Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Blizzard of Odd: Pedaling to the Bitter End

(Picture courtesy of "Daddo One")

As you may know, New York City and a good chunk of the East Coast is currently being pummeled by a snow-laden "nor'easter"--or, as people in Minnesota call it, a "beach day." Yes, people like "The Nonplussed Minnesotan Commuter" may scoff, but our local media is already dubbing this storm the "Snowpocalypse," or "Snowmageddon," or "God's Dandruff," or any number of irritatingly hyperbolized sobriquets, and life here has slowed to a virtual trackstand. I had resolved not to panic, but when I checked my Twitter this morning (a morning "Twitter checking" can be quite invigorating) I was horrified to discover that "Bicycling" magazine had actually closed:

Not only was this storm powerful enough to shut down an entire publication, but it was also forcing them to ski! While this is a perfectly reasonable course of action for laypeople, it seems to me that a magazine called "Bicycling" should adhere a little more steadfastly to its subject instead of closing down and defecting to another sport as soon as the weather gets crappy. Don't they have a Pugsley or some studded tires to test? This is like the staff of "Surfer" magazine saying the water's too cold so they're going to go skateboarding instead, or like visiting Martha Stewart's Twitter for a delightful recipe and reading, "Fuck this, I'm going to McDonald's." (By the way, if you're Martha's two millionth follower you'll win a Singer sewing machine. She's already got 1,886, 134 followers now, so all I've got to do is create 115,866 Twitter accounts and follow her and that machine is mine! I'm sure it's a good one too, because Martha knows sewing almost as well as she knows Great Head.)

Moreover, it's well known that the entire cycling world looks to "Bicycling" like the financial world looks to the New York Stock Exchange, so I realized that if they're shutting down everyone else may follow suit. Panicked, I headed right for Tour de France winner Alberto Contador's Twitter, and sure enough he was off the clock too:


Next, I checked in with mail order retail giant Performance's Twitter, where I read these terrifying words:


It seemed as though one by one the storm was felling the mighty giants of cycling. Fortunately though, there were some holdouts. The popular Internet TV series Pedaling, for example, continued to miss the point as always:

Also, occasional cycling writer Joel Stein was clearly making the best of a bad situation:

It's certainly some sort of "geddon" when Joel Stein is the world's only remaining cycling writer. This is like North Korea attacking the United States (I understand Kim Jong Il has been stockpiling ICBMs armed with R-Sys warheads for this purpose) and Gloria Fallon becoming president through the line of succession.

Speaking of "Pedaling," it just so happens that they have released their final episode, entitled "Herbs & Botanicals." Having watched the entire series up to now, it seemed a shame not to watch this one too. Sure, it's a waste of time, but sometimes you feel compelled to finish something even though you have nothing to gain in the end. (This is the same approach I have to bike racing--it's called "The French Method.") Since this was the grand finale, I had hoped that they'd reunite "The Fixie Crew" (subsequently downgraded to "The Single-Speed Crew"), or maybe even gather everyone who's ever been on the show for a big meal like one of those stupid all-star classic rock tribute concerts. Instead, though, they tapped "The Saffron King" for an encore, which also makes sense because when you've loaded the bases like the producers of "Pedaling" have you want to bring out your heavy hitter:

Evidently sprung from jail, the Saffron King is indeed living it up, and he's rubbing the DEA's nose in it. Not only is he wearing a psychedelic shirt and pushing "exotic spices:"


But he's also supplying a "hidden speakeasy" (a hidden speakeasy is like a regular speakeasy, only more redundant):

If you're unfamiliar with the "speakeasy" concept, it's the latest thing in trendy New York City drinking. Once upon a time, during prohibition, a speakeasy was an illegal bar where you'd drink "bathtub hooch" or whiskey that had been smuggled from Canada in the tires of Model Ts. (I believe you'll find all of this to be historically accurate.) Now, it's a fashionable bar without a sign that you can read all about on "Yelp," and where you can quaff $15 cocktails made by "mixologists." ("Mixologists" are pretentious bartenders who "curate" drinks instead of making them.)

