Friday, March 20, 2009

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

While I may have jumped the shark, I take some solace in the fact that I have not "jumped the wolf":


If you don't know what "jumping the wolf" is, it's when you take both cycling and yourself to a new plateau of idiocy. A reader forwarded me this link, and it proves once again that, for some people, a day on the bike is simply incomplete without also handling animal carcasses. These riders, however, have succeeded in making even the most absurd "fixter" antics look edifying in comparison. Probably the only thing worse than trying really hard to be a "hipster" is trying really hard to be a "hipster," missing completely, and instead landing somewhere between "frat boy" and "late-stage syphilis":



(Dead Animal Collective)


This is what nine people who are in the later stages of both syphilis and planning a move to Brooklyn look like. And here's their leader, who has assumed that position by dint of having the most voluminous tattoos and beard:



While he may not have knuckle tattoos, he does have a tattoo of knuckle tattoos, so he gets some points for irony. Still, while he cuts an impressive figure, he's less of an "alpha male" than he is an "alfalfa male".

WOLFJUMP Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Speaking of my shark jumping, I'd just like to reiterate that even though I am now a complete sell-out, I have no intention of changing or compromising this blog. (At least no more than it is already compromised by my own lack of ability.) That being said, my dark corporate overlords have insisted on two changes, and I have accepted in characteristically sniveling fashion.

Firstly, the phrase "All You Haters Suck My Balls" has been deemed too graphic, so when referencing it in the future I will instead say, "All You Haters Fondle My Balls." For some reason that seems to be OK with them.

Secondly, I have long observed a policy of applying a sepia tone to sexually suggestive photos in order to legitimize them:


(Original is here if you insist on seeing it in more lascivious hues.)

Well, going forward, my dark overlords have insisted that, in addition to the sepia, I place the lust-quashing visage of Larry King somewhere in the image as well:


I'm simultaneously happy and nauseous to oblige.

With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see this awesome skid.

Thanks for reading and ride safe this weekend,

--BSNYC/RTMS









1) What's the most likely explanation for this setup?

--The brakes are easily accessed during elephant trunk skids
--The rider is attempting to emulate the popular Reverse-Mounted Brake Lever (RMBL) style
--The rider flopped-and-chopped the bars without re-orienting the brake levers
--Bar slip



2) AYHFMB indeed! Where was this testicle relaxation station?

--The North American Handmade Bicycle Show
--The Oregon Manifest Handmade Bike Show
--The Taipei International Cycle Show
--A rest stop on last year's Bike New York Five Boro Bike Tour






- A Heavy set women who is able to ride a bike and comfortable in provocative wardrobe who is comfortable having profanities shouted at her
- A woman with a round face, small eyes, and upturned nose who is comfortable having profanities shouted out at her in a comedic scene

- A rail thin teen boy with bad skin, bad acne


3) The above are being sought for:

--A new fetish video
--Extra work in a forthcoming feature film
--A wealthy voyeur who is orchestrating his fantasy threesome
--A new "schluffing" video






4) According to its owner, this Pista is:

--"Completely stock"
--"Beat like Takeshi"
--"A great ministry to proclaim the Word of God!"
--"Laterally stiff and vertically complacent"


5) Lip tattoos are the new knuckle tattoos:

--True
--False



6) According to Cyclingnews, those hoping for "Porsche acceleration at Honda pricing" are going to be pleased with the Specialized Tarmac Expert:

--True
--False


7) According to PezCycling News, the $1,200 Topolino CX 2.0 wheelset is:

--"Astoundingly overpriced"
--"Aesthetically dispeasing"
--"Difficult to service"
--"Techno-blingalicious"


***Special optional extra-credit essay question***




A rider's bike setup and clothing choice can sometimes tell a story. This rider has made some unusual choices. What story might these choices tell?

101 comments:

Anonymous said...

bla

Anonymous said...

bla

Anonymous said...

bla

Anonymous said...

ha ha my work here is done!

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

AYHCSMB bla!

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is way up high. Guess I'm a podium woosie.

Anonymous said...

Jump THIS!

Wrench Monkey said...

