Monday, June 16, 2008

Showtime at the Apollo: Rock Racing Comes to Harlem

(Rock Wheelz--fast standing still.)

As I mentioned last week, Rock Racing sponsored this year's Harlem Skyscraper race, which took place yesterday. This meant that Michael Ball and his ectoplasmic entourage were in town to give us quaint New Yorkers a taste of some real Hollywood style. The action started Friday with a Rock Racing ride in Central Park, and continued Saturday when they reportedly arrived late to a Prospect Park race, jumped in anyway, and proceeded to mix it up. (It's possible they may simply have been trying to avoid paying the entry fee.) But Sunday was the big day, and Rock Racing did not disappoint. And by that, I don't mean that they won, because they didn't, but I do mean that they actually showed up on time. I was on hand to bask in the eerie, stomach-turning lime-green glow.

Just some examples of the style Ball & Co. brought to our otherwise dull and provincial lives here in NYC were a malfunctioning JumboTron:


A veritable armada of sickly green vehicles:



And real, honest to goodness California license plates.



(One thing they didn't bring though was lube--at least not bike lube. I personally witnessed a Rock Racing staffer purchasing a nearly-empty container of Triflow from an enterprising bystander for $5. This only a day after their Prospect Park entry fee dodge. Are these the first cracks in the Rock Racing facade?)

Despite Rock's presence, though, some things remained unmistakably New York. For example, what's more New York than getting kitted up in a bus shelter?



If that's not New York enough for you, then how about "Messenger Mania?" Yep, Harlem featured a relay race in which messengers (or at least people dressed like them) rode around the circuit on bikes with too-narrow bars carrying the full range of FedEx packing materials. (Including those triangular boxes.) The speeds were as moderate as the crowd's response. It was sort of like a kiddie race, but with grown-ups, and without screaming parents:



This year's Harlem Skyscraper drew crowds from every corner of Bike Culture. There were Camelbak-wearing mountain bikers:


Recumbent-riding weirdos:



And fixters with more money than sense.


Speaking of the fixters, they sure love their U-locks and will find any excuse to use them. This being a bike race, there were unlocked $5,000 carbon road bikes everywhere you looked, yet the fixters made sure to secure even the junkiest bicycle if it was going to be unstraddled for even a second. If fixters were cops and U-locks were guns then innocent people would be shot hourly here in New York City instead of just monthly like they are now.


At this point you may be wondering about the race itself. Well, this was a crit. So the riders went around and around really fast a bunch of times. Like this:



And this:


Speaking of things going fast, merchandise was flying off the shelves over at the Rock Racing tent. And by "flying" I don't mean like a frightened flock of birds suddenly taking to the air in the thousands. I mean more like a bunch of pelicans hanging out on a dock in that one might eventually fly off to look for a fish or something, but otherwise they mostly just sat there:


Eventually, after much riding around, there was a winner. Notice the absence of green clothing. I would imagine Mr. Ball was pretty disappointed after sinking a bunch of money into this thing. It's kind of like taking a paid escort to a party, only to have her go home with your better-looking friend for free.


At this point you may be wondering: did I meet Michael Ball? Well, the answer is yes. I went to Harlem determined not only to meet him, but also to get his autograph. Until yesterday, there was only one person in the entire world I'd ever approached for an autograph. That person was heavy metal homunculus Glenn Danzig, who I saw in the audience at a Metallica concert. He autographed my ticket stub. Here it is:






(Yes, that's the real deal. By the way, that Queensryche set was the most painful thing I've ever endured in my life. And I've ridden CX Nats.)

Going in, I realized I couldn't ask Ball for an autograph made out to me, since I'm anonymous. But I still wanted to experience the thrill of meeting Ball and having him write on something. That's when it occurred to me I'd never properly thanked Lance Armstrong for all the margaritas at the Mellow Johnny's party (nor properly apologized for the mess I made as a result). But, what do you get for a man who has everything? Well, you get him something he probably doesn't have, and I decided that something was a hat from his own bike shop autographed by Michael Ball:


Yes, that is indeed Michael Ball's autograph. (By the way, Ball is even tanner in person.) Please note the orientation of the message. That's so it's legible while you're wearing it. I like to think that Lance might be out running a marathon or something, and that during a moment of duress he'll be on the verge of giving up. But then he'll glance up at that inspirational message which will encourage him to push through and kick that much harder.

