Bike-Cocky: The Audacity of Hype

While motorized conveyances such as mopeds and Cushmans seem to be increasing in number, I have yet to see any evidence that they are actually encroaching upon the bicycle. From my perspective astride the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, it appears there are as many cyclists as ever in New York City. Furthermore, there are also just as many bicycle-themed Craigslist "Missed Connections" as ever, which indicates that people are not only continuing to ride, but that bicycles also remain an integral part of the urban mating process. Here's one such post:

Whistling on your bike/Clinton St/ tall & thin/ leather satchel - w4m - 26 (Downtown Brooklyn/Bklyn Heights)

Date: 2009-09-15, 6:44PM EDT

Hi!

I saw you ride by me down Clinton St at the corner of Remsen around 1:30 today. You were tall and thin and wearing a hat (?) and whistling and had a leather messenger bag. I thought you looked so cute and nice. I like to whistle on my bike, too. Also, you were wearing green/teal underpants. Sorry if that's lewd, but it's the most specific things I remember about your outfit (sounding worse) and might help narrow down my vague search. I was wearing an orange dress with black tights and a short haircut. I'm sure you didn't see me, but you are the first person I have seen in a while that turned my head. I was doing jury duty today and am not usually in that area, so I thought maybe it was fated? Below is an artist's rendering of what I saw (minus the soft middle). Please write me if you think this is you, or might be someone you know!

While the above post reaffirms my faith in the bicycle's cultural significance, it also shakes my confidence in our judicial system. The author indicates that she was "doing jury duty" that day; however, her powers of observation are clearly rather feeble. For example, she seems to be unsure whether or not the cyclist she saw was actually wearing a hat. Unless the cyclist had unusually hat-like hair, or was field-testing one of those ambiguous helmet-hats, the presence or absence of a hat is a crucial bit of evidence and should be readily apparent to even the least attentive juror. Granted, she may have been focussing on the cyclist's underwear, which she does describe in considerable detail, but to me this is simply proof that she is easily distracted and misled--a persuasive lawyer would certainly shape her supposed impartiality like a randonneur's posterior shapes a Brooks saddle. She also omits crucial information, such as what song he was whistling, but includes useless detail such as the fact the rider had a "soft middle." (All Brooklyn men have soft middles, according to the New York Times.) But most disturbing of all is the drawing she includes, shown here in greater detail:

If we are to believe that this woman has any credibility at all, then we must also believe that the cyclist she saw was riding a highly unusual bicycle with two downtubes that may or may not have been fabricated out of a pair of unicycles. And while his preternaturally long arms and legs might necessitate such a contraption, one would think that she'd have mentioned in her description that, in addition to wearing teal underpants, the object of her affection is also built like (or actually is) Gumby. (If she did see Gumby, that might explain her inability to determine if he was wearing a hat.) If you're not horrified yet, just imagine yourself on trial with your fate being decided by someone whose perspective is as skewed and distorted as this--though at least when she sends you off to life in prison for a crime you didn't commit, she'll be able to tell her friends what color your underpants were.

Fortunately though, some people are more attentive:

Boba Fett Accordion Player - w4m (Union Square)
Date: 2009-09-14, 2:59PM EDT

I was bowled over by your accordion skillz and your awesome cardboard helmet. I wanted to drop you a few bills in appreciation, but after buying my peaches and tomatoes I was all out of cash. So I made you a nice card to tell you how great you are, especially for playing the Zelda theme song. But when I went to go drop it in your accordion case, you had left!

Thanks for making my day! Keep rockin'!

This is clearly somebody who pays attention and who I would trust to make an important decision. Note that she includes all the relevant details:

1) The accordionist was dressed like Boba Fett;

2) His helmet was cardboard, and awesome;

3) She was buying peaches and tomatoes;

4) He was playing the Zelda theme song, skillzfully.

Furthermore, this is yet more evidence (if we even needed it) that the folksy instrument trend is hotter than ever, and that it may yet burn with the strength to engulf fixed-gears, mopeds, Cushmans, and "weird style diktats" combined.

