Thursday, January 28, 2010

The State of Affairs: Sniffing the Winds of Change

As the week goes on I continue to wallow in the misfortunes of others due to my unenviable role as "curator" of The Great Meh BSNYC Free Scat Contest!. It's not all tears and misery, though, and I've also learned quite a bit about the world beyond New York City and even the United States. For example, as we saw yesterday, in Australia kangaroos like to topple cyclists and then kick them in the "'nads." Also, in Canada, people are strange yet altruistic. I've heard from one young Canadian who wants the Scattante for his father so that he will not buy the recumbent he's been eyeballing. I've also heard from another whose "stable" consists of two recumbent bikes, one recumbent trike, and a p-far, and who regularly travels to Cuba where he leaves bags of bicycle components on the streets for the locals like some sort of Sheldon Brown/Santa Claus hybrid.

I will admit though that I found myself lamenting that nobody had sent me a video submission--that is until I received one from perhaps the most prolific cycling videographer working today. This is a man whose video output singlehandedly exceeds that of the entire fixed-gear freestyle movement. I am referring of course to the Opinionated Cyclist:



This enigmatic figure is one of the few in cycling whose very participation has the power to completely alter the character of an event. Just as Lance Armstrong brought international attention to the humble Leadville 100, the Opinionated Cyclist will almost certainly transform TGMBSNYCFSC from just another mail-order bike giveaway into the most fiercely-contested mail-order bike giveaway cycledom has ever seen. And the similarities do not end there. When Armstrong returned to competition, he made clear that he was doing so in part to promote his LiveStrong foundation. Similarly, the OC isn't in it just for the free "biek;" he's also championing his new web endeavor, "I Wanna Be A Rockstar"--the LiveStrong of aspiring rock performer advocacy groups.

Of course, if you're familiar with the OC, you know his videos are a bit like Serotta headtubes in that, while they're painstakingly crafted, they do tend to run a little long. So if you're pressed for time I will point out that should he win the OC has a few requests with regard to the bike:

--He would like it to be delivered by Lance Armstrong;
--He would like it to be equipped with air free tires;
--He would like it to be equipped with an "Airzound;"
--He would like it to be equipped with a rack;
--He would like it to be equipped with a high-powered light complete with spare battery.

Obviously supplying these things falls beyond my purview as a contest curator, but in the event that the OC does win I will be sure to pass all of these requests along to Performance.

Moving on, as most people are aware, last night President Barack Obama delivered his first State of the Union address. If you're a citizen of another country such as France, Germany, or California and you're unfamiliar with the State of the Union address, it's basically a big speech during which the President tells everybody what's wrong and what he's going to do about it while the Supreme Court justices sit there and try not to smile. The State of the Union address is a hugely important event in the United States, second only to new product announcements from Apple.

Since self-evaluation seems to be in the air at the moment (at least I think that's what I'm smelling, though I did just microwave some cockles), I think it's worthwhile to turn our attention to the state of our own union--that of cycling. For example, I recently received this press release from powerful Dutch bike lobby pedestrian, cyclist, and public transportation advocacy group Transportation Alternatives:

This is in response to the recent announcement that traffic fatalities fell to an all-time low in 2009, though the number of pedestrian fatalities did increase from 2008. This is excellent news, unless of course you're a pedestrian, which really all of us are, unless you ride your bike on the sidewalk. I'd certainly agree that even one traffic death is too many, but I'm not sure that "epidemiological expertise" is the most effective way to address the problem--at least until someone develops some sort of stupidity vaccine. Really, the only way to inoculate people against idiocy is by educating them, but it's only so effective, especially when the prevailing view among cyclists is still that they can do no wrong. Last night I watched a black-clad Nü-Fred on a lightless black bicycle of the "my first fixie" variety salmon up a busy street, leap onto the sidewalk to cut out the light, and buzz a couple of pedestrians in the process. If there was such a thing as an actual stupidity vaccine I would prescribe a shot of it right in his ass; pending that, however, I think a foot would suffice.

