Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Warming the Cockles: Living, Breathing, Shopping

Since the invention of moving pictures, only pornographers and the Nazis have documented their endeavors on camera more assiduously than the "bike culture," for whom no bike-related exploit is too mundane to commit to video. If you're wondering why this is, the New York Times says that it is because "street scenes can open up in flashes between stopped cars, creating a kind of stuttered approximation of film:"

What that has to do with slow-motion videos of barspinzzz and wheelies I don't know, but the project referenced in the article is "Empire," a long-awaited film featuring such fixed-gear luminaries as Prolly. "Empire" has been in production nearly as long as "Avatar," and so great is the anticipation that the "bike culture" media is even covering what goes on behind the scenes of this ambitious production:

The only thing more exciting than watching people ride fixed-gear bicycles is watching people edit videos of people riding fixed-gear bicycles, and here is Luke Stiles doing just that. I'm disappointed that nobody has ever asked to photograph me as I blog, since it looks pretty much the same except my computer's much crappier, I take my temperature compulsively, and I don't wear a COC t-shirt. (Sadly, mine disintegrated completely sometime in the late 1980s.) I wonder if Stiles also works pantslessly like I do.

While I'm not exactly the target audience for "Empire," I wish the filmmakers nothing but the best. Really, my only reservation is that projects like this embolden other would-be filmmakers whose connection to the subject matter is more tenuous and contrived. Even though I'm not interested in watching people do tricks on fixed-gears or ride slightly closer to buses than is advisable (apart from the unintentional comic factor of course), I'll certainly acknowledge that these are people who know each-other and ride together in real life. In that sense at least the "scene" is genuine. No, the real trouble starts when you have to troll for riders on Craigslist, as in this posting which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Do you have tattoos & ride a bike with no brakes? (NYC)
Date: 2010-01-04, 1:07PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Casting office casting LEAD role in short film that will shoot January 2010. Exact Dates TBD.

Description: Seeking Female, 25 years old. ALL ETHNICITIES. Piercings and tattoos a plus. An INTENSE woman. MUST ride a FIXED GEAR BIKE. This type of bike is a bike WITHOUT BRAKES.

How to Submit:
Please email [deleted]@gmail.com a recent photo, a description about yourself & your experience riding a fixed gear bike.


If you don't know any intense women with experience riding a fixed-gear bike then perhaps you shouldn't be making a film about intense women who ride fixed-gear bikes. While the "Empire" crew may be a bit self-interested, at least they didn't have to go trolling on Craigslist for people with an excessive interest in color coordination and hats.

Another contrived form is the promotional video disguised as a cycling video. A few weeks ago I mentioned a "collabo" among Specialized, Capo Forma, and Whole Foods called "Pedaling," and the first "webisode" has finally "dropped." It's called "Pizza Fixation." The score features the sort of music you would be forced to endure in a trendy clothing boutique, and here are the protagonists cycling across the Williamsburg Bridge as random verbs are flashed across the screen:

This, apparently, is the "fixie crew," and they're breathing, feeling, and being their way to Brooklyn:


But not before they go to Whole Foods in Manhattan for a bunch of pizza toppings:

There are many different ways to enjoy cycling with friends. Some riders like to meet early in the morning and ride their road bikes for five hours. Others prefer to hoist their mountain bikes from their roof racks and take to the trails. Still others like to do tricks under elevated expressways on fixed-gear BMX/29er hybrids. The "fixie crew" are a bit more genteel--they like to "hit up" the Whole Foods for Brussel sprouts, duck eggs, and cockles:

I should at this point confess that I have only moderate interest in food beyond sustenance. Sure, some things taste better to me than others, but for the most part I'm content to consume more or less the same foods every day, as more than anything else I prize regularity. For this reason many of the comestibles the "fixie crew" gathered were unfamiliar to me. To be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure I knew that ducks laid eggs--I thought they reproduced via mitosis, like elephants. However, one thing I am sure of is that I've never, ever heard anybody say the phrase, "Let's get some kombucha, it may be good for the ride:"

And I've ridden with people from Rapha.