But before we get to see the speakeasy (I believe this one is called "The Douchery") we've got to accompany the Saffron King on another errand. By the way, if you thought he looked miserable last time, just wait until you see him on the cobbles:


Also, the Saffron King has always looked familiar to me. At first I thought it was because he may have sold me some bad "Wednesday Weed" (or, as he called it, "great oregano") in Washington Square Park years back, but I finally realized it's because he looks kind of like Richard Libertini. That's the guy who played Chevy Chase's boss in "Fletch:"

As well as Praka in "All of Me:"

The above footage is actually not from "All of Me;" it is in fact DEA footage of the Saffron King desperately flushing his stash prior to his last arrest.

Anyway, it will hardly surprise you to learn that the Saffron King's errand involves providing some sniveling junkie with his "fix:"


Then it's on to the speakeasy:


Which is clearly a highly fashionable meth lab:


The head "mixologist" sounds like a hybrid of Werner Herzog and Bruno, and he's sporting a studiously windswept hairstyle and a chin-to-shirt drop that would make a bike designer blush:


Here he is sampling the product:

("It's pure.")

And here he is making the world's most expensive Flaming Moe:


Then the Saffron King tells the shifty-looking guy in the vest that he wants to make his own drink:


I'm not sure I heard him right, but I'm pretty sure the Saffron King said he planned to call it the "Measured Barbarian," which sounds less like a beverage and more like this:


He also says, "For the mouth feel we're going to use some egg whites," which the shifty-looking guy proceeds to add:

I'm no mixologist, but I guess that "mouth feel" is the pretentious bartending equivalent of "colorway." I'm also not sure if "Measured Barbarian" is a bad name for a drink that has an egg white mouth feel, or if it's actually the most appropriate name possible. I guess it all depends on which part of the barbarian you're measuring and how:

("All You Haters Feel My Egg Whites")

If that's not enough to frighten you away from The Douchery, then perhaps the fact that your drink actually needs to be harvested will convince you that your time and money is probably better spent at your local happy hour:

Feels like a snowjob to me.

114 comments:

purchasing said...

Podi?!!

J said...

3rd?!

DLA said...

2nd?

Lucas said...

top 10

Hans said...

Top ten!

Astroluc said...

Sky Chowder...

top 10!!

SKYC HWDR

ant1 said...

ant1st!

mikeweb said...

Mush!!

Aapje said...

Top 10

Mike Russell said...

Classic post. You have clever oozing our of your pores...

Anonymous said...

10th?

Anonymous said...

Damn!

Wagner said...

performance

Anonymous said...

top 50 for sure
when are these going to come out as podcasts

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

landis in 06 said...

hashish

rezado said...

hi-rez

Jefe said...

Top Twenty

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

I'd be careful Snobby, that measured barbarian looks like he's getting ready to whip out his snake and hypnotise it into an arrow.

Seeeek...

Anonymous said...

Seems like the nerd ratio among the cyclists in the series is higher than the bell graph would merit.

mn_bikes said...

pugsley FTW! Really b-mag, don't be such pussies.

Anonymous said...

DEEP SNOW

Anonymous said...

At 1:13 in the Pedaling video the Spice King is about to be doored while there is a clear bike lane on the other side of the street. Dumbfuck.

Anonymous said...

Leave that bike unattended on Doyer street and it's gone...

Jefe said...

Snob, the Safron King is more insidious than you suspected. At one point in the video he admits that the contraband has been smuggled from Iran, a clear violation of the "Trading with the Enemy Act," 50 U.S.C. sec. 5. I think you may need to call in Homeland Security and DEA.

mikeweb said...

I love it!! He drops the kickstand and leaves the bike IN THE STREET! Saffron King's portrayal of getting around NYC by bicycle, has a lot in common with the CSI franchise's portrayal of law enforcement work.

