Fixedgeargallery...of Out With the Old, In With the New

As a cultural phenomenon, fixed-gear bicycles have clearly reached a point in their evolution where they're splitting off into many different subsets. Just as the primordial slimy things with legs that crawled upon the slimy sea eventually climbed out of the sea and evolved into scaly things, and hairy things, and hairless things, and people who sneeze into their hands and then touch you with them, or just as punk music branched off endlessly into various sub-genres like hardcore, and ska, and grindcore, and indie rock, and, tragically, Coldplay, so has the fixed-gear bicycle begat clearly distinct lineages such as the fixed-gear freestyler, the polo bike, the garden variety urban runabout, and of course the ironic Orange Julius bike.

And while I may mock many of these bicycles, even I realize and appreciate the fact that bicycles must evolve, and that different lifestyles demand different bicycles, and that today's aberration may be tomorrow's industry standard if it proves both functional and appealing to enough people. Take for instance the following bicycle, which I feel embodies the present state of fixed-gear evolution pretty well:



hey my name is Christina here's my fairly new Greek baby bike!

its a 47cm nycbikes frame 650c deep v's ,fixed/fixed rear hub,(thanks to Richard from nycbikes who hooked up!), nitto anodized flat bar, oury grips,carbon fork, specialized toupe seat.

its still undergoing upgrading changes ( possibly the crank set) but for now here it is. this bike is lots of fun!

Sure, this isn't my sort of bike, but apart from the lack of a brake I can certainly acknowledge its functionality as a swift little urban runabout. It even manages to display nationalistic pride without veering off too wildly into the realm of the tribute bike. Okay, if it had an integrated apotropaic eye and a top tube pad with the phrase "My Big Fat Greek Fixie" embroidered on it we might be getting into Trail of Tears 2K8 territory, but as it is it's just a relatively subdued blue and white. And while I personally may abhor things like colored chains, if they work just the same as regular chains then go right ahead and use them if you must. Hey, if she vibes Hellas and it's her classic peep during Art History, then she should vibe away.

On the other hand, we have this:

greetings from baltimore. this is my 1988 nagasawa. i got it used from a japanese website --e-framebank.com-- for real cheap. i'd recommend it for anyone who is interested in a used keirin frame and doesn't mind waiting two months while it's shipped over in a rice boat. the dropouts are spaced at 113mm for some reason and the slots were about 8mm so it took some respacing and grinding to get the back wheel on. the dude at the bike shop thinks the frame may have been built for a disc wheel. also the cranks i had were not compatable so i had to grind the shit out of those to keep them from bottoming out. theres a bit of an overlap problem as well so im having to use powergrips on mountain bike pedals until i can afford to go clipless. everything else seems to be running smooth though and if i didnt have so much crap to carry places i'd sell my car....and move to brazil. thanks for the site. i check it at work when i'm not driving the zamboni.

Apart from the naked bars with the Oury shoulder pads, I didn't cringe when I saw this bike. In many ways it's also the opposite of the Hellenic bike in that it's pretty traditional. I did, however, cringe at the description. Apart from the little bit about it being "shipped over in a rice boat," the owner's cluelessness regarding the spacing was especially disturbing. Uh, it only takes about five seconds of Googling to discover that 110mm rear spacing with 8mm slots was simply a Japanese Keirin frame standard. (I'm sure the extra 2mm can be attributed to the frame being slightly out-of-spec or to simple mis-measuring.) You'd think he'd take the time to figure that out and maybe seek out the appropriate components for his frame before deciding to "grind the shit" out of stuff. (If not before even buying the thing in the first place.) Just because you've never heard of something doesn't mean it's wrong. If you bought an Italian frame and your English bottom bracket didn't go into it, you wouldn't say it was threaded backwards "for some reason" and then jam the thing in there anyway. You'd do five minutes of research, learn about the difference between English and Italian bottom brackets, and get the correct component.

Hey, I don't even mind that he grinded or respaced the frame. It's just some metal tubes welded together, it's his, and he can do what he wants with it. I just wish he'd taken the time to learn something about his Keirin frame first. Instead, he blithely took file to frame because it had a certain spacing "for some reason." Using an old frame in a new way is open-minded. Using and old frame the wrong way because you don't know anything about that frame and haven't taken the time to learn is closed-minded. He didn't modify the frame, because modifying something requires understanding it. He didn't butcher the frame either, because even a butcher understands the animal he is cutting apart. In this case, he mutilated it. And by the way, the "overlap problem" is not a problem at all. It's a track bike, not a mountain bike. It's not designed for technical slow-speed maneuvering.

