Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"I'm Your Mama," Quoth Necessity to Invention

Since yesterday's post, I must admit that I have been troubled by the plight of the Milwaukee bicycle poloists who were zip-tied like so many hydraulic brake cables and forced to spend a grueling 11 hours in jail (or, if you're old-timey, the "jernt") for simply plying their "sport" in a city parking garage. Tossing and turning, I spent a sleepless night as I imagined them malletless and scared, forced for a stretch of time slightly longer than a typical workday to share living quarters with drug dealers, prostitutes, and other criminals it's cool and fun to interact with until that interaction is no longer voluntary. Indeed, so gripping is the tale of their imprisonment that it has spread beyond the "bike culture" and even been covered by Fox News:



Still, as troubled as I am, I still can't get past the issue at the heart of this whole controversy, which is neatly summed up by the reporter thusly: "The team plays polo on bikes and needs a large, flat surface to play during the wintertime."

Do they really? Why can't the bike polo simply yield to the seasons like so many other recreational pursuits? I enjoy offroad riding and would like to be able to do it whenever I feel like it, but if weather conditions simply don't allow it that doesn't mean I'm justified in "slaying" a ride through a neighbor's yard or the nursery and gardening department at Home Depot.

The fact is that this arrest could be a good thing for the Milwaukee poloists in that it may serve as the impetus to find a legal indoor practice venue--or, failing that, encourage them to engage in other activities during the "off season" or when conditions are not favorable to bike polo. This is precisely how cyclocross was invented--bike racers needed a way to train in winter, and eventually a new sport was born. Varying your activities seasonally can not only make you a more complete athlete but can also be fun.

I should stress that I mean no disrespect to the poloists--I just don't want to see them fall victim to the same fate as the modern roadie. The roadie, too, refuses to adapt his behavior to the seasons. Rather than engaging in other types of cycling during the winter months, he instead either suffers out in the wind on a road bike when he could be enjoying himself in the woods on a mountain bike, or else sequesters himself inside where he obsesses over meaningless things like wattage or derailleur pulley drag:



This is called "cabin fever." One day you're compulsively spinning derailleur pulleys, and the next you're talking to a volleyball and roasting and eating your housepets.

Speaking of "cabin fever," even the most flexible and open-minded cyclist can fall victim to it when either severe weather or ill health conspires against riding, and while you might manage to avoid twiddling your derailleur or eating Fluffy you might still find yourself watching cycling-themed videos like "Pedaling: NYC." (You may recall the premier episode, a cockle-fueld romp entitled "Pizza Fixation.") Perhaps slightly cabin-addled myself, I recently noticed that the second episode had been released, and it's called "Roadies and Wafels."

I should say right off that "Roadies and Wafels" does not approach "Pizza Fixation" in terms of sheer outlandishness, so you shouldn't expect much. Instead of focusing on a group of urban dandies with little or no apparent cycling experience, this episode abandons the "fixie crew" and follows a pair of bike racers, and instead of opening with a Whole Foods shopping spree it begins with an only mildly silly gratuitous bike-fitting:

Riding a Specialized bicycle that has not been properly fitted to you by a trained dealer with the aid of a computer can lead to diminished pedaling efficiency, serious groin injury, and death.

Once fitted to their props, they hit some gratuitous pavé:

Please note that these are professional riders on a closed course. Attempting to ride on cobblestones without a properly-fitted Zertz-equipped Specialized bicycle can result in shattered teeth, serious groin injury, and death.

They then proceed to ride around the city, though unlike the "fixie crew" these racers exchange little dialogue apart from this diplomatic exchange:


"Do they still do the bike races in Central Park every Sunday morning?"

"I think so, yeah."

Though guarded due to the presence of the camera, any New York City bike racer knows what they really mean:

"Do those CRCA investment banker dorks still run the park?"

"Sadly, yes."

Then, there's the first taste of excitement when the filmmakers debut a new, never-before-seen verb:


After which the racers arrive at the waffle--or "wafel"--truck:

The wafelmeister, though affable, is not especially noteworthy, though he does have an exuberant waffle-proffering accomplice:


Then there's a waffle-making lesson:

And then that's pretty much it. As I said, it's a bit disappointing after the exploits of the "fixie crew," though there is a hint of promise during the credits when we catch a glimpse of this guy:

The heavy beard/heavy fleece/bare leg combo speaks of tremendous eating prowess, and I look forward to seeing what food item--and how much of it--he will consume. (He's also got a rear rack and pannier in the unlikely event that there are any leftovers.) Hopefully, this will tide me over until Episode 4, which (according to the episode guide) will see the triumphant return of the "fixie crew" after their near-fatal bout with cockle-borne food poisoning:

In the meantime, I gotta get out more.