Conversely, sometimes doing everything right is still not enough. You may have heard about a recent incident in Miami, in which a cyclist was killed while out on his morning ride by an intoxicated aspiring pop musician:

And which prompted a 2,500 person memorial ride:


Christophe Le Canne Memorial Ride from Mike Marshall on Vimeo.

Meanwhile, in New Zealand, you may not be prone to kangaroo attacks like you are in Australia, but that doesn't mean you can't get strangled in a road rage incident:

Apparently, that very same day a local businessman apologized for saying online that he wanted to 'nail" cyclists with his Hummer. Of course, it's always possible that people overreacted to his comments. Perhaps he only meant "nail" and "hummer" in the sexual sense, and not in the vehicular hitting sense.

Speaking of backpedaling and tragedy, I just watched the latest episode of "Pedaling," entitled "Cheers for Beers." Interestingly, the "Fixie Crew" is indeed back, but since one of the members was caught coasting in the infamous "cockles" episode they've now been downgraded to the "single-speed crew:"

I'll spare you the details since if you're anything like me you're still reeling from the arrest of the Saffron King, but I will say that this installment does find them riding around in circles fenderless in the rain. This proves too much for one of the members, and by the end of the episode the "single-speed crew" is reduced to two people, which I'm not sure really qualifies as a crew. At this rate, I guess if they make another episode it will feature the "single-speed pair," and by the end only a single rider will be left, crying to himself in Whole Foods next to the tapenade. I don't want to spoil the surprise by revealing which rider doesn't make it, but here's a hint: he subscribes to the Chris Carmichael helmet-adjusting system.

You may be tempted at this point to declare the State of the Cycling Union tragic with an undercurrent of extreme dorkiness. However, there is hope. Followers of the burgeoning fixed-gear freestyle movement recently held a gathering in Wisconsin called "Midwest Mayhem." Subsequently, the online world has been ablaze with videos and images of what will surely go down as the Woodstock of the fitted cap set:

MIDWEST MAYHEM!!! from Seth Root on Vimeo.

Sure, the music is a hundred times more tedious than anything you'll hear while watching "Pedaling," and sure BMXers do better tricks in their apartments, but it's the irrepressible exuberance of the movement and the vast marketing possibilities that count. Also, the fixed-gear freestylers' preference for wide bars could finally end the stubby dildo-bar craze, though at least one rider at "Midwest Mayhem" was keeping it real...short:


Yes, cycling has a long way to go, but we do have a union, and it is strong. Hopefully, we can all take advantage of that strength, and use it against unicyclists, who seem to think they can ride their goofy novelty crotch-casters wherever they please. Here's one I spotted yesterday evening as he executed a perfect salmon-to-sidewalk transition and rode right into Tomkins Square Park:

I must admit that I found myself hoping for a hawk attack. As far as what I was doing loitering on a corner near Tompkins Square Park, let's just say I had to see a guy about some "saffron."

87 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

First?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ha, ha, bitches!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sweep?

Chris said...

podium ?

thegock said...

DRAT

Anonymous said...

Fixie Crew Assemble!

Fingerbang Assistant said...

top ten?

jj said...

oh yeah?

Anonymous said...

TOP TEN!!

Bad Lawyer said...

Huh?

Anonymous said...

10

Sprocketboy said...

Top 20, and feeling like the Saffron King!

ringcycles said...

Can't seem to crack the top 10 right now. Damn winter weight.

rezado said...

HI-REZ

thegock said...

Oh sweet day, my first podium. All those hours in spin class, riding in the wind rain and snow and in the basement on the trainer pay off. I would like to thank my mother, my pharmicist, my dealer and my pimp for their support and fervent belief in my abilities. Finally, I would like to thank snobbie without this third place finish would not have been possible. Chapeau!

Anonymous said...

scat me

grog said...

i don't want to be a rockstar. what's wrong with me?

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! Commie Cannuck/Opinionated Cyclist separated at birth?

Bad Lawyer said...