Anyway, fortified with kombucha, the "fixie crew" heads to the register with what must be at least $600 worth of food:

I know this because I once made the mistake of purchasing lunch at a Whole Foods and was horrified when a moderate helping of some sort of Indian dish (even I occasionally flirt with irregularity) cost me four times what it would have cost me at a nearby Indian restaurant. Consequently, I vowed never to return. Fueling your ride with food from Whole Foods is about as cost-effective as fueling your car by spraying premium gasoline in the vicinity of the tank until enough finally trickles in to fill it. Presumably, though, the sponsors are footing the bill, and so the cockle-laden "fixie crew" heads back to their bikes for some riding:


And exploring:

And living:

Besides riding, exploring, and living, I noticed at this point that the guy on the red bike is also coasting, and I wondered how he managed to gain membership in the "fixie crew." I was soon distracted, though, by the NYC DOT's creative spelling of the word "visible:"

Fortunately, the members of the "fixie crew" do manage to stay visible, and they also survive the running of the Hasidic gauntlet along the Great Hipster Silk Route:

Notice the young Hasidic child looking longingly at the rider, knowing that he will never experience the thrill of riding, exploring, and living with a messenger bag full of shellfish. By the way, in case you were worried, the "fixie crew" is still breathing:

Finally, they arrive at their destination:

Where they rendezvous with a guy in one of those wedge-shaped hats:

And begin to make pizza:


The guy in the hat is particularly pleased by the cockles:


Eventually, he produces one tiny pizza with about $75 worth of toppings on it:


Which they are forced to share among four people:

It's a good thing they were riding so slowly, since they couldn't possibly have worked up much of an appetite.

Finally, having "killed" the tiny pizza, they ride off into the "wilds" of gentrified Brooklyn. For some reason, the filmmakers stop flashing verbs across the screen just when they would be most relevant:

I'm looking forward to future installments. Hopefully the next "webisode" will chronicle the "fixie crew's" quest for the elusive $250 hot dog. In the meantime, Specialized have certainly proven that the Globe Roll is indeed the perfect bike with which to "slay" an overpriced food run. If you've got a cockle-shaped hole in your stable or have been thinking about getting a dedicated duck egg bike, it might very well be the bike for you.

Buy it if: You need cockles.

Don't buy it if: You think "duck egg" is a warning and a "kombucha" is an NJS keirin frame.

200 comments:

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

VK said...

first?

VK said...

goddamit 3rd

Bad Lawyer said...

podium?

VK said...

and 4th

mikeweb said...

The Invisable Man

Anonymous said...

Just to fill a slot

Bad Lawyer said...

I was hungry before I read that post, Snob, now I'm just "cramping," must be my time of month!

Anonymous said...

and another

Anonymous said...

Isn't that actually called a "bespoke" duck egg bike?

Bad Lawyer said...

I haven't felt this woozy since I flipped through Lance 2.0 and saw him curating nutella sandwiches.

ringcycles said...

Just missed the sprint. What is PP on anyway, can't just be olive oil

mikeweb said...

RIP for the cyclist run over by the school bus on Delancey St. the other day, BTW.

jolene said...

damn this iphone dont get no 3g out here in viper i done had to give a you know what to that nerd down at the library to put in a modem or whatever he done called it

Luke said...

I'm working on a porn next.

leroy said...

I missed yesterday's post.

I slayed some low carb micro-brew called Thug Lite produced by Sixpac Shakur Brewery.

I don't remember much after that. But now I have an inexplicable urge for some kombucha.

Wonder what that's about.

Anonymous said...

"Each episode ranges from 3-6 minutes in length highlighting the best and most eclectic riding in the area and culminating in an informative and engaging lifestyle activity."

that's from the actual website!!

Brendan said...

I don't think it's entirely truthful that you're not an epicure. You're way into good cheeses.

Bad Lawyer said...

and burritos! Does Lance eat Nutella Burritos?

rezado said...

hi-rez

mikeweb said...

"Three guys walk into Whole Foods looking for cockles".

Sounds like the setup of a joke.

Never Knows Best said...

"Three guys walk into Whole Foods looking for cockles".

