Monday, September 17, 2012

New Contest Announcement: Get Your Hands On a Cockie!

When I wake up in the morning (or, more accurately, the early afternoon), the first thing I do (unless I have to pee really badly) is kneel down on my groovy shag prayer rug and give thanks to the Almighty Lobster On High for all the blessings He (or She, I have no idea how to determine the sex of a lobster) has bestowed upon me.  These blessings can change from day to day and week to week, and this week the biggest, juiciest, most succulent blessing I've received so far is that I'm not going to Interbike:


(There's no "God."  That's a lobster, you silly goose!)

Actually, I'm thankful every year that I'm not going to Interbike, chiefly because it's in Las Vegas and there's no place I want to visit less than Las Vegas (with the possible exception of a Park Slope Food Coop meeting.)  This year I'm doubly thankful though, because not only will I not have to go to Las Vegas, but I also won't have to look at a bunch of road bikes with disc brakes:

(Blech.)

It's not even that I'm against the idea of road bikes with disc brakes, since disc brakes obviously work pretty well on all sorts of bicycles, motorcycles, cars, and so forth.  (Unlike other gimmicks companies attempt to foist on cyclists, such as belt drives, which are pretty much only used on big farty Harley-Davidsons.)  Nor am I skeptical that Freds will eventually embrace road bikes with disc brakes, since paying someone else to bleed their brakes before the big century ride is exactly the sort of outsourcing that gets Freds excited.  Rather, it's the next few years of incessant marketing and constant refinements and expensive new "standards" that get cast aside immediately that I'm not sure I'll be able to stand.

The fact is, disc brakes on road bikes is inevitable, since if there's one thing that Freds hate it's knowing how to work on any part of their bicycle.  Instead, they prefer to have a rolling inscrutable mystery between their legs that they take in to the bike shop at regular prescribed service intervals, like a leased BMW.  The bicycle industry has served them well, too.  Thanks to integrated seatposts, they can no longer raise or lower their own saddles.  (And even when they could they couldn't do it without paying for a professional bicycle fitting first.)  Thanks to crabon wheels the tubular tire has made a resurgence, which is something no Fred knows how to glue.  Thanks to electronic shifting they need a qualified technician to plug their derailleurs into a diagnostic tool like they do when their BMWs display a "check engine" light.  The weak link is of course the brakes, which even the most inept Fred can still figure out how to adjust, but with the advent of disc brakes the only form of maintenance a typical Fred will be able to perform on his road bike is refilling his water bottle.

Speaking of gimmickry, you'll recall that last week I announced a contest to give away a Biomega Boston folding bicycle cycle, brought to you by the publishers of a book called "100 Best Bikes:"


If there's not a Trek Y-Foil in that book then they've got a serious false advertising lawsuit on their hands:


(The Trek Y-Foil is universally regarded as the greatest bicycle ever made.)

Anyway, one of the requirements was that all the contestants had to be victims of bike theft, and in reading the entries I've learned that if you want to keep your bicycle you should adhere to the following rules:

--Don't lock your bike to a scaffolding;
--Don't use a cable lock;
--Don't lend your bike to a friend;
--Don't play racquetball.

I honestly can't recall how playing racquetball led to someone's bike getting stolen, but it did, and ultimately it doesn't matter since you probably shouldn't be playing racquetball anyway unless you're a stockbroker from the 1980s like in the movie "Wall Street."

In any case, after receiving hundreds of worthy submissions I found the idea of choosing a single winner rather daunting.  Nevertheless, I grit my teeth, took a deep breath, played an Oliver Stonian game of racquetball with an acolyte that sort of served as a metaphor for our relationship and what was going on in the film, and decided that I would award the Biomega Boston folding replacement horse to Anna in Marblehead:

Hey Wildcat,

I'm Anna, and I live in Marblehead- just outside of Boston, Massachusetts.  I am currently the mother of three children under the age of 5, which is a lovely job even though my kids stubbornly refuse to match my 401k contributions.  (That makes my 401k worth three dollars instead of the six that it could be)  My favorite tv show is Parks and Recreation.  All of the characters are smug and Rob Lowe acts like a Fred.