Listening to OC was nearly as excruciating as the hairy vagina ball video--without the slight recompense of seeing naked girls palp bicycles, "Bike Snob!"

hillbilly said...

whoa! WISH I WAS WIWM!!!!!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

oh man, that freestyle video is painful.

Bobbo said...

I couldn't get through the OC video, no notch on my belt

mikeweb said...

WIWM doesn't have to wish any longer. He IS the podium!

I noticed in the single-gear crew viddy, that the guy who didn't make it to the Brooklyn brewery was referred to as a "Momma's boy". I hope the crew's next video goes down WWE Smackdown style.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Does NYC really have a Department of Health and Mental Hygiene? And they let you microwave a bivalve?

mikeweb said...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure playing that OC video 7/24 in a terrorists cell at high volume would be considered torture by the U.N.

youaretheengine said...

Midwest Meh-hem? Is that what you mean?

Fritz said...

Would have to be restrained to a chair Clockwork Orange style with those eye clamps to be able to viddy that OC video...painful

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

I think you should only post OC vids on wednesdays, I can't watch ten seconds of him without wednesday niceness, and i do believe him when he insist he's as fast as george, who isn't? he falls, you pass him, done deal.

This union needs to shift to a parliamentary system like canada, canada is awesome and fast.

If I send the scattante crothers bike to haiti, can I win?

rezado said...

SAFFRON WEDNESDAY

mander said...

The apartment BMXing was thoroughly impressive.

ringcycles said...

Perhaps the "Fixie Trio" (cum duo) should stick to bowling and beer drinking. They are more talented at that than riding bikes. Maybe Brunswick needs a hipster marketing campaign. Dear God I hope so.

g said...

Proud to say my OC video cherry is still intact. I have nothing better to do in my life than watch that train wreck and yet, I cannot.

edom bin necker said...

nuthin much to say today just wondering were jolene ran of to

i think shes pist becos i make her were them burlap sacks over her head all day

JTK said...

"oh woe is me... I have a free bike to give away but the entries are bumming me out"
you meh'd your bed...

T. Horton said...

Top Canadian! And I made it into the top 40. Jeez. Must be because I'm in the states now.

Thomas said...

Torch the saffron and celebrate! Top 40! Up next on our countdown...

Anonymous said...

There is also an epic burrito hut on Cashmere Dyers Pass Road (CDPR). It should be re-named Epic Burrito Hut Road (EBHR).

STRN GLED

Anonymous said...

skiribiribi-ponponran-pon
skiribiribi-ponponran-pon

I'm the Scat man!

skiribiribi-ponponran-pon
skiribiribi-ponponran-pon

I'm the Scat man
Where's my Scat, man?

Mark Hooton said...

I think the winner of TGMBSNYCFSC should be someone who sat threw the entire OC video. Only then could you truly be worthy of the bike. I alas, am not. You could ask how many times the OC said bike snob in his video to validate any entrant who says they watched the entire 10 minutes and 57 seconds or ramblings.
Keep up the good work, thanks for the blog.

flynn said...

i find all of these videos intolerable

Anonymous said...

dildo bars are good for riding with handcuffs

Anonymous said...

Wizard's Sleeve

With powers from the dark side, Wizards Sleeve makes every ride magical. Give in to his devices and you will be in safe red, rubbery hands. True story: Spinning along on a sunny Saturday ride, pickup truck approaching from the rear, driver wearing a cowboy hat, Wyoming license plate… Wizard Sleeves casts a spell causing the driver to actually yield to the cyclist and not blast his truck horn as he passed. True Magical powers!
http://bar-barianz.com/?file=kop2.php

Thomas said...

Snobby you're killing me! How can you reference an Aussie being kicked in the "nad's" and miss out on a chance to link to the most epic hair removal product known to man?

www.nads.com

AYHSMHB

All You Haters Suck My Hairless Balls

edom bin necker said...

hey snob one other thing

i was back at the pubic hellth department at hazard and they tolt me that the stuff you took to clear up that rash on your pecker might gives you real bad dire rear

drop me aline and ill tell you how to get rid of it but i dont want to talk about yor hellth issues to much or you might get embarrassed and deny th hole thing

Nogocyclist said...