Mikeweb, I think that can stand as the whole joke...

Anonymous said...

Fart so the world knows you were there !!!

ringcycles said...

It couldn't make it through the whole 5 minutes. It was more about making atrocious & pretentious choices of pizza toppings than cycling. (Brussel sprouts and clams? I mean I love each, but not together or on a pie)I want my 3 minutes and my appetite back.

Anonymous said...

i was not sure what kombucha is, let alone its affects on cyclist.

Anonymous said...

Isn't kombucha a porno film?

Brendan61 said...

This video is about the most pretentious piece of shit I think I have ever seen. That specialized is using it as marketing makes me embarassed to be in the bicycle business. These precious, trustafarians shopping for the most ridiculous food ever and then riding their silly bikes....it's like watching those douchy episodes of the brady bunch where the kids form a singing group. You can't look directly at the TV while the singing scenes are on the screen for fear that your friends might find out and beat the shit out of you.

bk jimmy said...

I don't think the Globe Roll has braze-ons for a dedicated duck egg rack. What to do?

Anonymous said...

farting

Anonymous said...

let's google kombucha

kale said...

Well, they got pretty close to my idea of an epicurean adventure*. We can only hope that by the time summer rolls around, the effete will cease to carry uncooked shellfish in their Chrome bags. I'd hate to see the state of the honey buckets at Prospect Park if this doesn't happen.



*If you replaced Whole Foods with Met Foods; cockles with bacon; kombucha with Arizona Iced Tea (I'm so DTE)

Vaticdart said...

Why are the eggs in their hand basket upside down? Or is that how duck eggs come packaged at Whole Foods?

rezado said...

KOMB UCHA
NJSB ITCH

bk jimmy said...

I may stop by Whole Foods on the way home just to warm my cockles.

Astroluc said...

oh silly Specialized... haven't you ever heard the old saying? don't keep all your duck eggs in one bike basket

Stiveau said...

Snob, you are in fine form in this post. Please don't peak too early!

Isolation Helmet said...

Snob:

Thanks for summarizing the video so that I could avoid watching it myself.

They sound like devotees of the Food Network more than fixed gear cyclists.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

hillbilly said...

Yep, that was one ridiculous video, glad you highlighted (highlit?) the breathing, feeling, living part, by far the best.

and yes, +1 to what mikeweb said, rip....3 deaths to peds/cyclists that day...and the bus driver wasn't charged, not sure why he was reversing on delancey.

Jefe said...

I believe cockles are just very small male genitalia. The guys in the film appear to lack their own, so it was a smart purchase. Now they should go out and get some brakeles.

bk jimmy said...

Kale-

I don't quite follow you, but coincidentally my pervy uncle from Savannah always calls me Honey Buckets.

Anonymous said...

"I think sprouts are a great idea!"

So what do you think the chick roadies will be shopping for in their episode?

Shoemaker said...

Hopefull the next "webisode" will chronicle...

Hopefully the next "webisode" will chronicle...


sorry for being that guy

ant1 said...

"And I've ridden with people from Rapha."

that's the kind of funny i keep coming back for.

kale said...

bk jimmy-

Food poisoning, and the effects on the digestive system. Specifically barbecuing shellfish.

Stiveau said...

Then DON'T be that guy...
***
OK, the pizza looked awesome, and I liked the chef's comment about needing something in your water bottle.

Overall, the vid managed to ruin my three favorite things -- bikes, food and booze...

Also, notice them riding three abreast over the bridge, violating the yellow line and squeezing off the pedestrian?

Also, we have two counts of a reflector violation on the secret freewheeler

brant@shedfire said...

I think I love you.

Anonymous said...

Bike riders: I thought they reproduced via mitosis, like elephants.

Anonymous said...

Awful. But is it as awful as the Serrotta vanity bike?

Anonymous said...

kombucha is a fermented tea...turns out there's a kombucha culture.

Jefe-
'brakeles' is hilarious.

hillbilly said...

I thought it was time for the apocalypse, but is it just me, or is this whole thing just getting worse?

Strayhorn said...

