If you don't know what "jumping the wolf" is, it's when you take both cycling and yourself to a new plateau of idiocy. A reader forwarded me this link, and it proves once again that, for some people, a day on the bike is simply incomplete without also handling animal carcasses. These riders, however, have succeeded in making even the most absurd "fixter" antics look edifying in comparison. Probably the only thing worse than trying really hard to be a "hipster" is trying really hard to be a "hipster," missing completely, and instead landing somewhere between "frat boy" and "late-stage syphilis":
This is what nine people who are in the later stages of both syphilis and planning a move to Brooklyn look like. And here's their leader, who has assumed that position by dint of having the most voluminous tattoos and beard:
While he may not have knuckle tattoos, he does have a tattoo of knuckle tattoos, so he gets some points for irony. Still, while he cuts an impressive figure, he's less of an "alpha male" than he is an "alfalfa male".
|Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.|
Speaking of my shark jumping, I'd just like to reiterate that even though I am now a complete sell-out, I have no intention of changing or compromising this blog. (At least no more than it is already compromised by my own lack of ability.) That being said, my dark corporate overlords have insisted on two changes, and I have accepted in characteristically sniveling fashion.
Firstly, the phrase "All You Haters Suck My Balls" has been deemed too graphic, so when referencing it in the future I will instead say, "All You Haters Fondle My Balls." For some reason that seems to be OK with them.
Secondly, I have long observed a policy of applying a sepia tone to sexually suggestive photos in order to legitimize them:
(Original is here if you insist on seeing it in more lascivious hues.)
Well, going forward, my dark overlords have insisted that, in addition to the sepia, I place the lust-quashing visage of Larry King somewhere in the image as well:
I'm simultaneously happy and nauseous to oblige.
With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see this awesome skid.
Thanks for reading and ride safe this weekend,
1) What's the most likely explanation for this setup?
--The brakes are easily accessed during elephant trunk skids
--The rider is attempting to emulate the popular Reverse-Mounted Brake Lever (RMBL) style
--The rider flopped-and-chopped the bars without re-orienting the brake levers
2) AYHFMB indeed! Where was this testicle relaxation station?
--The North American Handmade Bicycle Show
--The Oregon Manifest Handmade Bike Show
--The Taipei International Cycle Show
--A rest stop on last year's Bike New York Five Boro Bike Tour
- A Heavy set women who is able to ride a bike and comfortable in provocative wardrobe who is comfortable having profanities shouted at her
- A woman with a round face, small eyes, and upturned nose who is comfortable having profanities shouted out at her in a comedic scene
- A rail thin teen boy with bad skin, bad acne
3) The above are being sought for:
--A new fetish video
--Extra work in a forthcoming feature film
--A wealthy voyeur who is orchestrating his fantasy threesome
--A new "schluffing" video
4) According to its owner, this Pista is:
--"Beat like Takeshi"
--"A great ministry to proclaim the Word of God!"
--"Laterally stiff and vertically complacent"
5) Lip tattoos are the new knuckle tattoos:
6) According to Cyclingnews, those hoping for "Porsche acceleration at Honda pricing" are going to be pleased with the Specialized Tarmac Expert:
7) According to PezCycling News, the $1,200 Topolino CX 2.0 wheelset is:
--"Difficult to service"
***Special optional extra-credit essay question***
A rider's bike setup and clothing choice can sometimes tell a story. This rider has made some unusual choices. What story might these choices tell?