BTW, those aren't mere 'drinks' or 'cocktails' the Werner guy is making, they're 'elixers'.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know barbarians were measured to the top of their winged/horned helmets...seems kinda like tape measuring the epic-ness of a burrito around the bag of chips all epic burritos come with.

leroy said...

Put my deraileur pulley into the spokes last night on the Brooklyn Bridge.

I hate it when I do that.

Otherwise I'd have ridden today. Honest.

I don't think the heavy stuff is coming down for another hour.

Anonymous said...

Leg-mounted p-fars?
http://vimeo.com/6163058

sufferist said...

Leroy, perhaps you'll want to consider remounting your pie plate. That's what its for.

frilly said...

Thanks for the link to Alberto's twitter, Snobby. You know, I'm a little miffed that he hasn't accepted my friend request yet on FB.

Douches with Attitudes said...

If you ain't from the Douchery, stay the fuck out of the Douchery.

ringcycles said...

"a hidden speakeasy is like a regular speakeasy, only more redundant"

and a Fletch - Rich. Libertini reference ("Reds!, you don't mean communists, do you Sam")

Absolutely Brilliant.

"mouthfeel" is a pretentious way to say rich texture. Faux gourmets can always sound knowledgable by saying something has good "mouthfeel"

Anonymous said...

What, pray tell, are the editors of Bicycling magazine "cross training" for?

Rantwick said...

You have been highlighting pretentious nonsense with great accuracy this week. The Douchery. So fitting, so... right. I love you, man. (pffft. Hic.)

sufferist said...

Mr. Snob:

Nice pictitorial.

I'm thinking of a business venture with the Saffron King and the Douchery. It would be a mail-order mixology kit. Just add your choice of spirits to the painstakingly curated blend of egg whites, lavender and 11-secret-herbs-and- spices, then voila, you can be wasting money just like a real New York hipsters.

I'll call it the Hipster Sipsters.

The site that I will sell it on will allow for photo uploads of Midwestern pseudo-intellectuals imbibing grain alcohol elixirs, the likes of which Kansas has never seen before. There will also be a "Culture" section where t-shirts and hats with pithy saying can be purchased at exorbitant prices.

I think that an entry level kit price point, enough for 3/8ths of a drink, would be around $36.27, only the serious need apply.

Krokkediltril said...

First South-African comment!

Blaiser said...

Put Edwina Back in Bowl!

Adrian said...

Spot on as usual with the debunking of the pseuds and douches , unfortunately I quite enjoyed that instalment of Pedaling ,although i would have prefered if it had been Meredith instead of the Saffron King. At least we didn't have to put up with the Fixie gang.

Jefe said...

sufferist, I know. I would have saved $800 on a new Chorus derailleur, chain, and rear wheel, if I only had a goddamn pie plate. But it's a friggin Serrotta. Pie plates are against the law (of bike fashion).

hillbilly said...

nice new pic, frilly

that was my favorite part too, mikeweb. i love it.

i love how people are acting like we're in a state of emergency, and then all will be back to normal in the morning.

"i got better"

sufferist said...

Jefe, sorry to hear that...why is it that on such expensive equipment, the possibility of such an egregious error still exists. I would think that it would have been engineered out once you get passed the Sora/Tiagra groupo.

Anonymous said...

YAY - a long overdue Weednesday
post!! How fun!

Anonymous said...

I made my oatmeal too goddam salty today.

George Not Hincapie said...

The pie plate is the ear lobe of the bicycle. Never trust anybody without one.

Anonymous Coward said...

Snob - good lobster god man you are working overtime today with the images, great stuff

@hillbilly props for the quote

Anonymous said...

Re: Cycling vs skiing

Mitch Hedberg once said that Pringles was supposed to be a tennis ball company, but due to a mixup, a truck of potatoes showed up, and they said 'fuck it, slice em up!'

So if life gives you potatoes, make potato chips.

Coastiedouche said...