118 comments:

mikeweb said...

yeah suckas!!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Jefe said...

Podium

Chris said...

Wrong break

Anonymous said...

all the bike culture one gets

Anonymous said...

Top 10?

Don said...

Wow... I'm either good or need to work harder

Anonymous said...

WAFL EATR

hillbilly said...

Mikeweb and ant1!!!!!!!! good on ya both!

wafel truck accomplice is an incredibly nice guy.

rezado said...

hi-rez

samh said...

Welcome back from the sicknesses, Snob. Your lively, well-balanced rant to education ratio has regained it's vitality!

Anonymous said...

Top 11

Anonymous said...

Man you guys are fast.

Anonymous said...

meh

Cav Not said...

Hoping for the best...

Anonymous said...

Excellent yet again, Snob! Glad you have come back from your sickness in top form.

Dave said...

Mmmm waffles. Or should I says wafels.

Much better than cockles and less likely to cause illness

mikeweb said...

I need to check out the Wafel truck. I do highly recommend the Schnitzle truck though.

to bad the 'fixie crew' didn't find any cobbles, they could've called the webisode "Cobbles to Cockles". That has a nice ring, if not an unpleasant visual, to it.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Bicycle Habitat. They have ripped off thousands of people...

I stopped going there years ago after I overheard a mechanic tell a customer, "New York is hard on bikes. You really need a new bike about every year".

Bad Lawyer said...

No doubt about it, Snob, jail time improved my street cred'!

Bad Lawyer said...

Great post, today. Congrats to Mike Web, ant1 and Jefe.

Isolation Helmet said...

The curators of the video series should have known that combining roadies and food is a disaster. Did you actually see either of them actually eat a waffle? Maybe they should have stopped by the farmers market for some lettuce instead.

Jefe said...

"Should I be stretched out a bit more?"

Snob, a hot looking woman says that and you focus on the waffles? I think you are still under the weather.

ANGEL OF DEATH said...

all you commenters suck my balls.

big time.

trike said...

yo isolation helmet -they shoulda stooped 4 celery and wieghed it first

Anonymous Coward said...

ooh!

"Big Time"

BIGTIMEZ

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

ervgopwr said...

Even though the food featured was more tasty the webisode still made me sick.

bl(m)eh.

Cracknfail said...

Not as douchey as the previous vid and that bacon wafel is as good as it looks ,i had one last week.

Coastiedouch said...

I agee BSNYC. I think the fixie douches should designate a time of the year, prefferably about 4 months max for a bike polo season.In order to prevent burnout and eventual collapse of the fixie scene.Pre season training would involve expensive cockle pizza cross town expeditions, One part of the pre season would be resting up at the local coffee shop to pose.Another part of the season should be focusing on track standing prefferably at home in driveway so you can really display your hard earned skills at the traffic intersection since no self respecting douche would touch down w a foot during the duration of a red light.Tthe final step in training would be to practice doing freestyle moves in a town center to maximize full gawker attention.

brian c said...

fixie douches? most of the MKE polo players use freewheels. swing and a miss.

and snob:

"Milwaukee bicycle poloists who were zip-tied like so many hydraulic brake cables and.."

you really make a zip tie reference in a polo post, and relate it to securing hydraulic disc brakes? come on dude. wheel covers. get with it.

grog said...

That's not bacon, it's pan-fried beaked sea snake. That's not maple syrup either.

PhilboydStunge said...

Snobbie, you act all young and hip but you're really a skeptical old grouch, aren't you? That's what I like about you (today anyway).

Yeah, back in my day we didn't have fancy store bought mallets and balls like these sissy kids today; if we wanted to play bike polo in the winter we had to find a flamingo that hadn't flown south for a mallet and a groundhog that wasn't hibernating for a ball and then we had to invent our own bicycles. Not like kids today who have everything handed to them.

Surly Bastard said...

So funny. Glad to see you have fully recovered from your illness with all your snob-senses fully intact.

Anonymous said...

Prostitution is illegal in NYC?
or why are sex workers jailed with trespassers?

Thomas said...

Top 40! Take that, Kasey Kasem!

