Monday, April 19, 2010

Breaking the Duck: Coming to Terms with Cycling

This past weekend, the Amstel Gold Race took place in the Netherlands. The Netherlands (which is in Europe) should not be confused with the "nether regions" (with are in your pants); nor should the Amstel Gold Race, which is a "Classic" road race, be confused with the "Amstel Light race," which is when a bunch of people who have been drinking large quantities of watery beer compete for the use of a bar's only restroom. In the case of the latter, to the loser goes the spoils--if of course by "spoils" you mean "wetting your nether regions." In the case of the former, apparently the big question on everybody's mind beforehand was whether or not the Dutch would be able to "break their duck:"

Not being a sports fan, I had honestly never heard of "breaking your duck" before I read this (though I have heard of stepping on a duck), so I assumed that it either referred to the consequences of excessive "foffing off," or else that it was actually a typo for "brake your duck" and was intended as a nod to the growing "freestyle ducking" scene. Anyway, I guess their duck remained intact, since Philippe Gilbert of Belgium won, after which he went around embracing his teammates one duck at a time:

Inasmuch as "palpable" means "able to be touched or felt," I was a little concerned that Gilbert was able to literally touch or feel his teammates' relief as he hugged them, as it implies that his victory may have raised a little more than some eyebrows. Indeed, it sounds like the ducks over at Amstel Gold may have been a little too intact. This is not the first time relief at Amstel has been palpable, either; back in 2001, when Eric Dekker beat Lance Armstrong, you could "palp" his relief from quite a long distance:

Tragically, Dekker broke his duck later that day while celebrating privately (and vigorously) in his "nether regions."

Of course, the naysayers ("naysayers" is pretentious for "haters") will say that Gilbert had an easy time of it since a bunch of favorites were unable to travel due to that Icelandic volcano that sounds like a death metal band:

I too invoked the volcano as an excuse (praise be to Lob, mighty Provider of Excuses) for not doing any number of things this past weekend, including: visiting relatives; getting out of bed; brushing my teeth; or putting on pants. There's nothing easier than spending a weekend in bed and occasionally poking your head out from under the covers in order to utter the words "Can't--Eyjafjallajökull" when someone attempts to wake you up--except for actually saying "Eyjafjallajökull," of course, which is pretty hard. (I mostly just pronounced it, "Leave me alone.")

I did manage to do one thing this weekend, though, which was to visit the bathroom and peruse the May issue of "Men's Journal," which is the one with Robert Downey, Jr. making "karate hands" on the cover:
I'm totally "feeling" the "karate hands" gesture and am now incorporating it into my everyday interactions by using it as visual punctuation at the end of my sentences. I use it not to be threatening, but more as a sort of "douche-clamation" point. For example, it's great when you want to be that irritating guy ordering food. "Can I get a Jarritos with that 'epic' burrito? Thanks, dude. [Insert karate hands "douche-clamation point" here.] " (For extra "douche cred," wear an expensive watch and have an idling Range Rover or Mercedes SUV double-parked out front.)

Anyway, the reason I was reading this issue of "Men's Journal" is because I'm in it [insert karate hands here], but I was amused to see it also features a cyclocross-themed fashion photo spread, complete with Tim Johnson wearing a $1,930 Louis Vuitton windbreaker:

Obviously, few things go better together than cyclocross and windbreakers--except possibly cyclocross and Luis Vuitton. Ironically, this is a huge coup for Rapha, since it makes the $195 Rapha jersey and $205 Rapha bib shorts Johnson is wearing seem eminently affordable. Still, as incongruous as this is, I was nonetheless pleased to see hardworking riders like Tim Johnson, Jeremy Powers, and Jamey Driscoll getting the sort of attention usually reserved for more "mainstream" athletes. I also hope they at least let Johnson keep the windbreaker, and that he'll wear it on the podium next season while making "karate hands."