I'm going to hold on to this until I have a chance to give it to him. In the meantime, I am keeping it hermetically sealed in this plastic bag that my new bib shorts came in:



I don't want to risk even the slightest damage. This is truly a priceless piece of cycling memorabilia.

112 comments:

Anonymous said...

did it

Anonymous said...

podium again!

Anonymous said...

hi there

Anonymous said...

early bird

Anonymous said...

are there any recumbent riders who aren't wierdos?

g said...

I am glad that lance will now have a reason and the motivation to keep going. It was touch and go for a bit there. Thank you, Mr. Ball. You are an inspiration to us all.

ant1 said...

top ten!

ant1 said...

Seems like our beloved Snobby is truly getting old. He's posting before 10am, probably having dinner around 4pm. Come winter, he'll be posting as BSFLA.
But don't worry Snobby, as long as you keep up the great work, we'll still come visit, unlike those ungratefull kids...

Anonymous said...

Fight the Cock Fight?

Anonymous said...

...encourage him to push through and kick that much harder.

Fantastic.

Anonymous said...

top eleven

Anonymous said...

I like how his signature looks like it could have been a collabo with a graffiti artist...has that junior high "tag" feel

Anonymous said...

I couldn't help but notice that the first local finisher was 14th. What does this say about the state of bike racing in NYC? Does it bother you to be beaten by Californians?

Jonathan said...

im getting the feeling that snob is getting ghost writers in more and more often.
but then there's that shit-awful photography again, which is his signature dish.
im conflicted.

Anonymous said...

Just like a cat 4 crit, I was caught behind the crash and was out of the running on the 3rd lap.

Shane said...

I'm surprised you didn't have a go at the winner who crashed after he crossed the line. Sure, he's an easy target, but I would have enjoyed reading your thoughts on that decidedly un-PRO move.

Strayhorn said...

"Notice the absence of green . . . "

BWAHAHAHAHA!

(snurk)

Commiecanuk said...

This seems like this should be a continuation of the "one less car" threads. Only Mike Ball would be so fundamentally clueless as to support a bike racing team with the biggest, heaviest, tanks on the roads, then drive them out from California. Shit...the world got three degrees warmer from just this race.
As for the shit-ass photography, I think it has that Sasquatch-paparazzo charm.

Big Chewy said...

Has this already been hashed out or is everyone else also confused by the people who claim "podium", "first", etc?

Isn't calling "podium" the blogging commenter's equivalent of a Fixed Gear Pie Plate?

Martin Van Nostrand said...

Pie plate!

Jonathan said...

"As for the shit-ass photography, I think it has that Sasquatch-paparazzo charm."
agreed.
it makes up for in exuberance and charm what it lacks in focus and composition.

Anonymous said...

The fixed gear free stylers of minneapolis have started to invade the public skate parks. Let the fgfs vs. teenage skateboarders turf wars begin.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3130/2584368348_942df1046c_b.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3174/2584367448_ddd3c375ed_b.jpg

ice cube said...

You met Danzig!

Anonymous said...

(fixed links)
http://tinyurl.com/5wx69x
http://tinyurl.com/55jg7w

Anonymous said...

I saw Metallica on that same tour, and then I saw Danzig on tour only a Month later. Danzig vanished, but Chuck and John both signed my ticket stub. Are you sure Im not you?

g said...

How seriously hard was it to convey to Mr. Ball that you were anonymous and actually didn't have to have your name splayed all over everything you do or say?
something like this, I hope:

BSNY/RTMS:"Actually, don't make it out to me. I don't want anyone to know my name. I have an anonymous blog where I share my thoughts and experiences with others and want to remain unknown."
MB:"...................."[head explodes]
{Scene}

Anonymous said...

uhm...he coulda prolly just told him his name was lance...

g said...

Oh... Thanks. I didn't even think of that.
BSNYC/RTMS:"Hey. Make it out to Lance."
MB:"OK Lance."

Yeah. That delivers the same comedic punch.

fixedgear said...

