Sightings: Ice, Missed Connections, and UFO-Seeking Freak Bikes

As I've mentioned in the past, New Yorkers may be hardy in some respects, but when it comes to the weather all it takes is the slightest bit of cold or precipitation to bring the city to a halt. Simply put, we're "weather woosies." Train operators shrug their shoulders, the platforms swell with the ranks of the stranded, and cyclists hurl their bicycles from the nearest balcony in despair. So if you were foolish enough to ride over the Manhattan Bridge last night after the rain, it came as no surprise to you that it was frozen solid and nothing had been done about it.

If only I had the time, I would start my own "BSNYC Bridge Report," with real-time updates on the conditions of the various bridges during the morning and evening rushes. I would also employ a small staff of salt and sand spreaders to do what the city cannot. (Maybe Perscattante can supply them with bikes from their "Courier Series" for additional street cred.) However, until someone is willing to financially back such a venture, it will reside in my "queue of dreams," right between winning a Spring Classic while wearing a chicken suit and having all revolving doors banned from the city. (I'm deathly afraid of revolving doors.) And at the very least, if the city is not going to do anything to get rid of the ice, they could at least make it look better. Notice the unsightly tire tracks in the photo above. I know we're in the midst of a budget crisis, but surely they can find a few bucks to pay someone to drive a Zamboni back and forth across the span. Then we could all carry ice skates in our bags and just skate across with our bikes in tow.

Yes, if you didn't have studded tires or skates last night you were most likely walking across the bridge. But the good part was that it provided an opportunity to meet your fellow cyclists; or, if you're socially awkward, to ignore them and later post a Craigslist "Missed Connection" about them. Sadly, I didn't see any icy bridge-related ones this morning, but I did see this:

help me find a new bike? - m4w - 24 (w.burg, les, wherevs.)
Reply to: pers-983179108@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 9:42PM EST


so, yeah, my bike was stolen yesterday, my girlfriend dumped me last month, and im bored as shit. the whip was a '74 orange peugeot fixie and--heartbroken though i may be--im heading out this weekend to try and a New Better Half in the same vein... want to come along?


drinks are on me as soon as ive got wheels; hell, we can bring tall boys for the road if the weather's nice (whiskey, if not)... im thinking this might be a solid opportunity to find a sweet girl who's into things like bikes, me, being awesome, and so forth..


fyi: swm, ggg, 5'10", 135, red hair, clean, born to die. hit me up.

As the owner of an Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I'm always sad when someone's orange "whip" is stolen. (Even though the IOJB is not orange.) I also like how he starts his post with "So, yeah," as if we've all been waiting around to hear from him and he's finally deigned to speak. I suppose in his mind he's constantly being interviewed on a talk show, and whenever he opens his mouth he pretends the commercial's finally ended and the host has just said, "And we're back with the orange fixie douche!" I hope the ladies are paying attention, because this guy's a rare find. He's both clean and born to die. He's also "ggg," which everybody knows stands for Germanische Glaubens-Gemeinschaft. So, yeah, if you're looking for a bikeless Germanic Neopagan who's both clean and born to die hit him up(side the head).

"Missed Connections" is basically like a dark room full of idiots feeling around for each-other, and little does the Germanic Neopagan know that his ideal woman is actually in there with him:






do you dream like this too..? - w4m - 27 (cobble hill)
Reply to: pers-983153840@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 9:19PM EST


I am a pretty sweet lady still looking for that inspiring and magical man to hang out with Must love to travel and have good taste in music and books and love to adventure via bike boat plane train.. Let's geek out together, 2009 is the year!


no photo no reply

This is an amazing post. Thanks to the photos, we actually get to see a hipster's dream. This is something that even the most expensive sleep studies have not been able to reveal. In the first picture, we can see she's dreaming about having sex with Paul Rudd. Moving clockwise, she is transported to a Proustian slideshow of remembrances from her Midwestern childhood. This gives way to clouds, and then finally to smoking pensively in bed after Paul Rudd has had his way with her. Germanic Neopagan should definitely get on the "bike boat plane train" with this one.