Of course, in addition to wisecracks from some guy with a book to promote and photos of hip athletes modeling "lifestyle" clothes, no glossy men's magazine would be complete without a first-person account of some guy undertaking an "epic" adventure in order to shake up his otherwise mundane life. Just as the "Hero's Journey" typically involves the elements of "Separation, Transformation, and Return," the tale of the Glossy Men's Magazine Hero (or "GMMH") generally follows this template:

1) GMMH (think Robert Mackey) is having a "Midlife Crisis;"
2) GMMH learns of a highly organized, pre-packaged "ordeal" that takes place in an exotic location (otherwise known as an "adventure vacation");
3) GMMH purchases a bunch of expensive equipment for aforementioned "ordeal;"
4) GMMH succeeds in completing "ordeal", seemingly against the odds though in fact totally in keeping with the odds since the "ordeal" is designed for and marketed to people exactly like him. (Think me.)

In this particular issue of "Men's Journal," the GMMH "epic" adventure story is called "What Doesn't Kill Us Will Save Our Marriage," and it's about a guy who, along with his wife, decides to take part in the "Speight's Coast to Coast," which is some kind of cycling/running/kayaking thing in New Zealand. (Multi-disciplinary "ordeals" provide for maximum equipment-purchasing opportunities.) What was particularly noteworthy to me was that, despite choosing an "ordeal" that involves cycling, the author really doesn't seem to like it. In fact, he says in the beginning that, as a result of his adventure vacation, he "made my peace with road cycling (except for the dorky helmets, clumsy cleats, fey costumes, and cyclists themselves)."

You know, because there's nothing dorky about running and kayaking.

One essential component of the GMMH ordeal is that it be sidebar-friendly so that the magazine can provide a handy list of stuff you can purchase in order to do the same thing. Here's the bike portion of that sidebar:

Yes, nothing "nichey" about a custom Seven. I mean, I realize the guy is really tall and that a custom bike makes sense, but this is a pretty extravagant purchase for someone who, four months before a cycling trip to New Zealand, doesn't even own a bike and has "never used clip-in pedals." Then again, he does plan to still be riding it 20 years from now. (In a strange universal paradox, custom titanium road bikes are always "The last bike I'll ever buy" yet are also perpetually for sale lightly used on the Serotta forums.) Also, I know what you're wondering, and the answer is, "Yes, the headtube on that Seven is massive:"


("Epic" headtubes for "epic" rides.)

Despite (or perhaps because of) owning a fine custom titanium Seven bicycle, the author is still at odds with cycling. As he says at one point in the article:

I've become familiar with several subspecies of athlete--from data-driven, can't-shut-up-about-it triathletes to aggro, ascetic power lifters--but cyclists are among the worst. Because I'm tall (6-foot-7), I bit the bullet and went custom, shelling out five grand and change for a Seven Axiom S. The featherweight titanium goosed my speed but also got me hazed.

"Seven, huh?" asked one cyclist who came up from behind me on a country road in January. He wore clear wraparound Oakleys to keep me from tearing up in the wind and Gore-Tex booties over his cleats to keep his toes warm (it was 40 degrees). We chatted briefly about how I liked the Seven (a lot) and the company's pedigree (Merlin, the titanium mountain bike specialist). Then he mused, pointedly, "Yep. A lot of money on these roads. Makes you wonder if they'll ever learn to ride."
They?

It's possible the guy with the shoe covers (I'm not sure what's wrong with wearing shoe covers when it's 40 degrees) was hazing him, but it's also possible that, after spending thousands of dollars on a custom bicycle, the author has become acutely self-conscious. (Ownership is pain.) Either way, though, regardless of how experienced you are, at a certain point you sort of forfeit the right to be critical of others' elitism. It's like writing an article about your winery tour and saying, "Boy I hate these wine snobs with their talk of bouquets, grapes, and mouthfeel. Anyway, as I was leaving the wine shop with my $900 bottle of 1982 Chateaux LaDouche..."