CommieCanuck said...

if we wanted to play bike polo in the winter we had to find a flamingo that hadn't flown south for a mallet and a groundhog that wasn't hibernating for a ball and then we had to invent our own bicycles. Not like kids today who have everything handed to them

Oh, at least you had flamingos and groundhogs and bicycles. We would have to painfully stretch out our arms down to our ankles and use a piece of frozen dung as a ball, instead of bikes, we used Irish kids.

You can tell this to kids today, they'll never believe you.

kale said...

I'm in the mood for some Chiken and Wafels. Anybody know of a good Karelian Šöl Füd joint in the 5 boroughs?

Test Tickle said...

fixie douches? most of the MKE polo players use freewheels. swing and a miss.

coming from someone who obviously spends most of his days trolling this page instead of riding a bike, your opinion doesn't really hold much validity.

just sayin' and polo'n.

. said...

Dude this is cute and all but what about Haiti. You've got to at least mention something about that place. It's your job as a writer. If not I challenege you to a duel. I bicycle joust on tall bikes. Loser (or survivor)has to listen to Spirit's Twelve Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus on loop for four hours straight. Or a guest post will do.

-AnOutfitForEverySeason

Test Tickle said...

That's not bacon, it's pan-fried beaked sea snake. That's not maple syrup either.

coming from someone who obviously spends most of his days trolling this page instead of eating waffles, your opinion doesn't really hold much validity.

just sayin'

CommieCanuck said...

come on dude. wheel covers. get with it.

Psst.

















No one cares.

We're just here to laugh at you, not with you.

tom said...

Why can't they just play Bicycle Polo Cross, aka BPX?

kale said...

They never arrested roller-hockey players.

Just sayin'...

adamrice said...

It is an odd coincidence that the cyclists are visiting the "wafel" truck. As everyone knows, the Eskimos have 37 words for snow. As not everyone knows, the Belgians have 19 words for mud, and as with the Eskimonian snowcabulary, each of these indicates a slightly different consistency, color, or circumstance of mud.

"Wafel" means "the slick mud that forms at the edge of a cobbled road after the 3:00 PM rain shower."

sufferist said...

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole...he did clever stuff too...so leave the Milwaukee 11 alone or I'm gonna have a freak out on YouTube, the likes of which could only be compared to the classic

ant1 said...

"instead of bikes, we used Irish kids"

golden.

ant1 said...

TT "coming from someone who obviously spends most of his days trolling this page instead of riding a bike, your opinion doesn't really hold much validity."

i think we have ourselves a new catch phrase.

frilly said...

Cobblestones...check
Properly-fitted Zertz-equipped Specialized bicycle...check

Chew on that suckas! Me & Tommecke baby!

Yes I know Quikstep's no longer riding Specialized however StL does have a lot of cobblestones. And besides that a girl can dream, can't she?

ant1 said...

frilly - don't mean to burst your bubble, but tommecaine is into underage girls.

Cycle Jerk said...

Wow Fox news, that IS a big story.

frilly said...

Any guy who can fill out a pair of cycling shorts like that can be forgiven a few transgressions.

hillbilly said...

cfswosmohdttpiorabyodrhmv

ant1 said...

that seems to be the consensus, at least among the female fans.

ant1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
flynn said...

anyone else get a boner during the fitting?

Salty Seattle said...

As I twiddle my derailleur,.. oh wait. Sorry.

I have to give it to the MKE 11 for trying. Their neighbors in the Milwaukee Curling Club haven't grown the cajones to even attempt their sport in a street setting yet.

That's something I would love to see: rogue, outdoor curling. And it's cousin, summer street curling. Volleyball and Baseball made the jump decades ago.

Besides, can you imagine the jailtime conversations: "So, what are you in here for?"

ant1 said...

would summer curling be similar to skipping stones?

kale said...

I think 'summer curling' is called bocci ball.

kale said...

u might know it as 'Patanque'

Anonymous said...

Right. Shop rat is giving a fitting session to Meredith Miller who's been a professional women's racer for something like 10 years. "huh, back comfortable" "not too stretched out" Miller looks at him like he's the kind of poop she spits out when she crushes the local boys on the climbs.

ant1 said...

it's petanque, with an e. great fucking game.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to see Mr. DeGeest make some "dinges." Although I think he should have called the place "Wafels en Dingetjes," but maybe he thought people would get confused. (dinges = things whereas dingetjes = thingies). Also, I have to agree with Isolation Helmet: those roadies, particularly the woman in white, have no intention of eating a wafel or a dinge. Or a dingetje.

esau bin necker said...

does wimen riding fixies on cobblestones gets organisms?

sspeier said...

that nu-chill techno with the deep thumping in these videos is REALLY AWFUL

Mr. Fire Fox said...

