Also, the submission deadline for the Half-Assed Biomega Folding Bike Giveaway Contest came and went this morning at 12:01AM, so if you're one of the people who continue to send me submissions I implore you to STOP IMMEDIATELY. At this point my plan is to announce a winner on Monday, and that winner will probably be chosen arbitrarily by me and with no input from you, the readers. All I know right now is, whatever happens, by next week someone's going to win a bike with a cable for a downtube, and the world will be a better place for it.
Moreover, the Biomega Whatever Contest will dovetail into a cockpit contest, which will be the second one ever and the first one since 2010, a year which saw the running of the history-making First Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award. I'll announce this second "Cock-Off" officially next week, but you can consider this bit of advance notice to be what they call in the restaurant industry a "soft opening." Basically, people will submit pictures of wacky cockpits and the best ones will win lighting solutions from Australian bikey stuff purveyor Knog. And the world will be a better place for it.
Moving on, a reader sent me the following photo of the front page of something called The Washington Examiner:
(I guess they're trying to get bought out by News Corp.)
The juxtaposition of the provocative headline with the riot photo implies that Washington, DC is on the verge of chaos and bloodshed, though the actual article is more or less even-handed (for a tabloid) and also dull enough to be sleep-inducing.
Meanwhile, the New York Times seems to have dropped their long-overdue murderous driver coverage in favor of stories about aging motorcyclists who ride trikes:
Unsurprisingly, indulging baby boomers and their insatiable desire for luxurious rebellion has proven to be a profitable enterprise:
Industry experts say the sale of tens of thousands of trikes, whose sticker prices can rival an upscale sedan’s — a new three-wheeled Harley starts at $30,999 — has helped buoy a slumping industry and kept a generation of born-to-run riders on the roads.
“The baby boomers are getting older, man,” said Steve Stirewalt, a lifelong rider and motorcycle dealer known as Fat Daddy by his friends. “People riding all their lives don’t want to stop just because of bad knees, or bad eyes, or diabetes or something. They want to keep rocking.”
I wonder if "Fat Daddy" also sprang for the integrated glucose meter, man.
In any case, I'm not sure why riding around on a trike is any different than driving a convertible (apart from the fact that you can't put up the roof when it rains) but I guess the latter doesn't allow people to join clubs and give themselves nicknames. It also prevents them from "stiffening up:"
Alex Ross, a k a Iceman, chief executive of the nonprofit trike group Brothers of the Third Wheel, said three-wheelers offered all sorts of advantages, including the comfort and padding to allow drivers to go longer distances without stiffening up.
“My wife goes to sleep as soon as we start traveling,” he said.
Yet ironically they do have to take a blue pill in order to "stiffen up" again once they get to the motel. By the way, I have a feeling that travel isn't the only thing that puts Iceman's wife to sleep these days, and after decades of marriage she probably nods off as soon as he starts pretty much anything, including sex, conversation, and their nightly viewing of the movie "Wild Hogs." Still, I don't begrudge these good people their enjoyment, and there's certainly nothing more American than retirees with names like Fat Daddy and Iceman farting around the country on $30,000 motorized tricycles.
In fact, reading that article made me realize that if people are willing to buy three-wheeled motorcycles that they'd probably also buy two-wheeled unicycles, but then a reader informed me I've been beaten to it:
Though that's not nearly as bad as this, which was forwarded to me by another reader:
If he were a true unicyclist he'd be pushing a stroller with only one wheel.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see what America is all about.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and wave to unicycles and trikes.
--Wildcat Rock Machine (President of the Coral Gables chapter of the Hell's Tricyclists)
(Alberto Contador, the David Copperfield of unsettling finger gestures.)
1) Alberto Contador has now won seven Grand Tours:
--In his mind
--In a span of three years
--Without winning a single stage
--All while wearing the same unwashed pair of lucky bib shorts
2) In a horrific act of cannibalism, dual Toronto mayors Robs Fords devoured an entire human baby.
--True
--False
(Spine-tingling.)
3) DNA evidence reveals that Neanderthals had "horny papillae," or penis spines.