When i go to my local coffee shop do I ask for a cinnamon infused hybridized mocha minimized caffeine containing proprietary textured mouthfeel to the mixologist? otherwise known as a cup of joe.Its amazing what madison avenue has done to common everyday choices to make everything more personalized and ultimately more expensive.

db said...

Dammit, Mikeweb, the inability to recall the source of the "snake-arrow" reference is making my head hurt.

Sure, it's a waste of time, but sometimes you feel compelled to finish something even though you have nothing to gain in the end. (This is the same approach I have to bike racing--it's called "The French Method.")

Magnifique!

Rick Donkey said...

Saffron King also plays bass for The Budos Band. Vid check. http://vimeo.com/3670247

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

I'll have a steak sandwich and a steak sandwich.

Anonymous said...

"...sometimes you feel compelled to finish something even though you have nothing to gain in the end. (This is the same approach I have to bike racing--it's called "The French Method."

gold star

"a hidden speakeasy is like a regular speakeasy, only more redundant"

gold star, again
good stuff to make lunch in snow-free pdx more entertaining! (i'm lamenting, not rubbing it in)

Jefe said...

sufferist, it was not the derailleur's fault. It was the crappy Mavic wheel, whose spoke was ejected into (and then froze) my chain on a stiff climb. The derailleur actually did its job by severing at the pin attached to the hangar, thus saving the frame from damage. These were not even those expensive, exploding Mavic wheels of BSNYC lore.

Anonymous said...

Pffft!

The Saffron King is but a lowly Cat. 4 when compared to the Cat. 1 Lone Wolf.

PCLA said...

So is Speakeasy culture closed by definition? If only I knew the password! Dang it I missed another trend/lifestyle!

The Vaginal Scent of a Beautiful Woman said...

Mixologists, don't forget the secret vital ingredient to the ultimate Valentine's elixer!

leroy said...

Uh oh, I hope pie plates don't become the new helmet debate.

There's nothing that can't be fixed.

Fortunately, I lost my dignity long ago and could not have damaged that further.

Stanley said...

Measured! Barbarian!

g said...

"leroy said...

Uh oh, I hope pie plates don't become the new helmet debate. "

I think in this environment they may become the next wheelbrow debate. At least for geared bikes.

sufferist said...

Jefe: same answer, substitue Sora/Tiagra for cheap wheel of your choice....

mikeweb said...

db, think the 'original' Conan.

I am the engine. said...

woosies.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

All you mixologists suck my beers.

Anonymous said...

snob,

In gratitude for all the entertaining and enlightening insight you have provided free of charge for the last several years, I and the rest of your loyal followers will assist your endeavor. Sit tight, and within hours...ok perhaps weeks, someone following your blog will let you know what arrangements are needed to fulfill your desire for a high quality sewing machine. Just think about it! you can put Rapha out of business overnight!

Stupid Name said...

Pie plates are natures way of signaling others that you can not, or will not maintain your cable tension.

Why does that sound dirty.

ringcycles said...

Now I remember who the "mixologists" remind me of:

They are both trying to be Franck Eggelhoffer, Martin Short's character, the wedding planner, in "Father of the Bride".

The first guy has the voice and the second guy has the wardrobe.

sidewinder Slim said...

Sheet, it needs to snow more often and keep the Snob at home at his blog..that was damn funny today.
Thanks for the laugh.

bike locks said...

Crown jewel on the pretension cap.

Anonymous said...

What do pie plates have to do with cable tension?

It's all about the stops.

Anonymous said...

DB - Snake arrow reference:

Conan the Barbarian

ervgopwr said...

Snob,

lines like the "battered" pedaling missing the point again, is why this blog is so priceless.

Anonymous said...

Favorite line today: "It's pure."

Pat La Frieda said...

Eat my Meat!

Nogocyclist said...

The Saffron King is not who you think he is! In the video at 2:08 did you not notice him eyeing that pigeon. He is really the Red tailed Hawk that Bike Snob NYC photographed the other day.

