Thursday, August 18, 2011

Modern-Day Apostles: Spreading the Word

Are you an American, or just someone who wishes you were an American? Do you love freedom, and hamburgers, and dungarees, and sickening excess, and access to anything you want provided you're willing to assume debt beyond your wildest dreams? Well, if so you might be experiencing anxiety now, since the economy is currently shakier than a cyclocross bike with a bad case of fork chatter:

("I am sooo fucked.")

Yes, these are scary times. Uncertain times. The kind of times that compel you to sob in the shower while fully clothed. So what's the solution? What do we do? Frankly, I don't know. I'm more than willing to abandon the social construct of "money" and form a new society based on trust and sharing and the bartering of artisanal handicrafts, but that doesn't work unless everybody else is willing too. So, until that day when we all go, "OK, so no more money starting...now!," all we can do is keep both hands on the bars and try not to crash. Also, we can buoy our spirits by remembering happier times; more bountiful times; the sort of times when some quasi-intellectuals could get a bunch of money to travel around the country playing a handlebar flute:

(Two-man handlebar flutes are the new "rusty trombones.")

So when was this idyllic period? Well, apparently it was the golden era of prosperity known as "mid-June:"


Yes, apparently back in mid-June Americans were so flush with cash that they could underwrite road trips on which people traveled around blowing on bike parts in order to "spread the gospel of the bicycle"--albeit these travels were undertaken by car:



But lest you dismiss this as yet another "All You Strangers Fund My Self-Indulgence" scheme, you should know that the artists have more than paid their dues. In fact, one of them has a degree in talking clouds:

The Kjalvötn script was invented by Bob as an ancillary to his senior thesis - which was about clouds (yes, as in weather) speaking Old Norse. I bet you are curious. I bet you want something sealed with sealing wax.

This should serve to silence anybody whose ever said that studying a subject like Old Norse was a waste of time in that the language has no practical applications in modern-day America. Uh, yeah, it does--making up conversations between clouds. Like, what else would a cloud speak? French!?! And could anything be a better metaphor for liberal arts graduates than clouds that speak Old Norse? They're both white, fluffy, and insubstantial, and they communicate in a manner that's completely incomprehensible to the rest of the world. If that's what he was in fact going for, I hope he got an A+. (Or, if he went to one of those schools that uses an alternative grading system, I hope he got a "delighted chipmunk" or whatever the A+ equivalent would be. I understand some of these schools are using spirit animals as grades now.)

But such is the complex interplay between culture and the economy. In times of great wealth an artist can find patrons, and the culture too grows rich with creativity, ideas, and entertainment. But in times of great poverty we cinch our purse strings like a schlub tightening his sweatpants, and our culture becomes stagnant and reactionary. We seem to be entering into just such a period now--and it's not limited to Canada South, either. As we saw yesterday, up in Canada Proper, there's a growing anti-pennyfarthing movement, and a reader in Germany now tells me that p-fars are not welcome there either:

I don't understand German, but I'm pretty sure that says that pennyfarthing riders are not allowed to get rad. This is a backwards attitude--almost as backwards as the fork on this in-store display spotted by a reader in an Austin, TX wine shop:


That bike must handle like a p-far.

But there are glimmers of hope and forward-mindedness. Sure, it's considerably tougher to fund your handlebar flute tour now, but if your message is sustainability and cost-savings you can still find funding for your "epic" bicycle tour--especially if you want to "Bicycle Down the West Coast, Meet Women, Talk about Menstrual Cups, and Live on $4 a Day:"

A reader brought this to my attention, and I can't help wondering how many lascivious and wanderlust-smitten "duders" must have been taken in by the ride description. "Bicycle down the west coast? Yes! Meet women? Yes!!! Talk about...menstrual cups? Whoa." Personally though I applaud these menstrual cup apostles for promoting something they believe in, and when you consider that a single menstrual cup costs $35 and will last you for ten years then you begin to understand why they're the Chris King headset of feminine hygiene. Plus, I can't think of a better title for a folk song than "Talkin' 'Bout Menstrual Cups."

In fact, I may very well take to the road and preach the menstrual cup gospel myself, and if I did I'd almost certainly do so in this elegant recumbent that was forwarded to me by a reader:

Yes, they sure knew how to build recumbents in those days:

("Hey, wanna talk about menstrual cups?")

You can even play the handlebar flute together while you ride.

147 comments:

Anonymous said...

Pubic bikes feature colorway correct nutcases

Anonymous said...

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

cycle

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Matt said...

Second?

Anonymous said...

Is that a bike or a boat-with-wheels at the end there?

Anonymous said...

More Sports model babe or Ima fuckin' killya

Anonymous said...

