers can do more to keep New Yorkers safe on our own streets and deter drivers from killing hundreds and injuring thousands of innocent people every year?"

Of course, the NYPD already has a great plan to keep us safe on the streets, which is to ticket us all until we finally stop riding bikes.

But what if you want to keep riding a bike anyway?  What can you do to make cycling safer?  Well, you can invest in "the world's first theft-resistant bike light:"



"While we love city cycling, it can be dangerous," says the video as a fixie rider in stripey sock dives in front of a cab for no reason.  "Cars bully us, thieves steal from us, and really, we're sick of it.  So we asked ourselves the question, 'How can we fight back?'"

Well, I'd start by taking my lights off when I go inside, but then again I'm not very smart.  I have also, admittedly, failed to take a light off only to find it gone when I returned.  But this actually happened to me in San Francisco, not New York, and the thief struck while I enjoyed a post-BRA burrito.  I thought it happened to me in New York once too, and I think I even wrote about the incident on this very blog, but then I found the light in my bag like two weeks later.

The inventors, however, are smart.  In fact, they're so smart they met at MIT--though now that I think about it they don't specify whether they actually attended MIT, so it's always possible they just bumped into each other while buying MIT t-shirts and then struck up a friendship:

Still, this is certainly a cut above the typical Kickstarter pitch, and I did enjoy the shower scene:

If they can equip it with an Oedipus setting then maybe the'll be onto something.

Coming and Going: Socks, Cups, and Belts

In these high-tech days of "electronic mail," "instant massages," and "telephone calls," going to your physical mailing box can be an experience fraught with stress and anxiety. Sure, an email can contain a nasty virus or a Nigerian scam, but at least you don't have to actually touch or smell anything. On the other hand, your analog mailbox can contain pretty much anything. It could be an unexpected financial windfall, or it could be a notice from a collection agency, or it could just be a note that says "Eff you blog boy" that's been lovingly seasoned with anthrax.

Fortunately, yesterday was a "best case scenario" for me down at the old mailin' hole. In addition to the small packet of "Wednesday weed" that I had mailed myself from Amsterdam, it also contained a pair of socks. And these weren't pre-worn, funky, unlaundered socks from strangers like I usually receive, either. They were brand-spunking-new collectable foot sockings still in the original packaging!

The socks, as you may have figured out by now, were from the excellent Cycling Inquisition blog, and you can get some here along with other body part coverings. Best of all, they have the blog's URL right on the foot part!

That's so when you're chatting on the group ride and you want to tell someone about that awesome blog you read, and they ask for the URL, but you can't remember, all you have to do is just whip off a Sidi and stick your foot in their face.

Also, as far as I know, they're fully compatible with the new All Hail the Black Market kits:

So be sure to promote one or both of these great blogs on your next ride. (As for this blog, it's far from great. Anyway, as you can tell from my new bikes I'm officially going "full douche" now, so I'm no longer calling this a blog. Instead, I now refer to it as a "cycling-themed electronic prose manifestation.")

Or you can just stick with the Primal Wear, whatever works for you.

But wait, there's more! In addition to the socks, there was something else in my mailbox. Something special. Something imbued with feminine mystique. Something that came in a small pouch labeled "Diva," which you can see here in the clutches of my helper monkey, Vito:

I opened the pouch and gently removed the object inside with trembling fingers, and the music of Juliana Hatfield began to play as if from nowhere. Then, Vito grabbed it from me and put it on his head like a hat:

Still, I was at a loss. Was it a collapsible silicone shot glass? Was it something you'd use to perform a hydraulic disc brake overhaul? I then thought about the process of bleeding brakes, and that's when it hit me:

It was a menstrual cup!

You may recall that some time ago, I mentioned a blog called "Sustainable Cycles," chronicling the adventures of two women who had embarked upon a project to "Bicycle Down the West Coast, Meet Women, Talk about Menstrual Cups, and Live on $4 a Day:"

Well, not only did they appreciate the mention, but the also asked me if they could show their gratitude by sending me my very own menstrual cup.

Um, fuck yeah!

