First Annual* BSNYC Fixed-Gear Film Festival

What do you get when you combine the fixed-gear trend with the youtube phenomenon? Why, an explosion of cinematic masterpieces, of course! There is nothing more riveting than watching a subculture self-indulgently capture itself on film--it's like watching home video of a toddler. For the parents it's magical. For the rest of us it's stultifying.

I've taken the time to wade through the debris of the fixed-gear cinema explosion and bring you five videos which will compete for the coveted "Cog d'Or." So just sit back, eat some popcorn, and enjoy the entries.

*(I only use the word "annual" here because it sounds good. There may be another "festival" next week, or just as likely there may never be one again.)



Entry #1: Guy Doing Spinny Wheelie Thing

This guy rides around in circles for awhile and then does a pretty cool yet at the same time totally pointless spinny wheelie thing. There's a lot of suspense while he rides around since you don't know what he's going to do. Good pacing. Says a lot about life, which is also kind of cool sometimes but mostly pointless.

Entry #2: Guy Does Some Skids for Awhile

To the strains of Tenacious D this guy does skids up and down a wet, soul-crushingly suburban street. This film raises interesting questions. Why is he doing this? Does he think this is interesting, or is it a parody? Or is it a profound comment about the blandness of suburbia? And, most importantly, did he hose down the street first?

Entry #3: That Woman in Portland Who Got Busted for Riding With No Brake Demonstrates That She Can In Fact Brake

In the documentary category comes this hard-hitting expose. The hypocrisy of the "system" is ultimately exposed when she demonstrates that she can stop almost as quickly as a bike with a coaster brake--in other words she can go from 10mph to a dead stop in less than 20 yards.

Entry #4: Guy Rides Stock Langster About 30 Blocks in Manhattan

In this epic-length (9 minutes!) nailbiter, a guy rides his bike from 23rd Street all the way to Spring Street. Nothing much happens (I checked) so you don't actually need to watch. Well, he does do some track stands, so if seeing a bike not moving fills you with excitement then this is a must-see. As if the premise is not interesting enough, he shoots the whole thing from some kind of rear-facing fork-cam, so all we see are the BB shell, his sneakers, and the occasional headlight. Bold in a "My Dinner with Andre" way, but limited commercial prospects.

Entry #5: Someone called "Kid Primitive" Performs "The Tao of Fixed-Gear Biking"

In this "Rattle and Hum"-inspired concert video, some guy performs a new-agey song about riding his fixie, apparently without irony.

And the "Cog d'Or" goes to: Guy Doing Spinny Wheelie Thing! I mean, hey, can you do a spinny wheelie thing? I sure can't.

The Month in Local Cycling Stupidity

Regardless of where you live and ride, doubtless you are subject to cluelessness on a daily basis. Here are just a few of the dumber things I've witnessed over the past few weeks while riding in NYC:

Six or seven fixie riders of the beard-and-studded-belt variety gathered around a gas station air hose. Are you telling me not one of these people carries a pump? You've all got gigantic Chrome messenger bags! Do you keep anything in there besides six-packs of Natty Light, extra spoke cards, and autographed photos of those guys from "Flight of the Conchords?"

The guy on a fixed-gear Panasonic conversion with a step-through frame who hammered past me on the Brooklyn Bridge in full-bore attack mode, panting.

The middle-aged guy on the flatbar road bike, loudly chiding his wife for not keeping up with him on the West Side bike path. There's something so sad and pathetic about the guy who drops his wife or girlfriend on a casual ride. (Though justice was served when she proceeded to drop him a couple miles later on the 181st Street hill.)

The guy in the park who rides a Moots Ti with Zipps in baggy shorts and a t-shirt. (The first time I saw him I figured he was just on a test ride or something, but I've seen him a bunch of times since. Oh yeah--big ring, all the time.)

The guy on the brakeless Trek fixie conversion (there's something especially stupid about a brakeless conversion) in Manhattan who was forced to make a right because he couldn't slow down for the car in front of him making a completely safe and legal turn. The rider cursed the driver the whole way and had to go about halfway down the block before he could manage to slow down, turn himself around, and put himself back on course. (It was completely the rider's fault and I think it was the first time in my life I ever sided with a car.)