Absolute best I could do w/o camping on the refresh button.

Anonymous said...

Top 10, maybe?

Anonymous said...

WOOT1st

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Wrench Monkey said...

Oh jeez, I forgot that all us kewl guyz decided not to blog race today to show our feelings about our mainstreamin' hero.

Astroluc said...

top 20... I can live with that

Doug said...

Awesome!

Anonymous said...

As a Colombian citizen AND an admirer of architecture, I hereby apologize for that last guy's outfit (you'll notice his country of origin and occupation are listed on his skinsuit)

Slappy said...

That he's gay?

Bill said...

excuse me maam, but you've got a little larry king on your chest.

Ka_Jun said...

I, for one, welcome the dark new Rodale corporate overlords!

Anonymous said...

that he's an idiot, and perhaps gay.

also, I just remembered and confirmed (thank you wikipedia) that the name listed is of a Colombian president from the 20's. I'm confused. Sweet sneakers though.

libertyonbikes! said...

one set of clip on aero bars away
from becoming a tri-athlete...

flaco said...

wow, i don't approve of violence, but i want to go kick the living shit out of those douchi! are they really moving to bklyn? hope so, i will be waiting. oh, but they like you

TIME SUCKERS

Bike Snob NYC
Cinelli
Commencal
Drunk Cyclist
How To Avoid The Bummer Life
Voodoo

kale said...

Snob, that skid video wasn't much of a punishment.

I'm really confused today's post, along with your news yesterday is making me feel like I'm on Htrae. Also the snow today then sun tomorrow... and the self portrait of yourself as an essay question.

What's this world coming to?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, it is a huge risk to combine Larry King and a nipple slip in the same photo. If you ever post an actual Larry King nipple slip, I swear I will never visit this blog again.

Anonymous said...

fuck the fuckin bike club aint even a fuckin wolf fuckin coyote and lastly fuck

streepo said...

Hey!! You damn kids get off my lawn!!!

libertyonbikes! said...

anon 1:51
thank you for the well phrased wit.
your parents and teachers must be
proud. think you were done BEFORE
you started....

Anonymous said...

Forget knuckle tattoos, what's with all the fixters and the fucking Grizzy Adam's beards?

thefutureofamerica said...

Shit, I don't think I wanna get into any more crits with wolf-jumpers... The Tuesday Night World's aren't safe anymore.

thefutureofamerica said...

Oh, and All You Haters Suck My Balls.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wow, where to begin. This is obviously a Columbian drug lord. He does get style points for posing in front of the very bridge silkscreened onto his skinsuit, although the Team Astana balloons adjacent to him remain unexplained. He has selected the "tandem helmet," that is, one large enough for two heads. He has also added a 10,000 candlepower helmet-mounted spotlight for those poorly-lit rural Columbian roads. The volleyball shoes are displaying unexpected versatility doubling as cycling shoes. Thus a nod to Nike. The skinsuit obviuosly cost considerably more than the schrader-valved steed he is astride. Finally, his sunglasses are under his helmet straps, but I am not going to tell him the error of his ways. I don't want a Columbian necktie.

WheelDancer said...

Well first of all, I didn't know K-Mart even had a team but they could have supplied them with something above their entry level bike. In the unlikely event anyone wants to be on the K-Mart team, this rider is adding insult to prevent anyone from joining the team by underscoring that he is more fascinated with food than sense.

Show of hands now, who wants to eat sandwiches that were stuffed in your shoes during the first part of a cross race?

shmaltz herring said...

The skin-tight aerodynamic clothing on that guy is to make up for drag created by the knobby front tire, the dangling driver's license holster, the kick stand and that massive flood light mounted on his head. Also, for extra credit, I propose that by displaying the name of a conservative Colombian general and politician on his jersey, he seeks to rebel against the ubiquitous Che iconography that no doubt dominates his beloved San Francisco.

streepo said...

Bill said...

excuse me maam, but you've got a little larry king on your chest.


You gotta wonder how many times that has been said before.

Anonymous said...

Snob, on a related note-

Are you going to save some of your "street cred" and title your column in Buycycling "AYHSMB".