Nogocyclist said...

As a small business owner, the Saffron King will never succeed in business. He is trying to sell Manna! He must have forgot his Sunday School, or Saturday School lessons. Everyone knows that you have to eat Manna when you gather it. It will be spoiled by the next day. If a businessman imported it from Iran, the time to pick it, then Ship it by air, and then transport it by bicycle to a shop or business in NYC would be too great. It would be so spoiled that he could not remain non-pulsed when he tried to sell it to someone. It would flat out stink.

Anonymous said...

MEAT EATR

I am the engine said...

"mouth feel", that sounds dirty.

Anonymous said...

I am learning way to much about saffron.

http://www.thesaffronking.com/

Anonymous said...

buncha dumb comments

ConArtist said...

New York, New Shmork. DC is prepared for this type of snow like Palin for her Tea Bag Speech. Except instead of writing notes on our hands we're busy praying for more snow...so work is continually closed and we can scoff at the city on our (sigh) recumbents generously provided by our lavish liffestyles...

Nogocyclist said...

I for one am proud that my comments are Dumb!

Thank you for noticing.

kerry said...

If I go stand at the beach here in Oz, do you suppose some of those women's century get shorts might wash up?I need a clean pair for the commute tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

I like, dont know about your epic burritos, but here on the left coast, like no one serves an "epic" burrito with a "bag" of chips. I mean, like where are you from man??

tom said...

Just in case anyone is interested, I thought I'd point out that the telephone number (304) 729-4762, otherwise known as (304) 7-AYHSMB is available through Google Voice.

Cat 4 said...

86'ed.

Got to cross-train more. Bicycling said so.

wp said...

if yestiddy was 3.5 then today is 6.0 on the five point scale.

rock it snobster!

87

Anonymous said...

saffron? what the hell is that? sounds like something homo's might use

Anonymous said...

BALD BOSS


DUMB POST


ATEY NINE

The Saffron Prince said...

If you want to try some saffron, just order a small amount like one ounce and try it. It is available on the web for only $149.00 an ounce, plus shipping.

COMMENT DELETED said...

91ST!!

Alex said...

Bikesnob is getting paid by pedaling tv to run these 'adds'

gregoryyy said...

Where in Whole Foodz will they be putting the Speakeasy?

The bartender in the purple colorway needs a good beat down,maybe even by the S. King.Flaming Moe was too friggin good,loved that.

喜早 said...

我們這一代最偉大的發現是,人類可以藉由改變心中的態度來改變人生。 ..................................................

Superteemu said...

Instead of going Nordic skiing like BicycleMag, you should try traditional Nordic kicksled, the proper instrument for your wintertime "schluffing" needs.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

Top 100.

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

ok, so like, the epic burritoos out here are soo epic, they are made to go, and come with a bag of chips. but check it out... these chips are epic too! they are sometimes many, and always too few, but always epic. this one time, when I assked about having a burritoo "for here", they epic burrottoo cart just almost drove away!

ringcycles said...

Looks left

ringcycles said...

Zips up the jersey

ringcycles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ringcycles said...

100th! Now where is the team bus?

Anonymous said...

The team bus took Lance back down the hill. Get your own ride Alberto.

Anonymous said...

"Do not open your jar of saffron near a boiling pot of water in the kitchen."

Well, how in the fuck am I supposed to get this shit into my grits?!?!

SD friend said...

gonna get it

grog said...

frilly, you look different.

Anonymous said...

"PEDALING" is so lame and pusified a term for going for a ride anyway. Who thought for a second that the show wouldn't suck flowerpots and hairy balls.


anon < DNF

Anonymous said...

bsnyc u douchebag make fun of ur gay partner lance armstrong leave contador alone fuck face

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Brad M said...

Richard Libertini...hilarious!

I thought that street looked familiar. There's only one street in Chinatown like that and it's Doyers St.

Apothéke, eh? The website is incredibly pretentious. I can't imagine what the bar is like.

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