Rumblings of Change: The Future's So Loud, I Gotta Wear Earplugs

(Sistine Crustacean by Erik K)

The Internet is a wonderful thing. As a member of the highly-coveted 18-64 age demographic (you can sell me anything from gaming consoles to erectile dysfunction medication) I can remember a time before every home and office had access to the Internet--or even a computer. Back then, when I was somewhere between 1 and 47 years old, we couldn't just forward each other videos of heavyset men who look like Tad Doyle riding around in thongs. Instead, we had to re-enact them in person at work or in the schoolyard through an elaborate series of pantomimes, or else recreate the video by obtaining a pad of Post-it notes (this was new technology at the time--Post-it notes were SMS messages 1.0) and turning it into a rudimentary flip-book.

However, the Internet also has its drawbacks. For example, there's the increasing problem of identity theft. Even worse, if your identity gets stolen or you don't even have one in the first place it's way too easy to download one. See, "back in the day," you couldn't just see an identity on the Internet, gauge its popularity and "cool factor," and then decide to adopt it, all within a matter of minutes. Instead, you maybe saw or heard about something that seemed interesting (perhaps in a friend's Post-it note flip-book or while traveling into town to see the village blacksmith for new horseshoes) and then spent weeks or months obtaining more information and the necessary equipment before you even got to try it out. (Sure, people copied other people back then too, but you at least had to get near those people in person in order to copy them. And sometimes they smelled bad.) Plus, unlike now, there were no guarantees about how the world at large would react to your new "steez." Your new identity might get you laid (although "back in the day" people said "getteth you lain"), or you might be severely beaten (or, in the language of the times, "catch a beatdown"). I remember "hitting up" the blacksmith many years ago wearing my brand-new George Frideric Handel World Tour 1733 poet shirt and the bastard called me a "poseur," stuck a hot poker in my eye, and hobbled my Mongolian cyclocross bike, Ol' Dynamite. Sadly, those days are gone--nowadays I could have at least deflected the blow with my iPhone.

As for cycling, it looked a lot different in the pre-Internet days:

Road Bike

Mountain Bike

Track Bike

Power Meter

Pro Cyclist

"Fred"

"Collabo"

Yes, back then, you didn't "drop" a "collabo." The "collabo" dropped you.

But perhaps the worst thing of all about the Internet is the proliferation of documentary films. It used to be that people would wait until after something happened to make a documentary about it. In fact, once in awhile filmmakers would even wait until the subject or person had disappeared altogether. (I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.) At the very least, they'd usually wait until the subject they wanted to document had had some significant cultural impact. Like, you probably could have gotten away with making a documentary about the Vietnam "Collabo" while it was still happening, since it was what people back then used to call a Big Fucking Deal.

Things are different now though. Take for example the upcoming documentary "Made in Queens," about some young people who attach giant speakers to their bikes:

You may have read about this in the New York Times awhile back, but in any case here's the description:

Last summer in a rented garage on the outskirts of Queens, NY something incredible was happening. A group of imaginative tinkerers from Trinidad were working late into the nights creating something nobody had ever seen before: enormous stereo systems jury rigged onto ordinary bmx bikes. Traveling together, each behind the handlebars of his or her own massive homemade creation, they treat the neighborhood to an outrageous impromptu music and dance party on wheels. Directed by Randall Stevens, Made In Queens is a film celebrating America's first stereobike crew.

Is this "something incredible," really? I mean, clearly these kids have some ingenuity, and using ingenuity to have fun is in many ways what youth is all about. So too is figuring out novel ways to enjoy really loud music. But it seems to me like a lot more has to happen before young people enjoying loud music warrants a documentary. Probably the most famous instance in modern times of young people enjoying loud music was the Woodstock Festival, and that just barely qualified for a documentary due to the various artists who played, the number of people who attended, and the historical context in which it took place. Even then, "Woodstock" the film is only slightly a documentary and it's only separated from concert films like the unintentionally hilarious "The Song Remains the Same" by the width of a hippie's pubic hair. (In fact, given the hairy hippie bathing scenes "Woodstock" is mostly a "nature documentary.") Nothing against these kids in Queens, but until half a million of them gather somewhere together in a massive self-indulgent show of dissatisfaction with the status quo while their poorer peers are being conscripted and getting their heads blown off then they're just really into sound systems.