I used to make my way around Boston on my bicycle and that's where it was stolen.  The bike racks are sadly lacking around here which is particularly vexing because I'm crabby and don't want to lock my bike seven blocks away from my destination.  The other options are to take your bike inside with you or hand it directly to the guy that rides around on his three-wheeler shouting at pedestrians all day.  I'm pretty sure he's the head of a bike thief cartel; his bellows a signal to his minions.  Anyway, the first time I attempted to take my bike inside on a quick errand, I took it upstairs with me in one of the building's giant gold elevators.  It seemed to be common practice there and everything was fine until a few more passengers attempted to board the elevator on the eighth floor.  The subsequent events are a bit fuzzy to me even now, but in my effort to make more room I somehow managed to allow my bike to tip over onto an uptight young man in a bankers tie with an excessively slim-cut oxford shirt.  Obviously I'm a moron but his response seemed disproportionate to the crime and I was left with emotional scars that would prevent me from ever taking my bike inside again.  So it would later get stolen off a bike rack seven blocks away.

It was locked but I suppose the three-wheeling bike thief can foil even the stoutest u-lock.  Also, it wasn't that stout.  I learned that I need a folding bike because I think I'll be less likely to drop it on someone.  I have been reluctant to even consider buying one because I didn't fancy looking like a circus bear on a tiny bike but the biomega one doesn't look absurd so that's nice.

If I was given a free folding bike?  Well I'd be beside myself actually.  I haven't been able to replace my old one yet and not having a bike sucks.  Won't the world be a better place with one less awkward non-folding-bicycle-in-an-elevator schlepper?  (Because I surely won't be locking my theoretical new bike outdoors anymore, even if it is "theft proof," and that means more indoor bike transport shenanigans.)  Slim-cut Oxford Shirt would be happy to hear that I'll no longer be a menace in the gilded elevators of his office building and then we'll all sleep better at night.

Thanks for your consideration, Wildcat.
~Anna

Why Anna from Marblehead?  Here's why:

--She followed all the submission rules;
--She's from Tyler Hamilton's hometown but she's not him;
--She says she's "currently" the mother of three children under the age of five, which implies maybe she's contemplating leaving them if she doesn't get a free bike, and I won't have that on my conscience;
--The bike is called a Biomega Boston, and she rides in Boston, so obviously this bike is made for her;
--She was victimized in an elevator by a member of the 1%;
--She knows that it's the small things that make the world a better place, not the pretentious stuff like "helping people," "giving," or "curing diseases;"
--She's agreed to cease worshipping false idols and become a devout Lobsterite.

Actually, she hasn't agreed to the conversion yet, but I imagine she will when she receives a visit in Marblehead from someone known only as "The Proselytizer:"

When The Proselytizer puts on her Disposable Bib of Justice and gets to work with her Lobster Tools of Righteousness the heathen generally renounce their faiths in no time at all.

So congratulations to Anna, and many thanks to all who entered.  I'd give you all free bicycles, but unfortunately I can't, thanks to those greedy bastards on Wall Street.

Speaking of Tyler Hamilton, he wrote a book about taking drugs in order to ride bikes better, and everybody's favorite professional cyclist Jens Voigt recently had this to say on the subject:



When asked about recent revelations and admissions of doping, Voigt said, “Some people have been more open about their pasts, some haven’t, and I wouldn’t put them all in the same box.”

“Obviously there have been some crazy times in cycling and it’s all coming out now. I’m a big fan of truth and justice but sometimes you’ve got to say this is so long ago and we’ll never find out everything, we should somehow find a moment and a way of saying lets draw a line and concentrate on making the sport better now.”