So the kid is looking at the bag and thinking "cockles are trayf, how about Rapha?"

Unfortunately, Maimonides is silent on this subject.

Anonymous said...

some of those DFL guys drink kumbacha, so it's ok in my book.

ant1 said...

man, the dude in the capo sweatshirt looks a lot like me. it almost makes me ashamed, and it makes me wonder why people don't make movies about me. i'm as uninteresting as the next guy.

Anonymous said...

living, breathing, gagging on my own vomit.

hilarious post.

Mr. Organical said...

Awww, such a sweet film. Let's all hug.

And by sweet I mean picante wool with a twist of sweaty chamois.

calitexican said...

"I've never, ever heard anybody say the phrase, 'Let's get some kombucha, it may be good for the ride:' " -- clearly you haven't ridden enough in califas. come out to the burrito coast.

ant1 said...

here's the recipe for the world's best pizza, which a buddy and I curated while working at a mellow mushroom situated right next to a whole foods (it's eerie how that video seems to be based on me):
pizza dough
thai peanut sauce
spinach
cheese
shrimp
bacon, in that order.
if you ever want to make your own, most pizza shops will sell you the dough for 2-3 bucks.

ervgopwr said...

Atrocious video; and that giant waffle never reappeared.

Sweet recipe Ant1!

kale said...

Nice pizza curation ant1.

Anonymous said...

I generally love the idea of a well produced film about bicycling. But this one as annoying me today. Why does anyone care to see a video of some guys riding to a grocery store and a flea market? People who commute by bike do that stuff all the time. But this video makes it feel like it's special because some urban hipsters are doing it. Whatever.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious,cynical and excellent post

JakeRyan said...

Snob, you owe me six minutes for having watched that webbie.

Anonymous said...

COCK LES(S)

Anonymous said...

You get better and better all the time. Please keep writing. The only laugh I get in the morning as I suffer at my desk.

Coastiedouche said...

Foodies on fixies...how Femmy.Can you get any more pretentious?

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Its sad when people are completely unaware of just how ridiculous they are.

And how come they got to bring their bikes into the brooklyn flea, since day one bikes with gears were not allowed in, oh.

LK said...

Why do all the "edgy" ideas look the same?

CommieCanuck said...

LOL..Whole foods...the Serotta of Grocers.

Anonymous said...

The webisode host, Chris Jaeckle sports the same kind of helmet strap as Chris Carmichael. Coincidence..

leroy said...

Is it just me or does anyone else think that "Let's get some kombucha, it may be good for the ride" is the new "All you haters, suck my balls"?

It just seems that "LGSKIMBGFTR" has a certain ring to it.

kale said...

I would love to see Specialized make one of these short films focused on riding Secteur Elite Triples from the Upper West to the Runcible Spoon. The cast would include paunchy financial analysts and project managers.

Coastidouche said...

I had to go back and actually watch the film.All that work for what one small slice of pretentous poseur pie? What did each tiny slice end up costing about ten bucks? Real bikers just go to any hole in the wall, eat a WHOLE pizza by themselves and ride it off in one day.I like the quote" watch the eggs!" Kind of like "watch the head" in the beginning of Spinal Tap.

Chas said...

Nice intro sentence...scarily true.

Anonymous said...

I sure wish you would offer more acerbic commentary on these lifestyle films. I could read them for days.

3G said...

AYHPMD!

All you haters poach my duck!

Anonymous said...

dude, you are fucking hilarious!

FixedgearFotoFreak said...

One of my fav posts in a while. Seasoned with the perfect blend of snobalishisness. Gave me a sarcasaspasm.

bikesgonewild said...

..."living, breathing, feeling, exploring"...jeezus...what a buncha cockle suckers...

...i used to think i was part of an exclusive club of like minded, hard ass & hard core, long mile bike riding men & women but nowadays it seems $800 bucks or whatever the fuck the pistadex is set at, a cheap digital video camera & "feelings, nothing more than feelings" (thank you, morris fucking albert !!!) & here we are...just one big happy dysfunctional cycling family...

