Thursday, February 26, 2015

What's the boiling point for credibility?

Here's an amusing little antidone antelope story that should warm your cockles on this cold Febuwary Februrary month-after-January day:


I returned to a bicycle coated with ice and attempted, shakily, to navigate an ice-covered street. A man watched and literally scoffed at me with the “sorry, sucker” look on his face, then climbed into his car. Slowly, I wobbled the bike past his car as he started it and hit the gas. The car didn’t move a bit, but the wheels were spinning plenty.

Delightful.  There are few sights more amusing than that of a floundering driver, which is why I watch this whenever I need a little pick-me-up:



The only thing that would have made this video even better would have been if a cyclist passed by and yelled "You suck!" at the hapless motorist.

Speaking of angry idiots, remember this?



I certainly do.  In fact, when I watched that video for the first time five years ago, I fell to my knees and prayed to the Almighty Lobster On High that this hateful Hutt would one day wind up a crackhead who has to resort to selling his own pajamas on eBay for his next hit.

Well, guess what a reader tells me he's doing right this very moment?


Yep, that's right.  The Lobster God is real, and S/he is spectacular:


You are bidding on an original piece of memorabilia from former Toronto Mayor, and current Toronto Councillor Rob Ford.

These are the print patterned pants that Councillor Rob Ford was seen wearing on a shopping trip to Wal-Mart.

http://www.torontolife.com/tag/twitter/page/3/
http://www.torontolife.com/informer/toronto-politics/2012/08/02/rob-ford-walmart-book-pyjamas/

This item ships to Canada and the USA.

Once again, this is the original piece, not a reproduction - there is only one of these in existence.

This item comes accompanied with a signed, original, Certificate of Authenticity from Councillor Rob Ford himself.

Of course, while the Lobster God may giveth, S/he also taketh away (to say nothing of that dreadful lithp), because there I was all full of mirth and laughing at that Jared Fogle-esque photo when it occurred to me that he was probably undergoing painful chemotherapy at that very moment.

There went my mirth.  So thanks for nothing, so-called "Lobster God."  THE GUY GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE AND NOW I CAN'T LAUGH AT HIM BECAUSE CANCER?  I RENOUNCE YOU!!!  BLESSED BE THE HARDY MAINERS WHO WREST YOU FROM THE SEA TO BE BOILED FOR OUR CULINARY DELECTATION!!!



Sill, while I may have felt a degree of shame for laughing at a guy with cancer, I'm far more ashamed that I was ever a fan of professional cycling, a sport which now exudes the same sort of desperation that causes you to slowly back away from people in bars.  To wit, this ad for everybody's favorite bike race named after a motorway, the "E3 Harleybeak;"


Classy.




This year’s campaign plays on the infamous moment when Peter Sagan decided to grope podium girl Maja Leye’s bottom as she planted the obligatory winner’s kiss on Fabian Cancellara’s cheek at the Tour of Flanders in 2013. He later presented her with flowers, because flowers make everything alright after a sexual assault, don’t they?


Hey, in fairness to Peter Sagan, he didn't just give her flowers.  He also issued one of the creepiest and least sincere video apologies of all time:


(Peter Sagan: Sex Offender)

Seriously, at least finish wanking before you press "record."

As for the E3 Hairybeaker, here's a less controversial ad for you:

You're welcome.

I look forward to yet another year of bike dorks with dodgy feeds live-Tweeting the event to their dozens of followers.

Another outstanding example of cycling's cloying desperation is that they have to go to the desert and ride around in deadly heat for the amusement of absolute monarchs:



High winds and temperatures caused headaches on Saturday for Merckx, who co-owns and organizes the Tour of Oman along with the Tour of Qatar.

Merckx had to move the stage 5 start from the Al Sawadi Beach to a new point closer to the finish at Muscat’s Ministry of Housing because of high winds kicking up sand. In the capital city of Muscat, though, triple-digit temperatures caused some tires to explode while the cyclists descended on the first neutralized circuit.