It's funny how nobody ever accuses him of being part of an "omerta" just because he's lovably cartoony and he sounds like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brüno.

As for me, sometimes I feel as though the only beauty that remains in cycling is that of a majestic cockpit.  That's why back in 2010, before cockpits were even cool, I totally had a cockpit contest, and this was the overall winner:


Well, as I mentioned last week, in the interest of giving away more free stuff and of reveling in cockpit porn, I've decided to "curate" another cockpit photo competition.  To be honest, I never thought I'd have another cockpit contest for the simple reason it's hard to imagine anything topping the one above, but at the same time there have been tremendous advantages in the field of cockpit technology in the past two years so it's possible that we could be on the cusp of a whole new generation of cockpit greateness.  In fact, one reader was so excited about the new cockpit contest that he submitted a photo of his own:


It's worth noting that recumbents are the only bicycles on which the drivetrain is arguably part of the cockpit, and in any case those bar-end shifters are clearly flipping dignity "the bird."

Anyway, here's how the Second Bi-Annual Cock-Off is going to work.  First, take a picture of a compelling bicycle cockpit.  (See the last contest for style guidelines.)  Then, email that photo to bikesnobnyc (at) yahoo (dot) com with the following subject line:

COME ON WILDCAT LIGHT MY COCKPIT!

The winner or winners will then receive exciting state-of-the-art and potentially seizure-inducing rechargeable bicycle lights from Knog, just in time for the fall riding season:



By the way, these are not to be confused with "Exposure Lights:"


Which were forwarded to me by a reader since their site features a "helment" compatibility chart:


I'm not sure if the Knogs are helment-compatible, but I will test them and let you know.  At any rate, that's the contest.  Happy cockpit-hunting!

Lastly, from another reader comes this article from a Canadian newspaper (yes there really is such a thing) which says that in the future we'll all be David Byrne:


Sadly, though, your lack of car ownership isn't going to impress anybody anymore:

Similar trends are in place in Canada, Australia, Europe and Japan. The Japanese call it “demotorization.” Cars used to be status symbols. Now, they’re becoming unaffordable burdens.

This seems like good news for people who like to ride bikes and walk without dying, though the writer does draw some strange conclusions:

I have a theory that the model city of the future is not Toronto, Austin or London. It is central Bologna or Venice, where the car is either non-existent or scarce. There is a reason tourists flock to tiny Venice by the millions: It is to be in a city where streets are for people, not cars, where you can talk without being overwhelmed by the din of engines, and where you can buy life’s essentials within a 10-minute walk.

I'm pretty sure the reason tourists flock to Venice is to gawk at the guys in the stripey shirts who row the funny boats, but other than that it sounds lovely.

89 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

First

wishiwasmerckx said...

Everybody else is still at Rosh Hashanah services.

Big Charlie said...

Praise Lob! A great ride today!

Anonymous said...

Top Ten

Anonymous said...

Too fast for me today...

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

singlespeedwaster said...

Summa Cum Laude from the Funk Wizz - now I'm feeling Cockie.

Anonymous said...

here

cycle

Anonymous said...

Just missed top 10 DAMMIT

Straight poop said...

Meh

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

Just in time, it seems; I even read it!

hey nonny mouse

McFly said...

Rosh HASHhanah boyeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Anonymous said...

In his continuing use of misspellings of "helmet", I'm sure BikesKnob is building up to the punchline in which he springs "Bicycle Helminth" on us.

It will include a graphic of a rider with a giant leech on his/her head thus qualifing this new gear craze as inflatable, medicinal, artIsAnal, and green.

Anonymous said...

COME ON WILDCAT LIGHT MY balls™.

Anonymous said...

yisss!

Anonymous said...

Glue their tubulars onto the rim? That ain't nothin'. Wait until they try to actually fix a flat on one! A lost art, mah boy.

Anonymous said...

Lights are for chicks

babble on said...

Yep, it's true... nothing compares with having a rolling inscrutable mystery between my legs.