At this point you may be wondering, "What use could you possibly have for a menstrual cup?" Well, firstly, there's this. Secondly, there's the big, big savings:

Over a lifetime, the average woman spends about 2000 dollars on single use pads and tampons, creating an enormous truck-load of trash. Menstrual cups are made of non-absorbent latex or silicon and last for up to 10 years: quite a deal for $35 dollars!

And there's your custom bicycle frame.

In all seriousness, it makes me feel all tingly inside that two people are not only touring by bicycle in order to promote something they believe in, but that they're doing so with good cheer and in good humor. Then again, that inner tingling could just be a sign that it's menstrual cup time. Either way, it's a refreshing alternative to the usual touring logs in which people boast about their mileage, document the minutiae of their bicycle set-ups, and generally suffer from the delusion that their cycling vacations are on par with the exploits of the great explorers.

By the way, the menstrual cup they sent me is made in Canada, which I guess means that not only is American manufacturing truly dead, but that we also technically can't refer to the United States as "Canada's menstrual cup."

Speaking of monthly cycles, it would appear that my one month testing period for the Avenging Disco Belt-Drive Bike is now at an end, which means it's time to pack it up and send it back to these guys:

The bike, as you may recall if you didn't bother to click on the above link, is the Base Urban something-or-other, and the month I had with it passed too quickly--not because I loved the bike (frankly I did not), but because I spent like half that time in Europe. I did use it last night to transport myself to a social engagement, and here's what it looks like with a "filth prophylactic" on the seatpost:

From a commuting standpoint, the cleanliness of the drivetrain is undeniably attractive. (By the way, the belt is now mostly quiet, except on inclines, when it makes a sound pretty much exactly like derailleur rub.) Other than that, the bike was a bit like a roommate you go out of your way to avoid. It's shaped like a road bike but doesn't perform like one, so for recreation you'd naturally opt for a road bike. At the same time, it's shaped too much like a road bike to be comfortable or practical for commuting, which meant it was a struggle not to simply reach for my trusty Scattante. Then there's the frame. I mentioned the untenable eyelets, and I also noticed that, due to all the wacky stuff going on in rear dropout land, I experienced repeated heel strike:

In fairness to the bike, I am highly duckfooted, but I've never experienced that before on a bike without panniers:

By the way, in case you're wondering, yes, those are rubber slip-on shoes shaped like Vans with no laces. The father of 17 children, I have given up on fashion long ago. And yes, I'm also wearing a rubber shirt shaped like an unbuttoned Oxford.

In any case, I'd like to thank the belt drive people for lending me the bike, as well as the Gates people for helping me sort out the initial noise issues. And once the bike is on its way home, that means I will have one less bike to juggle, though juggling bikes is a lot easier than juggling fire and knives on rollers, as in this video:

This man may be the world's deadliest Fred:

Though he really should upgrade those blades to crabon. He could always use the "spokes" from an old set of Spinergys.

BSNYC Product Retrospective: Scattante Empire State Courier and Sundries

("A Very Tarcky Christmas," spotted by Helen in Aspen, CO)

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned Mario Cipollini's all-consuming fear of an increasingly androgynous professional peloton, one commenter has offered a compelling view of the future based on the shocking evidence that Cipollini has brought to light:

Anonymous said...

In 500 years time the genderway indifferent Shepollini will not so much be remembered as an ancient pro cyclist, but instead will be revered by the predominate sub species (Homo sapien shemaleien) as the Adam and Eve of their kind. Shepollini will also be regarded by history as the founding fathermother of the distant futures most popular sport: Cyclocrossdressing. Some historians will contend that the practice of cross dressing on bicycles began before the emergence of the Shepollini bloodline during the single speed mountain bike racing era, otherwise known by future academia as "The Second Dark Age" due to the stagnated and regressed state of cycling at this time, but popular mythology will attest otherwise.
When some smug person tells you that cycling is the transport of the future, don't listen. It will in fact be the tranny sport of the future. And I should mention, Shepollini says that wet chain lube is categorically better that dry chain lube, for hair styling. ce

December 14, 2010 7:31 AM

I have very little reason to doubt that pretty much all of this will ultimately come to pass, and if in 500 years "the genderway indifferent Shepollini" is in fact not lauded as the founding fathermother of not only a new cycling discipline but also a completely new form of humanity blessed with two sets of genitals, I will eat a Rapha hat.