...jeezus h krishna in a manger, swathed in overpriced rapha gear...if i didn't actually love this fucking sport, i'd have some serious fucking doubts...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

That video was so lame it was comical. Could it be a preview of a new generation of Specialized 'fixies' called the "Ironical?"

Gary said...

Hey Luke, if I am not horribly mistaken, I remember you from Intervista back in 96-97. I still recall you explaining that "it all takes care of itself" when someone inquired what happens with your "pants yabbies" when running Bay to Breakers naked. I certainly did not expect to see you featured (if being mildly mocked) on the Snob. Congrats! -Gary G.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

fry your potatoes in duck fat.
but no duck eggs on holy pizza.

Anonymous said...

All you haters shuck my cockles.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Coming soon:
Top Project Runway Chef- Fixie edition.
each week 14 androgynous skinny, broke, talentless egomaniacs must curate a bike, matching clothes, perform one of the three tricks they know and cook dishes using only chanterelle mushrooms and pbr, tell me you wouldn't watch it.

Billy Reid said...

ahhhh, comments reminded me of the Serotta vanity bike. Another night of washing my mind. I guess I could wash it with collabo whole foods/capo/special ed videos (which could start a vicious cycle of mind washing)

If that DB only knew that what makes a bike a "race bike" is racing it, which will never happen to that mess.

Test Tickle said...

"Fueling your ride with food from Whole Foods is about as cost-effective as fueling your car by spraying premium gasoline in the vicinity of the tank until enough finally trickles in to fill it."

Awesome! Now if I could only convince my girlfriend to think this way.

balls.

yogisurf said...

'Working' 'Thinking' 'Typing' Kramer’s vision of the make-it-yourself pizza restaurant has come to fruition. Don’t think I’d want to do a pizza collabo with this fixie, er…single speed cru though…I don’t like cockles in any food going in my mouth.

Christian Internal Organ Hug said...

First of all, I long for the days when looking for something smoked in the LES meant something else entirely, and secondly, when I first glanced at the shot of the silk route, I thought they were riding by a gaggle (a school? a club?) of penguins. That video sucks balls, and not in the good way.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I LOL'd!

flynn said...

I get my chamois butter from whole-foods. It comes form cockle-fed free range cows

Dr. Ewen Cameron said...

Mmmm...this is good that these young people are so easily led...and brain - err - mind washed...

kale said...

Feel like there's a good connection between the Whole Foods marketing of 'healthy food' and 'bicycle culture'. Is there an Urban Outfitters style collabo in the future?

I'm gonna go read some Adbusters from 2002 and dream about 'The Good 'ol Days'.

Anonymous said...

"All you haters, suck my cockles..."

- John Mackey

Stupid Name said...

"This Urban PEDALING series focuses on the city-centric and eco-conscious commuter, the hip fixie pedaler with his underground eateries,"

Seriously?
Bourdain with less attitude, and more pretense.

I sort of like the concept, but is this being funded with taxpayer money?

Most fixies consider cheetos and pbr gourmet food.
I feel I need to hate this, but don't. I feel so conflicted.
Please make it better.

Anonymous said...

Kara Goucher is hot!!!

Bike Lane said what it said...

I like the editing at 2:52, you get the Ben Hur moving truck passing them, then a van parked in the bike lane to a shot of the copycatting moving truck parked in the bike lane.

All that overlap really makes that edit smooth.

ant1 said...

anon 3:28, it's "KARA GOUCHER IS FUCKING HOT". the fucking is key here.

Stupid Name - how could something called blue ribbon not be gourmet? what if they went with a different languageway and called it pabst cordon bleu?

Johnny Sprocket said...

Wow.. I'd love to see the film, but I just redecorated the hallway and I have to go watch the paint dry.

rezado said...

After you my good man.

rezado said...

100th

Stupid Name said...

So that is why the call it Miller "High" Life.

You must be 21 to enter the PBR website.
www.pabst.com

I need help finding the 250.00 hot dog.

It all makes sense now .

Thanks ant.

honnybucket said...

I've had the exact same freaking thing happen upon trying to purchase some injun food at hole foods. I didn't even go through on a sale though. Had a small portion of chick peas & some chicken over rice, and it rang up at over $10, and so I took it back.