The triathlete with his aerobars positioned higher than his saddle, thus completely eradicating any aerodynamic benefits. (Wait, that's every NYC triathlete. These guys sit more upright than Amish people at church. Their position is about as aero as standing at a post office service window with your forearms on the counter.)

Fixedgeargallery...of terror.

I think fixedgeargallery.com is great. People enjoy browsing it (me included), and it inspires people to learn to build bikes and post their own creations, of which they are often quite touchingly proud.

That said, here's a batch that pissed me off:

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/TyrelMears.htm)

For the most part, this is a perfectly nice road-going fixie, which is why the problems with it are so glaring. The forward-angled tri post is offensive--there is plenty of seat rail to run a straight post and maintain the same saddle position. Also, I'd give the bullhorns a pass if it wasn't for the awful brake lever placement. Take a look at a TT bike and position the lever properly.

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/sma_uci.htm)

There is no god that would allow this to happen, and therefore I conclude that there is no God.

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/AndrewMahon.htm)

As much as I detest top-tube pads, here's a bike that actually needs one. How else to protect the rider's genitals from their inevitable slide down this drastically-angled saddle? This bicycle is not straddled by the crotch of a human. A centaur rider, perhaps?

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/Ask77@Libero.It.htm)

In a previous post, I speculated that the BMX might be a logical successor to the track bike's Mantel of Trendiness, to which an insightful commenter replied, "Vintage bmx is the new white pleather rocker belt." As if to prove the sagacity of this comes this gag-inducing entry. Maybe there is a God, because this is in Italy, where I will hopefully never, ever see it.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads, #3

Good news for those of you in the New York City metropolitan area. If you're looking to get a textbook-perfect fixie poser machine in time for the weekend, here it is. And it can be yours for a mere $500. You won't have to get your hands dirty (or pay your local shop to get their hands dirty) changing a thing--this is as if the collective aesthetic sensibility of the Lower East Side, Williamsburg, Bushwick and Greenpoint coalesced into tangible form and posted itself on Craigslist. Sadly it is not NJS (or even a track frame), but my guess is that the owner is selling to finance a purchase that meets both the aforementioned criteria:

Custom Fixed gear peugeot 56cm Deep V's - $500 (original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/357343822.html)

Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-06-21, 6:32PM EDT

I'm selling my custom peugeot fixed gear 56cm. It was sandblasted and profesionally powder coated.

I look at fixedgeargallery.com like any bike obsessive, and I am constantly surprised at how many people spend good money powdercoating beater frames. Why gild the mediocre lily, only to lock said lily unprotected to a city bike rack? (And why is the bike locked up in the for-sale photo? Did the guy lose the key? If you agree to buy it, does he then pocket the money and say, "Well, here's the catch...")

The frame is purple and the cranks, fork and gooseneck are black.

Gooseneck? I see no goose in this picture. By process of elimination, though, the only other black thing on this bike besides the cranks and fork is the stem, so I assume that is what you mean. By the way, you did take excellent pictures, so the colors (revolting as they may be) don't require mentioning.

Brand new bottom bracket, purple chain, MKS pedals, brand new head set, vintage deadstock Turbo saddle, Lime green Velocity deep V's, brand new tires, Flip flop hub, I have a Nitto drop handle bar and a BMX small handle bar, I will include both.

In the words of Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School, "Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff." Like what kind of cog, what's the gearing, what's the crank length, what kind of cranks are they, and so forth. But let's look at what he did mention:

Colored chains, colored chains, colored chains. If God or an equivalent deity granted me the power to ban one thing from bikes forever, I would have to do some pretty deep soul-searching to decide between colored chains and top tube pads. And you know what? I think colored chains just might win. It's also obvious to me that people who use these chains don't lubricate them, for fear of dulling their vibrant hues. I've been noticing a lot otherwise spotless fixies with drivechains that chirp like an aviary. When these guys roll up on you it's like being attacked by a flock of crows--it's getting downright Hitchcockian out there.

I needn't mention the powdercoated Velocitys at this point, unsullied by brake pads of course. What kind of hubs? He doesn't say, but does it really matter? They're lime green!

I'm glad he mentioned the other bars. I assume the Kashimax top tube protector is useful with at least one of those sets. Because right now it's on there purely for looks--those risers are well clear of the top tube, and with no brake cables they will spin like helicopter blades if you take your hands off the grips.