Speaking of trends, the knuckle tattoo trend isn't going anywhere anytime soon (due at least in part to the fact that tattoos are permanent, unlike bicycles, teal underwear, and cardboard Boba Fett helmets), though it is being challenged by the foot knuckle tattoo:

However, it will doubtless be some time before the traditional knuckle tattoo is seriously challenged by its younger, smellier cousin. I'm guessing it's also safe from the giant head tattoo, at least for the time being:

I noticed this tattoo on the Rebel8 blog, which I visit from time to time in order to marvel at the audacity with which they plunder, rebrand, and resell the popular culture, as well as to gain insight into Mike Giant's creative process:
While there, I also noticed this "bukkake" theme bike:

Here's how Wikipedia defines "bukkake:"


Bukkake (Japanese: ブッカケ) pronunciation (1: IPA: /bu̜ˈk:ake̞/ 2: IPA: /bʊˈkæke/) is a sexual practice that features a person (usually a woman) being ejaculated on by several men. It may also involve the semen being eaten. Bukkake is similar to the related practice of gokkun, in which several men ejaculate into a container for the receiver to drink. The practice is a relatively prevalent niche in contemporary pornographic films, some of which involve hundreds of male participants. There is debate on whether to class bukkake as a paraphilia such as hygrophilia, sexual arousal from contact with bodily secretions.

Actually, the "Bukkake Bike" is one of the most relevant theme fixies I've seen in quite some time, since what Rebel8 and many other "street"-oriented fashion and bike companies do pretty much amounts to "cultural bukkake." Really, it's all about ejaculating massive amounts of logos onto things. That thing could be a t-shirt, or a hat, or a mass-produced bike, or even your own body. (You'll notice that the people on the Rebel8 blog get covered in random pop culture tattoos like a bukkake film starlet gets covered in semen.) "Cultural bukkake" is also the exact opposite of what the bike collectors from yesterday's post are into; in "adult" terms, that's more like panty-collecting.

By the way, bukkake bikes don't have to be fixed-gears; a reader recently spotted a geared bukkake bike on the Champs-Élysées:

Clearly the designer was inspired by the World's Greatest Madone, though despite some artful touches like the SPD-to-flat-pedal adapters and the mismatched water bottles I'm afraid this effort does not come close to the original.

Of course, the typical high-end shopper will hardly even notice this bicycle--it's just a bike-shaped sign. And while a crabon fiber bicycle might seem like an expensive form of signage, it's probably a relative bargain in the world of in-store displays and window dressing. Really, only a cyclist would stop to look at it long enough to be either troubled or amused by the fact that it would be pretty much untenable in the real world, where conditions are often too adverse for a crabon designer bukkake bike. Even the fight for bike parking has become cutthroat, as you can see from this photo taken in the East Village and sent to me by a reader:

I'm glad to see they're at least adhering to the rule of locking up in ascending order of cost. And as you can see, there's no bukkake going on here--it's just some quaint, old-fashioned pole dancing.

Sightings: Ice, Missed Connections, and UFO-Seeking Freak Bikes

As I've mentioned in the past, New Yorkers may be hardy in some respects, but when it comes to the weather all it takes is the slightest bit of cold or precipitation to bring the city to a halt. Simply put, we're "weather woosies." Train operators shrug their shoulders, the platforms swell with the ranks of the stranded, and cyclists hurl their bicycles from the nearest balcony in despair. So if you were foolish enough to ride over the Manhattan Bridge last night after the rain, it came as no surprise to you that it was frozen solid and nothing had been done about it.