Again, this is not a criticism of the kids, who are just doing what they do; it's a criticism of the director, who is using what they do to sell himself. Here's what the film's marketing materials have to say:

In other words, since these people have no intention to design and package themselves for public consumption, he's going to go ahead and do it for them. There may be "nothing calculated or self-conscious about who they are," but the director is another story, which is why he's good at making commercials and music videos:

I have nothing against commercials or directors of commercials either, but when they start using people's lifestyles as the basis for films that seem like pretentious commercials designed to sell the director it starts making me a little uncomfortable. ("I'm going to portray your recreation as a cultural phenomenon in order to show the world how insightful I am and maybe get hired to do something big.") The truth is, your lifestyle is only as safe from plundering as the rights to it are difficult to obtain, and I'm guessing in this case it was pretty easy.

Then again, maybe I've got it all wrong. I haven't seen the whole thing after all. Maybe it's transcendent, and people with giant speakers on their bikes are going to change our culture forever. Or else they're all going to open stereo shops in 15 years and get rich installing expensive aftermarket audio equipment in the next generation's SUVs. I guess until we can popular search engine the future we'll have to wait to find out.

Pluggin' Away: Bicycle Product Placement

If you’re me, in some ways these are tough times: Bike Snob Chicago, Bike Snob Austin, and the Cyclelicio.us AutoSnob are all conspiring to make me redundant. Fortunately, I’ve got something to fall back on, and that’s my fake job as a cycling consultant to Hollywood. Despite the writers’ strike, things are going well on that front. Cycling has never been more fashionable or more politically correct, so everybody wants bikes in their movies. Not only that, but the bike companies have more money to spend, and they’re spending it on product placement. The result? Everybody wins! (Except you.) Here are some upcoming projects I’ve got on my pie plate:

"Speed Racer"

The big-screen adaptation of the popular anime TV series, directed by the Wachowski Brothers (“The Matrix”).

Product:

Nitto anodized handlebars and stems

Placement:

Speed Racer encounters a clan of hyper-fashionable alleycat racers in the backstreets of Tokyo. They are clad all in black and ride all-black bikes, except for their untaped and brightly anodized Nitto handlebars. Their leader lisps menacingly and strokes his pet gila monster when he talks. Speed Racer ultimately foils them when the gang is unable to follow him onto a KK Expressway on-ramp.


"Castaway II"

Tom Hanks’s son (played by his real-life son Colin), a UPS shipping executive, finds himself stranded on the same island his father was stuck on 15 years ago.

Product:

Performance Bicycle (mail-order retail outlet)

Placement:

Shortly after the plane crash, a box from the shipment the plane was carrying washes up on shore. It is a carton of parts from Performance Bicycle. Inspired by Craig Calfee, Colin Hanks builds a frame out of bamboo and explores the island by mountain bike. Eventually he figures out how to make some really big pontoons and pedals his way across the high seas and back to civilization.


"Untitled Kate Hudson/Owen Wilson Romantic Comedy Vehicle"

Another in an endless series of light romantic comedies set in a picturesquely trendy city in which a series of misunderstandings eventually brings two people together.

Product(s):

Bianchi; R.E.Load messenger bags, top tube pads, and clothing

Placement:

Zooey Deschanel plays Kate Hudson’s sarcastic and brooding fixed-gear-riding roommate. In one scene she comes home and tells Hudson about the crush she has on the local celebrity messenger and alleycat champion (played by Adam Brody from the “O.C.”), explaining that, “He’s really hot. He rides a Pista Concept, his sneakers match his rims, and his dreadlocks smell like kitty litter.” Then she sighs, pulls the hood of her R.E.Load sweatshirt over her head, and does a big bong hit.


"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

The long-awaited fourth installment in the iconic “Indiana Jones” series.