That "Gary G" at 2:42 wouldn't happen to be the great Gary Gnu would it? I've long wondered what had become of him.

honnybucket said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CommieCanuck said...

I just paid $14 for a carrot from Competitive Cyclist, the same carrot was on ProbikeKit for $1 with free shipping.

Balls.

grog said...

My booze r us had a sale and now my fridge contains four different Brooklyn brews. No cockles.

CommieCanuck said...

What? no one yet?
Ok I'll do it...

CommieCanuck said...

KOMB UCHA

CommieCanuck said...

Oh, this just in...

Head of French lab dead at 60
by VeloNews.com
World Anti-Doping Agency officials offered condolences Tuesday following the death of Jacques de Ceaurriz, who was widely regarded as a scientific pioneer in the fight against doping in sport.

In case you're wondering, ...he died of a heroine overdose.

bike locks said...

What Kambucha isn't the way to make a ride epic. I'm petitioning Rapha.

wishiwasmerckx said...

We call it "Whole Paycheck," which seems to be a better description of the place.

Anonymous said...

HERO INOD

Dadryan said...

Fuuuuuck that video sucked. Only made it to the cheese aisle then I had to stop it. If anyone is aspiring to gay out like these tools please go shoot your self already.

Sprocketboy said...

This was a great post, Mr. Snob. More of this quality, please, because we all prize regularity.

MD said...

Funniest I've read so far BS

Jamie said...

Future alien historians will watch this video and say, what the fuck? Just like everyone else who watched it.

Anonymous said...

C'mon, everybody knows kombucha is made from sweaty toe jam.

The whole "fermented fungus tea" thing is just a multisyllabic front to get gullible hipsters to swig stuff that's been wrung out of dirty socks.

(Go ahead, take a whiff of kombucha and tell me I'm wrong.)

And yes, BSNYC is the undisputed champion of the bodily-function punchline.

Anonymous said...

excellent post. fucking hilarious.

kfg said...

Kombucha, my Lord, kombucha
Kombucha, my Lord, kombucha
Kombucha, my Lord, kombucha

Everybody!

Ooooooh Looord, kombucha.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading this blog almost since its inception. Over the years, snob has leveled his criticism/sarcasm at a wide range of worthy targets, such as this Whole Foods/Specialized collabro, and many a time I've groaned aloud at the idiocy exposed here.
But even given the endless parade of pretentious hipsters, derivative tattoos, and over hyped industry gimmicks, the Serrotta Vanity Bike project highlighted in yesterday's column, was the worst thing I've read about here. It exemplifies all the worst aspects of the sport of cycling, and if I can extrapolate, all that is wrong with America.
That Charles Manatan guy should be proud.

ALgoat said...

good post, fuckin hilarious.
fuck it, CROS RULZ

wishiwasmerckx said...

So I finally decided on my knuck tat. Which do you like better?

DUCK ,EGG

or

DUCK !EGG

or

DUCK EGG!

Fred said...

Whole Foods is for poser-Freds. I grind my own chammy butter using soybeans from the bulk bin at the co-op.

I know most folk who ride a 'bent don't use chammy butter, but I suffer from excessive cockling.

velocodger said...

If that pizza were on the west coast it would be an epic burrito.

W. Weed said...

This is cool shit. When I was entering my comment I saw the graphic that said "Choose an identity". That sounds good.

I want to be Hugh Hefner.

Now when do I get all the pussy?

BISOUBISOU said...

Gerunds!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

So that's a cockle. I didn't know.

Are oysters the fixie of bivalves? Shuck and eat, tongue like living thing on your tongue, zen-like connection, etc. I don't care either way, really. I have derailleurs and all that. Gets the oysters home from the market faster. Also I don't need friends. More friends means fewer oysters.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Also, I am surprised that no one mentioned what visable is. Visible means that you can be seen. Visable means that you are worthy of being looked at. Sadly it can only be judged by the eye of the beholder, so it seldom works out as well as you intend it to. Thus the road to Hell is ridden by hipsters through the Lower East Side.