If anything good is going to come out of the current fixed-gear customization fad, it's going to be that more and more people are going to learn how to build their own bikes to suit their riding styles, and consequently bicycles will become more neatly integrated into their lives. If a rule doesn't work for you, throw it away. You don't need to ride what the big companies are trying to sell you, and you don't need to build your bike according to anybody's rules. But at least read the rule book before you throw it out. Toe overlap on a track bike is not a "problem." Frame spacing is not arbitrary. Frames are not wrong--people are wrong. It's 2008, and there are a tremendous number of fixed-gear frames on the market with standard spacing and plenty of toe-front wheel clearance. Why wear heels when what you really want are sneakers?

Rest-Day Roundup: Stealing Seconds and Stealing Bikes

Yesterday's Tour de France stage coverage was inspirational for a number of reasons. Firstly, there was Saunier Duval's impressive one-two finish, proving once again that there is no "I" in "team." (Though there is a "moi" in "chamois.") Secondly, Cadel Evans (whose collarbones are only intact after yesterday's crash because they have both been replaced by titanium) proved he is in fact a great stage racer by taking the Maillot Jaune by one second. (Anybody can blast his way up a mountainside in a distateful display of power, but it takes a certain dignified restraint to sidle up behind people and pilfer seconds the way Cadel does, like an uninvited party guest nabbing cocktail weiners.) And most importantly, about midway through the coverage, the new Mogo Scooter commercial "dropped."

Finally, something I can use! I love prefabricated fads, and this one's so prefab the sneakers they bought for the photo shoot still have the tag on them. The Mogo has a bicycle's lack of portability and lacks a drivetrain, so it's essentially a skateboard you can't bring on the bus and a bicycle you can't ride for long distances. Fun! Of course, the bike-based scooter already came and went in the 80s, but I honestly feel the Mogo will succeed where the Miniscoot failed, mostly because the manufacturer has handily dispensed with all my reservations in their FAQ:

What is it like to ride a mogo?
The mogo motion is like no other type of ride out there. If you enjoy bicycling, skateboarding, surfing, skiing or any other type of cruising, you are sure to love the mogo. On a mogo, you blaze at your own speed, set your style, and dazzle the world with your mogo skills.

Do I need to be an athlete to ride a mogo?
Hardly. All are welcome in mogo nation. Anyone from your little brother to your grandma can enjoy the freedom and excitement of a mogo. Riding styles and speed is totally up to you.

Who invented the mogo?
The mogo was the invention of a groovy group of folks looking for a fun way to enjoy kicking around town and relaxing. Riding a mogo is a great way to be seen on campus or around town.

Can I get a workout from riding a mogo?
The endorphin rush is just one of the many buzzes you get from a mogo. You will notice from the moment you stand on your mogo and start pushing that muscles throughout your legs back and abs are used to propel and steer you mogo.

Yes, take it from me, there is no greater endorphin rush than the one you get from looking like a complete dork. By the way, here's a photo of the "groovy group of folks" who invented the Mogo:

I must admit though that I was disappointed by the results of yesterday's stage. I'd hate to bring my personal biases to bear here, but the truth is I'm rooting for Carlos Sastre. You may recall Sastre's pacifier-in-mouth mountaintop victory salute in the 2003 Tour:

Sastre made this bizarre gesture in honor of his infant daughter, so I'm pulling for him now in the hope that he'll repeat the salute in a more age-appropriate manner. I figure the kid's probably experimenting with "bathroom" words by now and maybe just learning to write, so if we're lucky Sastre will win a mountain stage this year and cross the line holding a blackboard with the word "doody" scrawled on it.

In the meantime, today is a rest day, so I'd like to turn my attention to more important matters. And what could be more important than a bike theft? Recently I received the following email about a missing bicycle in the Brooklyn area:

On June 9th the bicycle was transfered to a UPS truck for delivery in Brooklyn, but grew feet an walked off the truck.