I worked the race. Michael Ball rolled up in a balck Chevy SUV, with two bodyguards, one black and one white. Somebody sez 'is that Bloomberg?' Nah, it's ony Mike. He did say 'dude, great job' as we were breaking down. Made my day.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ball has a least succeeded in doing something parents have tried since the dawn of t-shirts: made the skull uncool. Sort of like OCC did for the iron cross. I hereby will only refer to him as Mr. Sack.

Erik said...

Fixedgear: Wow! Michael Ball has one black (or did you mean balck) body guard and one white one. This is amazing news. Is that somehow relevant to anything?

Anonymous said...

"If fixters were cops and U-locks were guns then innocent people would be shot hourly here in New York City instead of just monthly like they are now."
- siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

Ti( * )( * )ies said...

Dear RTMS -

What I want to know is what MB smells like. I imagine it is a combination of Bronzer, Axe Vice and Monster energy drink. I'd like to give my MB real doll that extra bit of realism.

Thanks,
Tits

Anonymous said...

Jeeezuz effing krisszzt!

Snobby is none other than Lance Armstrong. All that 'I'm a bike racer first and a blogger second' BS and it's real!! No wonder he wanted to stay anon. Didn't want to be told how heartless he was for dumping Sheryl Crow just before she found out her cancer.

Well, now that the cat's out of the bag BSNYC/RTMS/LA, nice work on the 7 TDFs and beating that pesky brain, lung, and testicular cancer. You're an inspiration to us all and GAWD I FEEL LIKE A TOOL thinking that you were just some cooler than thou nobody like the rest of us.

SHARK JUMPED, Lance. I'm never reading this blog again.



A

ant1 said...

Anon 11:38 - Just because you dislike BSNYC doesn't mean you have to call him a Lance Armstrong. I know this is the internet and all, but have a little decency.

oldFonzie said...

On weirdos and recumbents, I've often wondered if the UCI can be blamed for global warming by their arcanely narrow definition of a bicycle.

If cyclists were allowed to compete on the most efficient machine and recumbents were to become popular years ago who knows how much fuel it could have saved.

Thanks a lot UCI.

Anonymous said...

Sorry ant1 and BSNYC/RTMS/notLA,

I lost my head there for second when certain factors lined up with evil purity. Love the blog, keep fighting the good fight, etc.

I've regained my line.


"A", not anon.

Bikeslob 80220 said...

Where can I get some of those Rock Racing rims that keep spinning when the bike is standing still?

Commiecanuk said...

anon 11:38, calling someone a "Lance Armstrong" is just taking things a little to far...I had hoped the internet would not come to this one day.

Anonymous said...

absolutely classic!! One of your bests. Bravo!!

Anonymous said...

should have had ball sign it with a quill and a bit of his orange glow tan sweat. oh no he doesn't sweat, he glistens.

Cottered Crank said...

Careful there, Snob! You are presumably no longer anonymous to Mr. Ball, and now the rest of us know you can pass for Lance when asking for autographs from busy executives. If you lose your anonymity, it will surely hinder your work in situations like the one featured today. I hope you are not getting careless. Many of us here depend on you!

Prolly Not said...

Nice post. Favorite line: "The speeds were as moderate as the crowd's response".

db said...

Here's your winner.

Way to be special, kid.

Scott said...

Why am I more interested in that Metallica/Queensryche concert than this Rock Racing thing?

BellaCroix said...

I'm not sure but looking at Michael Ball's autograph it appears he signs his name "Michael" followed by a scribble drawing of a baseball.

If it is, that's about as bad as a girl named Aimee who dots the "I" with a little heart and doodles a smiley face after her name. I might be willing to give "Aimee" $30 for a lapdance but sure wouldn't want to ride for her team - unless the rest of her team was Stephanie, Melissa, Amanda, Starr, and Chelsea and they were wearing "work clothes".

How lame! I guess we should be happy his name is Michael Ballsack.

BellaCroix said...

Make that "Happy his name is NOT Michael Ballsack". Doh.

urchin said...

I guess it's kinda obvious, but does Rock Racing have a different kit for every day of the week? How many variations of 'monster from alien-based first-person-shooter' can this guy come up with?

I too have an unexplainable interest in hearing RTMS's rendition of what Mr. Sack smells like.

The internet is ruining us all..

Anonymous said...