Furthermore, I meant to say "tongue-like."

Fodder said...

Snob- the best! Keep it up!

leroy said...

Maybe Mr. Stix meant "let's get some Sambuca, it may be good for the ride."

You hear that all the time.

Anonymous said...

in the wild wild west we only have school buses...both long and short
a real thrill is going one on one (rider and train) and one on one (fixie)with a train/locomotive

watching stage coach robberies while riding rollers focuses the minds eye

maria said...

whoa!!! 131st booo-yaa!!!

frilly said...

Coastidouche--

Cyclists, not bikers.

Daddo said...

past one in the morning...
after riding home at midnight from one of the most horrible days i ever had to work through (there was crying it was that bad), I read this and laughed my ass off.

Thanks man, I needed that

kerry said...

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...
Bilaves, clams and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

kerry said...

Girl roadies - well that wouldnt be so cute if they used me. Nothing like a tattooed, goth 41 year old woman, riding hell bent on a scratched up Sub , then puking up her sugar free gatoraide by the side of the road because chronic fatigue suddenly hit her immune system.
That glamorous for them? Ive got the yellow wristbands , but maybe they just would want pretty, perky chix who wear them for fashion...

kerry said...

I mean, wouldnt it be sexy watching me choke out half a litre of orange drink?

kerry said...

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...
Bilaves, clams and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

kerry said...

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...
Bilavea, clamds and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

kerry said...

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...
Bilavea, clamds and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

crocodile dundee said...

G'day,
I come from a small town in Australia you probably can't even find on the map. I found your web page after searching the web for "bike snob" after me dumb cousin called me one, just cause dad got me a flashy malvern star for christmas and he's only got a sucky repco special (suck eggs Kev ya tosser). Mum cooked us pizza once but it just a frozen ham and pineapple from the grocery store but it tasted pretty good. those guys look like a bunch of wankers to me. if they ever came riding through town me and kev would get all crocodile dundee on their pansy arses.

Paul Bowen said...

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The first golden quotable of the new decade (spare me, pedants)!

Great post Snobbers.

Yanagiba said...

Pro Tips:

1. If you call yourself a chef and choose whole foods over the many local markets in NYC. You fail.

2. Don't ride lame bikes.

3. Stop sucking.

Stupid Name said...

Wow, feel the hate.

Some people really hate serotta douche and cockles douchies.

Remember the canadian douche that said "it's all about the top tube."
or "three speed fixie"

Now those are guys to hate on.

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That video is AWESOME! That is so my lifestyle image! I need those brands!

By the way, I just thought I'd let y'all know I just found this way cool new piece for riding with baggy pants (I know, who does these days, but sometimes ya gotta go with the tweed!). It's a super technical highly elastic polymeric material from South America (dude, not that material from SA!), it's green too, I think they grow it on volcanos cuz they call it 'vulcanized'. Plus they come in all sorts of colorways. I got mine at King Kog for $10 each.

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So you picked "W.Weed".
Put down the bong.

CommieCanuck said...

Remember the canadian douche that said "it's all about the top tube."

That's not my quote, my quote is "Remember to align your valve stems before you ride".

That's some other Canadian douche, probably French.

CommieCanuck said...

..and I come here for the hate.

kfg said...

"Some people really hate serotta douche"

I remember when Ben could be found at the counter writing repair tickets for for Royce Unions with flat tires. Back then he built nice little racing frames, for people who actually raced them and shit, all by hisself - for a couplahunert and change.

He went bankrupt.

Last time I went looking for him to repair a frame mod he'd done for me, he was off doing some CEO type shit.

I guess the douche market has paid off for him.

"three speed fixie"

You got a problem with that?

TRB said...

Ugh. That video makes me think of only one thing: don't buy their shit; boycott them!

enretard said...

You are usually entertaining at least, but this one sets you high on the pantheon of cycle blogging Gods. Fucking hilarious and a step up. Well done.

ant1 said...

hey i used to palp a royce union. my first mtn bike. sweet shimano biospace rings, 21! gears, green paint. rode that bike for 10 years without ever having a problem. then it got stolen.