The riders — led by Tom Boonen (Etixx-Quick-Step) and Fabian Cancellara (Trek Factory Racing) — stopped and protested. Boonen said, “It’s life threatening when you’re going 90 kilometers an hour and the tire explodes. We are all fathers and sons, we are not here to fight a war.”

Merckx dismissed the riders' concerns:

Merckx retorted that had the peloton been racing, the heat would not have been a concern.

“It was only 38 [100°F], that’s not so hot,” he said. “The problem was that the riders came down in a bunch and everyone was braking. If they would’ve been racing, coming down one by one, the problem wouldn’t have occurred.”

Oh, shut up you old doper.

As for the riders, it could be worse--they could be Omani:

Oman is an absolute monarchy. The Sultan Qaboos bin Said al Said is the self-appointed leader of the country since 1970. Sultan Qaboos does not tolerate criticism and Omani citizens have very few rights.[58]

The practice of torture is widespread in Oman state penal institutions and has become the state's typical reaction to independent political expression.[10][11] Torture methods in use in Oman include mock execution, beating, hooding, solitary confinement, subjection to extremes of temperature and to constant noise, abuse and humiliation.[10] Since 2011, the Omani government has arrested and tortured many Omanis,[10] there have been numerous reports of torture and other inhumane forms of punishment perpetrated by Omani security forces on protesters and detainees.[12] Several prisoners detained in 2012 complained of sleep deprivation, extreme temperatures, and solitary confinement.[59] Omani authorities kept Sultan al-Saadi in solitary confinement, denied him access to his lawyer and family, forced him to wear a black bag over his head whenever he left his cell, including when using the restroom, and told him his family had “forsaken” him and asked for him to be imprisoned.

I'm sure Old Man Merckx would have done the same to Boonen and Co. if he could.

But of course the most important question in all of this is "Would any of this have been mitigated if the riders had been using dick breaks?"  Well, according to Lennard Zinn, the answer is "Not really:"

Certainly, disc brakes would make the rim-heating problem a non-issue, but I don’t think we are yet at the day where little lightweight road disc brakes with tiny rotors have sufficient heat capacity to not boil the fluid on 120-degree days, particularly under heavy riders who brake in a prolonged way. I don’t think anybody wins the argument of which is preferable — blowing a tire or having total brake failure!

Furthermore, I posit that even if the riders had not been braking at all and instead were descending at speed, they would simply have burst into flames.  Therefore, it seems fairly obvious to me that the next Tour of Oman should be on fixies:


That way they can descend slowly without transferring heat to the rims and tires.

Lastly, if cycling is the new golf, then triathlon is the new Scientology:



I wonder if they can help triathletes reach that most elusive of goals: riding a bicycle without falling down.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

Crescent fresh!

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Somewhere.

Anonymous said...

PODIIIYYYYY!!

Anonymous said...

Yomani

JB said...

Triathlon research?!

Anonymous said...

Sagan is just honoring Rissian traditions.

Anonymous said...

Mercyx is no longer the greatest bike racer of all time. John Tomac is.

PotbellyJoe said...

IS Zinn suggesting that on 120° days riders in a neutralized descent would be able to get brake fluid to over 500°? Because Shimano's oil in my disk brakes on my MTB is rated to boil north of 530°.

Sorry I just don't buy it. His other explanation almost makes sense, except for PVRT (yes PERVERT) equations that say since the volume (V) is going to stay relatively the same the Pressure will increase when temperature increases, so the mechanics should have run less pressure to adjust for the expansion from heat.

Didn't their iPhone apps tell them that?

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Eddie Mercs said...

Could someone who speaks Phlegmish translate the slogan from the naughty poster for us sad monoglot Freds? Thanks

Buffalo Bill said...

Tryathlon dude: "Empowering and scary all at the same time."

That about sums it up.

PotbellyJoe said...

It translates to:

"Who 'pinches/squeezes' them in Harelbeke?"

dop said...