That picture of the weirdo on the recumbent is hilarious. The guys in the background give off a nice vibe for the event.

roomservicetaco said...

Shouldn't he have signed it Michael Pelota, in deference to Lance's other nickname 'Juan Pelota'?

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, yeah, because if I was looking to steal a bike at a crit I'd totally go for the $8K racing bike surrounded by scrawny guys with torpedo sized thigh muscles rather than the $150 CL number leaning against the fence behind the group of hipsters watching the race.

I'm sure the racers would never notice me walking into the middle of them and making off with one of their implements of compliance and stiffness. I'm also sure the hipsters would turn around from their Camels, PBR and your mom jokes and catch me in time to catch me before I pedaled away on their toe-clipped 10 speed.

leroy said...

A Michael Ball autograph for Lance Armstrong -- genius, pure genius.

You can never have enough Balls. (Okay, sorry, that was juvenile. I apologize.)

But an autograph from a guy who can't remember what exactly he supports for a guy who's a for real live philanthropist is just plain inspired.

As for Prospect Park on Saturday, I had Rock Racing beat. I slept in and got to the Park even later than they did. In fact, I got there after the race.

Good thing too.

I'm told that sometimes I sub-consciously make "vroom, vroom" noises to myself while spinning.

Some folks find that annoying. Go figure.

Michael Pelota said...

I saw that guy on the recumbent actually stand up. Not only was he dorky, he had a full basketball pot belly covered with an MIT jersey.

g said...

"Normal face, normal legs, normal hips, normal ass, but with a big, perfectly round pot belly. If I had one, I'd wear a tee-shirt two sizes too small to accentuate it."

Ti( * )( * )ies said...

The best things about the dorktastic bent.

1. Front Wheel Dork Drive. FWDD

2. The prime bottle holder location right under the bike with the nozzle just aft of the front wheel so that it can collect a nice film of the urine, feces and decayed rat that butters the streets of Manhattan.

Anonymous said...

A little confused...in the first picture is Bahati's water bottle locked to his frame with a cable?

Octopus Magic said...

That Cannondale track frame is actually worth a whopping 600 bucks or so.

Kind of confusing when you can get Fuji Track Pros COMPLETE for that price, and they're stiffer, and don't use quill stems.

That BMC makes me cry though.

SD said...

commie-
Don't worry, Michael doesn't drive the SUVs from California, he puts them on individual chartered flights. It's faster that way.

db-
I'd take first place in a $10K crit any way it came, even sliding face first across the tape. So long as they get my number right I can afford the Tegaderm.

Anonymous said...

Recumbent Picture: check out the dude drinking the brown bag wine behind him. That's Classic NYC.

Ball's Cadillac's: They are sweet.

Gas Mileage: I don't know a good way to get a cycling team and all their gear from place to place? Do you greenies make a Bitchin's Prius that hauls that kind of gear? Really, Ball's vehicle choice is Actually Practical.

new fonzie said...

Thanks to the UCI for not allowing recumbents in the TDF, and thanks for putting mountains in the TDF.
Personally, I think it would be hilarious TV to watch bearded weirdos in socks and sandals attempting Alp d'Huez.

ayyyy...

Commiecanuk said...

anon 1:35,

There's this place, called Europe, where they are known to ride bikes and occasionally run races, without the need for a single SUV. Apparently, they trailer their bikes with recumbants.

Bluenoser said...

Damn. Second in on the brownbagger. Just not fast enough.

-B

g said...

I am expecting an EricK "one less car" post on this one very soon:
"Apparently, they trailer their bikes with recumbants."

Gravity, The Bitch said...

Old Fonzie 11:55 AM.

The UCI is like gravity. It keeps us all grounded in some common form of planetary misery that we all can share, enjoy, or in the case of El Schnob; scorn.

Thinking that creating and riding a bike outside of the UCI regs is going to make a person any happier or their riding any better is like thinking that creating a woman with three boobs, and two vaginas is going to make someones numb penis work any better or have more sex. Or put differently that dudes with five testicles will love their women more.

To get really crazy, if one's time space and architecture of experience becomes so arbitrary upon one's personal fiat or whim....things get ridiculous real fast. Hence Tall bikes, FGPP's, FGFS---Those things are cool, but ONLY in the sense that life forms can live next to toxic volcanic vents in the bottom of the Pacific are cool.