In any case, the guy and his wife eventually manage to finish the race. While I would never begrudge anyone (or couple) their vacation, this article still makes me wonder why so many people seem to want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to equip themselves for activities they don't seem to enjoy. Sure, glossy magazines need to promote this whole "adventure" idea to bored people with money, but just once I'd like to read an article called "Having a Really Awesome Time Using Shit You Already Have."

As for the GMMH in this article, I hope he really does keep his Seven for 20 years; moreover, I hope he also continues to embrace cycling, "fey costumes" at all. However, if he doesn't, he can take solace in the fact that he can always trade the bike in for a suit of armor (as you can see in this Craigslist post which was forwarded to me by a reader):



Power X Bicycle and Accessories (willing to trade for suit of armor) - $40 (Knoxville)

Date: 2010-04-18, 9:59PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

1 Bicycle
1 UT Construction hat
1 Broken Pair of sunglasses
1 Franzia Helmet
1 Slightly Used Baseball Bat

$40 or willing to trade for 1 suit of armor, 1 box of dino snacks, and $15 for booze.


If he thinks cyclists are bad, just wait until he hits the "renaissance faire" circuit.

94 comments:

shoegazer said...

thanks mom!

ant1 said...

full podium?

shoegazer said...

loveless

Anonymous said...

damn

dignan said...

maybe...

ant1 said...

that was weird, it showed my comments as number 1 and 2 and then a new number one showed up. guess i got relegated.

shoegazer said...

it's the banana pudding

Concerned 2.0 said...

thanks japanese slow drip coffee!

Anonymous said...

Top twenty

Anonymous said...

Bad Cyclists

Nogocyclist said...

Meh!

I'm late.

g said...

So there I was, zero comments, and then I decided to read the post. oh well.

boys on the hoods said...

AYNBMD
All you naysayers break my duck

Salty and Sore said...

Announcement:

Due to financial difficulties, the Follow-the-Snob Tour has been moved from the hipster cities of Boston, Atlanta, Minneapolis, and San Diego, to Newark, Detroit, Milwaukee, and Bakersfield. Additionally, we are soliciting for sponsorship by Massengill, Summer's Eve, or AIG.

Carry on.

Anonymous said...

well

hillbilly said...

saw a preponderance of sevens (sevi?) in the park this weekend.

dignan said...

Great post. 10/10.

An article titled:

"Having a Really Awesome Time Using Shit You Already Have."

would, of course be a guide to foffing off.

le constructeur said...

left coast top 20?

brother yam said...

Minneapolis is a hipster city? Well, knock me over with a feather.

Anonymous said...

PALP ABLE

Concerned 2.0 said...

What did I miss something? Had to go back and re-read. What are you in Men's Journal for? Are you pretty much saying we actually have to pay to find out??!!First the book and now this? Will this blog become a subsrciption service soon? Or are you really Robert Downey Jr? I certainly didnt think you could be one of the cyclocross models as you are a petty cat3 racer.

cp said...

If I have a stroke at an early age it is almost certainly going to be because of reading about someone like Seven Ti guy.

George Not Hincapie said...

Yeah, but eventually, you start looking around (feverishly) for something to stick it in.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Concerned 2.0,

The blog will always be free, and I'm sure you can check out the "Men's Journal" bit in the waiting room at your next dental appointment.

--RTMS

Nogocyclist said...

Ant1 you are slacking off. In the comments of the link to the 2008 blog post you were first and second. Today you were second, third, and fourth.

You need to shape up.

I got your Flugelhorn for you said...

Darn it, I reach down to adjust my Duck and all of a sudden there's a full gas sprint on...

Todd said...

Funny. But it seems the Anonymous Snob of Old would have slayed the GMMH a little harder.

It might just be me but it feels like some of the drama is now gone, kinda like watching "Who's the Boss?" after Tony and Angela finally hooked up.

ant1 said...

nogo - i had some setbacks in my training. i got stung/bitten by something collecting wood saturday night (camping, not what you were thinking), which rendered me unable to ride sunday. my allergies are giving me 5hit too, but don't worry, i'll be at my peak come july.

ant1 said...

nogo - damn, that 2008 post was my first professnobal win, and pre-ant1st!. brings back a lot of memories.

ben said...