Product:

Rivendell Bicycle Works

Placement:

The producers have commissioned Grant Petersen of Rivendell to build a period-correct all-terrain bicycle for Indiana Jones to ride during his jungle adventures. Production was stalled for over two years while Petersen and George Lucas argued bitterly about the merits and chronological accuracy of 650B wheels. Petersen himself plays the reclusive framebuilder and black market artifacts dealer Jones finds in the Tunisian desert and hires to build his bike.


"Never Cry Wolf"

Jeff Goldblum plays a scientist whose calls for action go unheeded on the eve of the greatest natural disaster the East Coast has ever seen.

Product(s):

NiteRider lighting systems; Jandd panniers

Placement:

Goldblum’s character is an avid bicycle commuter. At one point he encounters a colleague on a Cambridge, Massachusetts street on a dark night. “Man alive, those lights are bright!,” exclaims the colleague. “I could see you coming all the way from Somerville.” Goldblum replies, “Indeed. That’s the idea. And these panniers are quite capacious as well. I’ve got the load-carrying capacity of a Prius. And much better mileage!” They both guffaw heartily.


"Made in America"

An issue-driven drama about the dangers overseas outsourcing presents to America’s people and economy. Denzel Washington plays the idealistic Washington attorney fighting to change international trade law.

Product:

Cannondale Bicycles

Placement:

The paint on foreign-built bicycle frames sold by various US companies is found to contain dangerous levels of toxins, date rape drugs, endangered animal by-products, and natural male enhancements. In the climactic courtroom scene, Denzel Washington makes a dramatic point by licking a Cannondale road bike frame from headtube to rear dropout and exclaiming, “Thank God my bike was made in the USA!”

On Your Right, Hollywood! Five Sure-Fire Cycling Pitches

There haven’t been many mainstream films or TV shows that do cycling justice. I’m not talking about films like “A Sunday In Hell” that skew more towards the cognoscente. I’m talking about the ones intended for mainstream, non-cycling audiences. Some, like “Breaking Away,” work well. Others, like “American Flyers,” and “Quicksilver,” are just various shades of embarrassing.

The latest entry in the cycling film canon is “The Flying Scotsman,” which is the story of Graeme Obree. I have not seen this yet. While it seems like a worthy film, the commercial prospects of a movie that uses the words “Scottish,” “cyclist,” and “washing machine” together in the promotional copy seem limited at best. A Lance Armstrong film has also long been in development, and Matt Damon, Matthew McConaughey, and Gary Busey have variously been attached as stars. But that may never see celluloid, and if it does, I’m not so sure it will be a good thing.

Nonetheless, I think we need more films and TV series about cycling. Here are just a few ideas that I think have vast commercial and dramatic prospects:

Idiocy In Motion: The Ted Shred Story

Logline: In a time when it’s increasingly difficult to get noticed, bicyclist, DJ, and renaissance man of retardation Ted Shred revolutionizes cycling and carves his own identity by riding a Bianchi Pista with a freewheel and no brake.

Why It Will Do Well: This guy goes through Vans like UPS goes through, well, vans. The product placement alone should offset production costs.

Casting: Vanilla Ice or Vin Diesel would be ideal, but really anybody who can convincingly play mentally handicapped. (Is that a swarm of bees I hear? Or is it Oscar buzz?)

Smooth Legs, Hairy Face: Cycling’s Greatest Facial Hair

Logline: Featuring Sheldon Brown, Tom Ritchey, Jonathan Vaughters, 1990s Bob Roll, that bald guy with the beard from Mavic Neutral Support, and many others, this documentary takes a whimsical look at some of cycling’s most captivating beards, moustaches, and sideburns.

Why It Will Do Well: Americans love four things: Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll, and Facial Hair.

Casting: N/A

The Odd Couple, starring Lennard Zinn and Jobst Brandt

Logline: In this remake of the classic 1968 film, arch-curmudgeon and uber-retrogrouch Jobst Brandt must share an apartment with Velonews technical expert and espouser of all things new and gimmicky Lennard Zinn. Sparks will fly and laughs will abound as neatnik Zinn tries to clean Brandt’s filthy drivetrain. Meanwhile, a drunken Brandt rants about the importance of stress relieving while trying to throw Zinn’s seven pairs of Ksyrium SLs out the window.