If only I had the time, I would start my own "BSNYC Bridge Report," with real-time updates on the conditions of the various bridges during the morning and evening rushes. I would also employ a small staff of salt and sand spreaders to do what the city cannot. (Maybe Perscattante can supply them with bikes from their "Courier Series" for additional street cred.) However, until someone is willing to financially back such a venture, it will reside in my "queue of dreams," right between winning a Spring Classic while wearing a chicken suit and having all revolving doors banned from the city. (I'm deathly afraid of revolving doors.) And at the very least, if the city is not going to do anything to get rid of the ice, they could at least make it look better. Notice the unsightly tire tracks in the photo above. I know we're in the midst of a budget crisis, but surely they can find a few bucks to pay someone to drive a Zamboni back and forth across the span. Then we could all carry ice skates in our bags and just skate across with our bikes in tow.

Yes, if you didn't have studded tires or skates last night you were most likely walking across the bridge. But the good part was that it provided an opportunity to meet your fellow cyclists; or, if you're socially awkward, to ignore them and later post a Craigslist "Missed Connection" about them. Sadly, I didn't see any icy bridge-related ones this morning, but I did see this:

help me find a new bike? - m4w - 24 (w.burg, les, wherevs.)
Reply to: pers-983179108@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 9:42PM EST


so, yeah, my bike was stolen yesterday, my girlfriend dumped me last month, and im bored as shit. the whip was a '74 orange peugeot fixie and--heartbroken though i may be--im heading out this weekend to try and a New Better Half in the same vein... want to come along?


drinks are on me as soon as ive got wheels; hell, we can bring tall boys for the road if the weather's nice (whiskey, if not)... im thinking this might be a solid opportunity to find a sweet girl who's into things like bikes, me, being awesome, and so forth..


fyi: swm, ggg, 5'10", 135, red hair, clean, born to die. hit me up.

As the owner of an Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I'm always sad when someone's orange "whip" is stolen. (Even though the IOJB is not orange.) I also like how he starts his post with "So, yeah," as if we've all been waiting around to hear from him and he's finally deigned to speak. I suppose in his mind he's constantly being interviewed on a talk show, and whenever he opens his mouth he pretends the commercial's finally ended and the host has just said, "And we're back with the orange fixie douche!" I hope the ladies are paying attention, because this guy's a rare find. He's both clean and born to die. He's also "ggg," which everybody knows stands for Germanische Glaubens-Gemeinschaft. So, yeah, if you're looking for a bikeless Germanic Neopagan who's both clean and born to die hit him up(side the head).

"Missed Connections" is basically like a dark room full of idiots feeling around for each-other, and little does the Germanic Neopagan know that his ideal woman is actually in there with him:






do you dream like this too..? - w4m - 27 (cobble hill)
Reply to: pers-983153840@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 9:19PM EST


I am a pretty sweet lady still looking for that inspiring and magical man to hang out with Must love to travel and have good taste in music and books and love to adventure via bike boat plane train.. Let's geek out together, 2009 is the year!


no photo no reply

This is an amazing post. Thanks to the photos, we actually get to see a hipster's dream. This is something that even the most expensive sleep studies have not been able to reveal. In the first picture, we can see she's dreaming about having sex with Paul Rudd. Moving clockwise, she is transported to a Proustian slideshow of remembrances from her Midwestern childhood. This gives way to clouds, and then finally to smoking pensively in bed after Paul Rudd has had his way with her. Germanic Neopagan should definitely get on the "bike boat plane train" with this one.

The only thing harder than finding that special someone is finding that special bike. And when it comes to bikes, they don't come much more special than this one:

This compelling photo series was forwarded to me by the same reader who alerted me to the demi-Pista being sold in Washington, DC. (Actually, I think two people alerted me to that, but I think he was the first.) Obviously, the most remarkable thing about this bike is the frame pump, which looks suspiciously like a floor pump that had been repurposed for frame use by means of a bungee cord. But the innovation doesn't stop there. Another bungee secures the front light:


This rider has no time for diminutive Frogs and Guppies. I wonder if there's also a foot dimmer bungeed on there somewhere. Evidently, this bicycle is used primarily for scanning the heavens, since the owner casts his beam skyward. Truth be told, no stable is complete without a "heaven-scanning bike." As a fellow lighting enthusiast, I will say that the "hipster cyst" I mounted on my front hub blinded me once every revolution, so I'd be very interested in knowing how this rider copes with a considerably larger light shining directly into his eyes at his all times. Maybe he just never looks down.

