Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Bottoms Up: Sloganeering and Engineering

I am not what people call a "morning person," by which I simply mean I am not a person in the morning. Rather, in terms of my mental faculties and disposition respectively, I'm a cross between an ottoman and a housecat that's just had a bath. For this reason, upon waking up I depend on three things in order to transition back to humanity, and they are: 1) a bowl of Froot Loops and root beer; 2) Joy Behar's irreverent commentary on "The View;" and 3) emails from readers containing pictures of wacky tattoos. I can't always count on the latter, but thankfully this morning I was lucky enough to receive this:

(All You Haters Scrutinize My Bicep)

This photo was actually sent to me by the wearer himself, and as you can imagine I spat Froot Loops and root beer all over my monochrome computer monitor (monochromatic blogging is totally "zen," like fixed-gear cycling) as soon as I laid eyes on it. It seems like only the summer of 2008 that photographer Tod "Sucka Pants" Seelie sent me a photograph of a lime green rim with the words "All You Haters Suck My Balls" on it, though actually it was the spring of 2008 (time sure does flew), and here is that rim in all its testilingus-demanding glory:

Like Proust's madeleine, this rim sent me on a flight of nostalgia. Back in early 2008 the fixed-gear "scene" was still open, and there still wasn't consensus as to which sex act the "haters" should be forced to perform. Proposals ranged from the relatively benign (handjobs and fingerbangings) to the profane (stuff involving fruit), with a few extremists even advocating for baroque forms of intimacy such as the so-called "rusty trombone." However, slogans such as "All You Haters Pleasure Me With Produce" just weren't catchy enough, so when the AYHSMB rim "dropped" it caught on immediately. The "SMB" part was just dirty enough to be offensive but not so dirty as to be criminal, and while it was obviously phallocentric this did not preclude women from using it ironically. In short, this wheel-stickering was "the rim job heard 'round the world."

Eventually, though, things changed. People experimented with other slogans. The "depth wars" began as companies like H Plus Son and Velocity competed to see who could provide people with the most sidewall surface area for their personal expression. The fixed-gear scene also began to close, and people who had been riding them for upwards of two whole years began to look down on those who foolishly attempted to enjoy the fashions and lifestyle they were espousing. The hated were now becoming the haters, and it was becoming increasingly unclear whose balls needed sucking and why. Once a rallying cry, AYHSMB began to sound a bit hollow, and eventually became the stuff of YouTube parodies:



And then, finally, this happened:

There are a number of ways to interpret this tattoo. On one hand it could represent a point on the phrase's shark-jumping arc that is just past its zenith, meaning there's nowhere to go from here but down. On the other hand, it could be a return to sincerity, since this person apparently believes so strongly in the message that he has placed it mere inches from his armpit. Either way, while he may be taking things a bit far, at least it's just some letters and not an illustration of actual ball-sucking. At worst, in five or ten years when people ask him about his tattoo, he can make up some alternate meaning and save face:

"Oh, that? I'm a member of both the American Youth Hostels and the Society for Mathematical Biology, and I just wanted to show my support for the great work they're doing. If you don't like it, you can give me a 'rusty trombone.'"

"I like the cut of your jib. You're hired!," the manager at Arby's will reply. All You Haters Serve My Burger.

Speaking of jobs and stuff I was pleased to receive, a writer named Gabriel Thompson just sent me a copy of his book, "Working in the Shadows: A year of Doing the Jobs [Most] Americans Won't Do:"

I had assumed that the book was about being a domestique for Lance Armstrong, but it turns out the author actually spent time working at a bunch of jobs that are, to put it impolitely, really crappy. In addition to cutting lettuce (yes, I know this is crappy because I once made a salad) and schlepping chicken guts, he also delivered food by bicycle in Manhattan. I haven't actually read the book yet, but I'm looking forward to it, partially because it looks very interesting but mostly because I'm quoted somewhere in it, which is why he sent me the book in the first place. Also, I understand Gabriel Thompson has a tattoo that says "Do Not Put Anything In My Flower Box," but he assures me this is merely a coincidence. If you're like me and you prefer reading about miserable jobs to actually doing them, feel free to order a copy, and perhaps we can convene some sort of BSNYC Book Club at a later date.


