In Search of the World's Greatest City in America!

As "America's Most Bike-Friendly City," New York does her best to throw that cumbersome title off her back like a bucking bronco dispensing with a redneck.  To that end, her latest rodeo clown is Bono, humanitarian and vocal stylist for aging rock band U2, who has suffered a crash in Central Park:

Just days after he ‘cheated death’ following an in-flight emergency over Germany, Bono has been forced to pull out of a scheduled TV appearance in New York after falling off his bike in Central Park on Sunday.

The U2 frontman has since been left needing surgery for an injury to his arm – and cancelled the final leg of the band’s weeklong Tonight Show appearances because of it.

As a New Yorker I hate to see anybody get hurt on a bike in my town, so naturally I've been looking for somebody to blame.  I find it unlikely that the fault lies with Bono himself, inasmuch as he is almost as famous for his bike-handling skills as he is for his singing:

Though as he's gotten older he has devolved into something of a Fred:

("Fred ride, bloody Fred ride...")

Then again, haven't we all?

I know I have.

Nevertheless, if this incident had happened in the summer I would have blamed the sun, since judging from his complexion 20 minutes of August daylight would have been more than sufficient to cause Bono to burst into flames.  However, it's been cloudy and cold here in New York, so I was forced to exonerate the hated flaming orb that torments us from on high.

Next, I tried to blame Strava, but from what I can tell Bono doesn't even use Strava...unless he rides under a pseudonym, such as "Bono H." of Boring, OR:

This was a promising lead, inasmuch as U2 does have that song where Bono goes "Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!" over and over again.  However, there were no segments in Central Park on the day of the crash, so I doubt Bono was trying to reclaim his "self-important vocalist KOM" from that Arcade Fire guy when he hit the deck.

Therefore, I'm going to go ahead and blame Specialized:

And I'm also going to attribute this to "catastrophic crabon and Zertz failure" until I hear otherwise.

In the meantime, all best wishes to our brother-in-Fredness Bono for a speedy recovery.

Meanwhile, there's an article making the rounds about how millennials should move to Des Moines:

Hey, by all means, go for it.  I'm sure it's lovely.  Judging from the video, Des Moines has half-empty cafés:

(Nothing says "cool café" like a carpeted floor.)

Mostly-empty comedy clubs:

(Kind of a morbid name for a comedy club, no?)

And boutiques that sell clever t-shirts:

(Almost as cool as the mall in White Plains.)

Though at no point do they come right out and say what the video and article are both implying:

Yep, that's right: Des Moines is 76.4% white to Portland's 76.1%.  I didn't think it was even possible for a city to be whiter than Portland, but there you go.  And after this most recent push I won't be surprised if they crack 80%, at which point they'll include a pair of plane tickets to Des Moines with your Bard degree.

Even David Byrne is stumping for them:

Talking Heads frontman and Des Moines fan David Byrne touched on that idea at the Social Club's launch party in this same courtyard, where he pondered why a music scene or an artistic scene or a theater scene develops in any city. "What makes it happen?" he asked the crowd of 500. "It's hard to say. There's no guarantees, but it is possible and it's certainly not going to happen unless there are places like this. And, sad for me to say, it's not going to happen in Manhattan anymore, which means it's up to you guys."

So wait a minute.  Because Manhattan's over everyone has to move all the way to Iowa?  Is there no middle ground?  There are other places in and around New York City, and there are even other cities on the East Coast.  I can hear Philly even as I type this:

Just kidding!  Here's what Philly is really saying:

But the biggest selling point of all for Des Moines is that it's the home of the world's most aerodynamic racing bicycle:

The most aerodynamic racing bicycle in the world is made in a business park five blocks from downtown Des Moines at Rüster. The bike runs $6,000 at the basic level, or $10,000 with all components. Ethan Davidson, the 24-year-old chief operating officer, wants to build a culture here that challenges the old way of thinking—that manufacturing world-class products should happen elsewhere. "Why not here?" says Davidson, walking through an office with desks welded and bikes crafted in the same space. "Why not manufacture carbon fiber composite products right here in Des Moines? It is happening here. It's real." 

Oh, it's real all right, and here it is:

(Disclaimer: I fell asleep a minute and a half into the video.)

So let's recap:

White as Bono's inner thighs?  Check.  Endorsed by David Byrne?  Check.  Artisanal Fred superbikes?  Check.

Good grief, they're more Portland than Portland!  So why the hell did "Bicycling" not name them the Number One Bike-Friendly City instead of us?!?

But what if you've decided to move to Des Moines but you don't want to ride an aerodynamic crabon Fred sled?  Well, you can always get a motorized fat bike instead:

According to the inventor, a motorized fat bike allows you to "go fast" and "conquer hills."  However, a simpler option would be to just skip the motor and not ride a fat bike, since basically all the motor is doing is merely overcoming the stupid fat bike.  It's like the hybrid SUV that gets 20mpg.

It is made of "aircraft grade aluminum" though:

It's always "aircraft grade," isn't it?  Like we're supposed to be impressed.  So what's lower than "aircraft grade," anyway?  Is there "sandwich-wrapping grade?"  I don't know, but Mr. Tan Shirt is going to be King of the Sidewalk on his motorized fat bike, that's for sure:

Best of all, by living in Des Moines you'll save so much money you can take up exotic hobbies like "ski biking:"
 

In 2007 friend of mine Kevin Laycraft introduced me to Ski biking. He let me use one of his ski bikes. Bikes he designed and built. I have to be honest, I was scared at first. At the end of second hour of ski biking at Lake Louise, I new that this is my winter sport. I felt so comfortable, safe, happy. Recently I built myself a second ski bike, based on Kevin's design.

She's a real beauty, too:

Though don't forget to wear your duck feet:

And here he is in action:




Fat bike my ass:

I was wondering what all those snowboarders were doing lying around on the trail in the video, but now I know they were probably doubled over with laughter.