6'7"? I am that height too. It's true, I do search for bikes with massive headtubes. I wonder if the person who purchased the Seven bicycle has ever heard of the Cannondale CAAD5 that comes in 66cm size by request?

Anonymous said...

Beautiful titanium Seven. How many babies does that thing weigh?

Anonymous said...

Snobby? What is the use? A blog is like a sentence of
conditional release. You're free as long as you keep
filling the spaces. No matter how blase or silly.

Any ride safely concluded is a good one.

Any rider safely home is lucky.

Any bike safely ridden is a good one.

Why doesn't matter and everyone else's opinion is moot.

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob, the guy being from New Zealand was talking in Celsius and not Fahrenheit. So maybe he has a point about using the booties when it is 95 degrees outside....

ervgopwr said...

Back from Sea Otter having an adventure with shit I already own.

Chris said...

No fair, I've always planned on using the Coast to Coast as my midlife crisis escape! Beside who could resist a race sponsored by the Bud equivalent brewery in NZ. Witness http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVbOVX_gCMc&feature=related

System Administrator said...

I swear, Eben, you're as bad as the "children" with these duck jokes. You are setting such a poor example.

Anonymous said...

Nor should the Amstel Gold Race that takes place in the Netherlands be confused with a classical in flat terrain. Those guys can surely climb: 20+ long climbs with an 8%+ grade!

Speaking of cycling and palping the ducks that reside in our nether regions, I wonder if any of the racers is fortunate enough to have post-race recovery massages that include a "happy ending".

Biggus Diccus said...

Snob,

Can't wait to see this post in your Bicycling column.

Way to bite the hand next to the hand that feeds.

WELL HUNG

ringcycles said...

I sure hope Timmie, J-Pow, and Jamey got to keep the clothes. I was stunned that the LV jacket cost almost as much as the Zipp wheels that TJ is popping wheelies on. Then again, the typical Louis Vuitton retail shopper might be stunned to learn that a set of bicycle wheels cost more than a designer couture jacket. Different strokes for different ducks

TheTye said...

BikeSnob-

You are blowing up like an Icelandic Volcano.

leroy said...

Note: if you need a Surly Big Dummy to transport a newly acquired breast pump, the pharmacy may have sold you the outdated coal-fired steam engine model.

I'd go back and ask to see what they have in titanium.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha Chateau LaDouche

TJ Eckleburg said...

Duck is European-British actually- for zero, comes from duck-egg which is in the shape of a circle/zero.

Also the dude had the toe warmers on his cleats, I think that was the problem. Difficult to clip in.

Oh and well done Snobby!

mander said...

Magnificent post today RT.

Anonymous said...

$5300 Seven Axiom S is a nice bike to write off your taxes for writing an article about your vacation [Insert karate hands "douche-clamation point" here.]

CommieCanuck said...

Men's Journal summary:

1. Lift heavy things
2. Eat salads
3. Buy Viagra

mikeweb said...

First illegal comment, brought to you by Times Up

Anonymous said...

that 6'7" Seven riding guy spends $5300 on a bike for one trip, albiet epic. and a magazine makes a story out of such an obvious tool. not sure I'd want to share a magazine with that guy, notwithstanding the uber-hip (hollywood pretension for recoving drug addict) robert downy jr on the cover rocking the ironic karate hands.

CommieCanuck said...

As you know, I'm still waiting for America to return to normal, or as I call it, the Obamacalypse.

The third horseman, the KFC "Double-Down": a hunk of fried 'chicken', bacon, cheese, and another hunk of fried 'chicken'. No sign of any bread or veggie for miles.

STRO KOUT

CommieCanuck said...

Come to think of it, the only real super power Iron Man has is his super-douchiness.

HIII YAAH

ant1 said...

