Thursday, August 27, 2009

Slow and Steady: The Tortoise and the Helmet Hair

Last Tuesday, I mentioned a Daily News article written by a reporter named Simone Weichselbaum who not only uses a bicycle to cover her "beat," but who also employs a coach who teaches her how to "street ride." Well, a number of readers have forwarded me the following Craigslist post, which indicates that Weichselbaum's beloved Surly Steamroller has been stolen:




STOLEN BIKE - PLEASE HELP (E. Village)
Date: 2009-08-26, 2:53PM EDT

Reply to: see below


If you guys have seen my Surly Steamroller painted blue and yellow covered with pro-biking stickers, could you please help me get it back.

Someone managed to slip the U-Lock off a pole in front of 212 Ave A on Sunday.

This bike is my baby.
If seen, call Simone at 202 320 3598


Assuming this post is not a hoax then we can infer that either John Campo's "street riding" course does not include lessons on bicycle locking, or else it's a separate class but Weichselbaum opted not to pay the additional tuition. Either way, this underscores a fundamental truth about "street riding," which is that you're only as fast as your bicycle is secure. All the lane-splittings, intersection trackstands, light-runnings, and "Out of the way, cocksuckers!" in the world are ultimately useless if, when you arrive at your destination, you u-lock your bike to an open-ended pole. It's basically a tortoise-and-the-hare scenario, only the portly person on the hybrid with vertically-mounted bar ends and a 10lb Kryptonite chain around his ample waist who locks his bike diligently is the tortoise, and the fixed-gear-riding, messenger bag-toting cocky young urbanite is the hare.

Regardless, I do hope Weichselbaum gets her bike back, and obviously if you see a Steamroller with "pro-biking" stickers (whatever those are) on it you should let her know. In the meantime, I'm sure Weichselbaum will also put her hard-nosed investigative reporting skills to good use. And ultimately, this theft could prove a bruchah in disguise in that it might inspire her to pen a series of bestselling mysteries featuring a tough-talking lady sleuth who solves bike-related crime.

Speaking of both vertical bar ends and crime, one of the readers who forwarded me Weichselbaum's Craigslist post also included a photo of this handlebar setup:

I love a good biplane handlebar as much as anybody, but if it isn't illegal to control a bicycle by means of a wooden dowel duct taped to your handlebars then perhaps it should be. That said, he does have a substantial number of rubber bands handy, which means that should either the wood or the duct tape fail he can perform a repair on the fly. However, whether that is in fact the reason for all the rubber bands I simply cannot be sure. It's equally possible that he's part of some roving group of cycling marauders who do battle with each other using office supplies as weapons. While this rider clearly prefers the "rubber band fingerbang," some of his adversaries probably employ other weapons, such as the staple shooter or the dreaded flaming paper airplane. In any case, he's got plenty of ammo:

Hopefully though if he is indeed a cycling combatant he's also using sufficient head protection. If not, perhaps he should consider one of these military-style helmet/cover "modular systems," which a number of readers have brought to my attention:

Urban riders have been taking to the skateboard helmet in increasing numbers recently, and thanks to both the smooth, round shape of their helmets and the petrified looks on their faces as they learn the quirks of their new fixed-gears in rush-hour traffic, many of them look like WWII-era GIs freshly arrived in the European theater and seeing combat for the first time. Given this, I just assumed the designers figured they'd take the army thing all the way, but instead I guess it's actually supposed to pay homage to the "environment" somehow:

You can also u-lock it to your bike, even if your bike has flop-and-chop handlebars:

Personally, I can't think of many things more ridiculous than a hat you wear over your helmet. This is why I was amazed to learn that not only is this not a joke, but also that the City of New York actually paid some company called "fuseproject" to come up with it:



Here's the full description from "fuseproject:"

I can't tell you how pleased I am as a New Yorker ITTET that the city in which I live is paying a company to design helmet hats. Each pothole I dodge on my commute reminds me that this is money well spent. By the way, if you're wondering what "fuseproject" does, here's how they explain themselves:


I read this over and over again and it meant absolutely nothing to me, but I think I've finally got it figured out. Basically, it's just a nice way of saying that "fuseproject" is an assembly line of douchery and that people pay them to take things that already exist and "bullshitify" them. For example, helmets have obviously been around a long time, but it takes an expert to bullshitify them by putting a hat on them. Also, Birkenstock has been around for a long time too, but it took "fuseproject" to figure out that they should "showcase" their "overall brand evolution" by copying Crocs:


They also came up with "Y Water," which to be perfectly honest I can't figure out, but which appears to be the world's first beverage that you consume anally:

I'd like to explain the helmet hat concept away by saying that, as the creators of the NYC condom, "fuseproject" figured they'd continue their success by sticking with the theme of things you unfurl over your head. However, I think the more likely explanation is that somebody who knows nothing about cycling thought they could make the helmet "cool." This is typical non-cycling hubris, and the result (a helmet hat) is predictably idiotic. A non-cyclist who thinks he or she can somehow solve the "problem" of helmets not being cool enough is like the person who knows nothing about plumbing, insists he can fix your faucet for you, and winds up flooding your bathroom. The truth is that helmets are the one aspect of cyling in which you actually should just copy the racers. A GI-style skater helmet or a modular helmet/hat nightmare looks no better than a typical racing-style helmet, which you can buy for like $30 or $40, which will be lightweight and well-ventilated, and which will accommodate a wool hat underneath (or, yes, a non-decorative helmet cover above if you prefer) when it gets cold:


It's also typical of the non-cyclist to focus on the helmet as a symbol of cycling safety. Indeed, the helmet has become a symbol of safe cycling just as the condom has become a symbol of safe sex. However, there's a big difference between the two. If you use a condom properly it will be highly effective, but if you use a helmet properly it won't make a difference if you're still doing everything else wrong. Riding without a helmet will not make you crash, but riding with a bunch of stuff dangling off your handlebars might. If the City of New York and "fuseproject" really cared, they'd have designed a really "cool" and convenient basket instead of a helmet:

Instead, they just bullshitified the helmet, which is about as meaningful as their safe sex campaign would have been if they'd used brightly-colored dildos instead of condoms. Really, they might as well have just promoted retro-chic 1980s hairstyles that also have potentially head-protecting qualities, such as the classic high top fade:


Or the the "sea urchin:"



Or even the studiously unruly coif of Australian comedian Yahoo Serious:

It's great New York City is promoting cycling, though it's too bad they paid "fuseproject" to help them "appeal to the new generation of bikers." They could have saved a bunch of money by just asking the human cannonball at Ringling Bros. Circus for advice, since his approach to safety seems to be the same: put on a stupid outfit, strap on your helmet, close your eyes, and hope for the best.

162 comments:

Anonymous said...

boo yah!

Aaron said...

When will you comment on the Liskula Cohen debate?

Anonymous said...

hello

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

near-podium...

Anonymous said...

Ahhh yeah, boyeee

Anonymous said...

HCFVS

Morgan said...

recumbents: dignity is for woosies!

Anonymous said...

Top ten?

T

Anonymous said...

Top ten Blearrghhhh!!

ringcycles said...

Top Ten?

Anonymous said...

Deep in the peloton, avoiding the pinky test.

hillbilly said...

freakin hilarious, loved it. but..."gets here bike back"?

bullshitify is my new favorite word, and I can't believe they paid somebody to come up with that shit. I saw that Y water in Union Mkt the other day and spent a good 5 minutes trying to figure out what it was and what the fuck I was supposed to do with it...although, in my defense, I did not try to, um, insert it anywhere.

Astroluc said...

EXCELSIOR

Black Dickerson said...

Bullshitify is pure and exceptional.

rightsaid kev said...

Whoa, sweet Discharge LP. Was that rescued from the Pit of Embarrassment?

bikesgonewild said...

...fuck !!!...i just lost 10 g's bettin' on ya, ant1...coulda still collected if you'd been first after the non-counting "anon" posts...

...i showed faith & it cost me big...

...sheesh, there goes the cycling vacation of a lifetime..."a week in the alps w/ robert mackey" during le tour...

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing that the dowel with vertical bar-ends duct taped to the drop bars is for luggage. Perhaps a Chinese take-out delivery bike. Those bars add plenty of real estate from which you can hang plastic grocery bags filled with General Tsao's Chicken.