Bicycle is a red 2007 Cinellii Super Corsa 58cm with 2007 Campagnolo Record gruppo (Silver hubs and alloy crankset 172.5). Saddle is a Ti Brooks Swallow honey in color. 120mm Salsa stem (Decals removed) and a Deda 215 Shallow 46cm outside to outside with Cinelli natural cork tape finished with tape colors that match the Cinelli logo. Aspire Velo Tech Italian Bike Mirror on barend. King Cages stainless bottle cages that have been polished along with the stainless button head mounting bolts. The cable stops for the downtube are polished Shimano (I think they look better than the plastic Campy). Wheels are 36h Record hubs with Ambrosio Excellence rims, two cross front and three cross rear, and Vittoria rubber (Red stripes and 23mm tires, Michelin tubes have extra long valves which stands out on the low profile rims.). All other parts are Campagnolo Record Ultra Narrow 10 speed (Headset, pedals, cassette (Big, for the mountains), seatpost is carbon Record). I took the red decals off of the big chainring. Frame is missing one of the "Flying Cinelli C" buttons at the seat cluster. Front derailleur has a nick on the lower outside cage touched up with clear nail polish. Black Timbuk2 medium saddle bag with the logo removed and post strap altered so it would not rub on the Record logo and a brown leather Cinelli toestrap, w/gold logo, looped around seatrails and bag.

As you can see, this is a big loss for me and any help would be great. I am offering a reward in an effort to reclaim the bicycle.

The bicycle was apparently en route from Atlanta (which according to Wikipedia is in Georgia somewhere.) Shaken to the core, I immediately commissioned (at great expense to myself, I might add) a composite sketch of the missing bike:

Note the exquisite rendering of the Brooks Swallow saddle and the Aspire Velo Tech mirror.

Of course, after the artist had already cashed the check the victim sent me an actual photo of the bike:

Amazed as I was at how accurate the composite sketch turned out to be, I was still upset at having spent the money for nothing, so I implore all of you to keep an eye out for this bicycle and to reimburse me for my expenses from what will no doubt be a handsome reward. If you have any information please email me. And in the meantime, I advise the victim to take action against UPS, and to hire a top-notch attorney:

With a commercial like that, she's gotta be good.

I'm Back: Did I Miss Anything?

(A potential recruit in the War Against Pie Plates)

Today is Bastille Day, and that means two things: 1) a Frenchman will probably take a flyer in today's Tour stage, and 2) my vacation is over. If you're wondering where I spent my time off, rest assured I was nowhere near France. Unfortunately, I can't tell you where I did go, because if I do then everyone will want to go there, and they'll also bring with them their sundry bacterias and viruses and crass Western folkways, thus destroying the delicate cultural and ecological balance I was fortunate enough to enjoy. (I know what you're now thinking, and I will neither confirm nor deny spending the last week in New Jersey.) Let's just say that my vacation was exactly like a stint in the Peace Corps, except there were no impoverished peoples, the food was delicious, and I didn't lift a finger to help anybody.

I am, however, quite willing to tell you how I did not spend my vacation. Here are just a few things I didn't do:

File a Lawsuit Against the New York Bike-Share Program for Copying my Take a Pista, Leave a Pista Program

I was only waiting for the PistaDex to dip slightly before implementing TAP/LAP so that it would be economically viable, but unfortunately the scoundrels behind the bike-share program scooped me. Actually, while I was sitting around biding my time someone else went ahead and stole the PistaDex from me too. I really need to be more proactive when it comes to whoring my ideas.

Visit Gary Fisher's 29er Fantasy Camp

Yes, now large-wheeled devotees have a place where they can extoll the virtues of their machines and feel free to be themselves as they roll somewhat more smoothly over rugged terrain, free from the scorn and ridicule of the diametrally-challenged and the rubber-and-kevlar grip of the international 26-inch tire manufacturers' cabal. Sadly, however, I was not among them.

Immerse Myself In a Full Week of Versus Tour de France Coverage

Actually, this was my original intention--to camp out on my sofa like a Basqueman beside a Pyreneean road and do nothing but watch the Tour. Excited, I donned my Tour-watching smock, took the phone off the hook, and fired up the TV. To make it more interesting, I also bought a bottle of tequila, a bottle of whiskey, and a bottle of vodka. Each time Phil or Paul gratuitously mentioned Lance Armstrong, I took a shot of tequila. Each time Paul said the phrase "front end of the main field," I took a belt of whiskey. And each time Phil or Paul said the phrase, "sorry for the little bit of picture break-up," I hit the vodka. (I also died a little bit inside each time that anti-bike Autozone commercial ran, but that wasn't part of the game.) Unfortunately I passed out and nearly choked to death on my own vomit before the end of Stage 1. Lesson learned.