CC - the bread and veggies were force fed to the chickens and pigs that were used to make the sandwich. simple trickle down vegonomics.

Salty and Sore said...

BD-

Really?

Paul said...

That Seven certainly has massively sloping top tube (that's a genune observation, not a dirty double entendre). That may be why he wasn't so crazy about cycling.

Salty and Sore said...

by-

So, they tell me.

Good bowling, and flaccid, midwestern beer would tend to corroborate.

Great cycling and transportation are the coup de grace. I guess the clubs are okay, too.

If I'm bitter, it's because I missed seeing a 40-year old Soundgarden on Friday, trying to prove they can still wear the duct-tape-covered pants in the family.

Salty and Sore said...

ant1-

You're still first.

Nice show, shoegazer. Props!

db said...

Karate hands are the new finger guns. If you had to work with the marketing department, this would be old news...

Anonymous said...

Invest some of that book advance money in spellcheck already!

Retro Grouch said...

When it comes to reading material of the gentleman's sporting magazine monthlyway, I prefer to view publications from the 1950's.
They give wholesome training and health advice plus the advertising of related products is limited to two or three pages per copy.

If any such product prompts me to consider a purchase I defer to interweb suppliers, safe in the knowledge that any such purchase will inevitably be 'unobtainable'.

CommieCanuck said...

simple trickle down vegonomics.

I heard the leftover chicken parts are fed to the pigs, and the leftover pig lips and assholes are fed back to the chickens. All of which are ground up to feed to the cows, to make milk for the cheese. The original chickens are fed soylent green, which is made from dead Pee-pul, who died prematurely from the double-down induced coronary infarct.

Ah, the circle of life.

Anonymous said...

'Chateaux' LaDouche? Reallys.

the heckler said...

I'd ride up to mr. 6'7" sipping my glass of chateau la douche 1954 (the best vintage) and ask 2 questions, 'does leonard zinn know your riding his bike?' and 'does his little sister know you have her helmet?'

krazygl00 said...

In fact, he says in the beginning that, as a result of his adventure vacation, he "made my peace with road cycling (except for the dorky helmets, clumsy cleats, fey costumes, and cyclists themselves)."

What part of road cycling does that leave?

ant1 said...

CC - the people want recycling, the people get recycling.

Works for me said...

This whole post is like applying a cheese-grater to the nipple of my ire.

Anonymous said...

Anyone doing mountains of misery in May?

red neckerson said...

damm snobby i wasnt reading yor blog back then but after reading yor post on that robert mackey feller it made my ass feel like the day after i got drunk and ate like two packages of sunflower seeds escept i was too drunk to take off the shells first

im saying it hurt me bad

BMODe said...

you didn't note that contador celebrated sans fingerbang. Check out velonews

sumadis said...

clearly the best way to offset a midlife crisis is to get a magazine to finance it. I only feel a little sadness for the dude's wife. I bet they're into crossfit and paleo diets too. his for-shit-form front squat combined with his for-shit riding position should land him in a nice expensive chiropractor's office soon, forcing the need to visit one of those lightly used serrota forums.

Never Knows Best said...

Hillbilly, the word for seven in Latin, septem, is indeclinable, so you can't use sevi to say multiple sevens. I suppose you could use an adjective phrase like multae Septem birotae (many (or multipke) Seven bicycles).

-Amo birotam meum!

Tubthumper said...

I've just broken my duck in the bath. Now there's yellow flotsom everywhere...

Anonymous said...

AYNSMN
All you naysayers suck my nether regions

Daddo said...

"It might just be me but it feels like some of the drama is now gone, kinda like watching "Who's the Boss?" after Tony and Angela finally hooked up"

I don't know - Alyssa Milano was hitting puberty at just that time!

Billy Reid said...

lovely post, Snob.