--True
--False
(Fucking fascist.)
4) In Portland, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a symbol of:
--Childhood
--Thrifty deliciousness
--Wholesome nourishment
--"White privilege"
(Noseless saddle on a folding bike: the ultimate in both theft-deterrence and date-deterrence.)
5) According to the "Lifehacker" website, to prevent your saddle from getting stolen you should:
--Install a theft-proof binder bolt
--Secure the saddle rails to the bicycle frame with a piece of drive chain
--Take the saddle along with you when you park the bike
--Put a piece of tape on it
6) The blind man hit by a cyclist in Central Park is:
--Pushing for mandatory bicycle licensing, registration, and insurance
--Calling for a statewide ban on fixed-gear bicycles
--Suing New York City for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act by not ticketing enough cyclists
--Facing criminal charges for not wearing a helment while walking
(Plaid. Shorts. That's a good spondee.)
7) Gentrification and pretense collided yesterday afternoon when musician and cycling advocate David Byrne hit novelist Martin Amis while riding his bicycle to a reading at an independent bookstore in Brooklyn.
--True
--False
***Special Child Bicycle Safety-Themed Bonus Question***
According to retailer REI, children should wear a "helment" while riding in a bicycle seat. Where can you purchase one of these "helments?"
--Nashbar
--Performance
--Toys "R" US
--REI, of course
84 comments:
really ?
Hoooooooray! Friday!!
me
cycle
Why the late posts? Is your wife ovulating and you are busy trying to fertilizer her egg with your weak spawn?
weed!!!
TOOP TEEN
Damn, fucked out of the podium. I saw zero comments, but when I typed my victory message and hit "send," I got an error message...oh,well. I guess it's like a mis-shift just as you come around the last person in your lead-out train with the finish line in easy reach.
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.
Top
Made it
Those scientists better check their hypotenuses
To spondee or not to spondee that is the question.
Hi Chad !
And Brian
Read it? Like Jesse Ventura said in Predator, "I don't have time to read."
WIWM,
I believe you dad. Do you think mom will buy it.
Uff-da.
Top twenny! And it's read! Quiz, too.
On a roll this week; up in the rankings.
"...don’t want to stop just because of bad knees, or bad eyes,"
I don't give a shit how many wheels you have, you should stop riding if you can't fucking see!
Holy shit, what a good week Wildcat.
On a roll.
and I lol'd
Holy fucking creepy dudes on that girl's Rob Ford video. Yeesh!
Those Gothamist comments are priceless!
I love REI; it looks like the copywriter reads the blog.
I also love Toronto, where some of my extended family live.
Check it OOT if you can, Wildcat.
Is that really a unicycle with extra bits? What a stupid fucking idea.
hey nonny mouse
Russ, If i get to slap around Beverly Deangelo's sizable droopers, I don't care whether she believes me or not.
Thanks alot, Snob. As if getting old, bald and fat wasn't trouble enough, now I have to worry about the genetic adequacy of my penile spinosity?
Well now honsetly, the guy suing NYC for not ticketing enough cyclists in Central Park has an unfair advantage.
Justice is blind.
In other news yesterday, a motorist performing a U-Turn on Coney Island Avenue knocked over a cyclist before careening into a fifty foot deep construction site.
No word on whether the cyclist was ticketed -- yet, but given that the standard defense to running over a cyclist or pedestrian is "I didn't see him," it seems that folks with limited eyesight are already fully accomodated on NYC streets.
Ride safe all!
(And remember, in NYC, if a motorist doesn't see something, say something. Just don't say it too loudly. Drivers can be grumpy when woken up suddenly.)
Remember that a rollicking two days of Canadian-style smuggery by definition includes lots of head.
On yer beer, that is...
And for the Cock-off... does it have to be a picture of a cock-pit? Surely your creative readers will be given a certain amount of artistic license?
The whole world in on the verge of chaos and bloodshed, except, perhaps for the state of Washington. This naturally leads one to wonder...If fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity, what are we going to do about all the bad blood between us?
is. the world is on the verge....
