Monday, July 6, 2009

Simplify: Less is Less

While we're only two stages and a prologue into the Tour de France, it saddens me to announce that I've already fallen way behind on my viewing like Tom Boonen fell back on stage one. With something like five hours of coverage a day on Versus I fail to see how it is possible to actually follow the Tour while still making time for other necessary activities such as working, eating, and even going to the bathroom. Really, you'd have to be unemployed and sitting on the couch wearing an adult diaper to watch it all.

Actually, I can now finally relate to Greg LeMond, who insists that as the EPO era began he was forced to watch lesser cyclists ride away from him. Similarly, I feel that it is now impossible to follow the Tour de France without chemical assistance, and so like Greg LeMond I'm going to make a sweeping accusation that anybody who can either follow or cover the Tour de France thoroughly is doing so with the aid of neuroenhancing drugs such as Adderall. Fithy dopers, all of them! Booze and Wednesday Weed is one thing, but Ritalin is something else. Frankly, I don't recognize the (coverage of the) sport anymore. These people have no conscience.

Still, there's always time for a short article designed to pick at scabs and inflame controversy, which is why I read this ESPN article:

"Particularly, particularly, particularly" monitoring the Tour rider who is arguably least likely to cheat is sort of like Mavic blaming a frame manufacturer for their shattered wheel. Actually, I think focussing excessively on a single rider like this may be a sign of neuroenhancer abuse. Meanwhile, I was interested to note that Armstrong himself is compiling the definitive list of Tour de France riders on Twitter. And since you don't need neuroenhancers to follow 140-character dispatches, I checked out a few of them. So far my favorite Tour de France Tweeter is Skil-Shimano rider Fumy Beppu, who Tweets in no less than three languages:

There really should be some kind of jersey for that, though given the truncated nature of Twitter it would probably be more of a triathlon crop top.

Another reason I find it difficult to follow the Tour de France closely is that there is so much cycling-related news and opinion closer to home. Furthermore, this news and opinion also has a much greater bearing on our lives as cyclists than the Tour de France does. Take for instance this New York Times op-ed, in which the author proposes the notion that Detroit could become "a new bicycle utopia:"

I was intrigued by the notion that Detroit may be making a play for Portland's status as America's cycling paradise. I'm sure many a Portlander will read this op-ed and scoff, but the truth is that it's all too easy to be undone by your own complacency. I would advise Portland to step up the frequency of its famous campy theme rides immediately. A quick glance at the headlines reveals that there's theme ride potential in many recent developments. For example, a Robert S. McNamara ride, an Obama visits Russia ride, or even a Kevin Jonas of the Jonas brothers engagement ride would be sure to bring Portland's cyclists out in droves, though I suppose these rides might conflict with their rigorous vegan Tour de France viewing party schedules.

Another interesting point raised in this op-ed is the idea that the collapse of the American auto industry is creating a void in some areas which the bicycle may be poised to fill. Regardless of how you feel about automobiles, it's hard to ignore the fact that the auto industry both here and abroad has "jumped the wolf" or "urinated on the turtle" in a number of ways. For example, as I was eating my usual breakfast of Korean Froot Loops this morning (I only eat overseas versions of American cereals--it's important to keep your diet rich in both iron and irony), a commercial for the new Mercedes E-Class came on the television. Since I'm not in the market for a German luxury car I wasn't really paying attention--that is until the announcer mentioned some feature which somehow senses when the driver is falling asleep and then wakes them up.

I wasn't sure I'd heard that right, so I went to my favorite source for all things automotive: Gaywheels.com. You can infer from that whatever you'd like, but the fact is that information knows no sexual orientation, and gay or straight you've got to acknowledge the expertise of Gaywheels contributor, Cocoa Efficient:

Actually, I'd never heard of Miss Cocoa Efficient before visiting Gaywheels.com, but I'm guessing she's the Brock Yates for people who prefer "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" to "The Cannonball Run" when it comes to their road movies.