I need your advice Snob. This weekend at my local circuit race, I came across a guy rolling around the office park parking lot on a full-fledged hipster fixie, complete with white risers and grips. I felt rather compelled to request, in the most snarky of tones, that he show me some fixed gear freestyling. "Ya know, give me a barspin or nose wheelie," I reqeusted. I did come to learn from a friend that he's a T-Town "regular" (although a very unimpressive 3/4), but here's the question. Did he deserve that, or did I go overboard?
I admit that it seems like a reasonable idea to roll around a race venue on a single-speed, but, then again, anyone I see with spoke cards had better be ready to show me some some "sweet" street-to-sidewalk-via-curbcut transfers.

Unknown said...

i'd recognize that tush anywhere!

Steve M said...

I'm torn. I like how the adventurer described "data-driven, can't-shut-up" trigeeks. So so true. But while that's a fair assessment, he sounds generally disgruntled. kudos to you for getting to the nub of it. And amen to the notion of having a blast with crap you already have. [Please insert doucheclamation point here]

E. Dekker said...

Come see me model at MoMA's latest art exhibit:

http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/overreaction_j3FM57spqaOoC8FvxobYIJ#ixzz0lYTvLXgN

I am excited to see you!

Paul said...

Oh how I love MensHealth. Thanks to MensHealth I have middle aged white males telling me that the soy milk that I am getting in my coffee is going to kill me or just make my dick fall off. Apparently I must be in poor health as a man since I am not so blessed to read such garbage. Outside is just as bad as far as yuppie consumerism goes. I'm going to go have an awesome time with shit I already have.

Salty and Sore said...

heath-

Points to you, sir.

Salty and Sore said...

Hey Paul-

I wouldn't worry about the whole soy milk thing. It's all hooey.
I've been drinking the stuff for years, and my... well... uh. Nevermind.

What's important is to pay attention to the ads next to said, Soy-milk story. I'm sure it contains some secret to regrowth. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Anonymous said...

Anyone know where I can find some Pumas and Nikes?

Anonymous said...

Im in need of some Duck shoes, any thoughts?

Anonymous said...

The duck they are referring to is a term used in the noble and mighty game of cricket! If a batsman gets out without scoring any runs, he is said to have gone out for a duck. If he's no good and has a series of ducks, the next time he is batting he will be trying to break his duck. Which has absolutely nothing to do with cycling in the netherlands nor your nether regions for that matter.

As for the Coast to Coast, a magnificent event.

sherpa said...

Shouldn't this have been titled "Breaking the Duck: Coming to TERNS with Cycling"?

Anonymous said...

"Either way, though, regardless of how experienced you are, at a certain point you sort of forfeit the right to be critical of others' elitism."

Wuh? So you're giving up the blog?

Anonymous said...

Driscoll wears a jacket by CALVIN KLEIN COLLECTION, price upon request

bikramyoganj said...

Hey Snob, What happened to the video clip from Firday's quiz? I loved that song and I really loved the way he rode on his fixie, but its gone now. Bummer! Any clues on where I can find the song, at least.. Bikram

Groundshine said...

"Having a Really Awesome Time Using Shit You Already Have." You won't find that article in Outside or Men's health but there IS a magazine dedicate to the subject! Check out Jeff Potter's http://www.outyourbackdoor.com/

chris said...

"Having a Really Awesome Time Using Shit You Already Have."

Hey! That's the story of my life!

Dan Webster said...

Hey check it out, you can turn this really expensive Guru Crono 2.0 into a fixie if you want!! WHOOOPIE!! http://triathlete-europe.competitor.com/2010/04/21/gallery-guru-crono-20/?pid=1780 (see image 2)

JAZZY F. BABY said...

I like this site pretty nice

Michael said...

okay snob seriously. i dont know how tall you are or care.

but being 6' 4" myself its hard finding a bike my size.

especially when you have less than 2 months to find one, it took me a month or so with a budget.

For a middle aged man with money. It makes sense for him to just buy that seven bike. Its sweet and yes he will be riding it forever.

but i may have seen it on ebay cant remember. it was for a man claiming to be 6' 7", coincidence? prolly not seeing as those are rare.

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