Marissa said...

Crap are you right about more money than sense, at least pertaining to the fixter you photographed here...I mean, good lord, are those clogs he and/or she is wearing? That's CRAZY! And ugly.

Anonymous said...

Actually marissa those would be cycling shoes. You see those little thingees protruding from his crank arms? Those are clipless pedals. They fit wonderfully together.
-G

King George said...

Baggin' on Ball for coming in SUV's when most big teams come in big ass team buses?

WTF is wrong with NY?

I've seen more spectators at some Podunk crit in central California farm towns than what I see there in NY.

Anonymous said...

Ya know....Lance and Flatsy were not but 10 blocks away from the Harlem course the eve before being denied a table at some ultra exclusive restaraunt.

Cycle Ninja said...

"It's kind of like taking a paid escort to a party, only to have her go home with your better-looking friend for free."

Careful, Snob, you're hitting sensitive nerves there...

Bobke Strut said...

Anon 1:27-

It looks like some (maybe all) Rock Racing guys had cameras rigged up on their bikes. Check out Tyler Hamilton.

The bottle in Bahati's seat tube cage is a battery.

I'd like to see the footage of Eric Barlevav eating it right in front of Bahati at the finish line.

Martin Van Nostrand said...

Or put differently that dudes with five testicles will love their women more.

I'll point out at this point that Lance seems to have trouble with long term relationships.

Just sayin'

Commiecanuk said...

HOT 97FM moved?

I continue to be amazed after one year how much I learn from this blog.

I'd like to see the video of Tyler drafting cars. Mr. Integrity needs a camera strapped to his ass at all times.

The Not so Might C.P. Salutes said...

Marty V,

double index finger 2 raised arm point to your victory V as you have blown by me in the commenteloton
well put. I'm wondering tho.

If I got rid of one of my balls could I love more women? Maybe not love them more? but y'know just sayin' no disrepect..

ice cube said...

The guy in the black shirt looks how I look when I see a recumbutt bike...WTF is that all about? His bewilderment echoes my own. Ghetto wine on sunday is so divine!

A Godforsaken Wasteland said...

What's with the shoe covers? Jezus...wasn't like 105 degrees?

fake lance said...

Bike Snob NYC

You may be pack fodder but you finished!

Russ said...

old fonzie

How would cyclists racing on recumbents save fuel? It's not like bike racers compete on SUVs now.

-Russ

AH said...

That's not just any recumbent: It's some kinda crazy front-wheel-drive recumbent -- with a seat upholstered in blue astroturf!

Russ you already know bro =) said...

Russ'ter,

I'm thinkin' the ol' Fonz is saying that all bike racing sould be distilled down to seeing which team can come up with the latest neato form of two-wheeled human powered engineering. It seems he's making the assumption that if the UCI allowed and fomented that--then humans would all of sudden embrace and benefit from whatever latest weird HPV/technology was released by the UCI to race upon on each season.

But you already know that. Me screed bored.

bikesgonewild said...

...so, 'harlem rocks', sorta...

...turns out micheal ball signed a deal w/ the devil, not john eustice, after all...

..."so d-abs...at the end of the day, if you can't guarantee me the win, what good is giving up my soul ???...oh really ???...beat my guys to the line & the winner immediately yardsales...i like the way you think, d !!!...soul punch on that,dude, we ARE good...

Anonymous said...

Good seats for the Metallica show.

db said...

I'd like to see the footage of Eric Barlevav eating it right in front of Bahati at the finish line.

Here you go.

Love the slo-mo.

leroy said...

db -- the video works even better if you turn off the volume and hum the theme from Chariots of Fire to yourself.

But then folks nearby look at you funny.

When it's over it's over, drink up. said...

The guys kitting up in the bus shelter are Richmond Pro Cycling…the hardest working team in elite/pro racing.

Anonymous said...

bless my lucky stars! A negro! on a bicycle!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thanks for the photo links. It was something to see riders in GS Mengoni jerseys. I had no idea that the team of Grewal, Stetina, Bauer and Hincapie was still kickin' it after all these years. There are lots of us old-timers on this comment board, but I bet that the Mengoni team has been around for longer than a good portion of your readership.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 8:32, if you were a regular reader, you would have recognized that racer as the new statute of Major Taylor unveiled a few weeks ago. The statue finished 17th, if I am not mistaken, although he complained afterwards that his legs felt a little heavy.