For the rear light, the owner has broken with the bungee theme and instead gone with duct tape. He's also gone with a white light instead of a red one:


Just like some cyclocrossers choose a right-front brake setup, many heaven-scanners use a white-rear setup. This is because, when you're scanning the heavens, you're generally looking for things like UFOs, black helicopters, and weather-control satellites, and as such you're probably also on the verge of uncovering a massive conspiracy. Consequently, you're most likely being pursued by secret government agents. And while these secret government agents are shrewd enough to hide things like aliens from the general public, they're not so shrewd that they can't be easily duped by a white rear light on a giant, cushy saddle that makes it look like you're heading towards them while in reality you're riding away from them to safety.

Speaking of unorthodox setups, check this out:



The u-bolts and section of wire hanger provide far more rigidity than a traditional cable-actuated setup. In fact, it's so rigid that it doesn't work. However, this is actually a safety mechanism. All experienced riders know most of your stopping power is in the front brake, so this setup trains you not to rely too heavily (or, in fact, at all) on the rear.

And while the rear brake doesn't work, the owner still knows what's going on behind him, thanks to a rear-view mirror:


Notice it's mounted beneath the bar to prevent accidental refraction of the UFO search beam and additional rider blindness.

Lastly, the only thing this rider takes more seriously than heaven-scanning is tire pressure. In addition to the frame-mounted floor pump, he's also got a tire gauge:

Yes, there will be no "pump-pump-squeeze, pump-pump-squeeze" tire inflation for him. He needs to know exactly how much air is in his tires at all times, and he's leaving nothing to chance. After all, this is a research vessel, and many a UFO sighting has been undone by inadequate tire pressure. At first I wondered why he does not simply upgrade to a frame-mounted floor pump with an integrated gauge, but then I realized that this would make it impossible for him to compulsively check his tire pressure without removing the whole cumbersome assembly. It is, in a completely roundabout way, a practical solution.

But while I may seem to be making fun of this bike, the truth is that it makes me happy. Like the World's Greatest Trek, it is the work of a person who is unconcerned with rules and convention and needs a bike suited to his own unique purposes only. See, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, and what might be right for you may not be right for some. In a world full of roadies, and trackies, and mountain bikers, and clothing labels, and tire labels carefully aligned with valve stems, and bib shorts worn under jerseys instead of over them, these two freak bikes stand out as beacons of freedom. These are the "lone wolves" of the cycling world. So next time you see some guy riding around on a hybrid with dual disc wheels, wearing half shorts, a football helmet, and no shirt while listening to a Sony Sports Discman that he's Velcroed to his bicep, don't laugh at him--salute him. But keep a safe distance, because he's probably crazy.

Worst of NYC Craigslist: More Sickly-Sweet, Gooey Bike Love

Okay, if you're anything like me, after all this heavy talk about marketing you need a little palate cleanser before the weekend. And believe it or not, I was visiting Craigslist's "Missed Connections" sections for a voyeur's view of how cyclists court each-other (or fail to court each-other) even before Bike Snob Chicago. Depending on your own disposition, you can either view these would-be encounters as tragicomically unsewn kernels of love, or as incredibly fortunate moments in which two more idiots fail to meet, couple and procreate. Here are some of the latest examples so you can read and decide for yourself:

girl on bike: purple rims, white moccasins - m4w (Greenwich Village)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-11-01, 11:25PM EDT

i saw you ride by near 13th st. & 5th ave this afternoon. we pretty much need to be friends or something.

She also pretty much needs to stop riding a fixed-gear in leather socks. Then again, anyone so resolute in her own impracticality would probably not be attracted to your coy wishy-washiness. Next time do a rain dance and when she takes cover from the storm place a Navajo blanket over her shoulders and present her with a beaded and fringed u-lock holster. And try to keep your powder dry, Dances With Wolves.

cute boy on bike // bird on arm? - w4m
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-10-31, 3:42PM EDT

i smiled at you

you were in motions

i couldn't do this in person

soooooooooooo...

find me?

i was wearing a _______ hat...

