Happy Odin's Day!

Further to yesterday's post, a reader pointed out:

Regular guy said...

That Visp tri-spoke bike looks like something that Michael Ball had in mind when he was in that pissing match with Steve Hed (may he rest in peace)

February 24, 2015 at 7:56 PM

This is an excellent point.  Here's the Accrue bologna slicer as specced on the Visp Machete:

And here is Michael Ball's original design for the Rock Racing wheelset:

By the way, if you're new-ish to cycling and are unfamiliar with Michael Ball, this picture is all you need to know:

(Rock Racing was built on a foundation of doping products, hair styling products, and the constant flashing of "doucheclamation points.")

After revisiting this sordid era I found myself wondering what happened to the erstwhile "King of Pants," so I attempted to track him down using a popular search engine, but the trail goes cold in 2011:

The former chief executive of edgy-apparel maker Rock and Republic Enterprises Inc., which entered Chapter 11 in 2010 and sold its intellectual property earlier in March, is ready to change gears after a tough but transformative introduction to the new decade. In an interview Tuesday, he said that he has a new venture in the works, and while he wouldn’t share any details, he did reveal one thing: It has nothing to do with high-end denim or with anything in the apparel realm, for that matter.

After that, nothing.

(I el-oh-elled at "intellectual property," by the way.)

Oh, well, at least I'll always have his autograph:

Actually, that's not true.  Foolishly, I gave the hat to a certain ex-pro, and he's probably sold it off by now to help pay for that fender-bender in Aspen.

Wow, those were heady days back in 2008.  Fixies, Rock Racing, a pre-comeback Armstrong still neck-deep in movie star ass...  Even this blog was still funny.

In retrospect, it was sort of a golden age.

I suppose after Sheldon Brown died so did our innocence.

Anyway, speaking of the Machete, the one in the red "colorway" is garnering some kick-ass reviews:

Check this one out for example:

Made with Dragonsblood!

By bryan wierzchucki on February 23, 2015

Upon receiving this beast of a bike I immediately went and signed up for a STRAVA account. Next I searched all the local KOMs and decided to go hunting. On my first ride I stole 188 KOMs and got a speeding ticket from the local police department. The ticket is framed and hanging in my garage as a momento of the awesomeness that is the Machete. My second ride was even better, I decided to go race a local criterium. From the first whistle I left the field in my rear view mirror I have mounted on my helmet(safety first). With in 2 laps I had lapped the field. In the process I won 2 primes that consisted of a bag of coffee and an Ontario Series T-Shirt. With the field starring in awe at the awesomeness of my bike I decided that lapping the field once wasn't good enough and did it again. After I won the race, the podium picture had just me on the top step, all the other racers felt unworthy to be in the presence of such an amazing marvel of engineering. After the race one of the podium girls came up to me and offered herself as a reward, which I gladly accepted. I used the $63 first place winnings and took her to dinner, reservations for three of course (me, her, and the Machete). The future seems bright and the possibilities are endless with this bike in your arsenal!

I totally want a Machete in my arsenal.

Another interesting feature of this particular Machete is the crank:

Wow, how did that happen?

Someone is so going to get sued.

Speaking of inexpensive alternatives, now that all the real cities are for billionaires the media's always on the hunt for the next affordable millennial hotspot where it's possible to live some facsimile of the American lifestyle despite stagnant wages and crippling student loan debt.  First it was Detroit, then it was Des Moines, and now it seems like I keep reading stories about Buffalo.  For example, did you know you can go there and ride a locally-made ice bike inspired by Chinese recumbents?

Canalside visitors, who’ve come from as far away as Switzerland and Japan, can also rent what are believed to be the country’s first ice bikes, inspired by recumbent Chinese machines and made locally with blades instead of front wheels.

I'm not sure how that was inspired by a recumbent, but either way I'm impressed.  In fact, I'd be up there faster than you can say "Finger Lakes" if only Buffalo wasn't in Canada.

In other recumbent news, one recumbent rider has invented the "World's First Highway Speed Bike," which is in no way a bike:



The video begins with what purports to be film footage of the inventor as a child:

Check this badass kid out.  He's got the red pants, the shades, and even the Raleigh Chopper bike, which your humble blogger coveted back in those days.  So what I'd like to know is how did a kid so cool ultimately morph into this?

We may never know what set him on the horizontal path to recumbent-dom, but what we do know is that he likes bike rides but he doesn't like bike commutes:

If someone says to you, "Hey, how 'bout going on a bike ride?," what comes to mind?  Pure enjoyment and pure fun!

On the other hand, if someone says to you, "Hey, how 'bout a bike commute?," then what comes to mind?  Right, not so much fun anymore:

I'm not sure he's got that right.  See, bike commuting doesn't suck because of the weather.  Bike commuting sucks because you have to go to work.  Plus, if this guy thinks a bike ride automatically equals "pure enjoyment and pure fun" then he's never ridden with roadies.  "Pure enjoyment and pure fun?"  Try "over-torqued sphincters and masturbatory Strava obsession."

Anyway, his answer to the woes of bike commuting isn't "quit your job and move to Buffalo."  Instead, it's this thing:

Okay, I get that it doesn't use gas and all, but where are you supposed to park it?

He doesn't say.

He does, however, introduce Scott Olson, the guy who invented Rollerblades:

I was flabbergasted to learn that the inventor of Rollerblades shows his face publicly, because I just assumed someone responsible for such an abomination would have gone into hiding, like Salman Rushdie after the fatwā.

All this aside, the Raht Racer looks like what would happen if a motorcycle and a 1940s hot rod were to give birth to a suppository:

And it's even got airbags!

Though, to be fair, so do bicycle helments:


So safe, so fashionable, so Bergmanesque...

And finally, the inventor concludes his presentation by pointing to a guitar player's crotch:

So there you go, the future of human transport.

Lastly, people like to say that "cycling is the new golf," but who do the two really have to be mutually exclusive now that there's the Golf Bike?

OH MY GOD SHE'S NOT WEARING A HEALMENT SHE'S GOING TO DIE!!!

Anyway, if cycling is the new golf then I suppose that makes Portland the new restricted country club.

Fuck it, I'm leasing a Raht Racer.