While I'm gloating over stuff people have given me, I'd also like to disclose that I recently received something from Ahrens Bicycles. If you're unfamiliar with Ahrens bikes, they have the enviable distinction of being found underneath Liz Hatch:

As it happens, Ahrens has pioneered a bold new form of integrated headset spacer/bottle opener technology. (This is the sort of stoner toy innovation we've come to expect from California, home of the "epic" burrito and the iPad.) While I've made light of the cycling world's obsession with beer and things that open bottles containing beer, the truth is that even I can be beguiled by the right top-popping contrivance. In fact, one of my prized possessions is my SSWC08 bottle opener, custom etched with my triple-digit finishing place:

That, however, has been retired to a safe deposit box along with my Metallica ticket stub autographed by Glenn Danzig, so when Ahrens offered to send me one of his "WiseCrackers" I gladly accepted. Sure, I realize that you don't need a dedicated bottle opener on your bike, and that you can easily use a popular brand of pedal instead. However, I don't always ride a bike with that popular brand of pedal on it, and even though I've pared my keychain down to the bare essentials I still welcome any opportunity to remove yet another item:

By relocating my bottle opener to my steer tube I can finally remove that pedal, meaning I'll only need to carry around the frame pump, the extra chainring, the 15mm wrench, and the cheese grater. Not only will this configuration be slightly more comfortable in my pocket, but it will also make it that much easier for me to find my single key:

Anyway, I'm pleased to announce that the WiseCracker finally arrived:

Here's a closer look:


I elected to install the WiseCracker aboard my Scattante "test-cycle," on which there was ample room:

By the way, I know what you're thinking: "Who would put a Thomson stem on a Scattante?" I realize it seems a bit indulgent, but rest assured that it is only there for the photo shoot and that I usually "palp" a custom threadless carrot that I "machined" myself with a butter knife. At any rate, after spending 12 hours reading the Park Tools website and posting questions on Bikeforums, I finally felt confident enough to attempt the installation, and here is the result:

In retrospect, I probably should have swapped it with the spacer beneath it, but I figure this way there's more wheel-to-opener clearance for extra-long bottles. Here it is from the front, hiding behind my excessively long cable housings:


From the cockpit, you don't even know it's there:

(Is it in yet?)

Yes, I am now the proud owner of bottle opener with a bike around it. While I haven't actually used it to open a bottle yet, I'm pleased to report that I have used it to hitch myself to moving cars and it's performed admirably. So if you see me parked I encourage you to use my Scattante to open the beverage of your choosing. (Nothing washes down a "meh-pic" New York City burrito like a Jarritos.) As for you haters, feel free to suck my test-cycle.

120 comments:

brant@shedfire said...

Get in!

frilly said...

Get out!

Stephen said...

Podium Bitches!

Anonymous said...

i wear rapha.

brant@shedfire said...

Muhahahahaha (I was sat pressing refresh for 15mins. Sorry)

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ant1 said...

nice work Frilly!

Anonymous said...

Stark Cavendish.

jon said...

I want a real-wheel mounted can opener

Jefe said...

Top Ten

ringcycles said...

Top Ten?

mikeweb said...

Nice Frilly!

@Brant:

Don't EVER apologize! Just please report to the drug control tent...

rezado said...

Get off!

Jefe said...

Now if you can only get them to put an espresso machine in your bottom bracket you will be set for your next century ride or morning commute.

Stupid Name said...

"Yes, I am now the proud owner of bottle opener with a bike around it."

Classic.

hillbilly said...

yes Frilly!!!

It is one of the rare times I have to disagree with you, Snob....All you haters pleasure me with produce is all kinds of catchy.

kale said...

I would have been first but Google Chrome won't let me post.

I'm going back to Netscape Navigator on my 'vintage' iMac (The MA2 of computers).

rezado said...

Check out the guns on the intimidator... do you think that he is a triathlete?

Blaiser said...

Top 20?

OBA said...

Meh-pic is the new black.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of the book, my fat-ass wife is always afraid of being raped by an illegal immigrant, but let's face it, there are certain jobs Americans just won't do any more.

Rantwick said...

"the rim job heard 'round the world."

You slay me. You really do.

youaretheengine said...

Patrick Swayze Chippendale Centaur.

The end.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't the bottle opener work better and give more clearance if it were 90 degrees either to the left or right ? of course, you'd hsve to be willing to sacrifice some precious wind resistance numbers...but you would gain on-the-move drinking ability!

Anonymous said...

I can open a beer with ANY BIKE! Bottle openers are for pussays.

kale said...

Does the spacer come in crabon?

It needs to match my bad azz street/trail mtn bicycle i built (all carbon/ti).

Anonymous said...