Anonymous said...

You're kind of burying the lead with question #4. I mean, isn't the fact that someone turned their bike into a Jesus Mobile worth hating on just a little bit more?

Anonymous said...

I think, given that there's a bridge in the background *and* on his skinsuit, that he's just about to out-jumptheshark BSNYC. From a bridge. Literally.


Oh and fixter beards? Well, after enough of us girls snickered at their emasculating ultra tight pants, they decided to try to make themselves look more like men. Once again failing sadly.

ZiP said...

"Beat like Takeshi"

haha, sh*t, nice reference -- i need to take notes regarding the wit around here.

Doug said...

If the owner of the Jesus themed fixie was a true believer he wouldn't be running a front brake.

Luck E. said...

Fail. Damn intuition...


That's Gabe Kaplan!


A

SD said...

Anon 2:40-

It's burying the LEDE.

Dammit

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,

Signs that you're not a hipster but rather a punk kid with too much money who's spent too much time copying bikes from fixedgeargallery.

1. You rock/run/rub Deep V Velocity rims (any colour, I don't care if they're the "rare colour").
2. You think Deep V's are lame so you picked up an Aerospoke instead (you know who you are...same comment about the colour).
3. You have Oury grips
4. You tell people the saddle is only temporary until you get your Brook saddle.
5. You gloat about how many teeth your crank is rocking and how hilly your neighbourhood is.
6. You have Oury grips!

There's other brands out there people! Gah!

Anonymous said...

Nice Annette Dawn pic, 'course her Twistys work is better. What, I'm not all just about bikes people.

Anonymous said...

The beard is more common trait than tats, ourys, deepVs or skinny jeans

It's the bear look

Anonymous said...

BONEDETH
Sometimes having a good time involves idiocy. BOOBS ON A HOTPLATE!

FBC Spokane said...

I knew it was just a matter of time before the FBC showed on your radar.

Anonymous said...

A tattoo of knuckle tattoos? I think my head is going to explode.

grog said...

All You Haters Fondle Dead Animals.
Essay: Larry Tourhammer King.
Happy Spring Snob.

sendmeasnuggie said...

fbc- do me a favor, please, please don't move to bklyn

flaco said...

oh man, now you've done it snob, you've made them feel cool

bikesgonewild said...

...inbreeding at work...

d. fofonov said...

Malchick privet, as American mountain john is to be saying if I am for understanding correctly.

Babushka sends her greetings from Minsk and saying that she thinks you are being from Pinsk and not from Minsk. She is thanking America for fondling memories. Congressional people for AIG saying finest thing since Bolsheviks storming Winter Palace. She telling me that American more like Mother Russia than Russia is. Too bad she is living in Byelarus. I am staying Put in Astana.

I am thinking to make American funny. I am available for Mr. Leno mozhetbeets.

CommieCanuck said...

Gone
The requested resource
/anette_dawn_like_ya_bike/pics/02.jpg
is no longer available on this server and there is no forwarding address. Please remove all references to this resource.

Does this mean we have to pay now for the porn links?

SELL OOT!

BikeSnobNYC said...

CommieCanuck,

Sorry, I fixed it. You must be either the first person to click on it, or the first person to admit it!

--BSNYC

libertyonbikes! said...

does that say 'have fun'?
really?
you got a tattoo of tattoo'd
knuckles,
and that's what you choose?

since it's not really your
knuckles,
and you're not limited to eight,
give it thirteen knuckles,
and some wit.
or sarcasim.
wasted realestate.

CommieCanuck said...

Fixie culture rules

This will never get old.

red neckerson said...

that ladys got real nice tities but not as nice as jolene

kale said...

Commie-

http://tinyurl.com/dcckyx

frilly said...

It is with great relief that I can say I do not know any of the wolf jumpers. Probably rode over from the loop or S. Grand-yes, even StL has fixie hipsters. Or poseurs anyway. We would be happy to send them your way, Snob.

Glad they are having their 'fun' now. Cuz in the spring and summer, that trail is roadie heaven. The perfect 21 mile time trial.