Anonymous said...

seconding the irony of lance's gift, i think the message should have been something to the effect of "ATEOTD, it only takes A ball to be the GOD of cycling."

uglyyeti said...

I saw Queensryche open for Def Leppard in '89. That was the longest 45 minutes of my life. Worst opening act ever (and I'm counting Hootie and the Blowfish). Really liked the followup album a few years later though. Wish they'd had "Jet City Woman" on the set list in '89.

bike shyster said...

Loogid this desperate bum...The Spandexed Gourd!

sprider said...

bike shyster, we've already got that techb3 to annoy us, piss-off you git! we don't need characters like you to give the joint "atmosphere". through the door or out the window! gentlemen, escort him out.

Russ said...

I went to that Metallica/Queensryche show at the Coliseum. Maybe it was a different date, though. I'm sure I've got the ticket stub too...somewhere. Although I didn't run into Glenn Danzig.

I liked Queensryche's set, though.

bikesgonewild said...

...kinggeorge...duh, on me...i just made the association...i'd welcome ya to the site but over here somebody'd tell us to get a room...hah !!!...

...sprider...thanks for the heads up on bike shyster...guess we have another clever little mind...

Anonymous said...

Snob,

The fixster with more money than sense was actually racing that frame at Kissena on Super Sprint Sunday - with lovely carbon fiber track bars. Frankly, I think it's cool that it doubles as his ironic coffee bike.

You actually commented on something of his before - carbon track drops with no tape on them. It turned out that they were special carbon bars with integrated grip texture in the carbon. No wrap needed. You got a hard-on for this guy or what? Two strikes!!!

Anonymous said...

I love Michael Ball's moto for his in your face traveling green and black circus -- Rock Racing :: Here to Stay.

Not, "Here to Win" or "It's a Good Day to Die." It is as if Mr. Ball needs to reassure himself that, if he can just hold out long enough, there will be big payoff for the millions he's poured into his rag tag team of misfits (it shouldn't take long if the hordes line up like they're supposed to and purchase $230 lycra bib shorts).

The wart on my ass has similar meager ambitions; content with his small place in the world.

Perhaps the builders of the Titanic -- with their defiant statements of an indestructible luxury cruiser -- wouldn't have angered Neptune, God of the Sea, if they had settled for such modest ends. On the other hand, the builder of the Titanic weren't visionaries like Michael Ball.

A fixie guy said...

At at least the fixters care enough about their bikes to lock them up. It may just be a cheap piece of shit, but's it's my cheap piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

That concert ticket is almost 20 years old for godsakes!

Anonymous said...

Holy handbrakes Batman! WTF happened to this race??? I've attended several of the Harlem crits in the past and not one of the things you photographed have I ever witnessed.

Jumbotrons? Recumbents? TV coverage? Sponsorships? Shopping? What is next - renaming rights? Concession contracts? I am thoroughly disgusted...

Judi said...

YEA! I saw Metallica on that tour in Cincinnati and you are so right, Queensryche sucked SO bad! All I could do was laugh at their spandex though I was probably wearing something similar!

P.S. Cool you met Glenn Danzig. I met Perry from Jane's Addiction, drank beer with Lemmy from Motorhead and spent the night with the drummer from GBH - twice.

Anonymous said...

My comment is in video! View it below!
Video

Lard Oilrig said...

Unfortunately the Metallica ticket in question is from 1989 which is after the untimely death of Cliff Burton. His death marked the end of an era for Metallica and the death of Metallica as we knew them. I am sorry but the ticket in question is null and void.

Peggy said...

anyone know where I can get a set of those Rock Racing wheels with "COLE" on them? They'd be cool to have because of my name.

I know one recumbant rider who's not a weirdo. He's a good friend of our family's.

Anonymous said...

here is another story about making a request of Michael Ball: http://elfdontblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/panda-of-week-stages-major-coup.html and http://elfdontblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/charming-socks-off-since-1981.html

bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

that did not work. try this and this

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