Lastly, I note the "deadstock" saddle is duly chained to the frame, but what about that retina-scorching rear Deep V? It looks to be unlocked. I may be wrong, but from the pictures the bike appears to be in the Herald Square area. So when you're done shopping at Macy's, swing by and grab yourself a free Deep V.

Fixedgeargallery: NJS Nightmare

With the fixed gear explosion has come a proliferation of "vanity bikes" I find maddening. The weekend warrior on his USPS Lance Armstrong replica sporting a helmet mirror and posing at the coffee shop was one thing; the all-NJS keirin bike spending its life being ridden around Brooklyn (or SF or Vancouver or Portland or wherever) at 13mph is quite another.

This entry on Fixedgeargallery is exactly what I mean:

The owner brags that it's "all NJS except Velocitys, Campy BB spindle Phils and saddle." Well, good thing, because I'm sure this guy will be throwing down at the velodrome. That Brooks saddle (at a jaunty 45 degree angle, I might add) screams pure speed.

Perhaps the seat angle is to compliment the angle of the stem--the steep drop certainly does suggest aggressive riding. However, this is completely countered by the fact that he's running grips on the bar tops (uh, pretty sure riding the bar tops is not allowed in a keirin) and has the hooks completely bare. Of course, it's not necessary to tape the drops when you don't ride fast enough to use them, and in a vain attempt to gain style points you've set them too low to even reach them.

The whole ride is tied together by the now-ubiquitous powdercoated Deep-Vs. Yes, quite an original statement. We're all so impressed that you have a powdercoated braking surface which screams to the world that you don't use a brake. I suppose you wouldn't want to complicate the simplicity, light weight, and aesthetic virtue of a track bike with a brake. (Yet you would want to put on a three pound saddle comprised of a Rube Goldberg-esque series of rails, taut leather, and springs.) Then again, I'll cut the guy some slack, since something tells me this bike rarely travels fast enough to require a brake anyway.

Overheard in the Shop (or, "Learn to Wrench or Shut Up!")

A lot of people complain about bike shops, particularly about attitude from the staff. And while some shops undoubtedly have their own iterations of Jack Black in "High Fidelity," just as often the problem really lies with the customer. (And yes, this is another fixie-related post. I don't mean to be all-fixie all-the-time, but with them being so popular there's a lot of irritating stuff in my face these days.)

Example: I was in a downtown shop I regularly patronize. Good shop, good guys. Believe me when I say this shop exudes no attitude whatsoever. Anyway, while I was there a couple of guys come in with their shiny fixies (and shiny tattoos, riding in sneakers, and so forth). One of them wants his bottom bracket tightened, and is outraged that they want to charge him.

Firstly, he says, "I bought my bike here." Good for you. Yes, most shops have free adjustments if you buy a bike there. Like, they'll tighten your cables to make your shifting crisper. They're not going to pull and re-install your bottom bracket six months later for nothing.

Secondly, he's outraged at the proposed price, because, "It's just tightening it with an Allen wrench."

No, it's not! That is not how a bottom bracket works! You have to remove the crankarms, remove the bottom bracket, lube everything, re-install, etc. Plus, he had a Dura Ace crank. (Because, after all, you need the stiffness of a DA crank when you ride in sneakers.) Those bottom brackets require an extra level of adjustment. It's like getting mad because your car needs a new starter and telling the mechanic, "It's only taking it out with a screwdriver!"

Now I'm sure this guy will go around and talk shit about this "ripoff" shop. All they wanted to do was fix his problem, and while re-installing a bottom bracket isn't the hardest thing in the word, it does take some time. And time, like it or not, is money.

More importantly, if you're going to ride around on a fixie, trying to look cool with your MTB bars cut way too short because you saw a messenger do it, then please, at least gain a working knowledge of your bike!

Working on bikes is not hard, and working on a fixed gear is about as easy as it gets. There are virtually no parts! Don't want to pay for the labor? Then buy the damn tools and do it yourself!

Yes--you should absolutely be ashamed to ride around on a fixie with tattoos when you don't even know how your bottom bracket works, much less how to tighten it. And if you don't want to do the labor and need to have someone else do it, prepare to pay for it.

Want to learn to do the work yourself? Start off by checking out http://www.sheldonbrown.com/ as well as rec.bicycles.tech (easiest way to access is through Google groups).

That is all.