John said...

It is nice to see the Prez is out to change the way we ride bikes as well. On close examination of the drivetrain - we see the president is riding in the hyper-efficient little-little gear combination.
While it take some practice to master the cadence required, it is proven to dramatically reduce both Carbon and Methane emissions!

bc said...

bloomy doesn't want bikes on the subway. i'm getting really sick of that asshole.

Anonymous said...

It's the Fixed Gear Appocalypse. If track bikes get associated with d-bags like FBC, no one will want to ride/run/rub them.
Prolly should go out there and kick their suburban wannabee hipster asses.

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Bicycle Club" Its not really clear, do they fuck the bicycles? Each other?

Anonymous said...

ZiP beat me to it but:
Serious props for "Beat like Takeshi".
Your best throwaway line in a while.

urchin said...

Snob, belated congrats on what sounds something like a regular paying job. Now you can drop a couple of your shifts at the coffee shop.

I do hope that you will have the chance to include some of your own graphics instead of the awful clipart crap usually seen in that rag.

I'm glad to hear the blog will continue to be it's own thing. It really couldn't be replaced unless you had regular columns in Bicycling, Hustler, and that mimeographed thing the crazy guy on the corner hands out. So much more convenient to get the whole package in one place, and for free!

Now, I'm off to get a tattoo of a guy getting a tattoo of knuckle tattoos. Or maybe a tattoo of a guy reading about a guy getting a tattoo of...

well, you see where that's going.

NPJ

urchin said...

that 'it's' should be its. Hope I get this posted before someone jumps on that. NP or not, I'm still a journalist...

Anonymous said...

What he is trying to say: I came here to mother fucking race!

broomie said...

Snob,

Now I can read aplogetica for for child predators and dopers, Chris Carmichaels' breathless accounts of being around Lance, stockbrokers suddenly do cyclocross and my favorite blogger all in one magazine. Awesome sauce!

I would guess that the rider in question is actually the goodwill cylcing ambassador from Planet Ook.

Anonymous said...

nyc commuting leave snow flurries return bright sunshine hope everyone got to enjoy their version of true cycling

Anonymous said...

Speaking of shitty tattoos*.

*(Or just the woosies that get them)

Anonymous said...

essay question:

this biker is obviously trying to let the world know that he is in fact the tool, not a tool, the tool the biggest, strongest, tooliest and most obnoxious tool there has ever been or will ever be. he is tool hear him roar

Jay said...

It's not a suit, it's a body tattoo. The helmet used to fit but all the scarring during the healing process has caused his skin to shrink, thus compressing his skull. The light is for spelunking.

Putney Swope said...

RTMS,

did you see Rip Torn in person this week at anthology Film Archives? just wondering...

christopher lee said...

that rider likes to spend money on his clothes but not on his bike, helmet or haircut.

TickTestle said...

All you suckers hate my balls!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the extra credit picture Snob. Now I know exactly what PROLLY looks like. haha

yours, The Anti-Skid!

Anonymous said...

if you look closely you will notice that he is not a hipster skidding he is actually a european skidding

Philip Williamson said...

Nice save, Urchin...

Philip Williamson said...

I guess the doors really are closed to the fixie/hipster subculture, if now there's such a thing as a Hipster Poser... not a hipster posing as a messenger, or a hipster posing as a transgendered 70s glam-band groupie, but actually a 'regular' (suburban non-fake-cool) person posing as a hipster.

I think I just had a tiny anyeurism.

Canis latrans said...

Thank you, anon 2:20!

Anonymous said...

im living in west africa doing stuff that should make me feel good. some days i just miss the good ole days when i lived in brooklyn. to make myself feel better i just check out your website, it reminds me of what a bunch of pandadouches i left behind.

bikesgonewild said...

...so...after the ceremonies were over, after the flowers were swept up off the pavement & the crowds had all gone home, after all was said & done at milano - san remo, the winner, mark cavendish smiled over at tom boonen, who placed 15th & said "all you haters can suck my cool passing breeze"...