I stopped by the Fire Truck on my way to Central Park today, and I asked for some lessons on making a fire, preferably in my apartment (heat's been a bit balky lately.) Those guys have zip-ties too! Handy - and by handy, I mean I am still trying to get the marks off my wrists.

Anonymous said...

that video sucks, although I agree not as much as the prior one. I wonder what audience they are producing these things for and for what purpose? they make me want to give up both biking and eating and for that matter "breathing" and "living".

Anonymous said...

That bacon wafel is awesome! The wafle making cyclist girl is none other than Meridith Miller - current US road champion, Silver medal national CXer and soon to be competitor at CX Worlds. She is our local cycling hero here in Fort Collins, CO. She's super cool. (She's married. Sorry)

Anonymous said...

WWYLOYW

(What would you like on your wafel?)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Palenque? I LOVE Mayan archeology.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I think the quote from the Pedaling website offers some foreshadowing as to the topic of the bebearded cyclist's episode:

"Their adventures will bring us... backdoor visits [from] prominent local chefs...deep in Brooklyn."

Stupid Name said...

Am I missing something?
It is Milwaukee in the winter, which does last for 6 months. It is an empty parking garage.
The Milwaukee police are in complete right to give these guys tickets, but they are the biggest douche-bags that cycling has seen.

Count me in for helping pay their court costs. Finger-bang a cop tomorrow.

Stupid Name said...

I meant the cops are douche bags, the polo players are great. I need to go back to english sentence structure class.

Seems like a gross waste of Milwaukee tax-payer money.

Banger said...

It could be worse. I used to think the half roadies who were staying in shape for cross country skiing were bad. Have you ever seen a roller-skier? Truely hideous.

Anonymous said...

since armstrong made a huge discovery = nutella
my waffles do not waffle

esau bin necker said...

if i was a babe having the nose of the saddle bouncing up and down against my twat would make me as wet as that landis fellers dew rag.

i guess if you cranked it up and then pulled an elephant trunk stop you could a real good organism

yogisurf said...

Wow, it looks like in the 4th epic episode, cyclists go to a fake dive bar, meet the brew master, drink a lot of beer, ride drunk until they head home for waffles with cockles. After stopping for a bio break at a Starbucks, that it.

Anonymous said...

commie cannuck is not funny. nor will he ever be. give it up commie. sigh.

ken e. said...

"comedy is hard, but a good waffle is harder. unless it's filled with fruit and custard" three words, chocolate banana waffle!!! patisserrie lebeau, closed until jan. 22 for reno's.

leroy said...

Anon 10:03 PM --

1. Go to Youtube, search for "leave Britney alone."

2. Watch video and every time you hear "Britney," think Commie Canuck.

3. After that, plug "Find Chuck Norris" into Google search and every time you see "Chuck Norris" think Commie Canuck.

4. Now thank your lucky stars you received this warning before you pissed off the man wanted in three provinces for organizing a water polo league using real ponies. The Toronto YMCA still hasn't gotten its pool filters clean.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Snobbles has a finely honed rapier wit, but he is a gentleman and uses it only on the deserving blackguards who cross his path.

Commie is highly skilled with those metric nunchucks and should be treated with respect.

Most of the rest of us have to make do with chain whips, frame pumps, the occasional Crescent wrench or even monkey turds. Whatever comes to hand.

Flash said...

Vee must pick the female riders for their, ah, sexual attributes, proficiency of breeding, and their insatiable appetite for wafels, yes?
MEIN FUHRER!

Anonymous said...

Just testing to recognize if your say discuss fuctinon works, abundance doesnt!

Anonymous said...

Yet there are things even more hostile to cycling than Milwaukee legislation.

ant1 said...

anon 7:12 - that thing is awesome. unfortunately, it would interfere with flying car traffic.

The Douche said...

Time for Bike Polo to organize more.
Yep, the cost will rise, insurance may be required, and spontaneity and using others property for one's own aims may cease.

Growing pains. But as they are doing well gaining popularity and holding championships, it may be time.

If the lack of an outlaw taint decreases the popularity of the sport, well... that's too bad.

They can always keep on holding such matches (and will) but they just won't be sanctioned.

Certainly some covered parking lot (or garage or something) owner can be found and paid with member dues.

The new skateboarding can follow the path of the old skateboarding.

Fearful said...