(Founding Fathermother Mario Cipollini fertilizes a new Earth with his hair drippings.)

Speaking of intensely spiritual creation myths, the holidays are now upon us. This means people everywhere are begrudgingly exchanging gifts they can't afford, motivated entirely by the socially-imposed sense of responsibility that drives our retail economy. In fact, even I have just received a gift, which was packed in actual marshmallows:

This is certainly the most stomach-turning packing job I've ever seen (and that includes the time at an old job when someone accidentally mailed us his own trash), and had it spent another day at my mailbox the rats almost certainly would have gotten to it and I'd be posting this from the bubonic plague ward at Beth Israel Medical Center. (This is the only place left in town where you can still get a decent bloodletting.)

The package, as it turns out, was from online Fred supply dispensary Performance, and it contained the items you see below:

As well as a "LiveWrong" bracelet, which I immediately placed on my Edgar Allan Poe bobblehead:

(Enter discount code "NEVERMORE" for big, big savings on gothic poetry and half-shorts.)

I was especially pleased to receive the lights, which are USB rechargeable. I've already been using similar lights from "hipster cyst" pioneers Knog, and I don't mind saying that I highly recommend USB rechargeable lights from the manufacturer of your choice. Not only do they liberate you from the hated disposable battery, but they also give you an excuse to spend more time on the Internet while they charge, which means that browsing online pornography for hours on end has finally been transformed into an act of bicycle safety.

Also, Performance included this. I have no idea what it is, but I'm assuming it's a prototype for a new Forté-branded singlespeed conversion kit that's even more crappy than the one they already offer:

Either that, or it's a pizza cutter with ceramic bearings.

Most significantly, though, Performance packed a chain rivet plier and lockring tool to celebrate the second anniversary of my Scattante Empire State Courier--an occasion I had forgotten, and of which they reminded me when I emailed them in the spirit of the season to tell them to never, ever send me a box full of fucking marshmallows again.

It's amazing to think that when, way back in September of 2008, Performance "dropped" its line of "urban" fixed-gear-ready Scattante singlespeeds and, in the process, stole material from my blog for their marketing copy, the cycling world reeled with disbelief. "This is the end!," cried the "bike culture." "Performance selling 'fixies' and quoting some blogger whose 15 minutes ended months ago in order to do it? Surely, the shark has been jumped!" Little did we all know what would follow: the closing of the fixed-gear "culture;" the Urban Outfitters bike; the Walmart bike. (By the way, if you're wondering what happened to my ironic intern, the short version is that I told him he could keep the Walmart bike pending his analysis of it and I never heard from him again, which means he either decided not to follow through with his review, or else he's met with some sort of catastrophe. Either way, he can kiss that BSNYC letter of recommendation goodbye.) In retrospect, Performance's take on the trend seems positively sincere and "OG" in comparison.

In any case, all of this made me pine for those bygone days of innocence, and to think fondly back to that day two years ago when I first opened that box from Performance and thought to myself, "Those dorks have a lot of nerve." I also thought it might be edifying to look at that Empire State Courier once again, and to see what's become of it today. Here's what it looked like in 2008, totally "stock" apart from the "hipster cyst" outbreak:

And here's what it looks like today:


Here's the view from the front:


And here's a disembodied hand:

As you can see, a mere two years in New York can make something look quite defeated and haggard, which goes a long way towards explaining the shattered appearance of all those recent Bard graduates in Williamsburg. For purposes of fit and comfort, I have replaced a number of components with stuff I had lying around--except for the fork, which I was forced to replace after encountering an obstacle in the bike lane and hurtling headlong into the back of a Bud Light truck. The bicycle also had both front and rear brakes until my cockpit was stolen some time ago, after which I only bothered to replace one, which is generally sufficient as the bicycle is fixed of gear. (The freewheel that came with the bike made a displeasing rumbling sound.) Speaking of theft, notice that in New York we actually have to chain our saddles to our bikes, which should give you a good idea of the sorry manner in which we're forced to live our lives. Also, here's what happens to a bike after repeated locking with a heavy chain:


This is a good thing, because it acts as camouflage--as you can see the bike begins to blend into the background.