Anyway, Gaywheels.com indeed confirms that the new Mercedes E-Class wakes you up when you start to nod off:
Yes, the E-Class actually "observes 70 different data points" to figure out if you're falling asleep. I'd love to know what those data points are. "Drooling? Check. Rapid Eye Movement? Check. Semi-erection? Check. Sound the alarm!" Hopefully all 70 datapoints must be satisfied before the alarm goes off, though, since I'm sure the average Mercedes owner will often either drool or exhibit a semi-erection when admiring his reflection in a storefront window while waiting at a red light, and a booming German voice shouting "Achtung!" (with accompanying video, since there's also a "visual" reminder) would be quite embarrassing. Also, it's interesting that the alarm also sounds when you text. I guess that means we've officially reached the point where texting is considered an involuntary activity and we can no longer be held responsible for doing it.

Now, I have nothing against cars. Actually, I like cars. They can be useful and fun. Unfortunately, the problem is that many people who operate cars don't realize they're operating machines, and this is because cars have become so coddling that operating one requires only slightly more effort than watching the Tour de France on your sofa in a state of semi-consciousness while wearing a pair of adult diapers. Yes, the roads are full of bloated vehicles driven by people who need interior microclimates and crow's nest vantage points and nine airbags and DVD players to distract their kids and 70-point monitoring systems to keep them awake. Meanwhile, some people think the answer is more efficient cars or alternative energy sources. I strongly disagree. The answer is legislation requiring that all cars have manual transmissions, no airbags, and carbeurated, air-cooled engines with no more than 1500cc displacement. That way, people would actually need to know how to drive, and they'd also have to pay attention to what they were doing. The ban on automatic transmissions alone would probably take roughly half the drivers in the United States off the road.

Meanwhile, I'm surprised that more automobile manufacturers have not attempted to harness the awesome power of bicycles to market their cars lately. Sure, you see bikes in car ads now and again, but it's nothing like the '90s, when the mountain bike was king and you could buy a Jetta that came with a Trek:


Frankly, I'm surprised we haven't seen this yet in the fixed-gear era. A Mini Cooper that comes with a Langster seems like an obvious sales gimmick.

On the other hand, the world of fashion is all over the cycling trend. A reader recently forwarded this coverage of the Louis Vuitton Spring 2010 collection, which indicates that bike messengers were a major source of inspiration:

Bicycle messengers everywhere are no doubt trying to decide which is more offensive: the implication that they are "over inked meth heads with bad hair," or the idea that they are "gentlemen butterflies." I'd wager that most messengers like to exist somewhere in the middle of this absurd spectrum, and that they prefer to think of themselves the way the media usually portrays them, which is as "outlaws" with fashion sense. In any case, while bike messengers may ostensibly have been the inspiration behind these clothes, it's pretty hard to see that here:

There's really nothing about this outfit that suggests the wearer delivers packages by bicycle. If anything, it looks like something you'd put on to review a convertible for Gaywheels.com.

Equally non-messengery is this look:

Though if I had to imagine him on a bicycle, it would be this hipster touring bike, forwarded by another reader:

To complete the handlebar clutter, he should install this on-board speaker system, forwarded by yet another reader:



Yes, sadly some cyclists like to take the auto industry approach and load their bikes with creature comforts. Thankfully, though, not everybody wants to be coddled, and some people still reject the "more is better approach:"


Well, at least as far as cars are concerned.

(Hopper's ride.)

100 comments:

ant1 said...

you'll just got columbia'd.

ant1 said...

hard

Anonymous said...

no I didn't read the post!

Anonymous said...

donkey

ant1 said...

where is everyone?

Anonymous said...

podium hog

Grand Dad Crunk said...

podium??

mikeweb said...

in there

Test Tickle said...

balls

mikeweb said...

ant1 firmly in the green jersey!

rezado said...

I went left when I was supposed to go right and caused a crash.

rezado said...

Fithy dopers. All of you.

hillbilly said...

Holy crap, I should drop out of this race, I suck, or "pull a cav"

hillbilly said...

and what's worse is that i shot myself up silly in preparation and still got smacked down, now i'm just left with all these damn goose bumps.