Anon 7:12 and Ant1:

"...not only transportation but an experience" unfortunatlely it would interfere with my strong sense of self preservation and nightmarish fear of falling from high places while clipped in my bike.

Anonymous said...

din't that 'heavy eater' guy make a brief appearance in the first vid too?

Anonymous said...

some people cant afford expensive pulleys.

it's ok to run a pulley that doesnt spin well.

BTW, from a story you ran a while ago; I thought Power Cranks was old. People have been running that for at least a year if not a little more.

CommieCanuck said...

After that, plug "Find Chuck Norris" into Google search and every time you see "Chuck Norris" think Commie Canuck.

When I ride, I don't move, my wheels turn the Earth.

CommieCanuck said...

Yet there are things even more hostile to cycling than Milwaukee legislation.

One less flying car.

The possibilities are endless, including three dimensional salmoning.

kfg said...

The Douche: You are describing the growing pains of bike polo - a century ago. What we're dealing with here is "hardcourt," the cycling equivalent of stickball.

Not also that fixie freestylers are often shocked and stunned to discover that artistic cyclists have been doing their "rad" tricks in a formalized setting for more than a century.

When we were about five years old we all went through a stage when we thought we were the world's expert on shoe tying.

Well, except for the people who never get beyond being world experts at velcro. Those poor bastards have no future of course and must pass their lives as tri dorks.

CommieCanuck said...

Now thank your lucky stars you received this warning before you pissed off the man wanted in three provinces for organizing a water polo league using real ponies.

As God is my witness, I thought ponies cold hold their breath for more than three minutes. I tested thoroughly with "My Little Pony".

I've moved on to winter outdoor underwater hockey. Old school.

The YMCA pool is fine, the pony bits are gone, now it's just water, chlorine and homeless pee.

CommieCanuck said...

Not also that fixie freestylers are often shocked and stunned to discover that artistic cyclists have been doing their "rad" tricks in a formalized setting for more than a century.

I've been reading books about Major Taylor lately, as one gets written every 20 minutes...he was rockin' and rubbin' fixie tricks in 1898. Back then , they were called "safety bicycles". Ironic.

Read enough of these books about the late 1800s and you start using words like "bully" and accuse women riders of public masturbation.

kfg said...

I read Major Taylor's book about Major Taylor about forty years ago. I thought that about covered the subject and haven't kept up with the literature.

I will note [sic] however that both Major Taylor and Saint Henri Desgrange were known to ride frames with sloping top tube geometry. Don't tell the fixie kids or their brains are likely to explode from the cognitive dissonance.

". . .accuse women riders of public masturbation."

Personally I try to follow a policy of positively reinforcing desirable behavior.

Anonymous said...

Theses reviews are epic. Is this the new "Plan 9"? I bet most of the traffic to the video comes from Bike Snob.

Vladimir said...

In Soviet Russia, post removes YOU!!

Anonymous said...

So Snobby is sporting a wide screen Dell colorway with helper monkey Vito in the Brownstone?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wait for it...

wishiwasmerckx said...

And.......100th!

frilly said...

Dalmations!

Anonymous said...

CENTURY!!!!!

EAT IT!!!

Anonymous said...

my legs are so weak and powerless, that when coupled with my shriveled lungs, I have to get $200 pulleys to make it down the road.

Waco Personal Injury Lawyer said...

Love the post thanks for the effort.

joeMKE said...

Milwaukee polo players are not "fixie hipster douches" or what ever someone said earlier. none of those words apply here... 90% of the club fides freewheel but there a still a handful of amazing players that are riding brakeless fixed. Some of the MKE players arrested are sponsored by MKE Bicycle Co. and ride on the Bruiser that some of said players rode prototypes and helped to design. In fact, during my years playing polo in MKE and traveling around N America and Europe, I've found that the "fixie hipster douches" don't last to long playing polo, though they are attracted to it obviously, it's something that's too hard to be a poser of because you can't fake not sucking. that is one of the reasons MKE polo stays better than other cities, is because about only 1 in 10 noobs actually stay around long enough to get good.

and to snob, i've been playing polo consistently twice weekly since 05. we have used this structure, which is open to the public, huge, almost always empty, and actually part of a public park.. for the past 3 or 4 winters with no problems. there is no off season for polo, we just got harassed by some bored cops and a lazy lot attendant that was tired of emptying our trash can twice weekly when he would otherwise only have to empty once a month.

Wade said...

pedaling pathos. pure pathos. i barely could watch.

Anonymous said...

We shovel the court in MPLS.

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