Top ten!

ant1 said...

snobby - "they sure new how to" and "You can enen play"

ervgopwr said...

Top ten!

Slippin a little recumbabe in the recumboat ad.

streepo said...

Meh-velous

BR455 said...

top 10?

mikeweb said...

Bi! Cell!

Anonymous said...

She can play my handlebar flute any day.

Wait. That makes no sense.

ervgopwr said...

and now...no more money system.

Will have to try that at lunch.

ringcycles said...

Wildcat Rock Machine: Just make sure to keep your eyes open & on the road when you get the 70's redhead babe to play your "handlebar flute". You don't want to have a "World according to Garp" accident.

move over Recumbabe said...

top 20 beeotch!

and PPV BABE YO!!!

grog said...

Ding! The babe in a lovely 2-seater. Thank Lobsnob.

Kenny Banya said...

SOOO FUKD

mikeweb said...

Mein Fahrrad ist Mannschafft!

le Correcteur said...

top twenty; read it!

Etherhuffer said...

Mestrual cups? How about menstrual camel(back)legs? Does Brooks make a red saddle?

RANTWICK said...

Is a menstrual cup what it sounds like? I'll go find out now (shudder).

Pinarello 4 me said...

Silence!!! I keeeel you !!!!

ATDT

Neil said...

two-dozenst!

GhostOfTyrone said...

I try to have a more positive economic outlook

I'm invested heavily in the handlebar flute market.

Anonymous said...

Rad means bike. "Ich fahre mein rad Rad"

RANTWICK said...

Whew! Menstrual cups go on the inside! I had an awful, exterior based first thought.

Still, here are two important facts:

"These bell-shaped silicone or rubber cups must be removed before penetrative vaginal sex"

and

"Soft, disposable menstrual cups may be worn during sex, though they are not contraceptive devices"

Happy lunchtime, everybody!

hot chrome said...

well, BLOW MY BARS!

hillbilly said...

ANT1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! back on the podium where he belongs.

Anonymous said...

I am sad to say that I am 43 years old and had to to wiki: menstrual cups. I mean, I had an idea, but..
and.. you don't leave them IN for 10 years, right?
HUGGY

crosspalms said...

I tried to hear the handlebar flute guys but here in Chicago the economy is still good enough to pay for the annual Air & Water Show (aka the Festival of Really Loud, Really Fast Low-Flying Planes) and they're practicing today.

Anonymous said...

whooo

Anonymous said...

Damn, I wanted to make a comment about Model Babe from yesterday but this MNSTRL CP thing has me thinking twice!

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Anonymous said...

GoT

Wooden Duck
What the fuh

Anonymous said...

This is a good site. I hardly ever visit that other guy's site anymore.

Dave said...

I was going to Google "menstral cups" then changed my mind and decided I did not want to know. But now thanks to Rantwick, I have an image burned into my brain. I might not nbe able to sleep tonight.

Anonymous said...

Thank you RANTWICK for ruining my lunch of taco salad.

And the people said "A-meh!"

Steven said...

I agree with Dave, ignorance is bliss when it comes to menstral cups

g said...

I spent most of my college years trying to get my girlfriend to give me a "delighted chipmunk". Didn't work out, though.

mikeweb said...

When they hit Scotland, the handlebar flute guys should hook up with this duder.

Anonymous said...

It means, "Sensible people don't ride bikes here and it's forbidden for everyone else."

Angry Beaver said...

WCRM said: 'I hope he got a "delighted chipmunk" or whatever the A+ equivalent would be. I understand some of these schools are using spirit animals as grades now.)'

It's worser than that, no one EVER gets an Angry Beaver anymore.
Don't want to damage anyone's ego.

Anonymous said...

"Reasonable people don't ride bikes here; to others it is forbidden!"

Didn't get any farther than that yet, had to go and look up "Vernueftige". Back in a bit....

hey nonny mouse

streepo said...

Does an angry beaver require a larger menstrual cup?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm a bi-cyclist. Sometimes I ride my recumbent. other days I ride upright. Its all good.

I'm not too worried about my financial future. I'll let you guys in on a little secret as I'm pretty sure none of you live in my town. I've been investing heavily in the Park Tool Company. I figure when we do reach the artisanal barter age people ain't gonna be driving cars; they will be riding bikes. Because my village has no bike shop I'll be set to trade my mechanical services for food. And from what I gather even in the upcoming no money period I should at least break even as compared with today's bike wrenches.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Fund my self-indulgence or ima talk about menstrual cups!

I am a rusty engine said...

"reasonable, do not go here rad, the others are prohibited"

My german was a litle rusty, so I used google translate, that did not work out well.

Even I know Rad is bicycle. the rest shows how little to trust google.

Terre Haute Karl said...