...actually, what the rightly irrepressible mr cavendish, who was feeling slighted by mr boonen's remarks following tirreno-adriatico, said was "One of the sweetest things today was seeing Tom Boonen go past me backwards on the climbs."...

...fucking love it...

Wes said...

bgw

There is a time and a place for cycling talk, and I hardly feel a satirical blog about youngster's clothing is the place, and at this time of potential flux, I mean people are worried, people are scared about what's happening out there, where an unknown virtual cynical soldier has signed on a dotted line to spread his own flavour of miserable cheer just a tiny bit further, I think that means this isn't the time.

Of course they're all wrong - anyone who can drag in a following like this, daily, with what can only take ten minutes to gussy up out of nowhere must surely be able to find another couple of hundred words each month.

Anonymous said...

Simulated animal abuse - not cool. Oh yeah, that's right, you used to be cool.

Wes said...

Anon 11.42

Eh?

chucho said...

wow, those fellas jumping the poor dead coyote are RADICAL. i bet that kind of stunt got them some hot pussy...

bikesgonewild said...

...wes...in retrospect, you are quite right, so consider me suitably admonished...

...& the fact is, that while you know who mark cavendish is & i know who mark cavenish is & certainly our ironically "unknown virtual cynical soldier" knows who mark cavendish is, i doubt that 1 out of 4 tight pants-ed, one speeded, effete poseur/hipsters would have a clue...

...& if you brought the subject up, there'd be a lotta defensive posturing along the lines of "well...i'm into riding my bike, dude & i'm not into like, watching other people ride theirs"...

...but hey...i guess they're too busy "creating" their scene to appreciate the real world of cycling...
...thank god for bsnyc/rtms..."serving the public"...

Andy Pandy said...

I love it when PezTech starts talking all techno bike porn potty mouth dirty about the Topolino’s…… ie FEA ( or Finite Element Analysis for those non tech uber dorks)

COLE said...

clearly not a wildlifesnob

Axle Creep said...

The fact that the reintroduction of the Sturmey Archer ASC 3 speed fixed gear hub has been delayed due to a design change that allows it to accept a threaded freewheel is without a doubt the funniest thing EVER.

Can you feel the breath of the alpaca?

tom said...

Ready for Monday, alpaca breath?

thegock said...

No alpaca for you

Anonymous said...

After you steal a huffy and spray paint it black, be sure to look like a 'real' cyclist so no will suspect you of your crime.

Anonymous said...

I don't read Buycycling since the child-molester incident, and won't ever read it again. Even after 30 years of devotion. Some crap is just too low. Buycycling finally hit that low for me and my wife.

Sorry, Snob, but I won't be reading your column in it.

(and that's a coyote, not a wolf)

Scott said...

Hey, the laterally stiff yet vertically complacent video has a euro looking bike at the beginning of the shot. This is no USA hipster.

Goggles Piasano Ritardo said...

I can tackle anything beeotch

roseblablabland said...

perhaps you should look at older posts (http://fuckingbikeclub.blogspot.com/) to realize that we are a collective, with no leader. we aim to have fun and enjoy ourselves. we never look for a fight, but a fight does happen sometimes. missouri is full of douche bags and rednecks, they hate us. also, as a young black woman, i take some of the college, white boy, frat comments in offense. look before you leap, or at least before you judge. thanks. fucking snob.

roseblablabland said...

also, we are already in brooklyn. and its cold here in the winter, THAT is why guys have beards. to keep their faces warm. AND, suburbs? you people have no idea who you are talking about. it seems that you are all pretty much a bunch of assholes that cant appreciate when other people are enjoying them selves and having a good time BEING them selves. get over it.
oh, and anonymous posts are retarded.

sos said...

wait... 9 guys on shoddily pieced together bikes riding 30+ miles in the dead of a midwestern winter and messing with a dead animal they found along the way is an accurate portrayal of hipsters?

you live in nyc and point your judgmental finger at everything bike related that doesn't live up to your mediocre and rather trendy standards on a daily basis. and then all of your loyal readers pat your back and say "totally, you're so right. want to meet for an appletini at smiths night after the band of horses show?" i mean, wow... pot kettle black?

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