What do you get when you combine the fixed-gear trend with the youtube phenomenon? Why, an explosion of cinematic masterpieces, of course! There is nothing more riveting than watching a subculture self-indulgently capture itself on film--it's like watching home video of a toddler. For the parents it's magical. For the rest of us it's stultifying.
I've taken the time to wade through the debris of the fixed-gear cinema explosion and bring you five videos which will compete for the coveted "Cog d'Or." So just sit back, eat some popcorn, and enjoy the entries.
*(I only use the word "annual" here because it sounds good. There may be another "festival" next week, or just as likely there may never be one again.)
Entry #1: Guy Doing Spinny Wheelie Thing
This guy rides around in circles for awhile and then does a pretty cool yet at the same time totally pointless spinny wheelie thing. There's a lot of suspense while he rides around since you don't know what he's going to do. Good pacing. Says a lot about life, which is also kind of cool sometimes but mostly pointless.
Entry #2: Guy Does Some Skids for Awhile
To the strains of Tenacious D this guy does skids up and down a wet, soul-crushingly suburban street. This film raises interesting questions. Why is he doing this? Does he think this is interesting, or is it a parody? Or is it a profound comment about the blandness of suburbia? And, most importantly, did he hose down the street first?
Entry #3: That Woman in Portland Who Got Busted for Riding With No Brake Demonstrates That She Can In Fact Brake
In the documentary category comes this hard-hitting expose. The hypocrisy of the "system" is ultimately exposed when she demonstrates that she can stop almost as quickly as a bike with a coaster brake--in other words she can go from 10mph to a dead stop in less than 20 yards.
Entry #4: Guy Rides Stock Langster About 30 Blocks in Manhattan
In this epic-length (9 minutes!) nailbiter, a guy rides his bike from 23rd Street all the way to Spring Street. Nothing much happens (I checked) so you don't actually need to watch. Well, he does do some track stands, so if seeing a bike not moving fills you with excitement then this is a must-see. As if the premise is not interesting enough, he shoots the whole thing from some kind of rear-facing fork-cam, so all we see are the BB shell, his sneakers, and the occasional headlight. Bold in a "My Dinner with Andre" way, but limited commercial prospects.
Entry #5: Someone called "Kid Primitive" Performs "The Tao of Fixed-Gear Biking"
In this "Rattle and Hum"-inspired concert video, some guy performs a new-agey song about riding his fixie, apparently without irony.
And the "Cog d'Or" goes to: Guy Doing Spinny Wheelie Thing! I mean, hey, can you do a spinny wheelie thing? I sure can't.