In any event, my bout with alcohol poisoning was really a blessing in disguise (albeit a disgusting one which contained a disturbing amount of undigested Cheetos), since it prompted me to go on a real vacation and get some rest. The blessing was also a mixed one (and I'm not just talking about the other stuff that was in there with the Cheetos), since taking a vacation is also like sitting up in a group ride--while it might feel good for a little while ultimately you've got to pedal twice as hard to get back to the group. I'm now almost completely out of the loop, having missed monumental things like:

This Once-In-A-Lifetime Craigslist Bargain

custom spicer track bicycle - $1250 (bed-stuy) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/744542747.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-07-06, 2:50PM EDT

Custom spicer track frame, Kinesis carbon fork, sugino 75 165cm track cranks, brooks b-17 saddle, mks pedals/clips (size LL, have size L you can have as well, soma double straps, aerospoke front/rear, older stem/bar configuration i used because it had less of a drop, will include an italmanubri stem, pista drops, and nitto track rb-018 bullhorns. tange headset, sugino bb, white chain. frame size is roughly a 56-58.. its a bit small for me as i'm 6'2. I included a picture of a small crack in the front wheel (not structural!!) that i covered with tape about 6 months ago and it's been fine like that.I can remove it and show you that it is only cosmetic. Michelin pro race front tire, specialized mondo rear, This is a fun, stiff, fast bicycle that has been well built and cared for by myself and bike shops.
$1250
Thanks for looking!

That's right, the crack in the Aerospoke is non-structural. Sure, it may have been structural at one point, but that was before the owner covered it in duct tape. Personally I'd have absolutely no reservations about riding a front wheel comprised of only five spokes, one of which has a crack in it. Four out of five is more than enough--after all, the seller has five fingers on each hand and he still managed to take a decent photo of his bike with his thumb up his ass. That's good enough for me.

The Theft and Recovery of An $8,000 Bicycle

A number of readers were kind enough to forward me this story:

$8,000 bike stolen during trip to ATM
The Capital Times — 7/08/2008 9:58 am
A visit to an ATM cost a bicyclist his $8,000 bike Saturday.
Madison police said the bicyclist left his bike unattended while he went to the cash machine at the Jenifer Street Market, 2038 Jenifer St., shortly after 4 p.m. Saturday, and within the few minutes it took to use the ATM, the bike was gone.
"The owner said the bike would be useless to most riders," said police spokesman Joel DeSpain. "It has no brakes and is a fixed gear bike that doesn't coast but works like a big wheel, so if you want to slow down you pedal backwards or lock your knees."
Anyone with information about the theft can call 266-6014.

Needless to say I read this with great concern. The very notion that a person cannot leave his $8,000 fixed-gear bicycle alone and unlocked while he goes to withdraw cash from an ATM--right in the very backyard of the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company no less--sickens me. Chances are he needed the cash to purchase more components for his bicycle, which makes its theft all the more tragic. Fortunately, though, there was a happy ending:

Pricey bicycle returned to owner
By Patricia Simms
608-252-6492
psimms@madison.com
An $8,000 bicycle has been returned to its owner after being swiped Saturday near an ATM at the Jenifer Street Market.

Madison Police spokesman Joel DeSpain said Tuesday that the owner of the expensive and unique Trek bicycle parked it around 4 p.m. a few feet away from the ATM.

"In the couple of minutes it took the victim to use the machine, his $8,000 bike disappeared, " DeSpain said.

The bike has a carbon fiber frame, fork, handlebars, seat, wheels, and cranks, with but a few small pieces of aluminum parts. It has no brakes, and is a "fixed " gear -- it does not coast.

"If you want to slow down, you pedal backwards, or lock your knees, " he said. "The owner says it would be useless to most riders. "

Police believe the thief discovered that quickly, then ditched it near the Barrymore Theater after riding it a few blocks.