Why It Will Do Well: Zinn and Brandt are the Lemmon and Matthau (or Randall and Klugman if you will) of the New Millennium

Casting: D’uh.

On A Steel Horse I Ride

Logline: “Breaking Away” meets “Cool Runnings” by way of “The Commitments” in this sports dramedy about a group of working-class teens in a Welsh mining town who, denied entry into an upper-crust polo club, take up the underground sport of bike polo and ride lugged steel and moxie all the way to the World Bicycle Polo Championships.

Why It Will Do Well: This will be the feel-good sports film of the year. Promotional efforts will include top-tube pads and spoke cards with the film’s logo, fast food chain tie-ins, and die-cast collectibles.

Casting: The team itself will be comprised of unknowns chosen from open auditions, but the part of the coach will be played by either Daniel Day Lewis or Anthony Hopkins. The evil rich team’s coach will be played by Dame Judy Dench.

Pedicab

Logline: “Taxi” meets “Friends” in this sitcom set in a pedicab depot in New York City, in which five recent private college graduates from wealthy families turned pedicab drivers grapple with love, life, and liberal politics while trying to make it in the big city.

Why It Will Do Well: Pedicab drivers are the bike messengers of the New Millennium.

Casting: Fresh faces would do best here, but Danny DeVito reprising his dispatcher role would be priceless. Expect walk-ons by Al Gore.

First Annual* BSNYC Fixed-Gear Film Festival

What do you get when you combine the fixed-gear trend with the youtube phenomenon? Why, an explosion of cinematic masterpieces, of course! There is nothing more riveting than watching a subculture self-indulgently capture itself on film--it's like watching home video of a toddler. For the parents it's magical. For the rest of us it's stultifying.

I've taken the time to wade through the debris of the fixed-gear cinema explosion and bring you five videos which will compete for the coveted "Cog d'Or." So just sit back, eat some popcorn, and enjoy the entries.

*(I only use the word "annual" here because it sounds good. There may be another "festival" next week, or just as likely there may never be one again.)



Entry #1: Guy Doing Spinny Wheelie Thing

This guy rides around in circles for awhile and then does a pretty cool yet at the same time totally pointless spinny wheelie thing. There's a lot of suspense while he rides around since you don't know what he's going to do. Good pacing. Says a lot about life, which is also kind of cool sometimes but mostly pointless.

Entry #2: Guy Does Some Skids for Awhile

To the strains of Tenacious D this guy does skids up and down a wet, soul-crushingly suburban street. This film raises interesting questions. Why is he doing this? Does he think this is interesting, or is it a parody? Or is it a profound comment about the blandness of suburbia? And, most importantly, did he hose down the street first?

Entry #3: That Woman in Portland Who Got Busted for Riding With No Brake Demonstrates That She Can In Fact Brake

In the documentary category comes this hard-hitting expose. The hypocrisy of the "system" is ultimately exposed when she demonstrates that she can stop almost as quickly as a bike with a coaster brake--in other words she can go from 10mph to a dead stop in less than 20 yards.

Entry #4: Guy Rides Stock Langster About 30 Blocks in Manhattan

In this epic-length (9 minutes!) nailbiter, a guy rides his bike from 23rd Street all the way to Spring Street. Nothing much happens (I checked) so you don't actually need to watch. Well, he does do some track stands, so if seeing a bike not moving fills you with excitement then this is a must-see. As if the premise is not interesting enough, he shoots the whole thing from some kind of rear-facing fork-cam, so all we see are the BB shell, his sneakers, and the occasional headlight. Bold in a "My Dinner with Andre" way, but limited commercial prospects.

Entry #5: Someone called "Kid Primitive" Performs "The Tao of Fixed-Gear Biking"

In this "Rattle and Hum"-inspired concert video, some guy performs a new-agey song about riding his fixie, apparently without irony.

And the "Cog d'Or" goes to: Guy Doing Spinny Wheelie Thing! I mean, hey, can you do a spinny wheelie thing? I sure can't.