The front wheel on the recumboat looks awfully heavy. Appears to be equipped with a motorcycle wheel with drum brake.

Anonymous said...

that two seater is almost as impractical and unwieldy as a recumbent or a Big Dummy.

wha? it's already Thursday said...

What a complicated bong! Where's the bowl and how many carbs do you need?!?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That may be true anon 2:35 but at least the recumboat will keep your boots dry when it rains.

NOSQ UISH

Anonymous said...

Those 70's incumbents look like minstrel cups.

Cheech Anquetil said...

Wait, wait--

that wasn't a BIKE BONG those dudes were taking a hit off?

Gordie Howe said...

I had one of those PPVs and we did talk a lot of menstrual cups.

Anonymous said...

VGNL GRDN
MNSTRL CP
CNT CPE
GO RIDE

Weight weenie said...

Is there a carbon cup option?

g-roc said...

And could anything be a better metaphor for liberal arts graduates than clouds that speak Old Norse? They're both white, fluffy, and insubstantial, and they communicate in a manner that's completely incomprehensible to the rest of the world.

Gold, Snobby! Gold!

Test Tickle said...

DELI GHTD
CHIP MUNK

balls.

KD said...

Menstrual cups are fine but on heavy flow days you really need the menstrual bowl.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I make a motion we call to order the shareholders meeting of the Beecher Tool & Die Company as most of the board seems to be present.

Oh wait a minute, bgw is not here yet.

xyxax said...

Hey, anyone got a contraceptive sponge?

My menstrual cup has just runneth over.

Surly Bastard said...

Nice 'cumboat you've got there sailor.

Anonymous said...

Do they just use mason jars in Portland?

Anonymous said...

Not sure you can compare menstrual cups to CK headsets, given the inherent (at least I hope) difference in resale value. Maybe more like a pair of Rapha bibs?

mikeweb said...

Neither is the CCO (Commie Canuck Officer).

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I much prefer a Delighted Chipmunk to a Rusty Trombone.

Surly Bastard said...

Nice dingy yourself mate.

Werewolves of London said...

Ahoy, Accountants in London,
Are you as busy as I am these days?

Elt said...

As much as I found the discussion on menstrual cups interesting, I found that was eclipsed by the use of "delighted chipmunk". Maybe that should be used as a consolation prize for all those A level students today who didn't get a Uni place.

leroy said...

I saw an accountant drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's.

And his hair was perfect.

henry gibson said...

a poem

to be fucked in the shorts

or to be fucked shorting

that is congestion

ant1 said...

Werewolves of London - i'd like to meet your tailor.

Terre Haute Karl said...

the real question here is "is the menstrual up half full, or is it half empty?"

Longtemps Noread said...

«kickstarter is like SNL+SCTV+community cable rolled into one

Though those guys suck for real though

Fredly werewolves of London said...

woo-HOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jasper said...

No wiwm yet either - I was going to tell him that being conversant with, and not overly squeamish about, menstrual cups will help with some of those eligible women. Just maybe not the ones he is interested in

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Etherhuffer said...

Two girls, one menstrual cup?

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry, guys, speaking of tough economic times, i was just offering support to a friend in florida...

...seems he lost most of his life savings to university of miami booster nevin shapiros ponzi scheme, so i was pointing out that he shouldn't feel too bad because his son plays football for the u of m hurricanes & that as well as the free hookers n' booze at the parties on shapiros yacht, the kid's been getting handed some serious cash, under the table, so he can prob'ly help out his ol' dad...

...i suggested that it was sorta palpably ironic...

...my friend sez that brightened his day...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jasper, I am beginning to understand that post-menopausal women are enduringly less of a bother than those still riding the cotton pony.

So now I have three non-negotiable requirements in a date, as follows:

1)Postmenopausal;

2)Registered voter: and

3)Owns a reliable car.

See how that weeds out the crazies?

excitable boy said...

I saw a werewolf with a chinese menu in his hand walkin' through the streets of Soho in the rain he was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fooks gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein

Fred's dead baby, Fred's dead... said...

It's beautiful to see how far advertising has come since the seventies:

acquire vehicle > acquire females

Here's to an enlightened society...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wow, harsh on the French today. Hope you look up at the clouds in the ceil and they pluie right in your eye.

Baron Rothschild would spin in his grave to learn that his beloved entry-level Mouton Cadet wine was being made fun of here...

mikeweb said...

Tommy Voeckler opening up his suitcase of manure.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...& coco chanel just got branded as a nazi spy at the same time that gerard depardieu decides to pee on a plane & not in the pissoir...

...tough times for the french but i see it's got ant1 fired up...

...don't get in his way on those podium steps, ya might get trampled...