Anonymous said...

Tour de Doh!

Sprocketboy said...

It is a fine thing to think of bike messengers as "gentlemen butterflies." It is far more calming than the image of how the German car will punish you for not paying attention, something I thought was a prerequisite for getting your driver's license in many jurisdictions.

Other Side of the GW said...

Yes, it's a lot of coverage but it's probably partially because Lance is in the race again. However, the monotony does get broken up by the ED and Caddy commercials, which are truly becoming monotonous themselves. I find myself looking forward to the mispronunciations of rider's names that come out of Craig and Frankie. LEEPheimer and FarRAR? They can at least pretend that they follow the sport a little better than that.

agent detroit said...

detroit is also the center for innovation in new cycling diciplines
flickr.com/photos/agentdetroit/3692683248

Niggerball said...

Sweet balls.

hillbilly said...

won't the "winter" get in the way of the bicycle "paradise" in detroit?

agent detroit said...

seriously though, detroit is like alaska for bike salmon...

hillbilly said...

congrats ant1!

but, as one southerner to another, what's up with that spelling of yall?

mikeweb said...

in re That Mercedes 'anti-sleeping system':

There's always this for the great price of $19.95.

My guess is that the 'driver awareness system' option on the Mercedes costs a wee bit more than $19.95...

d. fofonov said...

Is crazy, only crazy. Babushka is calling me in fury proclaiming she is cancelling her subscription to Pravda because they are referring to Obama as lying deceitful con-man. She is telling me that Fox news and Mr. Limbaugh are buying Pravda which is only explanation for such anti-Obama sentiments.

I have no strong feeling of things of political nature but I am never dreaming that Pravda is becoming right wing news agency.

I persist in liking the sports columns and comic sections.

Surly Bastard said...

Congrats ant1 on the podium sweep! Looks like you've hit that sweet spot between OVER-TRAINED and OVER-RESTED.

Detroit the new cycling mecca? Wednesday Weed way early me-thinks. Anybody want to join me in a group ride down 8 mile on Friday night? Let's meet up in the parking lot of the Boobie-Hatch. Pack some heat.

ant1 said...

hillbilly - not sure. Brain fart, I guess. It's not easy to put 40 seconds on everyone AND to spell a non-word correclty.

sufferist said...

Yeah, Devil's Night in Detroit would make for a great themed ride. Everyone show up as your favorite arsonist. We gonna burn some sh*t down, yo!

kale said...

Why do companies insist on marketing cycling products associated with "NYC" in the yellow cab colorway. That's like trying to sell the "Bacon Explosion" as the official food of the Hasidim.
I'm guessing there's a big waiver that the Germans make you sign, absolving them of any wrongdoing in the event of a "snooze-related incident".

Torben Rohde said...

You misquoted the ESPN article. It says "Particularly, particularly, particularly".
Apparently merely using "Particularly, particularly" just wouldn't have gotten his message across :o)

Mongo Pusher said...

Van Hummel !

hillbilly said...

fair enough ant1, just bitter grapes. it's all i have to fall back on after the beatdown you delivered.

Anonymous said...

drivers are people
people are stupid
stupid drivers
ok, next topic

ben said...

surly bastard- I'm in

http://www.free-images.org.uk/military/home-guard-bicycle.jpg

any better holstering ideas? i'm working on an aerobar mount...

leroy said...

Wait, the TdF started?

Wow, I really am a little behind in my current events reading.

Thank you for not revealing the stage results.

Honestly, I've been so busy, I barely had time to bid for those Michael Jackson comeback tour tickets I snagged on E-bay last week.

That is going to be one awesome concert.

That reminds me, isn't somebody else doing some sort of European comeback tour?

Anonymous said...

Boonen's down with crabon fibre

yeah you know me

Surly Bastard said...

Ben: A Dutch City Bike with an UTTMThompson Machine Gun!!! You'll be taking more than your fair share of pulls on the Detroit rides.