Anonymous said...

Oh damn!! Read it [and laughed too much], and am thud emoted to mid-pack fodder. Carry On.

frilly said...

Kisses for wiwm!

Congrats Anna!

RANTWICK said...

I've been into bicycles for a very long time, but I have never seen even ONE funky cockpit in person. Are the cities I've lived in just too normal or are bizarre cockpits really that rare?

Sébastien Lamarre said...

Excuse me, I'll be shoaling my way to the top now.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My town used to have a tram. Inter-Urban I think they called it but that was back in 1908. My po-dunk is too small for busses or even taxis. I don't know what I'm gonna do when it rains.

FLIP BIRD

leroy said...

My dog swore that this morning he could pay the $20 he owes me because he had a lucrative gig last night spinning klezmer platters at a New Year's Eve party in Williamsburg.

But he still hasn't come home.

Must have been some party.

Hope he wasn't spray painting bike routes.

Some folks have no sense of humor.



McFly said...

Anna is completely deserved. Although I think you wrote that entry and gave it to yourself.

ALL THE BLACK LOBSTERS IN PORTLAND said...

Though I personally don't care about Euro doping, Jens Voigt is a fucking dipshit and anyone 'quoting' him is a simp, fool or both...

Let me count the goddamn ways...

* Eastern Euro born into doping

* 50 year old man riding away from fields in admittedly second-rate stage rage (Colorado)

* Signing and re-signing with King of Dopers and Doping Conspiracies Johann Bruyneel...

* Went to 'Outward Bound'-like training camps with Bjarne Riis AND Tyler Hamilton...

* Yet Jens is not only "clean" he's a "role model" and speaks in retard-level "apothegms."

* Etc etc...

* Jens beats or keeps up with or challenges pelotons full of first rate Euro dopers but HE's an exception...

And a smug, self-righteous exception at that.

Fuck him and his inane tifosi,

Anonymous said...

http://www.maine.gov/dmr/rm/lobster/guide/index.htm#sexing

Nut up and start sexing your lobsters. Only appropriate if your deity likes being flipped on its back and having its swimmerettes observed. Could provoke plagues. Proceed with caution.

Anonymous said...

Congrats to Anna; her entry submission was ALMOST as good as this blog post [did I say that aloud?!]. She wrote with empathy, humor, and self-deprecation, but should have had more scorn for Oxford-shirt boy.
Ken C.

Marcel Da Chump said...

A worthy winner... Congrats Anna!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

All You Haters Observe My Swimmerettes

Anonymous said...

If I had won that bike, I'd have gone out and sexed a lot of lobsters. Why, I don't know.

After I sexed all those lobsters, wow. What a universe.

My congrats to Anna too for her worthy victory. Mazel tov!

CommieCanuck said...

"Is the car dead?"

Talk to us in February when your scranus is frozen to your saddle, asshole.

These stories from Toronto always get inspired on sunny warm, wind-free days while coasting downhill.

--written from Hamilton, Lake Ontario's Reservoir tip.

Jefe said...

"Jens Voigt is a fucking dipshit and anyone 'quoting' him is a simp, fool or both..."

Damn, you gonna take that Snob?

CommieCanuck said...

....Technology news...

The next Toyota Pius will be powered by ...lobsters.

No C02 emissions, as lobsters do not fart.

CommieCanuck said...

Jens Voigt is awesome, and the most potent man on earth, however...

He was selected in grade school from the East German government for their olympic champions program. If they didn't dope him, he would have been the only athlete they didn't dope to the gills.

For all we know, Jens is really Jenny Voigt.

Jens has had two more children while I wrote this. In 2027, it is estimated that up to half of the TDF peloton will be Jens Voigt's offspring.
The other half will be Mario Cipolinni's, they just won't know it.

ALL THE BLACK LOBSTERS IN PORTLAND said...