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...i hear tommy voeckler got sulky after the loss...

the loo said...

people try to flush us down talking 'bout my menstrual cups just because we get all brown talking 'bout my menstrual cups

Marc said...

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/18/fashion/wipes-for-your-beauty-routine-skin-deep.html?_r=1

Action Wipes said...

What am I, chopped liver?

ant1 said...

bgw - i had to do something to restore gallic honor.

Charlie Didrickson said...

Recumbent menstrual cupcycle ride down the west coast.

Bobby said...

It's been said that a "bag of balls" wins over a "suitcase of courage".

Just sayin'

Gold post today, Sir Snob. The Great Lob On High is looking down upon you.

bikesgonewild said...

...ant1...you are a one man revival system...

...other than you, they got nothin'...

leroy said...

BGW -- well not nothing. The French also have S&P's AAA rating.

So they got that going for them.

Which is nice.

(95...)

Anonymous said...

Greeaaattt post!

Thanks a lot Snob!

bikesgonewild said...

...bwaha...touche', ami...

Mein muder said...

Ho ho! Ha ha! Duetchlanders best rethink der idear of banning ze rad! Europe-atopia iz crumblink around zem! Zocialism will kill ze car and ze rad vill be kink!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

P far hate?...don't give in!

wishiwasmerckx said...

100th!

Jasper said...

wiwm - still rocking I see. That's quite a tidy little demographic you are setting yourself up with...

myself said...

Funny when using handle as fluet

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well, after exploring the "stripper with the meth addict boyfriend" demographic, I am now refocusing my attention towards the "slipping off into my dotage" demographic.

By the way, you know that look a woman gets in her eye when she wants to have sex with you?

Yeah, me neither...

Mirriam Webdouche'bag said...

RE - in re prep. short for "in regard to" or concerning. "Re" is a further abbreviation. Often "in re" is found near the top of lawyers' letters to identify the subject matter, as "In re Matheson v. Roth," or "In re Estate of Ruth Bentley." It is also used in naming legal actions in which there is only one party, the petitioning party, as in "In re Adoption of Marcus McGillicuddy."

CUM - no explanation needed

BENT - no explanation required

Rotharachtan said...

Nach bhfuil tiomáint ciallmhar anseo leis an rothar - gach duine eile a bhfuil cosc​​!

bikefixins said...

The wine bike must have came with IKEA assembly instructions.

Jasper said...

wiwm - well I usually have a blindfold on by that stage, so I don't know either

Anonymous said...

day after day, the snob trackstanding in his cozy little ghetto

ce said...

David Byrne is on to you Snob

ce said...

... but still no car

Anonymous said...

Since I speak "new norse", I know that Kjalvönn is giberish.
If you switch a and ö, it means "the wake".

... said...

http://cgi.ebay.de/Neu-Fahrrad-Fixed-Gear-Singlespeed-Bike-Rennrad-SST-10-/260838162352?pt=Sport_Radsport_Fahrr%C3%A4der&hash=item3cbb2a7fb0

fixie train is rollin again!

bikesgonewild said...

...whilst having both great respect & appreciation over the years for warren zevon, i gotta admit i've always wondered whence the fuck a werewolf in london, who would have the option of any number of delicious rare beef wellingtons in any number of quality establishments, with which to satisfy his craving for red blooded meats, in a town like that, would ever bother going out for beef chow mein @ lee ho fooks...

...it's almost nonsensical...are they slumming these days, is that it ???...

Anonymous said...

Sad, Snobby, sad.

http://www.dnainfo.com/20110818/lower-east-side-east-village/man-killed-by-truck-on-chrystie-delancey-streets

cycle

ant1 said...

bgw - i think the beef chow mein is just a cover. when a werewolf says chinese food, he's usually referring to the cooks rather than the food they prepare.

bikesgonewild said...

...ahhh, so, therein would lie my problem...the inability to grasp the nomenclature of the werewolf...

Anonymous said...

So late to the party, but still a typo for me to discover: "...silence anybody whose ever said..."

(I assume you want to hear about these things so that your posts will be at their very best for posterity (when the jokes will be even more obscure and the links all dead, but the golden turns of phrase will still shine), but say so if not.)

Unknown said...

Thanks Bike Snob-- you increased the traffic on our blog ten-fold.
A little taste of fame!

Check out our new posts:
www.sustainablecycles.org

love,
Sarah and Toni

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the urban dictionary def...just the image I needed :)

aprillikesbikes said...

When I realized you were commenting on menstrual cups, I was worried, but yay! You were funny about them without putting them down.

Menstrual cups are awesome. Especially for women who ride bicycles.

Boreas said...

We'll make you a handlebar flute if you want one, bikesnob!

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