About 50 seconds in this vid you'll see a guy that showed up at a MI 'cross race last year with two holstered Glocks. It hurt is remounts, but he was able to take down the three riders ahead of him at the line.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkSm4f-NapU

CommieCanuck said...

I would have won today's sprint, if not for my explosive diarrhea.
Ant1 is obviously doping with Imodium.

Gaywheels reviewed the Mercedes favorably, but do they really want to promote the kind of technology that prevents head bobbing action in the front seat of a car? I would think not.

The Trek-VW collabo was out of necessity, if you are going on a long trip with a VW Jetta, you'll need some reliable way of getting back home.

Adderall is great, now if Obama would only allow putting this stuff in the great lakes, maybe we'd have some hope.

CommieCanuck said...

Two xiguas and an unsliced commercial sized bologna.

Anonymous said...

commie,
ask big george hincapie aboot
'some reliable way of getting back home' eh?

Cyclin' Missy said...

I saw a bike this weekend equipped with bar ends equipped with horns - all held on with duct tape. I was so bummed that I didn't have my camera with me. It was like a silvery, snorting bull with knobby wheels and a cargo rack!

grog said...

so, snobby, are you saying palping a semi-erection is a bad thing? Woodn't this be an ironic proof of iron-rich irony? Perhaps like a silvery, snorting bull!

Anonymous said...

That ain't no sound system.

http://www.madeinqueensfilm.com/

RANTWICK said...

ant1 ! So nice to see such a regualr top ten finisher place no. 1, 2 and 3. The whole podium is yours, man. Couldn't happen to a more deserving insect.

lejon astray said...

Hey! I have a manual transmission 2 liter 4 cylinder ford ranger without airbags, headliner, horn, AC and with manual windows, and it still does not distract me from the voices in my head!

Besides I do not think I have 70 points of anything.

Anonymous said...

This just in!!! Story to follow shortly!!!

andy said...

http://www.tour-de-troit.org/

petergrasse said...

check out :http://www.velonews.com/photo/94181. This will replace hipster knuckle tattos!

kale said...

It all started going downhill when the number of airbags outnumbered the number of ashtrays.

Isolation Helmet said...

I understand that Mini has started a bike company (mini bike get it)so I figure that they will start selling cars with bikes soon.

Lance is king of Astana!

How long will is reign last?

red neckerson said...

if tom boonen had a sex drive would anyone around here give a fuck

samh said...

A worthwhile suggestion, Snob, "Yes, the roads are full of bloated vehicles driven by people who need interior microclimates and crow's nest vantage points and nine airbags and DVD players to distract their kids and 70-point monitoring systems to keep them awake. Meanwhile, some people think the answer is more efficient cars or alternative energy sources. I strongly disagree. The answer is legislation requiring that all cars have manual transmissions, no airbags, and carbeurated, air-cooled engines with no more than 150cc displacement. That way, people would actually need to know how to drive, and they'd also have to pay attention to what they were doing. The ban on automatic transmissions alone would probably take roughly half the drivers in the United States off the road."

honkybucket said...

Man, all those mountain bikes from the youtube clip were sportin' cutting edge and really quite innovative travel systems & suspension designs, including what appeared to be a dual crowned fork. And then Trek represented with their dull old rigid 830 (actually not sure exactly which model it was, but it definitely looked pretty lame by comparison.)

CommieCanuck said...

"The ban on automatic transmissions alone would probably take roughly half the drivers in the United States off the road"

93% of cars are automatic.

If you have a manual tranny, you can't:

Eat
Text message
phone
drink

Without getting fucked up in a crash.

If the law required manual transmissions, Darwinism would ensue, and no one wants to prove that Darwin was right.

It's easier to grasp an auto transmission and a little plastic Jesus.

Luck E. Seven said...

Proving the potency of transmogrified grunge.



A

rezado said...

I think that some of these comments should be limited to 140 characters.

sheesh.

Jack of all Trades said...

Snob, YSFW. The only person who can save the planet is Sir Clive Sinclair. His crows nest is higher than any other, his ability to find a bottomless pit of private and public funding, unsurpassed.