Anonymous said...

Wow, those guys must amazing, um, er, salesmen to get the city to pay for that bullshit.

WHYW ATER

ant1 said...

sorry bgw. I was lucky to get a top 4 finish. I got caught up in work and when I finally remembered what's really important in early weekday afternoons and loaded up the blog, there were only two comments.
It'll teach you to bet on a frenchman, which I guess is a useful lesson for cycling in general.
As a consolation prize, I can offer you a week in the appalachians with red neckerson. All the ass soreness without the pesky riding.

shmaltz herring said...

Anyone want to catch a flick at the European Theater tonight?

wishiwasmerckx said...

For you non-Hebrew speaking readers, a "Bruchah" is a type of steamed dumpling filled with pork.

Anonymous said...

http://www.nrsweb.com/shop/Product_More_Views.asp?pfid=2043

bk jimmy said...

Go easy, Snob. Had you read on you would have learned that the good people at fuseproject generally shy away from "style projects" and "skin jobs."

ringcycles said...

Bullshitify: def: the redesign of a common useful product to something pretentious, ugly, and expensive; frequently developed with government funding.

I have to imagine that the guys at "fuseproject" once read The Emperor's New Clothes and rather than understanding a parable about self-awareness or humility, they thought "Jackpot!".

Absolutley brilliant today Snob.

Anonymous said...

http://www.helmetcozy.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/katie-cropped-visor.jpg

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

King Bloomberg should just buy everyone in nyc a new helmet.

That reporter got her bike stolen by her coach, who is also the bike shrink,who sold his republic bike to get a new helmet because the helmet cost more than the bike.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thanks to the staple-shooter video, Snob is now on the Homeland Security terrorist watchlist.

Spaeking of which, I have a better idea for the bullshitified two-stage helmet. Ron White would have us scrap the color-coded threat assessment system for a much simpler two-step system:
1) Find a helmet.
2) Put on the helmet.

Test Tickle said...

well said BS... there's an army of skate helmets here in Seattle ... and I'm not referring to the old guys, like me, at the skatepark.

MORE ANAL

balls.

CommieCanuck said...

Bullshitify is schlongtacular.

SHLN TKLR

wishiwasmerckx said...

I opened the biplane handlebar link to discover yet another Weimarainer in the background. What is the deal with goofy bikes and Wemarainers?

chewbacca said...

dowel bike is def a delivery vehicle...

rezado said...

That was the tallest flat top ever.

Glenn Beck said...

Helmets prevent me from getting my head further up my ass.

OBMA RCST

Anonymous said...

"Bullshitified" that's what Michael Bay did to Transformers.

Test Tickle said...

Y Water:

BUTT BEAD

balls.

Test Tickle said...

Rezado,

That's none other than

KIDN PLAY

balls.

J L M & M said...

I feel so terrible about feeling so good that the girl got her bike stolen. Though, in retrospect, if her bike got lifted that way, I now understand why she felt compelled to take bicycle (hipster?) lessons in the first place.

CommieCanuck said...

Skate helmets are great, because road helmets are not heavy and hot enough, plus that matte black color is perfect for sunny, hot August days.

Xtreme to the max, and so forth.

Sprocketboy said...

Fuseproject seems to have New York authorities entranced. As magnificent as the helmet hat might be, the NYC condom is clearly the winner. "The expressive identity on a black background is immediately recognizable, while the durable and easy to maintain condom dispenser fits in a variety of venues, from dive bar, homeless shelter to convenience stores. The approachable wrapper and dispenser encourages dialogue and use..." My feeling is that "encouraging dialogue" is just another way of discovering new touchpoints.

Lance's twitter said...

@lancearmstrong: Good morning Dublin. Who wants to ride this afternoon? I do, so get on your bikes, bitches.5:30pm at the roundabout of Fountain Road and Chesterfield Avenue. See you there. Bring EPO. AC not invited

Ed Stockwell said...

OUT OF THE WAY, COCKSUCKERS!

Anonymous said...

A tasty read today w/ an extra dash of disdain. Saw that Y Water recently at my local market and remember standing there non-plussedly trying to figure out WTF it was. Should have been called 'WTF Water'.

fuseproject said...

Bike Snob,

It appears you have misunderstood us. fuseproject does not have a "specialty" vertical or market sector. We believe that a diverse client / project roster enables a much more sensitive and agile fuseproject team, which in turn offers great value to our clients.

the fuseproject team

Paul Bowen said...

Come now Snobbers, why so churlish? By winter I predict that the bullshitified helmet hat will have become so popular that it will be recognised as visual shorthand for NYC itself , just like the yellow cab and those steam vent thingies. Probably.

CommieCanuck said...

NYC needs to commission NYC pant cuff fenders, large plastic funnel-shaped discs worn at the ankles to prevent bum piss, Chinese loogies, vomit and rat feces from spattering up one's leg whilst walking around Manhattan.
Fashion Avenue takes note!

CommieCanuck said...

We believe that a diverse client / project roster enables a much more sensitive and agile fuseproject team, which in turn offers great value to our clients.

23 words that say nothing.

rezado said...

I know. I have seen house party 1 thru 4

505bikecommuter said...

"...her hard-nosed investigative reporting SKILLZ!" Not "skills."

bikesgonewild said...

...c'est la vie (hey, that's french !!!) ant1...case a "woulda, shoulda, coulda"...

...ironically, the last frenchman i bet on was fignon..."no way is lemond gonna make up that deficit !!!"...merde...

...oh, & thanks but no thanks...i can already hear the banjo music in my head..."da da dat dat daaa"...

Strayhorn said...

23 words that say nothing.

Dude. They perfectly illustrate "bullshitify." As in:

"I didn't have a quick retort, so I bullshitified some language I got off a PowerPoint template . . . "

Anonymous said...

"world's first beverage that you consume anally"

love it.

hillbilly said...

will the fuseproject be a part of New Amsterdam Slam? Was the helmet approved by David Byrne, and Robert "the schluffer" Sullivan? I don't do anything velosified without their approval.

grog said...

Ooofa! Too much bullshitification going on here. Thanky Shnobbers.

Anonymous said...

The Fuseproject mission comes straight from the Dilbert Mission Statement Generation application.

red neckerson said...

is them bullshitify stimulus projects what obamer considered shovel ready

broomie said...

We have just made bullshitify our new operational mode of the day at our office.

"Ruth, these evaluations, stink! Can we bullshitify these outcomes do dazzle the funders until we can get our shit together?!!"

BTW I hope that fuseproject post is real.

OBA said...

Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach. Those that can't distinguish their ass from their elbow start branding companies and put cozies on helmets.

CommieCanuck said...

"I didn't have a quick retort, so I bullshitified some language I got off a PowerPoint template . . . "

Those guys must give an AWESOME ppt presentation, with bullets and animated text, ...checkered fade-in effect.

Cranky Mule said...

Oh Helmet hat!

http://bikehugger.com/images/blog/helmet_hair.jpg

There has got to be a better image of this somewhere on the web...

Glenn Beck said...

Obama just bullshitifies everything with his racism...I'm not saying he's full of shit or a racist at all, no, i would never say that...I just mean that he hates white people and he's a bullshit racist.

come back Procter and Gamble!

Anonymous said...

All you haters suck my NYC helmet.


Fuseproject

bk jimmy said...

Broomie,

If it wasn't would you want to know?

Anonymous said...

WIWMerckx -- then what's a kreplach? And how does one go about stuffing them?

CommieCanuck said...

mormon helmet hair

KISS army helmet hair

Corrupt Illinois helmet hair

Iowa helmet hair

Bratz helmet hair

Anonymous said...

he's on a roll

why can't the bodies fly

yogisurf said...

Subsidizing tobacco farmers and cancer research, $600 toilet seats (in 1980 dollars), $1,000 open-end wrenches. Our government at work. Luckily, the Federal gov’t is expanding and they are coming to our rescue.

krotchrot said...

At least the developers of the "NYC Helmet" apparently didn't waste taxpayer money on expensive ANSI or Snell testing and certification. If Bell/Giro fired their engineers in favor of such forward-thinking stylists, competitive riders would look much cooler. Never mind head-safety; fashion-safety is what counts.

Brian said...

