The State of Affairs: Sniffing the Winds of Change

As the week goes on I continue to wallow in the misfortunes of others due to my unenviable role as "curator" of The Great Meh BSNYC Free Scat Contest!. It's not all tears and misery, though, and I've also learned quite a bit about the world beyond New York City and even the United States. For example, as we saw yesterday, in Australia kangaroos like to topple cyclists and then kick them in the "'nads." Also, in Canada, people are strange yet altruistic. I've heard from one young Canadian who wants the Scattante for his father so that he will not buy the recumbent he's been eyeballing. I've also heard from another whose "stable" consists of two recumbent bikes, one recumbent trike, and a p-far, and who regularly travels to Cuba where he leaves bags of bicycle components on the streets for the locals like some sort of Sheldon Brown/Santa Claus hybrid.

I will admit though that I found myself lamenting that nobody had sent me a video submission--that is until I received one from perhaps the most prolific cycling videographer working today. This is a man whose video output singlehandedly exceeds that of the entire fixed-gear freestyle movement. I am referring of course to the Opinionated Cyclist:



This enigmatic figure is one of the few in cycling whose very participation has the power to completely alter the character of an event. Just as Lance Armstrong brought international attention to the humble Leadville 100, the Opinionated Cyclist will almost certainly transform TGMBSNYCFSC from just another mail-order bike giveaway into the most fiercely-contested mail-order bike giveaway cycledom has ever seen. And the similarities do not end there. When Armstrong returned to competition, he made clear that he was doing so in part to promote his LiveStrong foundation. Similarly, the OC isn't in it just for the free "biek;" he's also championing his new web endeavor, "I Wanna Be A Rockstar"--the LiveStrong of aspiring rock performer advocacy groups.

Of course, if you're familiar with the OC, you know his videos are a bit like Serotta headtubes in that, while they're painstakingly crafted, they do tend to run a little long. So if you're pressed for time I will point out that should he win the OC has a few requests with regard to the bike:

--He would like it to be delivered by Lance Armstrong;

--He would like it to be equipped with air free tires;

--He would like it to be equipped with an "Airzound;"

--He would like it to be equipped with a rack;

--He would like it to be equipped with a high-powered light complete with spare battery.

Obviously supplying these things falls beyond my purview as a contest curator, but in the event that the OC does win I will be sure to pass all of these requests along to Performance.

Moving on, as most people are aware, last night President Barack Obama delivered his first State of the Union address. If you're a citizen of another country such as France, Germany, or California and you're unfamiliar with the State of the Union address, it's basically a big speech during which the President tells everybody what's wrong and what he's going to do about it while the Supreme Court justices sit there and try not to smile. The State of the Union address is a hugely important event in the United States, second only to new product announcements from Apple.

Since self-evaluation seems to be in the air at the moment (at least I think that's what I'm smelling, though I did just microwave some cockles), I think it's worthwhile to turn our attention to the state of our own union--that of cycling. For example, I recently received this press release from powerful Dutch bike lobby pedestrian, cyclist, and public transportation advocacy group Transportation Alternatives:

This is in response to the recent announcement that traffic fatalities fell to an all-time low in 2009, though the number of pedestrian fatalities did increase from 2008. This is excellent news, unless of course you're a pedestrian, which really all of us are, unless you ride your bike on the sidewalk. I'd certainly agree that even one traffic death is too many, but I'm not sure that "epidemiological expertise" is the most effective way to address the problem--at least until someone develops some sort of stupidity vaccine. Really, the only way to inoculate people against idiocy is by educating them, but it's only so effective, especially when the prevailing view among cyclists is still that they can do no wrong. Last night I watched a black-clad Nü-Fred on a lightless black bicycle of the "my first fixie" variety salmon up a busy street, leap onto the sidewalk to cut out the light, and buzz a couple of pedestrians in the process. If there was such a thing as an actual stupidity vaccine I would prescribe a shot of it right in his ass; pending that, however, I think a foot would suffice.

Conversely, sometimes doing everything right is still not enough. You may have heard about a recent incident in Miami, in which a cyclist was killed while out on his morning ride by an intoxicated aspiring pop musician:

And which prompted a 2,500 person memorial ride:

Christophe Le Canne Memorial Ride from Mike Marshall on Vimeo.

Meanwhile, in New Zealand, you may not be prone to kangaroo attacks like you are in Australia, but that doesn't mean you can't get strangled in a road rage incident:

Apparently, that very same day a local businessman apologized for saying online that he wanted to 'nail" cyclists with his Hummer. Of course, it's always possible that people overreacted to his comments. Perhaps he only meant "nail" and "hummer" in the sexual sense, and not in the vehicular hitting sense.

Speaking of backpedaling and tragedy, I just watched the latest episode of "Pedaling," entitled "Cheers for Beers." Interestingly, the "Fixie Crew" is indeed back, but since one of the members was caught coasting in the infamous "cockles" episode they've now been downgraded to the "single-speed crew:"

I'll spare you the details since if you're anything like me you're still reeling from the arrest of the Saffron King, but I will say that this installment does find them riding around in circles fenderless in the rain. This proves too much for one of the members, and by the end of the episode the "single-speed crew" is reduced to two people, which I'm not sure really qualifies as a crew. At this rate, I guess if they make another episode it will feature the "single-speed pair," and by the end only a single rider will be left, crying to himself in Whole Foods next to the tapenade. I don't want to spoil the surprise by revealing which rider doesn't make it, but here's a hint: he subscribes to the Chris Carmichael helmet-adjusting system.

You may be tempted at this point to declare the State of the Cycling Union tragic with an undercurrent of extreme dorkiness. However, there is hope. Followers of the burgeoning fixed-gear freestyle movement recently held a gathering in Wisconsin called "Midwest Mayhem." Subsequently, the online world has been ablaze with videos and images of what will surely go down as the Woodstock of the fitted cap set:

MIDWEST MAYHEM!!! from Seth Root on Vimeo.

Sure, the music is a hundred times more tedious than anything you'll hear while watching "Pedaling," and sure BMXers do better tricks in their apartments, but it's the irrepressible exuberance of the movement and the vast marketing possibilities that count. Also, the fixed-gear freestylers' preference for wide bars could finally end the stubby dildo-bar craze, though at least one rider at "Midwest Mayhem" was keeping it real...short:

Yes, cycling has a long way to go, but we do have a union, and it is strong. Hopefully, we can all take advantage of that strength, and use it against unicyclists, who seem to think they can ride their goofy novelty crotch-casters wherever they please. Here's one I spotted yesterday evening as he executed a perfect salmon-to-sidewalk transition and rode right into Tomkins Square Park:

I must admit that I found myself hoping for a hawk attack. As far as what I was doing loitering on a corner near Tompkins Square Park, let's just say I had to see a guy about some "saffron."