If you're wondering why to this day so many "hipsters" and practitioners of "cycle chic" in New York seem to have such pristine bicycles, it's either because they don't really ride them very much, or because they've only had them for a few weeks and they haven't been stolen yet.

One development of note between the inception of the Empire State Courier and our present day is the proliferation of Velcro foot retention straps, arguably inspired by PowerGrips, pioneered in their current form by companies like Hold Fast, and fueled by the continuing growth of "fixed-gear freestyling," whose practitioners still refuse to simply ride BMX bikes even as their bicycles grow increasingly more BMX-like by the day. While most most fixed-gear freestyle by-products are mostly undesirable (endless videos of BMX-inspired tricks performed awkwardly), I thought that new forms of foot retention might be the exception, and so awhile back I bought a pair:

I've been using these on my Scattante for a little over a year now, and while I haven't exactly been thrilled with them they're also not so bad that I've bothered to take them off. On the plus side, they work well with smooth-soled, low-profile shoes such as sneakers when the weather is dry. On the negative side, they don't really accommodate the wider lug-soled winter shoes I prefer to wear when it's really crappy out, which was why I wanted to try them in the first place. Plus, they don't work particularly well in the rain, when even though they're synthetic they seem to get soggy and droopy which makes it hard to slide your foot in (though maybe that's just because my shoes get soggy, or because I'm generally a soggy and droopy person). In fairness to Hold Fast, they've changed the design somewhat since I've bought these so maybe they're better now, and I don't doubt that for fixed-gear freestyling they're the fixie-riding bee's blown knees, but I'm sorry to report that based on the ones I have they're not quite the "use them with every shoe you own" solution I'd hoped they'd be.

Anyway, I already had a gigantic USB rechargeable "hipster cyst" growing on the ironic crabon handlebars of my Scattante:

So I put the PerfAxiom lights on my enormous smugness flotilla:

As for which brand of light is brighter, I cannot say, since my method of determining whether or not a light is bright enough is to simply turn it on and look at it, and if doing so makes me wince in pain and see spots for the next 20 minutes then in my estimation it is bright enough. I'm happy to report that both the Knog and the PerfAxiom passed this test, and that lawsuits against both companies are pending. I also acknowledge that I am something of a "light whore" and would never turn away a free one. After all, lights are like condoms and tampons--necessities that we really shouldn't have to pay for:

Much less necessary is a headset spacer with an integrated bottle opener, but as a semi-professional bike blogger I need this to infiltrate "bike culture" events since most of them these days have a three bottle opener minimum:

(After 11 months I have yet to open a single bottle with this apparatus.)

In any case, while I enjoy the WiseCracker for its novelty value, I can't help thinking that if "bike culture" would promote lights half as much as it promotes bottle openers, then the Great Hipster Silk Route would not be thronged with totally invisible cyclists as it is now. (Though admittedly the "muffin tops" of the paler ones are eerily iridescent.)

And finally, here's the view of the Scattante Empire State Courier that the "Cat 6" racers get before they attack me and "drop" me:

Maybe I should cut back on the marshmallows.

BSNYC Product Review: Electra Ticino 8D

As many of you are probably aware by now, former President of the United States and avid mountain bike enthusiast George W. Bush has recently gone "29er:"

If only Bush had adopted larger wheels back when he was in office, he totally would have cleared that gnarly second term, and he might even have successfully made it through that highly technical "Iraq" section. (As Gary Fisher will tell you, it's all about the "angle of attack.") Incidentally, the bicycle Bush is about to drape those baggy shorts over is a Niner, and you may remember Chris Sugai of Niner (the guy who isn't George Bush or the other guy in the helmet) as the star of my favorite product-testing video of all time:



Few people know that Sugai was actually a member of Bush's cabinet, and in that capacity was responsible for much of our government's policy during his tenure. Trouble with other countries? Hit them with a hammer! Economy is sluggish? Hit it with a hammer! Hammer-wielding maniac on the loose? Hit him with a hammer! He also engaged Dick Cheney to help test some of those early Niner crabon fork prototypes, though the infamous "shotgun test" was not only unsuccessful but also fatal and Niner quickly removed it from YouTube. (A bit of advice: when Cheney asks, "Hey, can you hold this fork for a second?," don't agree.)