If the Fuseproject team really believes their own bullshit they won't be too hard to spot in a crowd.

hillbilly said...

talk about bullshitify, check out some of the shit on kickstarter.com, man, only a matter of time until somebody wants pledges for a video of fixie "tricks"

libertyonbikes! said...

great! one more thing to buy at the dollar store (along with my
'I heart NYC' t shirt.

I suspect an orange NYC helmet
won't scream tourist, will it?

ant1 said...

Anybody headed up/down/over to greenville this weekend?

CommieCanuck said...

then what's a kreplach?

That's just the sound one makes before horking a loogie in a Chinatown bike lane.

kale said...

Snob, you're getting much better at a weekly cohesive topic, either intentionally or accidentally - it's working. This week's been pretty good at nailing the Fetalfred (or prefred or whatever). I'm saying this because even though people like Sean from yesterday don't consider themselves cyclists, they're on their way there (maybe). They're going through the growing pains, which is something Robert Mackey couldn't do correctly. Maybe this is the ecstasy talking, but everyone makes mistakes. The only people who deserve ridicule are the businesses trying to market the shit (Republic bikes, skater helmets, anal water) to the Fetalfred - It's like selling cigarettes to children.

Morally reprehensible!

The common refrain of "whatever gets more cyclists on the road is a good thing," is hard to suppress.

Anonymous said...

Nice burn! If anybody from fuseproject is reading this and thinking "There's no such thing as bad publicity": uh, yeah, there is.

Anonymous said...

"It appears you have misunderstood us. fuseproject does not have a "specialty" vertical or market sector. We believe that a diverse client / project roster enables a much more sensitive and agile fuseproject team, which in turn offers great value to our clients."

This is very easy to understand. Fuseproject's doors are open for those that whish to have a brand identity created for them. It will do so in such a way that it has in house creative consultants, who each have made a name for themselves in either font creation, or drawing flowers and butterflies. It is totally capable of say, making a microsite for pepsi or perhaps a Telco, to reach out to new streams of revenue available in the niche markets that respond to colourful graphics and flash websites.

"The common refrain of "whatever gets more cyclists on the road is a good thing," is hard to suppress."

Lowest common denominator.

bikesgonewild said...

...if yer "over to greenville this weekend", & a young lady comes over & offers to help ya when yer peeing in the bushes out on the backside of the course, well, you might just be meeting jolene...

...be sure n' tip for services rendered...

Anonymous said...

Maybe they got the assignment wrong.
Maybe they were supposed to make it cool NOT Cool, ie: vent it not hype it.

Anonymous said...

redneckerson does drag, don't ya know?

Anonymous said...

"Maybe they got the assignment wrong.
Maybe they were supposed to make it cool NOT Cool, ie: vent it not hype it."

This will not be a something they will spend time thinkingabout. They will be working on how to package their internal workflow.

jolene said...

I cant make it to the big city of grenevile this time i got a worrent and they is hard on third offendars especilay when its fer hit and run on a harley rodemaster and a prostytute

ant1 said...

as long as it's jolene and not red, I don't mind tipping.

hillbilly said...

I don't fault fuseproject - they are just a bunch of doofbags, but NYC commissioned these fucktards???

Anonymous said...

its easy to spot red. feel for the scotch tape.

Anonymous said...

Tommy Wiseau could have use that money for something important.

Al Franken said...

I'm really tired of these right-wingnut shitkickers arguing with smart people who know what's good for them.

g said...

"it's just a nice way of saying that "fuseproject" is an assembly line of douchery and that people pay them to take things that already exist and "bullshitify" them."

This is why I come here every day. Fucking genius!!

Anonymous said...

I'm really tired of these right-wingnut shitkickers arguing with smart people who know what's good for them.

Evian and Ben and Jerries last time I heard.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 3:08, a "Kreplach" is a special sausage made with the blood of Christian children, but don't tell anyone, because that's a big secret.

Rube Goldberg said...

Is it safe to say that fuseproject is not primly rectalinear?

Anonymous said...

Christian children taste like shit.

ant1 said...

is it baptized or unbaptized christian children? big difference.

team fuseproject redux said...

Why Y-Water?