My triathlon goals are simple. Mid-pack finish in the Olympic-length races, age-group podium in the sprints.

Sometimes I just hum Chariots of Fire while riding my bike

JB said...

Is the hand expelling air to raise the podium woman's skirt, or is it just exquisite timing?

RUMP NICE

grog said...

What's he doing to that tree?

The Robot Engineer said...

When I first read "Oh, shut up you old doper.", I wasn't sure whether you were referring to Merckx or Boonen.

Freddy Murcks said...

Epic post, Snob. To wit, if the UCI had any moral compass, they would boycott states like Oman. But alas ... It'll be all dope and despots going forward.

Regular guy said...

I'm a heavy rider who practiced some prolonged braking this morning on the long downhill ride to work.

Brakes worked fine at -5 'merican, and my tires didn't fall off.

Face felt like it might, though, thus all the braking.


le Correcteur said...

Top twenty and read, more or less

Col. Kilgore said...

I love the smell of brakes in the morning.

Anonymous said...

That description of torture in the prisons in Oman souunds like a typical evening at Applebees.

cycle

BamaPhred said...

Triathlon, after jumping, pulling, stretching, and squeezing for 30 minutes to get into my fancy nancy swimsuit I was too exhausted to compete. So I went to the Waffle House where I promptly podiumed on a delectable array of cholesterol and lard laden goodness.

DB said...

I didn't know Boonen was still racing.

Bryan said...

After reading the articles about the tour of oman, 2 things stick out. 1)Merckx is probably making loads of money doing this and 2) who the hell would put oman as a tourist destination?

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

Some of us go way back, in the way back machine, the tush in the ad, is that Frilly Tush's tush?

The Accidental Tourist said...

Before I call my travel agent (Leroy's Dog is still organizing tours, isn't he?) Oman, does it have an Al Qaeda government or an ISIS government? Will the event be covered by Al Jazeera?

DB said...

I will be in Doha, Qatar and Abu Dhabi, UAE in April.

leroy said...

My dog told me I'm not ready for the full Triathlon Research Camp.

But he did sign me up for the swim portion.

I'm very excited.

I mean all the best stories start with "This one time a Triathlon Research Camp...."

Satan said...

Eddie never feels the HEAT ...

He ain't heavy he's me BROther

SATAN said...

make that ...

He ain't combustible, he's me BROther

Telegram Sam said...

I thought chemo made you eat LESS....

dockworker said...

Another outstanding example of cycling's cloying desperation is that they have to go to the desert and ride around in deadly heat for the amusement of absolute monarchs:

That's the truth right there.

The UCI has no problem taking a despot's money. It spends well.

Anonymous said...

If the UCI had any moral compass they would boycott Qatar, a country using Nepali and North Korean slave labor to build for their World Cup. Look it up.

Comment deleted said...

Peter Sagan looks like he just completed the "Tour of Onan".

bieks said...

If it's hot out, take the (air conditioned, team) bus.

bieks said...

I hope Robba made it onto that People of Walmart website. He deserves the publicity.

Jan! said...

A local newspaper cartoonist has made an alternative poster for the E3 Prijs: http://2.standaardcdn.be/extra/digitaleditions/packages/DO/DSA/20150226/494/8/to/Image-0-0-88722.jpg

The original said: "Wie 'knijpt' ze in Harelbeke?", a pun that means "Who pinches them in Harelbeke?" as well as "Who is scared in Harelbeke?"

The parody says "Wie gaat hard in Harelbeke?" which is the same double-entendre in English: "Who goes hard in Harelbeke?"

Jan! said...

Let's try linking to that E3 cartoon again.

babble on said...

Whew! Just finished the tour of On an myself, and I didn't fall down once, though I did go down. It was a total success, even if it wasn't a race to the finish, and despite the overheating which led to a small and somewhat messy explosion...
What did I miss?
Heyyyyy! Izzat my lovely Frilly sweet cheeks I spy up there with my little eye?

il Pirata est Mort said...

Eddie has L*b-sized hands in that picture.

