Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Three Feet Please: Inappropriate Bike Handling

Greetings from the United States of the USA:


(Statue of Liberty, moments before being arrested for flag-burning.)

Where 47% of our citizens are government leeches who are too lazy to earn themselves millions of dollars:

(Leech with opposable thumb holds sign.)

By the way, I didn't sit around waiting for the government to pay for me to go to some fancy art school just so I could make pictures of leeches holding signs.  Instead, I taught myself how to make leech art, and that's called "gumption."  (Or "moxie" if you're an "ethnic.")  Generous government incentives for self-taught leech art businesses are also the reason I'm now making millions of dollars and paying single-digit income tax.

Still, we're not as bad as Canada, where something like a quarter of the population doesn't even believe in a god (and that includes the God, which is of course the Succulent Lobster on High), and where if you're bleeding to death the socialist government will squander its precious financial resources in order to provide you with superfluous "doctoring."  You can rest assured that when I visit Canada next week I'll be holding my nose the whole time, and if you want to join me in deriding the Red (Maple Leaf) Menace here's the schedule:

I promise to force air through my mouth hole in order to make sounds in English (at least while I'm not shoving Tim Hortons into it), and I also promise to keep most of my clothes on whenever I'm in public view, which means that a fabulous time will be had by all.  Also, please note that while the poster shows two books that I wrote, I've also written a third book, and it's an Asian fusion-themed protein cookbook called "Wok This Whey."  (Bon Appétit magazine called it "'The Joy of Cooking' for the weightlifting set.")

Moving on, if you've ever been in a bike race, you know that some races start out slowly, while others are "ballistic" right from the gun.  Well, yesterday I announced the Second Biennial Cock-Off contest (formerly the "Second Bi-Annual Cock-Off" contest, until a commenter pointed out I was using "bi-annual" wrong), and it definitely belongs in the latter category.  Already the cockpits are proving to be blisteringly insane, though this one may have taken the holeshot:


It was spotted by a reader in Belpasso, Sicily, and here's a close-up of "the goods:"


Trying to make sense of this cockpit at a glance is like flipping "Finnegans Wake" open in the middle and starting to read (actually, it really doesn't matter where you start "Finnegans Wake" since it reads like a pair of squirrels were having sex on a typewriter), so here's some insight from the photographer:

The guy has a solar panel system on his handlebars, along with tire-generators to power his GPS, camera, and lighting system.  Not sure if you can see from this photo, but he also has a license plate that says "Stephano" - which I assume his name.  The guy came to ask me some friendly questions about why I was taking pics of his bike - and all I could reply was that I was in awe.

I too am in awe.  Note the toggle switch, halogen light, old-timey bulb horn, and analog compass:


As well as the auxiliary "hipster cyst:"


Presumably a hedge in case there isn't enough Sicilian sunshine to feed those thirsty solar panels:


This cockpit is a rolling Sicilian message, and the message is that Stefano is a mad genius.  This is going to be a tough cockpit to beat, but it's still early, and any number of GC contenders are still liable to emerge (and other cycling clichés).

Meanwhile, back in "Uh, Merica?," a reader informs me that Duckie from "Pretty In Pink" managed to crash himself in a triathlon:


The incident occurred when he was riding down a hill and suddenly discovered that, like most triathletes, he had absolutely no idea how to ride a bike once it starts going faster than seven miles per hour:

"I don't know what happened...  I was bombing down a hill, having a great time, on an awesome bike, and, uh, wheel got all wobbly, got away from me, and I was like, 'Whuuuh!'"

"Whuuuh!" indeed.  Duckie then went on to congratulate himself for wearing a helment instead of chastising himself for not wearing the full body armor that should be mandatory in all triathlons.  Fortunately, he wasn't seriously injured, and he ultimately escaped with just some road rash:

(Duckie displaying his bandages, otherwise known as "triathlete's arm warmers.")