If that was an actual bird on his arm and not a tattoo, and if the word that fits in that blank space is "pirate," then I've only got two words: it's on!

Biking Downtown on West Side Highway While I was Running Uptown - m4w (Midtown West)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-10-28, 9:31PM EDT

You were biking downtown on the West Side Highway while I was running uptown. I had a rucksack on, training for adventure race. You had a cute smile on. Our eyes locked as long as we were in visual of each other until you whisked away in your bike. Let me know if you see this. Maybe tea or coffee?

"Mick, was that you?!?"

Worst of NYC Craiglist: More Smarmy Bike Love

Every so often, instead of wading through the congealing muck of the Craigslist bicycles section, I like to go to “Missed Connections” and do a search for “bike.” The cynical side of me is amused at the notion of people riding around on vanity bikes, desperately hoping to be noticed. The cyclist in me enjoys seeing bikes in an unexpected context. (Like when you’re watching random TV show or movie and something bike-related comes up.) And, yes, the tiny poppy seed of sentimentality lodged deep inside my irascible, charred, and toxic soul does hope that somewhere out there two people on bikes will find each-other and find some measure of fulfillment. (At least until their nascent love matures into mutual disgust.)

But mostly I stumbled upon this awhile back and figured “Missed Connections” would be a good place to laugh at people. (And no, I would never place a fake ad on Craigslist. I am a curmudgeon, but I'm not a troll.)

Hott Bushwick Bike Commute - m4w - 25
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-09, 10:39PM EDT

Me: Hot cyclist on custom track bike that I hand built, wearing short shorts, bright colors, and lightly covered in sweat. Monday through Friday, 8:10-8:30am.

You: Every single babe that I see heading down the street or up the Williamsburg Bridge with a nice ass, chiseled calves, and tight clothes. Cyclists preferred.

Feel free to give me the updown, followed by your choice in cat calls. Don't worry, I wont bite. I just want to know who is worth stopping for. MEOW!

Cycling has long needed its own Leon Phelps, and we may have finally found him. The veracity of this post is questionable, since if he were for real I’d think he’d be more specific about his route. But for any ladies out there in the ‘Wick hoping he is, keep your eyes open for Richard Simmons on a track bike.

Messenger boy and girl in the window - w4m - 21 (East Village)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-08, 9:17PM EDT

Looking for the bike messenger who chained his bike to the fence in front of my window. Showed up twice this evening [since 8pm] and you are super cute. You had a red shirt on. Please see this.

8pm? That is not a messenger, that is a marijuana delivery person.

pink bike celeste handle bar - m4w
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-08, 3:03AM EDT

it seemed like i was seeing a lot of you for a while. we were riding in the same direction towards greenpoint on kent several times. i said good morning to you once as i was passing by. then we both had to wait on the polaski bridge one afternoon a couple of weeks ago while a boat was passing through. we mostly talked about you bike. i didn't ask for your number because i was sure i'd see you again soon. where have you been?

Sounds like a passionate conversation. Your insights into her bike must have really captivated her. Savor your memories of the Pulaski bridge and the garbage scow plying the unctuous waters of Newtown creek. Unfortunately, you probably won’t ever see her again because she’s changed her route to avoid you. That scow has sailed. (You could always try contacting the girl looking for the weed delivery service guy, though. Who knows?)