Someone attending a nearby block party spotted the bike and recognized its value. DeSpain said that person propped the bike up against a pole and watched to see if it was claimed.

When it wasn't, he took the bike to his house and called the police.

Meanwhile, the victim called the police self-report line and talked to an officer, who helped make the connection between the two calls.

DeSpain said the bike 's owner thinks its recovery is a "miracle."

I'm not sure "victim" is the right word here, since really the only thing the owner is a victim of is his own stupidity. "Miracle" is also a bit of an overstatement, though I suppose when you're that stupid just about everything seems miraculous. I'm sure he also marvels at things like toast and the wetness of water, and I suspect he also keeps operating instructions taped above his toilet so he can remember how to use it every morning. I'm also sure when he reported the theft he explained to the officer that he had been at the ATM machine, and that while he was pretty sure he was only there for a few minutes it might have been longer, since he was having a really hard time remembering his PIN number--which he finally remembered was tattooed to the inside of his lower lip.

Messenger Reality Show Pitches

Self-delusion is a part of the human condition, and one delusion we all share is that our workplace would make a great television show. And it seems like the good people at Cyclehawk couriers are, alas, only human. This trailer has it all: from the savvy old street warrior; to the dispatcher who waxes nostalgic while getting a haircut about the life of crime he left behind; to the young upstart whose helmetless riding, unkempt appearance, and general insouciance are sure to have the squares quaking in their pennyloafers. Will people ever stop romanticizing the act of riding around the city on bicycles and delivering packages for money? Well, it's 2008 AD (or 22 AQ--that's After Quicksilver, naturally) and they're still trying, so I don't think so.

Robert Mackey Buys His Way to the Top

After having spent approximately $75,000 by my count, Robert Mackey succeeded in finishing L'Etape, proving once again that money can indeed buy mediocrity. (He could have saved himself some money by simply having Chris Horner ride him to the top.) More interestingly, the winner in Mackey's age group was none other than Laurent "Aaron Eckhart in 'Nurse Betty'" Brochard.

In his heyday Brochard sported perhaps the most inspiring hair in professional sports, if only because his coif was in fact a poignant metaphor for the peloton itself--for as any racer can tell you, it's all "business in the front, party in the back" when it comes to riding in the bunch. It would seem that Brochard is now part of a twin-pronged assault on European amateur cycling events blissfully free from doping controls, consisting of himself and disgraced Lithuanian Raimondas Rumsas, who went on to become a Gran Fondo specialist after his wife was arrested with a suitcase of drugs in 2002. (Not to be confused with a "suitcase of courage," which of course is perfectly legal, or a "suitcase of sausage," which is just strange.)

And of course, like all truly driven individuals, Mackey is not stopping here. Having condensed an entire cycling career into a period of a few weeks, he's now retiring and moving on to Tour de France commentary. At this rate you can expect a full line of Mackey bikes to launch at Interbike in October.

These are simply a few morsels from the vast cheeseplate of items that was served up by the cycling world while I was gone, so I hope you'll bear with me as I get caught up in the coming days. Not only that, but I'm trying to follow the Tour as well. Following the Tour is easy when you're European and don't work, but for us Americans it's quite difficult. I suppose I could save time by fast-forwarding through the commercials, but frankly I'm afraid I'll miss something. Sure, many of the commercials seem random and completely at odds with the tastes and lifestyles of the Tour de France audience, but if you look deeply you'll find a connection. For example, I was puzzled at first by the frequent advertisements for Rhino truck bed liners. But I've since sprayed one of my bike frames with the stuff and I'm pleased to report it's holding up nicely. I'm convinced that Rhino truck bed liners are the top tube pad of the future.

This Just In: BSNYC On Vacation!

One of the best things about writing this blog is that I answer to nobody but myself. So recently I asked myself if I could take a much-needed summer vacation, and I was delighted when the answer came back "Yes!" I can be unpredictable, though, so I also figured I'd better pack up and split quickly before I changed my mind. As such, I'll be gone through next week, and will return on Monday, July 14th with regular updates.

This should give me ample time to add a few more Tour de France stage wins to my palmares before the race heads into the mountains and I abandon Cipollini-style as I have in years past. (Suffering is so undignified.)

In my absense, please enjoy our nation's birthday, the first week of the Tour, and whatever else happens to be going on. As always, thanks everybody for reading, and ride safe. I'll see you again on the 14th.

--BSNYC

The Indelible Cleanliness of Riding: Drugs No, Tattoos Yes!

By this time I think pretty much everybody knows that Floyd Landis has lost his appeal against the US Anti-Doping Agency, thus really, really losing the 2006 Tour de France. Landis says he is "saddened" by this decision, though he may take some consolation in the fact that Rowan Atkinson has signed on to play him in the Hollywood screen adaptation of his life:

Not only do they bear more than a passing resemblance, but Atkinson also has the experience in the peloton to bring some much-needed authenticity to the film. Here he is reenacting the epic break that brought Floyd fame, and then misfortune:

Of course, as we all know, not doping is the new doping. And while Slipstream may be leading the charge, they're not the only ones drawing the proverbial "X" on their hands. VeloNews reports that cherubic wunderkind Damiano Cunego has also jumped into the pit. Not only that, but he's so committed to clean racing that "he's supporting a new anti-doping campaign and has had its slogan tattooed on his left arm. It reads: 'I’m doping free.'"

Now that's impressive. Nobody would ever get a hypocritical tattoo. Hopefully Cunego will now be exempt from doping controls and need only flash his ink when he's called. As for the tattoo itself, VeloNews didn't have any pictures, but having been a fan of his ever since he starred in Woody Allen's "Match Point," I was highly curious. So I followed the link to Cunego's campaign, but all I could find was this:

Is this what Cunego has indelibly applied to himself? To me the winking coupled with the phrasing implies not that Cunego is a clean athlete, but rather that he's doping for free, as in Lampre or some third party is paying for his drugs. I wonder if the tattoo on his arm winks too, or if he has to flex or something to get it to do that.

Unsatisfied, I hoped that maybe Cunego's own site had a picture of the tattoo. Now, if you've ever visited an Italian website, you know it's a lot like walking into some awful nightclub--lots of flash and techno. So I clicked over, plugged my ears, and averted my eyes. There was no techno, but there was the requisite animation. To save you the trouble of visiting yourself, I present you with a still from the homepage:

The piercing eyes of Damiano Cunego have been known to make competitors wilt at a thousand paces. These eyes have flattened mountain passes, melted cheese onto little pieces of bruschetta, and frightened the Epstein-Barr virus he battled with in 2005 right out of his body. Even though the heading says, "Welcome to my official website" the greeting is so at odds with his forbidding visage that I was almost afraid to click further. However, I rummaged around in my suitcase of courage, took a slug from my bidon of fortitude, nibbled on some cheese, and somehow found the wherewithal to press on.


I was happy that I did, because while I didn't find the tattoo I did find a kinder, more welcoming Cunego. This picture says, "See? I'm not just a killing machine. I'm also just a regular guy who likes to put on a black suit, style my hair, and cruise around town on my Wilier hybrid which has reflectors--for safety!" One might be tempted to say Cunego's reflector use is at odds with his lack of a helmet, but actually Cunego is wearing a"Gelmet,"which is a hair gel made of 70% silicone. The Gelmet not only makes your coif wind- and waterproof but also provides head protection in the event of a fall. It's expected to be a huge seller in Europe, Astoria Queens, and south Florida.

Despite being won over by Cunego's endearing side I still found myself questioning the validity of his anti-doping stance. Notice his stat card boasts that he's married to Margherita. Hey, if he drinks that much chances are he's doing other things too. (I'm married to Vodka so I know what I'm talking about.) Note also that Cunego's distinguishing features are that he's "A Winner!!!" Yeah, that should be tremendous help in identifying him should he do something illegal. "Officer, some rubber-haired guy on a bike just ran over my dog!" "What did he look like, Ma'am?" "A Winner!!!" In the spirit of full disclosure Cunego should at least add to his list of distinguishing features that he also has a winking tattoo that says "I'm doping [for] free."

Of course, without seeing Cunego's ink I can't tell where it ranks among the world's cycling-related tattoos. My two all-time favorites, which I've mentioned in the past, are the "Hug Life" tattoo (the "Last Supper" of cycling tattoos):

and the "Ambiguous Lance" tattoo (the jersey and shorts of Lance Armstrong and the face of Robbie McEwen, riding a Colnago, all applied to a hairy leg).

Indeed, it is a bold rider who inks his or her love of cycling permanently on him- or herself. Even the most dedicated cyclist's tastes can be mercurial--eBay is littered with titanium frames which were purchased in the '90s as "the last bike I'll ever need." As such, getting a bike tattoo is nearly as risky as getting a tattoo of a partner's name or a favorite band. There's also a big gap between the two masterpieces above (which are totally regret-proof in their brilliance, of course) and all other cycling-related tattoos, some of which you can see here. I must say though that there are some stand-outs among all the chainrings, chain armbands and black-bicycle-silhouettes-on-the-ankle you see so often, including:

The left-hand drive road bike with what appears to be either a singleator or a bent spoon for a derailleur;




The woman on a left-hand drive bike (I'm smelling a motif here);

The Permanent Product Placement (corporate version);

The PPP (indie version);

The crossed pistons (which bicycles don't have, unless you consider your legs, in which case why not a pair of crossed legs?);

And of course municipal signage.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm a tremendous tattoo fan. Actually, I'm in the midst of getting a full sleeve consisting entirely of outdated bike parts. It's going to be all stuff like biopace chainrings, Mektronic shift levers, Girvin Flexstems, and Dura-Ace 8-speed derailleurs. I'm also getting a high-normal mountain bike derailleur on one ankle and a low-normal one on the other. I figure that should cover me either way.

These Just In: Of Bridgework and Birdcages

Once again, I have been proven wrong about dentists and their supposed love of Serottas. An attentive reader (who may or may not be looking for crown and bridge dentistry) has just forwarded me the following:

DENTAL CARE FOR SPECIALIZED ROAD BIKE (BERGEN COUNTY) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/jsy/bik/737223724.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-06-29, 7:52PM EDT

I am a general dentist who performs a great deal of crown and bridge dentistry in addition to the highest quality root-canal treatment, cosmetic care,dentures,etc. I am looking to barter my services for a specialized carbon frame road bike, 54cm with a compact crank and ultegra or dura-ace. If you are a specialized dealer in need of the finest in dental care, please contact me.

I applaud this dentist's populist choice in bicycles and I admire his courage in eschewing the boutique marques so coveted by his colleagues. However, I don't think he'll have much luck. All Specialized dealers worth their Tarmacs have long ago had Zertz inserts placed in all their teeth by Mike Sinyard's team of dental technicians, thus allowing them to eat unpopped popcorn kernels by the fistful without even the slightest discomfort. He might have better luck scoring a Jamis or something.

Moving on, alleycat organizers have long been plundering pop culture for alleycat flyers, but it would appear that pop culture may not be a renewable resource:

(art by Jimmy in Brooklyn)

Indeed, when even the 1978 Édouard Molinaro comedy of manners La Cage aux Folles has become grist for the alleycat flyer mill, it would appear that the bottom of the barrel may have been scraped and the trend may have reached its zenith. No mention of where this may be going down, but if you're interested in taking part you might try the French Riviera.

Now back to rabid antidentites.

One Bike Too Many: From Buddha to Burgess

On Monday, I put forth that it's important to limit the number of bicycles you own, and I stand by my assertion. You can't have a bike for every ride, just like you can't have a gear for every hill, and the rider with a bike for every eventuality is hardly different from the celebutard who must purchase another apartment to house her shoes. Then, on Wednesday, I went on to criticize "The Climb" author Robert Mackey (who cleaned his front tire recently) for going to Europe in order to prep for his trip to Europe, likening this to "the dentist who buys a Madone while he waits for his custom Serotta to come in." And here, according to at least one reader, I crossed a line.

That reader was Dr. John M. Gowey, DDS. Dentists everywhere owe Dr. Gowey a debt of gratitude, for it is he who emails me to from time to time to correct some of my misconceptions about dentists. Just some of the things I've learned from Dr. Gowey are: 1) not all dentists ride Serottas (at least he doesn't); 2) dentists care for their bikes as meticulously as they care for their teeth (at least Dr. Gowey does); and 3) dentists love "Seinfeld" because Dr. Tim Whatley is one of the few non-psychopathic dentists in mainstream entertainment. (In that regard it seems Dr. Whatley is to some degree their Paul Robeson, or at least their Sidney Poitier.)

And I just thought they were just a bunch of sadistic Serotta-straddling maniacs. Who knew!?!

Anyway, with regard to my comment about a dentist buying a Madone while waiting for his Serotta, the always insightful Dr. Gowey had this to say:

In today's post, you insinuated that there is something wrong if a dentist gets a Madone while having to wait for his Serotta. What you did not specify was the length of time the dentist was forced to wait before the arrival of the Serotta. Now if it were only a couple of weeks he had to do without the Serotta, I would certainly agree with you that although it is good for the current economy, the dentist was exhibiting signs of excessive consumerism. If the lag time for the new bike was projected at more than two weeks however, I think a dentist (or even a non-dentist) is perfectly justified in buying a "gap bike" to help him make it through the difficult waiting period. You should acknowledge that if an "Orange Julius bike" is a reasonable purchase, then a "bike purchased while waiting for a new bike" or "gap bike" should be justified as well.

I pondered Dr. Gowey's email for some seconds. At first I was tempted to dismiss the very notion of a "gap bike" as excessive, but then I decided to appease Dr. Gowey, mostly because despite Gowey's assertions to the contrary and his fondness for Tim Whatley I still think dentists actually are sadistic psychopaths and I was afraid he might come after me. So I decided to allow Gowey and his dental ilk their "gap bikes," provided they adhere to a formula. I replied to him thusly:

I'm prepared to give an allowance of $150 a month. That means if you've got to wait three months for a Serotta or similar you can spend $450 on an old aluminum bike with 8 speed or something. I think that's more than fair. Given that, if the gap bike were a Madone 5.1 retailing at $3,019.99 (the Ultegra bike, slumming it I know but still a decent gap bike) the gap would need to be 20.13 months.

You may exceed that if you can recoup the excess by selling it (on the Serotta forums, where else?) but if you can't you're personally liable for the balance.

This I hope will appease dentists everywhere and thus spare me an untimely demise at the wrong end of some hideous dental implement.

Gap bikes aside, however, I maintain there are circumstances under which even one bicycle is one too many. Here is just one such circumstance:

This De Rosa was repainted by De Rosa in Italy. Previous owner had moola and up close the paint is stunning. To do the paint job justice, I built it up with some nice components, Phil woods, Campy Cranks, Campy brakes, Pearl this, Nitto that. I don't really ride it as I enjoyed putting the bike together more. That's why I am selling this one and starting another one. So I decided to post some pics before selling.

I think an actual geared drivetrain might have done this frame more justice, and that a frame should at least reach a certain level of deterioration before it's given the fixed-gear treatment. But hey, if your idea of fun is bolting track components to road frames I'm the last person who's going to stop you. And yes, building bicycles, however incongruous they may be, can be both enjoyable and rewarding. But it is also fun to ride bicycles, and if riding a bicycle you built isn't as enjoyable as building it, then that doesn't reflect so well on the build. Most dangerous though is flirting with addiction by endlessly purchasing and assembling components. This is something we all flirt with as cyclists. Building a bicycle can bring you joy or it can lead you to ruin, and if you're not riding the bikes you're building at least long enough to wear out a set of tires, you may be on a ruinous road. I would advise him to satisfy his need to build anew by rebuilding his current bike as a geared road bike. If the compulsion to sell and replace is still present, seek help.

Then there's this.



Yes, it should come as no surprise to anybody at this point that bars are getting shorter. It's almost as though stems are electric sharpeners and the bars are pencils being fed into them from either end. At this point I think the only thing keeping straight bars long enough to actually protrude beyond the stem clamp is the size of the grips out there on the market. This at least is ensuring that riders maintain a fistful of bar on either end of the stem. But once some fixed-gear rider has that "2001" bone-in-the-air moment of revelation and takes a scissor to his Ourys, watch out--that's when you're going to see some serious index-finger-and-thumb steering. Just imagine someone eating a piece of baby corn like it's regular corn--that's how people are going to be holding their handlebars.

This bicycle may also be one too many:

I'm not sure if "pengy" is a diminutive form of "penguin," or of "penga." If the former, it may refer to the animal this bicycle represents. If the latter, it refers to the organ which the top-tube pad protects. In either case, it wouldn't be terribly difficult to imagine Burgess Meredith straddling this bike and softly quacking to himself as he pedaled bow-leggedly away.