@rezado,

the only way to know is to check his calves for the Ironman tattoo or his Honda Element for the Ironman sticker. If that fails, check to see if he's a realtor, that's the dead giveaway

LizzzHatch said...

My...what a clean carpet you have

Anonymous said...

COCK PIT?
To all who read and write reviews:
It is a bicycle, you are not a fighter pilot...sorry.

christian said...

you're not a real hipster until you tattoo AYHSMB on your balls

mander said...

great post Snobby

Anonymous said...

thanks for pointing that out, I thought a bicycle was an airplane. Now I know better. AYFPSMCP

Ronsonic said...

"So if you see me parked I encourage you to use my Scattante to open the beverage of your choosing. "

All You Hipsters Swill My Beer!

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Anonymous said...

Great post today - "testilingus-demanding glory" is classic.

kale said...

Ronsonic:

PBR tallboys and Bud Heavy longnecks don't require a bottle opener.

ant1 said...

on the bicep tat forum page:

"Post a pic where you're flexing the bicep.

It changes shape to say "Nonplussed""

golden.

Anonymous said...

They say you can judge a man's importance by the number of keys he carries on his keychain. I just figure you have Guido the Helper Monkey carry the majority of them and this one is the only one that you can't entrust Guido with: the key to your collection of dog-eared Penthouse magazines...

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, ant1, I think that IS flexed.

grog said...

So you put the disembottled caps in your douchebag?

I am the engine said...

http://www.grist.org/article/2010-02-08-ask-umbras-video-advice-on-making-personal-lubricant-with-flax/

lube my vegetables.

Anonymous said...

FLIP IT!!

I don't have a suspended license from a DUI said...

Seriously!

Stupid Name said...

I suspect that the new installation of the bottle opener prevents Guido the Helper Monkey from being helpful, mount lower.

mikeweb said...

Is it me, or does it look like a distinctly round shape behind the 'B' in the tattoo? like a sub-dermal nickel in there... or perhaps he's a cyborg.

I'll go with the latter.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey Snob -Concerning yesterdays post -How do you know GaGa is NOT a hermaphrodite? Inquiring minds want to know.

Ralphy said...

ALL
YOUR
HEADSET
SPACERS
MODIFY
BOTTLECAPS

Disgruntl Ed. said...

COCKPIT?
To all you fighter pilots:
It's an airplane, you are not a mariner... sorry.

(fine post today)

Anonymous said...

Dude, that bottle open thing is gonna total screw up your bar spinzzz!

BradFulkerson said...

I have to know where I can get an "Intimidator" shirt. Is it from a triathlon race? Does it have AYHSMB on the back?

I am the engine said...

I thought it said imitator.. oops, you are right.

ant1 said...

COCKPIT?
To all you mariners:
It's a boat, you are not a vagina... sorry.

next?

BicyclesOnly said...

Letle Viride sighted in Central Park http//bit.ly/9SloNz

sufferist said...

For your edification:
The Intimidator

PS: Way to go Frilly!

Massive Epicosity said...

DUMB TAT2

Anonymous Coward said...

All You Haters Suck My Little Cakes

@Anon 1:44 I think it's Vito the helper monkey

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

southpole said...

cable housings? why are there cables on your bike?

ryan said...

good post snobbie, or snobby

Michael "Rooster" Vick said...

COCKPIT?
To all you vaginas:
It's a fight ring, you are not a cock... sorry.

Uhh. . . .

7sp said...

Hey, I got one of those for my Helicomatic! But if I put it on my (22.0 mm threaded) stem, how can I use the nipple wrench?

Quentin said...

The WiseCracker is better than this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dA2zy0hLbs#t=2m7s

leroy said...

I used to think AYHSMB was short for:

Amorous Yetis Hopefully Shave Michael Bolton.

But after yesterday's commute, I think it is seasonal pirate speaks:

Avast Ye Hearties, Salt Manhattan Bridge.

But I could be wrong.

frilly said...

Thanks everybody! First time podium-ho. And I'm not even a Ricco baby mama.

Does anybody know what the protocol is for who does the kissing? Podium boys?

ant1 said...

Frilly - Vito takes care of the podium kisses.

sufferist said...

Frilly, et al...Line forms behind me. Brant and Stephen, pucker up!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Solano Criterium! (that's in the State of California).

kale said...

I miss the IOJB.
:'-(

Anonymous said...

I actually got a little nostalgic seeing the AYHSMB rims as well. Time flies.
sigh...

Anonymous said...

who's the troll @ 1:19? Henny Youngman?

Anonymous said...

Вы продаете свой сайт?

frilly said...