In any case, it sounds like Duckie was a victim of "speed wobble," and I wouldn't be surprised if aerobars with roughly three feet of headset spacers under them were a contributing factor.  If nothing else, it's also a reminder that I'd sooner ride a bicycle on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway than get anywhere near a triathlete:


The above photo was forwarded to me by a reader who does not know the source, but given that it was taken by someone driving a car we can pretty much rule out David Byrne.*

*(Reader has since obtained the source.)

Anyway, while triathletes continue to fall all over themselves, still another reader tells me that Portlanders are catching air on fully-loaded bakfietsen ("bakfietsen" is pretentious for "bakfietseseses"):


As a Surly Big Dummy rider who has been screamed at by one of my seventeen children to go "Faster, faster!" as we were passed easily by an elderly woman on a Bianchi Milano, I can say quite confidently that all the participants in the "Fiets of Parenthood" are obviously on the EPO.

Of course, it's every parent's dream to scream at a child, "If you're so fucking fast why don't you chase Grandma down?," though you don't want them to turn to Craigslist in search of a race frame and stumble on something like this:



This ad comes from still yet another reader, and while I was frightened by the photographer's feet:


I was doubly horrified when, upon closer inspection, I noticed a third foot:


Is the seller naked?  If so, does the tertiary mystery foot indicate he has a naked photo assistant as well? Or does the seller himself have three feet?  I don't know, and I don't want to know, though I do think "Tertiary Mystery Foot" may have been a Jim Jarmusch film.

Lastly, from even still yet another reader comes an eBay auction for an exquisite rare pie plate that comes with some shitty old bonus derailleur:


I plan to buy it and build an astonishing steampunk monocle around it.

124 comments:

Anonymous Coward said...

Podium!!

Anonymous Coward said...

Hellz yeah

Anonymous said...

Sprinters are duders!

velobotomy said...

Top five?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

missed.. but top 10

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

In with the top 10 shleppers.

Captain Hardbread said...

double babe!

babble on said...

Good day, peeps!

Astroluc said...

Top 10...

Jasper said...

Early doors - ish

erikbeng said...

Gross. Why not just put the bike on the table to photograph...probably would have taken too much of "me time".

babble on said...

Dear Wildcat,

Hooooooooooray!!! Nipples! Bare legs and nipples all in one post.... Oh thank you, thank you, most snobbical one of all.

Happily,
Babbles.

Anonymous Coward said...

I would like to dedicate this win to my doctor...err...training advisor.

Tim Joe said...

I don't know how many feet that guy has, but that rug really tied the room together.

2wheeler said...

Funny!

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty; could have been a contender had I not stopped to read.

WRM, I'm in awe: a reference to Finnegan's Wake in a bike blog!

McFly said...

Recumbabe is starting to have shades of "Weekend at Bernies".

theEel said...

weed.

Squirrels having sex said...

Le correcteur - please! There is no apostrophe in Finnegans Wake. That is part of the charm.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

WTF is wrong with portland!

velobotomy said...

You DON'T want to know what the photographer was using as a "tripod."

Anonymous said...

uncensored recumbabe, twice as nice.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wobbly Ducky.

Billy said...

My favorite is the non-plussed kids fiet: http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8451/7995027692_c79c90d021_z.jpg

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I started to get a warm and fuzzy at the bikePortland site until the helmet debate reared its ugly head in the comments.

WTF is right.

grog said...

Double Recumbabe!
I feel like I may already be a winner.

bikemike said...

$390 for the Campy pie plate & the shitty rear derailleur?! (yes, I had to look).

Damn snobby, this superfluous blogging activity must be pulling in the greenbacks. Well done.

Anonymous said...

Holland-y stuff. Have a look at this.....it's dead good.

http://www.cycling-embassy.org.uk/blog/2012/09/17/space-and-its-use-city-amsterdam

hey nonny mouse (off for a read now)

Anonymous said...

I knew the helminth was coming!