It's just to let him know how many wheel the future has, and the approximate size.

Fierce Panties said...

Ant1st

fuckin' awesome, you earned it baby.

Fierce Panties said...

I thought we called it watering the turtle.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad we're back on the tranny theme.

I went out on my "fully enclosed" yesterday, the feelings it gave me, and the looks I got made my blood pump.

Dr. Phil will HAVE to talk to my hubby.

Fierce Panties said...

Cyclin' Missy,

I glad to see that you're out of the big house. The FBI will never recognize you in that safety green vest. You're alias is safe here.

Fierce Panties said...

your alias that is...

Fierce Panties. said...

Nice hipster touring bike. Why the fuck are hipsters so afraid of racks and panniers. Just the name pannier should evoke enough irony and kitsch.

I love my rack!

Anonymous said...

if life gives you pannier, make saag paneer

bikesgonewild said...

...too busy riding my bike or watching le tour to comment extensively but knock it off w/ the talk about "adult diapers", please n' thank very fucking much...

...you're making me feel self conscious...at my age it's a requirement...nice of you to ask & yes, i prefer 'depends' (roomy but flexible) so just leave it the fuck alone...

...if only they didn't make my lycra riding shorts look like i'm smuggling potatoes...

...sheesh...just sayin'...

...oh, ya, btw...kick ass, cavendish...you are on it !!!...

Fierce Panties said...

I watched the entirety of the 04 tour. I was unemployed and also heavily medicated.

Concerning the absorbent undergarments, I only have one word.

Fierce!

urchin said...

Another right on about car safety. You echo the words of John Muir (not THAT one, but related):

"If safety equipment like seat belts, rubber baby bumpers, folding steering wheels had lowered the accident rate, I'd be for it but I feel it has increased accidents. If your car is properly maintained, with good brakes and steering, clean windshield, lights and wipers that work and all that, then your safety is a direct function of what you are--what you are being as you whistle down the road. If we all constantly drive as if we were strapped to the front of the car like Aztec sacrifices so we'd be the first thing hit, there would be a helluva lot less accidents."

Terwilliger Mephistopheles said...

I don't think it any coincidence that the first carticle on Gaywheels.com is about a Mini Cooper. Yeah, I said it!

Anonymous said...

Lance and team to face hefty fines!!!

Anonymous said...

BSNYC:

You are ahead of the game in some ways. (except it's been done before).

You are onto the Mini.

Alec Issigonis:

"I make my cars with such good brakes, such good steering, that if people get into a crash it´s their own fault"

Mavic...

brettok said...

No prologue in this year's Tour Snobby....

Anonymous said...

There's nothing to show for it. Hence no Prologe. It's an internal network warning. The team that comes first will be stealing money from the 2 place, as they will of course get ousted in 7 years time on some kind of trumped up charge. By that time current lawyers will have retired, died or moved their assets abroad.

BSNYC will go down in history as art.

Donovan said...

"The answer is legislation requiring that all cars have manual transmissions, no airbags, and carbeurated, air-cooled engines with no more than 1500cc displacement"

AHA! Your campaign to suggest everyone drive vintage Volkswagens is all to apparent, mein Herr.

Anonymous said...

http://carsnobnyc.blogspot.com/

Unknown said...

Snob - nice suggestion for safety. The Cartalk guys said something similar a couple of years (decades) ago during a rant about Volvo drivers.

That said, I can easily picture a slight twist on your suggestion: "The answer is legislation requiring that all bicycles have fixed-gear transmissions, no brakes, and sandal-wearing, tight-panted engines with no more than 30 ml/kg/min VO2 max. That way, people would actually need to know how to ride, and they'd also have to pay attention to what they were doing."

captain acronym said...

wouldn't it be nice if car manufacturer's came out with model names that really described the occupants.
Cadillac's new line would be the SAD (self-absorbed arrogant dipshit)
New from Hummer the GASP (got a small penis)
In honor of snob, GM is unveiling the WOOSIE (wasted overweight overweened schmuck irritates everyone)

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, you have let them in on our little secret. At our age, when people ask you, "Briefs or Boxers?", the answer is "Depends."