Wildcat gets absolution re: Jens Voigt's lies lies lies because here he's more a 'reporter' (or even 'social critic,' though I am sure he'd flee at the description) than Fredly 'cheering section.'

What's especially lovely about Jens is how he's been adopted as folk hero by idiots who've never actually raced at any level but think 'sprinting' with 'panniers' is pretty much just like Jacky Durand trying to drag hold off the field at Paris-Tours...

If only!!

Congratz to Anna by the way, she deserves it more than Jens Voigt deserves anything but mockery for his career of false candor.

PatrickBateman said...

cockamehpita

Anonymous said...

Biennial, if the last one was in 2010.

King CockPit said...

You jelly, bro?

Anonymous said...

Well, gee whiz: '...the guy that rides around on his three-wheeler shouting at pedestrians all day.' is most likely this fine cyclist: - and Marblehead MA has a median income that pushes $100k/year. Just, ya know, for what it's worth...

Anonymous said...

https://vimeo.com/2480274

Louie, the Boston trike guy

g-roc said...

Yes Snobby, we do have newspapers in Canada STOP. We don't have computers yet (or TVs) so we have to read the paper STOP. Fortunately, we recently had telegraph lines installed so I could wire this to a location across the border that specializes in converting telegrams to blog comments STOP.

PS - Vito might be claiming to proofread your posts, but lately he's been secretly flinging dung out the window instead STOP.

g-roc said...

Mind you, dung out the window is a big improvement from dung on the walls STOP.

television_writer said...

Instead, they prefer to have a rolling inscrutable mystery between their legs that they take in to the bike shop at regular prescribed service intervals, like a leased BMW.

Gold Snobby! Gooooooooooooooolllllllllllld!!!!!!

Did everyone picture the soccer dude yelling that?

Anonymous said...

wow dude Anna really played you like a fiddle, appealing to all soft spots and winning the Boston in the process. First there is her three kids, which plucked at your emotional family oriented heartstrings (by the way thanks for doing the world a big favor and adding three mini versions of yourself to our already bulging population, why stop at 7 billion?). Also, Anna clearly is a is a bitter 99% (with her $3 401k and her unfair character assasination at the gentleman in the tailored oxford). Then there is the false deprecation, which is really just thinly veiled smugness ("obviously I'm a moron" - smug for "obviously everyone but me is a moron") and she is from Boston which basically is a macrocosm of your smug white and liberal home of Brooklyn (I'm speaking of hipster brooklyn not the rest of it which I like and think makes it a fine secondary borough). You fell for her sob story hook, line and sinker. Pathetic.

grog said...

Congratulations Anna.
Do you really exist?

Anonymous said...

Contestant 1:
"I'll take anatomy for $1000, Alex"

Trebek:
"This portion of the male anatomy has been described by profane amateurs as an inscrutable mystery between the legs."

Contestant 2:
"WHAT IS SCROTANUS!"

g said...

whoa anon343.
you might want to just up the dose a bit. your bitter is showing.

Anonymous said...

Babble,
Don't you mean roilong?

Dooth said...

Someone's been downing shots of cynicism with their spoil sport chasers.

McFly said...

If she has a bike that means she can't PUT A BUMPAH STICKAH ON THE CAH.

Anonymous said...

Anna? Three kids? Rides Bike?

No female with three kids under the age of five rides bikes.

Not. A. Chance.
No.Effing.Way.

We're idiots but we're not that idiot...wait. We're stupid but we're not that stupid. No. We're naive but we're not pathetic. Hmm.

Whatever.
I call BS, "Anna".

Anonymous said...

Anna, congrats on the contest. i was just kidding about all that stuff i said above, just a piss-taking on old wildcat. well done and enjoy the new bike.

anon 3:43

g-roc said...

I'm about to burst a lot of bubbles: most of what you read on line isn't true. It's all about how you spin it. Point in fact, Canada only has the one newspaper Snob mentioned. I was being defensive and made up a bunch of stuff about telegraphs (and the implied electricity that would run them).