This anonymous predicted it yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Tim Horton's what?

P. Bateman said...

do all those kids belong to that one lady? does she require a special saddle to accommodate what i assume is the 29'er sized equivalent of a vagina?

portland seriously is pretty annoying. thank god they are on a completely different coast.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Recumbabe has a low drag coefficient.

http://www.grc.nasa.gov/WWW/K-12/airplane/shaped.html

Anonymous said...

Enough about your upcoming trip to America's northern appendix. Which day are you speaking at the Philly Bike Expo so I can buy a ticket?? Will you have copies of your book available for us to buy so you can defile? Or will have to provide our own???

Daniel said...

Look at the upper left corner of the naked legs picture. There appears to be a 4th foot!!!!

Jim Romney said...

Recumbabe and 94 percent of these commenters (double the national average as a conservative estimate) pay no taxes, you cunts!

mikeweb said...

Is that BQE rider doing the 21st century urban equivalent of Costner's arms out 'shoot me' horse ride at the beginning of 'Dances with Wolves'?

If so, it's his lucky day. In Williamsburg the Hasidim will adopt him as one of their own and rename him 'Rides with T'fillin.

Fran said...

Looks like some great photo ops there at the 'Fiets Of Parenthood' event for the pro bike license crowd. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

holy shit that was funny.

babble on said...

Oooooh! Four naked feet! One more and it's a party!

Erm. I'm confused. Aren't the great unwashed leaches still paying for the mistakes his moneyed friends on wall st made??

And if anyone should be pointing tax fingers, ut's not him.

Anonymous said...

Okay,1 question and 1 comment. Is that really the poster/flyer announcing your talk/book signing [with recumbabe in all her "splendor"?] Is your tour really sponsored by an oil/gas company? Ai yai yai, Snobby! Oh, well...even that David Byrne guys needs to fill up once in a while...

Anonymous said...

AYFOPHSMB

Jed said...

Judging by the carpet, that bike frame is minutes away from being converted into a hookah. Judging by the POV, that bottom bracket is seconds away from becoming a poor substitute for a 30BB vagina.

Candypants said...

Did you say 'baked fetuses?'


gross

CommieCanuck said...

"Where 47% of our citizens are government leeches who are too lazy to earn themselves millions of dollars"

Paul Ryan told me the exact same thing after he won the 2010 TDF.

Anonymous said...

Motoman is here.

jno62 said...

I once rode with a guy who had his GPS and iPhone mounted to the front of his bike.

He showed up late.

Said he made "a couple wrong turns."

Thanks for the giggles Snob!

Anonymous said...

Not to overplay the voice of adult sobriety, but that lady pedaling the grossly overloaded cargo bike on the ramp jump is nuts. Yep, it's all fun until someone loses an eye [or breaks their kid's bones]...

g-roc said...

Yeah, I noticed the blurry 4th foot too. Rules out it being a clever Fred subliminal plea for 3 feet to pass.

Invisible Man said...

I note that the photographer who photographed the cyclist on the expressway (so much more sensible than just calling the cops, don't you think?) attributed the bizarre sight to his being in Brooklyn. What silly prejudice. On Sunday, a motorist in Park Slope backed into the bike stand where my Surly Long Haul Trucker was parked and trashed the rear wheel. Witnesses told me which car had done it, I left a note on his windscreen and on Monday the guy was in touch to pay for my new, hand-built rear wheel. That's Brooklyn for you. Or at least it's Park Slope, where presumably trashing a bike with your Volvo is about as acceptable as buying phosphate fertilizer for your vegetable patch...
http://invisiblevisibleman.blogspot.com/

wishiwasmerckx said...

The tridexter community is all riled up over today's [post.

Comment deleted said...

Babble On,

I will give you a pass for your naivety about (Canada's) 'Merkin politics, given your government-dependent residence in THC-clouded BC.

