Safety First, Common Sense Last

All right fellow cyclists, time to hang it up, because Bob "Oatmeal Nuts" Ryan has the last word on why bikes don't belong on the streets:

Looks like I've got the cyclists upset. 13 cycling fatalities on Boston streets in the last 5 yrs. It's just not safe on streets or hwys.

— Bob Ryan (@GlobeBobRyan) August 12, 2015

Yeah, Bob, we're not yelling at you because we're mad at you; we're only yelling at you to let you know you're making a complete fool of yourself, in the same way we might yell at the forgetful senior who's left the house without putting on his pants.  Honestly we don't care either way. We're just doing all this for your sake because we're nice people.

Anyway, it hardly warrants mentioning that his argument is self-defeating, in that if you're going to use deaths as a metric for what doesn't belong on the roads then cars should be the first thing to go.  But what's also interesting is that back in 2012 Ryan admitted he's washed up and doesn't know shit:

On February 14, 2012, during a podcast with Bill Simmons on Grantland.com, Ryan announced that he would retire after the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Said Ryan, "I really and truly believe that my time has come and gone; that the dynamics of the business, of what it takes, what it means to be involved in the sports business with all the Tweeting and the blogging and all the stuff, and an audience with a different taste - it's not me anymore. I'm not comfortable." Ryan indicated that he would stay involved with sports in a part-time capacity after retirement, but is not interested in continuing at the pace he does now. Ryan's last day as a Red Sox reporter was July 16, 2012

"The Tweeting and the blogging and the rock music and the kids today with the pants hanging down..."  Yes, the world is a bewildering place, and I'm sure all those bikes whizzing by while he's trying and failing to parallel park only add to his confusion.  Might be time for Ryan log off Twitter once and for all.  Because it's never too late to put on some pants.

Speaking of the safe and dignified mode of transport that is the motor vehicle, a Twitterer informs me that all heck broke loose over a parking space at a Denver Walmart:

(I love it when news stories like this have car ads in front of them.)

DENVER, Colo. (CBS4) – Police in Denver would like the public’s help identifying two people involved in a vehicular assault that started as a fight over a parking spot at a Walmart.

“Especially at Walmart, you shouldn’t be doing stuff like that,” said Walmart shopper Donnie Martinez.

I agree completely.  Is nothing sacred?!?  Schools, funerals, Denver Philharmonic Orchestra performances, sure.  But not at Walmart.

During the fight the female suspect drove an SUV, possibly a Chevy Suburban with custom rims and hit the man. As the victim falls, the other man in a red hat yells at the crowd then jumps into the SUV and speeds away.

Investigators said the victim was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries.

“We believe it was over a parking space. Maybe one space was sticking out too far. Some sort of something. Something unnecessary,” said Denver Police spokeswoman Christine Downs.

Nice.

Anyway, the victim has since been released from the hospital, but no word yet on the condition of the custom rims.

And while we're on the subject of driving, I was recently watching "The French Connection," which of course contains that amazing car chase:



Because we now live in the future I found myself multitasking by reading about the film on my smartphone while watching it, and I was fascinated to learn this:

Though the cast ultimately proved to be one of the film's greatest strengths, Friedkin had problems with casting choices from the start. He was strongly opposed to the choice of Hackman for the lead, and actually first considered Paul Newman (out of the budget range), then Jackie Gleason, Peter Boyle and a New York columnist, Jimmy Breslin, who had never acted before.[Note 3] However, Gleason, at that time, was considered box-office poison by the studio after his film Gigot had flopped several years before, Boyle declined the role after disapproving of the violent theme of the film, and Breslin refused to get behind the wheel of a car, which was required of Popeye's character for an integral car chase scene. 

One less car indeed.  Had Breslin been a driver we would not have had Gene Hackman as "Popeye Doyle."  This alone makes up for all that other crap you read in The Daily News, including Bike Snob Daily News's review of the old Citi Bikes.

Now let's talk about dick breaks:

(Could dick breaks on road bikes finally mean the end of the driveside photo?)

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned them, one reader noted the oft-cited rationale that dick breaks on road bikes are not about sheer stopping power; rather, they're about improved "modulation:"

(Click here for the correct pronunciation.)

Don't buy it.  You're playing right into their hands.

Now I'm not against dick breaks, and there are certainly some good reasons for dick breaks on road bikes.  For example, if you're a professional cyclist, you may occasionally find yourself descending mountain passes in the rain with crabon rims and a borderline T/E ratio, in which dick breaks will certainly perform better.  Or, if you commute in a rainy climate, perhaps you need the more predictable foul-weather braking.

Moreover, I fully acknowledge that dick breaks on road bikes are almost certainly the future, and I'm sure that as a recovering Fred and incorrigible bike dork I will one day own such a bicycle.

But "modulation?"  Come on.  It's exactly all this "marginal gains" nonsense that's always getting us in trouble--like those stupid press-fit bottom brackets, which are supposed to be a teensy bit stiffer than regular bottom brackets, but who cares when they're a giant pain in the ass?  By the way, press-fit bottom brackets sucked 20 years ago, and they still suck today:

I know because I had a Klein with just such a bottom bracket, which I listed on Craigslist and unwittingly sold to "a curator and an archivist of a specific period of mountain-bike innovation that flourished from the early 1980s to the early ’90s."

So I'm not saying there's anything wrong with dick breaks; I'm just saying that "improved modulation" is the equivalent of "increased stiffness"--which is to say it mostly just sounds impressive in catalog copy.

In other words, don't buy the modern equivalent of that Klein.

Also, don't forget: rim brakes are disc brakes with a really big rotor that's been integrated into the wheel for weight savings.  Believe it or not, you can even still use rim brakes to go mountain biking--even thought the very idea has become unthinkable.  In fact, if the trails are so sloppy that you need disc brakes to ride it, then you probably shouldn't even be on the trail in the first place--but nobody wants to acknowledge that, because if your mountain bike is not equipped to ride through a mudslide during a snowstorm you're now considered some kind of "woosie."

Ah, bikes...  For awhile no brakes was cool, and now excessive braking is the new no brakes.

Lastly, here's the fastest bike in the world--and it's not a Venge-Schmenge:

Note the disc brakes.

Wednesday comes but once a week.

Further to yesterday's post, in which I discussed sportswriter Bob Ryan's dumbfuckulous tweet, at least two readers have since reached out to the old fusspot and received responses.  Here's what he said to Ray:

Rather obvious. Whatever the benefits of cycling may be, getting killed or maimed on one of our streets or highways is not worth it. This country is not set up to accommodate cyclists safely. This is
news?

This is a great point, because nobody is ever killed or maimed while driving, and of course our country accommodates cars spectacularly well, which is why drivers never get stuck in traffic jams or have difficulty parking.

And here's his reply to Esteemed Commenter and Boston Area Correspondent Daddo One:

Oh, gee. Just living in America and seeing the impracticality of bicycles on our streets and highways isn't enough of a qualification? As I said, great abstract concept. Totally impractical. I favor life, not fatalities and maimings. Bikes don't belong on the streets. This is rather obvious.

He further added:

13 people KILLED on Boston streets in the last 5 years. Next question.

Obviously the natural follow-up question would be "Are you really this fucking stupid?," but instead Daddo One humored him by pointing out that, according to the CDC, "motor vehicle crashes (MVCs) remain a leading cause of injury death in the United States and represent the leading cause of death among teens and young adults nationally."  Therefore, it would naturally follow that Bob Ryan believes cars don't belong on our streets as well.

As far as I know Ryan has not replied to this, because he's too busy dipping his droopy, desiccated testicles in his morning oatmeal.  In fact, he hasn't tweeted in two days, which could indicate that Monday's bowl of oatmeal dried around his balls and he's been busy trying to chip them out with a spoon ever since:

Interestingly, it's also worth noting that while Bob Ryan will say incendiary things about cyclists, he's surprisingly diplomatic when it comes to the dog vs. cat debate:

Don't think it's wise to engage in a dog vs cat debate. To each his (or her) own.

— Bob Ryan (@GlobeBobRyan) July 21, 2015

So the guy will say that bicycles don't belong on public roadways, yet he doesn't have the oatmeal-covered balls to say that dogs can go fuck themselves?

What a putz.

Can you imagine this hoary doofus shuffling up to his desk, booting up his ancient computer, and pecking out moronic tweets about bikes and pets?

I mean sure, I tweet about the same things, but I'm considerably more nimble and I do it from the toilet.

Given all this, I can't help wondering what conclusions Bob Ryan would draw from this:

Two women were seriously injured on a Second Avenue sidewalk yesterday afternoon when a motorist jumped the curb and collided with them. Police say a 24-year-old woman was transported to Bellevue Hospital in critical condition with severe leg injuries, while a 23-year-old woman was listed in stable condition with leg injuries. The 24-year-old was reportedly pinned against a light pole.

Obviously people shouldn't be allowed to walk outside.

By the way, here's the New York Post version of that incident:

The accident happened as the woman was walking along Second Avenue near East 49th Street around 4:30 p.m. Monday when a silver Mercedes traveling south on Second was cut off by another car and went up onto the sidewalk, witnesses said.

Yep, just an "accident"--which the police know because they haven't finished investigating yet:

Police said they are still investigating the incident.

I realize all of this is confusing, so here's your New York Post vocabulary cheat sheet:

"Accident": When a reckless driver kills somebody as a direct consequence of their actions
"Was walking": Probably on her cellphone, she had it coming
"Still investigating the incident": Having lunch

It should all make sense now.

Speaking of "accidents," of course by now you've seen that spectacular Tour of Utah crash:

Just watching it was enough to make me soil my magical Mormon underwear.

As you can see, he comes screaming into the inside of the turn at an extremely high "rate of speed" (as the police like to say), braking so hard that his rear wheel loses traction:

Then presumably he eased up on the rear brake, sending him into a bit of a nose wheelie:

And finally the emergency brake kicked in, in the form of this car:

Ouch.

So would this situation have resolved itself differently had the rider's bike been equipped with cutting-edge hydrolic dick breaks?  Well, no.  Even with his primitive rim brakes he clearly had enough braking power to lock up his wheels, despite the fact that he was traveling well in excess of "Fred Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed.  Still, rode bieks with dick breaks are coming whether you like it or not, especially now that the pros are officially using them:

While it makes sense that Campy-sponsored teams would not test disc brakes, it isn't just a matter of component availability. Bike selection also plays into the equation. While most if not all of the WorldTour teams' bike sponsors have disc bikes, the vast majority of these are endurance bikes, with notably different geometry than the race machines most of the riders use everyday. Specialized's Tarmac Disc bike has identical geometry to its standard Tarmac race bike. However this machine uses a proprietary rear hub spacing, so riders could not take a neutral support wheel unless it was a Specialized Roval.

Give it a few more years of manufacturer tug-of-war before they settle on a "standard," and then that will be the end of rim brakes.  Yes, today's road rim will be tomorrow's combination keychain/bottle opener:

Then as soon as you get used to dick breaks yours will be totally obsolete as soon as they introduce road bike ABS.

And so it goes.

Lastly, here's something to be concerned about:

Absolutely no good can come of a contraption like that.

America Now Leads The World In Proven Reserves of Crude Stupidity

Here in this part of the northern hemisphere we're busy squandering the remaining weeks of summer and building up our cyclocross bikes with dick breaks for the coming season, but down in the land frumunda they've already had their cyclocross national championships, and Geoff the Reader (which sounds like a "Game of Thrones" character) was kind enough to send me this video of the dramatic conclusion of the Elite Men's race:



Here's the description from the video:

There was a controversial end to the Elite Men's race. Paul Van Der Ploeg (big bloke in blue) and Chris Jongewaard (small bloke with white helmet) came together and they ended up off their bikes. I gave the video to the commissaires, they reviewed it, prior to deciding the outcome of the race. Paul kept the win. They are leaning on each other from about 3 seconds into this video.

"Came together" and "ended up off their bikes" indeed.

Even more salacious was the subsequent media coverage:

"Tussle-tainted?"

("I eees muscle-tainted.  Eees similar?")

Well, no, Mario.  This is what she meant:

It involved a substantial amount of contact between the two and the situation became heated.

I bet it did.  Sounds like they were doing the ol' two-taint tussle.

Moving on, there's been a lot of news out of Boston concerning cyclists on the highway, and this mornint a tweeter on the Twitter tweeted this tweet from some Boston sportswriter at me:

I know this is borderline heretical, but bicycles just don't belong on American streets. It's a nice abstract concept, but impractical.

— Bob Ryan (@GlobeBobRyan) August 9, 2015

Wow.  Nobody in media is dumber about bikes than aging sportswriters.  Remember Tony Kornheiser back in 2010?



What is it with these people?  They write about sports!  Why are they so upset by people who engage in physical activity?  You don't see food critics getting angry at people for eating.  Anthony Bourdain tries the street food, he doesn't yell at all the other people eating it for blocking the sidewalk, or say stuff like, "Food just doesn't belong on city streets.  It's a nice abstract concept, but impractical."

Anyway, upon reading that tweet I fired off one of my own:

Don't worry, it's not "borderline" anything, you're fully inside Moronistan. https://t.co/cSPm8as6qY

— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) August 11, 2015

I should at this point remind you that I hate sports, partly because they're boring, but mostly because the stupid attitudes surrounding them hurt my brain.  Therefore, I didn't know who Tony Kornheiser was before that whole kerfuffle (even though he went to my high school, which is not surprising given his dimwitted worldview), and I didn't know who Bob Ryan was either--until after I sent that tweet, at which point I looked him up on a popular user-edited online encyclopedia and read this:

On January 28, 2008 his 37-year-old son Keith, was found dead in his home in Islamabad, Pakistan. Initial reports indicated that his death was an apparent suicide, however reports in the Pakistani newspapers Dawn and The News International indicated that Ryan's death may be investigated as a murder. A State Department spokesperson would only say the death was under investigation.[5] Bob Ryan released the following statement: "Everyone is devastated. I am well aware of these reports and we are very concerned about that. (But) we have no reason at this time to doubt the official version".[6]

That is completely horrible, and it made me feel really bad about the "-stan" thing, which was obviously a coincidence.  Ironically though I was initially going to type "Retardistan," but people always get upset when you use the "R" word that way, so I changed it.  Clearly I should have skipped trying to be clever altogether and just Tweeted "You're a fucking idiot."

You can never go wrong with that.

Indeed, very little good comes of the Twitter, though I was pleased to learn about this:

Sensible stuff from Paris: http://t.co/3TJJRrmsh3 cc @shaneferro @bikesnobnyc

— Felix Salmon (@felixsalmon) August 11, 2015

Here's the story:

No, by "jump red lights" they don't mean you can do the "two-taint tussle" with traffic signals.  What they mean is you're allowed to run the red light under certain specific circumstances:

The latest gift, being introduced over the summer, is a radical step that recognises a regrettable truth: that cyclists in cities often fail to stop at red lights. Rather than step up repression of this misdemeanour, the Paris city authorities have decided to make it legal.

Over July and August, signs are being put up at 1,800 junctions across the capital. They show an upside down triangle, with a picture of a bicycle and an arrow.

What this indicates is that when the signal is red, cyclists can nonetheless - and with all due care and attention - jump the lights. They can, to use the lingo, "griller le feu".

Mmmm, griller le feu is my favorite Parisian street food.

Anyway, here's when you're allowed to barbecue the light:

"It required a rewriting of the Code de la Route [the laws governing road use], but what in effect we have done is turn the red light for cyclists into a give way sign," says Christophe Najdoski, deputy Paris mayor in charge of transport.

It is important to note that the change only affects right turns or going straight on at a T-junction - in other words where the cyclist can hug the pavement.

This makes total sense, which is why it will never happen in New York.  See, here in America's Most Bike-Friendly City, these are the exact spots where the NYPD set up their cyclist red light sting operations.

Lastly, speaking New York City, a reader alerted me to the latest Bill Cunningham video, which I can't embed, so just click here instead.  Not only does he reveal that he's had 32 (!) bikes stolen, but he also spots a Citi Bike unicycle:

Presumably you only get 15 minutes instead of the usual 30.

Anyway, this video was highly thought-provoking, in that it made me think about how much I'd like to see a video of Bill Cunningham kicking Bob Ryan in the nuts.

I'm sorry I'm more or less on time today, my Apple Watch was working properly for some reason.

You may recall that last week a cyclist in flip-flops (AND NO HELMENT OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO DIE) took to the highway in Boston, sparking a media furor that raged until the next Donald Trump soundbite:

Well, Esteemed Commenter and Boston Area Correspondent Daddo One informs me that it happened again:

No flip-flops this time, but STILL NO HELMENT--and he was "juggling both his phone and the handlebars" with one hand somehow:

On Friday at noon, an NECN reporter tweeted a video (see below) of a man riding a bike westbound on the Massachusetts Turnpike without a helmet. He stayed close to the edge of the road, riding along the narrow shoulder, juggling both his phone and the handlebars in his right hand.

Which would be an incredible trick, except the video (!) shows quite clearly that no he wasn't:

Just a dude, no helmet, riding his bike on MassPike. Is that a @Hubway rental cycle? @NECN @MassDOT @MassStatePolice pic.twitter.com/rSTQBHDKmZ

— Ally Donnelly (@AllyNECN) August 7, 2015

As you can see here:

This prompted a statement from the President of the World Clown Association:

Who had this to say:

("Bullshit that's juggling!")

Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that Daddo One sent the following message to the "reporter:"

hey there,
I don't think cyclists should be riding bikes on highways.
I'm also wondering why you've now posted two stories about cyclists on highways but haven't posted the "car on bike path" picture I've sent you below.  

if you want a quote, just email me back.

Unsurprisingly, he has not heard back.  See, they're allowed to wander onto our turf but we're not allowed to wander onto theirs.  By the way, I suspect this driver was also juggling, and it was probably some combination of his smartphone and his dangly old man nuts:

("Two testicles and a phone?!?  Now that's juggling!")

Speaking of helments, a Twitterer informs me that Chris Boardman had some wise words on the subject:

“If I go on a long ride I wear one – sometimes out of habit, often on a mountain bike – but I am under no illusion about the effect on my safety. I manufacture the things. In an incident with a car they will have almost no effect.

“They are being used to deflect from making real decisions and I won’t waste air time talking about them. The danger for me is being hit by a vehicle doing something it shouldn’t. We should focus on how we stop accidents not what happens to people who have them.”

He said that cycling around town was a clear winner for health and the environment.

Wow.

Despite the fact that he is a former pro cyclist, Chris Boardman is now my hero.

Meanwhile, Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal has spoken to Jonathan Vaughters about Tom Danielson's positive drug test and the future of the Slipstream team:

Asked if the case pointed to any loopholes in the team’s testing protocols, Vaughters said that the testing program has been modified since the team’s pro-tour launch in 2008. Back then, all Slipstream riders submitted to a battery of internal tests. Recently, with cycling adopting a stronger (though not foolproof) testing program including a biological passport that examines a rider’s biological markers over time, Slipstream has dedicated most of its testing to team riders who are top contenders as well as riders it is considering signing later on.

So they've eased up on their testing since the UCI's program is more thorough now?  Yikes.  That's like not practicing safe sex because the government is releasing more polished PSAs.

Anyway, it sounds like Slipstream will go on, which is of course not at all surprising.  It does seem as though the "clean cycling" thing served its purpose as a marketing campaign by gaining Slipstream a loyal following, and recently they've sort of let it fall by the wayside as they really don't need it anymore--kind of like the pop star who no longer needs to pretend to be a virgin and eases into the "sexually promiscuous" image instead.  That's why they've become more or less indistinguishable from other pro cycling teams, and why their last team launch was so spectacularly cheesy--not to mention downright degrading:

There is a churro umbrella. "Not the strangest thing I've been paid to do," reports the brave lady operating it. pic.twitter.com/W6q90k7kKg

— Bill Strickland (@TrueBS) January 8, 2015

Still surprised they didn't get more crap for that.

I'm also surprised that this particular driver chose to drive into a Starbucks instead of the default Dunkin' Donuts:

Though I'm not surprised that the Post refers to the crash as an "accident" and says that "the car jumped the curb."

Damn sentient, caffeine-deprived cars.

By the way, if you'd like to see video of the "accident," click here.

I'd have embedded it, but the video player doesn't want to work with my blog.

Lastly, remember the "Alcoho-Lock" I mentioned Friday?  You know, the one with the name that sounds like a pop star who's moved into the promiscuous phase?  Well, upon closer inspection, this product appears to be Japanese:


Somehow that makes it all okay.

These Are the Dog Days

Well here's the biggest story in cycling at the moment, to which I was first alerted by Esteemed Commenter Daddo One:

A man on a bicycle was spotted in the middle of one of Boston’s busiest interstates during rush hour Wednesday evening. He wore shorts, flip-flops, and headphones, but decided against a helmet.

Yeah, of course he did!  Who wears a helme(n)t with shorts, flip-flops, and headphones?  That's like wearing a tuxedo jacket over a tank top.

The biker seemed calm, Toomey said. He merged from Storrow Drive onto I-93 North before crossing over the lanes with ease in the end-of-day traffic while drivers tried to give him some space.

Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous.  Why wouldn't he be calm?  He's wearing flip-flops and shorts and groovin' to some tunes--probably Jimmy Buffet.  There's no better way to unwind than cruising down the highway under clear summer skies on a Wednesday afternoon, your flip-flopped feet carrying you effortlessly to Margaritaville.

Biking on the highway isn’t smart. You could argue taking a picture while driving isn’t either. For Toomey, it was too good of a photo-op to pass up.

“It was rush hour,” she explained. “We were moving, but we weren’t going 70 mph in traffic.”

Not like I wouldn't have taken the photo too, but that's a real Möbius strip of a phrase.  If you're going 70 mph you're not in traffic, and if it's rush hour yet you're moving that's exactly when you need to be paying full attention.

Instead of tying herself up in logistical knots, she should have just said, "Screw you, it's an awesome photo, so what I was steering with my knees for a few seconds, don't be such a woosie."

Speaking of cyclist/driver relations, here's the latest hot steaming pile of praise for the Specialized Venge-Schmenge, and it contains perhaps the most audaciously spurious anecdote yet written in a bicycle review:

We hit a red light in town and wait in the left turn lane. Two cars stop next to us, and we are treated to something rare on this road. Rather than berating us, both drivers exclaim about how fast we were going, praising our speed and handling. As we pull away, we laugh. Specialized claims this new Venge, when used with the full complement of gear developed alongside it, can save more than five minutes over a 40 km time trial. That's tough to measure. But even your average driver on the road can tell that this bike goes faster than most.

Yep, that's right.  If you ride a $12,000 Venge-Schmenge, RANDOM DRIVERS WILL PRAISE YOU FOR YOUR AWESOME BIKE-HANDLING!

Sorry, that's not how it works.  Sure, if you drive an expensive car you'll be forgiven for your shitty driving, but if you ride an expensive bike you will not be praised for your awesome bike-handling.  Don't be fooled--when a driver runs you over you'll still be forced to pay for the scratches on his Maserati.

This is why cyclists increasingly ride with video cameras, and here's a new one that was inspired by just such an occurrence:

The premise behind the company’s product is simple: GoPros and other action cameras capture stunning footage from life’s most exciting moments, but people still have to upload it to their computers and edit it to make into something interesting. Graava requires no connection to a computer. Drop the camera onto a wireless charging mat, and it automatically syncs the raw video to the cloud, where Graava cuts out the boring bits.

So how does it do that?

He said the Graava camera has a G.P.S. chip and an accelerometer, sensors that detect location and acceleration force during any video recording. Graava’s software makes assumptions that moments when you’re speeding up sharply or slowing down are probably more exciting, and therefore worth keeping in the final cut.

"Bullshit!," say these people:


Anyway, here's the 2012 video of the incident that inspired the creation of the Graava:



And which I now suspect was completely staged in order to help market this product.

He's working the long con.

(By the way, they're riding pretty expensive bikes, yet notice nobody stopped to praise them for their bike-handling skills.  Instead they got hit by a car worth less than their wheelsets.)

Of course, pro cycling is the longest con of all, and Jonathan Vaughters is getting a lot of heat subsequent to Tom Danielson's positive doping test:

Though some of the people administering that heat are maybe not in a moral position to do so:

Armstrong was once drunk with power.  Now he's just drunk.

As for Vaughters, here's what the article has to say:

Vaughters isn’t perfect. He can come off as prickly, imperious, and condescending. We know he doped during his racing career; he told us (though he took way too long to admit it). My guess is there are riders on the team who would rather be riding for someone else. But he’s still an important force for change from within the sport. He has also, by force of personality, managed to keep a U.S.-registered team funded at the WorldTour level. I know I couldn’t pull that off. So even if Vaughters has to go back on his word to stay with the team, cycling is probably better off with him than without him.

Maybe so, but at this point I don't know why people are still talking about who should or shouldn't be in cycling.  Instead, it makes more sense to be be talking about who should be following cycling--and the answer to that is "nobody."

Moving on to more municipal matters, the Bronx Borough President is very upset that Citi Bike came to New Jersey before the Bronx:

"It is deplorable that Citi Bike is expanding to New Jersey before the rest of the city," said Bronx Borough President Ruben Diaz Jr. "My borough deserves better, as do the parts of Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, and Staten Island that are not currently served by our city’s official bike share program."

Apparently a meeting has now been set, during which a Citi Bike representative will explain that they don't move into any neighborhood until real estate prices exceed $1,000 per square foot.

Lastly, here's a video that explores the bond between a man, and his dog:



Note the dog is not wearing a helme(n)t.

Let's Wednesday!

Usually bad news flies out of the pro cycling peloton like spent bidons, but occasionally you hear about something positive (no, not that kind of positive, silly), such as Chris Horner letting the poor saps on his obscure cycling team use his lavishly-appointed RV:

The team told Cyclingnews that Horner is not sleeping in the RV this week at the Larry H. Miller Tour of Utah, as per the UCI rule that dictates riders stay in their assigned team lodging, so Airgas-Safeway is using Horner’s 40-foot fifth wheel trailer as the anchor for the team’s parking lot compound.

Indeed, Horner loves his RV, and here he affords us a rare glimpse into the intellectually stimulating life of the pro cyclist:

“You can mingle with the family you’re staying with and then you can go back to your home,” he said. “You can relax. You can stay with training partners, and then when you want to be on your own you can come back, flip the AC on, take a shower, put a movie on there and go to bed on the Temperpedic.

Yes, i's always a treat when Horner turns up in your driveway unannounced, especially around the holidays:

I'm sure Lance Armstrong awoke to that at least once during the Radio Shack days.

Horner's RV also has everything the pro cyclist could possibly need.  There's a bathroom:

Storage space for his toys:

And even a discreet "changing room:"

Which is why Horner implores his guests to familiarize themselves with the emergency exit procedure:



You'll need it when those drug testers come a-knockin':

("And if the rider's a-transfusin', tell the UCI he's just a-snoozin'.")

You don't win the Vuelta at 41 by opening the door to strangers.

In other news of arbitrary physical prowess, yesterday we met Giuliano Calore, the greatest no-hands cyclist the word has ever seen.  Well, if descending the Stelvio on a cockpit-less bicycle seemed a bit whimsical, then it's downright routine compared to "SpikeBoarding" your way up Mt. Tamalpais:


Of course there's no way any sane human would possibly sit through that entire video, so all you need to know is that it's over an hour (!) of this:

You may remember this person from way back in 2012, but you almost certainly forgot him again immediately, which is why the pastime of Fredboarding has completely failed to take the sporting world by storm.

Even Sisyphus is like, "Jeez, get a bike already."

Then again, I'm just jealous, because the closest I got to riding a bike yesterday was watching someone practice barspinzzz on the subway:

Sick barspinzzzz. pic.twitter.com/PvW13aFXuf

— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) August 4, 2015

He was also wearing tall socks with marijuana leaves on them, as though his state of intoxication was ever in doubt.

Anyway, I did try to check out a Citi Bike later that evening, but my key didn't work, probably because it looks like this now:

At this point it's probably more useful as a roach clip than as a means of accessing a Citi Bike.

Speaking of Citi Bike, the Plaza Hotel has been trying to have the nearby bike share station removed, but the state Supreme Court says it's staying:

The hotel and condominium wants the bright blue Citi Bike rack removed from Grand Army Plaza, a landmark itself. It says the 147-foot-long bike station is an advertising-laden, traffic-clogging eyesore.

Saying the Citi Bike station is responsible for the traffic on 5th Avenue is like saying my cat's farts are responsible for global warming.  As for "advertising-laden," we're talking about 5th Avenue!  Every retailer on the planet is there!  You can buy everything from anally-electrocuted furs to blood diamonds.  And what about this advertising-laden, traffic-clogging eyesore directly across the street?

Hey, Plaza management, there's a message for you at the front desk from Eloise:

But of course we wouldn't want bike share stations offending your classy guests:

(Charlie Sheen leaving the Plaza with his family and his drug dealer.)

At least Jersey City is more welcoming:

The long-awaited announcement comes as the city has added 22 new miles of bike lanes from the Heights to Greenville, and it represents "the next big step in creating a more bike-friendly city," officials said today.

"Jersey City is a diverse community with residents who largely use bikes, mass transit or walk to work," Mayor Steve Fulop said in a statement. "The city's culture and vibrancy make it the perfect place for bike share."

Wow, sounds lovely.  I should probably go visit before those antiquated train tunnels under the Hudson collapse, which should be any day now.

Lastly, here's some Wednesday verse:

You, 
My sweet clunker,
My Jewish locked queen,
biking along,
we almost made a connection.
Your hair made an impression.
Locks as old as the bible asserts
Why didn't you join us?
Why didn't I pursue to get your name?

Your skin was olive smooth, toned,
dark eyes, 
A nice 80's bike, solid,
was it a gear switching maniac I had
running up my rear,
nope
it was you,
lock dangling
gears tweaked. 
You apologized, 
I said it wasn't necessary.

I said come with us.
Lets get high.
You said u wish u were.
Lets be together.
Alas, your ass drifted
West on some god forsaken 
Williamsburg street.

Still,....
fuck.
Well,
may the universe fold 
its light touch upon your forehead
and keep you well.

J

Suck it, Walt Whitman.

It's All Downhill From Here

Further to yesterday's post as it pertained to Tom Danielson, remember this from last year?

I had a great time cheering for @tomdanielson today. What a great role model! pic.twitter.com/48lCfk1If5

— Kalan Beisel (@kalan_beisel) August 21, 2014

Well, it was amusing then:

“Professional athletes get heckled day in and day out…. I wasn’t telling him his momma was fat or anything,” said Kalan Beisel, who harangued Danielson on Thursday in Colorado Springs, to the point of prompting Danielson to extend a middle finger, mid-race. “I just called him a doper and told him he sucks. It was really simple … I don’t think it’s harsh at all. Personally I think he shouldn’t be racing in the peloton.”

And it's even more amusing-er now.

Also, STEVE TILFORD (who has earned all-caps status at this point in his cycling career) pointed out the following regarding Jonathan Vaughters:

In February, Vaughters told Cyclingnews, “It’s true we ask for that [scrutiny] and still in ten years we’ve not had a rider dope on our team. Ever. We’ve lived up to that. That was the initial promise. If that ever is broken then Doug and I are out.”

So presumably if Danielson's B sample comes back positive then it's exeunt Vaughters--assuming he's a Fred of his word, which of course we all know he is.

Anyway, saying a cloud of suspicion hangs over professional cycling is like saying Bill Cosby may be a bit of a philanderer.  This puts us in a frustrating position, because we want to thrill to heroic cycling exploits, yet when we learn we're basically just watching pharmaceutical clinical trials on wheels then the thrill is gone.  Essentially, watching pro cycling is now like watching reruns of "The Cosby Show," albeit without the still-reassuring presence of Phylicia Rashad.

So to whom do we turn for acts of two-wheeled derring-do?  Well, I recently received the following press release about Giuliano Calore, a rider in whom we can all believe, at least for now:

STELVIO. AUGUST 03, 2015

A great, almost unbelievable achievement, the one that saw Giuliano Calore coming down the Stelvio no handed, with his bike without brakes and handlebars, during the night of July 31st 2015.

"It has been the most difficult record attempt in my life, I was ready from days but we had to wait for good weather conditions! This night at the 2750 mts. of the Stelvio Pass we still had a lot of wind and temperatures around zero degree, but I decided to go down anyway. And It was all simply perfect, with no crashes or stops at all!"

And here is the man himself:

77 Years

12 Guinness World Records

1 Record still to be conquered

1 Night

0 Handlebars

0 Brakes

After reading the above list I was inspired to burst into song, though I couldn't decide whether to sing "...and a partridge in a pear tree" or "Day-day-enu..."

So instead I said "Fuck it" and just started beatboxing.

Anyway, there's also a movie about this daring and pointless cockpit-less Stelvio descent, and it reveals the story of how Calore became the Eddy Merckx of riding no-handed.  Basically, when he was a kid his relatives owned an ice cream shop in Bologne:

So he'd ride there from Padova and back:

Which is a distance of 150 miles:

Naturally, he needed to ride no-handed to eat the ice cream, which is presumably how he honed his formidable no-hands skills.  Of course, what the movie trailer doesn't address is that it only takes like five minutes to eat an ice cream cone, so why did he continue to ride no-handed for the remaining 74 miles of the return trip?

I suspect the reason is that after he ate the ice cream his hands were all sticky and he didn't want to mess up his bar tape, but I suppose I'll have to pay for the entire move to confirm whether this is indeed the case.

In any event, Calore went on to parlay his ice cream-eating skills into untold fame and fortune--so untold in fact that you never heard of him until today.  Here is his in 1986 using a parachute as a brake:

Here he is executing some fancy footwork as he conquers the Dolomites:

And here he is getting some kind of Casio keyboard hand-up:

If this guy ever showed up at the Cross Crusade in Portland he'd be worshipped like a god.

In the meantime, it's heartening to see that the AARP has its own Patrick Seabase.

Meanwhile, at 77 years old Giuliano Calore is descending the Stelvio no-handed, yet at only 65 years old Bjork can't make a right-hand turn in a stupid Chevy Avalanche:

That's Richard Bjork, for the avoidance of confusion:

“The guy just shot across and I tried to avoid him and the car went out of control,” said the driver, 65-year-old Richard Bjork.

Bjork said he was making a right turn from Nostrand Avenue onto Avenue W around 6pm when the bicyclist zoomed past him on the crosswalk. After veering left to miss the biker, Bjork said his gas pedal stuck and sent his 2002 Chevy Avalanche hurdling into the building.

The bicyclist did not stick around after the crash, he said.

Wow.  He smashed into a storefront while making a right turn?  This is truly Coltrane-level, sheets-of-sound excuse-making.  Firstly, he blames the cyclist, which is smart because everybody hates cyclists.  Secondly, he claims the cyclist was in the crosswalk, because it's important to establish that the cyclist was doing something wrong, even if it has little bearing on the situation.  Thirdly, he explains that he was "veering left to miss the biker," because when you're making a right-hand turn and you see someone in the crosswalk naturally you're going to take evasive action instead of, I dunno, using your freaking brake pedal and slowing your vehicle.  And finally, for good measure he claims that in the process of all this veering "his gas pedal stuck."

I feel dizzy just reading it.

So let's take a look at this intersection.  Here's Avenue W, where it intersects with Nostrand:

And here's some douchebag in the crosswalk, because in Brooklyn the deeper into the alphabet you go the more intense the motor-vehicular douchebaggery gets:

Now, in this image you see a silver car turning the same corner where Bjork heroically avoided an alleged scofflaw cyclist and sacrificed his beloved Chevy Avalanche to a storefornt:

Here's the Avalanche, represented by an Avalanche, and here's the cyclist, represented by Bret:

Now, if Bjork were paying attention and turning at a reasonable speed (a laughable notion in this part of Brooklyn, but bear with me), he'd simply stop when Bret entered the crosswalk, mutter "Friggin' cyclists" under his breath, and continue once the crosswalk was clear.  But instead he somehow launches his truck clear across Avenue W and into a storefront, which incredibly does not contain a Dunkin' Donuts:

An occurrence all the more tragic because Bjork's truck had just won third place in the world's lamest auto show:

Bjork said he was returning home from a auto exhibition in Gerritsen beach, where his truck won third place for “best in show.” He said he felt unhurt after the accident and the FDNY later reported there were no injuries sustained from the crash.

Auto show podium, really?  It's just an ugly white truck with some wheels he ordered online from the Tire Rack.  There's 20 more impressive cars than that right now in the parking lot of your nearest Target.

Nevertheless, I'm glad Bjork emerged unscathed, though I was never too worried about the cyclist, because I'm fairly certain he doesn't exist.

Laslty, it looks like people are finally realizing you can integrate bike commuting with other modes of transport:

Walas said Park and Pedal, inspired by the president of Montague Bikes, mostly targets people who live in the suburbs and feel they have to drive all the way to work.

“Most people are either not willing to bike the whole distance, or are just not able to,” he said. “This is about just building awareness, and letting people know you can actually do this. It gives people the idea.”

Montague Bike, eh?

I knew it.

It's a conspiracy designed by "Big Fold."