McFly said...

I found the telegraph set-up very amusing. I am going to use it on some(all) of my emails tomorrow regardless of where I am sending them.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

So is there any chance of you coming off that Edgar Allen Poe bobblehead as a prize this go round?

Anonymous said...

Boston, which basically is a macrocosm of your smug white and liberal home of Brooklyn (I'm speaking of hipster brooklyn not the rest of it which I like and think makes it a fine secondary borough)

since when has Boston ever been more hip than Brooklyn? are you saying the entire metro area of Boston is more twee than Williamsburg - more hipsterary than Bushwick? really? unless by smug white liberals you mean "drunk irish thugs" then I guess that's probably true.

yankees suck, btw.

Jed said...

Dang Wildcat, I think you described me in the first paragraph. I thought we were friends.

Yankee Fan said...

Sucking on 27 World Series rings is nice.

Anonymous said...

Bike crash??

There's an app for that!

Crash Sensor + iPhone®
Your helmet can only go so far. ICEdot takes your protection farther.

https://icedot.org/crash

Eurodude said...

why do you hate the Trek Y-Foil ?

ken e. said...

you've got it all wrong, we love the y-foil!! (if only because our kirk magnesiums cracked and burst into very bright flames.)

WACK DSGN

babble on said...

Anon@ 4:08

Um... ok. :)
Or even a 'really long inscrutable mystery' would do.

Nicely played, Anna. Nicely played...


Cipo said...

I have a really long, inscrutable meatstry.

Anonymous said...

Anna fooled you Wildcat. She gonna put that rideable erector set on the Ebay and use the money to buy an autographed Nomar Garciaparra jersey.

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babble on said...

Yoda of the very nice bags visited you again he has.

Lucky Snobbers.

DerZoots said...

I'm thinking the winner is contest trolling and very well at that.
But then I think Snobby is trolling us for his entertainment and chose a real entitled smug person as winner for the laughs. If I had a blog with a comment section as such I would be doing just that.
But I don't.

Panties:(

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Anonymous said...

WTF does "Blech." mean?

Anonymous said...

There is nothing quite like missspellled sarkasm.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford did some coke during a race and it really seemed to help his efforts. Who knew?

Anonymous said...

Last!

Paul Kirby said...

Puh-leeze. How stupid do you think we are? You obviously wrote that submission from "Anna" on your own and now plan to award yourself the bike so you can add to your ever-increasing stable of fancy-schmancy bikes to rub in our collective faces (or foeces). We're onto you.

McFly said...

I'm with kirb Appeal. It was a Redundant Contest of Circular Redundancy.

Anonymous said...

http://www.fuckgas.com/2012/09/18/my-neck-my-back/

Eh? said...

"Consider the Lobsta"

Bill Smith said...

Speaking of Fred features, when are we going to see electronic tire pressure monitors for road bikes? How do I know when my tire's low if there isn't a flashing red light on my bike computer?

Anonymous said...

There are no bikes in venice (I
taly) either. No freds, no bike messenger s, etc. the only danger was the risk of falling into a canal while taking pictures. awesome.

JB said...

Eh?, you forgot the footnote(s).1

1.) required.

dnk said...

Nice entry, Anna. May your days of biking in gilded elevators be healthy and wise.

Wolfgang Haak said...

Helmet compatibility chart? They haven't seen the "universal light fitting", ' cos there is no universal light fitting, only the right length of bungee rope....
http://www.coffeemoon.eu/2012/05/universal-bicycle-light-fitting/

Jon Webb said...

I think you should give your award to the Syrian rebel army. They made a truly cool and functional cocpit that is shown in http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2012/09/17/world/middleeast/atwar-chivers-diy1-3/atwar-chivers-diy1-3-blog480.jpg. Technically it's made from a motorcycle handlebars and disk brake, but I'm sure they could have used a bicycle disk brake too if they'd had access to it.

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