So, Vito does the kisses? Here ya go.

ant1 said...

lucky vito

ant1 said...

snobby spotted in copenhagen

g said...

Spring 2008?!! All I have to say is it's a freaking miracle I still have a job after spending this much time reading this blog.
I miss "Kevin from Ft. Meyers"....

Anonymous said...

VINTAGE FRILLY (08)!

rezado said...

I knew it!

Damn Floridiot!

Salty Seattle said...

"meh-pic"

Applause to you sir. You made my day.

Anonymous said...

after ruining williamsburg, bicycles, sweatshirts, hipsters are now ruining puppies. Its true

http://hipsterpuppies.tumblr.com/

hillbilly said...

leroy, i'm not joking when i say that i am still tasting it. it's like they are trying to use their whole surplus on what little we got

Fat Chance said...

SSWC bottle opener in 2008- another clue as to who the mystery man is....

mikeweb said...

I'll be dealin' with the salt again in about 1/2 hour...

Coastiedouche. said...

Im not sure if the AYHSMB video is for real or a parody since hes claiming every cliche of the lame fixie paradigm.Deep V rims ,P.B.R, brooks saddle,spoke cards,retro hat, messenger bag, jihad scarf,80's fashion.You name it its there.He must be for real to do a song, make a video, hire/ask friends from the scene to be in the video.I guess hes for real and a walking testament for that pathetic scene to have finally jumped the shark.R.I.P fixie fucks.Your done.

C said...

Gack. I know a guy who tattooed the Cigar Aficionado magazine logo on the back of his right hand. Covered the whole thing. Now I see this tool's tat - wow - gives him some real competition.

leroy said...

Hillbilly --

Me too. But I find that allows me to focus on more important things like tequilla and limes.

Coastiedouche said...

Jobs (most) americans wont do. There used to be a name for those people... they're called teenagers. A right of passage to realize the value of hard work. Something some Americans think their kids are too good for these days.Your neighborhoods will pay the price of outsourcing.I see it first hand in L.A. Dont let it happen to your town if your luckky enough to live in a town.

Vito not Guido said...

Apologies to the Helper Monkies everywhere...speaking of jobs Americans won't do...

fierce panties said...

I'm a little embarrassed to say that my frame pump is actually mounted under my top tube. I must have missed the blog about frame pump as keychain. I'll need a dedicated pannier for that.

I am the engine said...

Jobs people made teenagers do - Bicycle Mechanic.

Thats were I earned my first dollar when I was 15. Now they are all 30 years old wearing skinny jeans, and dont know metric from sae.

God I am my father, please put me out of misery.

Stupid Name said...

Coastiedouche.

It is parody.

brian metcalf said...

91st!!

g said...

iate,
it's ok until you tell them to get a haircut, get a job and get the hell off your lawn. Then it's time to admit you are who you are from and that it's probably not too bad after all.
At least that's what happened to me.

Anonymous said...

Ice Pellets?

The Wise cracking White Chested Crow said...

Up before the crack of noon!

bikramyoganj said...

hey snobby, didnt you already show us that video about ball sucking?
Bikram

wp said...

three and 0.5 starz snobbie/y (what the hell?)

lucky to live in a town? bwah? out here in the boon-nays i can ride a fixie for miles and miles and nobody atall is one bit the wiser. as some country singer dude warned us: don't take your fixies to town son.

ate mexican tonight. all you haters smell my burrito!

Anonymous said...

COCKPIT!
to all you cocks,
it is lubrication
you are packing your bearings

Anonymous said...

As an american hater, there is only one job I can faithfully perform.
Line'em up boys!

Test Tickle said...

it's suck my "test tickle," Snob!

AYHS MYTT

balls.

obvious fred said...

AYHPMB
all you haters pop my bottlecap

Teat Oat Allure said...

And to think all those Tea Party folks are having tea-bagging gatherings.

Anonymous said...

Interesting post... Looks like flash memory is finally starting to take off. Hopefully we'll start seeing a drop in SSD prices in the near future. $5 32 gigabyte Micro SD Cards for your DS flash card... sounds good to me!

(Posted by KwZa for R4i Nintendo DS.)

Uncle Gus said...

Dude, I thought that was your actual key chain for a second, and was all like,"where did he get that tiny little cheese grater?"

Go the goon bag! said...

When will Ahrens come out with a version with a corkscrew for us "classy" types that prefer vino to brews?

sufferist said...

comment

bp said...

thanks for the video

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Можно разместить вашу статью на своем сайте?

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