Luck E. Seven said...

Fierce P @ 5:40-

Knew there was a reason you're the cheese. I watched every minute of the 04 tour in exactly the same state.

Watching dopers ride on dope while on dope is the new dope.



A

Sam Goater said...

Great idea about outlawing auto transmission. Any idea where I can get adult diapers?

Fierce Panties said...

L.E.S.
damn youre good!

How did you know that I was in the state of Colorado? Were we neighbors?

bikesgonewild said...

...thank you, wishiwasmerckx...'laughed my depends covered ass off', fiercely...

..."hey you kids, get offa my lawn, dammit !!!"...sorry, now where was i ???...

...oh, ya, that's right...ah, bikefiendlytowns...i could send ya some but you prob'ly want new & unused, huh ???...

...just guessin'...

kale said...

Team time trial drinking game:

Take a pull of beer when the phrase "amazing effort" is said by an announcer.

Take a pull of beer when either "maillot jaune" or "yellow jersey" is mentioned.

Chug a beer when the RoadID commercial is played.

Any more suggestions?

grog said...

Depends? No, they're using nylon stockings filled with ice to keep cool. I like the idea of putting on women's undergarments and filling them with ice. Epic.

sufferist said...

Just in case your Arabic is rusty, here is a translation, with the help of our friends at Google:

I remembered the anniversary of an acute Tleda * glory in our hands Odanah

I turned to Islam in a country, you find * Ktair Mqsossa Jnahah

Srvatna by how we spend, we now * Imlkna people Mlknah

God behind the Council of the Arab Sea Roman * were here yesterday and today Tahoua

Removed Damascus mosque means rock * who built the rock may Inaah

Maunder drying parameters * each one of them has spoken Vagra preachers

God knows what changed their curriculum days * eyes water and the wrong way

You believe Amratksuh oil Brdth * Adam and the hut shelter

Kisra vibrate on his chair * difference from fear, and fear of Roman kings

Fabos, O Lord, we just praise us quite a number of * glory Odanah

sufferist said...

My fav:
Kisra vibrate on his chair * difference from fear, and fear of Roman king

Luck E. Seven said...

Fierce P-

Neighbors in an altered state, that is.



A

agent detroit said...

surly bastard - it's called booby TRAP. look for the billboard advertising c.c.w. classes by diamond.

sufferist - metromodemedia.com/blogs/posts/AaronKluza4069.aspx
i see you're well on your way with your pilgrimage to bike mecca, given detroit has the world's largest arabic population outside of the middle east...

Anonymous said...

"Any idea where I can get adult diapers?"

NASA

agent detroit said...

bsnyc/rtms - i see performance is purging their scattante empire state courier series for less than half their retail. way to go snob! you've got the midas touch!

hillbilly said...

can anyone say "sloppy seconds", this is wrong in so many ways:


ghincapieBen Stiller just came in our Bus to say hello and good luck. We are all fired up.

Anonymous said...

You're right. We Portlanders will use any excuse, including you, for a ride: https://lists.riseup.net/www/arc/shift/2009-07/msg00077.html. It's tonight!

Anonymous said...

Scratch that, the Portland BikeSnobNYC ride is Thursday.

Jake said...

Smart car and a Redline? http://www.donttrythisathome.org/uploaded_images/DSC_0659-712407.JPG They're both mine. Mock away, I am not ashamed...

aaronyourtires said...

The Volkswagen Tiguan comes with TWO red fixies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_viFrffstuE&feature=related
They are red because they are fast.

Anonymous said...

Everyone is welcome to come ride the 60-mile Sarah Palin Century.

dh, portland

Mcmadd said...

cavendish's salute made me laugh. cozy beehive had a funny version too. haha miscaller victory salute http://cozybeehive.blogspot.com/2007/12/lore-of-victory-salute.html

Anonymous said...

They had the Ford Focus Kona special addition 9 years ago. It came with a bike, roof rack and various other extras.

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