Can't you Canadians grasp the difference between heinous socialism (e.g., baby steps towards universal health care) and the God-sanctioned propping of too-big-to-fail, job-creating corporations?

Here's a hint: the first is BAD.

McFly said...

That Fiets MILF would quit having kids if she would take them Fuck Me Boots(tm) off.

Forget that cockpit I love that Triple-Decker seat bag.

This was a really enjoyable post peppered with humorous insights.

streepo said...

I had a God salad roll yesterday. It was delicious.

Anonymous said...

Snobby, I didn't know you toured with Recumbabe! What is she like off-camera?
You got a deram life dude...

Dougie Fresh said...

wouldn't that be more of a secondary foot? Seems to me that the first two feet occupy the "primary feet" position together.

Anonymous said...

3 feet is too much. I only need 2 feet + space for giving the finger.

g-roc said...

Nice feat: fiets & feets. Good spondee (metrical feets) too.

Anonymous said...

i need a bigger boxbike to carry you sorry 47% that are riding my wheel. get a job fuckers.

crosspalms said...

Between the naked feets, the bake feets and the book feats, this was one pedal extremity after another. But how do I get my free leech?

Anonymous said...

Are you sure that photo wasn't taken by David Byrne? Evidently he rents cars just to play with the buttons, maybe he drives them also.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/09/09/david-byrne-on-how-music-works.html

frilly said...

Duckie should take a few lessons on bike handling from mama Fiets. Seriously, though, how does she ride that thing? And her tush must be amazing!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Hookah??

You don't know shit-boukake is seconds away!

babble on said...

WAIT! DON'T TELL ME! LETMEGUESSLETMEGUESS!

The GOOD one means you get to go to war ALL THE TIME to secure the energy required to appease the Merican economy. Which is, everyone knows, the world's greatest weapon of massive consumption.

babble on said...

OH! OH! OH!

And the BAD one means your army rides bikes instead of driving tanks!

leroy said...

So my dog finally shows up after his gig as a klezmer dee-jay at a New Year's Eve party.

And I'm like so dude where is like the $20 bucks you owe me.

And he's all like, yeah, funny thing, these bros in peyos told me to cast my bread on the water so my sins would float away.

So I'm like all yeah, right, tashlich my butt. He'd have to toss a bakery.

Robin Leech said...

And today on "Lifestyles of the Poor and Reclusive...."

jim.cassa said...

Bravo Stefano, that is the one most amazing cock pit. Did I see speakers on the bar ends, or am I lost in a sicilian dream? I also noticed that he did not have to lock up his bike. That bike would look great on a roof of a house and 6-7 kids could pedal up all the energy they needed. Weird, Mafia capital of the world and you don't have to lock up a bike. He would be king if that town had a "Full-and-a-Half" bike day.

McFly said...

Guess who just ordered some Michelin Mud 2 cross tires? This guy (points thumbs at self). I am going to totally build up a CX bike and then not ride it. Is cross fun? It looks easy and fun. And pukey.

McFly said...

Babble,
Do not ever hyperlink us to your blog without instant nipple exposure. Maybe you could change your avatar.

CommieCanuck said...

"The GOOD one means you get to go to war ALL THE TIME to secure the energy required to appease the Merican economy. Which is, everyone knows, the world's greatest weapon of massive consumption."

Canada is currently battling an epidemic of stupid. This is the land of Rob Ford.
We're now buying $35B in fighter planes and picking fights with Iran (good thing we bought those fighter jets!).

Canadians are now as broke-ass in debt as Americans were in 2008. Stupid is as stupid does. Mitt Romney? We've had a version of him since 2006.

CommieCanuck said...

blech

Dooth said...

More political math!? Percent company excluded.

frilly said...