Still, you've got to admire a company willing to literally pound the crap out of its products, and I only wish Gerard Vroomen of Cervelo would do the same instead of producing fashion shows:



Amazingly, despite this display, the full pro team kit has yet to take off as casual wear.

Speaking of getting new bikes and testing things, I recently received a new "test-cycle" in the form of an Electra Ticino 8D:

Since it comes from a "collection" and is represented by a picture of a guy wearing a wool jersey and the sort of hat worn by people who are way too into "craft ales," I knew the Ticino was going to be something special (and by "special" I mean "pretentious"). Incidentally, Electra are well-known for their "Townie" bicycles, which feature that insanely relaxed "flat foot technology" geometry and are ideal for canine "portaging" (or, if you're not from Portland, "schlepping"):

(Woman on Townie schleps dog in Prospect Park, Brooklyn)

Electra also sells those Amsterdam quasi-Dutch bikes, one of which I actually reviewed last year:

(Wasn't I pretty back then?)

The Ticino, however, is something different. Here's how Electra's copy explains it:

Whether you ride every day or go for long journeys on the weekend, the Ticino will handle it in comfort and style. Named for an Italian-influenced area of Switzerland, Ticino's design aesthetic, craftsmanship and frame integrity are inspired by the vintage Randonneur-type bikes once ridden throughout the region. Stylistically, Ticino picks up where bike builders of the '40s and '50s left off with its retro-inspired hubs*, cranksets, chainrings, tourist handlebars, forks, pedals and rims. But this thing is far from a relic. When it coms to performance, the Ticino is decked out with the latest custom Electra components and will hold its own against other sporty rides with fast-rolling 700c wheels, a lightweight frame and a host of drivetrains from single-to 20-speed. All in all, the Ticino is a fine-tuned, smooth-gliding machine that offers a comfort level no longer found in today's twitchy frames. Take your time to study the unique details of each model.

*on Ticino 18D, 20D and LUX models

In other words, it's a mass market version of all those North American Handmade Bicycle Show "Artisan Porteurs" that people who wear wool cycling caps love to ogle, but for people who think "lug" is a synonym for "schlep," Rivendell is where Archie and the gang lived, and who don't know Velo Orange from a Jaffa orange.

Anyway, I got the 8D, which doesn't have the "retro-inspired hubs" and which was fine with me because I couldn't care less what my hubs look like. Here's the way the bike looked when I pulled it out of the box:

And here's how it looked after I assembled it, removed the reflectors, and performed my customary and elaborate pie plate-burning ceremony:


Here's the view other cyclists will have when you're "salmoning" towards them. ("Salmon" love Electras like "Freds" love Treks):

Here's the view other riders will have when you're dropping them--which, let's be honest, isn't going to happen:

And here's the way the Electra Ticino looks when it's waiting to go to the bathroom:

It needs to go so bad its spokes went from 3-cross to 4-cross.

As I mentioned, my Ticino didn't come with the "retro-inspired hubs," but it did come with other "custom Electra components," such as the TA-like (or T-Ain't) cranks:

Rims with a vintage-like Mavic-esque pre-exploding wheel era-inspired sticker:


A quill stem with a little threaded cap to cover the stem bolt:


And faux-leather grips with bar-end brake levers:

Together with the vaguely Brooks-like saddle, skinwall tires, and "hammered" (or hammered look) fenders, the bike will do doubt infuriate Randonnerds, retrogrouches, and the sorts of people who bedeck their bicycles with an airport carousel's worth of canvas luggage, but will simply look really nice to people who don't know what any of that means or who don't really care. By the way, here's the OBBS (or Obligatory Bottom Bracket Shot):

While not "beefy" by James Huangian standards, you may note that the bike uses a single chainring sandwiched by a couple of chainring guards, and that it also includes vibration dampeners on the fenders. Also, the frame is aluminum, which will doubtless have rendered any remaining retrogrouches who have not long since defected to Classic Rendezvous apoplectic.