I have a simple question. I watched the video of Midwest Meh-Hem and noticed almost everyone fell off their bikes after doing their tricks. I want to know just how many falls theds was in that video?

I would go back and count them for myself, but there is no way I could watch that video over again.

yogisurf said...

That looked like a nice rear wheel on the ghost bike.

Anonymous said...

I had to check out OC based on the comments here. Wow, just wow. I think there are meds for that - whatever that is. I hope Snobbie stays out of South Carolina because this guy seems more than a little taken with him. If this guy can put together the money, I am guessing the first thing on his list is a plane ticket to NYC to track down and bore poor BSNYC to death.

Anonymous said...

So was that Prolly with the dildo handlebars in the Midwest Mayhem video?

sentral dogma said...

Lookee here

http://www.airfreetires.com/shopping/p-843-700-x-23c-mythos-70-unobtainia-622.aspx

sentral dogma said...

"woven from outer-worldly Vectrose absent the burden of gravity"

yours for the low low price of $180

g said...

@329,
I sent there and can't seem to figure out why the hell I had to put the make and model biek I ride and they still got the tire options wrong. Seems like I just might know what I need and then I look it up. I sincerely hate overly complicated websites that ultimately fail to accomplish the simplest tasks.

g said...

Sorry, that was for sentral dogma, not anon 329. See, I fucked it up. Oh the self loathing and slight irony.

ervgopwr said...

Wow, OC is 42 yrs old.

Stupid Name said...

OC is opinionated, the problem is that he has nothing to say, certainly nothing worth hearing.

Anonymous said...

what is the meaning of the Flaming Lips soundtrack in the memorial ride video? I didn't see any nudity.

Anonymous said...

Good day, sun shines!
There have been times of troubles when I didn't know about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person.
I have never imagined that there weren't any need in large initial investment.
Now, I feel good, I begin to get real income.
It's all about how to select a correct companion who utilizes your funds in a right way - that is incorporate it in real deals, and shares the profit with me.

You may ask, if there are such firms? I have to answer the truth, YES, there are. Please be informed of one of them:
http://theinvestblog.com [url=http://theinvestblog.com]Online Investment Blog[/url]

Gordus said...

Ya'll think OC's mom and dad are also his aunt and uncle? YeeHaw!!

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Tex said...

It's kind of funny that when I watched the BMX tricksters in the living room, I had to pause it so Vimeo could load it up. Then when I watched the Midwest Mayhem, Vimeo had no trouble keeping up. Only watched about half of it, though. That sound track started making me wish I'd kept watching OC's wonderfully pointless ramble instead.

João Faustino said...

full beard: three months of pestering itch

plaid shirt: $4.99 at Caldors

skinny jeans: free (check your sister's closet)

rocking out at Midwest Mayhem pulling the sames tricks my 10-year-old neighbor is nailing in his driveway on a 16-inch BMX: PRICELESS

BTW, is that John Prolly in the red plaid @2:50... yeah, yeah it is, you can see him rocking the pink fork later on in the video.

PANTS said...

That midwest mayhem is the worst skate video I've ever seen. They may as well hold that event at the same time as the 10 year old kids on razor scooters.
The scooter kids would actually land there tricks though. Fixed gear freestylers are officially the fruit booters (roller bladers) of the BMX world.

SE13 said...

OC looks like Bob Dylan dragged backwards through a time machine!!

Anonymous said...

-let's just say I had to see a guy about some "saffron."
bravo.

Thomas said...

Am I the only one who hears OC saying that he needs a hot beef injection at around 03:56?

Anonymous said...

well i puffed the first j in a very long time and it occurred to me that OC is the snob. yes, its been a shocking revelation to me as well. some sort of insane, blasphemous, horror has descended upon us. it's truly the end times. i won't stop listening to 'redemption song' and eating ......welleverything. til it happens. but really, how clever. bastard.