Aspiring for maximal liquid saturation through the anal infusion of fluids, thus resulting in a sensitive and agile fuseproject client questing for the most proximally located personal hygiene facility.

Go epic or go home. . . .

Reed Enwright said...

The paper airplane video seemed never ending ... did they finally light the garage on fire, or what?

Anonymous said...

"...many of them look like WWII-era GIs freshly arrived in the European theater and seeing combat for the first time."

= brilliant stuff.

Gordus said...

The OD Army helm is actually innovative if you stop to think about it. Long days in the saddle can result in scalp (vent pattern) and or neck sunburn. The combat vibe speaks to the urban assault nature of city riding. Like it or not I think its the next phase.

frenzy said...

Is is bad that i really want one of those helmets?

Anonymous said...

To be fair - you could be properly using a condom and have it be wildly unsafe if you're no the pitcher...

Anonymous said...

#99

ervgopwr said...

ervgopwr100!

Anonymous said...

Christian childern taste like chicken.

Anonymous said...

"The OD Army helm is actually innovative if you stop to think about it. Long days in the saddle can result in scalp (vent pattern) and or neck sunburn. The combat vibe speaks to the urban assault nature of city riding. Like it or not I think its the next phase."

I think combat fashion phazed out a few years ago. perhaps it might pick up with office workers on bikes, i think flower power might win though, if the Ford SYN is anything to go by.

Anonymous said...

Cycling shoes and platform pedals.

http://jezebel.com/5346916/a-lady-on-her-cycle-is-no-laughing-matter

Jase said...

If fuseproject we're going to be shit, they might as well have been derivative.

The best helmet designed in NYC in the last , um, ever is Bret's camouflaged unit:

http://bikehugger.com/2007/06/flight-of-the-conchords-hair-h.html

I'd buy that.

Brianisbrain said...

Uh, didn't some company like six six one make a "baseball cap helmet" like ten years ago? It was intended to deceive people into thinking you were actually wearing a hat because helmets are so nerdy right? But huge hats are always cool I guess.

bikramyoganj said...

I look at the comments now to see when Ant1 has written his "ant1st!" now. I love it. Was in the city today and I love looking at bikes there, there are the best.

Rex H said...

I love how the cover separates from the shell for easy storage, like when I take the sheets off of my bed when I'm not sleeping on it.

Stevil said...

All aboard the short bus.

AdventuresofSockMonkey said...

it's like Bret's "secret" project on Flight of the Conchords. He created a helmet that looked like hair (season 1).

http://bikehugger.com/2007/06/flight-of-the-conchords-hair-h.html

PANTS said...

"Fuse project" just did what their company name suggests. Fused two things together. It is also a project so it doesn't actually have to work or look good. Next time I make something ugly I'm going to call it a Fuse Project.

Anonymous said...

New slogan from fuseputz: "Y Water, don't be a douche, when you can be a total colonic"

landis in 06 said...

Been drinking all day with Tyler & Clinger testing NYC body condoms and talking diktats....it's gonna be a fun greenville this wknd.

assjack said...

Snob, you are a genius at making me laugh out loud!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry, you have gone way to far,
It is one thing to make fun of "bike culture", or wastefull government spending.

But kind n play, or yahoo seriously, leave those boys alone.

BiPlane - Simple said...

GETA - RISE

Anonymous said...

"It appears you have misunderstood us. fuseproject does not have a "specialty" vertical or market sector. We believe that a diverse client / project roster enables a much more sensitive and agile fuseproject team, which in turn offers great value to our clients.

the fuseproject team"

is this a hoax?

are these posers incapable of making a simple declarative sentence?

worthless.

donkeyattack said...

not really related to helmets. but this is fixie gymnastic heaven

surprisingly not shot in williamsburg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b36Yi-Pb1wM&feature=player_embedded

leroy said...

Honestly, the things you can learn on the internet.

I think we owe a debt of gratitude to fuseproject for its NYC helmet.

Now when folks wonder about the Belgian expression Mr. Parkin chose for the title of his book about cycling, you can point to the fuseproject opus and explain:

That dog of a hat is a dog in a hat.

(Ant1 -- I can't make it to Greenville. But I am sort of near your neck of the woods this week: the Coastal Empire low country. Fortunately, I got to moto-pace behind a garbage truck the other day so I wouldn't get home sick. Have fun in Greenville. Should be quite a show. )

Anonymous said...

Gotta admit confuseproject's mission one electric motorcycle is sharp tits!

http://www.fuseproject.com/blog/index.php

Seattle Plastic Surgery on Lake Union said...

Brilliant blog, man. Smashing.

Anonymous said...

I've been looking at Behar on TED.

TED winds me up a bit. GURU's wind me up too. "Design is the glue that brings us sustainability" or thereabouts. I don't believe it. Designing from inside out etc. "Throw everyhing away and start again" is the message I get, as a general vibe from everyone I've watched on TED. Isn't this exactly what is wrong with society? Embodied, given a face. I use NUMLOCK buddy, and so does your accountant. The sum of what this guy is saying is nothing. He nullifies everything, mainly himself, but what I think he is trying to do is make people feel comfortable being consumers.

RE: NYC condom. Project brief: Distribute millions of condoms. Why not just do a helicopter / plane drop like they did with American propoganda in Iraq?

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog since some guy in an austrian (which is where I´m from, the one with Mozart, without them cangaroos) bike blog recommended it to me!!

I love to read it almost every day but "which appears to be the world's first beverage that you consume anally" gave me one of the best laughs in quite some time :-)

Thanks for doing this and best wishes,

Rene

kerry said...

so let me guess that the reason fuseproject made the anal y water was - they are full of sh#$?
What is wrong with the old fashioned way of little eddy merxk style hats UNDER your helmet?
And correct me if I am wrong - wont those hats make it hard to see? Just what you need, while trackstanding and mowing down peds.

Jen said...

If only Simone had learned to lock her bike down here in Philly back when she was on the crime beat for the Philly Daily News... If you don't separately secure a suspension fork round these parts, it gets boosted.

CommieCanuck said...

Anon 3:08, a "Kreplach" is a special sausage made with the blood of Christian children

Correction, a DELICIOUS special sausage made with the blood of Christian children.

Anonymous said...

How much did they get paid to distribute condoms in nyc, and what agency would that be?

Would the department of transportation, or city streets commision a helmet cover?

These are important things to know.

Udder said...

The NYC helmet project was actually paid for with Obama stimulus money and is really more of a "green" or energy initiative than a safety program.

These ingenious new helmets act as solar collectors by absorbing sunlight into the black shells and also trap radiant heat inside from the rider's head.

The additional weight (compared to conventional bike helmets) insures maximum exertion of the neck and shoulder muscles, which in turn, generates additional body heat.

Ventilation has been cleverly kept to a minimum to keep most of this heat from escaping. Use of the optional "hat" cover can further the effect.

This stored heat will be channeled to water bottles- or Camelbacks- which will function as boilers that will drive a steam powered generator that will send their stored power wirelesslly to the local grid.

It's anticipated that a huge number of new riders will come to the sport, due to the attraction of these fashionable helmets and they could soon provide enough power to eliminate dirty, coal-burning plants in the metro area.

CommieCanuck said...

Yahoo Serious was a comedian?

I thought he was the Australian Prime minister, before that, I thought he was the Austrian Prime minister.

captain said...

Finally, I can stop wearing an NYC condom on my head!

Anonymous said...

part of the problem is that there's an assumption that we all want to wear junk that has the name of our city plastered on the side.

CommieCanuck said...

Hey, I'm not giving up my Des Moines rainbow headband.

CommieCanuck said...

or my Owl city headband.

Hoot!

Ryan Rapolsive said...

Those helmets are very much like the Republic/UO Bike in the fact you are getting a terd of a helmet but you can "customize" your terd to be in baby poop/diarrhea/corn/etc.
These dam marketing people don't realize if they keep trying to chase the lucrative unicorn of hipsters they will eventually spell the downfall of humanity, not that TV doesn't already do that but they don't need any help!

djaniquinn said...

I worked an event last night that was sponsored by NYC condoms. Seems that everywhere I turn I have NYC condoms in front of my face.

Yabbie Pants said...

I don't get it. How does adding upholstery to a helmet make it cooler? I can see where it would make it hotter, or even more obnoxious than it was. Is that what Y water is for, maybe? Do you soak up the slipcover before a ride? Or is Y water just what it looks like, part of preparing for a colonoscopy?

Jones said...

It's a shame that New York City needed to spend taxpayer money to pay a company to design an attractive helmet. If only we had a system in place in which individuals could attempt to design attractive helmets and some sort of invisible hand determined which helmets were appealing to the masses.

Anonymous said...

I love the genius who thinks it a good idea to fly a plane or helicopter over NYC to drop condoms like propaganda.

Not sure if you heard, but it ain't exactly free air-space over the city....

$50 says you don't get more than 2 blocks before you're "kindly escorted" away by the military.

Anonymous said...

So I'm guessing Daily News reporter Simone Weichselbaum didn't bother reading Craigslist for Dummies when she posted her New Jersey telephone number.

kelake said...

Birkenstock have had those clogs for years, if anything Crocs copied the concept. They may be ugly but they look like a welcome update to the old styling.

Anonymous said...

he designed the "hundred dollar laptop" which was developed to as an educational tool for kids in countries without technological infrastructure. it's not like Yves Behar is an asshole--he's a designer. part of his job entails being commissioned for projects. don't put him on the cross. plus i can tell you he's a super nice guy. and, bullshit or not, he's made a shit-ton more money off of what he does than almost any goofball who commented on this site ever has. i mean, i get it though, it's REALLY easy to shoot down talent when you can't even recognize it.

Anonymous said...

btw yves is in the moma too. damn! he must be insignificant!

themark said...

Making a ton of money off of bullshitting clients does not mean it's good design. The $100 laptop's design was it's weakest link, the engineers were the heroes. Stop sucking on the fuseproject pipe. Snazzy crap is still crap

Almost Any Goofball said...

Looks like Yves Behar got his feelings hurt. Oh well, he has a shit-ton of money to comfort him. That makes him cool, at least to people who can't figure out any other way to assess a person's value.

PANTS said...

I'm a fucking bagillionaire and I still think the helmet looks crap.

Dedicated to the Rider in Us All. said...

Mr. Snob,

Love your blog, brightens our day at the bike shop. Just one prob with latest post. You suggest that a contemporary racing helmet can be "modded" or "palped" with a cool beanie or what not on its exterior, serving the same aesthetic function as the ignorant NY Helmet. Actually, the contemporary helmet shell is designed to slide. Placing something on its exterior disturbs this function. That's why we got rid of those silly helmet covers from the late 1980s. I know you'd hate to discover that your blog instigated a trend of scenesters palping helmet covers, snapping said scenester necks unneccesarily.

Much Bike Snob Love,

James Thompson
Sales Staff and Safety Nazi
Chain Reaction Bicycles
Gainesville, FL
jtexconsult@gmail.com
940-206-0933

Dedicated to the Rider in Us All. said...

Not accustomed to blogging and I posted my contact info. Please no stalking.

Thks JT

Cap'n Distraction said...

Though I am a dedicated anti-bike-snobbery activist, I am stunned by how fucking funny this blog is.

I'm in a state of conflict now. Thanks, NYC bike snob.

Dbsk1 said...

That shit is mad geeky..I'd never wear that shit!

Anonymous said...

It's bad enough nobody sells a high-vis helmet, but NYC orders a custom-designed thing just for riding in traffic and they make it lo-vis. Just to make sure you cannot be seen and will be hit. Smaaaart!

Anonymous said...

Yves Behar, the creator of Fuse was the chair of the Industrial Design department at my school and he's an absolute GOOBER STACHE. I just wanted to add that he wears OSTRICH LEATHER BOOTS.

Anonymous said...

Yes I also go to that same school and Yves Behar (founder of fuseproject) was probably one of the most pompous, egotistical people i've ever met.

PS, the assistant chair did all the work for him.

james said...

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BikeSnob said...

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Anonymous said...

Idiots. All of you.

Prem said...

I like the bike helmets that look more like skate helmets. A couple of brands that I like include bern and triple 8. You can see them at http://zoobom.com

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Carol said...

Maybe this is how Simone locks her bike:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cerambycidae/2532646418/

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