Worst of NYC Craigslist SPECIAL EDITION: More Bike Love

For many of us, cycling is something we love. And with anything you love, there are pitfalls to be avoided at all costs. In cycling, one of these pitfalls is trying to commingle love of the bike with other, incompatible aspects of life--like relationships. In particular, seeing a bicycle as some sort of conduit into a life of romantic bliss is a dangerous delusion. Just because you have a bike, or he or she has a bike, or you both have a bike, doesn't mean anything. Coupled with that, as humans we seem to always want the worst thing for us: think fatty foods, intoxicants, and Ksyriums. The result is, if you're predicating a seduction on a bicycle, more likely than not, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Nonetheless, you can see people heading into this punji stick trap pretty much every day in the Craigslist "Missed Connections" section:

You ran over my cat with your fixed gear track bike - m4w - 24
Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-07-16, 11:04AM EDT
You were the tall, skinny girl in the skinny jeans and winter cap who ran over my cat last week because you could not stop your fixed gear track bike in time. Don't you think you should pay my vet bills? Also, I thought you were cute, even if in a stinky and reckless sort of way. Maybe if we get over this hump we can go hang out together and stuff. Do you like Japanther?

Yes, I already posted this one, but I'm posting it again since he added the bit about "Do you like Japanther?" In fact he's posted this a few times since I linked to it last. Obviously it's a fake, but what's this guy's motivation? Laughs? Attention? Is he trying to solicit serious replies? Regardless, it's a perfect example of people wanting the worst thing for them--like making a keirin bike with no tire clearance, no braze-ons, and no provision for a brake your only ride. She ran over his cat, and guaranteed if they get together she'll end up severing some part of his body in her fixed-gear drivetrain.

your dread mullet is gone.... - w4m - 20 (Lower East Side)
Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-07-14, 3:08PM EDT
but i still like the way the elephant on the back of your leg moves when you ride your bike on Ave A. lets split a pack of blue American Spirits

"Yeah, could you do a tattoo that looks like it's moving when I ride my fixed-gear?" Just like the decals sell the bike, the hair, clothes and accessories sell the person. Another potential disaster. At 20 years old I suppose this poor girl is still about six broke musicians and four STDs away from figuring out what to actually look for in a guy. Though I suppose the fact that she still likes him despite his having cut off his "dread mullet" implies she's maturing a bit.

Woman on Track Bike - m4w - 29
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-07-14, 11:43AM EDT
Saturday morning you were riding w me down 5th ave from 42nd street to union square. i had a white track bike. you had blue shorts and you had yellow bull horn handle bars. ive been looking for a track bike riding partner that can keep up, and your super fast. wanna hit the streets?

Mixing romance and cycling can be tricky. Certainly some people can do it successfully. (Tim Johnson and Lynn Bessette for example.) But more often trying to find a partner whose interest in cycling equals yours is a bad idea. As George Costanza will tell you, worlds will collide. Finding a girl who likes to drink beer and watch sports, or a guy who likes to shop and get manicures (just to employ some tired stereotypes) might seem like a good idea in theory, but you might not be so happy once it actually happens.

That said, I see two potential scenarios here. In the first, an overzealous guy with no riding partners attempts to show off and drops a frustrated and bored girl at every intersection. In the second, an overzealous guy with no riding partners gets dropped at every intersection by a girl who's a much stronger rider than him. I think in either case this guy will eventually learn to do what the rest of us do: regale our significant others with greatly enhanced tales of our riding exploits after we get home.

you were riding the train i was riding my bike - m4w - 23
Reply to:[deleted]
Date: 2007-07-12, 9:39PM EDT

I know this sounds silly, and so late, but i haven't stopped thinking about you. you were on the train and i was riding my bike over the manhattan bridge, tried to give you my number. i remember your dark hair and waving to me. i hope to god you are looking at this, cuz that would fucking rock
yours aaron

Okay, I'll admit it. This one plucked the spokes of my heart. I imagine the kid from "Breaking Away," riding his red Masi next to the Q train as a dark-haired bambina waves a white hanky from within, like a parting scene in an old movie. This idyll is only slightly tainted by his use of the phrase, "that would fucking rock." Of course it's possible that this guy is an unemployed lunatic who spends the day riding back and forth pantsless on the Manhattan Bridge pedestrian path, trying desperately to get the attention of women on the train. And of course it's also possible that what he interpreted as a wave was in fact an obscene gesture of some kind. Nonetheless, I'm going to allow myself to remain deluded, and to imagine that somewhere something is happening that doesn't completely piss me off.