Anonymous said...

yep. watch it again knowing its the snob.

greg oden said...

68th!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

fist!

Anonymous said...

that lady in the "just kidding" photo is hot!

cyclotourist said...

Mental Hygiene... WTF???

gregoryyy said...

WHAT in the hell.....

I am not about to play the video with that trippy looking muppet.10:57 ?? Just look at those eyes.Not sure if I am scared or angry.Larry King em ,

Send him a Globe while your at it.

PCLA said...

Why is California considered another country? I thought that only Texas and Alaska were seceding. No more burritos for you!

Soft and Douchey said...

I actually find the OC to be quite interesting and thought-provoking. Don't hate on his intellect just because you can't comprehend!

DONT HATE

OPIN CYCL

NEED MEDS

D. Cheney said...

The OC's videos have been a great addition to our Enhanced Interrogation arsenal. Waterboarding is soo 2008!

jolene said...

i thnk i fell fer the thing when this guy in the hat in the video came to viper and killed some hookers and puttem in his trunk and then sold them to the messicans down at the lowes fer ferterlizer for miss fraklins rose garten if u know waht i mean

by the way i hat my roadmaster stolen by this other methhead at he took the lock too can i have a bike etherwise i dont get to get have to walk to get my terkela

John Witter said...

You know, I was just almost coming around to the whole concept of fixed gear freestyle, but after that video? Yeah, I still think it's fucking gay.

kiramatali shah said...

How To Make money with affiliate programs Today. Affiliate marketing is the easier and probably the most effective method to make money from the internet. It is basically, a kind of selling technique where potential buyers from your website are directed to the websites of sellers. For every click, the website owner gets a small commission.
www.onlineuniversalwork.com

Prashant said...

My friend made the living room bmx video, that we posted on our local bmx site we run...Probably the best party all winter. Someone tried to flair one of the ramps and put a hole in the cieling.
pretty shocked to find it made it's way to bikesnob...thanks for the kind words, those that made them.
Pretty much a video of bmxers riding at a stand still and doing A trick would be more entertaining than those fixed gear freestyle videos.

Anonymous said...

FARQ... not only did I waste almost 11 minutes of my life (again) watching (another) OC video... I had to throw up in my mouth a little when he asked you for a "hot beef injection".

BSNYC/RPMG... you friggin' OWE me that bike now!!! General Tso's is good the first time you taste it, not the second time.

OC... 8 bikes? Guess what, you have 7 now. Yes, that's the penalty you pay for making me eat dinner twice.

airshoes said...

I like your blog. Thank you. They are really great .
Some new style Puma Cat shoes is in fashion this year.
The Nike Air Shoes is a best Air Shoes .
Red Shox is good and Cheap Nike Shoes.
If you are a fans of Puma basket,we would offer the good and Cheap Puma Shoes for you .the nike shox torchis best christmas gift now.
Running Shoes
Nike Shox R4
Nike Air Force Ones
Speed Cat
The information age is really convenient .

Anonymous said...

коттедж
восстановление зрения
зеленый лазер
электрошокер

ibrahim said...

Sesli sohbet Sesli chat
Seslisohbet Seslichat
Sesli sohbet siteleri Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli Chat
Sohbet Sesli siteler
Sohbet siteleri Chat siteleri
Sohbet merkezi chat merkezi
Sesli merkezi sesli Sohbet merkezi
Sesli chat merkezi Sohbetmerkezi
Sesli Sohbet Sesli Chat
SesliSohbet Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli sohbet siteleri SesliChat
Sesli Sesli siteler
Seslimuhabbet sesli muhabbet
sesli sohbet sesli chat siteleri
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslisohbet seslichat
seslikent sesli kent
sesli sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli chat sesli chat siteleri
seslisohbet seslichat

Anonymous said...

коттедж
восстановление зрения
зеленый лазер
электрошокер

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi