Monday, June 30, 2008

One Bike Too Many: From Buddha to Burgess


On Monday, I put forth that it's important to limit the number of bicycles you own, and I stand by my assertion. You can't have a bike for every ride, just like you can't have a gear for every hill, and the rider with a bike for every eventuality is hardly different from the celebutard who must purchase another apartment to house her shoes. Then, on Wednesday, I went on to criticize "The Climb" author Robert Mackey (who cleaned his front tire recently) for going to Europe in order to prep for his trip to Europe, likening this to "the dentist who buys a Madone while he waits for his custom Serotta to come in." And here, according to at least one reader, I crossed a line.

That reader was Dr. John M. Gowey, DDS. Dentists everywhere owe Dr. Gowey a debt of gratitude, for it is he who emails me to from time to time to correct some of my misconceptions about dentists. Just some of the things I've learned from Dr. Gowey are: 1) not all dentists ride Serottas (at least he doesn't); 2) dentists care for their bikes as meticulously as they care for their teeth (at least Dr. Gowey does); and 3) dentists love "Seinfeld" because Dr. Tim Whatley is one of the few non-psychopathic dentists in mainstream entertainment. (In that regard it seems Dr. Whatley is to some degree their Paul Robeson, or at least their Sidney Poitier.)

And I just thought they were just a bunch of sadistic Serotta-straddling maniacs. Who knew!?!

Anyway, with regard to my comment about a dentist buying a Madone while waiting for his Serotta, the always insightful Dr. Gowey had this to say:

In today's post, you insinuated that there is something wrong if a dentist gets a Madone while having to wait for his Serotta. What you did not specify was the length of time the dentist was forced to wait before the arrival of the Serotta. Now if it were only a couple of weeks he had to do without the Serotta, I would certainly agree with you that although it is good for the current economy, the dentist was exhibiting signs of excessive consumerism. If the lag time for the new bike was projected at more than two weeks however, I think a dentist (or even a non-dentist) is perfectly justified in buying a "gap bike" to help him make it through the difficult waiting period. You should acknowledge that if an "Orange Julius bike" is a reasonable purchase, then a "bike purchased while waiting for a new bike" or "gap bike" should be justified as well.

I pondered Dr. Gowey's email for some seconds. At first I was tempted to dismiss the very notion of a "gap bike" as excessive, but then I decided to appease Dr. Gowey, mostly because despite Gowey's assertions to the contrary and his fondness for Tim Whatley I still think dentists actually are sadistic psychopaths and I was afraid he might come after me. So I decided to allow Gowey and his dental ilk their "gap bikes," provided they adhere to a formula. I replied to him thusly:

I'm prepared to give an allowance of $150 a month. That means if you've got to wait three months for a Serotta or similar you can spend $450 on an old aluminum bike with 8 speed or something. I think that's more than fair. Given that, if the gap bike were a Madone 5.1 retailing at $3,019.99 (the Ultegra bike, slumming it I know but still a decent gap bike) the gap would need to be 20.13 months.

You may exceed that if you can recoup the excess by selling it (on the Serotta forums, where else?) but if you can't you're personally liable for the balance.

This I hope will appease dentists everywhere and thus spare me an untimely demise at the wrong end of some hideous dental implement.

Gap bikes aside, however, I maintain there are circumstances under which even one bicycle is one too many. Here is just one such circumstance:




This De Rosa was repainted by De Rosa in Italy. Previous owner had moola and up close the paint is stunning. To do the paint job justice, I built it up with some nice components, Phil woods, Campy Cranks, Campy brakes, Pearl this, Nitto that. I don't really ride it as I enjoyed putting the bike together more. That's why I am selling this one and starting another one. So I decided to post some pics before selling.

I think an actual geared drivetrain might have done this frame more justice, and that a frame should at least reach a certain level of deterioration before it's given the fixed-gear treatment. But hey, if your idea of fun is bolting track components to road frames I'm the last person who's going to stop you. And yes, building bicycles, however incongruous they may be, can be both enjoyable and rewarding. But it is also fun to ride bicycles, and if riding a bicycle you built isn't as enjoyable as building it, then that doesn't reflect so well on the build. Most dangerous though is flirting with addiction by endlessly purchasing and assembling components. This is something we all flirt with as cyclists. Building a bicycle can bring you joy or it can lead you to ruin, and if you're not riding the bikes you're building at least long enough to wear out a set of tires, you may be on a ruinous road. I would advise him to satisfy his need to build anew by rebuilding his current bike as a geared road bike. If the compulsion to sell and replace is still present, seek help.

Then there's this.



Yes, it should come as no surprise to anybody at this point that bars are getting shorter. It's almost as though stems are electric sharpeners and the bars are pencils being fed into them from either end. At this point I think the only thing keeping straight bars long enough to actually protrude beyond the stem clamp is the size of the grips out there on the market. This at least is ensuring that riders maintain a fistful of bar on either end of the stem. But once some fixed-gear rider has that "2001" bone-in-the-air moment of revelation and takes a scissor to his Ourys, watch out--that's when you're going to see some serious index-finger-and-thumb steering. Just imagine someone eating a piece of baby corn like it's regular corn--that's how people are going to be holding their handlebars.


This bicycle may also be one too many:



I'm not sure if "pengy" is a diminutive form of "penguin," or of "penga." If the former, it may refer to the animal this bicycle represents. If the latter, it refers to the organ which the top-tube pad protects. In either case, it wouldn't be terribly difficult to imagine Burgess Meredith straddling this bike and softly quacking to himself as he pedaled bow-leggedly away.

98 comments:

erick said...

Podium...

ice cube said...

podium

Anonymous said...

podium!!

Anonymous said...

right on!!!

Anonymous said...

dropped

g said...

thought we would have a landis-esque post today, but then i realized that was just too easy.

Dr. Christian Szell said...

Top Ten!

quaffimodo said...

the burgess meredith bike is easily the most hideous two-wheeled abomination spawned to date. H.P. Lovecraft on an opium bender couldn't have imagined that one.

Jim said...

Wow. That dentist suffers from Humor Deficit Disorder, doesn't he? I've heard of having no sense of humor at all, but that dentist's humor factor is in the negative numbers, to the extent it sucks the funny out of neighboring web sites. There are buzzkills, and then there are buzz mass murderers. If that guy was my dentist I'd need nitrus just to make an appointment.

Well, unless he's trying to be a straight man and make himself the butt of jokes in which case it's sheer brilliance and I'm just not smart enough to get it.

Anonymous said...

that dentist needs to get over himself. i just imagine the excuses he gives on group rides about his gap bike. good thing he didn't order a vanilla.

Anonymous said...

Oh my Gad.

Anonymous said...

You've inspired me to build up a Marzocchi Bomber Unipogocycle.

Anonymous said...

Even short handlebars are excessive. I propose having half a handlebar. Just ride one handed.

ice cube said...

AEROSPOKES, YES!!! BIKE I BUILT NOT TO RIDE, DOUBLE YES!!! GAP BIKE? What happened to the bike he had before the serotta? I don't understand...wouldn't you order your new bike while you still have your old bike? I just don't know about these dentists.

joe said...

perhaps i have a optimistic funny detector but i took the good Dr's reply in jest and found it humorous in it's vulcan-like logic.

jesusjones said...

yunno, i think tim whatley was suspected of sexually assaulting his patients while they were sedated, yeah?

ice cube said...

But thats not psychotic like the movie The Dentist. But he assaulted a girl too? hmmm?

mr.complaint said...

Let's say a dentist is waiting for his custom Richard Sachs, is he then entitled to a custom Serotta as a "gap" bike? Or should he continue with his Trek Madone?

Is a colorectal surgeon entitled to a stock IF ti crown jewel as a gap bike while he's waiting for his custom Parlee?

Or should he/she just stick with the previous bicycle?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Jim, Anon. 12:41pm, and Joe,

The doctor has an excellent sense of humor and was definitely joking. If it didn't come off that way I take full responsibility for not framing his email properly.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

And Whatley converted just for the jokes.

ant1st said...

first!

Ka_Jun said...

Tour of PA concluded yesterday, anyone watch?

Andrew said...

where is the buddha in this post?

leroy said...

Marathon Man: "Is it safe?"

There. We've identified the source of your fear.

Let the DDS's on Serottas ride free.

(Wasn't The Knack's break out "My Serotta"? Or am I mis-remembering?)

Polygraf said...

When i was single I had one bike, an xc hardtail that did everything, commute, race, technical trails whatever I threw at it.

Many years and ladies later- conservatively speaking-word, I'm married and have four bikes, hmm.

I have a few days off, this morning I rode around with my fix, later I'll go for a ride on my recently built rigid single speed(not a 29er) and tommorow morning I'm riding @ chimney rock on my xc hardtail. Yes I'm slightly indulgent but it keeps me faithful.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to mount my saddle bag to my seatstays and get a dorky pump, too. Sweet.

leroy said...

Jim --

Don't feel bad.

There is a common misconception about dentists being dour simply because they are always looking down in the mouth.

(Thank you. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.)

ant1st said...

Wouldn't a bike owned by someone without legs also be considered one too many?

Anonymous said...

Ooh my little pretty one, pretty one.
When you gonna give me some time, Serotta?
Ooh you make my motor run, my motor run.
Gun it comin' off the line Serotta
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Serotta...

Come a little closer huh, ah will ya huh.
Close enough to look in my eyes, Serotta.
Keeping it a mystery gets to me
Running down the length of my thighs, Serotta
Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind.
Always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Serotta...

When you gonna give it to me, give it to me.
It is just a matter of time Serotta
Is it just destiny, destiny?
Or is it just a game in my mind, Serotta?
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Serotta...

ant1st said...

A gap bike = lack of planning
Then again, maybe that's why you always have to wait for hours at the dentist's office, even with an appointement.
Dentists = poor planners

LP said...

The Tour of PA took a big step towards curing excessive bike syndrome in the roadie crowd by having their TT on standard road setups only.

veloben said...

I am constantly amazed at the ability of people to create ugly bikes.

Thank you BSNYC/RTMS for keeping the world fresh, if hideous.

leroy said...

Anon 1:03 PM --

Thank you for confirming that my memory is as good as it ever was.

Bikeslob 80220 said...

Bars are getting shorter just like skirts got shorter in the '60's. Right now they seem to be at...

http://cover6.cduniverse.com/MuzeAudioArt/150/154060.jpg
This stage

WSL said...

"Pengy" is the second best bike I've seen on this blog after the "Fabulous" bike.

ant1st said...

lp, agreed. I also liked how the tour de georgia banned TT bikes for their TTT. Leave the TT bikes to the tri dorks that love them so much. I'm not a big fan of a bike being able to shave seconds or minutes off a rider's time. If the technology can create such noticeable differences, can you really say Levi, for example, won a time trial, or should you say that Trek's Equinox (if that's what they call that ugly ass ride) won the race, and that the bike was jockey-ed by a midget named Levi?

ice cube said...

Veloben,

I caught that reference! HAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

short bars are stupid. not a single performance benefit whatsoever.

ChrisB. said...

I'm hoping the next trend will be to ditch the handlebars altogether; instead using the stem like rudder control handle. This method also provides the additional benefit of freeing up one arm to use the brake handle that's conveniently mounted to the the seat or top tube.

FIDO said...

hmmm, I recently converted my eight year old roadie into a fixie (Whiteindustries ENO), I have the new roadie, and a MTB. This seems excessive to friends and family, but I felt I needed to help the economy somehow.

Anonymous said...

Lose the bars completely, ride one handed with the stem. Much like the freewheel/brake caliper/lever/bartape the handle bar is preventing us from experiencing the the true freedom and simplicity our bikes have to offer. Whats next? Keep the saddle, lose the seatpost!

Anonymous said...

Andrew @ 12:58

I think Buddha was to represent non-materialism... the antithesis of buying bikes

a. julie said...

I think (or at least hope) that the dentist wrote facetiously. In any event, it makes for a good post, so more power to ya.

Strayhorn said...

I watched the Tour of PA recaps yesterday and was amazed to see the stages that ran through various crack towns. The boarded-up storefronts, the fire-gutted houses, the drunks leaning up against the door posts.

What does the French countryside have to compete with that!

Anonymous said...

of course you realize people are building these fuggly useless bikes for only one reason..... to get them pictured on this blog

Andrew said...

Buddha is/was/will be anti-bike??!!!
F-Buddha!

Yeah TT/aero bars and the idiots that ride them in groups...

last week my girlfriend and I got brought down by just such a douche. He was riding second in paceline and yep!, touched wheels with the lead rider. He went down, took my woman with him and left me to ride (both wheels) over her. She lost consciousness for two mins and has a dislocated shoulder and she and four other guys including me have the usual road rash as well. Friggin' Tri guys!

Mawell said...

"Just imagine someone eating a piece of baby corn like it's regular corn--that's how people are going to be holding their handlebars."

Hilarious!

There's some eccentric character in LA who rides a coaster brake bike with a baseball in place of stem and bars.

Anonymous said...

White-belted kids should lose their stems too and just ride with a fist around the headset.

John Mark said...

Here's a GAP bike for you:
http://www.wooljersey.com/gallery/v/vintagespoke/Mid+80s+Basso+Gap/rightside.JPG.html

Anonymous said...

My Gap bike is a white beach cruiser that sports a hand-made Amish basket. I use it to shop for overpriced Khakis and corduroy blazers. I look so stylish pedaling that half a block with my rolled up linen pants, Sperry top-siders w/o socks, and perfectly tilted Fedora hat that, incidentally, matches the bike's basket.

Anonymous said...

Soon they will be riding with their hands crossed...that's what I'm waiting for.

Anonymous said...

You have a handmade Amish basket fedora? Cool!

Grump said...

Gap Bike?

Don't be so stingy. Dentists make gobs of money. At least allow them $300 per month to purchase a "learner bike". By the time they get their "real bike", they'll know how to clip in, and how to look less of a nerd.

AngryVeg said...

yes, dentists are easy targets. everyone hates a dentist. i mean one specific dentist, and i'm not going to name him here. but a dentist once said to me: "eat your vegetables." and he wasn't even MY DENTIST. he was also fond of the phrase "stepping on your own crank," but not in the good road cyclist way. or even in that gonzo downhill-bombing mountain biking kind of way. i think it was a naughty way he was thinking about.

Chimeric Coils said...

Last, as usual.

Anonymous said...

Whoa, baseball bike guy reference..

Boston's own Louis the tricycle man is pretty rad too. glad he got new a new ride.

Andrew said...

louis the tricycle man?

the guy who says "ooooooooohhhoooo!! as he rides like the madman he is onthe side walk?

Anonymous said...

Two comments about ditching the bars.....come on someone has to post a picture or try it, I would but I have inner ear problems.

anonamoose said...

All of my bikes are gap bikes.

Jim said...

What? The dentist is funny? My bad then. I guess after "The Riddle" it's hard to tell when somebody is joking, being insane, taking too many hits of nitrous, or having an utter lack of humor.

Anon 1:03 - good one. Good to see you got the knack.

anusyer majesty said...

recycled tirade useless get over it who cares tired boring stupid waste of time bitch complain no point not funny he was loved among his peers blah blah blah

The Comentist said...

I have three bici's but NO Dentists!

A Mtb
A roadie
And one bike to do the following:
-Cross
-Commute
-SS
-Fixocalypse
-Tour
-SS 29'r
-SS Mtb

But mostly Cross n commute have yet to do any of the rest but must confess that I did once bolt a FG wheelset to it.

I've found I like getting beverages most while on the road bike...since I ride it longer and harder....

The mtb is the most specific bike...trails only except for that one weird day I rode 3 plush hours to the trailhead.

Now as for my teeth...they don't give a shit about any of that....as long as they get to see a Dentist Psychopath every once in a long while.

Anonymous said...

Yup, that Louis. He's a sweet fellah, someone stole his original tricycle. Imagine stealing a tricycle from a guy like that? Local shop took donations and built him a new one.

Enhancement Smoker said...

On that last bike, the thingy behind the seat tube is a Down Low Glow neon kit, not a frame pump.

So, this bike is hideous day or night!

Anonymous said...

Yeah TT/aero bars and the idiots that ride them in groups...

last week my girlfriend and I got brought down by just such a douche. He was riding second in paceline and yep!, touched wheels with the lead rider. He went down, took my woman with him and left me to ride (both wheels) over her. She lost consciousness for two mins and has a dislocated shoulder and she and four other guys including me have the usual road rash as well. Friggin' Tri guys!


I would LOVE to watch you argue your point -- that tri guys can't ride paceline -- with the meatheads who hang out at slowtwitch.com. Those boys think they do anything given the right wetsuit, dildo helmet, and pair of $300 Newton running shoes.

Anonymous said...

Dear Rip Torn's mug shot:

I am confused. Just last June you stated that it was impossible to own too many bikes (see the next to last sentence in this post: http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2007/06/worst-of-nyc-craigslist-bike-ads-2.html
). Since then, my stable has ballooned from 3 bikes to more than 50. This includes 3 ironic coffee bikes (situational, verbal, and dramatic), a fixed gear Pinarello Prince, and four Trek Madones that I bought as "gap" bikes (you can't use the same gap bike twice!). Yet now you state that it is possible to have too many bikes.

What should I do?!!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:49pm,

You caught me being inconsistent! How embarrassing. In your case though it really doesn't matter either way, since it sounds like you've got only the bare essentials as far as bikes go.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

"a frame should at least reach a certain level of deterioration before it's given the fixed-gear treatment."
Fixed gear bikes have to be junky? Why is that?

veloben said...

Dear anon 4:49,

How do you make irony work with a situationally specific bike?

Do you only ride a bike intended for a given ironic situation to just a specific place? What if the place or setting is not correctly ironic upon arrival? Do you throw the bike away or try to ride off unseen?

What if you have several venues to visit or visit one setting with a shifting ironic context? Do you travel with a van and keep several ironic bikes on hand for different venues or changing ironic situations?

Are your verbal irony bikes actually able to speak or do you throw your voice instead of the bike?

I assume dramatic irony responses are just a matter of having the right rattle can to hand.

Literal minds seek to understand.

commutant said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

has anyone else noticed Robert Mackeys seat angle?

jessica said...

"Just imagine someone eating a piece of baby corn like it's regular corn--that's how people are going to be holding their handlebars."

omg lol!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 6:22pm,

I didn't mean all fixed-gears should be junky, I just meant that if you're going to convert a road frame you might as well use one that's seen better days. I don't see the sense in spending a lot of money on a pristine road frame only to convert it. Kind of like buying expensive pants and cutting them into shorts. If you want a nice shiny fixed-gear, why not buy a nice shiny fixed-gear frame?

--BSNYC

Jonathan said...

i was getting all excited for a post about anthony burgess, then get hit with a burgess meredith...

was all hoping for a "whats it goin to be then, my little droogies", but instead got "quack quack quack".

colour me disappointed.

Andy Pandy said...

Mr Mackey has had a couple of tough days at the "office". Endurance ride of an hour , mmmm sweat drenched. Recovery ride of an hour the next day , rest my tired legs of steel. I want videos of the pain that Mr Mackey is going to experience as motivational material on why you train. He is putting the name Cervelo into disrepute

Anonymous said...

BSNYC 7:22,

I had first dibs on a nice Geos once. I passed it up and let it go to a guy who has since built it up with high end vintage parts. I thought it would be fitting that the bike be used as originally intended instead of as a conversion.

I regret my decision to this day.

veloben said...

OK I followed the link to the Climb and struggled through Mr. Mackey's writing.

I will admit I've been following his quest and have given him the benefit of the doubt. Doing an Etap and seeing the Tour first hand has long been a goal - since I got my first 10 spd in '70, took cycling as my HS 'sport' in '71-'72 climbing the Green Mnts. in cut-off fatigues and sneakers.

But really the June 26 post on cleaning the tire of road tar with a tooth brush was just too much.

I've made a living (very sort of) as a wrench and in other dirty occupations, but lord what a way to dance around both the point of working on your bike and the solution to the 'tar' problem.

Really- dishwashing detergent for tar? Did his teachers just not cover solvents in high school chemistry? Is the idea of using a scrapper or knife so close to real physical old fashioned labor as to be beyond comprehension?

Really if you're going to be in the lowest gear just to get across the parking lot to lean the bike against a low sharp edged stone wall as a work stand you're in no shape to ride and have no respect for the machine.

How utterly frustrating and depressing.

Anonymous said...

Re: Mackey Seat Angle

Perhaps this is Mackeys "Ascending" seat angle (the Fizik being horizontal on 12% climbs)??? Which begs the question does he adjust the angle when he descends?


My dentist has multiple Colnagos

Mike said...

Regarding comically narrow handlebars, check out what Brooklyn Machine Works came up with earlier on this year: http://www.bikeforums.net/showthread.php?t=403219

The Great White Hype said...

Holy crud! I normally leave bikes alone, even if they're sorta odd looking. Comments kept to myself cause someone must like it. But that Ross fixed gear is the ugliest bike I've ever seen.

There, I said it for once.

GWH

ani said...

Sometimes I think people make these bikes just so they can be mocked on Bike Snob.

James said...

I have to agree with anon 6/30 1:40 and ani; something like the Penga had to have been built up for the sole purpose of being featured on this blog. At least that is what I want to choose to believe to make myself feel better.

kurtz said...

Tiny Handlebars:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3034/2575755502_d8ffe1362c.jpg

Anonymous said...

http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2008/july/1/Vi.htm

I hope you saw these seriously short bars, aero bars only. This is ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

lanterne rouge!

buddha pendant said...

So good bikes

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Lawrenceville dentist said...

hi,
i just wanted to say how much i enjoy reading your blog. in a world full of spin, it's nice to get some fact-based analysis. keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

mnbfgtrv8, ripe vimax

Tony Destroni said...

this dentistas are great . nice blog too. well keep it up !

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