An entire post without one mention of the Brycream Spokesperson of Italy M. Cipo. Sad.
There is a guy, George Bevier, that runs around Paris, Tn on a moped and is LEGALLY BLIND. I used to sell him hardware and junk and he would get his eyes like 1 1/2" inches from his palm to count his change. We strapped 15 10 foot sticks of 3/4" PVC pipe to that bitch one day and he rode off flapping and a bouncing. True story.
Babble,
How much do you charge for someone to lick your freakishly sexy legs? Is there a discount for both?
g--I wish there was a LIKE button for comments. Right on!
For some reason, watching Medicine Mike has me singing Hungry Like the Wolf.
Anyone get to the end where that chick said "I WATCH YOU FROM BETWEEN THE SHELVESH" ?
Justice Is blind, good one Leroy. Your dog come up with that one? Where'd he go?
How does the excuse of the cyclist that hit the blind jogger "my gears jammed" rate? So his gears control the brakes and Cock-pit too? Probably has a cable for a downtube as well.
That unicyclist is gonna die, cuz he ain't been to REI.
In my mind, I'm TOP TEN!!!!
erm... state of Washington v District of Columbia. Looks like I'm rather Romneyish today... Say it first, check the facts later.
Dear Pervy Pervison,
That depends on whether or not you can lick both at the same time.
Sincerely,
Babbles
Is the rumor true?
The winner of the Cock-pit contest gets a full brazilian wax job administered by Babble On?
My current relationship status is:
A)Single
B)In a relationship
C) Holds girls' hand and ejaculates in pants
D)Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnddd back to single.
Make your wives ugly or I might steal them.
Well, not too ugly, you still want to love your wives. Or if you're like me, other people's wives.
Gentrification and pretense collide...KA-DOUCHE!
"Unsurprisingly, indulging baby boomers and their insatiable desire for luxurious rebellion has proven to be a profitable enterprise"
That, Wildcat Rock Machine, is the line of the year. Or maybe the line of the last 50+ years. Truer words have never been spoken.
Then the winner will have to decide...
Is it better to be Bushy or is it best Bare?
Pervy Perversion:
Last week I saw a film.
As I recall, it was a horror film...
...and I jizzed in my pants!
Babble,
We covered this. It depends on the um.....physically genetic structure of the um.....well...um....I believe you know what I mean. MORE OVALTINE PLEASE!
Also, in other news, sex.
Dearest McFly,
I went to bed waaaaaaaaaaay too late last night, and besides, even on a good day, I can't remember what happened before breakfast.
Please. Draw a picture for me.
Sleepless,
Babbles
(sigh) A woman needs a certain type of vajayjay before she can go full aero streamline. There, I said it. Vajayjay. Are you happy? Now I have to go rub one out in the salary restroom(the one with the good lock) so I can remained focus on the chest of my...rest REST of my day.
MRSC LEAN
McFly: Let's hear about these "types."
Jim Romney --
My dog has been singing that annoying Rebecca Black "It's Friday" song all morning just to irk me.
If you see him, make sure you tell him you're not related to Mitt Romney.
Otherwisem, he'll start singing that new Devo song about Seamus the Irish Setter.
And trust me, no one wants that.
http://www.vanityfair.com/online/oscars/2012/08/devo-mitt-romney-seamus-song
Oh great, now I've done it.
My dog is singing "Don't Roof Rack Me Bro."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuXunulTYpU
Oh well, could be worse.
I can't think how, but I'm sure it could.
You've got my attention now, McFly. Is this a functional distinction or an aesthetic one? Just askin' cause in my experience they tend to clean up rather nicely...
Uh... and what about all the guys out there? We can't simply assume that a gal is going to win the Cock-off, can we? I mean, what happens if Leroy's dog wins?
Does that No!No! thing I saw on tv really work?
Yes, I'm a little curious about these "types" too since my experience has been rather limited.
I'm never going to a library again... ever.
Cocks
Looks like we'll have to send someone into the salary restroom (the one with the good lock) to rescue McFly...