Anonymous said...

Are cockles just Manilla clams? They cost about $3/lbs at the Chinese market around the corner... and, unlike Whole Paycheck, are still alive (note ice in W-P shot). While no doubt great on pizza or in a burrito, they're the perfect no-brainer dinner: just through in a pot with an inch of water, beer, butter and some green onion. Steam. Even easier than making ramen noodles... unless one eats said noodles straight from the bag.

Anonymous said...

11:52-

Sounds like the same place I got my pet turtle.

Happy hour?

Daddo said...

"Remember to align your valve stems before you ride."

Ha! I rode with a guy ONCE who held us up before a ride looking for a floor pump because, "the air in these tires is about 27 hours old".

I think the Brits say "Wanker" and the Yanks say "Tool"

kfg said...

Where does the Wanking Tool get his air? I can't find anything less than about 4 1/2 billion years old; and it turns out the bits it's made from are NOS 20 billion years if it's a day.

CERN must be moonlighting.

Anonymous said...

Tall guy looks like retard Phil from Duke's Racing in Toronto. :-)

mattd said...

that was terrible, i knew these people existed but that video was extremely troubling to watch. what drives people to be like this and how did they lose their self-awareness???

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Martyn said...

Absolute genius as usual snobby, brilliant. You have a very good eye for corporate shenanigans and defo give this lame bullshit advertainment the contempt it deserves. 159th!

Anonymous said...

These fixie-food-connoisseurs are supposed to be in the first of a series of informative bike vids(according to Specialized). Lessons to be given on flat repairs, rules of the road etc...

The basics for my bike rides, with friends on the west coast, have always been:

1. road bike, helmet, water, spare (or you are not invited)
2. planned loop of at least 40 miles(close to 5 miles of friendly warm-up)
3. midway point for refueling on longer rides(55+). Consisting of coffee, bagels, smoothies, or muffins.

Cockles and bacon pizza? Street clothing and fixed gear bikes? What a fucking joke. This vid was food snobs that commute by ridiculous fixed-geared-bikes in traffic.

Miles ridden? Riding tips? No, just raising the bar for 'food and beer snobbishness', for all trust-fund-hipsters. (Seems like such a small and worthless audience to target, save their actual ability to buy things at whole foods, cappo, competitive cyclist, rapha, etc..)

DistrictXII said...

HOLE FÜDS

Mark said...

I rarely laugh out loud on the internet, but you sir made me LOL. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Gotta love the diminutive pizza man and the crappy pizza they make, all burned and shit.

Anonymous said...

Wankers is too tame a word for these twats. They deserve a good kicking.

Anonymous said...

How about them matching helmets???

Anonymous said...

Whole Foods is about as cost-effective as fueling your car by spraying premium gasoline in the vicinity of the tank until enough finally trickles in to fill it.

No truer words have been brought together describing perfectly what should be common sense understanding

Anonymous said...

Some things are just so awful they are funny. This is so awful it is just, well, awful.

Judi said...

HI!! How are you? Happy New year and all that.

Just read about your post on DC and clicked on the link to your blog (haven't read in a long time though dominic still reads).

i had just watched the video on DC and then came over to read your commentary! Fucking hilarious! What a bunch of douche bags w/ a CAPITOL D. i had to turn the video off after about 45 seconds, it was too awful to hear them talk)

and the hasidic jews are a trip, right?

thanks for a good laugh. cockles. it's gonna be a new word around here for sure.

PCLA said...

ITTET, curating a meal at Whole Foods is beyond bourgeois, it's like a big FU to the lower classes. I curate my meals from the "under a buck" fast food menu; at least until the stimulus (economic kombucha) kicks in.

Here's a more realistic documentary of hip young people eating within their means: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrs_q3eKTCg

Anonymous said...

Talk about rich! You can't make that stuff up!

.....waitaminute....somebody did!

Anonymous said...

the end of the post is hiliarious. "farting" "cramping" lol

bikewhorder said...

I read this while waiting for my plane to board and laughed so hard i must have sounded like i was crying. This must be why the terrorists hate us for our freedoms.

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