I, however, am not troubled by the facsimile aspect of the bicycle, and while the aesthetic is a little "precious" for me my first impression was that it's a very nice-looking bike. I also found it very comfortable, thought it handled well, was sensibly geared, and was even light enough for the average "wuss" to carry up and down a few flights of stairs.

But to really test it properly I had to take it "out on the town" in the manner of a typical non-bike dork simply looking to ride a comfortable bicycle from one place to another. Fortunately, fatherhood has already rid me of the extraneous portions of my dignity, and I no longer give much thought to my attire or equipment when mounting a bicycle. So, clad in a pair of homemade "shants," flip-flops, and (my only concession to foppery) a canvas bag from Rivendell, I grabbed the Ticino and set out looking like the miserable aftermath of a collision between "cycle chic" and Mugatu's "Derelicte."

My first thought was that this was a kinder and gentler sort of bicycle than I typically ride, and that it was well-suited for the kinder and gentler urban cycling offered by New York City's new lime green protected bike lanes, onto which I soon steered the Ticino:

Incidentally, you may notice that, way in the distance, there is a woman riding a mountain bike on the sidewalk. Apparently, she was too afraid to ride in the street, yet moments before I took this picture she had ridden right through that intersection against the light and was nearly hit by a car. She had a look of terror on her face the entire time, and it was as if some otherwordly force was compelling her towards death and she was powerless to resist. "Must stop at light...can't stop at light." Here she is about to do it again:

This time she actually manages to cross the intersection diagonally, maximizing her exposure time to oncoming traffic:

Anyway, soon I was in Prospect Park, where I joined my upright-riding brethren:

Note the "epic" quill stem on this Klein:

He has more headset spacers than most people have steer tube.

Shortly afterwards, I passed an excited gentleman who regarded me wide-eyed and shouted, "Is that a Schwinn?" At first I was frightened, thinking it was an enraged Grant Petersen come to tackle me from the Ticino and give it the "hammer test." I soon realized it wasn't, though, and as I passed I answered "No." Crestfallen, he reacted as though I had just called his mother a Schwinn. "Not a Schwinn!?!," he exclaimed. However, I did not have time to explain to him that it was not a Schwinn and was in fact a mass-produced facsimile of the "artisanal" retro-inspired bicycles so popular with the "bike culture" right now, and continued on.

Of course, navigating Prospect Park is one thing; hanging with the "hipsters" of Williamsburg on its eponymous bridge is quite another, and it was with trepidation that I approached its purple girders:

Desperately, I clawed my way up to the trio of "hipsters" ahead of me:


Amazingly, I caught them without breaking my flip-flops:


Arriving in Manhattan, I decided I liked the bike. It was as comfortable as a bike needs to be, but it was in no way sluggish. I did, however, ride cautiously, and when I encountered a Mercedes with a vanity plate reading "Cupper" I kept a safe distance:

I did not relish a run-in with the "cupper," having no idea what it was intended to cup.

By the way, so bike friendly has New York City become that in addition to bike lanes we now have designated folding bike unfurling areas:


However, stoplight match sprints continue unabated:

As does shoaling, and on my way back to Brooklyn I was shoaled repeatedly and violently by a "Beautiful Godzilla" in the 2nd Avenue bike lane:

In any case, as everyday transportation the Ticino performs very well, and I'd be lying if I said I haven't thoroughly enjoyed my time on it--though I'd also be lying if I said I didn't find it a little "precious." (Then again, I am a considerable and dedicated schlub.) It's very comfortable, it has fenders, it's stable yet reasonably quick, and you can carry it up steps. It is not exactly cheap, however, and it retails for about $800--though some dupes actually pay close to that for Flying Pigeons, so I suppose price is relative. Plus, it comes with most of what you'd need apart from a rack. To some extent I suppose it is an affront to the more rarefied corners of cycling, but at the same time it's also a coup for accessibility, and it's nothing if not enticing. And it makes way more sense than a Klein with a flagpole for a quill stem.