Triathlete's arm warmers--true that! At a group ride rest break, I was chatting w/a woman I had not met previously. She is a runner who just purchased her bike on CL in hopes of doing triathlon. Anyhoo, she had all these scabs & bruises on her legs. I asked if she had taken a fall running and she said no, that she was still learning to clip out. Sure enough on the return, she crashed. I didn't see what happened cuz I was slacking off back of pack jawing w/a friend, but the next time I saw the runner she had band-aids on both legs & was dripping blood. I almost laughed outloud, not at her misfortune of course. I was thinking Snobbie & the commentariat would have a field day. Lob love her though, she seems determined.

mikeweb said...

frills, I would have laughed at her misfortune. Just one more reason why I'll be checking into Hades Hotel when I check out.

Anonymous said...

An anonymous writ "Not to overplay the voice of adult sobriety..."

Can one overplay the voice of adult sobriety?

I'm giving in to imagining this overplay and Dana Carvey's Church Lady materializes from the fog chasing after Emily Finch and her brood of helmented innocents.

Nice.

Clever Cycles indeed. "Fiets" of Parenthood just makes me want to punch something because that's a really good pun and I hate good puns and that's one really good pun. Bastards.


frilly said...

mikeweb, I will admit to one quick little smirk. After all, I am part of the commentariat.

frilly said...

So, what does that mean for me? Never ending purgatory?

Anonymous said...

This kickstarter is asking 50,000 dollars to make cranks shaped like the number 7

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1202837765/z-torque-bicycle-cranks-ride-faster-longer-easier?ref=category

ashcroftchops said...

My wife has an amazing cock pit....
But you aint seeing a photo of it!

babble on said...

c'mon... share share sugar bear...

babble on said...

McFly. Persistent wee bugger aren't yeah?

You've seen the lovely nipples here I expect?


Poppa Wheelie said...

mmmmm, sugar bear

Sugar Bear said...

I saved some homosexuals life tonight.

Anonymous said...

This healmeant is an advancement in technology.

Anonymous said...

http://cheezburger.com/6587076352



This healmeant is an advancement in saving your ass.

Allen said...

Not a cockpit shot, but anyway, wow: this one could be as heavy...
http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/3225019265.html
Look at all that METAL!

Anonymous said...

Creative BikeSnobNYC, I love this

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JohnBob said...

It looks like the frame seller has the proverbial two left feet. Except his far-leftest foot is a right foot, which is more disturbing than having two left plus a right.

By the way, quit dissing America. Where else will some money-grubbing corporations give You(personally)a free perscattante, a free bike for your wife to use, and a cable-enabled theft-proof folding bike, for what we can only assume is free advertising space in your blog, or ridicule, as the case may be.

When you get to Canada, please weigh the cost of socialized health-care against the cost of a six-pack of beer, averaged over your average yearly consumption of both. I'd be willing to bet you get more consumer satisfaction from the lower cost of beer in America than cheap healthcare in Canada.

By the way, prescription drugs are more expensive here, because by paying higher prices, we subsidize the lower cost for Canadians. We can only hope it works the other way around for the price of canadian beer here, in the good old USA.

Keep up the good work, or what ever it is that you do that pays the bills.

JohnBob said...


I just found this in my email. Maybe the mystery of the third foot is solved.


To:ANTHGRAD-L@LIST.UNM.EDU


Dear all:
We are missing the articulated human foot cast from our collection in room 176. If you have it, please return it
immediately. We have a number of classes that need the foot this
week. As a reminder, if you borrow from the collection, fill out the check-out slip, and leave the slip on the shelf where the cast resides.

Thank you,
Sherry

Anonymous said...

There are 4 possibly naked feet/leg combo's which implies the frame most likely has spondee on it.

Anonymous said...

I mean 2, 4 limbs. 1 load.

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Carl said...

I had a good laugh while reading this post! Thanks for that! I actually avoid buying bicycles or bicycle parts from sites like Craiglist and Ebay since I have encountered a number of online sellers that are pretty suspicious and weird (just like in your examples!) I am from Australia, so I get my bicycles, gears and accessories from Bicycles Online.

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