Ladies, try lovelargelabia.tumblr.com.
You are welcome.
WHEW!(wipes forehead) Remember when restrooms used to be for pooping and junk instead of sexting your wife? Well...not YOUR wife.
The vajayjay can be best broken down (heehee) into 2 types(3 if you have ever dated a girl from Benton County) and without getting too graphic(which is what you fiends REALLY want) I will put it in terms of belly-buttons(where I thought sex happened until I was 19). There is an "inny" and an "outy". The inny looks like a beautiful delicious meat taco and does not have to be garnished with pubes unlike the more complicated outy, which kind of needs a tophat to offset its open-faced roast beef sandwich exquisidness.
McFly: That's, just like, your opinion, man.
I thought you meant certain women physically couldn't, which had me thinking, about stuff, and things.
*takes shirt off*
COME AT ME FORD-BRO!!!
SexSnobNYC
Your right. What do I know. I will never forget one time(being all smooth)I asked a girl if the "carpet matched the drapes" and she said "Oh no I ripped the carpet up a longtime ago."
Anon 4:52,
You sir, have some explaining to do. That's an oddly specific pornographic site.
Leroy,
Boy does your dog have bad taste in music (and I mean that in a mean way), and I thought the call me maybe song was irritating.
Oh, we Romneys are all related somehow, be it either by Mormonism, Catholicism, or the most common Carelessism.
For the record I told dear old Mitt not to put the dog on top, but he told me HIS dog said he liked he view from up there - and there's a perfect doggy-style joke setup for the others that like talking Vajajays and stuff on here, the cunts.
Jim --
That's the problem. My dog doesn't like Rebecca Black. He just sings "It's Friday" to be annoying.
At least "Don't Roof Rack Me Bro" is topical.
Thoughtful explanation McFly. Not that it matters to me cuz as previously stated no way is hot wax getting anywhere near my ladybits.
I'm out of dope. I needs the e p o! Some blood dope too.
Anyone on this blog have the contact information for ...
Floyd Landis?
Lance?
Sheryl Crow?
Sheryl Crow's lady/man/girl pal?
Vino?
Carmichael?
Bruyneel?
Cuntador?
I Otgay Hatway Ouyay Antway ...
Allcay Emay
With the exception of Leroy's dog, can you all stop humping babble's and frilly's legs? Leave that work to the pros like the all mighty Cipo
andre williams said something relevant to which i agree, but i won't repeat it. just don't call it what oprah calls it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYxAWZ7tSZY
(god bless canada too)
Wildcat - can we submit links to wacky cock-pit websites instead? Nonny's got a winner for you. And may we have a cock-off every week, please? This is fun.
anon @ 4:19 - it speaks for itself.
mr romney, Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment.
clitisanlly moistened see through damp sky blue pink time traveling warp speed space panties
Alberto ( the first 'o' is pronounced as a 'u' in his neck of Madrid) Contador is an inspiration to all those who believe in re-demption. Having sinned, he has shunned the dark side and returned to glory. I no longer hate him.
Say hello to your Leisure Ride National Champion. Jealous?
Have you seen this awful website?
http://everyday-carry.com/post/29074191902/submitted-by-hans-nelson-from-left-to-right
Steve Tilford has disdain for all pro riders equally until he is near them. Then he starts to effortlessly and shamelessly hump their epic calves.
Speaking of manicued vs unmanicured bush. Check out Demi Moore's.
http://thatdogsblog.com/post/16581014226/demi-moore-nude-and-rocking-a-crazy-bush-in
She was hot when she was twenty, but she was scorching when she was fifty...
How can that be?
Imagine if harry bib-guy went down on her. There is no amount of Panteen Pro-V in the world that could make that situation manageable.
We know "Caveman bib model" is not a serious cyclist because he actually has some upper body muscle mass. He's not a pencil neck pussy like most Freds appear to be.
What is a man's first duty? The answer is brief: To be himself.
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I went to bed waaaaaaaaaaay too late last night, and besides, even on a good day, I can't remember what happened before breakfast.
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