Anonymous said...

EDDY EDDY

Unknown said...

We should start a fundraiser to get BikeSnob a VISP VP A01 Red 48 cm, 51 cm, 54 cm 700C 14 Gears Men Road Bike Speed Road Bicycle Mechanical Disc Brakes for the best bike review ever.

P. Bateman said...

i'm going to have to turn down my a/c. kind of chilly in my house. this winter stuff is brutal.

GET SOME...warmer climate.

Uncle AssGrabbler said...

Enough with the Hairybeck ass grabbling fake air kissing podium nonsense. Sensationalize this properly. At E3, and the TDF for all I care, hire porn stars for podium grrlz or boyz and podiumites get a grope instead of a phony kiss. Everybody winz!

BamaPhred said...

Professional cycling, AND credibility? You ask too much, Wildcat. I propose Pro cyclists wear masks, such as Lucha Libre wrestlers. On race days Every hour there is a "wrestle-off" and the winners continue. Of course, all winners are summarily DQ'd 5 years after the event, because of course they were doping.

P. Sagan said...

****ATTENTION UMA****

Me tube steak has deflated. Need an immediate inflation. I'm at the corner of Hand Street and Job Avenue. Hurry! Please!

Begonia said...

That advertisement is way, way, skeezier than Peter Sagan's one ass-grab. Why the hell does professional cycling still use models as podium girls anyway?

DB said...

I'll be blogging while in the UAE.
CamelSnobUAE.
I will also be selling the Leroys Dog line of greeting cards.

JLRB said...

Certainly, disc brakes would make the rim-heating problem a non-issue, but I don’t think we are yet at the day where little lightweight road disc brakes with tiny rotors have sufficient heat capacity to not boil the fluid on 120-degree days, particularly under heavy riders who brake in a prolonged way. I don’t think anybody wins the argument of which is preferable — blowing a tire or having total brake failure!

WHAT ABOUT mechanical dick beaks?

crosspalms said...

DB,
My wife was in Doha for a couple of days recently. Windy, dusty, and hot, she said, but she got a great rug from this guy.

DB said...

Thanks for the link, Crosspalms.

McFly said...

Asses were made to be squeezed. It's science. If I hug my girl and don't go in for even a moderate grope she asks if I am feeling OK.

PotbellyJoe said...

@JLRB, the PTFE coating could melt on the cable and then who knows what could happen!

I not a robot. Robots don't wear lederhosen.

Anonymous said...

****ATTENTION****

I earned $40,000.00 in one week orally inflating flatted bicycle tyres on the street. I am NOT a Robot. My name begins with the letter U. I have my own app. P. Sagan call me.

Not a New Yorker said...

Ass grabbing a podium tart. How can that be assault? Doesn't assault mean black eyes or bloody nose or something? It looks like the 21st century is going to be long and boring...

Old-timer said...

“Oh, shut up you old doper.” Ah! wish I had a nickel for every time someone said that to ME. No, wait, it was: “Oh, shut up you old dope.” Or, wait, it was…um…a…I forget…

Dave said...

Snob is living dangerously - abjuring a supernatural entity that he previously venerated - he might be found floating in the Hudson, covered with curiously large pinch-marks. No criminality suspected - Deities have get-out-of-blame free cards.

As for me , I'm confronting - I'm empowered - I'm holding myself accountable, or at least holding myself - and I'm getting a beer.

Texas John Slaughter said...

So Snobbie,

I'm visiting New Yawk next week and I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Not being a native and not wanting to offend, I was wondering? Should I sport my open carry double Glock G26's or my pearl handled Patton autograph model Pearl Handled Colt 1917 chrome plated .45s? I'll be carrying using my Ronald Raygun genuine ostrich leather quick draw side holster with wrap around cartridge belt. I don't want to stand out. Thanks for your assistance re this matter.


McFly said...

I like the way the disembodied Harry Beake hand model is rocking a protective glove yet the fingers are removed for maximum sensory input.