The only thing harder than finding that special someone is finding that special bike. And when it comes to bikes, they don't come much more special than this one:

This compelling photo series was forwarded to me by the same reader who alerted me to the demi-Pista being sold in Washington, DC. (Actually, I think two people alerted me to that, but I think he was the first.) Obviously, the most remarkable thing about this bike is the frame pump, which looks suspiciously like a floor pump that had been repurposed for frame use by means of a bungee cord. But the innovation doesn't stop there. Another bungee secures the front light:


This rider has no time for diminutive Frogs and Guppies. I wonder if there's also a foot dimmer bungeed on there somewhere. Evidently, this bicycle is used primarily for scanning the heavens, since the owner casts his beam skyward. Truth be told, no stable is complete without a "heaven-scanning bike." As a fellow lighting enthusiast, I will say that the "hipster cyst" I mounted on my front hub blinded me once every revolution, so I'd be very interested in knowing how this rider copes with a considerably larger light shining directly into his eyes at his all times. Maybe he just never looks down.

For the rear light, the owner has broken with the bungee theme and instead gone with duct tape. He's also gone with a white light instead of a red one:


Just like some cyclocrossers choose a right-front brake setup, many heaven-scanners use a white-rear setup. This is because, when you're scanning the heavens, you're generally looking for things like UFOs, black helicopters, and weather-control satellites, and as such you're probably also on the verge of uncovering a massive conspiracy. Consequently, you're most likely being pursued by secret government agents. And while these secret government agents are shrewd enough to hide things like aliens from the general public, they're not so shrewd that they can't be easily duped by a white rear light on a giant, cushy saddle that makes it look like you're heading towards them while in reality you're riding away from them to safety.

Speaking of unorthodox setups, check this out:



The u-bolts and section of wire hanger provide far more rigidity than a traditional cable-actuated setup. In fact, it's so rigid that it doesn't work. However, this is actually a safety mechanism. All experienced riders know most of your stopping power is in the front brake, so this setup trains you not to rely too heavily (or, in fact, at all) on the rear.

And while the rear brake doesn't work, the owner still knows what's going on behind him, thanks to a rear-view mirror:


Notice it's mounted beneath the bar to prevent accidental refraction of the UFO search beam and additional rider blindness.

Lastly, the only thing this rider takes more seriously than heaven-scanning is tire pressure. In addition to the frame-mounted floor pump, he's also got a tire gauge:

Yes, there will be no "pump-pump-squeeze, pump-pump-squeeze" tire inflation for him. He needs to know exactly how much air is in his tires at all times, and he's leaving nothing to chance. After all, this is a research vessel, and many a UFO sighting has been undone by inadequate tire pressure. At first I wondered why he does not simply upgrade to a frame-mounted floor pump with an integrated gauge, but then I realized that this would make it impossible for him to compulsively check his tire pressure without removing the whole cumbersome assembly. It is, in a completely roundabout way, a practical solution.

But while I may seem to be making fun of this bike, the truth is that it makes me happy. Like the World's Greatest Trek, it is the work of a person who is unconcerned with rules and convention and needs a bike suited to his own unique purposes only. See, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, and what might be right for you may not be right for some. In a world full of roadies, and trackies, and mountain bikers, and clothing labels, and tire labels carefully aligned with valve stems, and bib shorts worn under jerseys instead of over them, these two freak bikes stand out as beacons of freedom. These are the "lone wolves" of the cycling world. So next time you see some guy riding around on a hybrid with dual disc wheels, wearing half shorts, a football helmet, and no shirt while listening to a Sony Sports Discman that he's Velcroed to his bicep, don't laugh at him--salute him. But keep a safe distance, because he's probably crazy.